This is a series of instant message sent between Jim and Pam during their pregnancy. I know I’m going a little crazy hopping all over the place and out of order…unfortunately my mind will not come up with these things in a nice chronological order! Hope it’s ok!

PBeesly: I’m fat

JHalpert: I refuse to participate in this conversation.

PBeesly: Because you think I’m fat?

JHalpert: You’re pregnant.

PBeesly: Also fat.

JHalpert: I refuse to participate in this conversation.

PBeesly: I hate you.

JHalpert: If you hated me you wouldn’t be so fat in the first place.

~~~~~~

PBeesly: Mmmm…Ice cream.

JHalpert: Elaborate please.

PBeesly: Ice cream and pretzels. For lunch.

JHalpert: Shut up.

PBeesly: No…delicious.

JHalpert: You’ve had it? What the hell kind of ice cream parlors have you been to?

PBeesly: I’ve never tried it Halpert. I just know it’ll be delicious.

JHalpert: I won’t support this.

PBeesly: You do not have to. The baby supports it. The baby wins.

JHalpert: Already I have no control in this dynamic.

PBeesly: Better to face the facts now, right? I mean rather than later.

JHalpert: Whatever.

~~~~~~~

JHalpert: Are you ok?

PBeesly: Yeah…a little nauseous.

JHalpert: I thought the morning sickness phase was over.

PBeesly: It is, but I think Dwight is making me sick. Every time he comes over here to ask me something, I feel physically ill.

JHalpert: Try sitting next to him.

PBeesly: I’m serious.

JHalpert: He smells?

PBeesly: Yes!

JHalpert: Ok…I’m leaning in….he’s staring…I don’t smell anything.

PBeesly: You’re not sniffing hard enough.

JHalpert: I can not sniff him any harder…and I refuse to.

PBeesly: You don’t love me.

JHalpert: Not that much…no.

PBeesly: Suck it.

JHalpert: Won’t sniff it or suck it, thank you very much.

PBeesly: So hot.

JHalpert: Pam I know….stop harassing me.

PBeesly: Seriously - hiding Dwight’s things in the parking lot…a scavenger hunt – some of your best work.

JHalpert: Really? I thought it was kind of sloppy. Poorly executed…I was rushing.

PBeesly: Your motivation makes up for performance…Thank you for getting Dwight away from me. If he came by here one more time I would have hurled.

JHalpert: I figured out what the smell is.

PBeesly: What?

JHalpert: Deer jerky.

PBeesly: Ugh…

~~~~~~~

JHalpert: Button, button number 3.

PBeesly: Excuse me?

JHalpert: Michael…all day…button number 3.

PBeesly: Not following.

JHalpert: The “ticking time bags” as it were…are catching Michael’s attention today.

PBeesly: Kind of hard to miss them these days I guess.

JHalpert: Indeed…however Pam, I think I’d prefer that he miss them.

PBeesly: Kevin was looking too. He stopped to get some jelly beans and said “niiiiice.”

JHalpert: Ok, seriously…those are my jellybeans.

PBeesly: No need to get so worked up about jellybeans. I have a full bag under my desk.

JHalpert: I hate it when you’ve got jellybeans that you really, really like…and then other people come over and stare at them.

PBeesly: Wow…not sure what we’re talking about anymore, so buttoning button number 3 and also putting away the jellybeans.

JHalpert: Thank you.

~~~~~~~

PBeesly: Have you decided?

JHalpert: The raise thing?

PBeesly: No, the haircut thing

JHalpert: Snippy

PBeesly: Sorry…decided?

JHalpert: Yeah, I’m gonna do it. He can’t say no right? Seriously…

PBeesly: He could because he’s Michael…you may not be dealing with rational…I could flash him.

JHalpert: Wow…or not.

PBeesly: It’d be for a good cause.

JHalpert: Define good cause.

PBeesly: Our child’s college fund…

JHalpert: And what will we say when little Pam wants to know how two Dunder-Mifflin employees managed such an education?

PBeesly: That mommy stayed abreast of all the latest scholarships and loans.

JHalpert: Truly the worst joke I’ve ever heard…and italics? Come on.

PBeesly: The worst joke ever Jim, really?

