*****

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.



Pam lay in her bed enjoying the quiet of the early morning. The clock beside the bed said 7:42. It was strange to be waking alone. The space next to her seemed so empty, soon to be filled by her life partner, her best friend-her husband. They had planned a small and intimate ceremony, to be attended by only their close family members, and it had soon become more than that. They felt they had to invite everyone in the office, then family members decided that other people needed to be invited. So on and so forth. They had somehow managed to keep it to a manageable 87 people, of which 76 had replied favorably.

Jim had stayed at his parents the night before and left Pam to their apartment for she and the bridesmaids to get ready. They had found a beautiful outdoor garden location for the ceremony with an adjacent outdoor area for the reception. Pam had been oddly calm and unaffected the week before the wedding, tying up loose ends with the help of the wedding planner her mom had talked her into finding. It had been the complete opposite of her first experience planning and anticipating a wedding. The former having been rife with pain and fear-and indecision.

She had wondered if the relaxed mode she was in would last and the night before her emotions answered her. She stood next to Jim at the venue, waiting for the rehearsal to begin per the wedding planner-he had his arm draped around her shoulder and her arms circled his waist and something about everything that was going on around her made it very real to Pam.

“What’s wrong?” Jim had looked down at Pam, seeing her eyes looking red and watery.
“Nothing, just taking it all in.” She smiled back at him, looking up into his smiling eyes. Something just tugged at her heartstrings when she thought about the fact that this person would be her husband the next day. How had she gotten so damn lucky? To find somebody this wonderful after coming so close to almost making the biggest mistake in the world was just too much to think about.

The rest of the night was an emotional roller coaster for Pam. Walking through the ceremony, there were tears, which she assured Jim were happy ones. Then all their families giving them hugs and saying how happy there were for she and Jim. More tears. Pam’s father topping it off by standing up at the rehearsal dinner and telling Jim ‘thank you’ for making his little girl so happy. Mega tears.

Now she sat on the edge of her bed with a 1000 watt smile across her face, thinking about the fact that in a little more than 10 hours, she would be Pam Halpert. She stood and crossed the room, running her hand along the satin of her wedding gown, thinking about how she almost gave in to being a very different woman in a very different life.

*********
He really wanted to call and check on Pam. His watch said 8:15 am. He wasn’t sure she’d be up but she was so emotional the night before that had been a little worried about her. He never doubted, though, that the tears were ones of love and happiness and not of uncertainty. She was smiling through her tears, and he had to admit there were a few he had wiped away himself. When Pam’s father had stood at the rehearsal, welcoming him into their family and saying how happy he had made his daughter, he had the hardest time keeping it together.

He could smell the breakfast his mom was cooking for them in the kitchen and it seemed odd that he would never stay here in his old room again alone. He looked around at the little trophies and stuff his mom had left there, all his old basketball pictures. It was a snapshot in time from his high school years.

“Hey, honey come eat something.” he heard his mom call through the door.
“Just a minute, Mom, I’m still waking up, okay?”
“Okay, just don’t be too long.” With that he heard her pad down the hall away from the door.

Jim picked up his cell phone and speed-dialed. She must have known he would call because it only took one ring.
“Hey. How’d you sleep?”
“Hey, okay, how ‘bout you?” She was smiling, he could tell.
“Pretty good,” he lied. “But I was lonely. Its really hard to sleep with all that quiet and no snoring coming from the other side of the bed.” He laughed thinking about her delicate little snoring noises.
“I do not snore. At least I don’t talk in my sleep.”
“Okay, okay. Well, the point is I missed you.” He put one arm behind his head on the pillow, raising up a little. “Did you miss me just a little?”

“Yes,” her voice was almost a whisper. “More than a little.”
“Listen, I have to go ‘cause my mom made breakfast and she keeps calling me. But hey, I guess next time I see you we won’t be single anymore.” It was really hard for him not to smile too much thinking about that.
“Yeah, we won’t. I can’t wait.”
“Me either.” Jim got off the bed and walked to his closet, pulling on his pajama pants. “Gotta go. Have a great day, Beesly.”
“You, too.”

Jim looked around his room as he threw the cell phone on his bed. It seemed like such a long time ago, and even though they were great memories it occurred to him how different he was now. He had been through a lot, most of it having to do with Pam but not all of it. It always seemed kind of sad to him to think about old memories because it almost seemed like they happened to someone else-and maybe they had in some way.

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Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.




..
When Jim thought about high school, it seemed like such a long time ago. It had been fun, he had lots of friends in high school. Lots of goofing around, sports and girls. Some girls, anyway. Jonathon had been the "relationship" guy. Jim usually just dated for fun. He mostly just wanted to go out with somebody he could joke around with but really didn't want to get serious with anybody. He figured if he found somebody he was that crazy about he'd know it. Jon, who was a couple of years older than him, had begun a serious relationship when he was a junior. Her name was Alex and he was crazy about her. They had dated all through high school and 1 year into college before breaking up.

It was college before Jim had what he considered an actual relationship. Her name was Amanda, and she was gorgeous. She was friendly and smart, and was studying to be a nurse. They got along pretty well but Jim had known she was getting serious and he just didn't know if he was ready for that-at least with her.

"How do you feel about her?" Jon had asked him one Saturday at their parents while they were watching a football game in the living room.
"I don't know, she's great. I mean, I like her alot."
"Okay, you have been with this girl for what, six months? Don't you think you oughta know by now?" Jon took a sip of his beer and sat back on the couch. He had a way of trying to talk to Jim about stuff like that and Jim always tried to steer the topic towards something lighter. But he really wasn't sure what to do about this girl, so he went with it.

