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Author's Chapter Notes:

Just my two cents on what needs to be done to make our lives happier (oh, as well as Jim and Pam's!) - Post Merger channelling, for what it's worth.

Remember: much as I'd like to, I don't own these characters. No Copywrite infringement intended!

And thanks to Par5, Queen of the Betas!

Another alarm, another day. At least today was Friday. Pam groaned and forced herself to get up. She brushed her hair back from her eyes, along with the remnants of a dream that still lingered in her mind. It was the same dream she'd had for several weeks now. It was the first day the Stamford people had arrived; the first day Jim had come back. But unlike reality, in Pam's dream Jim was happy to see her. Happy to be with her. And he never uttered the words he had really said that first night, outside in the cold parking lot: "...I'm kinda seeing someone."

Even now, five weeks after the nightmare started, she still felt like crying every time she thought about it. For the first couple of weeks she did cry. A lot. The morning after it happened it took everything she had to walk back into that office. Twice that first morning she had picked up the phone to call off sick. It wouldn't have been a lie, she rationalized. Her heart was completely broken. But she decided that not coming in would be the coward's way, and to be honest, there was a part of her that
couldn't bear NOT to be in the office. She had spent so many days in that office without being able to look at him, not being able to hear his voice, that in the end she had to go to see him. Even if that meant looking at someone who wasn't going to be hers.

That first morning he barely looked at her all day. She was relieved that Ryan hadn't given up his desk because it would have been her undoing had she looked up and found him looking at her. At least this way she could watch him without been seen. She could find a little bit of comfort in knowing that he was there, he was the person seated the closest to her, actually. Mid-morning she watched as he got up and went into the kitchen. Almost immediately afterwards she saw Karen stand up and follow him.

That was the first time she felt a constricting in her heart, and she felt the tears pricking her eyes. She reached for the first of many tissues to follow, dabbing her eyes and trying to distract herself from the urge to sob and run from the room. That first day there was only one moment she needed to excuse herself and go to the bathroom. She had kept her head down and walked quickly enough that she didn't think anyone noticed.

She didn't feel quite so pathetic these days, but that didn't mean the pain had decreased. On the contrary she felt more in love with Jim every day. Even the ways he had tried to change himself - the more expensive clothes, the shorter haircut, the change from soda to water - she found endearing. Was there nothing he couldn't do that she wouldn't learn to accept and love about him?

It was now the week before Christmas, and what was usually her favorite time of year was decided less festive. The Christmas party was just days away, and that was a whole other situation that filled her with dread. She had pulled Jim's name in the gift exchange (of course!) and still had not decided on what to get him.

The snooze alarm went off again, bringing Pam back into the present. She turned it off, and started to get dressed. Despite her sadness, she still took the effort to curl her usually frizzy hair, and applied a little make up. If nothing else, she felt it hid dark circles that seemed to appear when Jim returned. She reached into her closet for her usual striped oxford, and accidentally pulled out the raspberry blouse she had bought months ago on an urging by Kelly. She'd worn it for a few hours the day it arrived, but put it into the back of her closet when she got home that night. It had just attracted too much attention, and all of it from the wrong people. She was about to put it back when she had an idea. Maybe it was time to start drawing more attention to herself. Maybe the attention would finally start coming from the right people. Or person.

She updated her eye shadow and lipstick to better complement the striking raspberry color and made it out the door in time to get to work at her usual time. When she walked in, only Kevin was at his desk, and the look he gave her as she walked into the kitchen told her he remembered the last time she wore that shirt. Still, she was determined to wear it the whole day.

She was already back at her desk when Jim walked in. She saw that he came in alone, so when he stopped to put his coat on the coat stand she stood up, pretending to sort out the papers on her desk. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him looking at her, and she smiled to herself. At least she still had the ability to catch his attention.

He walked over to his desk and dropped his bag, and took off his suit jacket. He flicked his computer on without sitting down, and then slowly made his way over to her desk. "Hey Pam," he said, leaning on the counter.

She knew she was being terribly brazen, but when she noticed him lean on the counter, she leaned over her desk just a little more, making sure her shirt gaped away as she reached for more papers to sort. She had put on her very best bra when she decided to wear this shirt, a black satin and lace push up number, and she felt a little thrill knowing he was getting a good view of it. It's about time too, she thought to herself.

