Today is her 40th birthday.

She thinks it would be easier to get old if she actually felt old.

She doesn’t.

Feel old that is.  Maybe it would be easier to feel that way if she had a significant other who she could measure her age against, someone who she could chart the years with by his receding hairline and incrementally enlarging waist size.

But she doesn’t.

Maybe she feels young because she’s single again, for the first time in a very long time and it reminds her of her difficult, lovelorn 20s and of her carefree teenage years.

Maybe she feels young because she teaches young adults all day at Scranton University. One of the other Professors in the department once remarked that his students were his fountains of youth; they constantly infused him with their enthusiasm and their vitality. And although she wanted to smack some of her students occasionally, on most days, Pam couldn’t agree more.

Maybe she feels so young because she has two young children and being a single mom is sometimes more like being a really cool older sister. Since she doesn’t have an adult partner in crime all her meals are kid friendly and she hasn’t watched (or had) sex in any form in a long time.

Maybe she feels young because 40 is young.  And everyone else is just crazy.

She still thinks her Mom looks young and acts young as is young, and she’s going on 65. 

Maybe age is just a number; but going around saying that today sounds too much like denial.

Luckily she doesn’t have to celebrate tonight. Her friends wanted to go out, chief amongst them Kelly, who Pam is frankly amazed she’s still friends with all these years later, but Kelly is mostly so gung-ho because she’s far enough away from 40 that the number hasn’t started to loom over her with it’s heightened significance.

Pam doesn’t have to celebrate tonight because tonight is Open House at her children’s school; she thinks it’s oddly fitting to be doing something so adult in a setting so childlike on her birthday.

But truly, Pam couldn’t care less it’s her birthday this year. Her Mom and Dad sent her roses this morning and her kids made her breakfast in bed and cleaned up before going to school.  And as touched as she is at these gestures, she’s just happy that her kids seem to be doing better this year than last.

Last Open House she had had serious Parent-Teacher conferences on Annie’s depression and on Josh’s behavior. Those meetings had led to kid support groups and summer camps on dealing with divorce. Now, a year later, they’re the poster children for resilience and Pam couldn’t be prouder.

Not to mention that on last year’s Open House she had practically bawled when she realized that this would be the first year that she would be going alone, that for the rest of these kids lives- she would be it.

It was more pressure and responsibility than she thought she could handle, but she’d made it and they were doing great. In Pam’s eyes this is a more significant accomplishment than managing to stay alive for four decades.

“Mom, Mom! Come here, I want to show you my poster, it’s on the Outstanding Board.” Pam smiles as she feels her son tug her hand towards the back of the classroom, his enthusiasm is adorable and it is in these moments that she wonders how it is possible that two such withdrawing people had given birth to such an outgoing boy.

“This one is mine, and that one’s Kate’s, and this one is Alex’s.”

“Isn’t Alex the new boy in your class?” she asks.

He shakes his head vigorously, “He’s so cool Mom and he’s having a birthday party next week at his Grandma’s house and he wants me to come and I forgot to ask but I can go right?” The information usually spews out at her from her son’s mouth at lighting speed so Pam is used to deciphering his almost frantic speech.

“Have his Mother call me,” it is her stock phrase and it hasn’t failed her yet.

“He doesn’t have one, I mean he does but she lives in Paris or something and he lives with his Dad and his sister on the same street as his Grandma and his Dad is really cool too, he came with our class on our last field trip and when the bus broke down we had the 4th grade Olympics and he taught us this game called Flonkerton but he said we couldn’t play right because…”

“Joshie, what did you say?” Pam asks as she grips her son’s arm tightly.

“Ow Mom, you’re squeezing really hard.”

Pam is immediately contrite and drops down and places a kiss on his forearm, which for an eight year old boy is infinitely worse, “Mom, get up…you promised no kissy stuff in school,”

“Right, sorry,” she says sheepishly, “Now Flonkerton?”

“It’s this game where you tie boxes of paper to your feet and have a race but since we didn’t have boxes of paper we used some bricks that were laying around and Mr. Halpert said that was fine because desperate times call for desperate measures or something like that and he was really funny and…”

“Mr. Halpert?” she asks and she’s pretty sure her voice cracks.

