Pam Beesly finally died at 3:00PM.  

It was Wednesday and Jim had left that morning to go to New York for a 3 day meeting at corporate.  The phone hadn’t rung in at least fifteen minutes and her interest in FreeCell had waned over an hour ago.  There were no pranks to play, no memos to write and no Jim to distract her.  

She had held up well until now.  She only had to survive another two hours but death came suddenly as it often does.  She wondered what her obituary would say as she felt her head grow heavy and fall to her desk.  Maybe it would say,

‘Pamela Monroe Beesly died on Wednesday, December 5th after a long struggle with boredom.  Her body was discovered only after the automated voicemail filled up.  She will be missed by one Jim Halpert who had better not forget to call her tonight.’

Her cheek felt cool resting on the desk.  Her eyes closed as her mind wandered back to this morning when she woke up before Jim.  He was sleeping soundly on his back next to her.  His chest rose and fell in rhythmic contentment.  They didn’t have to get up for fifteen minutes and as much as she hated to wake him, he looked so inviting she rolled over and snuggled up against him wrapping her arm around him and pulling him close to her.

“Ugh, Mom, please just 5 more minutes.”

“Your Mom woke you up this way?”

“We were a close family, Beesly”.

“I’ll say.”

He turned his head and placed a scratchy, unshaven kiss on her forehead.  She couldn’t contain the huge goofy smile it brought out in her.

“Do you really have to go today?”

“Hmm,” he murmured thoughtfully as he ran his hand down her back.  “Well, Ryan, my boss, is counting on me to show up so I can partake in the celebration of his purported genius and since I’m the only member of the Scranton branch he invited...  yeah, I could definitely skip it to spend the day with you,” he said as his eyes sparkled at the idea.

Ryan had put together a three day event in New York called the Dunder Mifflin Infinity Expo.  It was an effort to demonstrate how the website was going reinvent sales and give greater competition to the encroaching threat of Staples and Office Depot.  There were going to be demonstrations and training sessions for the top salespeople as well as parties geared toward networking everyone within the company.  Stock analysts from the major investment houses were invited to a question and answer session Friday in an effort to boost confidence in the company’s flagging stock price.

“No, I guess you need to go,” she said glumly, hugging him tighter.

“Nah, they won’t miss me.   Dwight can go in my place.  I’m sure a bunch of financial hotshots would love to hear all about ‘Battlestar Galatica’ from a slightly off-kilter beet farmer.  Or maybe Andy can go and regale them with tales of anger management  and what life is like for a C- Cornell graduate.  And don’t forget Michael,  he would happily move the whole thing to New York's finest Chili's.  Or even better, Hooters."

“Oh yeah, act all high and mighty about Hooters now,” Pam said as she gave him a pointed look.

“Pam, I’ve said it before and I’ll say again.  The hot wings at Hooter’s are to die for.  This is an indisputable fact.”

“Fine, but I’m still not going.”

An hour later Jim was standing in her doorway ready to leave for New York.

“So, are you going to miss me?”  he fished.

“Hmm. No.”

“No?  No?  Not even a little?” he mock pleaded.

“Nope.”

“Ouch.”

“Oh c’mon Jim, you’re only going to be gone three days.  I’ve got class tonight, ‘Finer Things’ meets tomorrow and Friday night I’m having dinner with my Mom.  I’ll be too busy.”

“Fine.  I’m going to miss you, though.”

“You’d better.”

He laughed. “So mean.”

She leaned up to receive his goodbye kiss when she heard someone calling her name.

“Pam?... Pam?...”

It was Dwight’s voice.  What was he doing here at her apartment?

His voice grew louder and more insistent.  “Do you need emergency assistance?!?!  Tap once with the third finger of your left hand for yes.”

Jim dissolved before her eyes and her keyboard came into view.

“Michael!  Michael!  Pam is down!  Pam is down!”  Dwight yelled.

Before she could react, she felt her chair violently pulled backwards and saw Dwight jump in front of her and put his face mere inches from hers.

“Pam, can you hear me?  It’s Dwight Schrute.  Blink twice if you understand me.”

She was confused.  “Dwight, what are you doing?!?”

“Saving your life, clearly.”

“I’m not in danger.  I fell asleep on my desk,” she said pushing her chair back away from him.

His brow knit.  “Are you sure? “

“Yes...YES!” she added emphatically when she saw his doubt.

“I’m sorry but I saw an employee of this company who appeared to be experiencing a medical emergency and I acted accordingly.”

Michael came out of his office.  “Dwight, what are you doing?  Leave her alone.”

“She appeared to be in need of assistance.  I am a Volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy for Lackawanna County and I would be remiss in my sworn duties if I-”

Michael cut him off.  “Look, just leave her alone.  She’s fine.  She’s probably just got her period or something.”

Before Pam could protest, Dwight jumped back in.

“No, Michael that is not correct.  According to my calculations, she’s not due for-”

“Can we PLEASE not have this conversation?” Pam interjected.

“Fine, but rest assured that I am fully trained in basic life saving and will not hesitate to use my services if I feel that you or anyone else in this office is need of them.  That is the first rule of the Lackawanna Volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy and I intend to uphold it at all costs.”

She wasn’t sure why that sounded like a threat. 

“Dwight, go back to my office.  We’ve still got work to do.  And Pam, I’m expecting a call from Bill Conners of the Pennsylvania Bigfoot Society so just put him through when he calls.”

Michael had come to work this morning and asked her to gather everything she could find on Bigfoot.  He had watched a documentary on the Discovery Channel last night and was now convinced of the existence of Bigfoot.  He and Dwight had spent the day pouring over the information she had found on the internet. 

“Alright people, back to work,” Michael said as he and Dwight wandered back into his office.

