JHalpert: I think you should re-consider.

PBeesly: It’s nice to know you care so much about our relationship Jim.

JHalpert: It should be nice to know Pam! I’m thinking of us.

PBeesly: Oh so going out with Ryan would help us?

JHalpert: Absolutely it would.

PBeesly: Do I dare ask why?

JHalpert: Pam he’s our boss.

PBeesly: Oh of course!

JHalpert: Think about the benefits of sleeping with your boss… in fact, just ask Michael!

PBeesly: I hate you.

JHalpert: You so don’t.

PBeesly: :-p

JHalpert: Has it ever occurred to you that telling your own admitted true love you hate them might be taken the wrong way Beesly?

PBeesly: No… You did just tell me to cheat on you.

JHalpert: Touché.

JHalpert: But seriously? You don’t mind one bit?

PBeesly: Not a microscopic dot Jim.

JHalpert: That’s comforting.

PBeesly: You know why?

JHalpert: Why?

PBeesly: ‘Cos it’s Opposite Day.

JHalpert: …Opposite Day?

PBeesly: Yes!

JHalpert: Isn’t that that 3rd grader thing where everything you say is the opposite to what you mean?

PBeesly: The one and only Jim.

JHalpert: Ah.

PBeesly: So when I say I hate you on Opposite Day, what does that mean?

JHalpert: That you love me?

PBeesly: Bingo!

JHalpert: Oh that makes perfect sense… so by that logic, telling you to re-consider going out with Ryan means that I don’t want you to.

PBeesly: It sure does.

JHalpert: But I don’t think that. I really think you should go to dinner with him.

PBeesly: Now you’re getting the hang of it.

JHalpert: What makes you think I’m speaking in opposites?

PBeesly: It’s Opposite Day… I thought we went through this.

JHalpert: But if it’s Opposite Day… then it actually isn’t.

PBeesly: What?

JHalpert: Hey I asked you first.

PBeesly: …No you didn’t.

JHalpert: Yes I did.

PBeesly: What??

JHalpert: Jeez Pam stick to your own rules!

JHalpert: And keep the laughs coming. You are not getting any strange looks from Stanley at all.

PBeesly: Oh come on. Stanley cares that I’m laughing at nothing?

JHalpert: On Opposite Day he does.

PBeesly: Of course he does.

JHalpert:-D

PBeesly: I hate you.

JHalpert: Ditto Pam, ditto.

PBeesly: OK Opposite Day is officially on hold.

JHalpert: Umm… I don’t think you can put a national day on hold just because it’s confusing you Pam.

PBeesly: It was my idea in the first place.

JHalpert: You invented Opposite Day? That’s a pretty big achievement.

PBeesly: Keep it up, Jim. Ryan’s still here.

JHalpert: Whoa! When did you become so feisty?

PBeesly: That’s what she said.

JHalpert: Again Pam?

PBeesly: I know. I think I need help.

JHalpert: You so do…not.

PBeesly: Dammit! Stop being so funny!

JHalpert: You look like you’re enjoying it.

PBeesly: That’s an illusion Jim.

PBeesly: It’s all in you’re head.

PBeesly: Maybe you need help.

JHalpert: Ok have you made your point?

PBeesly: Yes.

JHalpert: Good.

PBeesly: No.

JHalpert: Oh.

PBeesly: What’s my point again?

JHalpert: You can tell me you hate me on Opposite Day which just happens to be every single day you say it.

PBeesly: Right.

JHalpert: And Opposite Day is really short.

PBeesly: It is?

JHalpert: It only lasts for that one sentence and then its Non-Opposite Day again… a.k.a … normal.

PBeesly: Oh… that doesn’t make sense.

JHalpert: You thought it up Pam.

PBeesly: I did?

JHalpert: Yeah.

PBeesly: You just refined the idea.

JHalpert: Exactly.

PBeesly: Well… no offence but you didn’t do a great job.

JHalpert: You have a better definition?

PBeesly: Absolutely I do.

JHalpert: Ok…?

PBeesly: Ok I call it: Pamopposite?

JHalpert: …Pamopposite?

PBeesly: Yep.

JHalpert: That’s original. I wonder what it means.

PBeesly: Ok it means that when I say something like ‘I hate you’, I’m Pamopposit…ising.

JHalpert: Oh God it’s getting longer.

PBeesly: Shut up.

JHalpert: You’re so sweet.

JHalpert: Is that a Pamopposite?

PBeesly: No. I really think you should stop talking.

JHalpert:…

PBeesly: So ‘I hate you’ is Pamopposite for ‘I love you’.

JHalpert: Then what does ‘I love you’ mean?

PBeesly: It means ‘I love you’.

JHalpert: …Cool.

PBeesly: I thought you’d like it.

JHalpert: So what else is a Pamopposite?

PBeesly: You sound like you’re warming to the idea.

JHalpert: I might be getting there.

JHalpert: That’s what she said.

PBeesly: I hate you.

JHalpert: I love you too.

PBeesly: Hey.

JHalpert: How’s bed?

PBeesly: It’s covered in snotty tissues.

JHalpert: That’s a nice image.

JHalpert: I’ll come see you at lunch.

PBeesly: You don’t have to its fine.

JHalpert: Pam you need your chicken soup.

PBeesly: You made chicken soup?

JHalpert: Well no… but I can buy you chicken soup.

PBeesly: You’re so sweet.

JHalpert: I know.

JHalpert: Oh my God!

PBeesly: What?

JHalpert: Dwight’s crying.

PBeesly: What??

JHalpert: He’s sitting in front of me, his head on the desk, bawling his eyes out!

PBeesly: No way!

JHalpert: His glasses almost broke when he hit the desk!

PBeesly: Oh my God! What’s wrong?

JHalpert: I have no idea. He keeps saying something able feeble felines or something.

PBeesly: Are you serious?

JHalpert: Dead, cold, rigidly serious Pam.

PBeesly: Oh no! They must have broken up.

JHalpert: Who?

PBeesly: Dwight and Angela.

JHalpert: How did you get that from ‘feeble felines’? You really do have a sixth sense, you know that right?

PBeesly: No Angela thinks Dwight killed her cat.

JHalpert: What? Since when did you talk to Angela?

PBeesly: Jim, you’re not the only person I talk to in the office.

JHalpert: OK putting obvious questions aside for later, Michael’s noticed. He’s out.

PBeesly: Oh no! Get him away! Quick!

JHalpert: How am I supposed to do that??

PBeesly: How long have you been there Jim? You of all people should know you need to use your imagination.

JHalpert: Ok. I’m about to do the unthinkable… and protect Dwight’s feelings.

JHalpert: Well that was an overreaction.

PBeesly: What? What was? What happened?

JHalpert: Michael started calling him a baby and he just ran away to the bathroom. In a less than heterosexual way I might add.

PBeesly: Oh my God is he ok?

JHalpert: Not sure. Probably not.

PBeesly: Go check on him.

JHalpert: …I’m sorry?

PBeesly: He’s obviously really upset Jim! Go check on him!

JHalpert: Sorry Pam. I don’t do bathroom check ups.

PBeesly: What do you mean you don’t do bathroom check ups? This is Dwight!

JHalpert: Exactly Pam! This is Dwight! I’m sure he’ll look in the mirror, be horrified, shun himself for the rest of the day and be done with it.

PBeesly: Shun himself? How does that work?

JHalpert: Ask Dwight Pam. He’s the one who’s going to do it.

PBeesly: I’m just saying, you’ve been through a lot together and now Dwight might need a friend to help him okay Jim?

JHalpert: I’m sorry, you just used Dwight’s name and ‘friend’ in the same sentence. That does not make any sense.

PBeesly: Jim now is not the time to be a jerk.

JHalpert: I spent my entire time here and in Stamford thinking of ways to prank the guy. I wouldn’t really consider him my friend.

PBeesly: Don’t turn all macho on me now!

JHalpert: Wow. I seriously never thought I’d hear you tell me that…

PBeesly: Come oooonn! Man I can’t believe I’m not there to push you into the bathroom right now!

JHalpert: That’s what she said.

PBeesly: Ok I wish you were here. I totally rolled my eyes into the back of my head just then! The massive headache is improving my eye flexibility.

JHalpert: Are you serious? You’re going to have to show me at lunch time.

PBeesly: Totally! Wait I’m getting distracted.

JHalpert: No you’re not.

PBeesly: What’s happening???

JHalpert: Nothing.

PBeesly: Dwight’s still in the bathroom isn’t he?

JHalpert: No.

PBeesly: Oh my God you’re even a bad liar on IM!

JHalpert: Fine! I’ll check on him on one condition.

PBeesly: What?

JHalpert: We never speak of this moment ever again.

PBeesly: Damn! I was hoping to use it as a bit of black mail when I want you to do something for me.

JHalpert: No Pam. That is a very, very bad idea.

PBeesly: Fine!

JHalpert: Not good enough Pam. Repeat after me.

PBeesly: Are you seriously going to do this? Dwight could be totally fine by now.

JHalpert: Yes Pam. I am seriously going to do this. Repeat after me.

