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Author's Chapter Notes:

I did this for nomadshan's dundercross LJ community.

Thanks to xoxoxo for her awesome beta skills!

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and real people are the property of their respective owners or themselves. No copyright infringement is intended.

Jon: We're back! My next guest tonight is one of the subjects of the documentary The Office, which will be seen on NBC this summer. Take a look.

[clip from documentary of Dwight's stuff in Jell-o]

Jon: Please welcome to the program Jim Halpert. Jim!

[Jim comes out wearing grey flat front pants and a button-down shirt under a black sweater.]

Jon: Have a seat, sir.

Jim: Thanks!

Jon: First of all I have to ask you, how did you get that stapler in the Jell-O? Because I have to tell you -- we tried it here today. Didn't go very well.

Jim: It took alot of experimenting before I finally got it right. Don't use the recipe on the box. [audience laughs] No, really. What you need to do is only put in half the amount of water the recipe calls for to make it firm. And make sure it's a bright Jell-O like lemon because you can't see what's inside when you use something like raspberry.

Jon: So you're a big fan of Jell-O then?

Jim: Um...Jell-O is my preferred medium for pranks, but I would rather eat chocolate pudding.

Jon: Fair enough. Do you usually pull pranks on Dwight?

Jim: All the time! I once convinced him it was Friday when it was Thursday so he forgot to show up for work the next day. I dipped a knife in ketchup and put it in his desk drawer to make him think he killed someone and just didn't remember it. I put all his stuff in the vending machine and he had to buy it all back. Of course, to make it more interesting, I put his wallet in J1.

Jon: His wallet with his money to pay for the stuff in the vending machine?

Jim: Yeah. I gave him a bag of nickels, but didn't realize there weren't enough in there, so he had to dig through the office couch for enough spare change to buy that back first.

Jon: I don't what to know what else he found in that couch, do I?

Jim: Umm...no. No you don't. But yeah, there have been a few pranks on Dwight. But he totally deserves them so it's ok.

Jon: You realize he's going to know it was you now since you mentioned it on national television.

Jim: It's ok. He lives on a beet farm with no electricity.

Jon: A beet farm?

Jim: Yeah.

Jon: Does it at least have indoor plumbing?

Jim [squints]: Not that I know of.

Jon: Ok then. So tell us a little bit about your office.

Jim: Well, I'm a sales manager for Dunder Mifflin, which is a regional paper supply firm. We're like the smaller, friendlier version of Staples. So our corporate office was approached by a film crew that wanted to do a documentary about the American work place and our branch in Scranton was chosen as the subject for filming.

Jon: Was it weird having them around?

Jim: Definitely. I would be working on something boring and there would be a camera in my face. So it was weird because you felt sometimes like you had to be doing something interesting. Everyone got used to it after awhile and by the end we didn't even notice them really. But you also had to find ways around the camera to have private conversations or you would look over your shoulders to see if they were somewhere else or something like that.

Jon: So why you guys?

Jim: [sarcastically] I ask myself that everyday. I thought it would be boring for them to be there, but then I remembered that we have quite a cast of characters in our office and they're all real.

Jon: No one is acting for the camera?

Jim: Nope.

Jon: So you really have a crazy cat lady in charge of accounting?

Jim: Yep. That's not a stereotype we had to cast someone for. That's really Angela our accountant.

Jon: And Michael Scott actually exists?

Jim: Yeah.

Jon: Wow. How has he not been fired yet?

Jim: Michael can say some inappropriate things at times...[Jim smiles] well, alot of times, but he's an amazing sales man. He always gets the sale when he needs it. And you can't always tell, but he does has a pure heart and his intentions are always in the right place. We get frustrated with him sometimes, but we know he would be loyal to us no matter what.

Jon: There've also been some rumors about you and the receptionist. What's her name?

Jim [raising his eyebrows]: Pam?

Jon: Pam. Yeah. So what happens with you and Pam? Because in the first few episodes, it looks like you have a thing for her.

Jim: Well...um...we had to sign a non-disclosure contract with NBC so I can't tell you about what happens between Pam and I.

Jon: Does she marry the guy from the warehouse?

Jim: I don't know.

Jon: You do know, don't you?

Jim: Maybe. [Jim tries to give an innocent looking smile to the camera and the audience laughs]

Jon: Dammit. The monkeys over at NBC have trained you well.

Jim [laughs]: Yeah, but I will at least say that there is no better receptionist out there than Pam. Everyone would want a receptionist like Pam in their office.

Jon: Good enough. Alright, before you go, we have to put you on the Seat of Heat. [Seat of Heat graphic shows up on screen] So here's your question, MacGyver. I have some yellow police tape. What's the best way to prank someone with it?

Jim [with a sly look of concentration]: Hm...I would say put it around someone's desk and try to convince them the cops showed up and their desk holds some kind of evidence of a crime. Then call their phone and remind them they can't answer it because that could destroy the crime scene.

Jon: That's a good one. I'll try that on Samantha Bee tomorrow. Jim, thanks for coming in. Jim Halpert, everybody!

[Jon and Jim shake hands as the screen fades to black]

[The screen fades back in from the commercial break]

Jon: Before we go, as always we check in with our good friend Stephen Colbert at The Colbert Report. Stephen?

Stephen: Hey Jon! Can you go find that Jim Halpert guy and see if he will spill the beans about Pam?

Jon: His contract says he can't.

Stephen: Well, maybe you can just at least see if he has her phone number so I can call and "order some paper" from her, if you know what I mean.

Jon: I don't want to know, Stephen. That's our show for tonight. Join us tomorrow when our guest will be Kofi Annan, secretary general of the United Nations. Until then, here it is, your moment of zen.

[clip from The Office]

Dwight: Do you want to form an alliance?
Jim: Absolutely, I do.



sharky is the author of 26 other stories.



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