“Yeah, Oh Mom, Alex is here,” and with that he’s off like a pistol shot.

Somehow the Mom in her manages to kick in a little because she still calls after him not to run at school and she’s going to say more too except that the words die on her lips. Because taking up the doorway is the still adorably lanky frame of a man she thought she’d never see again.

When she catches his eye across the room she feels like she’s in a cheesy Hallmark movie because it really does feel like time stops and everyone else is just swirling around the two of them. He looks just as shocked as she feels and the hand that was buried in his pocket is now rubbing the back of his neck.

He isn’t wearing a wedding ring.

Single women in their 40s have 20/15 vision when it comes to spotting rings on hot guys their age.

And man is he still hot.

He’s filled out a little more since the last time she saw him, but he’s still lanky and just a little too thin. His hair is parted respectably and there is gray at both temples. He’s got a five o’clock shadow today and somehow that’s incredibly hot too.

And she doesn’t know why but the fact that he’s still so attractive makes seeing him again so much harder.  Maybe with a pot belly and a toupee he wouldn’t look like he stepped off the front cover of a magazine called ‘Pam’s Regrets.’

Finally the spell is broken by an adorable little girl tugging on his hand and then he’s walking towards her and she’s not even sure she can breathe let alone talk to him.

“Hey,”

“Hi,” Before she realizes it his arms have enfolded her; it should be awkward hugging the dad of one of her kid’s friend’s Dads in the middle of her kids 4th grade classroom. But it’s not because he’s Jim and she’s been in love with him for years and she somehow knew this day would come again.

Except she expected to look gorgeous and it to be in a somewhat more romantic setting.

Like a gallery opening or a park or Paris or even the grocery store- hell even jail.

Instead her fingers are still blue with chalk stains from the art project she was helping her daughter with and there is a stain over her left knee where Josh spilled some apple juice on her skirt earlier. She knows her hair is falling out of the messy bun she piled it into before starting on the art project and…for God’s sake they’re standing in a reading corner filled with knee high furniture and stuffed animals.

But she lets herself really enjoy this hug for once and she curls her fingers into her palms to avoid staining his suit with blue chalk and she finally squeezes back. She’s pretty sure she hears him sigh into her hair.

The spell is broken by the little cherub she can only imagine is his daughter tugging his hand towards the stuffed animals and soon he is crouching low to the ground to inspect them with her, he manages to grin up at Pam and she can’t help but be disconcerted by the fact that Jim is someone’s Dad.

Ok, so now she feels Old.

When his daughter has finally settled into the nook, flipping pages that are obviously too advanced for her to read, he finally turns back towards Pam.

“So what are the odds huh?”

“I would say it feels like ten bazillion to one, but then again we’re the same age and we both used to live in this town, so I guess it isn’t so unlikely that our kids go to the same school,” she’s smiling so widely that she thinks her face might crack.

“Yeah, but you left and I seriously thought I was never going to see you again.”

“Well, I came back a few years later, started working at SCC, met a guy, got married, and had two kids. I got a job teaching at Scranton U and last year my husband and I got divorced so here I am,” she laughs at the end, “Who says you can’t sum up your life in two sentences?”

He laughs to but she can tell it’s a nervous one.

“So what brings you back here to our little town?” she asks the question even though she can guess the answer given the fact that ‘Alex’s mom lives in Paris or something.’

He motions her over a little bit away from the reading corner and she leans against a half bookshelf. She glances over and notices that Annie has joined her little brother and Alex and they look like they’re all animatedly discussing the new J.K. Rowling series.

“Karen and I…well Karen left me last spring for her boss, they live in Paris now. And since I didn’t have the first idea what to do with a four-year-old girl we moved back to Scranton to be closer to my parents.”

“I’m really sorry,” she says and she takes his hand and squeezes briefly, “If it’s any consolation, my husband left me for his secretary…I think he has a receptionist fetish,” she whispers the last part to get a laugh out of him.

“Why would your unhappiness make me happy?” he asks genuinely confused.

“It wouldn’t I guess, I’ll take stupid jokes for four hundred Alex,” she says with an embarrassed grin.

