One of the fluorescent lights was about to go out. It was buzzing obnoxiously, distracting Jim from the work he was already having a hard time focusing on. He thought about picking up the phone and calling someone in building maintenance, but it would take them several hours to send someone up to fix it, and even without the annoying buzz he wasn’t going to get anything done. The beautiful woman sitting just a few feet away seemed to have permanently hampered his once stellar work ethic, reducing him to this pathetic, anxious, wreck of a human being who couldn’t even focus long enough to write a few numbers and sign his name on a couple forms.

Today was expense report today. Once a month his boss presented them each with the forms, and they all groaned in misery as they grabbed their pencils and scrambled for receipts and documents they’d probably misplaced over the last few weeks. Usually he didn’t mind doing the expense reports. It was a one day respite from making cold calls and coming up with new creative ways to convince people to buy paper from a company that, admittedly, was more expensive and less convenient than other companies. He could only come up with so many different ways to convince people of their “great customer service” before he wanted to slam his head against his desk.

Selling paper had never exactly been a dream of his. Like many other misguided college students, he went through a plethora of majors before finally settling on English. His mom was an English teacher, so it seemed like the easy answer. He tried his hand at political science his first semester, then realised he cared nothing for politics after all. While studying for a final in the library, he met a beautiful, perky redhead who was majoring in communications. After a few hours of flirting with her, he was convinced communications was his true calling and promptly went home and registered for a few courses. A year later, he and Katy were no longer together, and he abandoned the communications idea for something a little more interesting. He was suddenly entertaining the notion of being something great, feeling a little overshadowed by his older brother the future lawyer. When Matt got accepted to a prestigious northeastern law school and he was still just drifting along making adequate grades at a state school, he decided he needed to do something equally impressive. So he started taking science courses and telling people he was going to be a doctor. Doctor Halpert had a nice ring to it, and for a few months, his mother beamed with pride and told everyone she met about her sons, the future lawyer and the future doctor. He did okay, for a while, until organic chemistry. The weed-out course weeded him out, and he was left a first semester junior with no clue what to do with his life. So he picked English, just like his mom. He liked to read, and he was a pretty decent writer, so it seemed like an okay fit for him. At least better than all the other alternatives.

Once he graduated, however, he felt as aimless as he had in college. He never had any aspirations of being a teacher, and he wasn’t really cut out for an advanced degree. Matt might thrive in academia, but he just wasn’t the type. Still, his pride wouldn’t allow him to move back in with his parents and work some minimum wage job while he “found himself” and figured out his true calling. He saw an ad in the newspaper for Dunder Mifflin, and it seemed like a great start-up position. He originally applied for a position in Scranton, Pennsylvania, where he grew up. His family had since relocated to Allentown, but he still had some friends in Scranton. When the company offered him the position in Stamford, two hours away from Scranton, it didn’t take him long to warm up to the idea. It was a new city, a new place, but it was also right on the coast, and Connecticut seemed like a pretty great place to live.

It was supposed to just be temporary. Just a job. He used his graduation money to pay his first month’s rent on a small but comfortable apartment, and he planned on working for Dunder Mifflin for six months, a year at most, while he saved up some money and figured out what it was he really wanted to do with his life. It wasn’t an entirely bad deal. His boss was fairly laid back, his co-workers were quirky but entertaining, and he turned out to be pretty good at sales. His natural charm and easy-going ways seemed to win people over, and when some of his colleagues couldn’t close the deal, he almost always could. But he still didn’t want to stay there forever. Who really wanted to work at a mid-size company selling paper to an increasingly paper-less world? Everyone knew the company would probably be obsolete in a decade or so, and Dunder Mifflin wasn’t really doing anything to edge out the competition. He was on board a sinking ship, and he planned on getting out as soon as he saved up enough to coast for a few months while he looked for a new job.

He was really about to do it, too. He’d always been the kind of guy who just stuck with inertia, but sometimes he had nightmares about staying here forever, about waking up one day and being a forty-something paper salesman. Josh was an okay guy, a good boss, and they even had fun every now and then, but he didn’t want to be Josh. He was thinking about putting his English major to good use and taking some courses in journalism at a community college nearby, maybe someday getting a job as a sports writer. He wouldn’t have to go back to school full-time, and it would be something he actually enjoyed, something he could be passionate about. He even went so far as to pick up a course catalogue at the community college and earmarked a few pages with classes that piqued his interest.

Then she arrived. Just when he was ready to leave, she walked in the door, tossed her long hair over her shoulder, and flashed him a smile.

Four years later, he still remembered that moment as the first time he fell.

She was gorgeous. He didn’t date a whole lot through high school or college, but when he did, they were usually the same type. Cute, all-American type girls, girls with perfect smiles and bright, happy laughs. But she was different from the rest. She took everything he knew and flipped it upside down. Suddenly, all he could think of was olive skin and dark, gleaming hair. She wasn’t particularly perky, didn’t laugh loudly at all of his jokes. In fact, sometimes she didn’t laugh at all. She would just give him a look, like she couldn’t believe he’d just said that, and then after a moment she would finally crack a smile but roll her eyes and return to her work.

Every time she did it, he fell all over again.

Karen was smart. Karen was sophisticated. She grew up in New York City, and he could see it in her attitude and her tastes. She didn’t take crap from anyone, and she held her own with every single client she ever faced. Every day, she walked into the office looking perfectly polished and put together. She would walk by his desk, smile that delicious little half-smile, and casually say, “Hey Halpert.” Then he would spend the next fifteen or twenty minutes trying to come up with something clever to say to her, something that would elicit that eye roll or maybe, just maybe, her sarcastic laugh.

In the first month after Karen arrived, his sales figures dropped over ten percent, prompting a call from Josh into his office to talk about his productivity issues. He did his best to recover, but knowing that she was sitting just behind him made it incredibly hard to focus on anything even remotely related to paper. He was always turning around and making goofy little faces at her, forcing her to stick out her tongue at him or swivel around in her chair to try to ignore him.

It was immature, foolish, and severely cutting into his plans to leave Dunder Mifflin. But every time she smiled at him, every time he won a laugh or heard her call him by his last name, he decided it was more than worth it. He put away the course catalogue and resolved to register for classes the next semester, when he was just a little more financially secure. Of course, he knew it wasn’t about money, but he wasn’t ready to admit he was letting a silly crush interrupt his life plans.

Eventually, Karen became his reason for getting up, his reason for dragging himself into work each morning. A few months after she started at Dunder Mifflin, one of the other salesmen was fired for stealing company supplies. To replace him, Josh hired Andy Bernard. In Andy, Jim saw an opportunity to get closer to Karen. The new guy began his first day by doling out nicknames – Big Tuna for Jim, since he just happened to be eating a tuna sandwich for lunch – and ended it with an impromptu a capella performance. Clearly, something had to be done.

He started out small. After warring with her all day over a squeaky chair, he solved the problem by giving it to Andy. Her eyes lit up a little when she realised what he’d done, and he decided his plan was going to work. They would team up together against Andy, and somehow, he would win her over. She would discover his sense of humour, get to know him better, and decide he wasn’t just a suck-up paper salesman in desperate need of a haircut.

One day, he found a box of Jello in his pantry. He couldn’t even remember the last time he bought Jello, but he vaguely recalled a few parties with gelatine shots and figured it must have been leftover from his college days. It got him thinking, and when he went to work that morning, he stuck the Jello in his messenger bag….just in case.

When Andy discovered his calculator encased in Jello, Jim earned his very first out-loud Karen laugh. It was intoxicating, and he stopped caring about his sales figures altogether. Josh quit caring as long as he got his work done, and though he was living a little more frugally, he felt at least ten times more alive than he did before he met her.

By the time the next semester rolled around, the course catalogue was shoved somewhere in his desk, hidden beneath extra order forms and pencils and other various office supplies. He felt a brief wave of regret as he resigned himself to another few months at Dunder Mifflin, but then she threw a pencil and hit him square in the back to get his attention. “Halpert,” she called in a whisper that could be heard on the other side of the office.

“Do you mind? I’m in the middle of something incredibly important,” he answered without turning around.

“This is so much more important,” she assured him. “Your assistance is required. Immediately.”

“Well, when you put it that way.” He turned around and offered his hand in a dramatic display of devotion. “At your service.”

“They’re out of my chips in the vending machine.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Would I kid about that?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

He knew she wouldn’t. Karen was very serious about her potato chips. He couldn’t remember a single day since she started that she didn’t retreat to the break room and buy a bag of Herr’s potato chips sometime between lunch and quitting time. The distress on her face, though mostly feigned, began him on a mission that took the rest of the day. They made phone calls, affected accents, assumed identities, and finally, he tracked down her precious chips in the office across from theirs. He realised when he went home that night this was more than just a little crush. When he spent three hours of his working day trying to find chips and went home without feeling the least bit guilty or disappointed in himself, it was serious. Before that moment, he knew he was infatuated. He knew he was spending entirely too much time thinking about her, and he knew if there was ever a good opportunity to ask her out on a date, he would take it. But he also believed in a little subtlety and romance. He wasn’t the only guy falling over his feet for her, and if he wanted a real shot at a relationship with her, he needed to be better than a stumbling invitation to get a drink or check out a movie together.

“So what’s the deal with you, Halpert?” she asked him one day as he sat down across from her in the break room with his bagged lunch.

“I’m afraid I might need you to be a bit more specific,” he chuckled as he pulled a sandwich out of the bag.

“Big Tuna!” Andy announced, straightening his J. Crew tie and giving them both a ridiculous smile as he joined them in the break room.

“Andy, he hasn’t had a tuna sandwich in like, six months,” Karen pointed out.

“Once a Tuna, always a Tuna.”

“That….doesn’t even make sense,” Karen shook her head.

Andy just grinned and stuck his coffee in the microwave. “You were saying?” Jim asked, doing his best to ignore their colleague as he launched into yet another terrible falsetto solo.

“What’s the deal with you?” she repeated. “Single? Gay? Engaged to your high school sweetheart?”

“Gay?” he repeated. “Seriously?”

