He scanned his closet looking for something to wear.  It briefly crossed his mind to dress up for Pam, but his fingers glossed right over his small contingency of suits.  Jim never liked wearing them as they never really fit him quite right nor were they very comfortable.  He had started wearing them in Stamford as almost a disguise to hide from the pain and start over as someone different.  His suits now seemed like Halloween costumes rather than work attire.  They weren’t him and they never would be.  A comfortable pair of favorite jeans caught his eye and he gravitated towards them.  A white t-shirt and a lightweight gray vee-neck sweater finished off his casual ensemble. He planned on taking Pam to Russell’s Restaurant down on Ash Street.  It was a little bit of a drive, but Pam once said she wanted to go there a few years ago.  He never forgot a word she said.  Not even the painful ones, but that didn’t matter now.   Russell’s was nice but it wasn’t anything too fancy, so jeans should be acceptable.  He pushed up the sleeves of his sweater and took a deep breath.  He was anxious and nervous, but at the same time he hadn’t felt this comfortable in ages. 

Jim didn’t usually pay this much attention to his appearance, but Pam was strong motivation to take a longer look in the mirror.   An oversight in his outward appearance was too risky to comprehend as his nerves began to get the best of him.  He still hadn’t adjusted to his new haircut.  It felt odd to have cold air hitting his forehead.  His hair had never been of much concern to him, but now it felt like an outright conundrum.  Pam had told him yesterday that he looked nice with his clean cut short hair combed neatly off to the side.  He wanted to make a good impression on Pam, but his new hair reminded him of Karen and her “suggestion” to get a haircut.  He had hurt Karen badly this afternoon.  She didn’t deserve it, but Jim knew in the long run she didn’t deserve a man who loved someone else.  He did the right thing and he could find solace in that fact.  Karen was a good person, but Pam was the one.  His thoughts returned to Pam and his impending hair decision.  Pam may have liked it, but he didn’t.  Like the suits, it just wasn’t him.  He gave his hair a quick tousle and let his shag playfully return home across his forehead.  It was still short, but it was another step towards normal.  A small grin escaped his lips as he peered at himself.  The man he felt return in Wallace’s office was staring back at him in the mirror.  It felt good to be back.

**** 

A few stoplights and 15 minutes away, Pam stood in front of her closet.  Everything looked old and worn out.  Her fingers danced across the hangers as she rejected every outfit she passed over.  Pam’s limited experience with dating didn’t help, nor did the nagging question of Karen.  Jim had said it was a date, but he didn’t say anything about Karen.  Pam wants to give Jim the benefit of the doubt and assume they had broken up, but she knew she’d have to find out sooner rather than later.  Pam wouldn’t date another woman’s boyfriend even if it was Jim.  She respected herself too much.   Adding to her dilemma, Jim had been playfully coy about where they were going for dinner.  She couldn’t help but pause and smile at the thought of Jim’s elusive plans.  All the giddy butterflies in her stomach sprung to life and pushed out her doubts.  He really came back and he really asked her out.  Something so new and unexpected surely deserved an outfit Jim had never seen her wear.  That ruled out all her skirts, button down shirts, and cardigan sweaters.  Not much else remained.  Pam didn’t go out a lot and she wasn’t one to dress up all that often.   Her eyes wandered to the corner of her closet where rarely or never worn clothes eventually migrated.  She continued to flip through hangers until she came across a top she hadn’t been brave enough to wear since she modeled it for Kelly’s “fashion show at lunch.”  Kelly and Phyllis both gave positive feedback, as did Roy.  Pam stared at it, unsure if she should take the risk of wearing something so unfamiliar for something so special.  She tried it on along with a pair of flattering dark blue jeans and was surprised at how good she looked.  It could’ve been the way the red color complimented her skin tone or her new accessory of confidence that changed her opinion about wearing something so different. 

Pam decided to take the extra time to style her hair into soft curls.  She usually saved her smoothed out do for special occasions.  Jim was definitely worth the effort.  She had worn her hair that way when he told her he loved her.  She could still feel his kiss on her lips.  There are so many things she wished she’d done differently that night, but her hair was not one of them.   After a little fiddling she managed to recreate the style including a few tendrils framing her face.  A little more make up than usual finished off her look.  She wanted to look her best and hide the effects of a long day at work.  Pam took one last look in the mirror and hoped Jim would see the person she knew she had become.  A vibrant and confident woman stared back at her, a woman who was courageous enough to wear red.