PBeesly: Oh God.

JHalpert: I, Pamela Beesly…

PBeesly: I, Pamela Beesly…

JHalpert: Do solemnly swear…

PBeesly: JIM! I’ll do your stupid cult secret thing later just check on Dwight!

JHalpert: Fine!

JHalpert: I’m back and I knew it was a bad idea.

PBeesly: What happened?

JHalpert: Michael saw me go in to talk to him.

PBeesly: Oh no.

JHalpert: Yeah. And basically he made a lot of gay jokes.

PBeesly: How does that work? He knows we’re together.

JHalpert: Does that bother Michael?

PBeesly: Good point.

PBeesly: But how’s Dwight?

JHalpert: Do I need to be worried about how much you’re asking about Dwight?

PBeesly: You’re funny. What happened?

JHalpert: Nothing really.

PBeesly: Oh come on!

JHalpert: It was man time Pam. You don’t talk about special man time.

PBeesly: After all that arguing and you’re not even going to tell me?? Do I need to do the ‘sick at home’ manipulation technique Jim? Because I will if I have to.

JHalpert: Sorry, how does that go?

PBeesly: You know what? It doesn’t matter. I’m feeling pretty bad anyway… I might need a bucket… damn it’s over in the kitchen… I’ll be back in a while… it’s hard to get that far.

JHalpert: Ok fine! I told him that he needed to suck it up and prove that he could do just as well without Angela as she seemed to be doing without him. Then he might be able to get her back. You don’t need to get a bucket do you?

PBeesly: It’s right next me. Don’t worry I haven’t used it yet.

JHalpert: Good.

JHalpert: Oh my God! That worked so well!

PBeesly: I know right?

JHalpert: Wow Pam. That’s impressive!

PBeesly: No stealing!

JHalpert: That’s fine I don’t think I’d be able to pull it off as well anyway!

PBeesly: No you’re probably right.

JHalpert: Hey it’s one. I can come see you now.

PBeesly: Yay! I need details!

JHalpert: That’s what she said.

JHalpert: Did you do the eye thing?

PBeesly: Yes!

JHalpert: Okay I am so leaving right now.

PBeesly: Quick Jim! Before I lose it!

JHalpert: Yeah I’m fine. I just wish I could cut out my tongue right now.

PBeesly: Dwight should know how to help you.

JHalpert: Does he keep a tongue scraper in his top drawer?

PBeesly: Who knows what he has. I found a snake skin in there one time.

JHalpert: Ugh. Snake skin probably wouldn’t work. I need water… or more jellybeans.

PBeesly: Why did you eat it if you hate it?

JHalpert: Pam it’s one shade darker than the purple jellybeans and they’re delicious! Stop enjoying this so much.

PBeesly: Your face is so funny!

JHalpert: I’m trying to find a spot in my mouth where I can’t taste it. I think I need to spit it out.

PBeesly: Just swallow! And then gulp down 5 cups of water.

JHalpert: Oh my God! This is disgusting! I’ve got to run to the water cooler. Why does it have to be so far away??

PBeesly: You have no idea how stupid that looked.

JHalpert: Aww I love you too Pam.

PBeesly: It looked so funny! It was like your face was too fast for your legs Jim!

JHalpert: That makes sense. It was like my tongue was pulling me.

PBeesly: Okay this is one of the weirdest conversations we’ve had.

JHalpert: Well it’s not everyday your tongue has a gravitational pull towards the water.

PBeesly: Is there anything else your tongue has a gravitational pull towards?

JHalpert: …No Pam, there isn’t.

PBeesly: Oh come on! That was a perfect set up for ‘that’s what she said’!

JHalpert: Too perfect. That’s the problem.

PBeesly: You are such a fun ruiner.

JHalpert: Fun ruiner? Is that even a word?

PBeesly: No. I just checked on spell check. It’s got a little red squiggly line.

JHalpert: Oh too bad.

PBeesly: But I guess your newly found super-tongue powers would come in handy if you’re ever stuck in the desert.

JHalpert: Ah you see its phrases like ‘super tongue powers’ that make me sure that this is a mature adult relationship.

PBeesly: Shut up.

JHalpert: Definitely. I think I need more jellybeans.

JHalpert: I think I just cheated on you.

PBeesly: You think? That’s not usually what people say.

JHalpert: Well I’m not entirely sure.

PBeesly: Ok… I’m not sure whether that line is part of the ‘cheater’s handbook’ either.

JHalpert: It all happened so fast.

PBeesly: Now we’re getting back on track. I’m pretty sure that’s on page 34, chapter 7: What to Say When Your Partner Inevitably Sees through Your Dirty Cheating Lies

JHalpert: I promise I’ll never do it again.

PBeesly: Same page.

JHalpert: Do I need to worry about the fact that you know of such a book?

PBeesly: Hey I thought I’ll just help you out a little bit. But do you care to tell me what’s happened?

JHalpert: Meredith just asked me to sign her caste.

PBeesly: How is that cheating?

JHalpert: She has a broken hip Pam. Where do you think her caste is?

PBeesly: OH MY GOD!

JHalpert: No Pam! This is NOT funny!

PBeesly: Says you!

JHalpert: Pam!

JHalpert: Get a grip!

JHalpert: Seriously!

PBeesly: I’ve got to tell someone!

JHalpert: Please tell me you were Pamoppositising.

JHalpert: This is not the average response to an affair Pam.

PBeesly: Well Jim it wasn’t exactly an average affair was it?

JHalpert: No! Stop it! You’re getting stares!

PBeesly: Oh Jim I love you.

JHalpert: I just cheated on you! What the hell Pam?

JHalpert: Oh look. Now the phones ringing and you’re crying. That’s great for the customers isn’t it?

PBeesly: Maybe I should have told them why I was crying.

JHalpert: You’re not going to forget about this anytime soon are you?

PBeesly: That’s what she said. And ‘she’ was in fact, me. And my response is: no Jim. Never ever.

PBeesly: Or who?

JHalpert: No Pam. He’s with Jan. Even if could, not even Michael is stupid enough to cheat on a crazy person.

PBeesly: Oh come on she can’t be that crazy.

JHalpert: I was there when she was fired remember? And yes Pam. Yes she is that crazy.

PBeesly: Maybe he’s gone to hide in an alleyway somewhere so he can eat his 18 layered pretzels in peace… he doesn’t want Jan to gain anymore weight.

JHalpert: And he’s sharing them with his new homeless best friend, Houseless Harry.

PBeesly: Or Alleyway Anne.

JHalpert: Wow. Are we not the coolest couple ever?

PBeesly: I haven’t met anyone better yet.

JHalpert: Would he really be able to keep that a secret?

PBeesly: Yeah, you’re right. He’d tell everyone… and probably ask us to come along… Unless he’s too scared to say anything.

JHalpert: Oh. Got it. Jan’s threatened to kill him.

PBeesly: Why would he go if he knows Jan’ll kill him?

JHalpert: You know Michael. He can’t resist a free coupon.

PBeesly: Hmm… Good point.

PBeesly: Jim that lacked so much imagination it saddens me.

JHalpert: That’s what she said.

PBeesly: Tango lessons?

JHalpert: With Dwight.

PBeesly: Tango lessons with Dwight?

JHalpert: It already says that on the screen doesn’t it?

PBeesly: It’s a little far-fetched don’t you think?

JHalpert: So is everything else we’ve said.

PBeesly: Hmm… ok convince me Halpert.

JHalpert: Well it’s easy. Tango lessons were Dwight and Angela’s favorite secret activity and when they broke up Dwight needed a new partner. So who’s the first person he’d think of for anything?

PBeesly: Michael.

JHalpert: Exactly. Tango lessons are definitely no exception.

PBeesly: And since Michael needs to get away from Crazy Jan, he’d do anything.

JHalpert: You’ve got it Beesly.

PBeesly: Impressive.

JHalpert: Thank you.

JHalpert: Wow.

PBeesly: Big huh?

JHalpert: Yeah! But why would he be so upset to miss dinner with us if he’s meeting the father of the mafia?

PBeesly: Well I’d rather have dinner with us than meet the mafia.

JHalpert: Yeah you’re right, me too.

JHalpert: Let me guess, Agent Michael Scarn?

PBeesly: Exactly! Maybe he’s off meeting Catherine Zeta-Jones right now and secretly saving the world.

JHalpert: Wow. I’ve just had a huge vision of Michael meeting with someone who looks a lot like Agent 99 from Get Smart.

PBeesly: Yeah! They’re meeting in the post box out the front.

JHalpert: Which is actually the entrance to a giant secret government headquarters.

PBeesly: Oh high-five.

JHalpert: Teamwork Pam, teamwork.

PBeesly: I’ve sent letters to my mom in that post box.

JHalpert: Pam as much as we all love Alleyway Anne…

PBeesly: You’re right. She’s too good for him.

JHalpert: Plus Houseless Harry has been secretly in love with Alleyway Anne for years.

PBeesly: And she’s been too pre-occupied with a Going Nowhere Relationship with Garbage Garry to realise she feels the same way for Houseless Harry.