Minutes later, having sufficiently calmed down, Pam glanced around the office.  She could hear Angela snapping at Kevin for singing softly while filling out paperwork.  Stanley was taking a sales call while expertly finishing a crossword puzzle.  Phyllis was knitting while Creed watched from his desk with increasing intensity.  Meredith was rubbing her temples and Oscar was standing at Andy’s desk reviewing an expense report with him.

Pam felt the torpor of the familiar melt her back into her chair.  Even with under two hours to go, she wondered how she would make it.

The ringing phone did nothing to assuage these thoughts.

“Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam,” she robotically intoned.

“Why do I find those to be the sexy words ever spoken?”

She felt her face flush when she realized who it was.

“I told you stop calling me at work or my boyfriend Jim might find out about us,” she whispered in to the phone conspiratorially.

“Oh thanks, Beesly,” Jim said in defeat.

“You really are easy,” she said as she tried to hide her smiling face from Dwight’s suspicious glare.

“Then I guess the bathroom graffiti at Chili’s is right about me.”

“Hey, I was drunk.”

“Are we still hiding behind that defense?”

“Yep, and be glad you don’t know what it says about you in the Cugino’s bathroom cause that would make you blush.”

“Okay!”

“Hey, shouldn’t you be impressing people with your encyclopedic knowledge of the world of paper?”

“I’m currently between meetings and since the Dunder Mifflin Expo is all the fun of Hell but without the pitchforks and flames, I decided to call my girlfriend to have her remind me why I’m doing this.”

Hearing him say girlfriend in reference to her always made her heart flutter.

“You’re doing this because romantic nights at Dwight’s beet farm are not free and you know how much your girlfriend likes them,” she answered brightly.

“Yeah about that, we should really work on going somewhere else so I don’t have to keep feeling guilty that our one romantic getaway was at a co-workers beet themed bed and breakfast.”

She made a noise of protest.  “That was hands down THE most romantic night of my life!  How dare you feel guilty!”

“Are you kidding?  Now I feel worse!  We spent the most romantic night of your life at Dwight’s.  Ugh, I really suck as a boyfriend.”

“Jim in all seriousness, you could carry me to the top of the Eiffel Tower at midnight and kiss me silly and it still would pale in comparison to the beet farm...  Now that doesn’t mean you should cross the Eiffel Tower off the list.  There’s no shame in second place,” she counseled.  ”It’s just, for me, that experience was perfect”.

“And you think I’m easy?  Dwight’s beet farm?  Seriously?”

“Yep.”

“Dwight Schrute’s beet farm?  With the too small beds, creepy Cousin Mose, the outhouse and, oh god, beet wine?”

“Yep.”

“Huh, that’s either the best thing I’ve ever heard or possibly the worst.  Jury’s still out on that one, Beesly.”

“I’m not changing my mind.”

She suppressed a laugh when she heard him sigh dramatically.

“Alright, tell me what I’ve missed today.”

“Well, Michael and Dwight have spent the whole day debating the existence of Bigfoot.”

“Bigfoot?  Really?”

“Yes Jim, Bigfoot.  A six to eight foot hairy nocturnal bipedal man-ape with excessively large feet that lives in the forests and swamps of North America,” she deadpanned.

“You are serious...  Great and I’m trapped here in New York.  Hmm... Maybe when I get back we can tell him about the Lake Scranton Monster.  That could keep them busy for a few days.”

“Yeah, totally.”

“Do you want me to see if I can get you out of there early?” he offered.

“How could you do- scratch that.  Yes, please, yes.”

He chuckled softly.  “Just put me through to Michael and I’ll think of something.”

“Are you sure?”

“Armed with the knowledge that our time on the beet farm was your most romantic night means I have to start being a better boyfriend.”

“Alright, hang on.”

Pam walked over to Michael’s office and announced in her practiced nonchalance, 

“Michael, I have Jim holding for you on line 1.”

Michael looked up surprised as the frown on Dwight’s face deepened.  

Michael picked up the phone.  “Jimberly, my man, how’s New York?  Did you go to Sbarro yet?  It’s still the best pizza in the city.”

Pam lingered outside the door while she listened to Michael on the phone with Jim.

“Good.  I wouldn’t steer you wrong on pizza...  Well, yes, but that wasn’t my fault.  I had a coupon and that kid was asking for it so...”  Pam chuckled as Dwight nodded emphatically in agreement with Michael.

“Fine.  Whatever.  So, what’s up?  Is Ryan being a baby again?... A favor?  Of course!  You know I love to do favors!  It’s the part of my job I love the most.  Well, that and the acclaim it brings me...  Oh... Oh... So you want me to go and...  Are you sure?  I don’t mind. I’m just sitting here with Dwight and...  Pam?...  I don’t know if we can afford to lose her today.  I mean the hotness quotient is already way down with the loss of Karen and Ryan and you in New York.  If a potential client walked in and saw the uggo’s left here they’d probably just walk out...  Yeah...  Yeah...  Well that’s true...  Well, thank you.  I hear that a lot but coming from you... So, you’re sure I couldn’t just...  Yeah, alright...  Wait, Jim, what do you think about Bigfoot?...  Uh-huh...  Uh-huh...  Really?...  In Lake Scranton?...  Wow.  Do you think we were in danger at any point?...  Hmm...  No, I’d like to see what you’ve got on it...  Alright, I’ll give you back to Pammy...  Sure.  See you Monday.  Scranton power.”

“Pamalicious,  Jimtastic needs to tell you something,”  Michael yelled from his office.

Pam went back to her desk and picked up the phone. “What did you say to him?”

“Just that I left a computer manual behind that Ryan sent me and could I get you to go get it and overnight it to me.  I then informed him his good looks would anchor the hotness quotient in your absence.  Oh, and that my Uncle Tony has been researching the Lake Scranton Monster for years and I would bring him some information on it Monday.”

