Subject: Throop out
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/19/2008 9:12 AM
To: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com

 

You were right earlier. That ‘perfect’ apartment in Throop is already taken. I circled some other possibilities—check the newspaper I left on your desk. Let me know what you think after your meeting, okay? And remember, it doesn’t have to be perfect. It’s just a place you can stay since your lease is up, and for us after the wedding until we find our house. :-)

 

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Subject: Re: Throop out
From: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/19/2008 9:55 AM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

 

Throop out? Is that a Seacrest reference? Because that’s disturbing.

 

The one on Colfax looks pretty good—I made an appointment for us to see it later. If you can't come, I'll just check it out myself. I just wish you'd let me move in with you until we find a place. I can't believe you made me move in with Dwight. :-(

 

Off to another meeting—should I try to keep Michael out of trouble, or get him into it? The age-old dilemma…

 

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Subject: Jim’s a big baby
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/19/2008 10:03 AM
To: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com

 

 

You've only been at Dwight's for one night - how bad can it be? I know you think it's ridiculous, but Roy and I lived together when we were engaged, and you know how that turned out. I know—you’re not Roy. (Oh, my God! Thank God you're not Roy!)

 

For what it's worth (nothing, I know), Kelly thinks I'm doing the right thing. She says you'll leave me at the altar if I live with you first. She's still convinced that you're just not that into me. (I’m pretty sure you were the other night, though. ;-)) Plus, with all this wedding planning, this gives us a little break from each other every day.

 

And I didn’t make you move in with Dwight. You could have moved your stuff into a storage unit and lived in a motel. You were the one who wanted to save money for a honeymoon in Australia…(okay, I want it too!)

 

Hey, you never told me how you tricked him into letting you stay there rent-free. Bobblenapping? ;-)

 

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Subject: Jim’s the only sane one on the beet farm
From: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/19/2008 10:55 AM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

How bad can it be??? You've got to be joking. Last night included a beet picking 'party' in the moonlight, complete with beet smoothies and a "Name That Beet" competition (which I sucked at). Also? Dwight has German Shepherds to detect Terminators, and they’re truly frightening. I don't know what Dwight will do if the beet farm dogs decide I'm a T-1000.

 

I’m really not sure this is worth all the money I’m saving. Plus, I’m a little insulted that you think I tricked Dwight. He’s letting me stay with him rent-free because I only reported a quarter of his disadulations to Corporate. I am the best boss ever. ;-) (Also, it’s beet picking season—free labor.)

 

Speaking of wedding planning—I give in. We can have the flowers you want. But then you have to let me live with you until we find our newlywed apartment. If I stay with Dwight and Mose too long, I'll become one of “them,” a beet-pod-person.

(Hey, if you come visit me, I'm in bedroom 3. Try to avoid the dogs.)

 

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Subject: Re: Jim’s the only sane one on the beet farm
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/19/2008 11:17
To: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com

 

 

Jim, Terminators are a real threat. Schwarzenegger was ready to blow the top off the government cover-up until they gave him California. At least Dwight is trying to do what he can for his little portion of the world. You could learn a lot from him. Don’t! I take it back. ;-)

 

You should Google 'Scent-A-Way'—it’s almost guaranteed to help you with any killer dog problem. Also? You want Dwight to think you're a Terminator. It's the perfect prank. You're an excellent mimic, just like a Terminator, and you’re tall, and…that’s probably enough to qualify. I shouldn't have to tell you these things, Jim; this is basic stuff, like Pranking 101.

 

I'm sorry you hate the beet farm. Think how much more you'll appreciate the new apartment once we find it. And I'm not letting you come live with me because you give in on the flowers. I don't even want you to give in on the flowers. I want you to appreciate my taste in flowers, and realize they're a good choice.

Lunch in the break room at noon?

 

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Subject: Update on recent events
From: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/19/2008 11:19 AM
To: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com

 

Mose wasn’t happy about giving bedroom 3 to Jim—that’s where we stored the old school trophies. Clearing them out cluttered up bedroom 4, where the whittling tools and supplies were kept. I found my old shuffleboard medals shoved under the porch near the outhouse. Mose has always resented my shuffleboard dominance.

 

Jim's settling in all right. He's kind of a slacker in the fields, and he doesn't have the natural talent at "Name That Beet" that you have (he can’t even tell Kleine Bol from Chioggia), but at least he's agreed to pick. I think he misses Pam. He makes his mopey face a lot, you know, the one you call the "stupid Jim" face. Last night, after the beet picking party, he went and just sat in the west field. That's the direction Pam lives, so he's probably trying to be closer to her. (That field is fallow this year or I would’ve run him off it.)

 

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

 

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Subject: Re: Update on recent events
From: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/19/2008 11:22 PM
To: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com

 

 

My strong Possum,

 

Your kindness and charity towards Jim, who has never been very kind to you, is admirable. Attending church with me each week is bringing out your Christian qualities. But sometimes, people take advantage of the Virtuous and it gets in the way of important things, like cookies. People need privacy to have cookies.