JHalpert: Oh my God. We just summarized our past relationship with homeless people.

PBeesly: It can happen to anyone Jim.

JHalpert: Even someone with a lame same letter nickname?

PBeesly: Especially someone with a lame same letter nickname.

JHalpert: Banana Hammock.

PBeesly: Oh please. You think I can crack that easily?

JHalpert: Face it Pam. You’ll laugh at anything I say.

PBeesly: Hmm… Looks like I’m proving you wrong right now doesn’t it Halpert?

JHalpert: You’ll see Pam. The next thing I say is going to have you crying from cute little Pam Giggles.

PBeesly: That’s a pretty big statement. I hope you can back it up with evidence.

JHalpert: Dwight spent his entire weekend trying to get Mose out of their outhouse. He said Mose keeps seeing a stray beet in there and falling in trying to get it out.

JHalpert: What’s that Pam? Do I see smirk playing across those lovely lips?

PBeesly: No. That’s gross.

PBeesly: Why did he think he should get it if it’d been soaked in… stuff?

JHalpert: Waste not, want not Pam.

JHalpert: Covering your mouth with your hand doesn’t prove you’re not giggling Beesly.

PBeesly: I’m not covering a laugh! I’m covering my mouth in case I throw up on the keys.

JHalpert: Throw up a huge belly laugh you mean?

PBeesly: News Flash: You’re not as funny as you think you are Halpert.

JHalpert: Return News Flash: I kinda am.

PBeesly: Not true. I can make you snort with one word.

JHalpert: Oh sure. Prove it.

PBeesly: Crap.

PBeesly: Oh my gosh I had no idea that would work.

JHalpert: That’s because it didn’t Pam. I was scratching my nose.

PBeesly: And your hand just happened to conveniently cover your mouth as you did it.

JHalpert: Pam Beesly ladies and gentlemen. I’m sure you got an A+ for your 9th grade human anatomy essay.

PBeesly: Shut up.

JHalpert: You’re right Pam. The nose is in fact physically above the mouth on the human face.

PBeesly: You’re funny.

JHalpert: Oh really?

PBeesly: No! Damn. There’s no sarcastic tone button on the keyboard.

JHalpert: No. Right again Pam!

PBeesly: You’re not going to crack me.

JHalpert: Oh I think I am.

PBeesly: Not if I crack you first.

JHalpert: Well that’s impossible so…

PBeesly: Well it’s not so…

JHalpert: Come on. You know I’m right.

PBeesly: I’m sorry? Are you trying to convince me to give up? That seems like the cowards way out Jim.

JHalpert: I don’t like seeing you hurt Pam. I think it’s better for you if you don’t try mess with the master.

PBeesly: Oh really?

JHalpert: Absolutely.

PBeesly: Well Jim. You asked for it.

PBeesly: Fact: Dwight did not spend the weekend trying to get his cousin out of the outhouse. He spent the weekend with Michael, training him up for the next American Idol contest. He’s over the age limit but Michael was always known for having the voice of an angel in his early teens and with the help of Dwight’s famous intense Amish training techniques, they’re convinced Michael will make it through to the top 10 without a glitch.

JHalpert: Ok you did not just make that up then.

PBeesly: Of course I didn’t Jim. It’s all true.

JHalpert: What are the ‘intense Amish training techniques’ just out of interest?

PBeesly: Trust me Jim. You don’t want to know.

JHalpert: Come on. You have to tell me.

PBeesly: All I’ll say is that it involves some intense manure fights with Mose to get the voice box loose from all the screaming.

PBeesly: I got you!

JHalpert: No you didn’t.

PBeesly: You’re grinning! I know you’re grinning!

JHalpert: I’m not.

PBeesly: He says as he squeezes his cheeks.

JHalpert: I’m not.

PBeesly: Mose has a pet worm he met in the outhouse. He calls him Wormy the Pooh.

PBeesly: I have a snort!

JHalpert: Shut up.

PBeesly: I am the champion!

JHalpert: Put your arms down. You’re making a scene.

PBeesly: Good! I want the world to know that Pamela Beesly is the comedian of this relationship.

JHalpert: You won this round Ms Beesly. It won’t happen again.

PBeesly: Ok. You sound like the Joker from Batman or something.

JHalpert: The Joker? I think that’s a suitable title.

PBeesly: Previous conversations would prove otherwise Jim.

Quick note: It needs a little explaining to set the mood I think. It's really short for a couple of reasons. I think after that big, bright, beautiful display of affection, both of them wouldn't really be in a talking mood. Thinking about it makes me warm and happy. This is unfortunatley one of those moments where there is more said in the looks than the words. So an IM convo is going to be a little different. Also, I'm really not that great at the romantic stuff so this is all I could come up with lol. Enjoy!

JHalpert: Ditto… What’s that?

PBeesly: My kiss for you.

JHalpert: Oh thanks…

PBeesly: You’re welcome.

JHalpert: Bit of an odd kiss.

PBeesly: It’s little weird I guess.

JHalpert: I think mine was a little better though.

PBeesly: You think you can beat the amazing emoticon man?

JHalpert: Amazing. Would we say he’s amazing?

PBeesly: He kisses people for you using text. That’s pretty amazing.

JHalpert: Wait. I just got kissed by a guy?

PBeesly: It was from me. I’m not kissing a girl.

JHalpert: So it just went through a middle man?

PBeesly: I guess so.

JHalpert: Ok. You see there are two problems with that. The first is you would have to have kissed him to pass on the message. The second is he would then have to kiss me for me to receive it. Not you. That’s not cool.

PBeesly: Are you rejecting my kiss?

JHalpert: Well I’m definitely rejecting his kiss.

PBeesly: Well I think you’re too cute right now to have any sort of grudge against you.

JHalpert: I’m off the hook?

PBeesly: Totally. There is no hook. You’re completely hookless. You’re Hookless Jim.

JHalpert: Hookless Jim. I think that could catch on.

PBeesly: ‘Catch on’. Nice pun.

JHalpert: Do you have any idea how much you’re blushing? It’s kind of embarrassing.

PBeesly: Oh I see you’re already taking advantage of your new title.

JHalpert: If you got it, flaunt it.

PBeesly: That’s what she said.

JHalpert: You’re even cute when you’re disgusting.

PBeesly: I think there’s a compliment in there somewhere so thank you.

JHalpert: But let’s be honest, my kiss was a little better, don’t you think?

PBeesly: Ok yeah. Yours was way better.

JHalpert: Thank you! I think it’s about time I win in something.

PBeesly: Yeah you were getting left behind a bit in my awesomeness for a while there.

JHalpert: I don’t really mind.

PBeesly :-*

JHalpert: Hey! I thought we said that Emoticon Man wasn’t a good idea.

PBeesly: You’re so sweet what else am I supposed to say? I love you? That feels like a bit of an understatement right now.

JHalpert: You think Emoticon Man beats I love you?

PBeesly: He’s the Amazing Emoticon Man, Jim. What do you think?

JHalpert: I think ‘no. No he doesn’t.’

PBeesly: Fine then. I love you.

JHalpert: Thank you.

PBeesly: Like a lot.

JHalpert: A lot? Does that make you feel better?

PBeesly: Much. I’m ready for my Italian food.

JHalpert: I love Italian food.

JHalpert: Ok. You have to stop looking at me like that.

PBeesly: Looking at you like what?

JHalpert: Like someone died or something.

JHalpert: You know the scarf doesn’t help. You don’t need it anymore.

PBeesly: I like it.

JHalpert: Ok. But I took off the beret when the meeting finished.

PBeesly: You mean it fell off when you hung your head in shame and were asked to leave?

JHalpert: Same thing.

PBeesly: It’s kind of not.

JHalpert: Well how was I supposed to know Angela wasn’t the main character of Angela’s Ashes?

PBeesly: Reading it might have helped a tiny bit.

JHalpert: I’m just saying. Naming a book Angela’s Ashes and neither her or the ashes being the main character is false advertising.

PBeesly: Hmm… again. It’s really not.

JHalpert: Anyway. Looking forward to next month. The Da Vinci Code. Classic.

PBeesly: Oh you’re not coming back.

JHalpert: I’m sorry?

PBeesly: Oscar told you. You’re not coming back.

JHalpert: Yeah but… aren’t you going to fight a little bit?

PBeesly: You knew the rules Jim and you ignored them.

JHalpert: You sound like a principal or something.

PBeesly: Well I’m sorry Jim but we are going to have to expel you.

JHalpert: I can’t believe it!

PBeesly: Believe it Halpert.

JHalpert: It’s Toby, isn’t it? That bowtie got to you. You’re cheating on me.

PBeesly: I’m sorry. I couldn’t resist.

JHalpert: I knew it!

JHalpert: So the beret meant nothing?

PBeesly: I will always cherish our time together. But the accent got to me.

JHalpert: Oh come on! The accent was incredibly sexy! Oscar was ready to pounce I’m sure of it!

PBeesly: Yeah that’s why he wanted you to stop right?

JHalpert: He was confused Pam. He didn’t know what he was saying.

PBeesly: Because Oscar’s a very confused man isn’t he Jim?