“Ooh I’m sorry, you’ll have to phrase that in the form of a question,” he quips back quickly; she can’t help but smile at the way his eyes light up a little at their banter.

“I guess the correct answer would be misery loves company?”

“Yeah…and we thought we were the normal ones in the office,” she’s glad to see he’s smiling still instead of the grimace disguised as a grin he wore when she first saw him, “The worst part is that Michael and Dwight are in healthy, well-adjusted marriages.”

“I can top that, Kelly- happily married for 8 years to a man who adores her,” she pauses for a moment, “Wait, how do you know what Michael and Dwight are up to? I thought you moved to Corporate with Karen?”

“I did, but when I moved back I became the new Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Western Pennsylvania.”

“Oh, you so have so much to tell me,” Pam exclaims and if she didn’t turn 40 today she would have referred to the sound she just made as a squeal.

“Do you want to do something after this, with the kids I mean?” he points towards the three of them still animatedly conversing about sorcery.

“Sure, I still have to pick up some stuff from Annie’s Art Class,”

“I came here so Alex could show me some of his writing awards,” and from the look of pride on his face Pam can tell that Jim is a phenomenal Dad.

“That’s great. Let’s say meet at Adventure Zone at 8:00?”

“Done and done,” he says as he turns towards his kids, his hand catches her wrist for a moment and even though they’re looking in different directions she feels him interlace his fingers with hers and squeeze.

She’s pretty sure he has a thing for doorways because every time she sees him he’s filling up a threshold somewhere. Right now he’s silhouetted by the light of day at his back at the entrance of the dark pizza parlor. Alex has run ahead of him but his daughter still clutches his hand carefully. Pam motions them over and he grins as they make their way to the table she’s scouted out.

Pam stands up and crouches at his daughter’s eye level, the little girl shyly says her name is ‘Lily’ before burying her face in the side of Jim’s leg, Pam’s heart melts a little. Both of her kids had been outgoing and preternaturally mature for their ages and although she couldn’t be more proud of them she’s always had a soft spot for shy kids- maybe because she had been one.

When they finally get seated, Pam’s almost sure that she hears Lily say to her softly, “I like your hair,”

She can’t help but look up at Jim and he shrugs his shoulders with a smile, “Disney’s Rapunzel came out and suddenly curly hair is her favorite thing in the world.”

“Who is your favorite character?” Pam asks as she leans over to better hear Lily over the din of the restaurant.

“Rapunzel,” she replies soflty.

Pam racks her brain and suddenly she can remember the costume the character wears throughout the film. She grabs a flier from the end of the table and a pen from her bag. With a few pen strokes and a flourish she presents the drawing to the little girl and watches her eyes widen.

“It’s me!” She says with a little squeak, “I have curly hair and I’m wearing the Rapunzel dress,”

Lily’s enthusiasm is infectious and soon Pam is covering the rest of the flier with doodles of her brother as fireman and Jim as a wizard. By the time the page is almost full Lily is laughing and pointing and bouncing in her seat and Pam isn’t sure that she is even the same girl who was to shy to introduce herself a few minutes ago.

“Ali!” Jim calls out to his son, motioning him over. 

The boy goes a little red as he almost hisses at his father, “Dad, you said you weren’t going to call me that.”

“Sorry Buddy, I forgot I swear,” Jim says as he holds his hands up in surrender, “Can you take your sister to play with you guys? You want to play with them right Lil?”

Lily shakes her head yes enthusiastically and bounces out of her seat.

“Why don’t you thank Pam for your drawings?” he asked gently.

“Thank you!” Lily says as she throws her little arms around Pam’s shoulders.  Pam caresses her smooth little head and smiles at her affectionately.

“Come on Lil,” Alex says holding out his hand to his sister. Lily begins to point out to her brother all the characters on the flier and wave her hands dramatically in a way that reminds Pam of Jim.

“Alex seems like a great kid, it’s not your average eight year old who willingly takes his little sister to play with him.”

“Alex is amazing with her. Since Karen left he’s become so protective of her. Hell, I can’t even scold her a little for not finishing her food, which she is terrible about by the way, without her knight in shining Reebok’s rushing to her defense.” He says with a giant grin, it’s obvious that he’s incredibly proud of his son.