“You have an Uncle Tony?”

“No, so if you get some free time in the next couple of days see if you can put your amazing skills as a computer animator to work to create the aforementioned monster.”

“Absolutely, I will.”

“Good.  I’d better get back in there.  I don’t want to lose my seat in the back of the room.  I’ll call you tonight.  It will probably be late though cause there’s a party where we the gathered drones will get to hangout with our collective corporate bosses.  It will be even less fun than it sounds especially since my awesome girlfriend won’t be there.”

“Ah, I hear she has class tonight.  Besides I heard a rumor that a certain ex-girlfriend from Utica is attending.”

“How did you know?”

“R.G.N.”

“Of course, The Receptionists Gossip Network.  Is there anything they don’t know?”

“Nope.  Now that we’ve covered that, have you seen her yet?”

“Oh, yes.”

“And...”

“She said hello which I believe is Karen-speak for ‘I see you live despite my best efforts to kill you via voodoo doll'.”

“Oh.  Are you going to be ok?”

“I’d be better if you were here.”

Pam smiled.  “Boy, you are good at this.”

“Thank you, but I was being serious.”

“I know.  Just try to avoid her death glare and come home safe to me.”

“I will.  Talk to you tonight.”

Pam closed her eyes as she felt the hot bath water envelop her.  She let go of the day and felt her body relax.  Class had been long but informative.  Getting off work two hours early had given her time to get things done.  Usually she left work in a hurry to get home and get ready to go to class but thanks to Jim’s ruse she was able to relax a little before hand and even eat dinner not behind the wheel of her car.

In the comfort of the water, she felt her mind drift to thoughts of Jim.  She never expected him to come back.  When he left with Karen to go to New York for the job interview, she assumed it was over.  She made peace with it or was trying to.  She had said what she had wanted to say.  Even if it didn’t have the desired effect she wasn’t holding her feelings back.  It really was going to be ok for once.

Then he came back.  

It was so unexpected but there he was.  Standing in the doorway and using the words ‘dinner’ and ‘date’.  A dinner date.  With Jim.  Jim Halpert.  It seems so silly now.  Now she has dinner with him all the time.  However at that moment, it seemed like the best idea ever.  

When she left the interview with the camera crew, she briskly walked over to where he was standing at his desk on the phone.

“Hey,” Pam said trying to conceal her excitement.

He turned around and smiled still on the phone.  “Yes, two for 7PM.”  He raised his eyebrows at her questioning if that was ok.  She nodded enthusiastically.  “Alright, great. We’ll see you then.”  He finished and hung up the phone.

“So, 7 is good?”  he asked.

“7 sounds amazing,” she responded feeling her heartbeat in her chest.

“Just so we’re clear, I withdrew from consideration for the job and Karen will probably show up any minute now to finish screaming at me for dumping her,”  he said with a sarcastically grimaced expression.

She said the only thing she could think of to say to all of that.  “Wow.”

He just laughed.  “And Pam, since this is a date, if you plan on ordering the lobster, I will expect you to put out... Just a little FYI there, Beesly.”

“Wow,” she continued too stunned to speak.

He reached out and softly squeezed her hand.  “I should probably get out of here before... Oh hey, Dwight,” Jim said as he dropped her hand.

Dwight came out of the break room and walked up on them with a slow, arrogant strut.  

“You’re back,” he drawled disgustedly.

Jim shrugged, looked in Pam’s eyes smiling.  “Yes.”

“Figures.  I knew corporate would see right through your little charade.  You can’t hide behind your little hair cut and your-”

Before he could finish, a muffled cry of “What?” could be heard coming from the direction of the annex.  

“What?!” The cry got clearer and closer.  “What?!?!  What are you saying to me?!?!”

It was Kelly.  She was hot on the heels of Ryan who was walking briskly towards the door.

Ryan stopped when he saw Jim.  “This is the best day of my life.  Thank you so much, man,” he said as he grabbed Jim’s hand to shake it.  “And good luck, I’m out of here.”

“Ryan, come back!  Come back!  I love you!” Kelly continued to yell as Ryan stopped at the door and waved goodbye to the few remaining employees left.

Jim looked back at Pam who never took her surprised eyes off him.  “I don’t know what that was all about,” he said as his eyes went wide in confusion.  “Well, on that note, pick you up at 6:45?” he lightly offered.

“Wow.”

“You said that already.”

“Wow... I mean, yes.  Yes, definitely!  Definitely yes,” she answered suddenly feeling stupid and self conscious as Kelly ran past them crying hysterically.

“I should go check on Kelly,” she said feeling embarrassed and in need of a minute to compose herself in the face of all that had happened.

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea” he observed as a wounded animal like cry emitted from the kitchen. “I’ll be expecting a full report at dinner.” He smiled deliciously at her.

“Wow, just wow,” she repeated as she hurried to Kelly.


At dinner, Pam found herself talking non-stop.  She hadn’t realized how little they’d spoken in the last year until she started talking.  There were so many topics that she found herself jumping from one to the other and back again.  Jim sat just sat and listened with a serene smile on his face.

“... And that’s when I decided to just paint my living room cream colored.  White just felt antiseptic and what’s the worst thing the landlord can do, right?...  I’m sorry, am I talking too much?  I feel like I’m talking too much.  I’ll just shut up now,” she said as she sat back in the booth and looked uncomfortable.

Jim laughed.  “No, Kelly, it’s fine.”

“Oh, gee great, now I’m Kelly?  God, I am talking too much.  I’m sorry, I just feel like there are so many things we haven’t said, you know.  It just seems like there is so much to catch up on.”  Pam started wringing her hands nervously.  “Ok, I’ll stop now.”