JHalpert: Well take a look at me Pam. I personally don’t blame him.

PBeesly: You’re just saying this so you hear how good you looked in that beret, aren’t you?

JHalpert: I haven’t heard what I wanted Pam.

PBeesly: You looked very… Irish.

JHalpert: Damn right I did. Don’t forget that Beesly.

JHalpert: You know I’m a little disappointed my girlfriend isn’t backing me up.

PBeesly: James!

JHalpert: James??

PBeesly: I’m feeling Finer today, shut up.

JHalpert: I’m telling you, it’s the scarf. It’s changed you. Would non-scarfed Pam tell me to shut up?

JHalpert: Don’t answer that.

PBeesly: Do you really feel disappointed with me?

JHalpert: Oh yeah Pam. I’m heart broken. You know what? I might just go straight home tonight. Forget the date.

PBeesly: Well your car is at my place Halpert so suck it.

JHalpert: Damn it!

PBeesly: Hey but did you want me to fight for you?

JHalpert: Pam, did you seriously think I would read that book? Tell me the truth I won’t be mad.

PBeesly: Ok… no.

JHalpert: Oh my God! What a horrible girlfriend! Where’s the faith Pam? Where is it?!

JHalpert: Kidding. Should have seen your face.

PBeesly: I hate you!

JHalpert: You’re so cute!

PBeesly: I am not!

JHalpert: You have to know that scarf is incredibly sexy.

PBeesly: …Well ok you’re right about that.

JHalpert: Wow. You really like that scarf, don’t you Beesly?!

PBeesly: Ok. Whatever happened to the guy saying exactly what he meant in a relationship? What happened to that?

JHalpert: Don’t you know?

PBeesly: Is that code for ‘I have ovaries’ or something Jim?

JHalpert: Whoa! I would be mad… if I wasn’t so proud of you right now.

PBeesly: I hate you.

JHalpert: I love you!

PBeesly: I love you too.

And they can’t stop smiling that adorable JAM smile they do so well.

PBeesly: Hi!

JHalpert: Hey.

PBeesly: What are you doing?

JHalpert: I’m actually a little busy for once.

PBeesly: Uh huh.

PBeesly: A little busy with what?

JHalpert: Just some stupid request my client wanted.

PBeesly: Right.

PBeesly: What was the request?

JHalpert: I can tell you’re not busy.

PBeesly: I don’t think I’ve ever been this bored in my life.

PBeesly: Besides, you know, yesterday…

JHalpert: Well sorry, can’t help you.

PBeesly: Dwight’s underpants have cartoon beets on them.

PBeesly: Andy’s are souvenir Cornell University thongs.

PBeesly:  Michael’s are Winnie the Pooh.

JHalpert: I’m sorry. What is this? Messing up your boyfriend with information he obviously doesn’t want to know, which we might have to talk about, while he’s on the phone.

PBeesly: Well… it’s more just messing with your boyfriend period.

JHalpert: What happened to messing with Dwight?

PBeesly: A few things actually. One: it isn’t as fun when you’re not doing it with me (that’s what she said).

PBeesly: Two: you should not be enveloped in your work and ignoring me that is incredibly unhealthy.

PBeesly: Three: Your face is really funny when you forget what you’re saying on the phone.

PBeesly: And four: Dwight probably knows what Michael’s underpants actually are and nobody likes being corrected on their own joke.

JHalpert: Thank you. That’s two minutes of waiting in my life I will never get back.

PBeesly: Do I need to bribe you? That would be a new low for us.

JHalpert: Depends what you mean by ‘bribe’.

PBeesly: I never thought Jim Halpert could give anyone a sleazy look!

JHalpert: This new relationship of ours is full of surprises.

PBeesly: Lunch and a kiss (if you’re lucky) if you think of something new to do to Dwight.

JHalpert: Like what? A wedgie?

PBeesly: That could work.

JHalpert: Wow. You are bored aren’t you?

PBeesly: Ooo! Idea! I’ll tie some string to a pin and a paperclip and hide it in the desk somewhere. And if you put the paperclip on his underpants, when he gets up his little man warmers will stay where they are.

JHalpert: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

PBeesly: What?

JHalpert: Little man warmers???

PBeesly: Don’t ask me why I call them that.

JHalpert: Oh you see now we have a problem.

PBeesly: Why?

JHalpert: Because now I have to ask you why you call them that.

PBeesly: No you don’t. Don’t you have work to do?

JHalpert: I don’t like ignoring you. I was enveloped. It’s incredibly unhealthy.

PBeesly: No. You know that was a typo actually.

JHalpert: Oh definitely Miss 90 Words per Minute.

PBeesly: Damn your memory! You’re like an elephant!

JHalpert: That’s what she said ;).

PBeesly: We need to focus here.

JHalpert: Absolutely. How do I get a hold of his Little Man Warmers again?

PBeesly: You’re not funny.

JHalpert: You’re right. Sorry.

JHalpert: One thing. What do you want for your birthday again? Some Little Lady Warmers?

PBeesly: Phone!

JHalpert: I just bought some Little Man Warmers yesterday actually.

JHalpert: They cost a little more because they were “wedgie-free”.

JHalpert: They’re Little Man Security Guards.

JHalpert: Ooo that had to be embarrassing.

PBeesly: That’s really professional of you.

JHalpert: Hey I’m not the one who burst out laughing while they were on the phone to a customer.

JHalpert: I’m sure they have a new respect for our company.

PBeesly: I hope you’re wearing your Little Man Security Guards right now.

JHalpert: Oh really?

PBeesly: Yeah really!

JHalpert: Look at us! We’re turning against each other.

PBeesly: You’re right. Look at him with his huge forehead and his $2 tie.

JHalpert: It’s like he’s sending out a silent message.

PBeesly: “Give me a wedgie, I deserve it.”

JHalpert: “Jim, Pam, I’m having the time of my life selling paper. Ruin it for me.”

PBeesly: I’ll find some string.

JHalpert: I have a stash of paperclips in my draw.

JHalpert: Has anyone ever taught you how to spell “good morning”?

DKSchrute: That is both stupid and irrelevant.

JHalpert: I know I was testing you.

DKSchrute: Are you or are you not online?

JHalpert: You tell me Dwight.

DKSchrute: You most definitely are.

JHalpert: Isn’t it ‘am’?

DKSchrute: Jim, what are you doing online when you should be on a sales call?

JHalpert: What makes you think it’s Jim?

DKSchrute: That’s ridiculous why would your name say ‘JHalpert’ if it isn’t ‘JHalpert’?

JHalpert: You’re right, completely ridiculous… the things I say!

DKSchrute: What are you doing Jim?

JHalpert: Not much. Thanks for asking buddy!

DKSchrute: Stop joking around. I know you’re not on you’re sales call!

JHalpert: Ok if you have to know I’m at an internet café having coffee with Pam.

DKSchrute: No you are not! Pam is sitting 5 feet in front of me!

JHalpert: Oh that might be true. But how do you know that is actually Pam and not a decoy?

DKSchrute: That’s ridiculous. I’ll prove it.

PBeesly has been added to the conversation.

PBeesly: Hi you two!

JHalpert: Hey!

DKSchrute: Pam, tell Jim you’re sitting at your desk and NOT having coffee with him.

PBeesly: Good morning? Hello?

JHalpert: He wasn’t taught how to spell it.

PBeesly: Oh. Why is that not surprising?

DKSchrute: Pam, say you’re not having coffee with Jim.

PBeesly: No!

PBeesly: Sorry I can’t say that.

DKSchrute: Why??

PBeesly: Because I’m having coffee with him.

PBeesly: How nice is the cake?

JHalpert: So good. We’ll bring you back a piece buddy. You really can’t miss it.

DKSchrute: This is so ridiculous! You are not having coffee and cake in an internet café Pam! I’m staring at you right now!

JHalpert: Is she moving much?

DKSchrute: Well no. She’s just staring at the computer screen.

JHalpert: Ah see new technology. We haven’t really got them talking properly.

PBeesly: Yeah. But we can make them giggle and type gibberish so it looks like the real me.

JHalpert: They’re very life-like.

DKSchrute: I don’t believe you.

JHalpert: Fine. I can’t make you believe me.

DKSchrute: Then again… it is doing a lot of giggling and typing now.

PBeesly: ‘It’?

JHalpert: Great that means its working. I just hope the phone doesn’t ring.

DKSchrute: Why?

JHalpert: Well let’s just say we haven’t programmed them for that properly yet.

DKSchrute: What do you mean?

JHalpert: It’s nothing. They just say ‘Dunder Mifflin this is Pam’ over and over again. It’s the only thing we’ve programmed them for.

JHalpert: I’ll show you. I’ll ring now.

PBeesly: I’m pretty sure Dwight has the idea Jim.

JHalpert: No I’m pretty sure he wants a demonstration.

PBeesly: No. The concept is enough.

JHalpert: I think he’d really like a demonstration Pam.

DKSchrute: Yes I would. I want empirical evidence. The real Pam would be far too humiliated to do it.

PBeesly: Yeah I think you’re right Dwight.

