Christmas Party

Talk to me, Tivo: After Michael suggests a game of Yankee Swap with the Secret Santa gifts, everyone fights over Michael’s gift to Ryan, bringing morale to an all-time low.
Jaminess: 2 [3=Casino Night]

Jam Cam: It’s the most wonderful time of the year! So wonderful, in fact, that Jim got Pam for Secret Santa. He bought her a teapot that he knows she wants because he pays attention to her. As an added bonus, there’s some hot sauce packets, his really cute [but dorky] high school picture, and a card “because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel.” Awwww.

So while Jim is packing up with box with a card that tells Pam…something, Pam has to tell Michael there can’t be any liquor at the party. Then she feels like passively aggressively helping Angela set up for the party.

But who needs parties when you have Secret Santa! Michael asks Jim if he got a good gift this year for his secret crush…I mean, Santa. Jim thinks he did a pretty good job despite the $20 limit and we may agree but it depends on what we find out he wrote in the card. Michael, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to get the whole “secret” part of Secret Santa, which sort of ruins it for Jim before it even begins.

It’s present time! Creed is proud to announce that Jim’s present is from him. Jim is proud to show off the shirt from Creed’s closet that isn’t even going to come close to fitting. Pam looks genuinely happy when she opens her teapot and thanks Santa, whoever that is. We know! Jim tries to explain there is more to the gi…oh nevermind. We have to go quick with these presents. Moving on! Now!

After Michael gets Ryan a video iPod and gets only a knit oven mitt, he freaks out and officially declares Yankee Swap in order to get rid of his “gift.” Jim calls it Nasty Christmas, Pam [like my family] calls it White Elephant. Either way, someone is ending up with a fruitcake. Oh wait…that was me last year. Someone will end with an oven mitt.

Meredith is up first and she takes the teapot. Jim looks crestfallen — he specifically bought that for Pam after all. “Yaaaankeee Swap! That’s what makes it fun,” Michael declares. Jim does not look like he’s having fun. At all. Empty-handed Pam grabs the iPod of Michael’s love from Ryan. Ick. Pam looks a little giddy about her lot in life, Jim looks dejected. First, he gets a crap gift from Creed, then the present he literally put his heart and soul into has landed somewhere in the Yankee Swap black hole and Pam looking more excited about the iPod she swapped for.

One last round, one last chance to make things better. Pam takes the iPod, again to the disappointment of Jim. “Sure you don’t want to the teapot?” he begs. But yeah, yeah, take the iPod, it’s ok. Besides, it won’t be so bad because Oscar has the teapot. Oh crap, nevermind. Dwight, of all people, has the teapot and a little part of Jim dies inside. “You gotta be kidding me,” Jim mutters. Nope, Dwight has the teapot and he’ll probably use it for something other than tea like his paintballs or something. Sorry, Jim.

Nope, I was wrong. Dwight is going to stick the teapot up his nose to clear his sinuses when he gets sick. Can this get any worse? Well, it could for Pam. Seems her little ploy to get the iPod means Roy doesn’t have to get it for her for Christmas anymore so he can hop to the mall for a sweater or something. Pam needs some booze, Jim needs some booze, and luckily Santa Booze shows up in the form of Michael with a case — yes, a case — of vodka.

Pam needs that iPod of hers to block out Roy’s yap yap yapping about fantasy football. And then she sees it — her teapot. In the hands of Dwight. Ick. It’s like she’s stuck between two evils.

While everyone else is getting a little crazy, Pam’s sitting at her desk when Jim comes over to remind her she doesn’t need to answer phones during the Christmas party. “I was just checking out my present,” she says, putting the teapot on the counter. Oh my God! She got her teapot back! The teapot Jim bought her! Squee! She traded with Dwight because Jim went through all that trouble. Oh, and as an afterthought, Roy got her iPod or was going to get her one or something. Who cares? She has the teapot with the bonus gifts and the card that Jim wrote just for her. Bonus gifts? Jim looks excited to tell her that and Pam looks excited to see them. A Boggle timer, a yearbook picture! “Yeah, I think I made the right choice,” Pam muses. Wait until she read the card because that’s going to make her choice even better. Jim picks up the card from Pam’s desk and….wha? Is he putting it in his pocket? Dammit, Jim! How is Pam going to know what it says if it’s in your pocket? How are we supposed to know? You frustrate us in so many ways, Halpert, so many ways. Thanks for nothing.

The Others: It’s Christmas party time, but Michael seems to be the only one in the spirit since he’s the only one that got a bonus. After giving his boyfriend Ryan an iPod during Secret Santa, he gets an oven mitt from Phyllis and freaks out. Yankee swap! The weather outside is getting frightful and so is the babies playing jazz poster Toby bought for Angela while Kelly’s name plate goes to Ryan. Interesting. The whole incident drains any kind of holiday cheer from everyone so to make up for it, Michael gets lots of booze and everyone has a gay old time. Packer shows up with mistletoe in his belt — ick — but it looks like Dwight may be the only one getting a kiss. This, of course, is the last straw for Angela. Her party planning was a bust and her crush got a kiss from someone else so of course she freaks out in the parking lot and breaks a bunch of ornaments. Meredith freaks out inside and shows Michael her tits, and then everyone has a fun little snowball fight in the middle of California…I mean, Scranton. Merry friggin’ Christmas!

What have we learned today, kids: Who cares about the money you spent? It’s the thought that counts. Anyone can just go buy a sweater at the mall, but it’s the special ones that buy you a teapot, which is just what you wanted, filled with all the little jokes you shared over the years. Although it is a little strange he didn’t get you a card, too.

– written by Jenny

Quotes

Jim: So this year, for the first time ever, I got Pam in Secret Santa and I got her this teapot, which I know she really wants so she can make tea at her desk. But I’m also going to stuff it with some inside jokes — like this is my high school yearbook photo. She saw it at the party and it really makes her laugh. I’m not sure why. Um, what else? Oh, this is a hot sauce packet. She put this on a hot dog a couple of years ago because she thought it was ketchup and it was really funny so I kept the other two. This would take a little too long to explain, so I won’t. And this is a card because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel.