“Well, you do carry that messenger bag and listen to questionable music.”

“Okay, that one time you heard me flipping through radio channels does not count,” he tried to defend himself.

“You were playing drums on your steering wheel and singing along to…what was that? Britney Spears?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. But to answer your question, definitely not gay, and pretty sure there’s no high school sweetheart, so…single.”

“Single, really. Interesting.”

“Why is that interesting?” he asked, trying to hide the fact that his heart was suddenly racing in his chest. He never expected her to be the one to bring it up, but maybe he should have. She wasn’t really one for gender roles, and if she wanted something, she went out and got it. Of course, he hadn’t deluded himself enough to really believe he was what she wanted, but…well, was it too ridiculous to hope maybe just a little?

“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “You’re an attractive guy. I just figured you’d be attached.”

“Well, I’m not,” he said very clearly, somehow managing to restrain himself from asking if she’d like to perhaps to apply for the position. “What about you?”

She gave him one of her trademarked mysterious smiles, then stood up, threw away her trash, and headed back to her desk. He spent the rest of his afternoon attempting to interpret the various meanings behind that cool, enigmatic smile. One thing for certain: Karen Filipelli was nothing short of a force of nature.

That day in the break room took place four years ago. Four years, and he was still working at Dunder Mifflin. Eventually he threw away the course catalogue and replaced it with mementos of their friendship. His hopes and dreams had been systematically swapped out for a few post-it note messages and a couple of photographs. For the last four years, he spent the majority of his weeknights with her. They would grab a drink at the bar down the street, or try dinner at some trendy new spot, or occasionally catch a movie or go to a concert. In four years, they’d been on one date. He bought tickets to see one of her favourite bands and took her out to a nice dinner beforehand. They made out between bands, and then she came home with him. In the morning, he woke up alone. She called him two days later, met him for a drinks at one of their usual spots, and acted like absolutely nothing had happened between them. The next Friday, when he casually mentioned a movie he knew she wanted to see, she smiled and asked for a rain check.

It didn’t take him long to figure out what was going on. Karen was not a relationship type girl. Karen loved to date, but she was just looking for fun. She didn’t want phone calls at night before they went to bed, didn’t want to spend every night in an apartment that wasn’t her own or be forced to share her bed with a boyfriend just because they were dating. For four years he watched her casually date men of all types, but one thing always remained the same. The first time he called her at work, the first time she received flowers, the first time he said “I love you,” she promptly ended the relationship.

He tried to play it by her rules. If she didn’t want a relationship, he wouldn’t force her. If she didn’t want to be the typical schmoopy couple who made up pet names for one another and spent every waking moment holding hands or kissing, he wouldn’t be that kind of guy. She wasn’t looking for a potential spouse. Not yet, anyway, so he wouldn’t make himself out to be her future husband. Of course, he wanted to get married someday, and sooner rather than later. He wanted kids, wanted a house in the suburbs. He wanted to have a dog and family dinners promptly at six every night. But he also wanted her, and if he couldn’t have both, he was willing to compromise.

He’d done a lot of compromising since Karen Filipelli walked in the door of Dunder Mifflin Stamford. It started with school, continued with his career, and eventually culminated in his pride. He really wasn’t sure what the hell he was doing anymore. For the last few years, he’d been little more than a friend with benefits. She still dated other men, returning to him when she got bored, when the other guy got too clingy, when she needed something familiar and comforting. Matt kept telling him she was bad news, that she was just using him. And maybe his brother was right. But he couldn’t stop thinking about the way she did always come back to him. Sometimes it would be a month, sometimes two or three, but eventually she would break up with her boyfriend and call him or show up at his apartment. So he lived for those times and told himself that one day, she would realise she didn’t want to date around, didn’t want fun and excitement anymore and just wanted him, the way he’d always wanted her. She was still young, still fiercely independent, still hip and cool and sophisticated and not ready for a minivan and a golden retriever. One day she would change. One day she would get tired of fancy dinner dates and new guys every week and just come home to him. He could wait. Finding the right person wasn’t supposed to be easy, and so what if he figured it out before she did? How could he just give up on her?

He was starting to realise that not giving up on her meant giving up on himself. Five years and he still had the same fucking job. He still sold paper and sat in the exact same desk as he did on his first day. He’d watched people rise through the ranks, get promoted, get transferred, get out of the paper business altogether and find something more exciting, more rewarding. But not him. He just stayed the same. He could do better, he could apply himself and get a better job or a pay raise, something to justify the last five years he spent at this company, but instead, he thought about the way the light caught in her hair or the way she laughed at his jokes.

In the last year or so, “downsizing” had become the word on everyone’s lips. Jan, their boss at corporate, had driven down a few times for closed-door meetings with Josh, and the meetings were always followed up with motivational pep talks laced with desperation. Their company was struggling, and soon, they wouldn’t be able to justify all the branches currently operating in the northeast. The heat was on to prove which branch was the best. People started working through lunch, staying late, coming in early. He just couldn’t bring himself to care. He knew he needed to keep his numbers up or risk getting laid off, so he somehow managed to do the bare minimum required to scrape by, then spent the rest of his day hoping something would change.

Five years at Dunder Mifflin, four years in love with her. He actually wrote the numbers down on his expense reports, staring down at the sad truth of his life. Five years at a job he didn’t really like, five years he could have spent trying to better himself. Four years wanting a woman who couldn’t make up her mind, who sometimes wanted him but more often didn’t. His temporary job became his career, and every day that passed was another nail in the coffin of his previous hopes and dreams.

He wasn’t sure how much longer he could take it. And he really wasn’t sure how much longer he could take working on this boring stack of papers with her right behind him, her brow furrowed in concentration, her hair falling in front of her eyes. Without saying a word, he grabbed his cell phone out of his top drawer and fled the office. There was only one person he could call right now, and it was a sad testament to his last five years in Stamford. He occasionally hung out with people from work, and he made a few friends with people in his apartment building, but for the most part, his life revolved around her. There was no one here he could count on, no one he could bare his heart to, no one who knew the hell he subjected himself on a daily basis.

Against his better judgment, he flipped open his cell phone and dialled his brother’s number. Matthew was a good guy, a good brother, but he wasn’t really the best at advice. It was so obvious to Matt that Karen was bad news from the start, and he never understood why it was so hard to walk away.

“Hey little brother, playing hooky today?” Matt greeted him.

“No, just uh…just taking a break.”

“Uh oh.”

“Wow, is it really that obvious?”

“Jim, come on. How long have I been getting these calls now?”

“Um, it’s been about four years,” he admitted. “And counting.”

“Jim,” his brother sighed.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do, Matt,” he confessed, bringing a hand to rub his aching temple. He searched around for a place to sit outside the office, but ended up just slumping miserably against the wall. “I’m going out of my mind.”

“So do you really want my advice, or do you just want to vent?” his brother asked. “You’re welcome to either, but I don’t want to piss you off, so…”

He considered for a moment, knowing what would happen if he asked for his brother’s advice. Usually he wanted to just vent, to have a sympathetic ear and maybe a few words of encouragement. Advice meant he had to change. Advice meant doing something to actually improve his life, and for the last four years, he hadn’t been ready for that. But every day, it was becoming a little more clear he couldn’t live like this. Maybe it was time to let his brother talk. Maybe it was time to start listening. “I want you to tell me what to do,” he answered desperately. “I can’t…I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“You know what I’m going to tell you, Jim. You have to get out of there. You’re never going to get over it when you work right next to her.”

“What am I supposed to do? I can’t…we’re supposed to be friends, Matt. What the hell am I supposed to do? If I quit, she’s still going to call me and come over and nothing will ever change.”

“Then you need to leave,” Matt answered simply. “What’s keeping you in Stamford? A job you hate and her. She’s your only tie to anything there, so just cut your losses and leave, Jim.”

He wanted to protest, wanted to say he could find a way to be strong and courageous and walk away from her with his head held high, but he knew it was impossible. He spent four years letting her call the shots, allowing himself to deny everything he ever wanted for just a chance she might someday change her mind. If he stayed here, he would do it all over again. She would smile at him or invite him for a drink and he wouldn’t be able to stop himself. He’d justify it in his mind, tell himself she really did love him and just needed a little more time. He’d give her another day, another week, another month, and then another year would be gone and he would only be more miserable than before.

“Still with me?” Matt asked after a moment.

“Yeah. Yeah, I think so.”

“Look, have you thought about transferring?” his brother questioned. “I know you hate your job, but at least it would be something to help you relocate. Didn’t you say they had another branch in Scranton?”

“Yeah, but I’ve heard stories. I don’t know, Matt, I’m not sure I could do it.”

“Well, it’s just an idea. Obviously there are other places you could go, but you still have friends in Scranton. Wouldn’t that be better than starting all over? It could at least be something you do just for a while, just to get back on your feet and figure out what else you want to do.”

For the first time, his brother’s advice seemed to make sense. He did hear horror stories about the Scranton branch, but he hadn’t exactly made things easy for himself. He didn’t have enough money saved up to just move somewhere with no job to pay the bills, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could stay in Stamford without blowing his brains out. “It makes sense,” he conceded, “but Matt…I don’t know if I can…”

“What, leave her?” Matt asked incredulously. “Come on, Jim, what are you really leaving?”

“She’s my friend,” he tried to defend himself weakly.

“Who you’re in love with.”

“She doesn’t know that,” he pointed out.

“Don’t,” his brother warned him seriously. “She’s not going to change, Jim. No matter what you say to her, she’s not going to change, and she’s just going to rip your heart out.”

“You don’t-”

“Yes, I do know that,” his brother countered. “Jim, she might not be a bad person, but she doesn’t want to settle down. She wants to have you when she wants you, and that’s it. You say you’re friends, but you’re not friends. You love her, and she just…she doesn’t want that. And the longer you stay there, the worse it’s going to get.”

“I guess….maybe I’ll call corporate.”

“I think you need to, Jim. I really think it’ll help.”

“Okay, well, I guess I better get back in there. I’ll give you a call later.”

“Yeah, please do,” his brother requested. “Good luck, Buddy.”