"Yeah, I guess. I mean I don't really...I don't know. I wouldn't say I'm in love with her or anything like that. Whatever that means." Jim squirmed a little. It was weird talking about it even with his brother.
"Um, yeah, you need to break up with her before this gets out of hand and she thinks it's going somewhere it's not." Jon gave him a serious look and took another sip of his beer.

He hated when his brother made sense, which was most of the time. "Yeah, you're probably right, but I'm horrible at what to say when you have to do that."

"Don't put it off." Jon simply said and the conversation was over. As usual, Jim disreguarded his advice and six months later, he finally broke up with her and it was awful. She had thought it was going somewhere when it really wasn't.

Dating was just tedious, he thought. You had to make small talk to get to know someone, and if they weren't for you, it was awkward for the rest of the date. Then you had to figure out if it went well, whether you should call right away. Jim just didn't want to deal with all that shit that went along with dating, so he went out with friends instead. He knew guys that had girlfriends that they could laugh and have fun with but there was something else there too and he figured that's what he wanted, he just didn't know how to find it.

*********
Roy was the guy in high school that everybody wanted to date. He was the high school quarterback, cute with a great build and popular. His grades were nothing to brag about and sometimes Pam had tutored him at the request of his teacher. Before long, he asked her out and that shocked his jock friends. Pam was definitely not his usual type. She was artsy and quiet, had a couple of close friends she hung with and got good grades.

Pam remembered that when they first went out, she felt really odd around his friends. They were all joking around together about sports and stuff and she never felt included. But when they were alone he treated her like she was the only one in the world and it made up for everything else. Their first date had been awful, he and Kenny leaving her at the hockey game as she waited out front hoping he would come back for her. He spent two weeks trying to make it up-flowers, notes, and phone calls. She eventually gave in and that became a pattern with her and Roy. He would do something insensitive and stupid and then she'd forgive him after alot of begging and pleading on his part. Except that the begging and pleading disappeared after few years, replaced by a lone 'i'm sorry babe', a kiss and then plopping down in front of the T.V. in their apartment.

They had moved in together after they got engaged, much to the dismay of her parents. Her dad liked Roy, and her Mom pretended to just so Pam would be happy. Her mom saw that Roy discouraged Pam's art and didn't really want her to go to college. He had helped her get a job at Dunder Mifflin where he worked and Pam's mom thought it was so he could keep an eye on her. She went to junior college for a couple of years, getting her associates degree but never thought about doing anything with it.

Their engagement wasn't really a proposal. They had talked about getting married and Pam had said she wouldn't move in with him unless they were officially engaged. So one day, Roy drove up to the jewelry store after work, and told her to pick out something within his price range. They bought the ring and that was it. "You like it, right?" He said, raising his eyebrows and grinning at her.

"Yeah, its perfect." She smiled back at him, but nothing was said after that and then they got an apartment together soon afterwards. It was supposed to happen that way, she figured. They had dated a long time, he had been her first sexually, and it was just what she was supposed to do. She loved Roy and she was meant to be his wife. So why did she feel like something was missing?

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Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended


“Pam, the hair lady is here!” She heard her mom call from the next room. She was sitting in her room on the bed in an old faded blue velour robe. Jim called it her sexy old lady robe.

“Okay, send her in.” Pam stuck her head out the door and Lesha the girl who was doing her hair came down the hall with a handful of curlers, brushes and styling products.

“Hi, Pam.” She gave her a hug. “Are you getting nervous?”
“A little. I’m just ready for it to be time-right now!” Pam clasped her hands together over her mouth, covering a big smile. As she sat in the chair in the bedroom preparing to have her hair done, her mom and Lesha started chatting about the wedding. Pam’s eyes lingered on the closet doors hanging open where all Jim’s work shirts hung. A blue shirt. On his first day he had worn a blue shirt and a navy tie. His hair was much shorter than he’d ever worn it since.

She remembered it like it was yesterday.

Michael had excitedly informed everyone that there would be a new salesman starting that day. Pam was praying he wasn’t anything like the old grumpy guy who had quit two weeks ago. Generally, salesmen didn’t stay there very long. There had been 4 in the last 14 months. Between Dwight and his “initiation process” and Michael’s….well, everything, most of them couldn’t hang tough. Whoever it was, she would have to look across at them all day long, so she had her fingers crossed.

She was making a cup of coffee in the break room when Michael strolled in.

“Hey, here she is! Our most able receptionist extraordinaire. Miss Pamela Beesly.
Pam, this is Jim Halpert.” Pam had imagined what the sales guy might look like, but what she didn’t expect was a warm friendly smile and boyish good looks.

“Hi. Um, I guess I’ll be sitting across from you every day, huh?” His smile was big as he said it and she thought he had a kind of teasing gleam in his eyes.
“Yeah, and believe me, you’re a real improvement over the last person that sat there.” They both laughed and it was the weirdest thing. She felt like she had known him for a long time. She really never felt so at ease with a person before.

“Michael, I need to see you in your office for just a minute.” Toby stuck his head in the door to talk to Michael.
“Oh, Goooodd. Are you everywhere?” He looked at the ceiling, rolled his eyes, but Toby didn’t leave.
“Pam,” Michael said in an exasperated tone, “ Would you please show Jim to his desk while I take care of ….this?” At this he left and headed towards his office, leaving Jim and Pam alone.
“Well, let me show you your desk. Its very fancy so don’t get cocky, okay?” Pam remembered thinking he smiled at her in a way she couldn’t interpret and it made her stomach flip. At the time she thought it was weird that some person she didn’t even know could make her feel that way.

