~1~

Synapse to synapse; the possibility's thin.

I'm dressed up for free drinks and family greetings on your wedding date.

The figures in plastic on yourwedding cake that I took were so real.

He imagines himself there at the wedding, sick to his stomach from a jealous acidic burn.  His revenge is plucking the happy couple off the cake.  He wishes he could replace the grinning groom with himself… 

Crashing through the parlor doors, what was your first reaction?

Screaming, drunk, disorderly: I'll tell you mine.

You were the one but I can't spit it out when the date's been set.

The white routine to be ingested inaccurately. 

He could get drunk and try once again to say the words he wants…but choking them back down his throat is much easier.  There is no pain that way, only silent submission to what will happen.  The phone ringing brings him back to reality.

~

Later on he would not even have to pretend a wedding occurred.  The happily ever after never happened.  He had never been filled with so much relief…and joy.

~2~

'Cause I wonder sometimes

About the outcome

Of a still verdictless life  

Am I living it right? Am I living it right? Am I living it right?  

A fresh new start is all she needs.  That is her plan, start clean, then let the rest fade away like old photos left in the sun.  They become faint and less penetrating.  Hopefully this will work, hope…it’s all she needs.

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with wood in places

To make it feel like home

But all I feel is alone  

It might be a quarter life crisis

Or just the stirring in my soul, who knows

Either way I wonder sometimes About the outcome of a still verdictless life 

Her new apartment does not have three kitchens to his dismay, and she laughs at that quietly; the noise echoing off the empty furniture and rooms.  Starting over is harder than it looks.  But she just reminds herself that eventually everything will fade.

~3~

The Atlantic was born today, and I'll tell you how

The clouds above opened up and let it out

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere when the water filled every hole

And thousands upon thousands made an ocean making islands where no islands should go (oh no...) 

Getting back into the swing of things was the hardest part.Change is always for the better right?  That’s what he wants to believe with a new girl, a new job, a new start.But there is one thing that won’t let him start completely fresh.  That thing in the back of your mind that won’t go away no matter how many times you hit your head on the desk in frustration.   

I need you so much closer...

So come on; come on... 

He sits even closer to her now, even if she can only see his back. But that’s okay because all that matters is that the space between them has closed a little.  Maybe things will get better.  But of course there is the problem of that other girl.  She doesn’t hate the girl but deep down inside her jealousy is stirring her stomach around.  She’s on a merry-go-round and can’t seem to get off…

~4~

This is the moment that you know,

That you told her that you loved her, but you don't.

You touch her skin and then you think,

That she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me.

Yeah, she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me.  

There is something in the back of his mind.  He can’t seem to put it into words.  The syllables won’t form on his tongue…it’s as if he has too much peanut butter on the roof of his mouth.  Now is when he knows that something is changing…he has to tell her that he can't do it anymore, but he's afraid of how she will respond.  Endings are never happy. 

I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking,

As we moved together in the dark.

And all the friends that I was telling,

All the playful misspellings,

And every bite I gave that left a mark.

Then tiny vessels oozed into your neck and formed the bruises,

That you said you didn't want to fade.

But they did and so did I that day.  

He knows what the thing in the back of his mind is.  Now he has to choose to let go or move forward.  No option will end in happiness.  Too bad working at a paper company didn’t teach him any life lessons.  He could use some help… 

All I see are dark gray clouds in the distance moving closer with every hour.

So when you'd ask, "Is something wrong?"

I'd think, "You're damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now.

No we can't talk about it now."  

Talking is overrated.  After five nights of sounds bouncing off walls and damp pillows he doesn’t know if he can take it.  But she promises things will get better.  So he will stick it out, vanquish memories and hope like hell that the days will become shorter.

~5~

I just poured my heart outthere's bits of it on the floor

And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water

And call him up for more

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely

And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me

And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too 

Talking to him was like talking to a ghost, her words went straight through him.  And the whole time she was looking into his eyes and all she could see was her.  But she loves him, she really does and so she ignores it.  It seems that ignoring the truth is easier than accepting the changes. 

He said I'm sorry so sorry

I'm sorry

I am sorry 

He’s willing to give it another shot, that’s all that matters.  Maybe hope will get them through this together. 

~6~

I was just thinking that I have been missing you for way too long

There's something inside this weary head that wants us to love just instead

But I was just thinking, merrily thinking

I've got loads of pictures

I've got the one of you in that dancing dress

But man I feel silly in that dim light

Going through the photo book inside your head is not the best idea when you are trying to forget the memories.  But he doesn’t seem to care anymore.  Remembering the past seems to make the bad disappear, and make life a little bit easier, just a bit though. 

I'm tired of calling you, missing you, dreaming I've slept with you

Don't get me wrong I still desperately love you  

Sitting in her chair reading the back of his neck is only sustainable for short periods of time.  She can only run her imagination around in a loop for a certain time and then she wants the real thing.  She wants to talk and laugh and smile…she hasn’t smiled for ages.  She wants to joke around and dance and most of all she just wants him. 

~7~

A warning sign

I missed the good part and I realized

I started looking and the bubble burst

I started looking for excuses 

He knew that pretending can only last so long and that kids are only good at it.  You have to be innocent to pretend things anymore.  He was stupid to even think he could last for a period of time.  He knew it was over with her, probably since the day it had begun, but he held on, just in case of an emergency. 