 

Pam and I have a limited at-work friendship. I'll exploit that.

 

Your cousin Mose resents many of your superior abilities. Insist that the shuffleboard medals be stored in his bedroom to re-establish your role as the dominant male cousin.

 

Your sweet Monkey

 

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

 

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Subject: This is unacceptable
From: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/19/2008 11:35 AM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

 

 

Pam,

Jim must have known that his lease would be up before your wedding date. A planner would have looked for an apartment long before now. Why you chose a man like that for your mate, I don’t know, but you did. Now it’s your duty to help him find a place to live, so he isn’t homeless and taking advantage of Dwight’s charitable nature.

 

Of course, I would never advocate people living in sin, but it’s not like it would be anything new for you. After all, you lived with Roy for years without the sanctity of marriage before you so hastily set him aside.

 

But that is neither here nor there. You have to see that your actions are adversely affecting the lives of others. Certain people have certain standing plans which now cannot take place. This is very difficult for certain people. I feel sure you know what I mean.

 

Please keep in mind that concentrating is difficult in the middle of such turmoil. It’s fortunate that I am not personally affected by your situation, given that I have the enormous responsibility of painstakingly signing and distributing all the paychecks, including your own.

 

I pray fervently that this situation is resolved immediately.

 

Angela Martin

 

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Subject: Financial Reports
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/19/2008 11:47 PM
To: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com

 

I know you wanted me to generate those really important financial reports for you, but I may not be able to; Michael said he has a special project for me this afternoon. Plus, I’ve been getting these bothersome e-mail messages which take up my time and distract me. I should be able to get your reports done before the corporate deadline, if the annoying e-mails stop. I feel sure you know what I mean.

 

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Subject: Special Project—Paper-related
From: MScott@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/19/2008 2:25 PM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

 

Pambone! Could you look into getting Jan a breast pump? It should be one of those where you can do both at once, with like a…double boober thing? Don't tell anyone about this—remember it's a secret project! Don't even tell Jim. Oh, right, you wouldn't, he's at the beet farm hangin' with Dwight and his weirdo cousin!

 

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Subject: Re: Special Project—Paper-related
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/19/2008 2:31 PM
To: MScott@DunderMifflin.com

 

Congratulations on Jan’s pregnancy! But Jan may not want you to tell people yet. A lot of times women like to wait to tell until they’re sure everything’s okay. Also, she may not even want a breast pump—some women don't. This doesn't seem like an urgent project.

 

I've asked you not to talk to Jim or to me about the beet farm. This includes through e-mail.

 

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Subject: Re: Re: Special Project—Paper-related
From: MScott@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/19/2008 3:02 PM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

 

Pammary glands! There's no baby (yet)! This article in Maxim said that nothing's better for a man's virility than a little snack of warm milk fresh from the source, and you need to prime the pump (get it?) to get those puppies working. Don't mention this to Jan. It's a surprise for her. The article said women like it too, because they like to nurture their men.

 

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Subject: Re: Re: Re: Special Project—Paper-related
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/19/2008 3:58 PM
To: MScott@DunderMifflin.com
cc: TFlenderson@DunderMifflin.com

 

Michael, don't believe Maxim, ever. Remember the leather problem? That was Maxim, too. Jan won't like your surprise, and I won't be getting you a breast pump. Also, I've canceled your subscription to Maxim. Don't try to contact them on your own—I told them you died. I will find out if you contact them, and then I'll cancel the rest of your magazines, even Magic Magazine.

 

I've copied all of your e-mails that mention boobs, puppies, ‘buoyancy bags’, etc., to Toby. He'll send them to Kendall at corporate any time I ask him, or automatically if I’m fired. NO TALKING ABOUT JAN'S BREASTS. OR MINE.

 

I'm taking the rest of the day off, since you keep holding up coffee mugs to your chest and asking Jim if he misses me. Stop bothering Jim, or I'll call Jan and tell her you don't really have to work late all week, and you'll be home at 5:15 every day. You can try to lie your way out of it, but she'll believe me, not you—just like last week.

 

Stay out of trouble this afternoon. I’ll know.

 

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Subject: I’m out of here!
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/19/2008 4:03 PM
To: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com

 

Michael was being himself again, although even more so than usual—don’t ask! (It was another Maxim idea.) I reported him to Toby, so I have a chance to get out of here early. :-)

 

I'll see you at the apartment on Colfax. I hope the bedroom's nice and big! I don’t suppose we’ll have enough privacy to test it out. ;-)

 

Let’s take a break from wedding planning tonight, okay? Let’s just see the apartment.

Subject: On the Beet, Jim Halpert reporting
From: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/20/2008 8:45 AM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

I don't know if we're going to get the place on Colfax. The realtor called me last night on the Beet Phone (Get it? Like the Bat Phone? Do you see what this is doing to me?) and said there was another couple interested. So now we need to meet the owner, and then he'll decide who gets it. Maybe you should wear a low-cut top (kidding). Maybe I should wear a low cut top. ;-) Anyway, he can meet with us tomorrow at 12:15, so...good lunch break?