As they walked out of the kitchen area, Pam saw that Dwight was at his desk. She stopped, turned back to Jim and whispered, “Enjoy this moment, because you’re never going to go back to this time before you met your deskmate Dwight.” He gave her the oddest look and sideways smile, and there was something else in his face that make her stomach do that thing again. It was disconcerting.

Sure enough, Dwight was true to form. The first thing he did was ask Jim for his social security number and blood type and informed him that he would need a thorough background check performed. After he had settled in at his desk, Dwight decided it was important to find out if Jim had any knowledge of Jedi tactics.

Pam sat looking over at her desk, noting Jim’s wide-eyed expression. He just sat there for a minute, mouth hanging open, speechless. Then he looked over at Pam and smiled and she smiled back.

******

Jim was being hustled into his dad’s car by his mom and brother Jon. “We have to go now. Its already 12:15 and we're supposed to be there at 1:00. If we don’t stay on schedule, we’ll be late for pictures this afternoon.” His mom was always on time, and she had made sure Jim was today. “Okay, we have tuxes, shoes, Jon do you have the ring?” He said something in the affirmative as Jim leaned his head back against the seat, closing his eyes. It had been a tiring morning and he hadn’t slept well the night before anyway.

Pam. It had been the first time he’d had one moment to spare to think about her today. He had missed waking up to her smile that morning and remembered when he had seen that smile for the first time…It had changed everything he thought and felt about everything.

He had thought it was weird that Michael interviewed him in a Chili’s instead of at an office location when he was hired. According to Michael, he knew Jim was right for the job because he had just the right attitude and look, and because they needed a funny guy around the office. That interview just made so much more sense later on.

Michael showed him around the office. Almost everyone seemed friendly. Although he thought the accountant Angela seemed a little tightly wound. And Stanley from sales seemed a little uninterested.
“Oh, you need to meet one of the most important people in our family here, and that is our little receptionist Pam Beesly.” He stopped and turned around, lowering his voice a little. “She’s our little office hottie.” Jim immediately pictured a large breasted girl, maybe dressed a little inappropriately and wearing too much makeup. Maybe some big hair. Hooters, office style.

When they walked into the break room and she was standing in front of the coffee machine, he thought it must be another employee.
“Hey, here she is! Our most able receptionist extraordinaire, Miss Pamela Beesly.” Jim reached out to shake her hand and he really didn’t hear anything else. He remembered thinking she had the prettiest green eyes and warm smile. She was the exact opposite of the picture Michael had put into his head. She was definitely beautiful, but not in the way Michael had said.

He remembered she said something about his desk and he thought, ‘Oh my God, who is this girl?’ By the time she had walked him towards his desk, his eyes were glued to her face. He had never experienced the feeling of being so at ease with someone so instantly before. Then, she stopped, turned around and in a lowered voice, said, “Enjoy this moment, because you’re never going to go back to this time before you met your deskmate Dwight.” He looked up at the desk next to his, and back to Pam, who had a wry smile on her face. He knew he had to have looked like an idiot, gaping at her, his eyes unable to look away.

She showed him to his desk, introducing him to Dwight. The next hour or so was the strangest time in his whole life. At some point, Dwight asked him if he knew the art of using a light saber and he stole a look across the way at Pam sitting at reception. When he looked over, she was already watching him and smiling. Right at that moment, something happened that made him different. He didn’t get what it was right then, all he knew was that it was terribly hard not to sneak a look at her every few minutes. Partly because she was the best damn thing he‘d ever seen, and partly because he wondered if there was somebody else who thought Dwight was a lunatic.
.

When they arrived at the venue, the wedding planner Leslie showed them to the room where the guys would be getting ready. Jim's mom got busy hanging up the tuxedos and he and Jon helped with getting all their things out of the car.

There were only 3 of them, since they were trying to keep things small. Just he, his brother Jon was his best man and Mark his only groomsman. . It had been 3 years they'd rented the house together before Jim left and went to Stamford, but they had known each other much longer, since their second year of college.

Mark was already there and waiting when they walked in. "Hey man, its been awhile!" He shook Jim's hand and gave him a pat on the back. Mark was smiling, and Jim knew it was because he was genuinely happy for him. He had always liked Pam, and they got along really well. "So, you're actually gonna do this, huh?" He laughed, "God, man its about time!"

Mark was really the only person besides Jon who Jim had confided in at all about his feelings for Pam from the beginning. His mom only knew what little he had told her and the things she could tell by just knowing her son. Mark had been the one who dragged Jim up the stairs or onto the sofa anytime he had a little too much to drink when he was bummed about something that happened-or didn't happen-with Pam.

Jim remembered one incident in particular.

Jim hardly ever got really angry. So when he walked in one Tuesday afternoon after work and Mark heard him slam the door and then a "Damnit!' to himself then walk to the kitchen and go straight for a beer, he knew something was up. It had to be either work....or Pam.

"What the hell?.." Mark walked into the kitchen. Jim was standing against the cabinet next to the fridge, his lips in a thin line, his jaw working. When he saw Mark he just started shaking his head. Mark was his sounding board for all things Pamela Beesly.

"God, sometimes I just want to shake the hell out of her!" He took a gulp of the beer and then shoved his other hand into his pocket.

"Okay, what is it this time?"Mark sat down at the bar, knowing he would be there awhile. But he didn't care, since Jim had listened to all the crap he went through with women.

"I don't understand why she lets him treat her like shit. We had these stupid seminars today and, well...anyway, Jan tells her about this great internship in graphic design and she's really excited about it. She would be great at it, so I told her she should go for it. And then that freaking jack ass walked in and do you know what he told her?" He was pacing now.