Jim looked concerned.  “Pam, c’mon, I was kidding.  I was enjoying listening to you.  You’re very cute when you talk like this.”  Pam felt herself blush.  “I would happily listen to you read the phonebook if I could watch you like this.”  The smile returned to his face.  “Now continue on.”
 
“I’m too embarrassed,” she said blushing even harder.  “Maybe we should order dessert.”

“Dessert sounds good,” he said breaking the tension.



An hour later with dessert long finished, they were standing in front of his car in the parking lot of the restaurant.  It was a warm evening with a clear sky.  She didn’t want it to end.

“So...” she said hopefully.

“Yes?” he replied smirking.

“What now?” she nudged.

“Well, I’m going to take you home, walk you to your door and try and steal a kiss goodnight.  How’s that sound?”

“Sounds bold.”

He cocked an eyebrow at her.  “I think you can handle it.”

“I think you’re right,” she demurely responded.

“As far as everything else goes...”  He exhaled and looked down into her eyes intently.  “I meant what I said to you that night, Pam.  I know things between us since then have been... not good... but my feelings for you never changed.  Even in the darkest moments when I really wanted them to.”

He looked down uncomfortably for a moment and then back up at her.  “I never stopped loving you, Pam.  Not even for a minute.”

They held each others gaze.  She wasn’t sure how long they stood there staring into each others eyes.  Minutes?  Hours?  Did it matter anymore?  There were things she wanted to say, lots of things, but at that moment, he held the world in her eyes.  He always had.  And for now she knew that was enough.

He broke their gaze.  “Now let’s get out of here so I can work on stealing a goodnight kiss.”

“Yes!” she emphatically replied.


Minutes later she was standing in her doorway rocking on her heels in anticipation.

“So, I had a nice time,” she leadingly offered again.

“Nice enough to warrant a second date?” he countered again.

“We haven’t finished the first one.  How will I ever decide until we do?” she joked.

He chuckled and pulled her close to him.  “Maybe this will help.”

He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers.  The kiss was soft and full of promise.  Her toes began to curl.  She felt his hands cup her face as the world began to slip away.  It was a kiss that knew there would be a tomorrow.

His hands fell away from her face as he pulled back.

She felt breathless.  “Oh yeah, that definitely gets you a second date.”

Out of the tub and dressed, Pam wandered into the kitchen.

It was strange to pass her empty dining room table.  On most nights, Jim would be sitting there quietly filling out the paperwork he avoided all day at work.  It had become a routine that she had come to enjoy.  One of them would make dinner and the other would do the dishes.  After dinner, they would separate and Jim would complete his paperwork and Pam would study or sit in the bedroom and draw.  When they were done, they would reconvene on the couch and share desert.  It was a small unspoken comfort that she missed tonight.

Armed with a small bowl of ice cream and her sketchbook, she sat on the couch and flipped channels on the tv disinterestedly.  “Was tv always this bad?”  she muttered to the empty apartment after a second pass through all the channels.

With the ice cream finished, Pam turned off the tv and opened her sketchbook.  There were only a few blank pages left.  She flipped through the used pages stopping to look at hastily recorded ideas for paintings or oil pencil portraits of family members she drew from memory.  She even had sketches of some of her fellow employees.  There was the intensity of Dwight, the sadness of Toby, the joy of Kelly and the muted enthusiasm of Kevin.  

She had really grown as an artist in the last few months.  Her technique and her inspiration were finally in harmony and it showed.  It wasn’t always that easy, she had struggled for a long time.  It seemed like the essence of people or even objects were eluding her.  Her works were dull even though they were technically proficient.  Earlier sketchbooks revealed commonplace still lifes and flat, one dimensional renderings of her surroundings. Works like jet skis tethered to a dock or a drawing of Roy’s work shirt lying on their bed were almost claustrophobic in their focus.  She could see her world of practical choices and dreams she once held too tightly reflected on those pages.

As she continued to thumb through the pages, she passed the many recent sketches of Jim she had busied herself with capturing.  She paused at a detail of his face.  His bright eyes and smile radiated off the page.  She carefully traced the contours of his jaw with the tip of her finger as she thought of all the signs and signals she once chose to ignore or refused to understand.  It all seemed like another life now.

The cameras left for the summer soon after Karen had returned from New York to finish eviscerating Jim in the Dunder Mifflin kitchen for what seemed like an hour.  As helpless as she felt watching them from her desk, it was worse when Karen finished.  She stormed out without looking at anyone.  Jim wandered back to his desk with an unreadable expression.  He sat down and started filling out paperwork.  He never looked up once.  Pam didn’t know what to do.  They had just spent an amazing three days over the weekend together.  Karen was the furthest thing from her mind when she walked in to the office on Monday.

Jim and Karen were already in the kitchen when she arrived.  Thankfully, Michael had left a message saying that he had corralled Andy into helping him move Jan’s things into his condo and they weren’t going to be in today.  Not that their presence would have stopped Karen.  She was hell-bent on letting Jim have it.  

Pam couldn’t make out the words Karen was saying but her body language was livid.  Jim stood stone still under her barrage.  Pam did her best to look busy.  Phyllis would occasionally look over at her concerned but she pretended not to notice.

Karen eventually gave out and left.  Jim noticed nothing after returning to his desk.  Pam tried her best to subtly signal him to no avail.  He was unreachable.  She felt nervous.  He had just come back.  She didn’t want to lose him again.  What if what Karen said had changed his mind?

A half an hour passed and he demonstrated no emotion.  Toby had wandered over to see how he was but Jim just waved him off, wordlessly returning to his paperwork.  Pam wasn’t sure what to do.

Fifteen minutes later, he finally put his pen down.  He then walked over to reception carrying
some papers.  She looked up and froze as he approached.

“Hey, do you mind faxing these for me?” he intoned looking at her sheepishly.

