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Resolved

"And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

Pam sighed. She loved "When Harry Met Sally." It was her New Year's Eve tradition to break out her old VHS tape and watch it while she cooked pork and saurkraut. Roy loved the meal but always mocked the movie. She had enjoyed watching it in peace this year (whenever she let herself think about it, Pam was amazed at how little she missed Roy. The thought made her feel guilty and stupid; guilty, because after so many years she figured she really should miss him, and stupid because it was now so obvious that they were just such a mismatch).

Pam drew her flannel-pajama-clad legs up toward her chin, hugging her legs and rocking slightly. She was no longer listening to Harry and Sally describe their perfect wedding cake. As happened more and more often these days, she was thinking about Jim. Pam was finally starting to let herself realize that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. This thought, too, made her feel stupid- stupid and hopeless. How could she have been so blind for so long? Jim was a perfect match for her- their shared sense of humor, compatiable dispositions, obvious rapport, genuine friendship, and even that certain chemical spark between them attested to how good they would be together. But when Jim had confessed his feelings, Pam had been engaged and tenaciously clinging to her relationship with Roy beyond all hope.

And now, she was clinging to her newly acknowledged feelings for Jim with even less hope. It had taken her months to admit to herself the major part that Jim had played in her decision to end her relationship with Roy. He wasn't the only reason, of course, but his figure (and his feelings for her) had lurked quietly in the background of her heart as she'd returned a ring and resumed her own life. Even after the wedding was cancelled, she had been too unsure of herself to reach out to him. Reach out? She'd pushed him away with both hands; how could she even presume to claim a place in a heart she'd already broken?

But his heart was no longer broken. Pam knew, without a doubt, that she had no right to be upset that Jim had become involved with Karen. Pam was not aware that the ending credits of her movie were over. She was thinking about how much she genuinely liked Karen. This was no Katy, whom Pam had known to be wrong for Jim far beyond any repressed feelings of jealousy. Karen could be right for Jim. Not a perfect match, of course, but right in ways that Pam couldn't deny or combat.

Lifting her head and wiping away the beginnings of a tear, Pam noticed the clock. She swiftly grabbed her remote control and deftly switched from the movie to the regular cable feed, where Carson Daly was about to ring in the New Year. A new year meant another chance, though, right? Karen was great, but Pam knew Jim. Maybe he still...maybe it wasn't too late. A sense of expectation, one she'd been denying all evening, made a final surge through her heart.

Ten, nine, eight...As the ball dropped, Pam realized that she'd been waiting, foolishly, for the doorbell to ring. She'd been hoping, deep within her heart, for Jim to come and say the words to her that Harry had said to Sally.

Seven, six, five...He wasn't coming. Why would he?

Four, three...It was her turn. Hadn't he risked enough?

Two, one, Happy New Year!

With a deep breath, Pam stood up from the sofa. She walked to the counter, where the notepad she kept for grocery lists and phone messages lay waiting. She took a nearby Dunder Mifflin pen in hand.

New Year's Resolutions - 2007

1) Tell him.

2) Stop watching so many romantic comedies.

 

 

 



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