"Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam." In her peripheral vision, she saw Karen approaching her desk. "I'll transfer you - please hold."
"Pam?" Karen's voice was strained and weak, and Pam saw the weariness in her friend's face. "You and I need to talk."
"Is everything okay?" Pam asked as she switched on her voicemail and stood to follow Karen. When they passed by Jim's desk, she couldn't help but notice the look of animosity between him and Karen. Once she was past, he met Pam's eyes and shrugged, turning back to his call.
When the two women were settled in at a table in the break room, Karen met Pam's gaze. "Pam, we're...okay, right? You and me?"
"I would think so," Pam replied, smiling. But when Karen's face stayed cold, her own smile faded. "Karen, tell me. What's wrong?"
The tears in Karen's eyes were unmistakable as she spoke. "Do you love him?"
Pam stopped. Stopped breathing, stopped thinking, just...stopped. "Who?" she asked, despite knowing the answer.
"Jim." She was crying now, her cheeks red and tear-stained. "Pam, are you in love with Jim?"
Yes. I never told him, but I've always loved him. "No," she lied. She wondered if that would convince anyone - her own voice certainly wasn't convincing her.
"Goddamn it, Pam!" Karen jumped out of her chair. "If you can't tell me the truth, then we're anything but okay." She closed her eyes briefly, trying to calm herself. "He still has feelings for you, you know."
"What?" Pam whispered.
Karen met her gaze again, a sad smile on her lips. "He told me. At Oscar's welcome home party. I saw the way you two were together. If there was any more chemistry between you, there'd be an explosion." She sniffled, rubbing her hands over her eyes. "So I asked him. I asked him if he still had feelings for you. And he didn't even look at me. He just nodded and said yes. He didn't pad it. He didn't try to deny it. He just fucking said yes."
"Karen..."
"I should have known it," she said, almost laughing now. "I mean, he was so hesitant when we first started dating. He blamed shyness, and I bought it." Pam wondered if she was talking to her now, or maybe trying to console herself. "And then, whenever we... He never used my name. Not once. And I made more excuses, gave him more endearing quirks. I never wanted to believe that he was with someone else in his head." She looked at Pam. "And all the while, it was you. I was just a...stand-in for you." She exhaled. "So tell me honestly. Are you in love with Jim?"
Pam could barely breathe. And yet, despite her heart and soul telling her otherwise, she murmured, "I...don't know."
Karen just walked out, leaving Pam alone with the realization that everything had just gotten even more complicated than she could have expected.
Karen was gone long before the day ended. She'd explained that she didn't feel well soon after her conversation with Pam, and then she was out the door. Meanwhile, Pam sat behind her desk, her eyes unfocused as she seemed to stare at her computer screen.
At ten minutes to five, an IM popped up, scaring Pam out of her trance.
jhalpert: You look sad. :( What's wrong?
pbeesly: ...a lot.
jhalpert: Wanna talk about it?
pbeesly: Not here. Be on the roof at 5:10.
jhalpert: I'm...not helping you jump, Beesly.
pbeesly: You're VERY funny. Just be there, okay?
jhalpert: Got it. See you then.
*
By the time she got to the roof, he was there, his back to her. She took the moment of virtual invisibility to study him.
He was skinner than she remembered, his black peacoat cinched around his thin hips and waistline. His rusty-brown hair was still as shaggy as ever, blowing around in the wind, little flakes of snow caught in it as Scranton's winter finally kicked in. His hands were tucked into his pockets, but despite the fact that she couldn't see them, the memories came rushing back - those hands on her hips, his fingers clutching at her dress and gently marking the skin underneath. She could still almost feel his lips against hers, soft, searching, promising...
"Earth to Pam." His voice was so quiet, she would have thought she dreamt it if it weren't for the fact that he was grinning at her, his eyes warm and his cheeks red from the cold. "I thought I lost you for a second there."
"Sorry," she murmured. "I was thinking."
He smiled again. "Wow. That...doesn't qualify for an apology." Pulling his shoulders up higher, to ward off the snow and the chill, he watched her. "Now, do you want to tell me why you brought me up here?"