JHalpert: So I’ll just have to ring to prove to you that Pam is in fact sitting on the computer next to me, sharing a piece of mud cake.

DKSchrute: Do it.

PBeesly: Oh my god.

JHalpert: It’s ringing.

DKSchrute: It’s working. It’s saying it, over and over again.

DKSchrute: I never thought I’d see the day when Jim Halpert beat Dwight K Schrute in creating the world’s first android.

JHalpert: Me neither Dwight. Believe me, me neither.

DKSchrute: It’s still saying it.

JHalpert: I know! Isn’t it great?!

DKSchrute: It looks pretty stupid.

JHalpert: No. It’s so awesome.

DKSchrute: Ok I believe you Jim. You can hang up.

JHalpert: Just a little longer.

DKSchrute: Jim it’s starting to draw eyes! Hang up!

JHalpert: I just wanna hear it one more time.

PBeesly: hang

PBeesly: up

JHalpert: Fine.

DKSchrute: In light of this new discovery of yours Jim, I am willing to wave the fact that you are not on your sales call and I won’t tell Michael.

PBeesly: You know what? Creating the world’s most advanced android isn’t that difficult. I think the sales call is more important. Maybe you should tell Michael, Dwight. You are Assistant Regional Manager

JHalpert: Would you like to be caught too Pam?

PBeesly: What you did was very wrong! I think you should be punished Jim!

DKSchrute: No Pam its okay. I think I can let it go this once.

JHalpert: Thanks man. It means a lot. But the thing is… I’ve already finished my sales call. That’s why I’m at the Internet café.

DKSchrute: You have not.

JHalpert: Yeah man I finished half an hour ago. It was one of the biggest sales of the year.

DKSchrute: Jim! You could not have sealed such a huge deal so quickly!

JHalpert: I know the guy Dwight. He agreed ten minutes in.

DKSchrute: You’re such a liar!!!

DKSchrute has left the conversation.

JHalpert: Ok. I’m just going to be straight out here: that was awesome.

PBeesly: I hate you.

JHalpert: That was commitment Pam!

PBeesly: Yeah?

JHalpert: Hell yeah! I’m so impressed, you can say anything you want about me and I’d probably just say I love you!

PBeesly: You have a big nose.

JHalpert: Ouch.

PBeesly: You’re tall.

JHalpert: Oh! That hurts.

PBeesly: And I think we’re going to have to make a decoy for you now.

JHalpert: Absolutely we do. That’s why I love you.

PBeesly has left the conversation.

CBratton: Hi there.

PBeesly: Hey Creed.

CBratton: My, you are quick on the uptake aren’t you?

PBeesly: I am? What uptake?

CBratton: You already know my name. That’s very observant of you. I’m flattered.

PBeesly: I’m lost Creed, help me out.

CBratton: I’m impressed with your memory after working here such a short time. I have trouble remembering what I ate for breakfast.

PBeesly: No! Really?

CBratton: Mung bean salad that’s right.

PBeesly: Sounds delicious.

CBratton: What does?

CBratton: Anyway, you haven’t told me your name yet PBeesly. What’s the P?

CBratton: Pretty?

CBratton: Princess?

CBratton: Hello?

JHalpert has been added to the conversation

JHalpert: Hey guys. What’s up?

CBratton: Ah Jonathon. No offence but this is a private conversation.

CBratton has began a private forum with JHalpert

CBratton: I saw her first Johnny back off.

JHalpert: What?

CBratton has exited the forum

PBeesly: My name’s Penny…

CBratton: Penny. What a pretty name. You know I had a niece named Penny once.

CBratton: Only her name wasn’t Penny it was… Matthew.

CBratton: And she wasn’t my niece… she was… my nephew… she looked like my niece though.

JHalpert: The similarities are so clear.

PBeesly: Hey John-o! You might want to check on your girlfriend I just had a chat with her and she told me she’s not speaking to you.

CBratton: Oh better go check on that Johnny.

JHalpert: I can't if she's not speaking to me can I?

PBeesly: Who names their kid ‘Johnathon’ anymore? That’s got to be the most boring name ever.

JHalpert: Oh that smarts.

CBratton: So anyway Penny, I know this totally bitchin’ party that’s happening this Sat. Free booze and a little more ;-) are you fo’ chiz?

JHalpert: Fo’ chizzle! I guarantee she’ll be at that pizzle my nizzle.

PBeesly: And so will Johnathon. You couldn’t pass it up could you John-o?

JHalpert: Oh I don’t know. I was planning on going somewhere with my girlfriend this weekend. Kind of a going away celebration, she just left Dunder Mifflin.

CBratton: Who was she again?

JHalpert: Pam.

CBratton: Never heard of her.

PBeesly: She’s totally awesome.

JHalpert: Mmm… she’s ok… a little flighty though.

PBeesly: YOU’RE flighty!

CBratton: Anyway P are you down with it?

PBeesly: I'm definitley thinking about it. As long as it's REALLY bitchin'!

CBratton: It's bitchin off the scales!! It's goin mock 5!!

JHalpert: Do you talk to Darryl much?

CBratton: He's my homo bro.

JHalpert: I'm happy for you.

PBeesly: Hey John-o!

JHalpert: What?

PBeesly: There's something under your chin.

PBeesly: Ha! Made you look!

JHalpert: Don't you have phones to answer or something?

CBratton: Pen! Can you come? I can get you an ID if there’s any trouble.

PBeesly: You think I need a fake ID?

CBratton: Only if you don’t already have one.

PBeesly: You think I’m under 21??

CBratton: Aren’t you?

PBeesly: That’s so sweet!

JHalpert: It’s not that sweet. Shouldn't really be hitting on an underage should you?

CBratton: How old are you then honey?

PBeesly: I’m 25.

JHalpert: If by 25 you mean 29 then yes you are.

PBeesly: How would you know Johnny?! You don’t know me!!

CBratton: There is no way you’re 29 Princess.

JHalpert: I can see a way.

PBeesly: Oh my god Creed, you are like so much nicer than my boyfriend!

JHalpert: Hmm… are you sure about that? I heard he's pretty fantastic.

CBratton: Boyfriend?

PBeesly: Yeah Jim. Have you heard of him?

CBratton: Oh yeah. Tall guy right? Glasses? Worships the boss?

JHalpert: No.

PBeesly: Yes!

JHalpert: Come on!

PBeesly: That’s him. We’re pretty serious. There’s just something about that puke colored shirt that makes me go all gooey inside.

JHalpert: Oh low blow.

CBratton: That’s nice. Oh ratsacks! I just found out the police have raided that party.

PBeesly: It’s Thursday.

CBratton: It’s an all-weeker.

JHalpert: I love those.

PBeesly: Too bad! Maybe we can catch up still. Jim makes a mean beet dip. And if you ever need to know anything about taking out a bear, he’s your guy. My hero.

CBratton: Thanks but I’ve had plenty of experience with bear wrestling.

JHalpert: Haven’t we all?

PBeesly: Ok well nice meeting you Creed.

CBratton has left the conversation.

JHalpert: Well you certainly showed your true colors didn’t you Beesly.

PBeesly: Suck it.

JHalpert: Make me!

PBeesly: Boo!

JHalpert: Did you really expect that to work on IM?

PBeesly: Good morning to you too.

JHalpert: I’m not the one who said boo Beesly.

PBeesly: Oh trust me Halpert; you’ll be surprised when you find out where I’m going today.

JHalpert: All right then, spill the beans already.

PBeesly: Who says that?

JHalpert: You’re boyfriend who you love unconditionally.

PBeesly: I don’t know… if you say ‘spill the beans’…

JHalpert: Moving on Pam.

PBeesly: Who came up with that anyway? Who spills beans?

JHalpert: You go round in circles sometimes, you know that?

PBeesly: I’m just saying… Who even has a bowl of beans to spill? Like… do they walk around with it or something?

JHalpert: Pam

PBeesly: Walk around with it and then trip over and let it spill?

JHalpert: You’re seriously thinking this through?

PBeesly: Whose ‘they’ anyway?

JHalpert: I know who.

PBeesly: Who?

JHalpert: You, spill!

PBeesly: You’re so lame.

JHalpert: You’re avoiding spilling beans. And as lame as that sounds (I didn’t actually mean to say it – it just came out like… well a lot like beans!) you don’t avoid spilling beans.

PBeesly: Ok. I’m coming home today!

JHalpert: No way!

PBeesly: Yeah we’re having a long weekend at school! I thought I’d surprise you but then I got too excited.

JHalpert: So you lasted, what half an hour? Have you even had your coffee yet Beesly?

PBeesly: Yes!

PBeesly: ok I’ve had half.

JHalpert: Shame on you.

PBeesly: Hey! I got excited ok?

JHalpert: Excuses, excuses.

PBeesly: I hate you.

JHalpert: Hey! You’re not the only one who has surprises up their sleeves you know.

PBeesly: yeah, yeah.

JHalpert: In fact I’m pretty excited about something too.

PBeesly: Yeah?

JHalpert: I’ve been thinking about it for a long time actually and… you know I’m not sure I can hold it in much longer either.