She looked up and the look on his face made her draw her breath in. The last time he had looked at her like that, he was about to kiss her. "Can I help you with anything, Jim?" she said, her voice huskier than she had intended.

His eyes met hers briefly, and he quickly looked away. She watched as his cheeks flushed with the knowledge he had been caught.

"Um, no. I was, uh, just saying good morning."

"Good morning," she smiled.

He glanced back to her. "You, uh, you look really nice today," he said. "Is that new?"

Her hand went up to touch the edge of her neckline. "This? No, not really."

"Oh," he nodded. Then he turned away and sat down at his computer. Pam sat down as well, her legs feeling more than a little jellyish. Jim saying good morning to her wasn't that big a deal. As the weeks had gone by his icy reserve began to melt. But her making such a bold move certainly was. And his reaction gave her a rush of confidence. Even she wasn't so blind that she couldn't see from the look on his face that for at least a moment, he had found her attractive. He had wanted her. She had to find a way to make the most of that power.

She knew she should be able to make something of their time together. Things weren't nearly as stilted between them as it was when he first came back. It started by him asking for some simple help in order to prank Dwight. Then he started to share new ideas with her, and seemed happy to follow through on some of her original ideas. If she was sitting in the break room, he occasionally would sit at the same table and make small talk. She remembered the afternoon they wasted an hour sitting in there because she had told him of some of the tricks she'd played on Dwight while he was gone. It was a golden moment to her, because for nearly 60 minutes he was her old Jim, relaxed and laughing and looking at her with his special smile and a look of pride in his eyes.

The magic was broken when Karen came into the break room, asking Jim if he'd been 'wasting time' in there all afternoon. Still, the look of crossness he gave Karen when he stood up to leave wasn't lost on Pam. He had been enjoying the moment as much as she had. Remembering that reaction was another hope in her arsenal that things could perhaps still end well between them.

She looked up and saw Jim put on his headphones. This reminded her to put her earbud in as well. Early last week she had passed his desk and asked him what he had been listening to. "WBHT streams over their website," he said. "It's better than listening to Dwight and Andy bickering."

She just nodded, but as soon as she sat back down at her desk, she immediately bought up the station's website and started listening, too. She put only one earbud in so she could still hear the phones, but it made her happy to know that she and Jim were listening to the same music all day. It was a small way she could feel connected to him.

She didn'tell him she had tuned in as well, but a few days ago when he brought over some reports he had noticed. "Copycat," he teased as he pointed to her monitor.

"What can I say?" she replied, her awkward smile trying to hide the fact that she felt like she'd been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. "It's a good station."

He looked at her, his eyes unreadable. "Yes, it is," he said, a half-smile appearing before he turned and went back to his desk. To her relief she noticed he was still listening to the station later in the day. Clearly she hadn't chased him away.

She went back to her paperwork as her head nodded along to the music. It was one of those 'one-size-fits-all' types of stations, where you were as likely to hear The Partridge Family's "I Think I Love You" as you are to hear the latest by Nickelback or Snow Patrol. Such is the unsophisticated beauty of Scranton, she thought to herself. How to Save a Life by The Fray had just ended, when a promo for the lunch hour dedication show came on. Pam wondered what Jim would do if she ever dedicated a song to him. He'd probably freak, she smiled, and let the thought go as quickly as it came.

By mid-morning she was ready for a break. She walked into the kitchen to make some tea, and took it into the break room with her latest copy of Entertainment Weekly. Nearly as soon as she sat down Karen came in, looking for the perfect snack from the vending machine. She wasn't in the mood for salt and vinegar chips, though they stared at her from position D5.

Karen was still standing in front of the vending machine when Jim walked in a few minutes later. He was still drinking mostly water these days, but Pam noticed he did slip back into grape soda from time to time. This pleased her more than it probably should have, but she needed so much to believe he was still 'her Jim' that she read clues into everything. As luck would have it, he put his money in and bought a grape soda. Pam put her head back down into her magazine, but couldn't resist smiling.

"Hey," Karen said to Jim. "I forgot to bring lunch today. You want to go get something with me later?"