“Sure, are you ok?”  she quietly questioned.

He grabbed a jellybean.  “Yeah, I’m good,” and sat back down to make a phone call.

His face was unchanged.

She looked down at the papers and saw a handwritten note that said:


'So that happened. Please say you’ll still have dinner with me tonight even though I’m the worst person in the world.

Jim'


She felt relief wash over her as she looked up and saw him visibly smirking in her direction.

And that was how it all started.  They had settled into a friendly arrangement of spending all their free time together.  Karen was gone and so were the cameras.  The heat of a Pennsylvania summer was creeping into the air.

On the surface, the languorous days at Dunder Mifflin continued unabated.  No one seemed to notice any changes between them.  There were questions at first but they were easily diverted with some halfhearted denials and liberal use of the words ‘just friends’.  Their interactions became just another part of the never changing landscape of the workplace.  No one saw the secret smiles or the stolen kisses.  No one watched their body language or read their eyes as they communicated wordlessly to each other from across the room.  It was work and nothing ever changed at work.  Only Kevin remained suspicious but his hapless sleuthing remained perfunctory at best.  They had their own world again.  A world safe from the insanity of the Scranton branch.  A world that was theirs together.

Outside the office, they continued to reconnect over dinner dates and daytime activities.  They were learning all about each other.  What they had seen of each others lives through the years ended at 5PM every weekday.  Where they went and who and what they saw was only known in descriptions.  Discovering the lives of the other was illuminating and only served to deepen their connection.

Pam was most surprised to find that Jim could cook.  Not only that he could cook, but that he was good at it.  He laughingly dismissed her compliment by pointing out that he had only learned to cook because one day he realized that he and his roommate Mark hadn’t eaten a vegetable in over three weeks.  He only got better at it because Mark was hopelessly cranky when it came to an inadequate meal. 

Jim seemed most surprised that Pam didn’t realize how beautiful she was.  It wasn’t like she thought she was ugly.  She found herself to be pretty and approachable.  Jim on the other hand thought she was the most beautiful woman in the history of the world and couldn’t understand how she didn’t agree with him.  He was so adamant in this opinion that she sometimes wondered if she hadn’t cast a spell on him.  Though she still found it hard to believe, It was through his gentle cajoling that she found the confidence to change her wardrobe and she even began wearing her hair down at work.  Though to be honest, she mostly agreed to it because he threatened to keep his new haircut if she didn’t.

The fledgling relationship maintained the fun and flirty vibe they had always had.  Those early days were filled with lots of talking and joking.  Finding each other again was intoxicating.  To be able to say anything and feel everything was indescribable.  

The physical aspect of the relationship unveiled itself slowly.  The kissing and touching was at first chaste and respectful.  There was no need to rush things.  Simply holding his hand or feeling his arms pull her into a hug was more sensual than anything she had ever experienced before.

The first time he spent the night it was on the couch.  She had curled up next to him to watch tv.  She lost track of time when he wrapped a protective arm around her shoulders.  She didn’t move for a long time because she didn’t want him to let go.  When she finally looked up at him, he was asleep.  She carefully unwrapped herself from him.  He was solidly asleep so she went and retrieved a pillow and blanket from her bedroom closet.  

She gently grazed his forearm with her fingertips to rouse him. 

“Mmm, sorry, I fell asleep,” he murmured as his eyelids sleepily rose.

She smiled down at him gently.  “Yes, you did.  Now let’s get you more comfortable.”

Jim got the idea and shifted around until he managed to lie down on her couch.  Pam untied and removed his shoes.

“Mmm, this is nice,” he registered drowsily as she wrapped the blanket around him.

“Yes, it is,” she replied smiling fully contented.

She passed a hand across his forehead brushing his hair back as she laid a small kiss there.  He released a sigh and sank back into sleep.

The move from him sleeping on the couch to sleeping in the bed with her happened the third time he spent the night.

They had opened a bottle of wine Jim had brought over to go with the dinner Pam was cooking.  The one bottle became two when they moved to sit out on the patio after dinner.  They made it halfway through the third bottle while sitting on the couch.

It wasn’t long before sitting on the couch became drunkenly making out on the couch.  It was even less time before the restraint of the words ‘making out’ weren’t going to cover what was happening.  Years of hinderances and inhibitions melted away in the heat of this kind of contact.  They were moving rapidly to the precipice when she felt Jim pull back.  She looked into his flushed face.  She wanted nothing more than to continue.  Using only her eyes, she let him know.  He looked down sadly.  She knew immediately.  It couldn’t be now.  It couldn’t be like this.  Not the first time.  He was right.  She leaned forward and kissed him.

“Stay with me.”

He nodded imperceptibly.  She reached for his hand and led him to her bedroom to stay for the first time.

In bed, under the covers, she slid into his arms.  It was the physical manifestation of the cocoon they had created years ago.  A world of safety and serenity no one else could see.


Pam closed her sketchbook.  It was getting late.

She dreamed of the ocean.   Blue-green foam kissed air from gently crashing waves.  She was on her back feeling the grains of sand against her skin.  The sun was bright overhead.  She rose and walked to the water’s  edge.  She watched as the rolling waves pushed warm salty water over her feet.  The sky on the horizon was the soft red and orange of a rising sun.  

She caught sight of Jim strolling along the beach.  She turned to greet him but noticed he had begun heading for a house perched on a dune behind her.  She followed him into the house.  It was dark and small.  She lost sight of him immediately.  She called his name but got no response.  She felt relieved when she heard stirring in the kitchen.  She moved quickly toward it.  A figure with its back to her was leaning over looking into the refrigerator.

“Jim?” she queried.

The figure pulled back and revealed himself.

“Hey babe,” he said with a thick smile.

It was Roy.  She stood there stunned.