So, at the beet farm, Dwight's cousin Mose keeps whittling things for me--some of them look phallic. Last night, he placed one on my chest while I was asleep. I'm not kidding. This morning, I woke up with this wooden thing on me! It looked a little bit like Shirley Temple. I know that because Angela brought over a movie to watch last night--it was pleasing and wholesome. (Good guess! Those are not my words.) Mose sat thisclose to me. If you decide not to marry me, I think I have a really good chance with Mose, but I'll have to move to Massachusetts to make an honest man of him. Just so you know, it's in the same time zone... :-)

About the flowers, you know what? The flowers are fine. You have nice taste, even though I don't like that they're just like the ones Phyllis had. I just need to live with you. Not just because living at the beet farm is insane. I really need to be with you.

I forgot to tell you--Michael didn't come out of his office at all yesterday after you left. What did you say to him?

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Subject: Let's go over to Pam Beetsly for the follow-up
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/20/2008 9:05 AM
To: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com

We'll just be ourselves when we meet the owner; it'll be fine. Plus, everyone loves you. (Really--I took a poll!) We'll get the apartment. Maybe you should polish the Beetmobile to make extra sure we make a good impression. ;-)

Maybe Mose can whittle flowers for us--I'm sure he will if you ask. ;-) And will you ever let me live down that time zone thing? Seriously, banish that from your memory. Besides, I know all of the time zones now. And you're not moving anywhere except into the new apartment. You'll break it in for us. :-)

My flowers aren't like Phyllis's--hers were like mine. She copied my whole wedding. (Um, her dress might have been a larger size. Shh! I didn't say that!)

Re: Michael--I threatened him with Jan (again). Jan living with Michael is like the gift that keeps on giving.

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Subject: No Subject
From: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/20/2008 11:35 AM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

I feel you may have misinterpreted my email yesterday. I only meant that Jim clearly misses you very much and perhaps you could allow him to sleep on your couch until he finds a more appropriate place to stay. I'm sure it would be much better for all involved if you let him stay with you. If you feel you need a chaperone, Mose seems quite taken with Jim. I'm sure he'd be happy to curl up on a floor somewhere.

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Subject: Update on a certain situation
From: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/20/2008 11:37 AM
To: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com

I'm going to use kindness to convince Pam that she needs to let Jim move in with her. Reverend Miller suggested it when I spoke with him discreetly about the situation. I'm willing to try this, since she didn't respond to logic yesterday.

At lunchtime, I will be taking a brisk walk around the neighborhood. It would be a shame to waste this nice weather. I may be walking on some streets which are not well-traveled. It's possible that I'll need protection.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

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Subject: Check your desk
From: MScott@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/20/2008 12:15 PM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

I need a Pambulance! I'm dying of laughter! I left a note on your desk with a web link on it. Could you send it to all our office compadres, pronto? Also Todd Packer and anyone else you think could use a little fun today. It's hilarious! (Don't send it to Toby--he doesn't deserve any fun.)

You don't have to say it was from me--you can have all the credit.

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Subject: Re: Check your desk
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/20/2008 12:17 PM
To: MScott@DunderMifflin.com

We've been through this, Michael. Corporate doesn't want you emailing this kind of link, and I won't do it for you. Of course, I could email it to Toby, Ryan, and Kendall to see if they approve...

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Subject: Thank you. You are doing a fine job.
From: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/20/2008 12:58 PM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

Thank you for considering the corporate deadline for those financial reports. Attention to detail is a fine quality in a receptionist.

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Subject: Re: Re: Check your desk
From: MScott@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/20/2008 1:23 PM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

Never mind about that link. I was just kidding. I can't believe you thought I was serious. That's hilarious! Thank you.

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Subject: Hello!
From: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/20/2008 12:53 PM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

I really like your sweater. Is it new?

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Subject: Hell Has Frozen Over
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/20/2008 12:55 PM
To: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com

Hey, Angela's being her version of nice. Be on the watch for weirdness with Dwight.

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Subject: Re: Hell Has Frozen Over
From: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/20/2008 12:59 PM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

I constantly watch for weirdness with Dwight. I shouldn't need to tell you these things, Pam; this is basic stuff, like Dwight 101. ;-)

The flowers are fine--I just don't want a bunch of reminders from Phyllis's wedding, but seriously that's fine about the flowers. What's next on the list? :-)

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Subject: Re: Update on a certain situation
From: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/20/2008 2:00 PM
To: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com

Monkey,

I have a plan of my own that will cause Jim to leave the beet farm in no time, even if he has to sleep under his desk here. My only concern is that it relies on Mose's acting abilities, and as you know, Mose is no Mutie the Mailman. At best, he's a villager. But he's doing all right so far, and if my plan works, it's going to be astounding.