JHalpert: I want a divorce….Flashing I can live with – bad jokes…unforgivable.

~~~~~~~

PBeesly: Are you kidding me!

JHalpert: Pam it was Kelly…what did you think she was going to ask about?

PBeesly: I don’t care! Why is she asking about our sex life?

JHalpert: Because she’s Kelly. If it has nothing at all to do with work – she’ll talk about it.

PBeesly: What did you say?

JHalpert: That we screw like monkies

PBeesly: Be serious…stop laughing!

JHalpert: We’re IMing – you can’t comment on things I did not “do” online.

PBeesly: I can hear you. You’re sitting right next to me Halpert.

JHalpert: :::sigh::: so tired of people who don’t know online etiquette.

PBeesly: Quit stalling. What did you say to her?

JHalpert: When she asked if the sex was still the same now that you’re so big?

PBeesly: I hate you.

JHalpert: I said ‘What sex? Neither one of us even likes sex…we had Pam implanted.’

PBeesly: You didn’t.

JHalpert: Yes…I did…at which point Dwight perked up and wanted to know what we had you implanted with. In my naiveté I said “a baby” and he said “oh…boring.”……stop laughing.

PBeesly: You can’t hear me. We’re IMing…….What did Kelly say?

JHalpert: She just looked at me for a second…then walked away. She didn’t get it.

PBeesly: I love you.

JHalpert: So easy.

~~~~~~~

PBeesly: I want to have sex with you.

JHalpert: Obviously.

PBeesly: No…now.

JHalpert: Wow.

PBeesly: I think you should meet me on the roof in like 5 minutes.

JHalpert: Is this Pam?

PBeesly: I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m like…crazy horny right now.

JHalpert: That is amazing news.

PBeesly: Well can you help me or not?

JHalpert: Whoa…yeah, calm down there sparky. No need to get rough. I’m pretty much yours for the taking.

PBeesly: Hurry up

JHalpert: :::sigh::: I hate it when I have to have sex on the roof.

JHalpert: That was hot.

PBeesly: Eh…

JHalpert: Shut up.

PBeesly: I don’t know…your best work?

JHalpert: You’re ridiculous.

PBeesly: :::smooches::: WONDERFUL :::smooches::::

~~~~~~~

JHalpert: Pam…Pam, it’s just Michael.

PBeesly: I know.

JHalpert: Don’t cry.

PBeesly: I’m not

JHalpert: So what’s :::sniff:::sniff:::

PBeesly: Allergies

JHalpert: Pam

PBeesly: I know!!! I’m just not in the mood. My back hurts, my head hurts

JHalpert: Well just tell him that you’re not in the mood.

PBeesly: My boobs hurt!

JHalpert: Don’t tell him that.

PBeesly: I hate this job

JHalpert: Well…have you thought anymore about what we talked about? Maybe maternity leave is it – the open door. Go full steam ahead with your art classes.

PBeesly: Really? That wouldn’t bug you? Me not working? Pulling my weight?

JHalpert: Pam I wouldn’t have suggested it if it bothered me. Besides I’m pretty sure you’re going to be pulling your weight…you know – the kid and all. It’s not like you’re gonna be home eating Mixed Berry all day.

PBeesly: Very funny……I’ll think about it.

JHalpert: Good.

PBeesly: What happened?

JHalpert: Nothing, it’s fine.

PBeesly: Jim

JHalpert: It wasn’t a big deal. I asked him to back off.

PBeesly: What did he say?

JHalpert: He looked at me like I was crazy…then I just – you know…related it back to him.

PBeesly: How’s that exactly?

JHalpert: I had him close his eyes and imagine it was him and Jan…and Jan was having a bad day at corporate and she was having his baby and she just wanted to be left alone…

PBeesly: You did not.

JHalpert: I did…and then he started crying.

PBeesly: Oh my God!

JHalpert: I had to get out of there before I lost it.

PBeesly: My hero.

JHalpert: Your hero got his crotch hugged.

~~~~~~~~

JHalpert: Um…I thought you wanted to change your work email to Halpert.

PBeesly: Oh yeah, no I do. I just keep forgetting.

JHalpert: Oh.

PBeesly: Why?

JHalpert: Nothing, I just…is Roy still emailing you?

PBeesly: Huh?