"No, but I have a feeling you're gonna tell me." Mark was eating some leftover peanuts and Jim had handed him a beer out of the fridge.

"He told her that she shouldn't do it because there was no guarantee it would lead to anything." He stopped pacing to look over at Mark, raising his eyebrows and smiling a sarcastic smile.

"I'm sure he didn't add that there wouldn't be anybody there to help drag his drunk ass to bed on Saturday night after he left her home all weekend by herself while he's downing shots at Poor Richard's." Jim's anger didn't seem to Mark to be waning, just getting worse.

"But the worse part is that she can't see it." Jim grabbed another beer and popped it open.
"I confronted her in the kitchen and asked her why she wasn't doing it. And dammit, Mark, she starts making excuses for him. Then I kind of lost it with her." Mark started to see him soften a little, like he was kind of sorry he was so hard on her, even though he was furious. "Man, I'm done trying to figure it out. I quit, I just can't do this anymore."

Mark laughed. If he had a dime for every time he heard that...."Yeah, right, Jim. Listen, man just pop open a few, chill out and get her off your mind. Why don't we ask some guys over for poker? That's what you need."

"I don't know." Jim looked down at the floor. He was still angry but exhaustion had taken over his features. Exhaustion from all the sleepless nights of trying to figure out how to climb out of this hole he found himself in. "Man, what the hell did I do to deserve this?"

"Oh, no, we're not having that shit tonight! No pity party here, okay? I'm getting on the horn right now. We're doing this and I'm taking all your money, too." Mark had gotten up to start calling guys for a game and Jim fell back on the sofa. He wondered how long he could go like this.

********

Pam had long ago just resigned herself to being lonely. She didn't know why, she just...had. She knew later that she had just lied to herself and started believing that it wasn't loneliness, it was "alone time". And she got a hell of alot of it. When Roy wanted to go fishing with Kenny, or go out to Poor Richard's with Darryl or whatever else, she would complain and put up a fight early on and then later on she realized that she'd rather him not be there anyway.

Once he had shot her dreams down and discouraged her from taking the internship, she felt a knot of resentment settling in toward Roy. It was around that time when thoughts of Jim began to creep in and take the place of thoughts of him. But they definitely weren't the same. At all.

The way she felt when she thought about Jim electrified her, made her lose herself. Those daydreams encompassed fulfilled dreams and art and laughter. They were passionate and sometimes felt so real she wished he were there so she could reach out and touch him. There were even times she daydreamed about making love to him, wondering if it would be slow and deliberate or fierce and ardent. She knew she should feel awful, but she didn't.

One afternoon she sat alone in her living room watching T.V. and sadness overtook her. Roy had gone camping that weekend with Kenny and some guys he knew, leaving Pam home as usual. Why should she feel sad, she thought? Why couldn't she spend time with her best friend if he was going to leave her to spend time by herself. But that's how it worked with Roy. He could go wherever he wanted, but anytime Pam made plans he acted put out.

Pam knew exactly what she wanted to do, and knew it was flirting with something she knew she had no business delving into. She picked up her cell and speed-dialed.

"Hey, you're calling on a Saturday? Is everything okay, Beesly?" His voice sounded so good to her, she closed her eyes so she could commit it to memory.

"Well, Roy is gone again this weekend, and I decided I'm tired of sitting in the house. Wanna do something?" She twirled a lock of hair nervously. Oh God, she thought, please don't let him have plans...

"Let me look at my calendar. It says...um...oh, yeah. Here it is. It says 'doing something with Pam Beesly' right here. Yep, I'm good. " She could hear his smile through the phone and she laughed. "So," he continued, "What were you thinking?"

"I don't know. You wanna come pick me up and we can figure it out?"
"Yeah," he said, "that sounds great. Give me about half an hour."
"Okay, bye." Pam was giddy at the thought of spending an entire afternoon, maybe evening with him.

He showed up at her door about 45 minutes later. When she opened the door, Pam had to catch her breath. She hardly ever saw him without his work clothes on. He had on some faded jeans and a dark brown v neck sweater over a white T shirt.

"Hey, Beesly." He didn't say anything for a minute and she could swear he looked nervous but she knew she must've been mistaken. "Well, this is wierd, huh?"

"What do you mean?" She said, with a small smile, but she knew exactly what he meant.
"I mean, we never see each other on weekends, that's all." He had his hands shoved deep into his pockets. Pam thought he seemed so tall right then and it made her stomach flutter. She saw him every day. Why did this time seem different?

"You know, that's a damn shame, huh? We'll have to change that, won't we?" Pam said quickly. She felt a little brave and adventurous all of a sudden. She noticed Jim's eyebrows shot up in surprise when she said it.

"Yeah, we will," he answered.

They decided to play mini golf, since Michael had taken the whole office once and Jim beat Pam she said she had to redeem herself. They played twice in a row and Pam couldn't remember when she had laughed so hard or had so much fun.

When they were finished they grabbed a burger and Jim drove Pam back to she and Roy's house. She suddenly wished she could forget that name all together.

He walked her inside. "Well, you play a mean game of mini golf, Pam." He was leaning against the closed front door, smiling just a little. But his eyes, thought Pam, were different. There was something in them that made her want to fling her arms around him and run away all at the same time. They stood there for far too long in silence, but oddly enough it wasn't awkward.

Finally, Pam looked at the floor. "Hey, thanks for this. I had lots of fun and I really needed that today." She caught his eye and smiled earnestly.