“Wow,” she says with an awed look on her face.

“What?” he asks.

“You’re someone’s Dad, Jim…jeez.” She shakes her head in amazement at the very idea.

“And you’re someone’s Mom,” He says gesturing towards her with his beer.

“And…you’re here, I mean…we’re here together…at Adventure Zone?” she holds up both her hands and shrugs her shoulders at the universe as if to exclaim, ‘how is this possible?’

“I know, I don’t think I’ve processed that fact yet. That you’re here and you’re real…and…God,” he pauses for a moment and he can sense that neither of them are ready for this yet, “So Patterson huh?”

“I never changed my name legally…I just couldn’t change my initials to P.P,”

He choked a little on his beer, “Wow, you just have the worst luck with last names.”

“No Shit Sherlock,” she says as she tips back the bottle.

“Beesly, languange. We’re in a family establishment,” he says laughingly while clutching his heart in faux indignation.

When the laughter peters out into silence she asks, “Seriously though, how are you guys holding up,”

When the smile slides off his face she almost wishes that she hadn’t asked, but he needs to talk about this and she needs to hear it.

After a few moments of silence she hears him say, “I don’t know what I’m doing.”  He looks up at her, “I didn’t expect it at all. I mean one moment we’re in a marriage I think is doing fine, we have these two amazing kids and then…God, I sound like I’m on a bad Lifetime movie.”

“Is there any other kind of Lifetime movie?”

He chuckles, “Our whole marriage I was the fun Dad and Karen was the enforcer.  I would take Ali to baseball games and I taught them how to play practical jokes,”

“What did you put in the jello?”

“Her lipstick, she didn’t think it was that funny.”

“I imagine not,” she says dryly.

“I’m terrible at the enforcer role, and I guess it was never fair of me to pawn all that off on Karen; but I honestly have no idea how to discipline them. Luckily for me they’ve been amazing since she left…it’s like they know I’m struggling and they’re trying to help.”

“Kids can be really perceptive like that, after their Dad left I spent about six weeks trying to explain to them that their Dad didn’t choose his new baby over them but that he chose his new wife over me, and as amazing as that was for my self-esteem it seemed to reassure them that they were loved…by both of us. And since then they’ve been amazing.”

“His new baby?”

“He knocked up his secretary, she’s just 24 now and already a mother…poor little thing.”

“You feel sorry for the woman who stole your husband?”

“I’m not a Saint, I just can’t get over the fact that she’s just a decade and a half older than my kids.  Besides, I loved my husband but I wasn’t in love with him like you were with Karen. We got married because we were 30 and we wanted kids.”

“She said she left because I never loved her like she wanted to be loved. She said she stuck with me for so long because she thought I would…she thought I would love her like she thought I loved you.”

“But you didn’t love me anymore when you were with her”

He looks at her now and even though they’re here with their kids at Adventure Zone and his temples are gray and she’s got another three inches on her hips and it’s been thirteen years since she last saw him, she feels like she’s 25 again and he’s trying to woo her with his gaze. But then again she misinterpreted his love once and that was when she was young and stupid and now she’s old and jaded so there’s not even a chance of that happening again.

“I’m so sorry. For everything”

“For what? Falling in love with someone else? It’s not surprising…and I know that you’re probably thinking that I’ve changed my tune but I guess I’ve had thirteen years to think about it. It isn’t fair that we fell in love with one another at different times in our lives. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, I mean I can totally see how you fell in love with…”

“Stop. Just….don’t be nice, I made the biggest mistake of my life.”

“Hindsight is 20/20, but if you had to do it over again you would still choose her.”

“No I wouldn’t.”

“Don’t. You wouldn’t because now you know it ends badly.  You loved her then.”

“I knew I made the biggest mistake of my life about six months after you left.”

Now she really feels like the room is disappearing around her and she’s not sure how she went from frazzled single mom to a star in her own personal soap opera in the span of a few hours. Something about this man makes her life feel more dramatic, like the soundtrack from Requiem for a Dream should be running in the background or something.

“I called your Mom,” he says suddenly

“She never told me.”