Jim opened his can of grape soda.

Please say no, please say no, please say no
, Pam silently prayed.

"Um, actually I think I'll just work at my desk for lunch," Pam heard her say. "I've got stuff to get done."

Oh My God, Yay! Pam silently cheered.

"Oh, okay," Karen replied, sounding deflated. "Whatever."

Jim turned and walked out, brushing past Pam slightly as he left. Pam quickly stood up, her tea finished, and walked into the kitchen. Her hands were trembling, she was so happy he turned Karen down. Rinsing out her teapot she told herself to calm down. It's not that big of a deal, she told herself. It doesn't mean anything.

But it does, she countered herself. It does. And you need to do something.

Those words repeated in her head as she went back to her desk. They got stronger when Jim looked up as she walked by, giving her a smile. She smiled back, and words got even louder. She sat down and put her head in her hands. What is wrong with me today? she wondered. Why this sudden sense of urgency?

And suddenly it became clear. She had no idea how Jim had managed to stay silent so long. He had loved her for years, and kept it to himself. Her engagement to Roy was that powerful a deterrent. But here she was, now in his position. But what was her excuse? What was preventing her from telling him how she felt now? He wasn't engaged to Karen, and after the scene she witnessed minutes ago, she couldn't even be sure that they were dating. And why should she stay silent out of respect for a relationship that new when she and Jim had years and years between them?

Maybe it was time for Pam to be selfish. Time for her to do something completely out of need for what she wanted. And she knew that above everything else, she wanted Jim. She needed him. She looked over at the Christmas tree that once again Dwight had managed the decoration of. And damn it, it's Christmas, she thought. She didn't want to feel this lost and alone at Christmas.

She put her earbud back in and tried to think of what to do. Then she heard the promo for the lunchtime dedication hour and knew exactly what to do.

She clinked on the radio station's link "Make a Lunchtime Dedication." She paused wondering what song she should request. She thought about all the music she'd been listening to lately. All songs that reminded her of Jim, certainly. Mostly angsty love songs. She needed a song that told him how she felt, what she'd been thinking. What she wanted. She grabbed her ipod from her purse and scrolled
through each song title. If life were a musical, what would I sing to him?

She narrowed it down to two. Which one was less cheesy? Maybe both of them were. She started to wonder if it was really such a good idea at all. She went to the computer and opened another browser window. She pulled up the lyrics for both songs, and read each carefully. The phone rang and she frowned. She answered the phone; another message for Michael. He was out of the office today, but she couldn't remember for what. After the call she put the system into auto-answer. She knew she could get in trouble but she had more important things to do right now.

She went back to her computer, and made a decision. If she was going to do this, do it big, she thought. She began to type in her request:

I know you get many dedications each day, but I can't stress how important it is to me if you could play my request this lunch hour. To make a long story short, I have really screwed things up with the one person who means the world to me. There is so much I need to tell him and I don't know where to even start. I know it's one of her older hits, but if you could play Melissa Etheridge's "Like The Way I Do" it would be the break I need to try to set things right. Please make the request to "Jim from Pam, that girl sitting behind him."

Thanks so much for your help.

She added her name and email address, and cell phone number and hit send. She looked up at the clock. It was 11:30 and so she had at least a half hour before finding out if it was going to played. Shelooked over at Jim, still working and listening to the station, oblivious to what she'd just done.

Then the fear hit her: what had she just done? She put her head in her hands again. She wasn't sure if she wanted to run out of here while she still had the chance, or just hide under the desk. Maybe she should do both. Instead she got up and went into the woman's room to splash some water on her face. No turning back now, she thought. She looked at her reflection in the mirror. But do I really want to? She asked herself. Is there anything that could come of this that would be worse to what she was already living with each day? She already knew the answer to that. She was already dying a little each day sitting in silence. Nothing today could really be worse than that, even if he rejected her completely. At least then she'd know for sure where she stood. And if he turned away, well, she'd deal with that then.

She walked back out to her desk, and noticed that Jim smiled again at her. She smiled back again, and felt the presence of butterflies in her stomach. God help me get through this, she thought.