Dwight: Pam.
Pam: Oh my God! [shows off the teapot] Thank you very much, Santa, whoever you are. It’s awesome! Jim: There’s a little more to it.
Dwight: Alright, next! Ryan.

Michael: Ok, Meredith is up first. Here’s the deal. You can either pick a new gift or you can steal somebody else’s gift they’ve already gotten like the oven mitt.
Meredith: I’ll take the teapot.
Jim: Oh, shouldn’t we…I bought that specifically for Pam.
Michael: Yaaankee Swap. That’s what makes it fun. Pam, you can steal the oven mitt now.
Pam: I’ll take the iPod.

Dwight: Pam, steal something or pick the final gift.
Pam: I want the iPod.
Kelly: Dammit.
Jim: Sure you don’t want the teapot?
Pam: I mean, it’s an iPod.
Jim: Right.
Pam: Sorry.
Jim: No no, definitely.
Kelly: Ok, well, I guess I’ll take that book of short stories.
Dwight: Yes! There you go. I want the teapot. Gracias.
Jim: You’ve got to be kidding me.

Jim: I bought this teapot for Pam and I know she really wants it, so can I trade you for it?
Dwight: No trades.
Jim: Come on, it’s a shamrock keychain. Good luck.
Dwight: “A real man makes his own luck.” Billy Zane, Titanic.
Jim: Look, it has sentimental value, Dwight. Can I buy it from you?
Dwight: No, I want it. I’m going to use it.
Jim: You don’t even drink tea.
Dwight: True, but I get sinus infections and sinus infections can be cured by making tea from green tea leaf stems and pouring it directly into your nose like so. [Dwight sticks the teapot in his nose.]

Jim: To think that my gift to Pam will be used for that — it’s a little too much to handle.

Roy: This is awesome.
Pam: I know! It’s totally going to change the way I work out.
Roy: Yeah, and I was going to get you one of these for Christmas. Now I don’t have to. I’m gonna save a ton of money.
Pam: So what are you going to get me instead?
Roy: I don’t know. Probably like a sweater or something.

Jim: You know, you don’t have to answer calls during a party. Just thought you should know.
Pam: No, I was just, um, checking out my present. [Pam pulls out her teapot.] Jim: But…
Pam: I traded with Dwight. I just�I figured, you know, you went to a lot of trouble and that means a lot and also Roy got me an iPod or, um, was going to get me an iPod, so…
Jim: Well, either way. This is an amazing gift because it comes with bonus gifts. Look inside.
Pam: Oh my God! The yearbook picture!

Pam: Yeah, I think I made the right choice. [Holds her teapot up for the camera.]

Pam: Oh my God, this is incredible! Is this the Boggle timer?
[Jim grabs the card he put in the box and puts it in his pants pocket.] Jim: I didn’t think you were going to get that one. I really didn’t know.

Email Surveillance

Talk to me, Tivo: When Michael begins monitoring their emails, he manages to upset all of the employees.
Jaminess: 2 [3=Casino Night]

Jam Cam: Someone thought it would be a good idea to give Michael the power to spy on everyone’s email and their email-vitations. But who cares about that when Pam suspects something weird going on between Angela and Dwight? Ick. Of course, who does she turn to first to share her theory? Try the cute sales guy that she’s friends with. Dwight and Angela? Ick. Yuck. Blech. At least Pam and Jim are on the same page when it comes to someone else’s relationship. Too bad they’re not on the same page when it comes to their own.

Pam takes control of the scheming for today by going over on her own to try and get something out of Dwight about his possible “relationship” with Angela. Jim looks a little frustrated when she can’t accomplish her task. Jim and Pam work much better as a team.

Michael starts breaking in to people’s emails for the fun of it and realizes Jim did not send him an e-vitation to his barbecue tonight. Maybe Michael should ask the camera guy what’s going on since the camera guy seems to know all the secrets or, at least, the ones he shares with Pam. Did you see that, camera guy? Two Baby Ruths. Hey Pam, more attention to Jim, less attention to the camera guy. Well actually, I’m liking this camera guy thing.

Michael decides to use passive aggression and a Cup o’ Noodle to find out why he wasn’t cool enough to get an e-vitation. You know what Michael really misses about college? Parties. Oh ouch. The looks on Jim’s face is a look of realization that he is busted. Sooooo busted. But why would you invite your boss to partake in your drinking of imported beer and karaoke machine? Oh, and Jim’s roommate wants to meet Dwight. Jim’s roommate thinks Jim is making Dwight up. Jim assures us that Dwight is very real. On a fake TV show.

While Jim is trying to slyly dodge the boss, the camera guy is trying to slyly get Pam’s attention. Oh my God! She was right about Dwight and Angela — Dwight is eating Angela’s Baby Ruth. Pam, like the rest of the viewing audience, is squeeing for joy that we know the secret but repulsed at the same time. Dwangela? Ick. Yuck. Blech.

But while one secret is revealed, Jim is still trying to keep his party a secret from Michael, which now means he has to tell Dwight not to talk about it because it’s a surprise party for Michael! Just…without Michael. Dwight takes the bait hook, line, and sinker.

Jim tells Pam all about his stroke of genius. And oh, by the way, is Roy coming? Ya know, because Jim is just trying to figure out numbers for food and whether he’s going to cock blocked by Pam’s fiance at his own barbecue. Stuff like that.

Michael totally knows about the party but isn’t letting on. Jim totally knows about the party and thinks he knows what Michael is trying to get at but isn’t letting on. Awkward. Oh wait, everyone knows about the party but isn’t letting on. Super awkward.

Woah, what’s this? The camera crew showed up at the party? They must have been on the e-vitation list. This means we get to see where Jim lives — where he eats, where he sleeps, where he makes out with Pam…sorry, where he imagines making out with Pam. Oh, and we get to see where Jim hides his key to the front door. If Dwight can find it in the key rock, so can Pam — if she ever needs to.