"I know. I could tell." She didn't expect him to cross the space between them, place his hands on either side of her face and kiss her softly on her forehead.

"See you at work Monday." He turned, walked out the door and was gone.

It seemed so lonely again. And Pam fell down on the sofa and began to sob quietly.

Sleep alluded Pam. So much so that she began to have circles under her eyes, and her coworkers had started to notice. Kelly offered her a beauty product for it and Meredith asked several times if she wanted a swig of Vodka.

She didn’t know if they knew she missed Jim. For the first time in her life, she honestly didn’t give a damn. The sleepless, sorrowful pit she had fallen into made it impossible for her to truly concentrate on anything else. And Roy had begun to notice something was wrong. The funny thing was that he guessed what was wrong--but he didn’t.

“Babe, I know what’s wrong with you. Why you’re not getting any sleep and all that.” He said one day when she was doing the dishes in the kitchen and he walked in to get a beer.
“What?’ She said, her head spinning around, her eyes wide as saucers.
“I know you miss Halpert. I mean, you guys talked and stuff and you don’t have anybody to really talk to at work anymore.”
Pam didn’t say anything, she just continued to do the dishes, focusing her attention on the sink so Roy wouldn’t see the tears beginning to well up in her eyes.
“It’ll be okay Pammy. I mean there’s girls you can talk to in the office, right? Like that Kelly chic. She seems kind of cool.” He rummaged around in the fridge, completely oblivious to the fact that his fiance had tears streaming down her cheeks.
“Yeah, she’s nice.” Pam said, hoping he would leave, and when he did she completely lost it. She leaned onto the kitchen counter, her face in her hands, trying to sob quietly so Roy wouldn’t hear. Although she doubted he would since the football game was in full swing.

She stealthily snuck into the bathroom while he was occupied and fell into a heap on the floor, running a bath so he wouldn’t hear her deep sobbing. When she had run out of tears and sunk into her hot bath, tears dried on her face and her nose red from crying, she leaned her head back and closed her eyes.

She hadn’t been able to think clearly since the day he told her he was in love with her. She kept thinking that weekend that she could talk to him, make things alright. Maybe reason with him….something, anything to make it okay again. But when she walked through the door Monday morning and Michael announced that Jim was gone for good, it was as if someone hit her in the stomach with a two by four. She spent the majority of the morning in the bathroom and by noon, she begged sickness to Michael and took the afternoon off.

She had asked Roy for the truck to go home in, and then once she left she drove to the park, sat in his truck and cried for three hours straight.

So now, she felt the walls closing in on her. Every time she looked at Roy, every time his mom called to discuss the wedding. Michael asking her if she was ill. Thank God her mom hadn’t seen her. She had known her mom would know what it was immediately, recalling their conversation the night Jim and she had kissed.

****

Pam sat on their bed, and looked at her wedding gown. It was beautiful and perfect, and she couldn’t wait for Jim to see her in it. She couldn’t wait to see his eyes when she walked down the aisle. It had simple lines and a lace overlay. It was the complete opposite of the dress she had picked out for her first wedding, and so was everything else she had done this time.

The hairdresser had finished her hair, and it was set in big curls, pinned back loosely on either side with dainty sequined hair pins.

Thinking back on that time in her life was so painful, that a lump formed in her throat. She couldn’t think of the happiness of the day she was about to experience without feeling the hurt she felt when she almost pledged those vows to the wrong man. It made her shudder to think how close she had come. Her mom, who she could hear walking the hall outside her room, was gathering things that they needed to take to the wedding venue. Her mom had been there when she crashed and burned that day, finally admitting to herself what she knew in her gut all along.

****

No, her mom hadn’t seen her-only talked to her on the phone up to that point. Pam knew she could tell something was wrong, but she always steered the conversation away from anything relating to Jim.

But she could only avoid it for so long, because that day, a Wednesday, was three days away from she and Roy’s wedding and it was time to check the fitting and pick up her dress.

She now dreaded everything having to do with this wedding. The finality, the reality-of it was becoming paralyzing to her.

Her mom was supposed to meet her for lunch at the deli near the Bridal shop in Scranton and then they would head their to pick up her wedding dress. When Pam pulled into the parking lot of the deli, her mom was waiting beside her car. Linda Beesly was absolutely unprepared for the way her daughter looked and when she walked up to her, she had to squint to see that it was Pam.

She had lost at least 10 pounds, she had circles under eyes that Pam had tried to cover with makeup unsuccessfully. But beyond that, there was a fear-a sadness-in her eyes that her mom could see and she knew she had to do something about it. But she also knew that with Pam it would have to be eased into. Pam had never reacted well to being backed into a corner, not even as a child, and Mrs. Beesly knew she would have to ease into the subject of what was really wrong.


“Hey sweetie.” She hugged her daughter, noting how small she felt. “It’s so wonderful to see you. It’s been way too long.” She said, grabbing Pam’s hand and walking with her to eat lunch.

They ordered their meals, and talked about mundane things, like her dad’s fishing trip and the vacation he and her mom were taking to the beach in a couple of months.

Her mom looked up, seeing an opportunity to dig a little deeper.
“Pam, I know you won’t want to discuss this, but….you look very tired and you’ve lost a lot of weight. I’m so worried about you.” When Pam looked into her mom’s eyes, they were deeply concerned. The weight that bore down on her-had been suffocating her-since that night she last saw Jim finally seemed too much to bear.
“I know, mom. It’s….I can’t…I can’t help it. I don’t know what to do.” Her eyes when they met Linda’s were scared and begging for her sympathy.
“Sweetie, we need to spend some time today talking. You can tell me absolutely anything, and you know I love you. You know I want the best for you-whatever that means.” Her mom emphasized the word whatever, and Pam knew what she meant.