Come on in, I’ve got to tell you what a state I’m in

I’ve got to tell you in my loudest tones

That I started looking for a warning sign 

She’s now screaming silently at her desk.  She’s trapped behind it wanting to escape…wanting to tell him.  The idea of actually saying it out loud is becoming placid as the minutes tick by.  She wants so much for him to turn around…but the back of his neck will have to please her for right now. 

When the truth is

I miss youYeah the truth is

That I miss you so

And I’m tired

I should not have let you go 

She asked him if she could see him tonight.  It came out in one rushing sound of air.  But he understood.  He always understood her.  He nodded, smiled, and turned back towards his desk.  She could almost sense him sighing as he sat down.  Maybe something has changed she thinks.  Maybe tonight will be the end of this… 

So I crawl back into your open arms

Yes I crawl back into your open arms 

He agreed.  He wearily nodded, tired from his own thinking.  Tonight things would change.  She’s the one that came forward this time.  It’s a new beginning to the same old story. 

~8~

One hand on the trigger of the telephone

Wondering when the call comes

You say it's all right

You got your heart right 

She’s wishing time would move a little faster.  Her heart sure is.  It’s beating as if she just ran a marathon.  She tells herself she practically did by asking him.  Now debating whether to call him and just talk or maybe even pull a prank pops into her head.  But she thinks it over and knows she can’t speak.  She might blurt it out now and that isn’t her plan.  She’s pretty sure might die before the evening is over and done with.   

All you need is love, is a lie cause

We had love but we still said goodbye

Now we're tired, battered fighters 

And it stings when it's nobody's fault

Cause there's nothin' to blame at the drop of your name

It's only the air you took and the breath you left 

He’s still walking down memory lane afraid of what will happen tonight.  I just needed you to know, once.  He can’t really breathe now sitting in his chair, he’s thinking he may have to find a paper bag and start taking really slow breaths.  It can’t be that hard to find a paper bag in a paper company building, can it?  Apparently things are always harder then they seem…

~9~

Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and

Wait on your porch 'til you come back home

Oh, rightI can't find a flight

So I'll check the weather wherever you are

Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight

It might be my only right 

This is ridiculous he thinks. It’s twenty degrees outside.  Her lights are all out.  Maybe she forgot?  No she wouldn’t, would she?  This is stupid, he could wait in his car but somehow the cold seems to take away his nerves; or better yet he just can’t feel anything anymore.  There is no noise, no light, no one for any matter around, this is the definition of loneliness he decides. 

I called

BecauseI just

Need to feel you on the line

Don't hang up this time

And I know it was me who called it over but

I still wish you'd fought me 'til your dying day

Don't let me get away 

She froze.  Literally.  She was on her way back from the store.  Key in ignition and foot on the pedal.  But her hand could not bring herself to put the car in drive.  Now she’s crying, more like sobbing, in her car.  No one is in the parking lot, the light outside flickers from the cold.  She is alone and late.  Oh he must be waiting she thinks.  Still she can’t move, she is frozen in fear, in loneliness, in time, and in love.

~10~

Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me

So I can say that this is the way that I used to be

There's no substitute for time

Or for the sadness 

His back is toward her again.  He doesn’t move really at all in his chair, she swears he might be dead.  The day is way too long she thinks.  She just can’t bring herself to talk.  She really doesn’t deserve him now for leaving him waiting.  But she still wants him.  She doesn’t know what happened last night and she doesn’t have an excuse for him.  Only empty apologies can fill her thoughts, and she knows none of them will do.  This is her second offense.   

We share the sadness

The split screen sadness

We share the sadness

Split screen sadness 

He doesn’t know how to react now.  He became numb last night to the pain.  He can’t feel, he can’t even tell her how angry he is that she stood him up.  But somehow inexplicably he still wants her.  He hates her…he loves her, end of story. 

~11~

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry

You don't know how lovely you are.

I had to find you, tell you I need you,

Tell you I set you apart. 

She will tell him.

She does tell him.

She walks up to him.

She tells him she needs to see him in the break room. 

And he follows, lagging behind, obliging to the sound of her voice. 

Nobody said it was easy,

It's such a shame for us to part.

Nobody said it was easy,

No one ever said it would be this hard. 

This is the hardest fifty paces of his life.  He doesn’t know what will come out of her mouth and he doesn’t know if he wants to hear it.  But he follows for all those times they laughed together, smiled together, talked together, did everything together.  Fear has left him.  Hope has entered. 

And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

Oh and I rush to the start.

Runnin' in circles, Chasin' up Tails

Comin' back as we are 

She speaks.  She opens her mouth and nothing comes out.  So she tries again and finally like it was meant to be she says it.

.  I love you  . 

And now she waits, holds her breath and prays for those four little words. 

Nobody said it was easy,

Oh it's such a shame for us to part.

Nobody said it was easy,

No one ever said it would be so hard. 

I'm goin' back to the start. 

He freezes again.  But this time it’s okay to be cold and non-responsive.  It’s okay to make her wait and take the silence in.  Silence has kept him company and he assumes she is used to it by now too.  He counts to three, because that’s how long it took her to say those words, the ones he was waiting for. 

.  I love you too  .