PBeesly: Oh no I think you should hold that in a little longer.

JHalpert: I don’t know Pam, it’s pretty exciting.

PBeesly: No really Jim. Hold that one in.

JHalpert: But Pam, I just love you so much.

PBeesly: No. No seriously Jim. I’m coming home tonight. :hint:

JHalpert: Pam I have something to ask you.

PBeesly: You’re kidding right? You’re talking about something stupid like what tie you should wear to work today aren’t you? The black one Jim! Always wear the black one!

JHalpert: The black one? That’s a little morbid isn’t it?

PBeesly: You’re mourning me. I’m not there. :hint:

JHalpert: You are freaking out aren’t you?

PBeesly: Yes! I am! I’m in New York and you’re in Scranton! A tip? Don’t ask me when I’m in New York and you’re in Scranton Jim!

JHalpert: Pam?

PBeesly: Yeah?

JHalpert: I love you.

PBeesly: …ok maybe I’m ok with it.

JHalpert: I won’t ask you that.

PBeesly: You won’t?

JHalpert: No way! On IM? Are you serious? But it is fun messing with you.

PBeesly: I hate you.

JHalpert: Well I love you.

PBeesly: You know I don’t mind IM that much. It’s definitely different…

JHalpert: Pam you’re in New York and I’m in Scranton. I’m taking your own advice right now. But I do have something I need to ask you… and it’s pretty important to me so I’d appreciate you taking me seriously.

PBeesly: Ok…

JHalpert: When you come back to Scranton… will you help me break Dwight’s spirit again?

PBeesly: How romantic are you?

JHalpert: You’re laughing aren’t you?

PBeesly: No!

JHalpert: You are!

PBeesly: Ok, I’m laughing. But you’re so cute!

JHalpert: Pam I’m dead serious!

PBeesly: Uh huh…

JHalpert: He’s back with Angela and you have no idea how cocky he’s gotten about it!

PBeesly: Oh poor thing.

JHalpert: No Pam I mean it! He even started talking to me about how hard it must be for me to be going “cold duck”.

PBeesly: “Cold duck”?? That’s not the expression.

JHalpert: I told him that! And you know what he said? He said, “Uh, no Jim. I think I’d know what the expression for celibacy is. I date Angela.” and I said “You know that doesn’t sound as good as you think it does.”

PBeesly: and what did he say?

JHalpert: He jumped up and yelled “You take that back!” right in front of Angela. He’s definitely not going cold duck right now.

PBeesly: Ew.

JHalpert: He has to be stopped! He’s acting like he owns the world! And he doesn’t Pam! He doesn’t! He owns a freaking beet farm!

PBeesly: You’re adorable.

JHalpert: It’s nice to know you think that while I’m talking about destroying someone’s spirit.

PBeesly: It’s kind of why I fell in love with you.

JHalpert: That doesn’t sound as sweet as you think it does Pam.

PBeesly: Do you really think it’s a good idea break to his spirit after everything he’s been through?

JHalpert: Yes! Absolutely I do! You know why? Because now he’s with Angela and everyone knows and Andy’s left, he doesn’t have anyone to stop his ego from getting out of control! AND you’re not here to help me kick his ass as the best couple in the office! He has one up on me Pam!

PBeesly: Wow you’re serious aren’t you? It’s not a joke anymore.

JHalpert: I don’t know… maybe it’s because you’re not here and he’s rubbing it in the whole day long. It’s gotten a little past being annoying.

PBeesly: Ok well guess what!

JHalpert: What?

PBeesly: I’m coming home today! I’ll leave in like half an hour and spend the day with you at work. We can prank him the whole day long… we can even make out in front of him if it makes you feel better. No going cold duck today!

JHalpert: I heart Pam.

PBeesly: Hey you know what would really stick it to him?

JHalpert: What?

PBeesly: If you proposed… right in front of him.

JHalpert: You’re right it probably would.

PBeesly: You’ll think about it?

JHalpert: Been thinking bout it for years Beesly.

PBeesly: If Dwight and Angela get engaged before us I’m going to kill you.

JHalpert: You’re such a gentle soul aren’t you?

PBeesly: I mean it Halpert!

JHalpert: I know. But it doesn’t really help when you’re two hours away right now. So here’s a tip: get your ass down here Beesly!

PBeesly: Hey Jim, guess what!

JHalpert: What?

PBeesly: WE’RE ENGAGED!!

JHalpert: I didn’t know that!! Thanks for telling me Beesly!

PBeesly: But Jim!

JHalpert: What?

PBeesly: WE’RE engaged! I am engaged to you!!

JHalpert: I know how unbelievable is that??

PBeesly: You know how long it’s been?? It’s been 32 hours since you proposed.

JHalpert: Wow I could have sworn it was 34.

PBeesly: So I have an idea.

JHalpert: Ok hit me.

PBeesly: Now that we’re… ENGAGED!! I think we should just, tell the truth. Get all our last secrets out.

JHalpert: That’s a good idea. You’re my fiancé now… lets do all that serious relationshippy stuff – get it out of the way.

PBeesly: Oh I’ve got one!

JHalpert: Ok… Scare me Beesly

PBeesly: Jim I’d appreciate you being serious right now.

JHalpert: Oh, right, sorry. :serious Halpert:

PBeesly: Ok, you ready?

JHalpert: Ready.

PBeesly: Jim I have a feeling Michael’s in love with me.

JHalpert: No way!

PBeesly: I’m so sorry, all this time he’s been my boss and then I left and I never realised he wanted to be more than that.

JHalpert: What made you realise?

PBeesly: All those subtle hints you know?

JHalpert: Yes, the subtle hints. You hardly know they’re there right?

PBeesly: It finally clicked yesterday when I came home to visit you and he asked me to look at his futon.

JHalpert: He didn’t!

PBeesly: That’s when I realised Jim; he doesn’t want me to check that the springs are still working!

JHalpert: Yeah he does, that’s what guys mean when they ask you to check out their night arrangements. I’ve asked you that heaps of times. “Do you think the bed springs are a bit too squeaky?”

PBeesly: No Jim! Don’t you see? He likes me!

JHalpert: No!

PBeesly: Yes! And all this time I thought he just wanted to be my boss!

JHalpert: Oh my God! It all makes sense now!

PBeesly: So… I guess this is it.

JHalpert: Yeah I guess so… unless…

PBeesly: Unless what?

JHalpert: You could be with Michael and me at the same time.

PBeesly: Jim you know I’m not into that sort of stuff.

JHalpert: Pam that isn’t funny.

PBeesly: It kind of is.

JHalpert: No I mean you could stay with Michael and just hook up with me on the side! I was only in it for the sex anyway.

PBeesly: Oh great! Thanks for telling me.

JHalpert: Anytime.

JHalpert: While we’re clearing the air, I just want to confess something too.

PBeesly: Go ahead, let it all out Jim.

JHalpert: Ok just… let me compose myself.

PBeesly: You really need to compose yourself on IM?

JHalpert: Yes! It’s that serious Pam!

PBeesly: I’m sorry. Take your time.

JHalpert: My… this is going to sound horrible.

PBeesly: Let it out Jim, its ok.

JHalpert: My… my favourite colour isn’t red.

PBeesly: It’s not?

JHalpert: No I just said that to… this is so horrible… to sound awesome.

PBeesly: Oh my God! Well what is it?

JHalpert: It’s purple Pam. My favourite colour is purple.

PBeesly: So… you lied to me?

JHalpert: I’m so sorry Pam! I just… I didn’t think it was that big a deal!

PBeesly: Not that big a deal?? So birthday, Christmas, Valentines Day presents… they were all wrong??

JHalpert: Red is a good colour Pam… it’s just not great.

PBeesly: So… You mean… when I gave you that birthday card I drew for you with all those red themed objects that I thought would make you happy…

JHalpert: It was fine you know? After you left I just got out a blue pencil and coloured them all in. It worked you know! It’s purple now!

PBeesly: I can’t believe this!

JHalpert: I know. I’m so sorry.

PBeesly: But your favourite colour was one of the first things I asked you when we met!

JHalpert: … you have a good memory.

PBeesly: The foundation of our relationship is built on a lie!

JHalpert: And while we’re telling the truth… there’s one more thing. About my favourite drink…

PBeesly: I’m having an affair.

JHalpert: Let me guess who with.

PBeesly: It’s Dwight. I’m sorry Jim.

JHalpert: Seriously, you don’t think this gets old? Not a little bit?

PBeesly: You think it gets old, which means no Jim.

JHalpert: Of course.

PBeesly: One night… when I was working late and you had gone home… Dwight gave me some of his beet wine and… he’d just cut his own hair and cleaned his bobble head… I couldn’t resist.

JHalpert: Ok - ew.

PBeesly: I’m sorry but I love him. I owe it to him to give us a shot.

JHalpert: I hope you produce very thirsty babies together.

PBeesly: …ok seriously Jim I’m supposed to be grossing you out!

JHalpert: Pam? … This is… this is pretty bad.

PBeesly: Ok just, let me compose myself.

JHalpert: Ok… you ready?