“What are you doing here?” she said trying to restrain the growing panic she felt.

He looked confused.  “Pammy, I came with you.”

“No, you didn’t Roy. Why are you here?” she demanded.

“Kenny and I came with you, babe.  We brought the jet skis so we’d have something to do here at the lake,” he replied looking even more confused.

The lake?  She wasn’t at the lake.  She was at the ocean.  With Jim.

“Roy, where’s Jim?”

“Jim?  Jim who?  Pammy, who’s Jim?”  Roy was smiling again.

“Damn it Roy, Jim!  Jim Halpert!  I came here with him not you!”  She was exasperated by his senseless responses.

“There’s no Jim Halpert here.  It’s just you, me and Kenny at the lake, Pammy.”

“Roy, I’m not at the lake.  I’m at the ocean.  I’m here with Jim, not you.  Why are you here?  What do you want?!? “  The tension in her voice was rising.

“Pammy...”

“Stop calling me that Roy,” she warned.

“Pammy, what’s wrong?  You love the lake.  Doesn’t she Kenny?”  he said with the same benevolent smile.

Kenny entered the kitchen and the space around her contracted.

“Yeah, Pammy.  C’mon, you love the lake.  You’ve always loved the lake,”  Kenny said stepping closer to her.

Kenny and Roy continued to smile generously as they moved closer still.  Their smiles were sucking the air out of the room.

“I don’t want the lake.  I want the ocean,” she pleaded.  “I never wanted the lake.”  

She felt shame as soon as the words left her mouth.  It was a lie.  She did once want the lake.  The lake with all of its safety and predictability.  She suddenly felt rooted in her spot.  The forms of Kenny and Roy grew larger.  She wanted to cry.  This is what she deserved.  The life she got for not taking chances.

They kept getting larger.  She kept feeling smaller. Her mouth grew silent.  She implored for help with her eyes but the visages of Kenny and Roy registered nothing.

She felt an arm slide around her waist.  She turned around and saw Jim. 

“Wake up, Pam.”

She sucked in a gulp of air and heard strange canned laughter.  It was the tv in her bedroom. The bedroom of the apartment she got after leaving Roy.  She had fallen asleep with it on.  The clock on her nightstand read 11:49 as her eyes adjusted to the dark.

Pam sat up in bed.  “I have got to stop eating ice cream before bed,” she announced feeling ridiculous.

She went into the bathroom and washed her face.  She hated that her psyche had turned Roy into an archetypal monster.  He wasn’t.  For all his faults, he did love her.  It was a simple somewhat selfish love but it was love.  He was a good person.  He was solid and dependable.  He just wasn’t the right person for her.  It wasn’t anyone’s fault and he certainly wasn’t a monster.  They just grew apart.  Or she did.  

She sometimes still felt vague pangs of guilt for what happened.  The only thing was she wasn’t sure who she felt more guilty for hurting.  Roy for calling off the wedding and their ten year relationship or Jim for saying the words ‘I can’t’.  She tried not to let it bother her but sometimes it would creep into her mind.  She actually knew the answer deep down was Jim and that made it worse somehow.  To think she hurt him like that was devastating.  She never loved anyone like she loved him.  In all the years with Roy, she never felt anything close to what she feels for Jim. She never even conceived of the depths her love for him could reach.  It was as exhilarating as it was frightening.  Realizing she almost lost all of this because of her inability to admit her feelings to herself still scared her sometimes.

After the coal walk on the beach, she resolved to never not say what she felt.  She did cheat that promise a bit when she confronted Jim that night.  She didn’t tell him she loved him.  It was the only thing she held back.  Granted they had hardly spoken in months and he was sitting there with his girlfriend looking on so maybe it wasn’t the best time.  Besides, after all she had said, her point was hard to miss.

It was near a month after Karen had left when she finally spoke the words she felt so deeply.

It had been a typical day at work.  Michael had taken to calling Jim, ‘Jimmy’.  He spent most of the day finding reasons to use his newly minted appellation for Jim.  If it bothered him, it wasn’t showing.  He was in an unusually good mood.  Especially for a Dunder Mifflin employee whose boss was focusing his unwanted attentions on.

Pam followed Jim into the break room.  He was humming while pouring himself a cup of coffee.

“You’re in a good mood,” she ventured.

“That’s because I have a date tonight,” he answered stirring sugar into his coffee.

“Oh, well is she pretty?”  she asked feigning disinterest.

“Most definitely,” he replied looking at her with an impossibly huge smile.

“Where are you taking her?” she lightly inquired trying not to grin back.

“It’s a surprise.”

“How will she know what to wear?”

“Well, a little birdie told me that when she went to the mall with her mom last weekend, she bought a little red number that would be perfect for tonight,” he informed her with devious nonchalance.

Pam was shocked.  “Who told you?”

He cocked an eyebrow still grinning.

Of course her Mom told him.  “Damn her, I was saving that as a surprise.”

The annoyed voice of Angela came from behind them.  “Excuse me.”

They turned and looked at her.  She exhaled loudly and put her hand on her hip.  “Move, please.”

Jim muttered an apology and left.  Pam stayed lost in thought.

Angela glared at her.  “You’re not still hung up on that glib lothario, are you?”

Pam still distracted didn’t understand her.  “I’m sorry, what?”

Angela’s eyes went wide in fury.  “I’m talking about Jim.  Are you or are you not wantonly throwing yourself at him still?”

Angela fold her arms across her chest awaiting an answer.

Pam tried to quickly recover.  “Oh, uhm... no, we’re just friends.”  She felt as transparent as cellophane under the withering eyes of Angela.

“Then how come when I entered the room, you were clearly... well, you were clearly having unchristian thoughts,” she concluded in a judgmental whisper.

Pam felt her jaw drop.  She couldn’t decide if she was more horrified or amused.