Jim clumsily held onto the crinkled piece of paper as he turned the steering wheel of his car.  He’d spotted the street sign that was next on the list of directions a little too late and struggled to make the turn.  Earlier in the day he called Pam after foolishly realizing he had no idea where she lived.  He didn’t even tell her what time he wanted to pick her up.  He made it all the way down to the parking lot before the euphoria of Pam’s “yes” wore off enough for partial rational thought to resume.  He held onto his cell phone for a few minutes to give Pam enough time to finish with the camera crew and get back to her desk.  As if it were second nature, he dialed the number of Pam’s desk phone.  After two rings, the familiar phrase, “Dunder Mifflin this is Pam” rang in his ear.  His heart leapt.  The sound of her voice was his favorite song. 

“Hey.” 

To his delight she sweetly returned, “Hey.”

“I, uh, need directions to your apartment.  I’d like to, um, pick you up tonight, if that’s okay.”  His nerves rattled him a little bit, but he luckily he didn’t come off sounding like too much of an idiot.

“Oh, okay. . . Do you have something to write this down?”

Thankfully, Jim had thought of that before calling her.  He had a pen and paper ready to go on the hood of his car.  “Yeah, I’m ready.”  He meant that in more ways than one.  He scribbled down her instructions as she told him which way to turn on various streets.  “Alright, I think I’ve got it.  Is 7:00 okay with you?”

“Yeah, that sounds great.  Where are we going?”  He couldn’t help but notice the excitement in her voice.  It was encouraging to know he wasn’t the only one bursting at the seams with anticipation.

Jim smiled widely, “You’ll see.” 

“Oh, so that’s how it’s going to be?”  He could hear her softly giggle and envisioned the adorable face that would accompany her glee.

“Yup, I’ll see you at seven.” 

“Okay, bye.”

“Bye.”   He looked down at the directions and closed his phone.  It was really going to happen.

Jim arrived in the parking lot of Pam’s apartment building earlier than he expected.  In fact, he was 10 minutes early.  Impatience had been his close personal friend ever since he closed the conference room door.   It’s no wonder he drove a little faster than usual.  Nerves began to mingle with impatience as the significance of the evening began to weigh on his mind.  He turned the key to shut off the motor and just sat silently.  His fingers were clinging to his keys as if they could magically restore his composure.  He was stuck in the peculiar paradox of hesitant anticipation.  It may be the first date, but it was really a second chance.  Hope was resting on a sea of unknowns that could take him to either paradise or hell.  He knew he loved her, but he also knew he could easily be picking up the pieces of a broken heart once again.   Despite the nerves, a small smile appeared on his face.  Just a few years ago he would’ve given his right arm to be in the position he finds himself at this moment.  Now was not the time to let fear paralyze him.  Pam was waiting for him and it was a real date.  With a few minutes still to kill, he reached for his wallet in his front pocket.   He retrieved a neatly folded piece of paper from the cash compartment.  Once unfolded, the yogurt lid shined in all it’s glory.  The gold lid was the light at the end of a dark tunnel he’d been traveling since last year.  The need to be in Pam’s presence grew stronger with each passing moment.  She changed his life with her simple gesture of kindness and warmth.  He lightly rubbed his thumb over the yogurt lid and smiled.  Everything he loved about her was in his hands.  That’s all he needed to know.  A glance at his watch revealed it was finally time.  With a deep breath he refolded her note and put it back in his wallet.  He would always carry it with him, the same way he always carried her in his heart.  

***

Pam sat on her couch blankly switching channels on the television.  She doesn’t even know why she turned it on in the first place.  The clock had more of her attention than the nonsense flashing on the screen.  Jim was supposed to pick her up in 10 minutes.   The intensity of her stomach flips increased with each passing minute.  She hoped the directions she’d given him were good enough for Jim to find his way to her apartment.  His phone call earlier in the day had been a total surprise.  She had just finished pulling herself together in the conference room when she returned to her desk and a ringing phone.  She answered it with her usual Dunder Mifflin greeting and was met with his soft spoken, “Hey.”  There was something about his voice that always touched her warmly.  It was comforting and soothing in a way she couldn’t explain.  His request for directions to her apartment left her floored.  It never occurred to her that he’d be picking her up.  It really was a date.  She had smiled and felt her cheeks burning as they had in the conference room just a few minutes before.  The reassurance that this was actually a date sent a jolt through her that caused her to tremble with excitement.   She had inquired about where they were going, but Jim had playfully told her “You’ll see.”  She couldn’t help but imagine his face with the impish grin that surely accompanied his answer.  Her eyes twinkled at the thought of another surprise.  Of course, it didn’t really matter where they were going, as long she was with him.  She hung up the phone after his goodbye and cupped her hands over her mouth.  Her brain was still trying to wrap around the reality that she had a second chance with Jim.