“Thanks, Matt,” he said gratefully before snapping his phone closed. He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes, giving himself a moment to get his thoughts together again before he had to return to the office again. There was still an expense report waiting to be filled out, and he couldn’t make any sales calls until he completed it.

Sighing heavily, he shoved his phone back in his pocket and headed back upstairs. “Hey Halpert, what was that all about?” Karen inquired as soon as he slumped back into his chair.

“Oh, just…needed some fresh air,” he shrugged, tossing her a quick smile before turning back to his paperwork.

“Hey, so I was thinking while filling out these never-ending forms, and we should try that new bar tonight. By the harbour. You down?”

“Oh um…”

“Come on, when else are we going to go?” she whined.

“I don’t know? Tomorrow. I just have to get some stuff done tonight.”

“What kind of stuff?” she crinkled her nose. “It’s Thursday. What could you possibly have to do on a Thursday?”

“I do have a life, Filipelli.”

“No, you really don’t,” she shook her head. “Come on, Halpert. We can’t go tomorrow. I have a date.”

“Oh. Um. Well, I really shouldn’t tonight. Maybe next week,” he shrugged. “I better get back to work, though.”

“Fine, but you suck,” she pouted.

“Yeah, I know,” he sighed dramatically before spinning his chair back around and trying once more to focus on his expense report. When Karen got up a few minutes later to refill her coffee, he pulled up the Dunder Mifflin website on his computer and quickly checked for job openings in their other branches. He wasn’t sure if he felt better or worse when he saw a single opening for a salesman in Scranton.

When Karen walked back to her desk, he quickly closed the window and pretended to be checking his e-mail. He finished his expense report and made a couple of cold calls, making sure to keep himself busy until she left for the evening. “See ya, Halpert,” she called as she gathered her things together. “Give me a call if you change your mind.”

“Yeah, will do,” he smiled weakly. He waited until she was gone, then picked up the phone and called the corporate office.

Driving to New York, his windows rolled down and music blaring, he thought he might be okay. It felt good to listen to his own music again instead of always listening to the things she liked, and this morning he stocked his car with CDs from The Shins and Death Cab and Travis and tossed out her far more sophisticated jazz artists with names he could never remember. He’d been trying to make himself over for the last four years now, but it had never done him any good. It didn’t matter if he liked world music and could tell a merlot from a cabernet. She still wanted him there just for fun, just for company after a long day and not for companionship for the rest of their lives. The truth was, he liked trendy hipster music and good beer. He almost forgot that over the last four years but maybe it was time to start remembering.

As soon as he did, however, he started thinking about what that really meant. It meant packing up years worth of memories, leaving behind everything that reminded him of her. It meant admitting defeat, admitting that he spent all his time chasing an impossible dream, wasting his life for something he could never have. In an hour he would sit down across from Jan and discuss the possibility of transferring to Scranton, but could he really do it? Could he leave the woman he’d fallen in love with and accept, once and for all, that she just wasn’t in love with him?

“You leaving?” he mumbled sleepily as he heard her shift in the bed beside him.

“Hm, I probably should,” she murmured back.

“You don’t always have to go, you know. I’m not going to freak out and start stalking you if you want to sleep for a while and have breakfast with me.”

“Sounds dangerous,” she responded, and without opening his eyes, he knew that sly little smile had made its way onto her face. That smile had driven him crazy all night, teasing him, taunting him with all the secrets behind it. Now he just wanted her to stay so he could wake up to that smile, and really wake up to it, not just open his eyes long enough for a kiss goodbye as he usually did.

“Terribly dangerous. I was thinking of making pancakes.”

“However can I risk it?”

He started to play along, but then he realised he didn’t want this to be a joke or a game. He really wanted her to stay. He didn’t need a quiet morning in bed reading the newspaper together or a dramatic profession of love, but he didn’t want this to feel like a one-night stand. “Just stay, Kar,” he whispered. “Go back to sleep.”


He expected her to insist on going home, but instead, she sighed softly and pulled the covers up over them both. “Night, Halpert,” she said quietly, and he fell back asleep with a smile on his face.

They did end up making breakfast together that morning. She borrowed some of his clothes, and they spent the morning laughing and making pancakes. As soon as they finished eating, however, she left his apartment and didn’t talk to him again until Monday. Maybe he should have called her on it then, told her he didn’t want this to be a just-for-fun thing, just a casual little romp like most of her romances were. But he knew – he’d seen it too many times – that the moment he tried to make it into something more was the moment he lost her. He just kept justifying it in his mind, telling him it was what he had to do. Eventually he would win her over, and she would realise she did want more.

Matthew insisted she was using him. He said it again and again, like she was some kind of villain out to break his heart. But Jim knew better. Karen could be cruel when it came to men, but it was never her intention to hurt anyone. She just didn’t always think about what she was doing, and it made her seem cold and unfeeling. Hell, maybe he would have believed it, too, if they weren’t friends.

“Wow, you look um…”

“Don’t say it, Halpert,” she warned him, silencing him with a single well-placed glare.


“Ohhhkay,” he nodded, turning his attention back to his work.

After a few minutes, she sighed and tossed a pencil at him, her sure-fire way of getting his attention. “So aren’t you going to ask me why I look like hell?”

“I was thinking about it, but I thought you might kill me, so I was going to mind my own business,” he answered without looking up.

“Let’s get coffee.”

“You’ve been here a minute and a half.”

“Almost two. I need caffeine.”

He chuckled a little and stood, following her into the breakroom. It was a new record for him – his second cup of coffee in twenty minutes, but she really did look like hell. He could tell she hadn’t slept much last night, and Karen was not one to pass on sleep when she had to be at work in the morning.

“I broke up with Rob last night,” she explained as she poured a cup of coffee.

“Wow, I thought you all were having a good time,” he answered, schooling his expression to hide his relief. She’d been seeing a stock broker named Rob for almost three months now, and it was the longest relationship she’d been in since they met. It was actually starting to get a little serious, to the point that he didn’t spend as many weeknights with her, and he never saw her on the weekends. She seemed happy with Rob, and the one time Jim met him, he seemed like a pretty nice guy. He’d never really liked any of her boyfriends, and not just for the obvious reasons. She had a tendency to date total bastards, making it far easier for her to end it after just a few weeks.

“We were having a good time,” she agreed with a long sigh.

“So…why did you break up with him?”

“He was tired of having a good time,” she responded wryly. “I don’t get it. Why does everything have to turn into something serious? I mean, he’s a great guy, but he’s thinking of moving to the city and he wanted to know if I would ever consider moving there with him.”

“Would you?” he asked curiously.

“I would consider moving into the city again, but it’s been three months, Jim. Why would he think I was anywhere near ready to move with him?”

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “So are you okay with the breakup?”

“Yeah, I guess,” she shrugged. “It does suck, though. I liked him. I was having a really good time and I really thought we were on the same page about not getting serious.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, go for it.”

“Why are you so against getting serious with someone? If you really like a guy, what’s stopping you from letting it go somewhere?”

“God, it is way too early for a question like that,” she shook her head. “And I was fighting with Rob until like, 3 AM. I’m going to need some more coffee before I even thinking about touching that one.”

She didn’t answer his question until that weekend when they grabbed a drink together at a bar near her apartment. There, over gin and tonics, she told him about her parents’ divorce when she was eleven. It had been an ugly affair, full of screaming and fighting and an eventual custody battle over Karen and her younger sister. Karen didn’t blame her parents for destroying her trust in marriage, but seeing the way they grew to hate each other convinced her she wanted nothing to do with the whole institution. She’d never wanted kids of her own, and she would rather just have fun than commit herself to a relationship that, statistically, didn’t stand a chance.

He understood her reasoning. His own parents had a happy marriage and a happy family, but he’d seen plenty of kids who grew up in broken homes, shuffling back and forth between mom’s house and dad’s and trying to make sense of their shattered worlds. He couldn’t blame her for not wanting a lifelong commitment after watching her parents go through a bitter, nasty divorce.

There was a wounded part of Karen that didn’t want her to open herself up to that kind of heartache. But there was another part, too. Karen was independent. Always had been, always would be. She liked her space, liked having her own apartment and her own things and her own life. And that was the part he could never get around, the part that always sent him back to his own apartment feeling dejected and depressed.

By the time he arrived in New York, he was back to the confusion that seemed to rule his life these days. He knew what he wanted. He wanted a family. He wanted to teach a little boy to play baseball and he wanted to spoil a beautiful little girl. His older sister was married with two perfect adorable girls, and now his brother was expecting his first child. He wanted that, too. He wanted to show up at Thanksgiving and Christmas with his wife and his children at his side. But he also wanted to spend his days with Karen, and the two could never reconcile. He kept waiting around, expecting one of them to change, but he was still the same Jim, and she was still the same Karen.

Sighing heavily to himself, he climbed out of his car and rode the elevator up to the corporate office, still trying to figure out what the hell he was going to do if Jan approved the transfer.

“So, what makes you think you’d like to transfer to our Scranton branch, Jim?” she asked him as she flipped through the reports he brought with him.

“Well, I just feel like I need a change,” he answered as honestly as possible. The last thing Jan needed was for him to break down and cry about the co-worker who didn’t love him back.

“Why Scranton? You know we have some availabilities at the Utica branch, as well as Albany.”

“I grew up in Scranton. My family is scattered around Pennsylvania now, but I have some good friends in Scranton.”

“I see,” she nodded. “Well, I have to be honest with you Jim. Your sales numbers haven’t been that good recently. I was really impressed with your work when you first started in Stamford, but it seems you’ve had some trouble, especially over the last year or two.”

“I have,” he agreed. “And without going into too much detail, it’s part of why I’d like to transfer. I know I haven’t been the best worker recently, and there are just some….personal issues that I don’t think can be resolved as long as I stay in Stamford.”

“And you think transferring to Scranton would help?” she asked curiously.

“Yeah, I do,” he answered seriously. “Like I said, I have good friends in Scranton, and I would be a little closer to my family.”