She froze. She could feel her mouth opening and closing, grasping for the right words, sure she looked like a fish out of water. "Did you break up with Karen?" she finally blurted.
Jim looked stunned. "Um... I don't... I don't know. We had a...disagreement. I don't know what's going on right now."
"You had a 'disagreement' over me," she stated. He stared at her. "I know all about it, Jim. Karen told me."
"Pam, I..."
"No." She stayed in her place, more than six feet separating them. "Listen to me. I'm going to be honest with you, and I want you to do the same with me. No more bullshit, okay? This is you and me. Jim and Pam. Halpert and Beesly." She gestured between each pairing, a tiny, determined smile on her lips. "Partners in crime. For Christ's sake, for as long as we've known each other, we've got to start trusting each other."
"Okay."
That one word gave her more hope than anything, and she pushed on, hoping some of Karen's bravery had rubbed off on her. "Jim, I need you to look me in the eye and tell me if you've still got feelings for me."
Jim took a deep breath. "Pam, I...I can't."
"That's my excuse," she replied dryly. "Try again, and I want the whole truth."
"I can't tell you, Pam." It broke her heart to see tears in his eyes again. Why did she always make him cry? What kind of power did she hold over him? Was this how it always was when love went ignored? "I can't go through it again. The last time I told you, I ended up with a broken heart, a lost best friend, and a life I couldn't handle. And on top of all that, I ended up hurting a completely innocent person who deserved so much better."
"You think I didn't go through those same things? I'll risk it again, Jim. But you have to say it, good or bad. I don't care either way - I deserve whatever you say to me. But I need to know for myself. Tell me. Please, please, don't be afraid to tell me."
He dropped his head, closing his eyes. "Pam, I don't know how to..."
She slowly, slowly, slowly moved towards him, her hands shaking as she pulled off her gloves. When she was just inches away from him, she linked her fingers with his, palm to palm, holding their joined hands between them. "Okay, how about this? I know that neither of us is good with words. But I think we've always been decent when it came to our actions. So if you don't have feelings for me anymore, I want you to let go of my hand, push me away and leave - right now." She loosened her grip, but only slightly. "But know this. I'm going to kiss you. And if you don't push me away, if you let me kiss you, I'll know that Karen wasn't lying, and that we're going to have a lot to work on."
Jim kept his eyes on hers, barely even blinking. She closed the space between them, keeping their hands together, pushing the other one up into his hair, her thumb caressing the sensitive skin just in front of his ear. Getting up on tiptoe, she pressed her lips to his. He didn't react at first, and her heart started to sink. She thought he was going to pull away.
But then he released her fingers and pressed her hand against his heart. His arms looped around her waist, clutching her tightly against his body. His lips slanted over hers, and she opened for him, but he didn't take the bait. Instead, he continued kissing her innocently, but with more passion than she'd ever known. She whimpered a little, wanting to taste him, wanting all of him.
When he finally broke the kiss, he rested his forehead against hers. "So," he said quietly.
"So," she repeated. "I guess Karen wasn't lying."
He smiled, the crooked, half-smile she'd come to love. "No, she wasn't."
"Where does this take us?" she asked, her eyes lowering to where her fingers still clung desperately to the front of his coat. The snow had stopped, but it was still bitterly cold, and she saw that while her knuckles were white, her fingers had become red.
Jim kissed her again, even more simply than before - the kind of kiss that only two people so perfectly matched, only two people so completely in synch could share. "Do we have to worry about that now?"
"No," she admitted, a smile crossing her own face. "But promise me one thing, in case this does go further than this roof."
"Anything," he said, brushing snowflakes out of the hair that hung in her face.
She looked up into his eyes, seeing the love she felt reflected there. She realized that she didn't need the words - not yet. "No more lies, no more deception, no more secrets. From now on, we're one-hundred-percent honest, no matter how painful it might be."
"It's a deal," Jim replied. "And in honor of that promise - I am still in love with you, Pam."
And there they were. The words she didn't need but would have given up heaven and earth to hear every second of every day from then until eternity. She lifted up and found his mouth again.
An old motto floated through her head as they stood there in each other's arms. "Honesty is the best policy."
She was beginning to believe that whoever'd said that was definitely onto something.