Jim decides to give everyone the tour of the place starting in the room with those Christmas lights on the wall that are totally saying “I’m just out of college and not mature enough to know they are tacky interior decorations.” Nice job, Prop Guy! As the head up the stairs, the first question asked of Tour Guide Jim has nothing to do with the house — Ryan just wants the phone number for Jim’s ex-girlfriend and makes sure to ask within ear shot of the receptionist Jim lusts after. Awkward…or not?

Pam breaks off from the tour group to poke around Jim’s room, sit on Jim’s bed, and leaf through Jim’s high school yearbook. “Alright, yes, that’s not going to be awkward at all.” The sweater over shirt that sort of makes you look like you’re wearing a sailor uniform is indeed awkward, but in a cute way. Jim is lovingly look at Pam sitting on his bed when he gets uncomfortable enough about the whole thing that he has to look away from the camera.

Back downstairs, Pam hopes she’s not the only one that’s noticed what’s going on with Dwangela. Maybe she can get some confirmation from Phyllis�or not. Phyllis goes the obvious route and guesses correctly that the brighter sparks are between Pam and Jim. Too bad that’s not the answer Pam wanted. “We’re just friends.” Riiiiiight. That’s probably why, when Jim asks about Pam’s side project, she tries to nonchalantly admit that she was wrong about it.

Dwight’s male significant half shows up despite the fact that he didn’t officially receive an e-vitation. Suck. Michael is a karaoke fiend, which is a bad thing because he’s doing a duet by himself. It’s so bad that you just have to feel sorry for the guy and wish someone — anyone — would come to his rescue. Jim!!!!!!!! Jim and Michael probably weren’t the islands in the stream the song is talking about, but it makes Pam fell fuzzy and warm inside to see Jim come to their boss’s rescue, so the night ends up not being a complete loss.

The Others: Finally, two co-workers in the office are getting some lovin’ on, but it’s suspected to be Dwight and Angela. If it turns out to be true, it means Dwight has a full copy of Angela’s medical records somewhere. Oh, and he thinks there’s a lot of yeast infections in the county because it’s down the river from an old bread factory. Do with that information what you wish. Meanwhile, Michael snoops around the office e-mail system and finds out he wasn’t invited to Jim’s barbecue. After moping and dropping hints that he wanted to go, he ends up at his weekly improv class and kills everyone. Well, he doesn’t, Michael Scarn does. Ditched by office and improv, he chooses the less of the embarrassing evils and shows up uninvited to Jim’s party. Wait, why is the camera guy zooming in on random feet? Oh my God! Those are Dwangela’s shoes!!!!!

What have we learned today, kids: The obnoxious boss’s ego may bruise more easily than expected, the most unlikely romantic pairing of officemates may actually happen, and the cute sales guy may swallow his own pride to come to the aid of the least popular party guest. In other word, expect the unexpected — especially if the unexpected is wearing a dress pair of Birkenstocks.

– written by Jenny

Quotes

Pam: Hey. Something just happened. Dwight just told Angela that she has to delete all of her sensitive e-mails immediately.
Jim: What?
Pam: I know. Do you they’re like?
Jim: No.
Pam: Right, no. Ugh! Ew ew ew ew…Maybe.

Pam: It’s like squishing a spider under a book. It’s going to be really gross, but I have to look and make sure that it’s really dead. So if you guys see anything…

Pam: Hey, Dwight? My friend is kind of into these two girls that he works with.
Dwight: Nice.
Pam: One is tall and brunette and the other is short and blond and perky and kind of judgmental. Who do you think he should choose?
Dwight: Does he have access to their medical records?

Pam: Hey, Angela. How’s it going?
Angela: It’s ok.
Pam: Listen, are you bringing anyone to Jim’s party tonight?
Angela: No, are we supposed to?
Pam: No. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t think so.
[Pam starts putting money in the vending machine.] Angela: Excuse me.
Pam: Oh. [Angela buys a second candy bar while Pam looks at the camera and mouths “Two!”]

Kevin: Are you going to eat with us?
Michael: Of course. Hanging with my crew. Crew that I am one of. Hanging with my Cup o’ Noodles. This is a meal in a cup, right here. Hot, tasty. Reminds me of college. Lived on this stuff. Brain food. Mmm. You know what I really, really miss about college? The parties. Everybody would go, the athletes, the nerds, the professors.
Pam: The professors would go to the parties?
Michael: Yeah, they were the most fun. We always invited them.

Jim: It’s true. I’m having a party. I’ve got three cases of imported beer, karaoke machine, and I didn’t invite Michael. So three ingredients for a great party. And it’s nothing personal. I just think that if he were there, people wouldn’t be able to relax and, you know, have fun. And my roommate wants to meet everybody because I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m making Dwight up. He is very real.

[The camera man runs up to get Pam’s attention] Pam: What? [The camera shows Dwight eating a Baby Ruth.] Oh, yes! Thank you.

Jim: So, Dwight thinks that tonight is a surprise party for Michael.
Pam: Really? That’s great.
Jim: I know.
Pam: Maybe we can get him to hide and wait somewhere.
Jim: Oh man. Oh, you know what? Speaking of which, I was just trying to get a handle on, you know, the numbers for food and stuff. So do you think Roy’s going to come or?
Pam: Oh no, he can’t make it.
Jim: Oh ok, cool.

Michael: Hey there.
Jim: Hey.
Michael: Almost quitting time.
Jim: Yup. It’s…4:00.
Michael: One more hour to take care of anything you forgot to do. Hey, you know, I don’t know if you have any plans tonight, but if you don’t, we could hang out.
Jim: Oh, um, I can’t.
Michael: You have plans?
Jim: Yeah, I do.
Michael: Yeah, I do too, I do too.
Jim: Oh you do?
Michael: Big plans. I do, yeah.
Jim: Because you just said you wanted to hang out.
Michael: Tonight, no I can’t do it tonight. Improv class. I have improv class. Hanging out with my improv buds.
Jim: Really?
Michael: Yeah.
Jim: Oh, that sounds like a lot of fun.
Michael: Oh, it’s the best. It’s the best. I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go.
Jim: …Improv sounds great.
Michael: It is. Ok. Alright. What?
Jim: I think Stanley just coughed.