Possum

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

Subject: Save Me!
From: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/21/2008 8:32 AM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

Last night was the worst so far. I woke up in the middle of the night and Mose was sitting in a rocking chair next to my bed. When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was making sure I was still breathing!!! I helped him move the rocking chair to his room, but this morning, it was back in mine. So I asked Dwight if I could have bedroom 7, because it has a door that locks (from the inside--mine locks from the outside!) He said (and I quote) "Bedroom 7 is where we slaughter the pigs." It's like Deliverance there.

Hey, I can tell you're actually doing real work. I should probably do some of that, too. I hope our meeting with the owner goes well today--I really have to get off that beet farm.

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Subject: Re: Save Me!
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/21/2008 8:47 AM
To: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com

Dwight's just trying to scare you. Google ‘pig' and ‘slaughter.' No, actually, don't--it's gross. But trust me--not even Dwight would slaughter a pig in a bedroom with no running water. But if I'm wrong and you're in any actual danger, I'll be there right away to rescue you. Just use the Beet-Signal! (See? You're not the only one who can make silly beet puns. ;-))

Oh, and about once a week I try to get in a few minutes of real work--today's the day! ;-)

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Subject: Update on Efficiency Plan
From: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/21/2008 8:52 AM
To: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com

My plan with Mose doesn't seem to be working--Jim shows no sign of leaving, and he's been scoping out the rest of the farmhouse and asking for more space. I guess it's not enough that he stored all his stuff in the barn. I'd be doing him a favor if I put half of it on the burn pile. He's a packrat in a minimalist world. It's pathetic. Also: unsanitary.

Fact: Mose is useless as an ally. Plus, the dogs are staying far away from Jim. I think I'll put some meat outside his window.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

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Subject: Re: Update on Efficiency Plan
From: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/21/2008 8:54 AM
To: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com

Clearly, your plan would have been more successful if you had chosen me as your ally instead of your cousin Mose.

Fortunately, I have a plan also. I may let you help.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

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Subject: You Were Warned
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/21/2008 10:36 AM
To: MScott@DunderMifflin.com

Michael, for the last time, stop offering us the conference room to ‘do it' in. I know that you're trying to get Rick to set up cameras in there, too. None of that will happen.

By the way, I called Jan and told her you'd be home for lunch today by noon. She said you should have a snack before you go, because you'll be tied up and won't have time to eat. I pushed your 1:00 appointment back to 2:00.

Maybe the next time I tell you to stop something, you'll stop.

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Subject: Financial Reports Attached
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/21/2008 11:48 AM
To: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com

Your financial reports are complete and attached. I'll send them to corporate accounting by the end of the day unless you have comments. Jim and I have an appointment about an apartment; I'll be back by 1:30.

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Subject: Make the sale! We have to go!
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/21/2008 12:02 PM
To: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com

Are you almost done with your phone call? We need to get going if we want to meet the owner...Don't worry, we'll get the apartment. Who could resist us? We're the perfect tenants. ;-)

I had something else to tell you--what was it? Oh, before your phone rang, you asked why Michael looked so nervous when he left. I told him earlier that Jan said he'd be ‘tied up' at lunch and wouldn't have time to eat. Really, though, she has homemade potato salad and bratwurst for him. Was I too mean, telling him that? (Before you answer, you should know that he was talking about ‘the private conference room of love' again.) ;-)

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Subject: Re: Financial Reports Attached
From: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/21/2008 1:18 PM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

Thank you for generating those financial reports for me. Your performance of the task was adequate and timely. I would appreciate it if you would send those along to Corporate immediately.

I am very interested in hearing about your apartment search and your appointment today. Perhaps I can help you with your efforts.

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Subject: Re: Re: Financial Reports Attached
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/21/2008 1:32 PM
To: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com

Your reports have been sent--receipt was confirmed by Bob Eardy in corporate accounting.

Thanks for the offer to help, but we're really hoping to get this place over on Colfax. We met with the owner today and it went really well. He still has another couple to meet, but if he likes us better than them, we'll get it.

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Subject: Re: Make the sale! We have to go!
From: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/21/2008 2:02 PM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

OMG! When I saw this before we went out, I only looked at the title--I didn't realize there was more here. I finally just got a chance to read it.

Now I understand why Michael called you a tricky minx when we came in. By the way, that was disgusting. I'll have to talk with him about what he's allowed to call the future Mrs. Halpert. Minx will not be on the list. Maybe he should call you...pure EVIL! (I love it!)

I have a really good feeling about the apartment.

I forgot to tell you that I picked the 3rd highest amount of beets last night (I ‘beet' out 2 Mannheim cousins and 1 Schrute!) I would have been second, but I lost time laughing hysterically when Dwight fell for my werewolf prank. It was a full moon--how could I waste that kind of opportunity? :-)

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Subject: Alternate Efficiency Plan
From: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/21/2008 4:14 PM
To: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com

I have decided you can help me with my plan. You need to meet with a couple at 5 PM tonight and impersonate an apartment owner--I left the name and address under your keyboard. Make it clear to the couple right away that they aren't the sorts of tenants you want, and soon Jim will be off the beet farm forever.