Pam realized that if they didn’t leave they would be late for her fitting, which truthfully would have been fine with her.

When they arrived at the salon, the sales lady pulled Pam’s dress and sent her in to change. Mrs. Beesly waited outside the dressing room, hoping to see some semblance of happiness in Pam’s demeanor. But what she heard from inside was sobbing.

“Pam, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” She asked quietly through the door. But she knew the answer.
“Oh, God, mom I can’t do this! I have to get this off of me. Please help me get it off.”
Linda opened the door, and Pam sat hunched over in a chair in her wedding gown, her head in her hands sobbing and gasping for breath. She looked up when her mom came in.
“Mom, mom…I’m so…I’m so sorry! What do I do? I can’t let everybody down like this. What…what..” and her voice trailed off as she shook her head, tears streaming down her face, her hazel eyes clouded and panicked.
Linda Beesly crouched down next to her daughter, who was weeping softly now. She took her face in her hands. “Now, listen to me Pamela Morgan Beesly. You are precious to me. And I did not give birth to you to watch you spend your life with a man you don’t love who doesn’t treat you as you deserve.” She had a resolute look on her face, and Pam stopped crying as she listened closely to her mom. “Now, Pamela,”she said sternly, “you tell me right now, before we walk out of here. Are you still in love with Roy?”

Pam shook her head no, almost immediately and her mother continued.

“Do you love Jim?” And Pam looked up and nodded, another tear escaping her lashes.
“Yes, I do. And he’s gone. He’s gone for good and it’s my fault and I think he probably hates me.”
“Well, either way, you can’t marry a man you don’t love especially if you are in love with someone else.”
Her mom helped her out of her dress and told the clerk they wouldn’t be needing it after all, and holding Pam’s hand, helped her to the car.
“You have something to do, Pam and I am going to be there to be your support. I won’t let you chicken out, because I know you have to do this. I can see he isn’t the one for you.” Her mom was being her rock, and later on Pam thought back that she didn’t know if she’d have the courage if it weren’t for her.

They went to she and Roy’s house and to Pam’s horror, Roy was already home. She had hoped she’d have some time to prepare herself before this happened.

“You can do this, Pam. I’m here and I won’t let you wiggle out of it.” Pam knew she wouldn’t, either.

Her mom stayed on the porch as Pam had asked her to. That way she and Roy would have privacy, but she knew her mom would be there if she needed her.

“Hey, you got home early. Do you want me to leave so you can bring your dress in?” Roy was lying on the couch, one leg dangling off, half asleep.
“Roy, we’ve gotta talk.” Pam’s voice was shaky.
“Oh, man, Pam, can we do it later? I’m beat. We just finished washing the jet skis.”
“NO.” The insistence in Pam’s voice made Roy raise his head, and he knew she was serious. When he sat up and took in her face, she saw that something was wrong.
“Pam, what’s going on?”
“Roy…”She stopped, and took a deep breath. She decided to come out with it, be frank and not beat around the bush. “I’m not marrying you.”
Roy’s face was utter shock and he shook his head looking confused. She thought she’d be scared or upset, but it felt as if a weight had been lifted, and it gave her sudden courage. And she thought of Jim’s eyes. His eyes looking at her that night at his desk, and saw the love in them. His eyes were so different from anything she ever saw in Roy’s. It suddenly occurred to her that she wanted that look-wanted it from Jim.

“What the hell are you talking about? Pam…I mean, you know women get cold feet all the time. Maybe you need to talk to your mom.” he stood and paced, his hands on his waist.
“My mom’s outside. She knows I’m doing this and she supports my decision. I told her that…”Pam paused, knowing she would shatter him in her next words,”I don’t love you anymore. I haven’t for a very long time. I just didn’t realize it until now.”
Roy was utterly speechless for a long time. He looked at the floor.
“You don’t know what you’re sayin’ , babe. It…you just are scared, that’s all.”
“No, Roy.” And as if she knew what he was thinking before it came out, she said, “ No, there’s no one else, I just can’t marry you. We shouldn’t be together.”
She didn’t feel guilty for saying it, since it was true. Jim wasn’t the main reason they shouldn’t be together. There were lots of other reasons.

He spent the next hour and a half trying to talk her out of it. Then he realized It was no use and he went into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

Pam quickly made for the bedroom, grabbing a duffel bag and swiftly throwing things into it-clothes, shoes, pajamas-anything she might need. And when she heard him leave the bathroom, she snuck down the hall and grabbed her toothbrush and some toiletries, her glasses and contact lens items. She had to make an exit quickly. She needed to get out of there, out of this hell she’d been living.

He stood in the living room as she walked toward the door with her bag.

“This can’t be over, Pammy.” He looked at her, eyes red from crying.
“I’m sorry Roy, I never wanted to hurt you. I just-it would be a huge mistake and we’d both regret it.”
He didn’t move a muscle as she walked out the door, only quietly stating, “I’m not giving up that easy.”

She was out. She finally did it. She felt free.

.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.


God, how did Michael get in here, Jim thought? He had his head stuck in the door of their dressing area and it was obvious his eyes were searching for him. Just as he was about to sneak into the bathroom, Michael’s eyes found him.

“Hey, Jim. Buddy. Wow, this is the big day!” Michael was grinning ear to ear.
“Michael, the wedding doesn’t start for three and a half more hours. You’re reaaalllly early.” Jim gave him a puzzled look.