Jim: Quick announcement everybody, if I can get everybody’s attention. We do have wine in the kitchen and there is beer available on the porch and despite what you might think, it’s not all for Meredith and Kelly so please enjoy.
Dwight: Jim, you really think this is a good idea? [holds up a key and plastic rock] A hide-a-key rock?
Mark: Hey, you must be Dwight.
Dwight: You don’t work with us.
Jim: That’s because Mark’s my roommate.
Dwight: Oh.
Mark: Hey, I love the Birkenstocks.
Dwight: Thanks. Yeah, I always keep an extra set in the car for special occasions. Jim, come here. When is the guest of honor coming?
Jim: Oh. Uh, later-ish.
Dwight: He’s going to love it!
Jim: Great. I just wanted to let you guys know that we will be taking the tour like I promised.
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey! Just in time. Do you want to go on a group tour? We were just about to leave.
Pam: Definitely.
Jim: Well, the group tour is now leaving then. Ladies and gentlemen, just a few things that we’re going to be pointing out to you today. You will be able to see both bedrooms and if we’re lucky, maybe get a chance to peek into the bathroom. Who knows? I have to remind you also that flash photography is prohibited and as much as you can, please refrain from touching things. I know you might want to.
Ryan: Hey, is Katy coming?
Jim: Actually, I haven’t talked to her in a while.
Ryan: Oh. Is it cool if I call her?
Jim: We’ll talk about that later.

Pam [to camera]: Jim’s bedroom.
Jim: See, I knew we lost somebody on the tour.
Pam: This is your desk?
Jim: This is my desk.
Pam: Your home office?
Jim: Home office, this is it.
Pam: Yeah. You have to sit down so I can get the full effect.
Jim: Okay. Sure, will do.
Pam: Okay, wait. So that would make me…like right here.
[sits next to Jim’s bed] Jim: Yep, that feels about right.
Pam: And then Dwight would be like…
Jim: Um, you know what? Let’s just leave that image out of it. Because this is a happy place. Happy thoughts, Pam, happy thoughts.
Pam: Oh! Yearbook.
Jim: Yeah, you don’t have to…Alright, yes, that’s not going to be awkward at all.
Pam: Oh no!
Jim: Oh yeah.
Pam: You were so dorky!
Jim: Thank you.

Michael: Okay, this is a duet, so somebody else? Pam, you want to come up and sing this one? Need somebody else. Takers, please.
“Baby when I met you there was peace unknown”
Kelly?
“I tried to get you with a fine tooth comb, I was soft inside, there was something going on”
This is the part that goes to the girl.
[Michael starts singing in a falsetto.] “You do something to me that I can’t explain, Every beat of my heart, We’ve got something going on”
[Jim walks over next to Michael and starts to duet.] “Tender love is blind, It requires a dedication, All this love we feel needs no conversation, Divided together uh huh, Making love with each other uh huh.”
We’re making love!
“Islands in the stream, That is what we are, No one in between, How can we be wrong?, Sail away with me…”

Performance Review

Talk to me, Tivo: Everyone is on edge during performance review day, including Michael who steals the employee suggestion box in search of new ideas he can present to his boss.
Jaminess: 2 [3=Casino Night]

Jam Cam: The only talk about sex that Jim is going to be a part of today is Dwight’s talk about his new fitness orb. Yuck. Meanwhile, the only action Pam’s hearing about is through a message Jan left for Michael. That’s probably not what she expected as part of her performance review this year. Despite that, Pam still spins it to her advantage so she doesn’t have to start her performance review on a bad note.

Jim is dealing with more of Dwight’s crap — this time, Dwight is trying to convince him to push the non-existent double tabbed file folders [do those even exist in real life?] to help him screw up his performance review. At least Dwight doesn’t have to see Jim tomorrow since today is Friday and….wait what? Jim has been given manna from Heaven! “Today is Thursday, but Dwight thinks that it’s Friday aaaaaand that’s what I’ll be working on this afternoon.” Jim, maybe you should work on trying to get the receptionist to break off her engagement to Roy. Just a suggestion.

Jim and Pam have a quick pow wow in the kitchen. Pam confirms to Jim that Michael and Jan made out…maybe more [Jim: Oh! Ick!]. Jim confirms for Pam that it is indeed Thursday, but Dwight thinks it’s Friday. The look on Pam’s face makes viewers squee with delight — and Jim as well apparently. Ah, SchemingJam. Scheming sexual tension Jam.

But how can Pam have fun on “Friday” if Michael keeps bugging her to get a list of non-existent suggestions together. At least the suggestion box itself may somehow exist somewhere. Here’s a suggestion: fire Roy and have Pam kick his non-working butt out of the house so she can get together with Jim. Again, just a suggestion.

Jim seems to be having more fun at this point, calling a friend to leave a message about getting together tomorrow, which is…”Saturday.” Jim’s fist pump in thanks to Dwight is more “Thanks for the amusement,” and less “Thanks for the help, loser who listens in on my personal calls.”

Squee! SchemingJam are going after Dwight full force, who apparently has friends to get drunk with instead of watching NBC’s Thursday line-up [which none of us miss, Dwight, what a loser.]. Pam, did you see The Apprentice last night? Yeah, it was so awesome. Pam, are you coming by my house tomorrow, which is Saturday, for dinner and a movie and maybe more? Ok, so we just wish Jim said that.

Ah, the suggestion box. What are we doing about Y2K? You have bad B.O. What’s up with Michael “boning” Jan? Oh, SchemingJam glance at each other!

Pam and Jim end the day drinking Cokes and debating whether Michael and Jan actually did the deed. How do you come back from that? Jim gives Pam a heartfelt answer that makes us all think he’s really talking about him and Pam finally crossing a line they haven’t crossed yet. Pam doesn’t pick up on that. She seems to be hung up more on Michael having sex with a human being than Jim wanting to have his own office relationship with a certain someone. Ugh! This is one of those moments where you just want to knock some sense into Pam with her Coke can. Poor Jim.

At least SchemingJam had Friday to look forward to for one last adorable look and one last adorable bow before the week was over.