I may be here a bit late tonight, in case you would like to stop by with good news for me.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

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Subject: Re: Alternate Efficiency Plan
From: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/21/2008 4:16 PM
To: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com

I will have good news for you. You can count on me. Question: Will there be refreshments tonight?

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

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Subject: Re: Re: Alternate Efficiency Plan
From: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/21/2008 4:17 PM
To: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com

If you have good news, refreshments will be made available. Otherwise, you'll go hungry.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

Subject: Off the beeten track
From: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/22/2008 8:00 AM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

Oh, my God, you won't believe this! Mose told me last night that he couldn't keep up the façade anymore (Yeah, he actually said façade, I guess he's been off the beet farm once or twice, anyway. He did pronounce it ‘fakade,' though, so...maybe not.) Turns out, Dwight told him to do all that stuff to try to scare me off the farm.

Mose is actually kind of okay. He wanted pointers on how to dominate Dwight. He's been around Dwight way too long, though, because he said to me, "Help me, Jim Halpert. You're my only hope." I gave him some tips anyway, mostly from sites on dog training and war theory. (I hope those help. ;-))

I guess the only thing that was Mose's idea was whittling the Shirley Temple thing--he thought I really enjoyed the movie. (???)

But even if Mose was as weird as I thought he was, it wouldn't even matter, because the owner called. I guess the woman from the other couple called him and said something about the apartment that...well, I guess she was really rude and judgmental, and then she wouldn't even apologize. So, it's ours! The apartment is ours and I can move in anytime! Bye-bye, beet farm!

The bad thing is that the dogs were scratching around outside my window last night - scary.

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Subject: You should work on your office decorum
From: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/22/2008 8:28 AM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

I noticed you squealed and ran to Jim for a hug. It was quick, but nonetheless inappropriate, for a place of work, but I assume it means you have good news on your apartment hunt. Congratulations. The other couple must not have worked out, thank God.

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Subject: Re: You should work on your office decorum
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/22/2008 9:10 AM
To: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com

We do have good news on our apartment hunt--Jim can move in right away, so we're going to move him tonight. I'm really happy.

The email subject line you chose was interesting. You may be interested to know that I left something here yesterday and had to come back for it. That was a little before 6 PM. You might want to work on your after-hours office decorum. I'm just glad Michael didn't get a peek at that. You'd never hear the end of it.

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Subject: Thank you
From: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/22/2008 9:10 AM
To: AMartin @DunderMifflin.com

Angela, I never thought I'd have reason to say this to you, but thank you. If you want to know how I knew, telling the owner that you thought hardwood floors were ‘whorish' was a dead giveaway. But thank you anyway.

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Subject: Re: Thank you
From: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/22/2008 9:14 AM
To: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com

I have no idea what you mean. I'm sure you have nothing to thank me for.

However, if you want to cover your hardwood floors (which can be glaring to the eyes and also slippery), you may want to look at Buckingham Oriental over on North Main. I noticed they're having a sale. The rugs look nice in the windows--very pleasing and tasteful. Actually, they may not be right for you.

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Subject: Alternate Efficiency Plan-Successful
From: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/22/2008 9:42 AM
To: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com

Jim will be moving tonight. I feel a night of baking would be welcome.

However, we should talk about future at-work refreshments. We need to be more careful.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

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Subject: Re: Alternate Efficiency Plan-Successful
From: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/22/2008 10:03 AM
To: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com

YES! This makes up for Kelly Kapoor asking me today if the "Starbucks guy on Battlestar Craptica" is as cute as she heard. I think Jim put her up to that. That's exactly his style of misinformation and insult. I will be so glad to get rid of that slacker and get the beet farm back to normal.

Congratulations on the success of your plan. Perhaps you could give me pointers sometime on putting together a plan like that, particularly the logistics of it.

A night of baking would be most welcome.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

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Subject: Re: Re: Alternate Efficiency Plan-Successful
From: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/22/2008 10:47 AM
To: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com

Kelly is an idiot.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

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Subject: A Truck: Your Path to Freedom!!! ;)
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/22/2008 1:16 PM
To: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com

I see you're busy with Michael. Trying to keep him from turning the conference room into a fort?

I rented a truck for tonight. You're welcome. :-) I'll come by after work and we can load it up--no more nights on the beet farm. I'll whittle you something in celebration. ;-)

Hey, why'd you say the other day that you didn't want to be reminded of Phyllis's wedding? You were having a great time. I was the one who was miserable. :-( I'm glad things are different now. :-)

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Subject: Re: A Truck: Your Path to Freedom!!! ;)
From: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/22/2008 2:45 PM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

I wish you were at your desk right now so I could talk to you. Actually, maybe this is easier in an email.