She kept the phones on auto-answer, and tried to keep herself busy. At a few minutes to noon she saw Jim get up, and she practically fell out of her chair. He walked toward the kitchen, and Pam wanted to scream. Please do not tell me he's going to eat lunch NOW, she thought crossly. Freaking hell. Now what? She sat anxious and stressed at her desk until she saw him come back about five minutes later,
his brown bagged lunch and grape soda in hand. She was sure he must have heard her sigh of relief as he sat back down at his desk, put his headphones back on, and opened up his lunch.

The lunch show had started and Pam felt a bit lightheaded as she listened. The DJ was a woman named Sasha, and Pam just hoped she had a big enough heart to pick her dedication. The first fifteen minutes ticked by, and no luck. Pam had long stopped pretending to work. She was doodling on her desk calendar, and already most of December was unreadable over her scribblings. But there was nothing she could do but wait. She was, most literally, on edge the edge of her seat. The next two songs came and passed, but they were not hers. Pam's hope started to flag just a bit. Maybe today wasn't going to be the day.

No, she argued with herself. We still have over a half-hour. And if this doesn't work out, I'll just have to think of something else. I'm not letting this day end without doing SOMETHING.

The DJ's voice broke into her soliloquy. "I've got another dedication here, and the email was so sweet I thought I should just read the whole thing," Pam heard her say. She felt a bit queasy as the woman's voice started to repeat Pam's email back to her. This was not what she expected. She felt herself starting to tremble a little, but it wasn't all from fear. It was the beginnings of excitement and anticipation.

She looked up at Jim, his back still facing her. She noticed that as the woman continued to read the email Jim stopped typing whatever it was he was working on. When she finally reached the end of the email, the part where she said it was to Jim from Pam, she saw him pull his hands to the arms of his chair, and sit still. Pam could hear the song starting, but her sense were focused on Jim.

Is it so hard to satisfy your senses

You found out to love me
you have to climb some fences...

She watched as he turned his chair slowly and looked at her. She met his questioning gaze with the slightest of nods. Yes, she thought, it was me. Pay attention. He continued to stare at her, and she wasn't about to be the first to look away.

Tell me does she love you
like the way I love you
Does she stimulate you
attract and captivate you
Tell me does she miss you
existing just to kiss you
Like the way I do...

The song felt infinitely longer sitting there, looking at him. It was if the entire office faded away and it was just her and him and the song. She found herself mouthing the words slightly, more out of habit than emphasis, but the result was the same. He sat transfixed. Pam heard Ryan calling Jim's name, and watched Jim put a hand up to Ryan, a signal asking him to wait.

The song was winding down when Ryan called Jim's name again, and with that he finally turned around to see what Ryan wanted. Pam took a deep breath, and looked down at her desk. Now what? she wondered. She looked back up, but Jim had his back to her, and was typing at his computer once again. She sat there, waiting for some sort of reaction. Fifteen minutes had passed without Jim once looking back at her. No email, no IMs. It was nearing 1pm when she decided to just go get her lunch. She wasn't sure what she was expecting, but him just sitting there wasn't it. Disappointed, she walked into the kitchen. Kelly was in the break room, and Pam knew the last thing she needed right now was that, so she brought her lunch back to her desk. This time, Jim didn't even raise his head when she walked past.

She hadn't put her earbud back in, so it took a few minutes before she realized she had received an instant message:

Jim: What was that about?

She thought his comment sounded angry, but she figured that was at least a start.

Pam: I thought the DJ made that pretty clear.

Jim: We need to talk.

Pam: I've been thinking that too.

Jim: Meet me outside in 5 minutes.

She had barely finished reading his reply when she saw him get up and put his suit jacket on. He walked over to the coat stand, giving her the briefest of glances, and she wasn't quite sure how to read his expression. It wasn't happiness, but it wasn't anger either.

She finished her yogurt and straightened up her desk. She made sure the phones were still on auto-answer, and she stood up to go meet Jim in the parking lot. She noticed he had shut down his computer, and then remembered he'd taken his messenger bag. Was he leaving for the day? That didn't make any sense to her, but just to be safe (and admitting she was being overly optimistic) she left a note for Michael saying she'd become unwell. She shut down her computer as well, and took her purse. It was likely she wouldn't want to have to come back into the office if things didn't go well, anyway.