The Others: With performance reviews on tap for the day, Stanley will do whatever he can with his teachings from the ghetto to get a good review, Angela just likes to be judged, and Dwight comes up with a presentation that includes the fact that he’s never missed work. Meanwhile, everyone else wants to know what’s going on with Jan and Michael — seems Jam isn’t the only unrequited love in the office. Kevin heard they made out…and had sex. Whatever really happened is beside the point because the fallout includes alot of longing looks on Michael’s part, eye rolling on Jan’s, and entertainment for everyone else in the office when they decide to duke it out within ear shot of everyone inside. Poor Jan.

What have we learned today, kids: Make sure you set the right goals for the coming year as part of your annual performance review. If Jim’s performance review was based solely on his performance in convincing Dwight it’s Friday, he should get a raise and a promotion. If his review was based on getting the woman he loves to love him back, he’d get fired immediately.

– written by Jenny

Quotes

Pam: Michael and Jan definitely made out.
Jim: Oh!
Pam: Maybe more.
Jim: Ack. Oh, also it’s Thursday, but Dwight thinks it’s Friday so keep that going.
Pam: Yeah!

Pam: Hey Jim.
Jim: Hey, how’s it going?
Pam: Oh my God, did you see The Apprentice last night?
Jim: Of course, it’s on every Thursday night so how can I miss it?
Pam: Can you believe who Trump fired?
Jim: No, that was unbelievable.
Dwight: Who? Who was it? Who did he fire?
Pam: You didn’t see it?
Dwight: No. I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! I never go out on a Thursday night. What the hell was I thinking?

Jim: I don’t really want to picture it, but thank you, Pam.
Pam: How do you come back from that?
Jim: You don’t, I don’t think, come all the way back, you know? Especially working together.
Pam: No, I mean, doing that with Michael. How do you come back from that, as a human being?
Jim: Oh yeah. No, I don’t think you can.

Michael: Hey, it’s 12:20. Where the hell is Dwight?
Jim: Um, no idea.
Michael: Never missed a day my ass.
[Jim bows towards Pam and she bows back]

The Client

Talk to me, Tivo: Michael surprises his boss when he and Jan try to attract a new client.
Jaminess: 3 [3=Casino Night]

Jam Cam: You know it’s going to be a good day when Jam share a quick smirk as Pam artfully throws Michael’s dry-cleaned jeans under her desk.

Michael and Jan are trying to pick up a big client that, if successful, could save the branch from downsizing and allow Jim to work at Dunder Mifflin for years…and years…and years. Does anyone else ever get the feeling that his future looks exactly like that if Pam never leaves?

While Michael and Jan are talking about the serious details for the potential new client, the rest of the office is working hard comparing bad first dates in the kitchen. Pam thinks she wins for a minor league hockey game in which her date and his brother left her behind…and yet somehow, she is now engaged to that guy. Jim finds this revelation interesting, but he says “interesting” in a way that makes it sound like he’s filing that information away to be used for future purposes…like wooing Pam from Roy.

Pam gets a call from Michael who is in desperate need of a joke to tell at the lunch that he’s already at so Pam pulls out his joke books and starts reading them all off. The best joke of them all is what she finds when she puts the joke books away: a movie script written by none other than Michael Scott. She promptly drops the tome on Jim’s desk who compliments her on her good work on finding such a gold mine. SchemingJam has come to the rescue when the boss is away!

With script in hand, Jim organizes the Scranton Dunder Mifflinites Thespian Troupe with the office crowded in the conference room, each with their own copy of The Adventures of Michael Scarn. To show just how able Jim is to diffuse any volatile situation and make everyone happy, he figures the best way to get Dwight to along with all of this is to have him play the role of Agent Scarn. Why can’t Jim ever use any of this talent to get Pam away from Roy? Jim, focus…but not on being troupe leader. Besides, it looks like Jim’s duties are over when the whole reading gets derailed by Dwigt�I mean, Dwight. Stupid spell check.

Jim had plans he had to cancel and Pam’s hungry so he uses Michael’s absence as an excuse to make her his famous grilled cheese sandwiches to eat on the roof. Awwww! And Pam brings a candle up — for the bugs. Awwww! Then she mentions that she doesn’t remember the last time anyone made her dinner. It breaks your heart because Roy lives with her but can’t figure out how to even use a microwave, and yet you get warm and fuzzy knowing Jim was the who broke that streak. Plus, Jim’s little smirk boosts the warm and fuzzy factor.

The kids eventually give up on Michael — when is that guy going to close the deal? — and decide to head out. Jim pulls out his iPod, Pam asks for half his headphones, and Jam bond over a Travis song while either swaying or dancing in the night air.

And then Michael and Jan kiss. I know this has nothing to do with Jam, but it’s kind of a big deal.

Holy wha? Is this the next day? Woah. The Office is totally throwing us for a loop. Just like some might think Michael and Jan had their first date last night, others may think the same about Jim and Pam. Although this time it appears the “others” in question may just be Jim. There was dinner by candlelight, a fireworks display, and dancing, at least according to Jim. Pam seems to think it was swaying and not dancing. Jim is having none of that and takes a low swipe saying “At least I didn’t leave you at a hockey game.” Oh, burn! Pam gets pissy and uses her faxes as an excuse to walk away. Besides, in the end, it’s all good. It’s not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiance. Right?

The little shrug Michael and Jim share at the end pretty much explains it all.

The Others: Michael and Jan get together and form the Dunder-Mifflin Super Sales Team to get the paper contract for the entire county. Michael screws up everything at the lunch with stupid jokes, an Awesome Blossom — extra awesome, a bad rendition of Chili’s baby back ribs theme song, and a delving into his boss’s divorce. Despite all that, when the chips are down, he somehow puts on the charm and seals the deal, then adds a kiss with Jan for dessert. Woah, what? In the meantime, the rest of the office seems content to be entertained by Agent Michael Scarn and rumors that Jan left her car in the parking lot overnight and she got it on with Michael.

What have we learned today, kids: Sometimes it’s better to just keep your mouth shut instead of telling the truth. For example, stating the obvious about an entertaining night looking like a date when the person you had the date with is in denial about the whole situation. Ditto for kissing and telling.