Jan nodded again and flipped through his sales reports once more. “Okay,” she agreed. “I’m willing to go ahead and approve the transfer if you think you can commit to bringing your numbers up. The Scranton branch is struggling, and we really need to bring some leadership to the sales team. Do you think you could do that?”

“Yes,” he nodded confidently. “I’m a good salesman, Jan. I haven’t been the most committed recently, but I think if I get out of Stamford, I would be able to bring my numbers back up.”

“Alright then. There’s some paperwork we’ll need to fill out, and of course you’ll need some time to get everything in order to move. Do you think two weeks is reasonable?”

He felt his heart begin to race as he realised he was really about to do this. Yesterday he wasn’t even considering moving out of Stamford – away from her – and now he was actually preparing to sign paperwork and make it official. He didn’t expect it to be this easy, and he really didn’t expect to have the guts to do it in the first place. “Um…yeah, that sounds good,” he forced himself to nod, trying desperately to remember his brother’s words from yesterday.

“Look, if you need some time to think about this, I completely understand,” Jan assured him, obviously noticing his rather shell-shocked expression.

“No, it’s…I need to do this. It’s just kind of a lot to think about.”

“I think you can really do some good in Scranton, Jim,” she tried to encourage him. “You had some great sales numbers at the beginning, and I think you could do it again.”

“Yeah, um, I think you’re right,” he agreed.

She smiled sympathetically, then called for her assistant to bring in a few forms. “Okay, that’s it,” she said as he finished up twenty minutes later. “I’ll call the Scranton branch and make sure everything’s ready for you to go two weeks from Monday.”

“Great. Thank you so much, Jan. And thanks for seeing me so quickly.”

“Of course,” she smiled. “It hasn’t been easy finding someone for Scranton. I think we’ll have a better time finding someone to take your place in Stamford.”

“Is he really that bad?”

“Worse,” she laughed humourlessly. “Just give me a call if you need anymore help getting thins ready.”

They parted with a polite handshake, and he grabbed his bag and headed back to his car to make the hour drive back to Stamford. Just as he climbed into his car, however, his cell phone began to ring and flashed her name across the screen. He briefly debated letting it go to voicemail, but he knew he had to face her eventually, and if he did decide to move to Scranton, he couldn’t just leave without a goodbye.

“Hey, where are you?” she asked by way of a greeting.

“Oh, just out running some errands,” he lied. “Done for the day?”

“Yes, finally,” she sighed. “Josh had us play Call of Duty again.”

“Oh God,” he laughed. “Does he really think that’s team-building?”

“Apparently. Although I have to admit, I am pretty good at it. I can’t wait to kick your ass again.”

He had to bite his tongue to keep from saying anything, knowing now was not the right time to let her know about the transfer. He would have to tell her, but he needed to do it in person. She wasn’t going to understand, and she was probably going to be pretty upset about losing one of her best friends.

“Yeah, well, maybe you should work on selling paper instead of destroying me in a video game,” he joked.

“Oh please. I sell more paper in half an hour than you do in a week.”

“So not true, Filipelli.”

“Whatever, Halpert. You’re such a slacker. I can’t believe you left at three o’clock to go run errands. They couldn’t wait until five?”

“Hey, I had a doctor’s appointment,” he tried to defend himself, using the same lie he told Josh to get out of work early today. “That’s all you need to know.”

“Yeah right,” she scoffed. “But anyway, my date isn’t until nine tonight. You wanna come over and have a few drinks with me?”

The “no” was on the tip of his tongue, but he knew he couldn’t put this off. The longer he waited, the worse it was going to be, and the more time he was going to give himself to decide it was a horrible idea and he should just stay in Stamford. No, he needed to make a clean break, and if he was going to do this, he just needed to face her. “Yeah, actually, that would be great. I have something I need to talk to you about.”

“Oh, is it my Call of Duty skill? Because I’m afraid I can’t tell you my secrets. You’ll have to talk to Andy.”

“Very funny,” he shot back. “No, I just…I have something I want to talk to you about. I’ll be there in an hour or two.”

“Okay, see you then.”

He snapped his phone shut and threw it into the passenger seat, resisting the sudden urge to just drive his car headfirst into oncoming traffic. He was really going to do this. He was really going to go over to her apartment tonight and explain that he was leaving. For Scranton. The branch everyone told horror stories about, the branch at the top of everyone’s list for downsizing. No one in his right mind actually asked for a transfer to Scranton, but now he’d done it and signed the papers making it official. Two weeks, he realised with a sick churning in his stomach. Two weeks and I’m actually supposed to be at work in Scranton.

Desperately needing some reassurance, he grabbed his phone again and dialled his brother’s number. “Hey man! I was just about to call you!” Matt greeted excitedly after a single ring.

“Wow, you sound…up,” he noted. “What’s going on?”

“Kim just had her sonogram, and we decided to find out the sex of the baby. I’m having a boy!” Matt announced. “Can you believe it? I’m going to have a son!”

“That’s so great, Matt! Congratulations!” he said, not having to fake his own delight despite the misery of his own life. He had been secretly hoping for a nephew anyway since he already had two nieces, and he knew Matt really wanted a boy first. “Is Kim excited?”

“She’s thrilled. She said she wanted a girl, but as soon as she found out it was a boy, she changed her mind. She’s already talking about all the blue things she wants to buy and the whole theme of the nursery and everything.”

“And I’m sure you’re not indulging that at all,” he laughed.

“Oh, of course not,” Matt chuckled. “So you’re the first person we’ve told. I guess I should call Mom and Dad next. They’ll be so excited.”

“They will,” he agreed. “Mom especially. She’s been wanting a grandson. I think she was almost disappointed when Sophie turned out to be a girl,” he joked.

“Oh man, I can’t wait to tell Larissa. She’s going to flip. She swore she would be the first to have a boy.”

“Wow, way to pit your sister against your wife. That’s awesome, Matt.”

“Shut up, Jimmy,” his brother retorted. “So what’s new? Did you think about the transfer anymore?”

“Come on, you don’t need to pretend to be interested in my life right now. Go celebrate. Call Larissa and gloat.”

“I will, I will, but I do want to hear about you. Seriously, Jim, did you think about the transfer at all?”

“I did, and….I’m on my way back from New York right now. I talked to our boss at corporate, and…I think I’m doing it, Matt. I mean, I signed the papers and everything.”

There was a long pause before Matt spoke again. “Good for you, Jim,” he answered seriously, his voice dropping a few notches from its earlier excited tone. “I’m really proud of you. I think you’re doing the right thing.”

“I hope so, but I’m really not sure,” he admitted. “I just can’t believe I did it. I wasn’t even thinking about it, and now I’ve signed the papers and what the hell was I thinking? Why didn’t I ask for a few days to consider it?”

“Because if you gave yourself a few days to consider you would talk yourself out of it,” Matthew answered pointedly. “Come on, Jim, I know this is a really tough decision, but you know you’re doing the right thing. You can’t stay in Stamford.”

“But now I have to tell her I’m leaving. And I actually have to leave.”

“Yeah, and it’s going to suck,” his brother answered bluntly. “It’s going to feel awful, but it’s the only way things are ever going to get better.”

“Wow, it really helps to hear you tell me how terrible it’s going to be.”

“I’m not gonna lie to you, Little Brother.”

“Yeah, I know,” he sighed. “Are you sure I’m doing the right thing? Maybe I should-”

“Look, Jim, this is up to you,” Matt said seriously. “It’s your life and your decision and maybe I shouldn’t try to influence you one way or the other. But I’ve listened to you for the last four years, and I’ve met Karen. She’s a beautiful girl and I can see why you care about her, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? Do you really think there’s any chance she’s going to change?”

He let out a long, slow breath, and allowed himself to really consider his brother’s question. Ever since he met Karen, he’d been holding onto the hope that she would. Every day, he convinced himself he had a chance, that if he just waited long enough, she would see how faithful he was, how devoted and patient and loving he’d been with her. She would see that no one could love her like he did, and she would see that all her fears didn’t have to come true. But four years went by, and if he kept waiting for her, if he kept holding onto this insane hope, he might let the rest of his life go by and never get to experience any of the things he wanted for himself. He could throw it all away and still discover she didn’t want him. “No,” he admitted quietly. “No, I don’t think she is.”

“Then yeah, you’re doing the right thing,” his brother said gently. “And if you want, I could come next weekend and help you get everything packed up. I would come this weekend, but I think Kim would probably kill me.”

“Yeah, you should definitely be at home this weekend,” he agreed, though a part of him really did wish his big brother would just come and stay for a few days to get him through the worst of this.

“Are you going to talk to her?”

“Yeah, she asked me to come over tonight. I think I’m going to just bite the bullet and get it over with.”

“Probably a good idea. I’ll have my phone with me all weekend if you need anything.”

“Okay, thanks, Matt. Tell Kim congratulations, and seriously, Man, I’m so happy for you.”

“Thanks, Little Brother. Talk to you soon.”

He hung up his phone again and turned up the volume on his Shins CD. Later he needed to call a few of his friends back in Scranton and find out if anyone was looking for a roommate. Finding an apartment with an old buddy would probably be a lot easier than trying to locate a place in the next two weeks, and he really hated hotels. Besides, it had been a while since he had a roommate, and it might be nice to have a distraction from the agony he was about to endure. It didn’t have to be goodbye forever; they were friends and hopefully they could remain friends sometime in the ambiguously distant future. For a while he was going to need his space to figure things out again, to get used to just being Jim instead of trying so fucking hard to be the kind of person she would want.

“So…what you’re saying is, you can’t sleep with me tonight because you’re going to the aquarium in the morning?” Karen asked teasingly.

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying,” he forced himself to nod, despite the fact that she was doing that pouty lip thing that made him crazy. “I told you earlier this week Larissa was bringing the girls for the day.”

“So? You can be a little late, can’t you?”

