1. A Tisket, a Tasket, Resolutions in a Basket by Too Late Kev
"Attention! Attention! Your attention, please!" said Michael, standing outside his office looking exceptionally pleased with himself. "This year, we are starting a New Year's tradition. Everyone will write down three resolutions about work and/or vis-à-vis their lives for the New Year, and place them in this basket." He held up a ratty-looking basket which looked like it had been in a basement for twenty years. (In fact, it had been in his mother's basement for thirty years; he'd gone digging in mounds of clutter to find it.) "On Monday, we will go down to the park and burn our resolutions in effigy, or really, in a picnic grill. As they go up in smoke, we will celebrate our hopes for the new year."
Pam looked skeptical. "Are you sure we can even use the picnic grills?"
"Pam, yes! It's not like we can set the park on fire with snow on the ground."
"Question: are the paths plowed?" asked Jim.
A hand shot up. "Michael! I volunteer to clear all paths for your New Year's Quest!"
"No, Dwight, that's not... just, everyone, don't be a bunch of babies! Bring your mittens and your mukluks and your boots..."
Jim spoke up again "Michael, mukluks are boots, so should we all have two pairs of boots, or..."
Michael stared at Jim and muttered under his breath. He hadn't expected any questions. "Just, just...bring winter clothing, and prepare to get ready for 2008! I expect your resolutions to be in the basket by the end of the day. All resolutions will be left in the basket until the burning. No one will see them, so you can be completely honest, as I have been with mine." Michael slipped a piece of paper into the covered basket with an enormous smile at his employees.
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Meredith Palmer
Stop drinking.
Drink less.
Don't drink during the week.
Stop drinking after three drinks.
Stop drinking after three o'clock.
Don't start drinking until three o'clock.
Don't drink between 3:30 A.M. and 6:30 A.M. Monday through Friday, except holidays.
Only have sex when it's a relationship.
Don't have sex with total strangers, just because they ask me. Or I ask them and they say yes.
Try to remember the name of the guy I'm having sex with, at least until he's done.
Always have a pen. When I meet a guy, write his name on my hand so I'll know his name when if we have sex.
Don't bring guys home to have sex when Jake is there.
Don't let Jake see guys coming into the house or going out.
Dwight Schrute
Pam Beesly
Toby Flenderson
Phyllis Vance
Kevin Malone
Kelly Kapoor
Creed Bratton
I thought this was a volunteer thing.
Angela Martin
This is stupid. If you live a decent, moral life, you don't need resolutions. Of course, three resolutions may not be enough for some of the people here, like Meredith. And Kelly. And Phyllis. And Pam.
Oscar Martinez
Marjorie Smith
Andy Bernard
Jim Halpert
Stanley Hudson
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Michael stared at the little slip of paper he was reading in his bed. "Oh, my God, Jan! How did he know?"
Jan looked up from the master list of resolutions she had just finished compiling from all the slips. "Michael, he was just guessing. When you go into work Monday, just act like everything's normal, and he can't be sure of anything."
"He knows! He's like a black Magic 8 Ball - ‘SIGNS POINT TO YES'!!!"
"Michael, Magic 8 Balls are..." She shook her head. "Never mind. Forget about Stanley. I told you this would be useful. If you have layoffs this year, fire Marjorie first. With her depression, absenteeism, and problems with the camera people - who'd complain if she was fired? After that I'd fire Meredith. With her drinking and sexual habits..."
Michael broke in, "Did I ever tell you she flashed her breasts at me a couple of Christmases ago? Brrr," he shivered.
Jan's eyes narrowed, but she went on, "If you need to cut someone after that, I'd be concerned about Kevin's gambling."
"Right. Why didn't you help me like this when I had to fire someone before?"
Jan didn't answer: the last time Michael had to fire someone from the Scranton office, Jan was busy ‘helping' Josh Porter whenever and wherever she could. Too bad he had dumped her shortly after that -- she and Josh could have been running Dunder Mifflin by now. She had long ago resolved never to tell Michael.
Thanks to Swedge and Azlin for beta-ing. :)
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.