A second chance is something Pam thought would never happen.  She knew full well that she’d blown her first chance.  Jim’s heart was shattered as a result of her inability to admit she loved him.  She’d spent the better part of a year missing him with every fiber of her being.  The void in her life after he left was constant and unforgiving.  Even though she had found confidence and strength within herself, a piece of her was still missing.  Her newly resurrected hope was completely reliant on the unknown.  A million scenarios filled her mind of what could go wrong.  In the last year, their relationship had been a collage of miscommunication, cold shoulders, and pain.  Pam’s thoughts made her restless and she began to pace.  She felt herself falling into self doubt and she knew couldn’t let her fears cast a shadow on an evening of so much promise.  Besides, fate wouldn’t be so cruel as to bring him back to her only to yank him away.

Pam wandered to a small bookshelf in her living room and pulled out one of her many art books.  Carefully tucked inside the front cover was Jim’s senior yearbook picture.  He had given it to her as part of a special Christmas gift.   Pam had hidden the photo in order to avoid explaining its significance to Roy.  The photograph stayed in the book even after she and Roy split up.  She loved Jim and she loved art.  It made sense to her to keep them together.  She often pulled out Jim’s picture as a way to be with him.  She smiled down at his “dorky” face and loved him all over again.  A seemingly small and insignificant photograph carried priceless memories of friendship and love.  His young face seemed foreign and barely recognizable, but his warm and sparkling eyes were the same.  He always believed in her and ultimately gave her the courage to believe in herself.  It suddenly became real again that he was heading towards her doorstep.  Tonight was her chance to love him the way he loved her.   

Jim walked up to Pam’s doorstep and stood silently for a moment.  As it was a year ago, everything was on the line.  He knocked on the door as his heart beat so fast it felt like it was trying to escape the prison of his chest.  He shoved his hands into the comfort zone of his pockets.  All his anticipation and nerves were centered on this moment.  He shifted his weight on his feet as he often did in response to overwhelming situations.  The view of the ground filled his gaze as he looked down to collect his thoughts.  It seemed like an eternity before the door knob finally started to turn. 

 

Pam jumped out of her skin when she heard the knock on her door.  He’s here.  She smoothed out her shirt and ran her fingers through her hair one more time.  She stood in front of her door for just a moment and took a deep breath before reaching for the door knob.  She quietly mumbled to herself, “Don’t blow it this time,” as she turned the knob.

 

The door opened to reveal a radiant Pam standing before Jim.  She was beautiful everyday, but this moment literally knocked the breath right out of him.   A smile snuck out of the corner of his mouth to accompany his awe filled eyes.   He relished the freedom of being able to look at her freely without wondering if she can see into his soul.   His eyes literally invited Pam to read every page of his feelings for her.

 

“Hey,” Pam greeted him warmly.  He looked amazing.   After watching him come to work in ill-fitting suits, it was refreshing to see him in something so comfortable and so him.  Even more to her delight was seeing his disheveled hair lying across his forehead.  Her Jim had returned from wherever he’d been hiding all year.  His eyes sparkled with warmth and exuberance in sharp contrast to the emptiness that dominated his face for so long.  She smiled at the thought of his return, and sent him another warm welcome with her eyes.  She could finally let him see how much she loves him, without fear or obstacles.

 

“Hey . . . Wow, you look beautiful.” 

 

“Thanks.  You look good, too.”  She was thrilled with his compliment, but the look on his face when she opened the door was more than enough for her.  She could’ve sworn she felt his love wrapping around her.  Pam’s eyes again wandered up to his hair and she couldn’t help but smile a little wider.  Jim’s rolled his eyes up and then back at her.  He knew she was calling attention to his hair and was a little amused by her response.

 

“Yeah . . .  I, uh . . . It has a mind of its own.”  He smiled sheepishly, a little embarassed at all the attention his hair was recieving.  However, he could find some relief in the thought that Meredith wasn't here calling him "sexy,hot." 

 

“Better.” 