JHalpert: No, no reason…I just was thinking about it because earlier he said that thing about having mentioned to you about his grandpa’s 90th birthday party or something? And I didn’t remember hearing that conversation so, I just figured maybe he emailed you about it.

PBeesly: He didn’t email, he talked to me about it at lunch the other day.

JHalpert: When did you have lunch with Roy?

PBeesly: I didn’t “have lunch” with Roy. He came in on Tuesday and ate in the break room. I happened to be in there and he mentioned his grandpa’s party.

JHalpert: Tuesday…interesting.

PBeesly: Why is that interesting?

JHalpert: The one day this week I had a sales call during lunch. The one day I had to drive all the way to Carbondale.

PBeesly: Jim, it’s totally not a big deal. He was just…talking.

JHalpert: So he’s not emailing you anymore?

PBeesly: I think I already said no…….Jim, seriously – it was just about his grandpa.

JHalpert: I know. It’s totally not a big deal.

PBeesly: It sounds like it is.

JHalpert: Just wondering when you were going to change your address…that’s all.

PBeesly: All my credit cards, my checks…they’re all changed which is a much bigger ordeal….I’m gonna do it. I’ve kinda been busy being pregnant with your child and all.

JHalpert: The tone isn’t necessary.

PBeesly: Just following your lead.

JHalpert: I just don’t get why he has to talk to you. I don’t get why you have to talk to him. It annoys the hell out of me.

PBeesly: I don’t want to IM about this anymore.

JHalpert: Great. Tabled.

PBeesly: Fantastic.

JHalpert: That was intense…sorry.

PBeesly: Yes.

JHalpert: I’m so not that guy. You know that.

PBeesly: Yeah, right.

JHalpert: What does that mean?

PBeesly: Jim, I love you…but you are so that guy. You just keep it well hidden.

JHalpert: What?

PBeesly: I, Pamela HALPERT – know you’re that guy and sometimes I like it.

JHalpert: Really?

PBeesly: Yeah…I think you should think about developing this side of your persona actually. Maybe tonight you can rip my clothes off of me and we can pretend you’ve gone crazy with jealousy.

JHalpert: Wow…not sure what to say about that. Yes?

PBeesly: It’s just pretend. Obviously, you’ve got no reason for concern.

JHalpert: I heart Pam.

PBeesly: Of course.

~~~~~~~

PBeesly: I’m so tired

JHalpert: You should get out of here. Go home and get some rest.

PBeesly: Think I can slip by Michael?

JHalpert: I’ll go in and create a diversion.

PBeesly: You’d do that for me?

JHalpert: Well…I’m bored, so…

PBeesly: Thanks.

JHalpert: Should I pick something up for dinner?

PBeesly: Mexican

JHalpert: Will do…….Creating the diversion now…see ya.

PBeesly: See ya

~~~~~~~

PBeesly: I think I just had a contraction

PBeesly: No – stay in your seat. I don’t want everybody knowing.

JHalpert: Ok…so…you wanna have the baby right here or…I mean Dwight could deliver. He knows CPR, so…

PBeesly: Shut up.

JHalpert: Seriously, you think it was a contraction?

PBeesly: I’m not sure…just this twinge in my lower back. Not a big deal. But a different feeling than what I’m used to.

JHalpert: Ok…so we wait?

PBeesly: Yeah…I’ll let you know.

JHalpert. Ok don’t IM next time though because I can’t like…type about this.

PBeesly: What? Are you serious?

PBeesly: Alright I’ll throw something at you.

JHalpert: That would be perfect. Thank you…and if you could aim for the head – stellar.

PBeesly: Will do.

JHalpert: What was that?

PBeesly: I thought you didn’t want to IM about it?

JHalpert: Was that a contraction?

PBeesly: No…I hit my elbow on the corner of my desk.

JHalpert: ::sigh:: so careless.

PBeesly: Ok. Yeah…I’m pretty sure now.

JHalpert: I thought I said not to IM about it!

PBeesly: Um…ok….yelling at your wife who’s in labor?

JHalpert: Ok. Signing off

PBeesly: Wait!

JHalpert: For God’s sake…what?

PBeesly: Nothing.

JHalpert: I love you. Let’s do this.

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