“I haven’t seen Emily and Sophie since Christmas, Kar. They’re excited to spend a day with their Uncle Jim. So no, I can’t be late,” he insisted. At the moment, he was seriously thinking about disappointing his nieces, but he knew he would never forgive himself if he did anything to ruin their day, even if it did mean an incredible night with Karen. He should probably be offended anyway. Originally she had a date tonight, but the guy was a doctor and he got called in for an emergency at the last minute, opening up Karen’s plans. She automatically assumed he would want to hang out, so she showed up at his apartment unannounced with a bottle of her favourite wine. He should have said no, should have been offended she just invited herself over on a Friday night, but it was hard to turn her away when he was sitting in front of his television watching Law and Order reruns. Now they were both a little tipsy, and he was wishing he had just told her he had plans.

“You are no fun, Halpert,” she sighed.

“Emily and Sophie would disagree.”

“Not really the kind of fun I was thinking of.”

“Well, maybe you should come with us tomorrow,” he suggested boldly. Karen had met his brother before, but there was something altogether different about bringing her along for an outing with his sister and his nieces. Larissa was the oldest, and she’d always been the protective big sister. Karen meeting Larissa was dangerously close to Karen meeting his parents, and he knew that was another line entirely. Bringing Karen along tomorrow would scream girlfriend, and she obviously realised that.

“Jim, come on.”

“It’s important to me, Karen,” he countered. “If you don’t want to go, fine, but I’m not going to screw tomorrow up for them.”

“I guess I should just go home then.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

She did go home after that, and it was the first time he ever denied her. The next morning, he got up and got ready, then spent a wonderful day with his adorable nieces and his sister. The whole time, however, he kept thinking about her, thinking about the way she just showed up expecting to have casual sex, then couldn’t bring herself to spend a few hours with him and his family. If not for Emily and Sophie tugging on his hand and hugging him and squealing in excitement, he would have spent the whole day miserable inside his own head.

He had a feeling it was something he needed to get used to.

The scene was familiar, the setting comfortable. Her favourite candle was burning on the glass coffee table, next to a new issue of The New Yorker and a half-read book of short stories. The same book had been there for months now, and when he picked it up earlier, he discovered she was on the same page as the last time he was here. She was always doing that, always starting a book and reading only half before picking up another one. He found partially read books all over her apartment, a testament to her short attention span. It was just one of those little details he loved, one of the things that made him feel so at home here. He spent almost as much time in her apartment as he did at his own, and he couldn’t even count the number of times he’d been stretched out on the black leather sofa, a glass in wine in hand. Her apartment felt so very her, decorated in cool, dark colours with bold accent pieces and new furniture. They often crashed here after work, sharing a bottle of wine as they vented about long days of unsuccessful sales calls or Andy’s serenades. He felt at home here, knew her place as well as he knew his own. This was Stamford to him. This apartment, this woman, this routine. It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t what he wanted, but it was all he had known for four years, and now he was about to give it all up.

Tonight she opened poured herself a large glass of wine and spent close to an hour complaining about a client who proved ridiculously hard to please. He listened attentively and tried not to think about how effortlessly gorgeous she looked fresh out of the shower in sweatpants and a plain tank top. The voice in the back of his head reminded him he needed to tell her. He already signed the paperwork and told Jan he was taking the transfer, but it was so hard to sit across from her and remember why the hell he was doing this. She was so comfortable with him, like they were an old couple who didn’t need to impress each other anymore. It had to mean something that she let him in with her hair still dripping wet from the shower and her apartment still a mess. Their ease with one another, the back and forth of their conversation, the whole dance they so long ago perfected…it all just proved they were right together. Four years was a long time to wait for someone, but the truth was he did wait for her. How could he give up now? How could he just throw in the towel and walk away without fighting - really fighting – for the woman he claimed to love?

I could call Jan, he thought, drifting off to his own world as Karen continued to talk. I could tell her I’ve reconsidered, that I can’t really take the transfer. She would be okay with it. She may be tough, but she would understand.

“Halpert, are you listening?” Karen asked, snapping him back to the moment.

“Hmm? Yeah, of course,” he recovered quickly.

“I need to go start getting dressed. You gonna stay here and hang out for a while?”

“Yeah, sure,” he nodded. “Want some more wine?”

“Yes, please. I’m still tense from that ridiculous woman. Can you believe she complained to me about the difference between lilac and lavender card stock?”

“Um, yes, I absolutely can. I’ve been in the paper business even longer than you have, so…yeah, I can believe it.” He grabbed her empty glass and retreated to the kitchen while she wandered back to the bedroom and turned on a jazz CD. He returned to the living room and sank back down onto the couch, setting her glass on the coffee table and allowing his eyes to flutter closed as he listened to the soft strains of the music pouring out of her room. For a moment he could almost pretend she was getting ready to go out with him. He was the patient boyfriend, waiting for his girlfriend to find the perfect outfit before a night on the town. It had been over three years since their first – and only – real date, but in his mind it was easy to pretend they’d done it a hundred times since then. From there, it was easy to imagine a hundred more times, a hundred more Friday nights together. This didn’t have to be the last time. He could call Jan back and tell her he changed his mind. He could stay right here in Stamford and never say goodbye to her or to the dream he nurtured for the last four years.

“Hey, I need your opinion on something,” Karen called from the bedroom.

“Do I have a choice?”

“Nope, I’m coming out.”

He sat up just in time to see her emerge from the bedroom in dark jeans and a loose grey tank top. Her jeans fit her just right, showing every perfect curve of her slim body, and the tank top highlighted the glistening olive of her freshly scrubbed skin. She instantly transformed from comfortably pretty to elegantly seductive with just a pair of fitted jeans and a simple top, and he swallowed hard in agony as he drank in the tantalising sight of her.

“What do you think?” she asked, oblivious to his reaction as she eyed herself critically. “Is the top too….blah?” She spun around to give him another view, and he could literally feel his mouth going dry.

“Uh…it’s….”

“I think it’s too blah,” she decided. “I have a red one I think I’ll try instead.”

“Yeah, red would be…” he trailed off, unable to put together a coherent thought much less speak it out loud.

Without another word, she disappeared back into her bedroom. It hit him then, as she rifled through her closet to find a better shirt, that staying here would be the biggest mistake of his life. He could pretend all he wanted, but none of this was for him. The jeans, the tops, the sexy heels and the light spray of perfume…it was all for someone else. She was getting ready for a date with a man who wasn’t him. She might want him here now, but soon she would leave for her date with another guy. In a few hours she would be laughing and smiling for someone else, and he would go home alone to his empty apartment. She looked gorgeous tonight, but it wasn’t for him, never for him. Another day, another week, another month, and she might want eventually want him again, but she would only be his for a few hours. Then, just like her books, she would find something better, something more interesting. She would abandon him just as she abandoned her short stories.

She didn’t love him. Not the way he loved her, anyway. If she did, she could never do this. But she invited him over and asked for his advice and had no idea the misery it caused him. He’d been in love with her for four years and she never even realised. She missed the signs or ignored them altogether, and either way, it wasn’t right. Anyone could see the way he looked at her, but somehow, she never noticed.

“How’s this?” she asked, suddenly appearing once more wearing a silky red top. “Better, right?”

“Yeah, it’s um…can I talk to you for a second?” he asked, hoping his voice didn’t shake and give him away.

“Right now?” she asked incredulously. “I still need to do my hair and makeup, and I have to meet Jason in like, 45 minutes.”

“It won’t take long,” he assured her, trying not to physically react at the sound of the other guy’s name. “I just need to tell you something,” he added.

She sighed and gave him a look of irritation before taking a seat on the edge of the coffee table. “This better be important,” she warned him.

“Yeah, it’s…I went to New York today,” he blurted.

“What? When?” she asked in confusion.

“I didn’t have a doctor’s appointment. I wasn’t running errands. I was in New York meeting with Jan.”

“Jan,” she repeated in disbelief. “Jan from corporate? Our boss, Jan?”

“Yeah, um…she offered me a transfer, Kar.”

“What?!” she cried, her eyes growing wide. “You bastard! She gave you a promotion? I can’t believe you!”

“No, Kar, it’s not a promotion,” he shook his head. “It’s just a transfer. There’s a sales position open in Scranton, and I’m…going to take it.”

Karen just stared at him for a moment before speaking again. “Wait, this is a joke, right? You’re just kidding about this, aren’t you?”

He took a deep breath and dropped his eyes down to the carpet.

“You’re not. Oh my God. Scranton? You’re moving to Scranton?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I’m supposed to be there two weeks from Monday.”

“How long have you been thinking about this?” she asked incredulously. “How long have you known?”

“That’s not-”

“Why would you move to Scranton?” she asked before he could even finish. “You’ve heard the same stories I have. That place is a nuthouse, and Josh said they probably won’t last through the rest of the year!”

“I grew up in Scranton,” he defended himself weakly.

“Your family is in Allentown.”

“My parents moved to Allentown when I started college. I grew up in Scranton. I still have some good friends there.”

“Okay, so let me get this straight. You’re leaving here, a branch that actually has some hope, for no extra money and no incentive…because you have a few friends there. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, Halpert,” she huffed, obviously upset. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about this.”

“It happened really fast, Karen,” he tried to assuage. “I called Jan yesterday, and-”

“Wait,” she cut him off. “You called her? This was your idea? Jesus, Jim! Why would you do that?”

“I just can’t stay in Stamford anymore,” he tried to explain. “I need a change.”

“Okay, well that’s understandable. You’re probably just burned out. But there’s no need to do something this drastic. Why don’t you take a trip to New York or go on vacation or something. Don’t move to Scranton!”

“I need more than a vacation,” he shook his head seriously.

Her frown deepened a little as she reached over to take his hand. “Hey,” she murmured quietly. “What is this really about? Are you okay?”

“Karen…”

“I’ll cancel my date. I’ll call him and postpone it. I want to know what’s going on here. You haven’t said a word about this and suddenly you’re moving to Scranton?” she asked, a hint of desperation entering her voice. “I don’t understand this.”

He wasn’t planning on telling her. He really wasn’t. Matt told him not to – with good reason – and he was going to take his brother’s advice. But as he looked her, saw the sadness and confusion in his eyes, he knew he couldn’t leave without telling her. Just once. He spent four years waiting, and for what? How could he run away without telling her the truth? How could he abandon her and his life here without taking one last chance, without laying everything on the line one time?