– written by Jenny

Quotes

Oscar: She had done a background check on me, she had it printed out…
Jim: No?
Oscar: Yea, and she was asking me about stuff line by line while we were having dinner.
Ryan: That is unbelievable.
Pam: What’s going on?
Jim: We are doing worst first dates.
Pam: Oh my God, I win. Ok, it was a minor league hockey game, he brought his brother, and when I went to the bathroom, the game ended and they forgot about me.
Oscar: Ok, that’s a joke.
Pam: No, they had to come back for me.
Jim: Wait, when was this?
Pam: It was not that long ago.
Kelly: Wait, not Roy? Say it’s not your fiance.

Jim: I always knew Pam has refused to go to sports games with Roy, but I never knew why…interesting.

Jim: Is this real?
Pam: It is a screenplay — starring himself.
Jim: Agent Michael Scarn.
Pam: Of the FBI.
Jim: How long is this? Oh Pam, good work. Oh wait, stop. Drawings.
Pam: What is that?
Jim: Oh those are drawings in case the writing didn’t really put a picture in your head. And there he is, in the flesh, Agent Michael Scarn. Now we know what he looks like.

Jim: Do we all have our copy of “Threat Level Midnight” by Michael Scott?
Everybody: Yeah.
Jim: Alright, let’s get this started. I’m going to be reading the action descriptions and Phyllis, I would like you to play Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Phyllis: That’s the character’s name?
Jim: Oh yea.
Dwight: You guys should not be doing this.
Jim: Why not, Dwight? This is a movie. I mean, this is for all of America to enjoy.
Dwight: You took something that doesn’t belong to you. brought it in here, made copies of it.
Jim: Do you want to play the lead role of Agent Michael Scarn?

Pam: Michael’s sidekick, who all through the movie is this complete idiot who’s causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight, but then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace. But that doesn’t work on misspelled words, leaving behind one “Dwigt.” And Dwight figured it out. Oops.

Dwight: Ok, you know what? I am done with this. That’s it, the end.
Jim: Well, some of us want to keep reading, so…
Dwight: Uh, you don’t speak for everyone, Jim. Ok, announcement. My uncle bought me some fireworks and anyone who wants to see a real show can come with me outside now.
Jim: That’s actually a good idea, we’ll all take a brief intermission. [turns to Pam] Hey, are you hungry?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Yeah?

Jim: I had plans to meet a friend tonight, which I had to cancel, but this is cool too. I’m not a complainer.

Jim: Wow.
Pam: For the bugs.
Jim: Nice. That’s excellent because bugs love�my famous grilled cheese sandwich.
Pam: Yes! Nice. I can’t remember the last time someone made me dinner.

Jim: So, I guess I’ll see you in�10 hours.
Pam: What are you going to do with your time off?
Jim: Travel. I’ve been looking forward to it. It’s going to be really nice. I’m going to find myself.
Pam: You have new music?
Jim: Yea. Definitely.
[Jim gives her a earbud to listen to Travis’s “Sing.”]

Jim: Jan didn’t come back for her car last night.
Pam: What?
Jim: Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn has finally found his Catherine Zeta?
Pam: Oh, I don’t know. [phone rings] Oh my God. This is Jan’s cell!
Jim: No way.
Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. [she transfers the call and hangs up] Jim: Some might even say we had our first date last night.
Pam: Oh really?
Jim: Really.
Pam: Why might some say that?
Jim: Because there was dinner — by candlelight.
Pam: Uh huh.
Jim: Dinner and a show, if you include Michael’s movie, and there was dancing and fireworks. Pretty good date.
Pam: We didn’t dance.
Jim: You’re right, we didn’t dance. It was more like swaying, but still romantic.
Pam: Swaying isn’t dancing.
Jim: At least I didn’t leave you at a high school hockey game.
Pam: I have some faxes to get out.
Jim: Oh, come on. Pam, I’m…

Jim: Ok, we didn’t dance and I was totally joking anyway. I mean, it’s not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiance. Right?

The Fight

Talk to me, Tivo: Dwight karate chops Michael and Jim arranges for the two of them to settle their differences at Dwight’s dojo.
Jaminess: 2 [3=Casino Night]

Jam Cam: Jim has way too much time on his hands if he can move Dwight’s desk into the men’s bathroom. Warmer, warmer, bingo! And the phone still works as evidenced by Jim’s call to Dwight’s desk as viewers hear a toilet flush. That is pretty cool.

With Dwight’s desk back in place, it’s much easier for Jim to overhear conversions like the one Dwight is having with his sensei at his dojo. It seems Dwight is now Assistant [to the] Sensei at his local karate dojo, which Jim seems to be have quite a bit of fun with.

Too bad Pam can’t use some karate moves to make Michael sign all his purchase orders and time cards by the deadline — it’s probably not going to happen. She’s getting a little pissed off by all this to the point where Michael accuses her of Pam-M-S-ing. He must have come with that all on his own.

Back at the pretty receptionist’s desk, Jim’s just hanging out while Pam is holding his hand under the guise that she’s reading his palm. According to her palm reading skills, his palm says he sucks. At least he has pretty teeth! Jim’s fishing for compliments skills are pretty impressive if Pam goes along with it so easily…or she’s just flirting back.

Jim seems to be feeling giddy after his time with Pam and tempts his fate by mocking Dwight. He may not want to do that because Dwight is not afraid of making an example out of people in the office. Is that a threat? It’s ok, Jim has collateral like, for example, Dwight’s purple belt.

Despite Jim’s sly purple belt steal, Dwight seems to be sticking to this “beating up everyone” philosophy but will stop with Michael since he’s…well…Michael. Besides, Michael likes to talk up all the fights he’s been in. “When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way,” responds Jim. Wow. Jim just responded with a quote from West Side Story. Nice. But between that and his manicure, Jim is queer….eye for the straight guy.

Dwight has to be stopped and Jim has just the right plan. Of course, just the right plan involves Pam as well. After promising her a bag of French onion chips, Pam heads over to Michael’s office to ask if it’s ok for Dwight to stay late and walk her to the car. Michael doesn’t think Dwight can help her in that situation, making it seem like Dwight also bruised the boss’s ego.