PBeesly: Composing…

PBeesly: Composing…

PBeesly: Composing…

JHalpert: Come on!

PBeesly: Composing…!

PBeesly: Composed.

JHalpert: Oh great now I’ve forgotten what I was going to say.

PBeesly: Awesome! My turn!

JHalpert: That’s not fair!

PBeesly: Well you’ll think that when I tell you – I slipped into a coma!

JHalpert: When??

PBeesly: You know that day we didn’t talk?

JHalpert: Oh yeah…

PBeesly: It was because Ruby, my Swedish cousin took me horse riding and Anna Lucia threw me off!

JHalpert: Anna Lucia the horse??

PBeesly: Ruby likes Lost.

JHalpert: Got it.

PBeesly: The point is, I have no idea why I’m talking to you because – I have amnesia!!

JHalpert: Cue dramatic music!

PBeesly: I don’t know where I am, why I’m here, who I’m talking to…

JHalpert: Just Anna Lucia the horse and your Swedish cousin Ruby.

PBeesly: Who are you by the way? I’ve been trying to work out who would name a baby Jhalpert… is it pronounced ‘Jalpert’?

JHalpert: ‘Halpert’…

PBeesly: oh the J is silent, nice.

JHalpert: You’re weird.

PBeesly: That’s not a nice thing to say about your fiancé who has amnesia!

JHalpert: Oh but you remember I’m your fiancé…

PBeesly: Yeah… :blushes: I can’t forget that.

JHalpert: You’re weak, that’s what you are.

JHalpert: Ok is it my turn yet?

PBeesly: :sigh: I guess so…

JHalpert: I’m in love with my best friend!

PBeesly: No!

JHalpert: Yes!

PBeesly: That must be horrible!

JHalpert: It’s totally awesome!

PBeesly: But she lives in New York that must be horrible.

JHalpert: It doesn’t matter because she’s following her dreams and finally doing what she loves (that’s what she said) and I’m marrying her and she’s going to make the best wife EVER!

PBeesly: Jim I’m going to turn into goo soon.

JHalpert: Who said I was talking about you Beesly??

PBeesly: Oh ok. Not turning into goo then.

JHalpert: Ok here’s another confession.

PBeesly: Oh I don’t know if I could take much more…

JHalpert: That’s what she said.

PBeesly: …I think I prefer the confessions.

JHalpert: Ok are you ready??

PBeesly: Yes I’m ready!

JHalpert: I was actually talking about you Beesly.

PBeesly: Aww! Turning back into goo.

JHalpert: And another confession…

PBeesly: What?

JHalpert: Purple’s my favourite colour because it was the colour of the dress you wore when we had our first kiss.

PBeesly: Awwwwwwwww! I’m too gooey to say anything!

JHalpert: How about I love you?

PBeesly: I LOVE YOU FIANCE JIM!!

PBeesly: Hey how’s it going?

JHalpert: You know what? I don’t think I’ve ever been this bored in my life.

PBeesly: Wow haven’t heard that one before.

JHalpert: I’m serious though! Dwight and Michael aren’t here – the place is completely dead! I’m actually not sure if Creed is conscious!

PBeesly: Missing them are you? I knew you loved them.

JHalpert: Ok I’m really going to pretend you didn’t say that.

PBeesly: Aren’t you in charge? Can’t you make them do whatever you want?

JHalpert: That is what she said.

PBeesly: But you’re the cool guy everyone listens to you.

JHalpert: Oh Pam. Don’t get me wrong, its nice that you think so highly of me… but in case you didn’t notice, the office isn’t full of 15 Pam Beesly’s… I would be having a lot more fun if it was.

PBeesly: You’re so sweet… and a total wimp.

JHalpert: Come on Pam you know how boring this place gets! I’m thinking of holding a conference room meeting just to liven everyone up!

PBeesly: Ok if you realised what you just said you would be as scared as me right now!

JHalpert: What did I say??

PBeesly: Are you sure it doesn’t remind you of someone?!

JHalpert: Who?

PBeesly: Think about it Jim… it sounds a lot like someone we know!

JHalpert: No. No I don’t think so.

PBeesly: Oh I think you think you so Jim…

JHalpert: No way Pam! This is in the name of fun!

PBeesly: And when Michael does it its in the name of… what? Awkward ignorance?

JHalpert: Holy crap.

PBeesly: Oh my gosh!! What if Michael was exactly like you when he first started here???

JHalpert: No Pam. Don’t go down that road!

PBeesly: Think about it Jim, he could have been just like you – popular, funny, lovable, sure he was going to be here for a maximum of one year…

JHalpert: And then what? He fell in love with an engaged receptionist?? Don’t forget Beesly I met the receptionist who was here before you. He wouldn’t appreciate the speculation.

PBeesly: Ok not necessarily in love with anyone… maybe Dwight…

JHalpert: Nice.

PBeesly: But as soon as he got a little power he started mutating and evolving!!

JHalpert: You’re enjoying torturing me way too much.

PBeesly: Until finally he became Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin Regional Manager – Wannabe Extraordinaire!!

JHalpert: No Pam. It’s not true! He’s been like that since he was a kid!

PBeesly: And look at you Jim – how many years have you worked there now? 6 is it?

JHalpert: No! 5 and a half…

PBeesly: Now you’re number 2, got a little power and thinking you should hold a meeting about how boring everyone is!! Oh this is awesome. Expect me to use this to my advantage for the rest of our lives Jim!

JHalpert: I see what’s going on here… So you’re off chasing your dream and you think its funny I’m not chasing mine. 

PBeesly: Yeah something like that.

JHalpert: Well, the jokes on you Pam because I’ve already found my dream.

PBeesly: Are you going to say me?

JHalpert: Actually I was going to say Guitar Hero 3 so… not sure you know me as well as you think you do.

PBeesly: You’re turning into Michael.

JHalpert: And there it is – just put it straight out there.

PBeesly: That’s what she said.

JHalpert: I’m not turning into Michael.

PBeesly: No. But you are.

JHalpert: I told you I was bored not looking for a shaken personal identity!

PBeesly: You’re right… but I’m a lot less bored now.

JHalpert: Not the issue – was it? I was bored not you.

PBeesly: Ok then think of it this way – your beautiful fiancé who/m you’ve loved for years is fulfilling her duty of being both fancy and new by removing your power goggles (which are like beer goggles except this time your vision is blurred by power) and waking you to the danger before its too late.

JHalpert: …You leave her in a school for 3 weeks and she turns into an expert…

PBeesly: :::sigh:: Don’t worry Jim, I know you’re jealous, you don’t have to admit it.

JHalpert: Fine so annoying everyone else is out of the question… right on time, thank you very much!

PBeesly: What?

DKSchrute has been added to the conversation.

DKSchrute: I’m sitting right next to you this is a waste of greenhouse energy.

JHalpert: Oh and the fact that your computer’s already on isn’t going to hurt the planet.

DKSchrute: That is irrelevant I am using it for good.

JHalpert: Oh so you mean selling paper cancels out the greenhouse gases?

PBeesly: Hey Dwight!

DKSchrute: Hello Pamela. Haven’t learnt to control your fiancé yet I see.

PBeesly: Not yet no. Trust me, I’m working on it.

JHalpert: Is she ever.

DKSchrute: By now I would have expected better.

PBeesly: That’s what she said.

JHalpert: That’s what Angela said?

PBeesly: Oh too far.

DKSchrute: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

PBeesly: Yeah Jim!

JHalpert: Hey I’m just impressed he’s still talking to me on IM when he’s sitting two feet in front of me.

PBeesly: He’s not actually yelling at you??

JHalpert: Just typing furiously.

DKSchrute: I’ll have you know that Angela Martin and I have extended ourselves beyond either person’s expectations both physically and emotionally.

PBeesly: Oh my god my eyes! Where’s the stop-talking-button on IM??

JHalpert: So those ballet lessons are really paying off huh?

PBeesly: What are you doing?? Why are you encouraging him??

DKSchrute: I think you know what I’m talking about Jim.

JHalpert: Oh you mean ping pong?

DKSchrute: No.

PBeesly: Twister?

DKSchrute: Very funny.

JHalpert: Oh I’ve got it – the tango.

PBeesly: That’s a tough one.

DKSchrute: Sex! I mean sex!

JHalpert: Sex?

PBeesly: Never heard of it. Have you Jim?

JHalpert: Can’t say I have Pam.

DKSchrute: Oh yeah very funny. You’re engaged and you haven’t had sex?

PBeesly: Depends what sex is… I’m still a little confused.

JHalpert: Me too… is it a game?

PBeesly: Oh is it like charades?

JHalpert: We should give it a go if it’s like charades.

PBeesly: Totally!

JHalpert: Maybe Dwight should join in.

PBeesly: No I don’t think he should.

JHalpert: No I don’t think he should either.

PBeesly: Hey Dwight I have this theory about Jim do you want to hear it?

DKSchrute: Unless it’s a way to have him arrested for years of taunting, I don’t care and it is irrelevant.

PBeesly: I think he’s turning into Michael.

JHalpert: Here we go.