 

Jim smiled wider and locked his eyes with hers more intensely.  It was his way of telling her he had really back just as she wished he would.  It wasn’t just his hair, it was everything.  She found what he’d kept hidden since the words, “I can’t,” shut him down.  What’s more, she helped him see he didn’t need to fear the man who loved her.  Hope he hid away for so long was finally coming back to life.

 

Pam was mesmerized.  It took her a few moments to recover.  “Um, why don’t you come inside,” she offered after realizing she was being rude by having him stand outside. 

 

“Sure.”

 

She was surprised by how much comfort came from Jim’s presence in her apartment.  In all the years she knew him, he’d never been to her home.  It felt like he belonged there and with her. 

 

“This is really nice.  Even with just the one kitchen.”  Jim’s nerves sent him to his fallback of humor.  He simply couldn’t help but make a joke to calm the butterflies in his stomach. Pam laughed.  She hadn’t thought about that conversation in months.  It was one of those bittersweet memories Pam wished had a better ending. 

 

“I still say you got taken.”  He chuckled at his own joke.  Pam joined in with her own giggles soon after.  How he loved that sound.  His eyes continued to scan his surroundings.  The apartment was small, but cozy and warm.  Just like Pam. 

 

“So, you ready to go?”

 

“I just need to grab my purse.” 

 

“Okay.”

 

Her purse wasn’t in its usual spot and Pam struggled to remember where she had left it.  It finally dawned on her that it was in her bedroom.  “I’ll be right back.”  Earlier, she had intended to switch her purse over to something that fit her outfit a little better than her usual black barrel shaped purse.  It would take a few seconds to make the switch, but she needed a little time to let Jim’s presence sink in anyway.  The combination of incredible joy and nerves was little overwhelming.  A quiet moment and a deep breath would do a world of good.

 

Finding himself alone, Jim wandered over to Pam’s makeshift art studio situated in the corner of her living room.  He flicked on the halogen light and illuminated her creativity.  The top of the table was strewn with half finished drawings, pencils and paint brushes.  He lifted pages to see the works that were obscured and was impressed by her skill.  A proud smile formed on his lips.  Somehow she managed to put her warmth on cold sheets of paper.  Just as she did this afternoon. 

 

Pam emerged from her bedroom and was surprised to see Jim poking around her paintings.  “I never pegged you for a snoop.”  She said with a playful air of sarcasm, hoping to make him laugh or smile.  It felt like a dream to see her two loves connected just as they were on her bookshelf.   A dream she never allowed herself to believe until this moment.

 

Jim was startled by her voice as it summoned from his own little world.  However, he recovered his poise quickly, “These are really good, Pam.” 

 

She smiled, “Thanks.”  Pam walked over towards him and took her place by his side.  “I’m still working on these.  They’re projects for one of my classes.”

 

“Do you still have the paintings from your art show?” 

 

Her brow became knotted with confusion at Jim’s request.  Her art show was a sore spot and she couldn’t imagine why Jim was asking about it.  “Um, yeah.  I think they’re around here somewhere.  Why?” 

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t show up that night.  I should’ve been there.  I’m hoping I can make it up to you.”  Deep sincerity was all over his face.  Jim had wanted to attend the show, but his own fears and insecurities got in the way.  Now was his chance to set things right and let her know he’d always be there for her. 

 

Pam nodded in acceptance of his apology.  The wound of that evening had finally healed.  She pulled out the portfolio that held her art show paintings along with a few others.  Jim happily began paging through them.  One in particular caught his attention and he held it up.

 

“This needs Jell-O,” he said of her watercolor rendition of a stapler.  Both chuckled at the thought of Jim’s signature prank.  He replaced the painting in the portfolio and continued his trek into Pam’s work.  She watched him page through her work and reveled in the smile on his face.  The moment was perfect, but she couldn’t shake the question that continued to linger in the back of her mind.  The timing wasn’t perfect, but she didn’t want to let herself fall too much further without knowing the boundaries.

 

“Jim.”

 

“Yeah.”  He immediately noticed her serious demeanor. 

 

She dug deep to summon all the courage she had, “What happened in New York?” She asked him gently, but also with enough intensity to let him know this is important for her to know.  Pam knew she couldn’t corner Jim too tightly, as she’d see him run too many times. 