“Jim?” she asked in concern. “Jim, come on, what is this? Why are you leaving?”

“Because I’m in love with you, Karen,” he finally confessed, feeling the words slip off his tongue before he allowed himself to reconsider. He let out a long, slow breath and felt his chest grow lighter even as he realised nothing would ever be the same again. “I’ve been in love for about…four years now,” he continued quietly, finding solace in hearing the words spoken aloud. She sat there across from him, shell-shocked, but he couldn’t think about that now, couldn’t worry about her reaction. He needed to say this, needed to get it all out once and for all. “I know we’re friends, and I love that, but it’s not enough anymore. I haven’t been able to work, I can’t focus, can’t sleep.”

“Jim,” she breathed, raising a hand to her mouth as her eyes filled with tears.

“I’m sorry. I know it’s a lot to drop on you, but I…I needed you to know. Before I leave.”

“I thought we were having fun,” she shook her head, a few of the tears leaking out of her eyes. He realised it was the first time he’d ever seen her cry, and he wondered how he could know her so well all these years and never see her vulnerable or hurting until now. “I had no idea….”

“I know,” he nodded.

“I mean, did I ever lead you on? Did I ever do anything to indicate I might be…I just don’t understand where this is coming from.”

He could feel her tiny, delicate fingers crushing his heart, but he sucked up his pride and tried his hardest not to cry. Not now. Not in front of her. “You um…you didn’t lead me on,” he managed. “I was trying to be what you wanted, Karen. I knew you didn’t want complication or commitment, so I went along with it. But it’s not me, and I can’t do it anymore.”

“You’re my best friend, Jim,” she whispered, using his first name for the fourth time in the last ten minutes. Before tonight, he couldn’t even remember the last time she called him by anything other than his last name. She was trying to create the distance between them already, trying to soften the blow of her rejection.

“Don’t,” he shook his head. “You don’t have to do that.”

“But you are,” she insisted. “And I don’t want to lose that.”

“I can’t do it. I really wish I could,” he said honestly. “I wish I could just stay here and be your friend like I always have been, but I can’t. I can’t keep sitting here while you get ready for dates with other guys, and I can’t sit next to you at work and not want something more.”

“I…I don’t know what to say,” she answered helplessly. “You knew, Jim. You’ve always known what I wanted.”

“Yeah, I know,” he nodded again. “But it’s not just something I can turn off and on.”

“Okay, I’m going to go call Jason and tell him I can’t go out tonight, and we’re going to talk about this,” she decided, jumping up off the coffee table and grabbing for the phone. “We’ll talk about this and figure it out and you won’t have to go to Scranton.”

“Karen, please don’t,” he begged.

“No, we’re going to fix this,” she repeated adamantly. “We can fix this.”

“Karen, stop,” he commanded, rising from the couch and taking the phone out of her hands. He placed it back on the receiver and turned around to find her looking up at him with eyes glimmering with tears. Even crying she looked beautiful, and he couldn’t stop himself from dipping down to capture her lips in his. It wasn’t the first time he kissed her, but it was different than the other times, different than that first charged make-out session or the playful nips each time they wound up in bed together. This kiss was tinged with sadness, tainted with desperation and fear and the terrible knowledge that this was the last time they would be this close to one another. She didn’t yield to him this time, her body stiff and uncomfortable even though she responded eagerly to his lips. She didn’t want him to go, but she didn’t want him the way he needed in order to stay. “Kar,” he murmured, forcing himself to pull away. She reached for his shirt and tried to pull him back, but he just shook his head and took a step back. “I don’t want to do this.”

“You don’t have to leave,” she tried to argue.

“Unless you can tell me you want more, then yes, I do,” he countered. “Unless you can say you love me, I have to take this transfer and leave.”

“Jim…”

“It’s simple, Karen. I’m sorry it has to be like this, but I can’t take anymore.”

“I just…I can’t,” she shook her head. “You know that.”

He did, but as much as he prepared himself for this, the rejection still hurt more than he ever imagined. This was her saying no. This was her telling him it would never happen, she would never love him the way he loved her. This was four years of hopes and dreams disappearing. Maybe it should be comforting that this was tearing her apart, too. Maybe he should feel better knowing that she did care, that she didn’t want him to walk away, but it just wasn’t enough anymore. Their friendship was fun and great, and he would always be grateful for the good times they did have together, but he needed more. He needed more, and she couldn’t give it to him. “Yeah,” he sighed heavily, raising his hand to wipe away the stray tear threatening to leak from his eye. “I know.”

“So you’re really going to do this?” she asked miserably.

“Yeah, I’m really going to do this,” he confirmed. “I didn’t want to be a paper salesman, Karen. I never wanted this to be my career, and I’ve just…I’ve given up on everything. I need to get away and figure things out for myself.”

“I’m sorry, Jim,” she whispered.

“Not your fault. But um…I should go.”

“Are you sure? You can’t just have another drink with me? I don’t have to go out tonight. We can go get dinner or-”

“I need to go,” he repeated. “I’ll see you on Monday, though, okay?”

She nodded, but she didn’t say another word as he smiled sadly and then slipped out the door. It hit him when he closed the door that four years of his life were over, shattered by his confession and her subsequent rejection. Four years of hope ended with two words - I can’t. He hadn’t expected anything else, but expecting her rejection wasn’t even close to actually experiencing it. Now there really was nothing left for him in Stamford. At least for a while he’d been able to pretend it was just a waiting game, just a test of his patience before he received the reward, but his illusions were shattered, his heart broken, and his dreams brought back down to bitter reality.

Karen didn’t love him. Karen never had loved him. Worst of all, Karen never would love him. It wasn’t anything he’d done or anything he hadn’t done, just a simple fact of unrequited love. Just bad luck and the inevitable consequence of lying to himself. He tricked himself into believing he could change himself to be what she wanted, and in the end, it ruined everything. He wasn’t with her, and their friendship would never survive. He could say he wanted to keep in touch, but he knew he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t be able to look at her or talk to her without thinking of all the things he couldn’t have, and she would be so afraid of leading him on, of unintentionally giving him hope. They might talk a handful of times over the years, but it would be awkward, strained, uncomfortable.

His buzz should be gone after enduring the heartbreak of his life, but he still didn’t trust himself to drive his car right now. The spring breeze was chilly, but he welcomed the cold tonight, welcomed anything that distracted him from the misery churning in his stomach. He thought about calling his brother, but Matthew was having the best weekend of his life, and he couldn’t get in the way of that. Matt deserved a weekend to celebrate with his wife without worrying about his idiot little brother.

He probably shouldn’t have told her he was in love with her. He knew those five little words would ruin everything, but he couldn’t leave without knowing for sure. Matt told him not to do it, but he knew himself, and he spent years of his life convincing himself she could someday love him back. What was to stop him from doing it for another year? Or two years? Or ten? Without an answer, without that rejection, no matter how painful, he would have gone to Scranton and spent every night thinking of her. He might date other women, might develop a social life again and make friends and sign up for classes, but he would never get serious about anything. He would always be waiting for the phone call. He would always be hoping, dreaming, praying for her to come to her senses. And if she did, if she called him and asked him to come back, he would drop everything. He might have ruined their friendship by confessing his true feelings tonight, but he also bought himself a real chance to be happy someday.

Too bad that day seemed very, very far away. He couldn’t even remember the last time he felt this awful. Working beside her every day was a test in strength and endurance, but this feeling? This was absolute hell.

He’d never had his heart broken before. He’d never really been in love before Karen. As a college freshman, he thought he might be in love with Katy. She was beautiful and so much fun, and when his life felt adrift she was a place to pour all of his energy. Then one day it just stopped being fun. One day they weren’t just dating anymore and they were in a relationship. At first it seemed great. It seemed mature and grown up and maybe, just maybe, she was the one. But after a few months of that, he realised the work it took to stay together wasn’t worth the payoff. It sucked when they broke up, and of course he missed her for a few days, but a week or two later, he was over it. The pain was never as acute as it was now.

As he reached the beach, the wind began to pick up. He left his jacket in his car, so he wrapped his arms around himself and tried not to think of how ridiculous he looked standing on the beach in his work clothes and no jacket on a windy March evening. He felt tears stinging his eyes as he gazed out over the water, and this time he let them fall. He vowed not to cry in front of her, but he made no promises now that he was alone. Five years, he thought bitterly. Five years here, and what was it all for? He made no waves at Dunder Mifflin, attracted no attention to his job performance. There was really no chance for advancement within the company, and he wasn’t much of a propsect with any of their competitors, either. He’d been out of school for five years now, and his drive, his passion for something better had flickered out, replaced by apathy and weary acceptance of this dull existence.

I’m depressed, he realised suddenly. It was a startling thought, and nothing he ever contemplated before. Before Stamford – before Karen – he’d always been a relatively happy guy. He was the jokester of the family, the one who never took anything seriously. So when did he turn into this miserable guy crying alone on the beach? Pathetic, he thought in self-deprecation. She’s completely changed who you are.

Certain his buzz was dead now, he turned around and headed back to his car. He distantly wondered if she would call Jason and cancel the date or if she would seek comfort in the arms of another man tonight. The thought was more than he could bear, so he shook his head and tried to think of something else, to think of Scranton and new beginnings. Things will get better, he promised himself. Everything will get better in Scranton.

For a weekend that seemed to last forever, Monday morning still came way too early. He hit the snooze button on his alarm three times, hoping if he just went back to sleep for a few minutes, he could wake up and the whole day would be over. He spent the weekend alone in his apartment, listlessly browsing through Scranton apartment listings online and debating whether or not to call up some of his old friends and tell them about the move.

In the end, he only talked on the phone once. Matt called him on Saturday evening, just to make sure he was still alive, but he and Kim were on the way to see her parents in Ohio so they couldn’t talk for long. He assured his brother he was doing okay and conveniently forgot to tell him about his little confession the day before. After that, he really didn’t have the energy to call anyone else. He still had two weeks to find a place to live, and he really couldn’t take anymore pity.