Let’s head to the kitchen to find Dwight with Jim the Jet snapping his fingers. Nice. When Michael and Dwight argue about who’s tougher, Jim suggests taking the fight to the dojo at lunch. Fight, fight, fight, fight!

After arriving at their field trip location, the palm of Pam’s hand seems to have transformed into a dojo pad, which Jim flirtingly tries to interpret to no avail. Look closer, says Pam, only to get Jim with a little pat to the chin. Bad idea, Pam, it is ON! Jim gets a head pat in, Pam throws a shoulder, Jim counters with a grab around the waist. Pam is down for the count, her height’s a major disadvantage this time as Jim picks her off the ground, her shirt riding up a little bit. Meredith sees the two of them in the back and it all doesn’t seem so much fun to Pam anymore. She freaks a bit because someone noticed her blatantly flirting and things get really awkward between our dynamic duo all of a sudden.

Back at the office, Jim thinks he may be able to patch things up with Pam by sending her an email…as the camera crew looks over his shoulder. Seriously, can’t the boy just write an email in peace with his somewhat slow typing skills?

But at the end of the day, Jim is the gentleman who fulfill his promises. If he promised Pam a bag of chips for asking Michael a question, he’ll pay out no matter how much tension there is between him and the receptionist. He coolly tells Pam to have a good weekend and places the chips on her desk. She coolly responds and once he’s out the door, gently grabs the bag and pulls it towards her.

The Others: Dwight is a fighting machine who somehow didn’t get the memo that there can only be one alpha male fighting machine in the office. That would be Michael and he’s not too happy about people thinking he’s a wuss so it’s off to the dojo at lunch where the boss beats the crap out of his sempai. Too bad Ryan the Temp can’t do the same thing. The poor guy gets stuck collecting everyone’s emergency contact info and crazy voice mails from Michael in the same day.

What have we learned today, kids: If your actions with a member of the opposite sex are fun until someone else sees you doing them, it’s probably a sign. The guilt you feel and the awkwardness created comes from the fact that you were flirting with someone you like who you’re not supposed to flirt with because you’re engaged to someone else.

– written by Jenny

Quotes

Dwight: Sensei? Hello, it’s sempai…Dwight.
Jim [to customer]: You know what, let me give you a call right back. I’m going to find it and then I’ll call you back. Thanks.
Dwight: Yes, I just had a ques…Yes, sensei. Arigato goazai mashta. Hai.
Jim [to Dwight]: Was that you mom?
Dwight: No, that was my sensei.
Jim: Oh, thought it was your mom.
Dwight: I am now sempai, which is assistant sensei.
Jim: Assistant to the sensei, that’s pretty cool.
Dwight: Assistant sensei.
Jim: Ok.

Pam: Michael tends to procrastinate…a bit…whenever he has to do work. Time cards…he has to sign these every Friday, purchase orders have to be approved at the end of every month, and expense reports…all he has to do is initial these at the end of every quarter, but once a year, it all falls on the same Friday and that’s today. I call it the perfect storm.

Pam [looking at Jim’s palm]: Your major and minor lines cross at a ridge. That sucks.
Jim: You’re making this up as you go along, aren’t you?
Pam: I am just following the Web site.
Jim: Well, at least I don’t have cavities.
Pam: Yes, you have very nice teeth.
Jim: Thanks.

Jim: Ok, he has to be stopped. Please, please, please, please, just ask Michael.
Pam: I don’t know.
Jim: Ok, I’ll buy you a bag of chips.
Pam: French onion?
Jim: Obviously.
Pam: Ok.
Jim: Yes.

Michael: Go away.
Pam: I just have a quick question.
Michael: I haven’t signed them, ok?
Pam: No, it’s not that. Um…I was just wondering, since I’m probably going to have to stay late, could you ask Dwight to stay late too so he can walk me to my car?
Jim [quietly]: Nice.
Michael: Come in. Pam, I hate to break this to you, but Dwight can’t stop you from being mugged. He’s just not tough enough.
Pam: He’s a purple belt. That’s really high.
Michael: Oh, I could beat up Dwight. That’s ridiculous. I can murder him.
Pam: It’s just that out there, you…
Michael: Oh, is that what they’re saying?
Pam: Yeah, kind of.
Michael: Ok, alright. Where’s Dwight?
Jim: Kitchen.
Michael: Ok.

Jim: Well, we’re all getting excited to see this fight. The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so that we can all go down to the dojo to watch him fight Dwight. Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, I’m coming, fight.

Jim: Wow, that is really interesting.
Pam: What?
Jim: Your love line — I’m just kidding, I can’t see anything.
Pam: Look closer.
[Jim leans over and Pam taps him with the dojo pad.] Jim: Ok.
Pam: One point for me.
[Jim taps her on the head] Jim: Tied up.
Pam: Oh, you’re dead.
Jim: What? What are you going to do? Bring it, Beesly! Bring it! [Pam hits him] Oh, yeah. Good move. [Jim puts his arms around Pam] Oh, not such an ultimate fighter now, huh? [Jim picks Pam up] Pam: [laughing] Oh, hey, put me down. Put me down! [Meredith looks over and Pam stops laughing] Oh my God. Hey, put me down! [Jim puts Pam down and she’s annoyed] Hey.

Jim’s email on his computer screen: PAM — Hey, if that was weird today, I just wanted [Jim notices the camera and deletes the email]

Kevin: Later, Jim.
Jim: Later, Kev.
Jim [to Pam]: Have a good weekend. [drops Pam’s chips on her desk] Pam: Yeah, you too. [Pam sees the chips, smiles, and gently grabs them]

Halloween

Talk to me, Tivo: Michael must fire someone, which puts a damper on the Halloween festivities.
Jaminess: 2 [3=Casino Night]

Jam Cam: Me-ow! It’s Halloween at our favorite paper factory and Pam is looking cute in her little cat ears and her hair in a headband instead of pulled back. Jim has dressed up as Three-Hole Punch Jim. Couldn’t the writers come up with something cuter like dressing Jim as a puppy or something? Maybe next time.