DKSchrute: Ridiculous. Mutation into someone else is impossible and even if it wasn’t, Michael’s ability to resist Jim’s powers is far too strong. He would not succeed.

JHalpert: Wait – you mean… I couldn’t take over his body?

DKSchrute: Of course… and the fact that you think you could is ridiculous.

PBeesly: Oh Dwight… You have no idea what you just said.

JHalpert: What makes you think I couldn’t?

DKSchrute: Because it’s impossible… even if you could you’d have no idea of the methodology.

JHalpert: I have mind powers don’t I?

 DKSchrute: There’s a difference between minor, almost non-existent telekinesis and body possession.  

JHalpert: How do you know telekettlesis is the only power I have?

PBeesly: Telekinesis.

JHalpert: Yeah… that.

DKSchrute: Why wouldn’t you have shown me? 

JHalpert: Maybe it’s too dangerous… maybe I don’t know who I can trust. Pam’s the only person I’ve told… and I only did when she started worrying about where I went at night.

DKSchrute: Where did you go at night?!

PBeesly: Strawberries!

JHalpert: Sorry?

PBeesly: Strawberries! Remember the code word?

DKSchrute: What code word? Why do you have a code word Jim?? Tell me!

JHalpert: Oh the code word, right. I better go Dwight – got a lot of work to do.

DKSchrute: No – wait – tell me why you have a code word!

PBeesly: Strawberries!

DKSchrute: No – stop it Pam!

JHalpert: I’ve gotta go Dwight – sorry man.

 JHalpert has left the conversation. 

DKSchrute: Dammit!

PBeesly: He’s still sitting two feet in front of you isn’t he Dwight?

DKSchrute: Yes. So?

PBeesly: So you can actually talk to him off IM.

DKSchrute: Don’t be ridiculous Pam – do you really think I would talk about superpowers in the Office?? Who knows who could be listening!

PBeesly: Oh right – what was I thinking!

PBeesly: You know… he’s not the only one with powers…

DKSchrute: Oh you mean you have them too? Very funny.

PBeesly: The thing is… I’m not actually in New York Dwight.

DKSchrute: Oh really? Where are you then?

PBeesly: In heaven…

DKSchrute: …what?

PBeesly: Jim made up the New York story when he found out I had cancer.

DKSchrute: Ok. Sure. Then who was the person he proposed to two weeks ago on the roof?

PBeesly: My ghost.

DKSchrute: Jim is engaged to a ghost? Yeah right.

PBeesly: I wouldn’t tell you if it wasn’t true Dwight. But don’t make a big scene… Jim doesn’t show it but he’s pretty upset about the whole thing.

DKSchrute: Prove it Pam.

PBeesly: Sprinkles is with me. He says you killed him – he’s pretty angry Dwight.

DKSchrute: How do you know about that?

PBeesly: Look after Jim for me Dwight.

DKSchrute: Oh my God!

 DKSchrute has left the conversation.

JHalpert has joined the conversation. 

JHalpert: Ok why did Dwight just hug me and start crying??

JHalpert: Hi!

PBeesly: Hey.

JHalpert: How’s it going?

PBeesly: Ok I guess.

JHalpert: ‘I guess’… I have a problem with ‘I guess’… because when you say ‘I guess’, it completely cancels out the first part of the sentence as being legitimate.

PBeesly: Huh?

JHalpert: It means I don’t believe you Beesly.

PBeesly: Oh I just had a pretty crappy day that’s all.

JHalpert: And…

PBeesly: And my art teacher hates me and we’re finally engaged and I don’t get to see you for ages and I don’t really see the point in doing my next major because I’ll probably fail and I’m thinking maybe I should just come home…

JHalpert: Wow, high school flashback or what?

PBeesly: I know right? Especially the engaged part.

JHalpert: Ignoring that…

PBeesly: Good boy.

JHalpert: I have something that should cheer you up though.

PBeesly: Oh my God is there a site where you can download fiancés or something?

JHalpert: There is… but your fiancé would be Russian.

PBeesly: Ooooh. I’ll think about it.

JHalpert: Ok ignoring that too.

PBeesly: What a good fiancé.

JHalpert: Ok I’m at home – Dwight’s staying late. Wanna see something cool?

PBeesly: Totally!

JHalpert: Ok, ready?

PBeesly: Ready.

JHalpert: Please don’t get a Russian husband.

PBeesly: Jim!

JHalpert: Not what I was planning to say – ok getting it now.

DKSchrute has been added to the conversation.

PBeesly: Hey Dwight how’s it going?

DKSchrute: Hll Pm – DMMT JM!

JHalpert: Hey Dwight – where are your vowels?

PBeesly: Oh my god!

DKSchrute: Wht dd y d??

JHalpert: What did I do? I don’t know what you’re talking about… looks like you’re missing a few key letters there though.

DKSchrute: Tht s dfcmnt f cmpny prprty!

PBeesly: I love you!

JHalpert: I know how you feel Pam. I love me too.

DKSchrute: Whr r thy!!

JHalpert: Where are what Dwight be more specific.

DKSchrute: Whr dd y hd my vwls?!

PBeesly: Letters – what letters are you missing?!

DKSchrute: cnt shw y!

JHalpert: So you’re missing a C, an N, a T, S, H, W and a Y.

DKSchrute: N!

PBeesly: You really need that N huh?

DKSchrute: N!

PBeesly: Ok! The N is your top priority! Got it!

JHalpert: Come on, think Dwight. Where did you last see them?

DKSchrute: JM!!

PBeesly: Maybe you should retrace your steps?

JHalpert: Excellent idea Pam that always works.

DKSchrute: Whr r thy?!

PBeesly: Where were they last time you used them – in the kitchen?

JHalpert: The parking lot?

PBeesly: Bathroom?

JHalpert: Oh man what if they fell in the toilet!

PBeesly: Or worse - in the outhouse!

JHalpert: Oh nasty!

DKSchrute: Why wld s thm n th ths!! Yr s stpd!!

PBeesly: Stupid?

JHalpert: Hey I’m not the one who lost the keys buddy.

PBeesly: Don’t take your anger out on us Dwight. It’s not our fault.

DKSchrute: Ys t s! ‘m tllng Mchl!

JHalpert: Hey I did not notice how many vowels there are in ‘Michael’.

PBeesly: Hey me neither.

JHalpert: It’s almost half the word.

PBeesly: Wow! Crazy!

DKSchrute: Yr s frd!!

JHalpert: Hey Dwight, what’s the name of that really important client who you have to talk to through email?… Aaron?… Ian?

PBeesly: Uma?

JHalpert: Anna?

DKSchrute: Whn gt hld f y Jm m gng t kll y!

JHalpert: Sorry I did not get one word of that.

DKSchrute: m gng t kll y!

PBeesly: What are you speaking Chinese or something?

JHalpert: Gongs… is it something to do with gongs?

DKSchrute: N!!

PBeesly: Night gongs?!

JHalpert: Night gongs? What are they like giant Chinese alarm clocks?

PBeesly: Hey who guesses ‘gong’ in the first place?

DKSchrute: Dmnd y tll m whr thy r!!

JHalpert: Thy… Shakespeare? Where for art thou?

PBeesly: Juliet says that Romeo.

JHalpert: Hey that’s the only line I know!

DKSchrute: Dd y t thm?!

JHalpert: Did you… tie them.

DKSchrute: Tht dsnt mk sns!

PBeesly: Did you… tea them.

DKSchrute: Wht s wrng wth y?!

JHalpert: Whit so wrang wath ye?

PBeesly: Jeez Dwight that doesn’t making sense.

JHalpert: Yeah what is wrong with you?

DKSchrute: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

DKSchrute has left the conversation.

PBeesly: OH MY GOD THAT WAS AWESOME!!

JHalpert: I KNOW!!

PBeesly: Add him back in. You have to!

DKSchrute has been added to the conversation.

JHalpert: How’s it going Dwight?

PBeesly: I’m having a little trouble with your last comment Dwight. Question: By ‘RRRRRRR’, did you mean - you really like Little Red Riding Hood.

DKSchrute: N PM!

JHalpert: Or, playing Red Rover.

PBeesly: Oh I love that game!

DKSchrute: N! Ht Rd Rvr!

JHalpert: You prefer Hat Red Rover.

PBeesly: Ooo I like hats!

DKSchrute: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

DKSchrute has left the conversation.

JHalpert: I don’t know about you but I think I’m starting to see a pattern here.

PBeesly: I LOVE YOU!

JHalpert: Yeah?

PBeesly: You are by FAR the awesomest fiancé anyone could EVER have!

JHalpert: Well, don’t mean to brag or anything but…you’re probably right.

PBeesly: Best. Conversation. Ever!

JHalpert: Feeling better?

PBeesly: Jim! That was the best. Conversation. EVER!!

JHalpert: I’ll take that as a yes.

PBeesly: Seriously is there a way to download you to New York?

JHalpert: Hey, here’s an idea, let’s ask Dwight!

PBeesly: I LOVE YOU!

DKSchrute has been added to the conversation.

JHalpert: Hey Dwight we have a question.

DKSchrute: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!