Angela looked at her sternly and began to lecture.  “Pam, I have stood by while you threw away a perfectly wonderful and handsome man in your desperate pursuit of this slack, unkempt playboy.  I remained silent as you displayed a serious lack of judgement at the beach, but I can remain silent no more.  You must stop this shameless mating dance you feel compelled to do whenever you are in the same room with this godless libertine.  Don’t think I haven’t noticed.  You demonstrate the morals of an alley cat whenever you can commandeer his attentions.  Your brazen dressing style and cavalier attitude toward relationships are the talk of the office.”

Pam furrowed her brow at that one.

“Oh please,” Angela continued, “don’t act so shocked.  Kevin thinks the two of you are already shacking up.  It’s scandalous the way you carry on with him.  When I first met you, you seemed so...  nice and mannered.  You were engaged to a strong, virile man.  A man any woman would be happy to make a life with.  A man who comported himself with a quiet dignity.  And what did you with this strapping creature?  You throw him over in pursuit of a floppy haired adolescent!  An adolescent who changes sex partners like he’s at a square dance!”  Angela threw her hands in the air and proclaimed, “May the Lord God have mercy on your eternal soul, Pam Beesly!”

Angela’s words swam in Pam’s head.  She reacted the only way Fancy New Beesly knew how.  She started laughing.  Uncontrollably.

Angela’s features became indignant with rage as Pam doubled over with laughter.  In a huff, she left the room.

“Angela!  Wait! I’m sorry,” Pam managed to breathlessly get out before collapsing into laughter again.

Pam took a minute to regain her composure and wandered back to her desk.  Jim gave her a quizzical look as she passed.  She smiled at him and rolled her eyes.  He shrugged it off and picked up the phone.

The rest of the day passed uneventfully.

At 5PM, sat at her desk and watched as people filed out of the office for the weekend.  Jim was stalling so he could talk to Pam before leaving.

After an interminable wait for Kevin to finish describing his over long weekend plans, Jim sauntered over to reception.

Pam looked up expectantly.  “Ready for your hot date?”

“Oh yeah.  How ‘bout you?  Any big plans?” he smirked mischievously.

“Nope, just sitting home and washing my hair,” she shrugged.

Jim looked around the room.  “Look since we’re alone, I should probably tell you what I’ve got planned.  I would have told you sooner but I wasn’t able to confirm everything until earlier this afternoon.  You know that new French restaurant downtown?”

“Lapin?  Are you kidding?  It’s all Oscar talks about.  He and Gil have been trying to get reservations for weeks,” she replied excitedly.

“Well, sometimes dating a paper salesman has advantages that aren’t limited to our incredible knowledge of the many shades of white.  Every once in a while we get a client who loves paper so much that he wants to thank the salesman for delivering his treasured reams at such reasonable prices.  Long story short, we have reservations at Lapin at 8PM,”
he concluded happily.

“And to think I was dating you just for the sex.  I had no idea there would be fringe benefits,”
she dreamily replied looking up at him in faux awe.

“You’re funny.  Since we haven’t actually had sex, I assumed you were dating me for my access to the company expense account,” he offered.

“No, I’m definitely after the sex.  Which if Oscar is even half right about how romantic Lapin is, I will be encouraging you to order the most expensive thing on the menu,” she answered with impudent sarcasm.

“Such a tease,”  he joked as he slid his messenger bag over his shoulder.  “Now c’mon, let’s go and forget this place exists until Monday.”

“Will do, Jimmy”.

Pam stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around herself.  It was going to be a good night.  She wiped away the condensation on her bathroom mirror and saw her reflection staring back at her.  The last month had been a whirlwind.  The changes in her life were happening so fast she almost couldn’t keep up with all of it.  In the past year, she had left Roy after ten years, got her first apartment and car, learned to be independent, started taking classes to pursue her interests, lost Jim and then amazingly got him back just short of losing him for good.  For anyone it would have been a tumultuous year.  For someone whose life changes before this could be described as glacial, it was positively unthinkable.  Now, on top of all that, she was finding herself in love in a way she never imagined before.  It all made her head spin when she thought about it.  Not that she was complaining.  Quite the opposite.  It’s just that the wonder of it all was stupefying.  The life she was now living was so full of possibility.  She literally couldn’t wait to see what each new day would bring.

She pulled the towel from her head and watched as her hair fell about her bare shoulders.  She briefly admired her visage in the mirror.  She felt pretty.  “Is this what Jim sees?” she thought and then rolled her eyes at her own mild vanity.  She made a face and stuck out her tongue in an attempt to moderate this new feeling.  It didn’t work.  She still felt pretty.  She contorted her jaw and scrunched her eyes.  Nope that didn’t do it.  She showed her teeth and glared.  Now she just felt silly.  She looked at herself normally again and lightly laughed.
That was when she heard the voice.  It came from over her shoulder.  It was disembodied and calm as it cut through her.  All it said was:

“You’re in love with Jim Halpert.”

This wasn’t exactly news.  She had been in love with him for a long time.  To date she hadn’t told him but that was only because the perfect moment to say it hadn’t materialized.  Besides, she knew Jim knew.  Jim knew everything about her.  Their relationship had always transcended mere words.  But that wasn’t what the voice was saying.  It was waking her up to all that had happened and all that was going to happen.  It was pointing out what she hadn’t fully processed.  The things she knew but didn’t necessarily understand.  It was Jim Halpert she was in love with.  Jim Halpert, the paper salesman who came into her life and showed her what it was like to be alive.  Truly alive.  The Jim Halpert who believed in her.  The one who saw inside of her.  The one who knew what she hid from the world.  The one who risked it all for her.  The one who persuaded her to do the same.  Jim Halpert.  JIM HALPERT!  Holy God.