When the alarm went off for the fourth time, he finally surrendered and dragged himself out of bed. He showered and got dressed in his usual work attire, rehearsing the speech he was going to give Josh when he announced that he was transferring to Scranton. His boss wasn’t going to pleased, but that was really the least of his concerns today.

Because today he had to face Karen again. Today he had to go to work and pretend everything was okay when nothing could be further from the truth. Today he had to look her in the eye, smile, work with her, and try not to think about the tears in her eyes when they parted Friday night. He had to tell everyone at the office he was going to Stamford and ignore her knowing gaze, ignore the fact that she knew the truth. All day, he would have to repeat his story in front of an audience that knew better. He really wasn’t sure how he was going to make it through the day, and he wondered how wrong it would be to just send an e-mail to Josh and go in after hours to collect his things.

An hour later, he pulled his car into the parking lot and spotted her little silver car a few spaces down. Here goes nothing, he thought, taking a deep breath and climbing out of his car. The elevator seemed to take twice as long as usual, giving him plenty of time to work himself into an anxious frenzy before he even stepped onto their floor. He could feel his heart racing as the elevator door finally opened, and just hoped he could control himself and keep from completely falling apart as he struggled through this interminable day.

Thankfully, she was on the phone when he stepped into the office. Their eyes briefly met, but she quickly looked away and pretended to be intensely interested in a paper in front of her. He set down his messenger bag and then headed straight to Josh’s office, ready to get this over with. “Hey, Josh,” he greeted, knocking lightly on the door. “You have a second?”

“Yeah, sure,” his boss nodded. “Come on in.”

Jim fought the urge to look back and see Karen’s reaction and closed the door instead. He couldn’t be thinking about her when he delivered the news to his boss.

“Everything okay?” Josh asked asked him, probably noticing the rather sick expression on his face.

“Yeah, um…everything’s fine,” he lied.

There was a long, awkward pause, and Josh just stared at him and waited for him to continue. “So…you said you wanted to talk to me.”

“Oh! Right! Um…I just…I thought I should let you know I’m transferring,” he stammered. “I’m transferring to the Scranton branch. I talked to Jan about it the other day, and she’s approved the move.”

“Okay,” Josh nodded slowly. “I guess I can’t argue with that, but can I ask why? Has there been a problem here?”

“No, no, nothing like that,” he shook his head. “It’s been…everything’s been fine. I’ve really enjoyed working with you and with everyone here. It’s a great branch.”

“So why are you leaving?”

“I grew up in Scranton, and I just decided I need to be a little closer to my family,” he explained, repeating the lie he’d been practising all weekend. “My brother and his wife are about to have a baby, and I never see my sister and my nieces. Stamford has been great, but I’m ready to settle down now, and I’ve always wanted to go back to Pennsylvania.”

“Well, I hate to lose you, Jim,” his boss said sincerely. “You’re a good salesman. But if you’re sure this is what you want, then good luck to you.”

“Thanks, Josh, I really appreciate that.”

“You have heard the stories about Michael Scott, though, right?” Josh asked. “I’ve met the guy, and….let’s just say I have no idea how that branch is still open.”

“Yeah, um…I’ve heard that,” he laughed nervously, wondering if there was anyone who hadn’t heard of Michael’s incompetence yet. What exactly was he getting himself into?

“Well, as long as you’re warned, I guess. So when are you planning on leaving us?”

They continued to talk logistics for a while, and then there was some more paperwork they needed to complete. He would work as usual today, then he could have until Friday to contact all his clients and assign them to other sales people. Honestly, he was hoping a late night tonight and an early morning tomorrow would be enough to finish up his work here so he could get out of this office as soon as possible. He would love to pretend it would take him a week to pack up his life here and another week to get settled in Scranton, but really, he just wasn’t sure how long he could handle being around Karen.

When he headed back to his own desk, Karen was off the phone and staring blankly at her computer screen. “Hey,” he said quietly as he sank down into his chair.

“Hi,” she responded, flashing him a rather uncertain smile.

“So um…did you have a good weekend?”

She looked tortured by the question, but she nodded and managed another smile. “Yeah, it was fine, thank you,” she answered politely.

“Good. That’s good.”

“Yeah. How about you?” she asked, then immediately winced. “Sorry, that was a dumb question.”

“No, it’s fine,” he shook his head. “It was…fine.” And I really need to stop using that word, he noted.

“So…you talked to Josh?”

“Yeah. Wasn’t too painful. I have the whole week to get things ready to go here, but I don’t think I’ll need more than a day or two.”

“Yeah, you really don’t have that many clients, do you?” she tried to tease, but the joke fell flat, the tension almost palpable between them.

“No, I guess not,” he laughed shortly, trying to play along. Yeah, he definitely needed to be out of here by tomorrow, or he might just throw himself out the window.

“Jim,” she started, and he could tell she wanted to talk about Friday, about what happened between them. But that was the last thing he needed to deal with right now, and he really couldn’t deal with it at the office.

“Not here, Kar,” he shook his head. “Just…we don’t need to talk about it. Really.”

“I just feel bad,” she said quietly.

Yeah, she felt bad. She hadn’t changed her mind or given it some thought, she just felt bad. Amazing how much it could still hurt after a weekend of mourning and grieving the love that would never be and the woman he could never have. “You don’t need to feel bad,” he forced himself to say. “But I do need to start calling these clients, so…”

“Can we get lunch later?” she asked hopefully.

“I really don’t think that’s a good idea. I’m just going to take fifteen minutes or something so I can get some work done. Maybe before I leave, though.”

“Yeah,” she nodded. “Before you leave.”

He smiled half-heartedly and turned his chair around to face his own computer. Enough, he told himself. Enough now. Just do what you have to do and get out of here.

For the next few hours, he worked harder than he had in the last six months combined. He went through his client list and assigned them equally to each of the remaining sales people in the branch, then started working his way through the calls. By the third or fourth client he had the speech memorised, and by lunch, he had contacted nearly a third of all his clients.

But he could feel Karen’s eyes on the back of his neck. Of course, after years of begging for this kind of attention, he only got it because she felt guilty, because she knew she was the reason for his rather drastic and sudden move to Scranton. There were a lot of things he wanted from Karen Filipelli, but pity was not one of them. She might mean well, but he just couldn’t tolerate any desperate attempts to save their friendship. Maybe it wasn’t fair to punish her for not sharing his feelings, but he had to think there was part of her that always knew, and if not, maybe she was never the friend he made her out to be.

After all, her friendship had always been his consolation prize. He needed it, needed a way to justify spending so much time with her without any real hope of a relationship in their future. Being her friend was the only way he could be around her, so he took what she could give. He had no doubts her affection for him was real and genuine, and he knew she really would miss him when he was gone, but he had to wonder how much of it was him and how much of it was the idea of him. He’d been a constant in her life, always there when boyfriends weren’t and the only person who really knew her. Of course she didn’t want to lose that, but did she really even know what she was losing? She couldn’t remember where he grew up, didn’t know he preferred beer to fancy cocktails or wine. She couldn’t spend a few hours with his precious nieces, and she never realised he wanted more. Her sadness, her sense of loss…it was all a knee-jerk reaction. It was all instinct trying to preserve something she felt slipping away, something she felt belonged to her.

Karen wasn’t a villain. He had to keep telling himself that. He was probably just as much at fault as she was. She took and took and never gave, but he let her. He let her use him and hoped it would someday turn to love. Maybe she should have seen it earlier, but he never tried to make her notice. She couldn’t expect him to stay now, couldn’t possibly ask him for anything more, but he also couldn’t tell her how to react or blame her for feeling sad.

But God, he really wished he could. He never wanted to be the cause of her pain. In spite of everything he still loved her, and now he was just hurting her.

He thought of his brother then and tried to quash the rising feelings of jealousy. Matthew wasn’t perfect, and he didn’t lead a perfect life, but he’d never had his heart broken, either. He was too busy studing to notice girls much in high school, but he always had plenty of good friends and found a beautiful girl to go to prom with him. He dated one girl freshman year at Penn State, then broke up with her when he met Kim. They had their fair share of fights, and Jim was on the receiving end of a few miserable all-night phone calls, but they always worked it out, and now they were starting the kind of life Jim always wanted for himself. When Matt was his age, he was already married and buying the house that would become his family’s home. It was hard not to feel jealous now as he packed up his mostly empty life in a mostly empty apartment and headed back to Scranton to start all over at the age of 27.

Within a few minutes, he had worked himself into a mess of self-loathing despite his relative productivity. He kept pretending to work, hoping Karen would get a phone call so he could safely escape for his lunch break. Instead, he was surprised by a familiar but unexpected little voice. “Uncle Jim!” she cried.

He turned around just in time to see his youngest niece barreling towards him at full-speed and his frazzled sister close behind. “Sophie!” Larissa chastised. “Sorry, she got away from me.”

“No worries,” he shook his head as he scooped up the little girl. “Everyone’s leaving for lunch anyway. Hey Sunshine,” he greeted as Sophie happily burrowed into his chest. “What are you all doing here?” he asked his sister.

“Sophie and I didn’t have anything to do today, and she’s been missing her Uncle Jim. I thought we would surprise you for lunch.”

Of course, Jim knew what this really was, but he didn’t many opportunities to see his niece since they lived in Hartford, and it was impossible to fele unhappy around Sophie no matter what Larissa intended. “You wanna have lunch with me, Soph?”

“Yes!” she cheered excitedly, melting his heart as she always did.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Let’s go!” He picked her up and playfully slung her over his shoulder, breaking into a huge grin as she giggled. Larissa just shook her head and followed them out, and he wondered if his sister had any idea just how great her timing was and how genius it was to bring Sophie. Knowing his sister, he had a feeling it was all perfectly calculated.

At the adorable age of three, Sophie wasn’t much of a gourmet eater, and her abundant supply of mid-day energy ruled out any notions of visiting any of Stamford’s finer restaurants. They ended up at a McDonald’s, but it was hard to complain about his meal when Sophie squealed in delight and scampered away to the playplace. He watched in amusement as she easily entertained herself and made a new friend, her Uncle Jim suddenly not nearly as interesting as he had been just twenty minutes earlier.