I can't believe you thought I had fun at Phyllis's wedding. I didn't. You looked more gorgeous than I'd ever seen you, and you weren't mine. I couldn't hold you, and I couldn't touch you, and I couldn't take you home with me, and then you went home with Roy. I hated Phyllis's wedding. I cannot even tell you how much I hated that wedding.

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Subject: Paging Pamela Beesly to do her job...!
From: MScott@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/22/2008 3:13 PM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

Pamway! I don't know where you and Jim ran off to, but from the looks of things, you oughta get a room, you know what I'm sayin'? I hope you guys haven't gone for the day though, because I had some really neat ideas I wanted to talk over with Jim and I wanted you to take notes.

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Subject: Stating the obvious
From: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/22/2008 3:57 PM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

We need a bigger car.

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Subject: Pamela Beesly is doing her job...!
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/22/2008 4:15 PM
To: MScott@DunderMifflin.com

Michael, I set up a meeting for you and Jim tomorrow at 10; I'll take notes. Jim and I don't need to get a room--we got a whole apartment!

We're moving tonight, so wish us luck.

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Subject: Re: Stating the obvious
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/22/2008 5:00 PM
To: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com

When we really need a bigger car, we'll get a bigger car, like when we have a family. ;-) Maybe you should avoid doing things in cars that you're too tall to do in cars. Not that I'm complaining--I was plenty comfortable. ;-)

So, I talked to my mom. She's going to come on Sunday and we can go over all the wedding ideas from the top. Nothing is really set in stone--we can change anything we want to change. We can elope if we want to. We'll start over and make it ours. (Plus, then mom can see the new place! Yay!)

I'm going to go pick up the truck. See you later at the beet farm. Love you.

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Subject: Re: Pamela Beesly is doing her job...!
From: MScott@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/22/2008 5:01 PM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
cc: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com

Wish you luck? I'll do better than that! I'll help you. It'll be like college, where everybody helps everybody else move into the frat house. And Jim and I will be like the frat brothers, and you'll come from the sorority next door to give a hand. Alpha Beta Zeta-Jones!

Then we can go get pizza. Where are the nearest ‘za joints to your new place?

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Subject: Party, Party, Party!
From: MScott@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/22/2008 5:05 PM
To: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com

I was going to help Jim move, but then he said something about you having a beat party, so now I'm just going to help him load up his stuff from the farm, and then I'll stay with you. Why didn't you tell me about the party earlier? You know I'm crazy for music! We got the beat! We got the beat! (Indigo Girls!) I am down for the beat party! Put me dowwwwn for the beat party.

So, to save gas, I'm just going to let you drive me to my condo, where I'll get my moving clothes and my party clothes. Then you can drive me to your house, we'll load up Jimbo's stuff, see him off, and then party like it's 1999! I already told Jan I'd be staying at your house. Crank up the itunes!

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Subject: I'm sorry--this is the opportunity of a lifetime!
From: DSchrute @DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/22/2008 5:06 PM
To: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com

Change of plans. Michael is coming to help Jim move and to pick beets. I know we were both hoping to bake tonight, but Michael is finally taking an interest in the beet farm, and I want to encourage that. He'll see that I know how to run a business--our sacrifice tonight will not be in vain.

He's only going to stay one night. Tomorrow night is ours. We can bake a double batch.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

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Subject: I'm sorry--this is the opportunity of a lifetime!
From: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/22/2008 5:15 PM
To: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com

Fine. But if Michael ends up overstaying his welcome, I orchestrate the plan.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

Subject: Update on Schrute Farms
From: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/23/2008 8:08 AM
To: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com

Well, Jim's gone, but he left chaos in his wake. The dogs were in a frenzy when he went and it took about an hour to corral them in the barn. They didn't calm down until we bathed them twice. Michael insisted on getting in the bathing troth with the dogs, and then he splashed Mose and me and yelled "Wet T-shirt contest!" I have to wonder about Michael's power of observation, though, because he said Mose won. My chest musculature is clearly superior.

Mose took his victory to heart, though--he was insufferable the rest of the evening, even while we picked. Then when I woke up this morning, all my shuffleboard trophies were in a pyramid in the corner of my room and my 4-H prize-winning ribbons were pinned to the ceiling spelling out "Mose rules, Dwight drools." When I confronted Mose, he informed me he was clearing bedrooms 4, 5, and 6 for his personal use, and I could have bedrooms 7 through 9. I have no idea what happened to him. Perhaps you could think of a plan to put him in his place.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

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Subject: Best Apartment Ever!
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/23/2008 8:58 AM
To: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com

Did you hear that sound of disgust from Angela? I wonder what's bothering her now. I'm not going to worry about it, though, because...

I LOVE THE APARTMENT! I'm so glad we got it. Don't bother filling up the closets, because I'll take 2/3 of them soon enough.