The ride down the elevator seemed shorter than usual, and when she opened the front door to step outside the air was icy cold. She put her gloves on, and looked around. She saw Jim leaning against the back of his car, his head down.

This is it, she thought, and tied her scarf around her tighter. She had never been so terrified, but she thought about spending the rest of her life without him, and that seemed a million times worse by comparison. She just had to make him see they belonged together.

His head was still bowed down when she walked up to him. "Hey" she said softly.

He looked up at her. She thought he looked like he'd be crying, but there were no tears evident. "Get in the car," he said gruffly. "I can't do this here."

"Okay," she replied. Once in his car she looked over at him. "I hope you aren't planning on killing me and then dumping the body."

He couldn't help but smile at that. "No," he laughed. "Not today."

"Not today? Well that's comforting."

He looked at her, the smile still evident in his eyes. "I reserve the right to change my mind tomorrow."

She smiled back at him, and they looked at each other in silence for a moment. Jim soon looked away, starting the car.

They rode in silence, the easy mood they first had slipping away with each minute that passed. Pam noticed they had gone down the same street twice. "Where are we going?" she finally asked.

"You know, I really have no idea."

There was something in his voice that touched her. What was it? Defeat? Acceptance? Honesty? She didn't know what label to put on it, but she knew that she'd managed to put a crack in that wall that had been between them since he'd returned.

"We could go to my apartment," she offered carefully. "Or yours, if you prefer. Unless you live with someone." It hadn't even occurred to her until that moment that he might be living with Karen.

"No, I don't live with anyone" he said, answering her unspoken question. "Where do want to go?"

She hadn't expected to be given a choice. "Let's go to my apartment. It's a mess, but it's reasonably comfortable." She said, knowing she'd feel more confident in her own surroundings.

They fell silent again except for her directions. Once there she followed her up the path to the small porch of her apartment. She unlocked the door, and pushed it open. He followed her in, locking the door behind him.

She was taking off her coat, encouraging him to do the same, and the only thing she could think of was how small the room seemed with him in it. He was so tall, and he was all she could see. "Well, this is it," she said nervously,making a sweeping gesture. She meant in reference to her apartment, but as soon as she said it, she realized it sounded more like introduction to the whole reason they were there.

"Can I get you something to drink?" she asked.

He shook his head as he laid his coat down on an armchair. "No, I'm good, thanks."

"Well, I'm going to put on some water for hot chocolate. I'm still freezing." She walked open to her kitchen area, as her living and kitchen areas were really all one big space. As she filled the kettle and put it on the stove, Jim has walked slowly over to her, now standing at the small breakfast bar.

She sat down on one of the two stools, and he sat down on the other one.

"So," she said, not knowing what in the world to say.

"Yep," he replied. More silence. Pam was looking everywhere but at him. When she finally dared to look up she found him staring at her intently.

"Pam, what's going on here?" Jim finally said, his frustration evident.

She closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. She could feel her heart beating fast, but it was now or never. She put her right elbow on the counter and put her hand on her temple.

"I'm sorry," she confessed, opening her eyes. "Everything is complete mess between us and it's all my fault." She looked up at him. "I know that. I need to believe we can fix this."

Jim's arms had been folded over his chest, but at her words he spread his hand on the counter. "It's not entirely your fault," he replied, staring down at his hands. "There's plenty I could have done differently, should have done differently."

The fact that he was being so conciliatory gave Pam a jolt of hope. She reached across the counter and touched his hand. He jumped as if startled, but he didn't move his hand away. When he looked up at her, she suddenly felt the need to just tell him everything.

"I am so in love with you, Jim, and I think I must have been for a long time, but I was just too blind and confused to see it. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for everything." Her emotions were getting the better of her, and she felt a sob catching in her throat. "I have missed you so much."

Now she was crying, and she moved off her chair to get a paper towel from the holder near the stove. She wiped her eyes and nose, and turned around to go back to her chair. But in the meantime, Jim had stood and walked up behind her. With him standing right there, she moved into his arms and began to cry harder. She felt his arms go around her, his head dropping down to rest on hers. His hand was stroking her shoulder softly, and she could hear him making soothing noises. She wrapped her arms around him tighter, afraid that if she let go the moment would be gone. As her crying subsided, she heard the sound of his heartbeat. It was beating fast against her ear, much like hers was. "I'm so sorry," she said again.