With blonde hair and big green eyes, Sophie was a miniature replica of her mom. Her big sister, Emily, looked a lot more like their dad, but Sophie looked just like every picture he’d ever seen of Larissa at this age. “It’s almost freaky how much she looks like you,” he noted.

“And acts like me, too, according to Mom and Dad.”

“Wow, are you prepared to deal with Larissa’s teenage years, part two?” he teased.

“Hey, what would you know about that? You were seven when I became a teenager,” she pointed out.

“Yes, but I have Matt to fill me in on the details I was too young to understand,” he reminded her.

“That bastard,” she frowned.

“Uh oh. I take it he told you about the baby?” he guessed.

“Please. Would our dear brother ever miss a chance to rub something in my face?” she scoffed.

“No, he really wouldn’t.”

And it was true. While he and Matt had always been close, Matt and Larissa were like the poster children for sibling rivalry. Larissa was at just the right age to absolutely abhor the intrusion of a sibling in her perfect four-year old world, and for years, she punished him for ruining the great thing she had going on as an old child. Matt quickly learned to give as good as he received, and the competition between them was still thriving. Jim, on the other hand, hadn’t been a real threat to either of them. Larissa was six when he was born, and instead of hating him, she welcomed the novelty of a baby she could hold and love on. He never felt like he could live up to either of his impressive older siblings, but at least he was spared their screaming matches and vicious fights.

“I guess I’m happy for him,” she admitted grudgingly.

“Yeah, you sound thrilled,” he quipped.

“It’ll be nice to have a little boy in the family, but let’s just hope he’s more Kim than Matt.”

“So much love.”

“Yeah, it’s touching, right?”

“Very,” he agreed. “And speaking of Matt…when did he decide to open his big mouth?”

“Hmm?” she asked, feigning innocence and taking a big sip of her Diet Coke.

“Come on, Riss. Do you really expect me to believe you just drove from Hartford to eat lunch with me at McDonald’s just because Sophie hadn’t seen me in a few months?”

“That girl just loves her uncle,” she smiled angelically. At his pointed look, she gave up and tossed a french fry at him. “Well, do you really expect me to not be worried? You’re my baby brother, Jim.”

“I’m 27, Riss.”

“So? You’re still my favourite little brother.”

“Is that what you tell Matt, too?” he raised an eyebrow.

“No. I tell Matt he’s a brat and he smells bad.”

“That would be funny if I thought you were joking. It’s amazing you’re the mother of two and he’s about to have his first.”

“Amazing and sad, you mean,” she corrected.

“Yeah,” he laughed, glancing over his shoulder to make sure Sophie was still safe and happy.

“So…are we going to talk?” Larissa prodded.

“We are talking.”

“I’m serious, Jim. How are you?” she asked, her good-natured sense of humour immediately replaced by concern. “I know how hard this is.”

“Right,” he laughed shortly. “You know how hard this is. You, with your great husband and your two incredible kids.”

“Yeah, me,” she responded without flinching. “I’m six years older than you, Jim. I have things together now – for the most part – but believe me, you’re not the only one to have your heart broken,” she shook her head seriously. “Chris is a wonderful husband, and we’re very happy, but it’s taken a lot of work to get here.”

He sobered a little and sat up in his seat. He didn’t talk to his sister about serious matters all that often. With six years between them, they never really had much in common. He spent so much of his life looking up to her, and it never really occurred to him that perfect, pretty Larissa might not have always lead a perfect, pretty life. “I’m sorry,” he apologised quietly. “I didn’t know.”

“I know,” she nodded. “It’s okay. I just want you to know you’re not the first person to feel like this. It feels pretty lonely, right?” she asked sadly.

“Yeah, it really does,” he agreed with a long, heavy sigh.

“Look, I know you and Matt have the brother and best friend thing going on, but I’m still your big sister, and I think we may have more in common than you know. I give Matt a hard time, but I know the two of you are really close, and I know he’ll help you through this. But Matt…he’s a lucky bastard, Jim. Most of us don’t have it that easy. I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found Chris.”

“I don’t think I want to hear about the people you’ve kissed, Larissa.”

“Will you be serious for like, five minutes?” she asked in exasperation. “I drove from Hartford to check on you.”

“I’m trying not to think about it, to be honest with you,” he finally confessed. “Of course it’s kind of hard when she sits three feet away from me, but I’m hoping I can be out of there in a day or two and spend the rest of the week figuring out where I’m going to live.”

“Have you called any of your friends to tell them you’re moving back?”

“No,” he shook his head. “It was kind of a sudden thing. Matt suggested it on Thursday, I called our boss at corporate that evening, and I signed the paperwork on Friday. I just…I couldn’t take it anymore, Riss,” he admitted.

“I don’t blame you. For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing a good thing here. No one should have to face that on a daily basis, and you can never get over it and move on with your life when you have to deal with that. I’ve been there,” she informed him flatly. “Junior year I moved into an apartment with one of my sorority sisters. I’d had a crush on this guy since like, day one of college, and Jenny knew about it, but it didn’t stop her from dating him. I spent that entire year crying alone in my bedroom and moved out as soon as our lease was up.”

“Wow, that’s…I had no idea.”

“You were fifteen,” she shrugged. “Wasn’t something I really felt compelled to share. I remember calling Mom and crying quite a bit, though.”

“Yeah, well, at least you probably never confessed to him you were in love,” he muttered, half-under his breath as he tossed another glance behind him to check on Sophie. Of course, he could still hear her happy giggles, and Larissa positioned herself so she could keep a watchful eye on her, but he didn’t want his sister to see the tears stinging his eyes.

“Oh Jim,” she sighed. “Did you really?”

“Yup,” he nodded. “I know, I’m an idiot.”

“No, you’re not an idiot,” she shook her head. “Don’t say that. How did it go?”

“Well, obviously not well,” he deadpanned. “I don’t know…I guess it wasn’t as terrible as it could be. She at least tried to be nice about it, but it kind of woke me up to how delusional I’ve been for the last four years. It’s crazy, I guess,” he shrugged. “She’s great, but we’ve always wanted different things. I’ve spent all this time thinking she would eventually change. Time I could have spent doing other things, like going back to school and finding a job I actually like.”

“Don’t do that,” she scolded mildly. “I know it sucks in retrospect. It feels like you’ve wasted your time, but you have no idea what’s going to happen a year from now, two years from now…hell, ten years from now. I look back on those three miserable years in college, or some of the bad relationships I was in, and yeah, there are unpleasant memories,” she acknowledged. “But without those bad experiences, I wouldn’t have been ready for Chris. I promise, it’s going to be the same way for you.”

“Yeah, I don’t know about that.”

“Jim,” she said, giving him a pointed look. “If Matt can find someone to marry
him, so can you. And you’ll have lots of kids – boys, preferably, that will all be a lot cuter than his.”

“So are you really saying you’ll play favourites between nephews?” he asked incredulously.

“Nah,” she shook her head. “I’ll just try to convince Matt that I am.”

“How old are you again?”

“Not old enough, apparently.”

He just laughed and shook his head, but before he could say anything else, Sophie came running over and began tugging on his arm. “Uncle Jim! Come play with me!” she insisted.

“Sweetheart, I think Uncle Jim might be a little too big for the playplace,” Larissa laughed softly.

“Um, no one is ever too big for the playplace,” Jim corrected. He spent the next fifteen minutes placing her at the top of the slide then catching her at the bottom, never tiring of her clear little giggle and her excited claps. Yeah, he definitely needed one or two kids of his own someday.

When she finally started to get tired, he carried her back over to the table and rubbed her back to help her fall asleep. She was out by the time they made it to the car, so he laid her down in the back seat and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“You headed back to Hartford?” he asked his sister as they drove back to the office.

“Yeah, I better. Emily’s going to kill me when she finds out I brought Sophie to see you while she was at school. Think I can convince you to come up for a visit before you leave for Scranton?” she asked hopefully.

“I can probably do that. I’m hoping to finish up in the next day or two at work, so I can just take a few days off to pack up and everything.”

“Sounds good,” she nodded. “And hey, I know you and Matt will do the manly thing and move stuff and drink beer, but I’m just a phone call away if you need anything.”

“Thanks, Larissa,” he said gratefully.

“No problem,” she smiled. “Should I come beat this Karen girl up for you?”

“Yeah, Riss. That’s exactly what my poor, defeated ego needs right now. For my big sister to come save my honour for me.”

“I’d do it for you, Little Brother.”

“Yeah, I know,” he nodded. They pulled back up to his office, and he leaned over for a hug. “Thanks for coming today. I think I needed this.”

“The healing power of three-year olds, right?”

“Yeah, definitely,” he laughed, glancing to the backseat and allowing the sight of his sleeping niece to calm and prepare him to face another few hours next to Karen. “I’ll give you a call about coming to visit,” he promised. “Drive safe.”

They said their goodbyes, and then he took a deep breath and headed back into the
office. Everyone was returning from lunch now, but thankfully, Karen was on the phone when he slipped back into his seat and pulled out his client list once more. He could still feel her eyes on him as he worked his way through the phone calls, but this time he forced himself to think about Sophie and Emily and his upcoming visit to Hartford to see them again.

When it was finally quitting time, he packed up his things in his messenger bag and steeled himself to turn around and say goodbye to Karen. She smiled weakly, and he felt an acute pang of regret. You’re doing the right thing, he reminded himself, trying to repeat his sister’s words over and over again in his head. All of this pain was just preparing him for something better, but looking at her, it was hard to imagine being in love with anyone else. “That was the youngest one, right?” Karen asked quietly.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Sophie.”

“She’s adorable. How old is she?”

“She’s three,” he answered shortly, all-too-aware of what she was doing, trying to show some interest in his life, trying to right the wrongs of the past and somehow convince him to stay and be her friend. “I need to head out. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She deflated a little but nodded in acceptance. “Okay. See you tomorrow.”