“I told her not to. I couldn’t find you and I called her desperate for your contact information.  She said to me…and I’ll never forget this…she said to me, ‘She loves you and she’s just started to heal again. I’ll give her your number if you promise to either tell her you love her or tell her you’re over her…you’ve got to take her back or let her go.”

“And you couldn’t do either?”

“I was an idiot.”

“You loved Karen.”

“Why do you keep saying that?”

“Because…because the idea that at least you’re happy has kept me going for 13 years,” she moves to take another sip and realizes her beer is empty, “I’m empty,” it strikes her again that they’re in Adventure Zone and that they’re forty and it’s ridiculous for them to rehash a long dead relationship. “Fuck,” she says shaking her head, “Look. You need a friend right now, God knows I did when I became a single parent…Hell, I almost called Meredith….all this other stuff is ancient history.  I loved you, you didn’t love me- it was 13 years ago.”

“Go out with me?”

She laughs, “You don’t even know me anymore, I don’t even know you. You just got divorced….You want me to be your rebound from your marriage?”

“Not immediately…I need six months to get the kids comfortable, go out with me in six months.”

”You’re trying to date nostalgia and she doesn’t put out.”

“I’m trying to tell you that I never stopped loving you.”

He still knows how to strike her speechless and when she manages to find her voice again, “You don’t mean that…you’re vulnerable.”

“I bought a can of turpentine when Alex was three just because it reminded me of how your apartment smelled, I spent a weekend pretending to strip paint off an old dresser because I just wanted to memorize how you smelled.”

“I don’t…”

“Karen was right, I never loved her like I loved you. I loved her, God I mean I loved her and she was…is…beautiful and wonderful and we had two gorgeous kids and she made me laugh and sometimes I could forget…but I was always in love with you, even when I didn’t want to admit it to myself,” he stops for a moment and he sees that she’s mesmerized by his speech, “But you know what? I’m 41 years old and I don’t even give a fuck anymore. The fact that you’re sitting here across from me more beautiful than I remember isn’t luck- it’s fate. And I’m not leaving till you tell me you’ll give me a second chance”

“You’re going to move into Adventure Zone?”

“They have ski ball, pizza and beer- it sounds like paradise to me.”

“Jim, I…”

“Say yes,” he catches her wrist in his hand and waits.

“Here?” she manages to squeak out, wrestling back her wrist from his hand.

He looks around their immediate vicinity and sees his son watching his daughter playing in the giant vat of colored balls, “Ali…I mean Alex, watch your sister for like 5 minutes, I have to go give Ms. Beesly something from the car.”

Pam catches her daughter’s eye and gives her a tight-lipped smile as she holds up one hand with five fingers.

He holds out his hand to grasp hers but something about holding hands for the first time doesn’t have ‘Adventure Zone’ written all over it, she hugs herself instead, trying to block out the nervous tension growing in her belly.

“What are we…” her question is interrupted by his finger on her lips, he tugs her gently behind one of the giant columns and they’re standing there, two adults in their 40’s in a suburban mini mall staring at each other hungrily like teenagers.

“How is it that you’re more beautiful than I remember?” he asks softly. Even though it’s been years, literally years since she can last remember the feeling of his breath on her cheek the rush of warmth that suffuses through her body from her head to the tips of her toes is the same.  She knows that there are lines around his eyes from laughter but she frowns as she sees  the tiny lines across his forehead, he must have spent quite a bit of time during the last few years worrying. She traces her hand along his forehead and his skin is still unbearably soft beneath her fingers. She knows her fingers are calloused now from hours in the studio but he still closes his eyes at her touch.

His hand goes around her waist and if he notices that if it’s just a little thicker than it used to be he doesn’t let on. Then he’s tugging her towards him and Pam feels a flash of panic at the thought that it’s been years since she really kissed a man and so, so, much longer than her last first kiss.

Except it isn’t really a first kiss at all because the moment their lips meet, her skin is young and dewy again and all the gray has vanished from his hair. They aren’t standing in a mini mall alleyway, but in a dimly lit office building and they’re just Jim and Pam again. She’s not entirely sure how he’s built a time machine for the two of them with his kiss, but Pam is desperate for another chance to turn back the clock that she kisses him again.