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Subject: Re: Best Apartment Ever!
From: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/23/2008 9:03 AM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

I love the apartment, too! I especially love that you stayed there last night. What a difference a day makes - yesterday I woke up at the beet farm to a hearty breakfast of beet pancakes, and today I woke up to you. You can have all the closet space you want. But if you take up more than 2/3 of it, I'll have to get rid of some clothes and be naked half the time. You've been warned.

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Subject: Re: Re: Best Apartment Ever!
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/23/2008 9:05 AM
To: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com

Thanks for the warning. And just in case you forgot the whole Seinfeld good naked/bad naked thing...

Good naked: in bed with me; anywhere that I'm naked; in the shower, with or without me.

Bad naked: answering the door for the pizza delivery guy; cooking; sanding floors; anything not listed under ‘Good naked.'

2/3 of the closets will be fine for me. ;-)

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Subject: Business Knowledge
From: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/23/2008 9:07 AM
To: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com

What Mose did in your bedroom is unacceptable, as is his claim to bedrooms 4 through 6. The kind of man I want for a mate would take a very hard line in this situation. If Mose were your child, would you let him run roughshod over you like this?

I hope you impressed Michael with your business knowledge, since that's why our plans had to change.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

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Subject: You Would Love Schrute Farms!
From: MScott@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/23/2008 9:16 AM
To: JLevinsonScott@gmail.com

You know how, if I try really hard, sometimes I'm just great at things, without even trying? I could be an awesome farmer. It turned out the beat party was really a beet party, where we picked beets, but I was a really good picker. Dwight and Mose couldn't even keep up with me. I said "Eat my soil, Schrutes!" (That's what us farmers call dirt. I'm a natural!)

Mose is Dwight's cousin and I thought he was going to be a big weirdo, but instead he just has this really neat way about him, where he can say so much in a few words. I never understood when they said ‘strong, silent type' before, but now I do. Plus, he's not a big nerd like Dwight. Do you think I should grow a beard? I think maybe I'd look good in one, but it might scratch you too much when I go "Brbrbrbrbr!" What do you think? Is Mount Janimanjaro ready for a bearded motorboat?

I think you might like picking beets under the moon and the stars. It was really romantic last night. I was almost overcome with the moment. You should come back there with me, maybe tonight. It's all-inclusive, like Sandals, Jamaica, mon!

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Subject: Re: Business Knowledge
From: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/23/2008 9:32 AM
To: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com

Michael had no understanding of farming as a business, and he could never, ever be a farmer, not in a million, billion years. The whole thing was a bust. I was trying to talk with Michael during the beet picking party about beet farming, and how it relates to paper. But all he wanted to do was listen to Mose, who talked non-stop (four or five sentences in only four hours) about Jim and how good he was at picking, and how he fit into the farm like a Schrute (which was laughable. Also untrue.) I didn't even bother with Name that Beet, since all Michael could do was fawn over Mose.

After that, Michael was trying to show he could do everything better than Jim, and he was overzealous in his picking. We lost him for a while, and when we found him, he was trying to find beets to pick in the field with contested ownership. I sent Mose out later to cover our tracks, so the Devereaux family couldn't use it in the pending lawsuit. Mose was surly about going. I wonder if that could explain his attempted room coup this morning. The Mose situation is disturbing, but I will get it under control. You will see that I am a worthy mate. But even the fiercest champion depends upon his female to help take down his foes.

Speaking of foes, looking for Michael caused us to be late patrolling the farm, which in turn meant we weren't in time to catch the beet thieves. It was the north field near the cemetery again--there were beet greens everywhere! I wish they hadn't published that study about beets being an aphrodisiac. Damned teens and their internet access! I said that sort of information should only be for adult dissemination and Michael giggled and said "that's what she said." He doesn't understand at all. Beet thievery is a serious offense. Every beet taken is food off our table.

I'm not inviting Michael to Schrute Farms again, no matter how much he wants to come and see Mose.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

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Subject: 10 AM meeting
From: MScott@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/23/2008 9:35 AM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

Pamela Lee Halpertson! Cancel the 10:00 meeting with Jim for me, okay? I wanted to talk about a ‘Hotness in the Workplace' seminar, but we can talk about it next week, instead. It'll wait! It's not like people are going to get more or less hot in a week, right?

Plus, I'm working on getting one more hottie in here--Dwight's cousin Mose. I thought he could take over Ryan's old duties, and be eye-candy for you ladies. I know you'll want to check him out. You're engaged, but you're not dead, right?

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Subject: Re: 10 AM meeting
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/23/2008 9:40 AM
To: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com
cc: MScott@DunderMifflin.com

Your 10:00 meeting with Michael has been canceled. It was to be a discussion of an upcoming ‘Hotness in the Workplace' seminar.