Pam questions Michael’s management skills, this time wondering why he kept pushing off a layoff until Halloween. “Because it’s very scary stuff.” So who would Pam fire? It doesn’t matter as long as she kisses the boss’s ass about his stupid paper mache head long enough to save her from the ax — or Dwight’s lightsaber.

Dwight seems to be trying to have some receptionist fun hanging out with Jim at Pam’s desk. Jim is the recipient of a lame “three-hole PUNCH” joke complete with a fake fist from Dwight. Dwight should know better by now that SchemingJam will always give out pay back. This time, our dynamic duo figures they could get rid of Dwight once and for all by posting his resume online. Their two brains work better than one bouncing ideas off of each other on how to spin Dwight’s “talents” into talents. Oh, giggling Jam, how we love thee!

Too bad Pam can’t use her conniving ways on making Angela less anal about her brownies, which are obviously not chips and dip. Pam thinks Angela is the lady in the neighborhood who gives out toothbrushes. [Note: I frankly liked getting the Halloween-themed toothbrushes from the dentist down the street when I was seven. Just sayin’.]

SchemingJam get their first reference call for Michael Scott [a.k.a Jim] in regards to Dwight, the single greatest employee of his generation. Ok. Ok ok, ok k k k k. Ok. You know the plan is going good when “Michael” hangs up and gets an air high five from the cute cat answering the phones. As if she couldn’t get cuter enough, the look she and Jim exchange as they overhear Dwight explaining the importance of martial art training is just priceless.

But there seems to be some stormy water up ahead concerning the Cumberland Mills job Dwight’s “going after” in Maryland. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you should go for that job,” Pam says. Um, it’s in an office where you aren’t, Jim laments. Jim starts to look bitter. Wait, wait, don’t make Jim become bitter! No, SchemingJam was so cute! Don’t stop with the SchemingJam! Argh! This Halloween episode is starting to get scary for alot of us, Jim included.

Jim goes off to talk about what he believes is going on in Michael’s head only to have Michael interrupt Jim’s talking head. Michael takes the paper mache Halloween head off and closes the blinds. This can’t be good. What are you doing? You can’t fire Jim! Oh good, Michael’s not firing Jim. He just needs to make Jim pretend to fire someone. Apparently, Michael is the employee from Hell who is going to jump off of a bridge or something and Jim is much better at playing manager than his boss is.

Wow. That whole thing freaked Pam out so much she felt the need to grab Jim’s hand in the hope he would tell her that he wasn’t the one on the chopping block. Too bad Jim’s still pissed off about her earlier comment about his job to appreciate the fact that Pam is holding his hand. Pay attention to the important stuff!

It’s ok. All will be fine with a simple apology from Pam — or a more complex apology from Pam involving the threat of shooting herself in the head if he left. We’ll take that, too. “All it means is that we’re friends. And who else is she going to talk to if I’m gone?” Hmm…I can’t actually think of anyone else so now you have to stay forever, Jim.

The Others: Michael has to fire someone — now — which makes the day even more scarier than the freaky paper mache head on his shoulder. After trying to fire Stanley via Dwight and practicing how to fire someone with Jim, he finally sets his sights on Creed. Being the blood-sucking fiend that he is in his vampire costume, Creed talks Michael into passing the pink slip to Devon. Meanwhile, SchemingJam get Dwight all hyped up on the idea that someone else wants a Sith Lord to sell their paper products until Dwight realizes his kung fu skills would not be appreciated in a new office. [By the way, nice job to whoever was responsible for buying the proper colored lightsaber for Dwight’s Sith Lord costume. You are a gentleman and scholar. Or you’re a woman. And I’m a lame Star Wars nerd for noticing.]

What have we learned today, kids: If you want to get downsized, dress up as a hobo for Halloween; if you want a good costume, three pieces of circular paper are lame compared to a $129 lightsaber; and if you want to be a great paper salesman, get some kung fu skills.

– written by Jenny

Quotes

Pam: [quietly] Ok, greatest strength. A dog-like obedience to authority?
Jim: Nice.
Pam: But that doesn’t sound good.
Jim: Ok, ok. How about the ultimate team player?

Jim: Dwight is special. But, I don’t believe his talents are being used in this office. So Pam and I have put his resume on Monster.com, Google, Craig’s List. We’re really interested most in jobs that take Dwight out of state. Preferably Alaska…or India.

Pam: He’s a gun nut.
Jim: Sticks to his guns.

Pam: Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. Uh, yeah. [snaps her fingers to get Jim’s attention] Just one second. I will transfer you to our manager, Michael Scott.
Jim: Michael Scott here. Yes, I am regional manager of this orifice. Dwight Schrute is amazing. Yeah. No, he is actually the single greatest employee of his generation. You know what? I’m gonna tell you what. You hire Dwight K. Schrute, and he does not meet, nay, exceed every one of your wildest expectations, well then, you can hold me, Michael Gary Scott, personally and financially responsible. Ok. Ok ok, ok k k k k. Ok.

Pam: Jim is really talented and he should be the one who’s getting a better job offer. Like, for real.

Pam: Don’t take this the wrong way, but you should go for that job.
Jim: Um, it’s in Maryland.
Pam: Yeah, but I mean, look at the salary and it’s definitely a step up and a challenge.
Jim: Yeah. Yeah, you know what? Maybe…maybe I will.
Pam: Jim.

Pam: What happened?
Jim: It wasn’t me.
Pam: Oh. That was like crazy because I was…
Jim: Yeah, I know.

Pam: Oh hey, Jim. Wait, stop. Um, I’m sorry for pushing you towards Cumberland. Seriously, if you left here, I would blow my brains out.
Jim: Come on.

Jim: That’s just a figure of speech, you know? Blow your brains out? Come on. All it really means is that we’re friends. I mean, who else is she gonna talk to if I’m gone, right? I mean, if she left, I wouldn’t blow my brains out. Of course, I would take that job in Maryland because it’s double the pay and soft shell crab just happens to be my favorite food.