“Well, I know I’m not in the wedding, but I’m more important than just the regular wedding people. I mean, I am the reason you guys are together at all…’cause if it weren’t for me you wouldn’t even know each other. So, I’m sort of like the one who molded your love together.” Michael was grinning ear to ear, and it took a lot for Jim not to roll his eyes.

“Okay, Michael,” Jim knew he’d regret letting him hang around, “just, look, there’s a lot going on and you’ll have to kind of stay out of the way.”

“Hey, I am here to make your day awesome, not mess it up!” Michael was giddy. “Oh, and Jim, listen…later I want us to have some time to talk a little about the honeymoon. I mean, Pam is gonna expect something really great tonight and I’ve got some pointers,
So-” At that Jim forced his gaping mouth closed, extremely thankful that Leslie was making her way over. He would have to figure out later how to escape that little talk.

“So, listen I need to go over what the next few hours are going to be like with you guys and everything, so I need your full attention.” She spoke in a raised voice so everyone could hear.

Jim noted thankfully that Michael had slipped out, but his fear was that he would be turning his attention to Pam instead. Although the thought did make him laugh a little because he knew they would laugh about it later. He could just picture Michael trying to tell Pam about what was ‘expected’ of her on her honeymoon and Pam’s face horrified and amused all at once.

As much as Jim tried to listen to Leslie’s agenda for the afternoon, his mind began to wander. It had done that a lot today. The fact that he and Pam would be husband and wife in a few hours had made him reflective, made the reality of all they had been through weigh heavily on his mind and heart. Out of nowhere, a stab of something like an ache pervaded him as he recalled a time when things were not so promising. When his future looked much less certain.

*****
Another wedding. Another woman.

He remembered thinking about how gorgeous and sexy Karen looked when he had picked her up for Phyllis’ wedding that Saturday. Until he laid eyes on Pam.

His pulse had raced when he saw Karen, he was aroused and for a minute he wanted to skip the event altogether and just take her to bed, peel that little black dress off of her so her could forget. He always forgot for a little while when he was making love to Karen.

It was never the same feeling whenever he first caught a glimpse of Pam. Yes, his pulse would quicken, but soon after would be the ache, the stab of pain at not being able to walk over and press his lips to hers. And to not be able to sit next to her, laughing about something ridiculous that would escape anyone else’s notice. He would run his eyes over every part of her-hair, curled softly away from her face, her dark brown silk dress and the way she tilted her head when she laughed.

A quick look at Karen and he felt empty, and guilty because he knew why.

It had been hard during the reception to fight the urge to ask Pam to dance with him. It was a wedding reception, after all. The only thing stopping him was Karen and the promise of more soul-bearing late night conversations. There was no way he was putting himself through that hell again.

So when she had snuck up beside him at the bar, and he turned to see her there he was caught off guard. There was something about the moment that made him feel an ease with her, almost like it used to be. And when she smiled at him before he walked away, for just a millisecond he let a sliver of hope wash over him. He had tried to hide it from the camera when they asked him-had thought he probably failed.

Karen had gone to dance with Toby and Roy, who had hovered over Pam(pathetically, Jim thought) all night had finally walked away from the table. He had to talk to her, say something. Just be near her for a few minutes.

“Hey, Beesly.” He sat down next to her at the table. “You shouldn’t sit here all by yourself, you know. You’re just a sitting duck to all the single males in the room. Haven’t you seen that movie Wedding Crashers?”

She laughed, “Oh, if anybody bothers me I’ll just tell them Michael is my dad and that should do it.” It made her heart leap when he grinned widely, laughing. His laugh. God, she missed his laugh.

“Well, that would definitely scare a few guys away, Pam. But you may scare away the good ones, too.”He was teasing her the way he used to. For a minute, she had to remind herself that the last year had even happened. It was so familiar, so easy to banter with him that way.

Her next sentence just came out before she could think.

“Yeah, I’m pretty good at scaring away the good ones, you know.” Her eyes met his and they never left and she saw a look a pain flicker across them.

Jim didn’t know what to think about what she’d said let alone what to say in return. Her eyes looked full of regret, he thought. But then he had misread her eyes before. He’d thought once before he saw love and he was wrong.

But he had to see where the conversation would go. He thought he must be the biggest fool in the world.
“For example…?” He decided he’d let her lead this where she wanted it to go.

“Well, um…” she looked like she was contemplating how to answer. “Sometimes you don’t know what you have til it’s gone. Sometimes something really great is right in front of you and…”she paused and licked her lips slowly, “..its really scary. So you run because it’s so…real.” She had looked down at the table as she said it, but she met his eyes now.

Jim was fully speechless. He wanted to say something like, ‘Oh God please tell me you made a mistake and I will do absolutely anything, anything. Tell me you’re in love with me and I will leave with you right now! ’

But it was then that Karen decided to make herself known.

“Hey Halpert, I need a dance! Come on, you’ve been sitting here all night.” She gave Pam a sideways glance and grabbing Jim’s hand, led him to the dance floor for a slow tune. He managed to give his attention to Karen long enough to pull her closer. If he pulled her a little closer, he could look over her and glance back at Pam…gauge her expression.

When he looked up, her face made his stomach flop, made him queasy.
She was gazing at him, sadly, almost lovingly he thought. He didn’t know what to think-didn’t want to misread like he had so many times before. No, he thought, he was positive of what he saw on her face. He thought he saw something like grief in her expression and at once she got up and walked out, not looking back. He immediately wished he could go after her.

When the song was over, he scanned the room and Pam was nowhere to be found. He headed to the bar, hoping she might return like earlier that night. As he turned to his right to scan again, he felt a familiar sick gnawing pain pull at his stomach at the sight in front of him.