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Subject: Our Week in Review!!!
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/23/2008 10:57 AM
To: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com

Let's sum up our week. You survived living on the beet farm for a while and you gathered intel on the enemy for future battles. We got a great newlywed apartment, thanks in part to some incredibly rude woman. You've made a lifelong friend in Mose (he called this morning, by the way. I think he misses you, plus you left your Shirley Temple figure there.) And finally, for the rest of my life, I'll be able to look back on this great image of you running from the farmhouse, arms waving, yelling "Beet farm dogs! Go! Go!" It's a good thing we'd already packed up the truck. You're right about those dogs. They're crazy.

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Subject: Re: Our Week in Review!!!
From: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/23/2008 11:15 AM
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

The dogs may have been sprinkled at the last moment with a mixture of beet juice, Scent-A-Way, and gravy. It's also possible that some of the mixture spilled on my shoes and pants.

You know, when you sum up the week like that...not a bad week. :-)

I forgot to mention to you--I left some metal parts and some drawings of Terminator arm designs hidden under a board I loosened. Sort of a time-delayed prank. Tick, tick, tick...

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Subject: Harassment Rules
From: TFlenderson@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/23/2008 1:17 PM
To: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com

I had an interesting discussion with your cousin Mose earlier. Apparently Michael has called him a number of times today trying to hire him. Please tell Mose that I'm sorry, but I can't file a harassment charge against Michael unless the complainant (the person against whom the alleged harassment has taken place) is or has been a Dunder Mifflin employee. I did check all the rules to see if there was any way I could do it. I really tried.

He may want to consider a restraining order instead. Or maybe just not answering the phone for a while. Michael sometimes forgets about things after a few days.

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Subject: Re: Harassment Rules
From: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/23/2008 1:25 PM
To: TFlenderson@DunderMifflin.com

I'll tell Mose. It's curious, I didn't hear about this from Mose or Michael. As Mose's closest cousin and ranking #3 here at the office, I should have been informed about any offers going out. At least Mose has the good sense not to come here and try to compete with me in the paper business.

Question: Is there any sort of rule about co-workers staying with each other? Schrute Farms is a working farm, not a halfway house for down-and-out Dunder Mifflin men.

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Subject: Re: Re: Harassment Rules
From: TFlenderson@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/23/2008 2:35 PM
To: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com

There are rules that co-workers who are dating and/or cohabitating need to disclose it to HR, and in some cases, sign a waiver. This isn't the same sort of situation, but just mentioning it to Michael in passing may help you out.

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Subject: You and Dwight are idiots
From: MScott@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/23/2008 3:52 PM
To: TFlenderson@DunderMifflin.com

This is disgusting. Dwight just asked me to sign one of those love contracts to give to you. I don't know what you two skeevy little pervs were thinking. I'm also withdrawing my offer to Mose Schrute to be my Beverage and Errand Assistant.

I don't even want to see your face anymore today. You should just go home. Make sure to cover up with a manila folder or something as you go by my office.

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Subject: The coast is clear
From: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/23/2008 3:55 PM
To: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com

We will have no unwanted Dunder Mifflin visitors at the farm this weekend. I have a plan to take back bedroom 4 by dawn, and bedrooms 5 and 6 by the end of the weekend. I will need your help. There will still be time for cookies.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

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Subject: Re: The coast is clear
From: AMartin@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/23/2008 4:24 PM
To: DSchrute@DunderMifflin.com

I look forward to hearing about your plan. Planning and cookies go well together.

Perhaps we can go over these beet studies you talked about, also. We may be able to disprove the aphrodisiac qualities of beets, and cut down on the beet thievery. Alternately, we could prove the theories, and add mention of it to the Schrute Farms leaflet given out at the Farmer's Market. We may increase sales in this way. We will need to conduct very thorough research to determine the truth. It may take many evenings and weekends.

Sunday morning will still be reserved for church. Reverend Miller will be glad to hear that the situation with Jim at the beet farm was resolved.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

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Subject: Jan called...
From: PamBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/23/2008 5:00 PM
To: MScott@gmail.com

Jan called; I told her you were on a conference call and I wasn't sure when you'd be able to get home. Enjoy your freedom the rest of the afternoon.

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Subject: On my way home...
From: MScott@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/23/2008 5:07 PM
To: JLevinsonScott@gmail.com

I'm finished with the conference call Pam told you about and coming home in a few minutes. Since you probably haven't started dinner, I'm going to pick up some ‘za, and one of those Caesar salads you like, and maybe a little dessert. After dinner, let's go look out on the back deck and look at moon and the stars. We don't need a stupid beet farm to do that!

Maybe we should plant a little vegetable garden this weekend.

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Subject: It's Friday!
From: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/23/2008
To: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com

It's Friday! Two days ahead of us where we don't have to be here and don't have to think about beets. Unless...you know, we could totally rent Beetman Returns. ;-) Seriously, I'm looking forward to two days of unpacking the new apartment and planning our wedding to make it ours.

You know I don't mind if you want to keep your apartment, right? We don't have to live together until after the wedding.

So tonight, should we not live together at your place, or our place? Awaiting a decision. <3

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Subject: Re: It's Friday!
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/23/2008
To: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com

Our place. Love you.

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