His hand came up and stroked her hair. "I'm sorry too," he said. She pulled away to look up at him, and without waiting a moment to second guess herself, put her hands up around his neck, stood up on her tiptoes, and kissed him. It only took a few seconds for Jim to recover enough to put his arms around her waist again and lean in, kissing her back. She felt him pulling her closer and she welcomed it. The memories of their last kiss came rushing back to her. But this time it was even better, because she didn't have to feel guilty about all the feelings it was stirring up. Her only hesitation was the fact that he hadn't said anything yet about the way he felt. But she couldn't bear to break the spell she was under at that moment to find out. Let him be the one to end it, she thought.

But he didn't stop kissing her. And so for quite some time they stood there, reaching out for each other with hands and lips and sighs. Reaching out to end all the wasted time they had been at odds with each other, to end all the the misunderstandings and lost time and tears and sleepless nights.

The sound of the whistling tea kettle was the only thing that finally made Jim take a step back from Pam, whose back was by now up against the kitchen counter. She walked over to the stove, turned the heat off, and walked back over to Jim. There was a warmth in his eyes, in his whole demeanor that she once feared she'd never see again.

"So now what?" she asked.

"Whatever you want," he replied, reaching out for her.

She stepped closer, putting herself within his embrace again. "But what do you want? I think I've made my feelings pretty clear here. For once."

He shook his head slightly. "As much as I tried, as much as I thought I wanted them to, my feelings haven't changed. His hand touched her cheek. I still love you, Pam. I always have."

He went to kiss her, but she pulled back. "And Karen?"

He shook his head more firmly this time. "I, uh, We let it go a few weeks ago. She knew my heart just wasn't into it." He smiled wryly. "I tried so hard to get over you, Beesly. I really did. But I just couldn't do it."

"Thank God for that," she replied and hugged him tight. "I'm so sorry you even felt you had to try."

"Shh," he said, pulling her close again. "It doesn't matter anymore."

They stood there entwined, when finally Jim spoke again. "Isn't your hot water going to get too cold for hot chocolate."

She stepped back, smiling. "Doesn't matter. We can have some later." She took his hand and lead him out of the kitchen.

He followed her down a short hallway, and through a doorway. When she ushered him into her bedroom, the look on his face seemed to reflect everything she was feeling: uncertainty, excitement, desire, love.

"Are you sure...?" he started to ask.

"Yes," Pam replied, shutting the door firmly behind her. "It's the one thing I'm absolutely sure about."


****

Like The Way I Do
Words & Music by Melissa Etheridge

Is it so hard to satisfy your senses
You found out to love me you have to climb some fences
Scratching and crawling along the floor to touch you
And just when it feels right
you say you found someone else to hold you
Does she like I do

Tell me does she love you like the way I love you
Does she stimulate you attract and captivate you
Tell me does she miss you existing just to kiss you
Like the way I do
Tell me does she want you infatuate and haunt you
Does she know just how to shock and electrify and rock you
Does she inject you seduce you and affect you
Like the way I do

Can I survive all the implications
Even if I tried could you be less than an addiction
Dont you think I know theres so many others
Who would beg steal and lie fight kill and die
Just to hold you hold you like I do

Tell me does she love you like the way I love you
Does she stimulate you attract and captivate you
Tell me does she miss you existing just to kiss you
Like the way I do
Tell me does she want you infatuate and haunt you
Does she know just how to shock and electrify and rock you
Does she inject you seduce you and affect you
Like the way I do

Nobody loves you like the way I do
Nobody wants you like the way I do
Nobody needs you like the way I do
Nobody aches nobody aches just to hold you
Like the way I do

Tell me does she love you like the way I love you
Does she stimulate you attract and captivate you
Tell me does she miss you existing just to kiss you
Like the way I do
Tell me does she want you infatuate and haunt you
Does she know just how to shock and electrify and rock you
Does she inject you seduce you and affect you
Like the way I do



time4moxie is the author of 77 other stories.
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