Pam. Roy. Holding hands and walking out the door together. A wave of nausea washed over Jim and he made his way quickly to the restroom. He had to just get away from Karen, from everyone. As soon as he had entered a bathroom stall, he collapsed against the closed door, rubbing his hands over his face, trying to calm his jagged breath.

He had done it to himself. Again. Shit, when would he learn? How many times would he let her rip his heart out before he let her go completely?

Something told him he’d probably let her do it as many times as she’d give him the chance to.

***

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.



It was so dreary that day. You know, one of those days where the weather makes you feel like curling up on your couch and calling in sick to work. It was raining and overcast and just yucky. Pam had forgotten her umbrella that day and she had to park on the far side of the parking lot because she was running late. The only parking space left was the one next to Jim’s car.

By the time she reached the front door, she was soaked. She had on her coat, so her shirt didn’t get wet, but her shoes were filled with water and her hair was dripping.

She walked in the front door and the first thing that greeted her was Karen standing at reception. Her hair perfectly pulled into a ponytail, in a cute little charcoal pantsuit. Pam thought that she could probably be soaking like she was and she’d still look perfect. She wanted to hate her. But she didn’t.

“Wow, somebody forgot their umbrella today!” Karen smiled when Pam walked through the door. She was extremely thankful that Jim was not at his desk to see her looking like a drenched stray dog.
“Yeah, I was running late and didn’t have time to go back for it.” Pam took her coat off and headed for the bathroom hoping to dry herself off a little.

She made it safely to the door of the kitchen, but not beyond. And of course, there was Jim heading out of the break room holding his cup of coffee. Of course, she thought. This was the kind of cruel trick fate had thrown at her lately.

When Jim caught site of her, his mouth immediately broke into a huge grin. Pam hadn’t known what was coming next. Lately he could be downright sweet and heartbreakingly like her old friend, and then the next day he looked at her as if he could see right through her.
“What?” she acted surprised, as if she didn’t know what he was laughing at.
“God, Beesly, what happened to you? Were you outside playing in the puddles? I haven’t done that since about 3rd grade!” He leaned against the counter as she stood at the ladies room door, one hand against it.

“Very funny. Mother nature was not kind to me this morning, and to top it off I got stuck on the other end of the parking lot-with no umbrella.” She raised her eyes to the wet tendril of hair hanging over her forehead. “But if I had known I was gonna get this wet I might have jumped a few puddles.” She smiled widely at him. She noticed his eyes suddenly softened and they never left her face. They stood there in silence for a few minutes.

“Well, I better try to dry off. I look pretty awful, I know.” Pam laughed nervously.
“No, you look pretty nice for someone so soggy. I bet all the other wet people are very jealous.” With that he walked toward the door and smiled back at her before walking back towards his desk.

Pam swallowed hard, a knot in her throat the size of Texas. Why did he have to make it so damn difficult? If he had been he kind of guy that was an ass, and bitter and mean she might have fared better. But no, not Jim. Everything she had liked about him when they were friends was just clearer and more obvious to her.

After getting her hair a little dryer from the hand dryer in the bathroom, and using paper towels to soak up the water in her shoes, she spent the afternoon trying not to study the hair curling up on the back of his neck. Trying not to watch for when he would turn his head so she could see his profile. Then when she had to walk to his desk to give him a purchase order one of his clients had faxed, she tried not to be too obvious when she leaned a little too close so she could breathe in the smell of his hair. Later, as she was sitting at her desk, she looked over at Karen talking on the phone and she felt stupid. She was walking around trying to study him and smell him and he was going home with and probably making love to her every night. Soggy receptionist vs. pink-lipped well-dressed career saleswoman. What a choice, she thought!

At five, it was still pouring. Pam finished her work right at 5 and headed downstairs dreading the thought of having to get all wet again in the damn rain. But she wanted to leave before Jim and Karen so that they wouldn’t see her getting into her car all dripping wet. But as she was waiting for the rain to let up just the slightest little bit, the elevator doors opened and there stood Jim.

He had an umbrella in his hand and jogged over to where she was standing near the door. “Hey, I’m glad I caught you.”
“Oh, were you trying to catch me jumping in the puddles?” She half-laughed, a nervous little laugh.
“Well, if that’s what you want, but I sort of borrowed Karen’s umbrella so you could get out to your car and not get so soaked.” He wasn’t frowning or smiling. She couldn’t read his expression at all. She was almost certain Karen didn’t know anything that had gone on between them. If she did, then she didn’t show it. And she figured Karen would be the one walking her out if she had known.

“Um, O…okay. Thanks. Are you gonna..?” She motioned to the car outside, losing her words.
“Oh, yeah, Karen needs it back so I’ll just walk you to your car.” He opened the door, and she had to duck under his arm to get outside. The umbrella was one of those smallish compact ones, and he had to stand extremely close behind her in order for them both to fit underneath. She thought her heart skipped a beat when she felt his warm breath against her ear.

They rushed to her car, and he stopped outside her door while she fumbled with her keys. She unlocked her door and looked up, getting a little dizzy at his nearness and thinking she had forgotten how much taller he seemed when he was standing close to her and how she would have to stand on her tiptoes to touch her lips to his mouth…”Hey, thanks. I owe you one.” She smiled a little shy smile.
“Okay, I’ll remember that Beesly. Drive careful, okay?” And as soon as she closed her car door, she saw him walk swiftly back to the building. She thought she saw him stop and watch her leave, but she was afraid to look back.

Maybe rainy weather wasn’t so yucky after all.