 

He looked at her stunned.  Fancy New Beesly certainly wasn’t holding back.  It was going to take a while for Jim to get used to this blunt and straight forward version of Pam.  He loved this new aspect of her, but nonetheless it was a little jarring.   Jim knew her inquiry was about Karen, but he could scarcely believe Pam was initiating the subject now.  He figured the topic would come up eventually, but thought he would be the one to do it.  He had no idea how to go about telling her everything that has happened to him in the last 24 hours.  He was still trying to sort through it all himself.  Putting his emotions into eloquent words was never one of Jim’s talents.  He’s had so much practice holding them in, that letting them out became almost unthinkable.  Fear is a powerful barrier.  He looked away from her for a moment desperately trying to find an answer.  After a small pause he looked her right in the eye.

 

“It wasn’t for me.”  The answer was simple, but for him it told her everything.  None of it was for him, New York, the job, and Karen no longer fit the man he wanted to be.

 

She nodded, but maintained eye contact with Jim.  Her eyes told him she needed to know more than that, even though she knew what he meant with his answer.  Jim had indeed come home, but that didn’t negate the fact that she needed unequivocal verification that Karen was out of the picture.  It didn’t matter how much she loved Jim, she would not cross into the waters of being the other woman.   Pam scrounged up another round of courage and decided to cut to the chase, albeit tenderly.

 

“What about –-”

 

“It’s over.”  Jim interrupted her before Karen’s name made an appearance.  It was all over; Karen, running away, and denying his feelings for Pam were all part of his past.  It felt good to let the weight on his shoulders fall away.

 

Pam again nodded in acknowledgement, “Okay.” A slight smile of relief graced her lips.  The possibility of a real future with Jim had just become even more plausible.  Jim smiled back in return feeling the same hope that lived in Pam. 

 

Jim returned his attention to Pam’s artwork, but he absently thumbed through them.  Pam deserved to know more, but his old habit of holding back kept him from taking her in his arms and surrendering his heart.  He may have found the courage to allow himself feel his emotions, but he hadn’t found enough to express them out in the open.  Pam immediately noticed Jim pensive state, but knew better than to push him.  She didn’t say a word, instead she softly touched his arm to coax him into talking; I’m listening.

 

Her touch gave him goose bumps.  It was so soothing and so Pam.  He turned and looked deeply into her eyes.  It had been ages since he completely trusted her, but he found himself completely enraptured by her presence.

 

“I got your note.”  His voice was soft and timid, yet teeming with a torrent of emotion. There was so much more he wanted to tell her about that moment in Wallace’s office, but the words just wouldn’t come.  He wanted to tell her how much it meant to him, how it meant everything to him.  The feelings of “thank you” and “I love you” swirled in his head, but silence ensued.  Instead it all danced across his face: You saved me.

 

Pam understood every word he didn’t say.  His soul was open to her and she felt every piece of him.  She knew he needed her just as much as she needed him.  Pam took one step closer to Jim and wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pulled him close to her.  It was a bold move, but Pam never felt such a strong need to be near him.   Jim hardly knew how to respond at first.  All of the sudden her arms surrounded him and her cheek was against his.  His body shuddered at her touch; his thoughts fell silent as he let the moment sink in.  His arms naturally flowed around her.  He held on tight and breathed her into his being.  The warmth he had felt all day was finally in his arms. 

 

Pam let her hands fall down onto Jim’s chest, but she didn’t pull away.  She looked up and met Jim’s gaze knowing she was exactly where she belonged.  She couldn’t help but wonder what took her so long to find her place with him.  She should have been here years ago. 

He couldn’t tear his eyes from her face.  It was so beautiful and serene.  Almost beyond his control, he lightly touched her cheek.  He wanted to kiss her, but his fears soon took over.  The last time he found himself in this position his heart was laying at his feet in pieces.  The memory of that evening was paralyzing even in the midst of a perfect moment.  All he could muster was a soft kiss on her cheek.  He lingered longer than he should have, completely lost in the touch of her skin. 

 

Pam was electrified by Jim’s touch.  His breath on her cheek was warm and inviting.  Pam knew he wanted to kiss her, but she saw the fear in his eyes.  The origin of that fear was painfully clear.  All she wanted to do was stop the bleeding and show him nothing has to hurt anymore.  She knew of only one way to break through his barrier.  As he began to slowly retreat from her, his mouth moved just past hers.  At just the right moment, she leaned in and delicately kissed him.  

 

Jim’s senses overloaded from Pam’s unexpected touch.  Her kiss was sweeter than he remembered and all he imagined.  It gave him all the reassurance he needed to push his fears aside.  He reciprocated with a deeper, yet sweetly tender kiss.  There was no thinking, no expectations and no hurt.  Just promise.