He groans a little and then his face is in her hair and he’s breathing out her name like a prayer.

And she isn’t sure how her day turned out like this. But she’s thankful, she’s so very thankful.

By the time they return to the table, the waitress is waiting by the table.

“I have two pepperonis and a cheese,” says the bored teenager, her arms laden with pizza.

Pam manages to pull her hand from his grasp and smile up at their waitress, and like magic their children appear at the table. “Wow,” Pam remarks to her daughter, “I wish you guys would come to dinner this fast when I make Brussels Sprouts.”

Annie rolls her eyes, “You don’t make those things- you think they’re gross.”

“Shhh,” she says gently poking her daughter in the ribs, “You’re going to ruin my Mom street cred,” Annie pretends to roll her eyes again but Jim can tell that she secretly thinks her Mom is hilarious.

“Did you two say Hello to Mr. Halpert?” Pam asks as she hands each of the children a giant slice.

“Hi,” Annie says carefully.

“Hi, Mr. Halpert. How do you know my mom? Were you guys talking about us? I told her about Flonkerton and the fourth grade Olympics and how you taught us all those games and stuff. She says I can come Alex’s birthday party.” The entire speech is delivered at lightening speed with a mouth half full of pizza. 

Pam starts to interpret her son’s speech for Jim when he responds, “I’ve known your Mom for almost forever, I’m going say about 17 years now, which is more than twice your age.”

“I was a secretary at the office where your Dad worked,” she says to Alex.

“Mom you were a receptionist? Like Taylor?” Annie asks, Jim can’t help but chuckle at the look of amazement on Annie’s face.

“She wasn’t just a receptionist, she was a criminal mastermind,” Now he really has Pam’s kids’ attention.  “Remember the gorgeous Receptionist I told you about who invented Flonkerton?” He says to Alex and Josh.

“Mom,” Josh says dropping his pizza onto his plate, “You invented Flonkerton?” in the same awed tone he would have used if someone told him his mother had flown to the moon.

“Well I had some help,” Pam says with a wink at Jim, she can’t help but enjoy that thrill of pleasure that rushes through her knowing that her kids are actually really impressed with her right now.

“Mom, that is so cool.”

“What was our Dad like?” Alex asks and Pam quirks her eyebrow at Jim asking for permission, he quirks an eyebrow at her and she knows he’s saying, ‘Don’t tell them Everything.’

“Have you met Dwight? Or maybe Mr. Shrute?” Pam asks.

Alex screws up his nose, “Mr. Shrute? That weird guy with the big glasses?”

“Has your Dad ever told you about the practical jokes he used to play?”

“Dad?” Alex
 

“Well, he used to put some of Mr. Shrute’s things in Jello. One time he unhinged his chair so that when he sat down his chair collapsed around him. Oh and there was the time….”

“So Pam, tell me more about your work,” he says with a sly wink, his children are transfixed and before either of them can protest he says, “Finish your food and you’ll get more stories.”

Alex stuffs the pizza into his mouth with a giant bite, earning a grin from his Dad. “Careful, buddy. You lose your table manners on my watch and your Mom will have my head.”

Alex nods soberly as he takes a more human bite.

“So, seriously…you’re a professor now?” He asks in amazement.

“Well, I never got my PhD, just my MFA so I’m just an Associate, but yeah, I am,” he smiles at the hint of pride in her voice as she takes a dainty bite from the giant slice. “And you, Mr. Regional Manager…I’m dying to hear about everyone from the old office!”

“Oh Pam, the stories I could tell,” He looks up behind her and frowns just a little, they’re coming too soon…oh well.

And soon Pam feels a tiny paper hat being foisted on her head and their kids are cheering as a man in a giant monkey outfit is belting out ‘Happy Birthday’ at the top of his lungs. The cake is a generic one they offer for birthday parties but Pam is convinced it’s the nicest one she’s seen in years. When they place it in front of her, ablaze with candles she can see her kids grinning in delight next to her and Jim before her. The glow of the candlelight has softened his face and he’s never looked more handsome, and she can’t remember last when she was so happy.

When he tells her gently to blow out her candles and make a wish, the look in her eyes lets him know that she’s already halfway to getting what she wished for all along.