Jim was due any minute.  Pam had managed to get her dress on but she kept collapsing into fits of hysterical laughter or joyous crying.  It was all so strange.  She got it.  She was in love.  Really in love.  The kind you dream about.  With the kind of guy you dream about.  It
was crazy.  These things didn’t happen to her.  She wasn’t special.  She was a receptionist at a failing paper company in a town once referred to as ‘the armpit of America’.  How the hell had this happened?  

Pam suddenly felt irrationally angry.  The world had gone upside down.  Did no one else notice?  What were they stupid?  And what  was with Jim?  Jim with his big smiles and impossibly expressive eyes.  What the hell was he thinking?  How dare he make her feel this way.  It was an outrage.  She had a safe life and then he came along and knocked her out of her orbit.  Now everything was, was... well it was wonderful but that wasn’t the point.  What if he woke up one day and changed his mind?  Then what?  It would be just like a man to do that too.  They seem all nice and sweet and then they leave you at a hockey game.

She was working herself into a choleric lather when the doorbell rang.  Of course he was early.  It was just like a man to be early.  Sure he was two minutes early but that was still early, damn it.

Pam ran to the door in her cocktail dress and bare feet.  She was all set to give Jim a piece of her mind.  She flung the door open.  He stood there in a dark blue suit holding a bouquet of flowers.  Her mind froze and then cleared.  She heard the voice again.

“This belongs to you.”

Everything started crashing around her.  She saw it all as it passed.  “Hi, I’m Jim”, calculators in jello, mixed berry yogurt, Dwight in a cardboard box, basketball, Katy, kissing Jim at the Dundies,  Flonkerton, desert island, saying she would blow her brains out if he left, the dojo, dinner on the rooftop, Jim’s bedroom, the teapot, standing on the deck of the booze cruise, his face when she tells him she’s not taking the internship, fabric softener, jinx, ‘I’m in love with you’, realizing he was gone, telling Roy she couldn’t marry him, waking up in her new apartment the first time, starting classes, watching 28 Days Later, telling him about it, seeing him walk back into the office for the first time again, Karen touching his back, Dwight finding her crying, going home with Roy, the art show, Roy at Poor Richard’s, Roy attacking Jim, the coal walk, finally telling him, watching him leave for the interview, ‘watching him come back to her.  And now here he was.

“Pam?... Earth to Pam... You still with us, Beesly?”

She looked at his face as his smile changed to confusion.  

“I got you some flowers... Uhm, we have-”

She cut him off.  “I love you.”

“...reservations... wait...  What?”

Pam took a deep breath.  “I love you.  I’m in love with you, Jim”.

Her tone was even.  She felt centered.  Maybe for the first time ever.

He looked stunned.  She took the flowers from his hand and placed them on her hall table.  She turned back to him and pulled him down to her lips.  She kissed him slowly.  She could feel his confusion ebbing.  They kissed as the world around them disappeared.

They made their way to her bedroom.  Words had ceased to be necessary.  He removed his tie as she unbuttoned his shirt and ran her hands across his chest removing the shirt.  He pulled her back into a kiss as is hands ran up her back.  He found her zipper and slowly drew it down.  Now was the time.  This time it was right.

On the bed, they were both unclothed.  There was no nervousness or shame.  His hands wandered the contours of her body as her skin drank in the contact.  She closed her eyes and saw a world of colors swim before them.  Heretofore unseen hues and tones danced as everything inside that was once stagnant and staid began to flow.

Pam’s eyes grew heavy. She was trying to stay awake for Jim’s call but it was past midnight and she had to go to work in the morning.

She sighed as she turned off the tv. “Goodnight, Jim.”

As if on cue, the phone rang. She knew it was him so she answered in his favorite way.

“Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.”

All she heard was a thudding crash followed by the sound of a distant Jim cursing. He must have dropped the phone.

“Are you alright?” she asked half concerned and half amused.

“Yes. Sorry... I fell off the bed,” he answered sounding shamed.

She recognized his tone immediately. He was drunk.

She stiffled a giggle. “Have you been drinking?”

“Maybe.... Yes.”

“Is that why you fell off the bed?”

“Sort of.”

She couldn’t contain her fit of laughter.

“Great now you’re laughing at me. Just so you know, I’m pretty sure this bed is slanted so it’s not my fault,” he protested.

“Your bed is slanted? How does that work Jim?” she asked clearly amused.

“Well it... it goes this way when it should go that way... or something... I’m going to hang up now before I embarrass myself further.”

“Wait, don’t do that! I believe you,” she lied. “Now tell me how you ended up drunk and falling off the bed,” she prompted.

“There was a party... Lots of corporate people... Karen was there... I was nervous... I lost track of the amount of drinks I had... Now I’m drunk and fighting with a slanted bed... I miss you... A lot... I don’t want to be here anymore, Beesly.”

“You’re sweet when you’re drunk,” she teased. “Tell me about the party. Did you hobnob with bigwigs? Did you meet Brad and Angelina?”

“No, I spent most of the night talking to David Wallace and his wife Rachel.”

“Really? What did you talk about?”

“Sports... Scranton... Paper... Michael and Jan... Dwight... Ryan... Dunder Mifflin Infinity... Why I didn’t take the job... Why Karen went to Utica and keeps looking at me like I’m the devil... “

“Oh boy, you did drink a lot didn’t you,” she said bemused.

“Rachel’s a nice person... I probably said too much... She really wants to meet you,” he said as his voice drifted.

“Me? Why’s that?”

“I told her what a great artist you are and how you have all this talent and how you’re so funny and... you’re just so wonderful and... how lucky I feel to be with you... I probably said too much,” he finished dejectedly.

“Well don’t stop now, you were on a roll.”

“Yeah, I guess,” he said turning suddenly serious.

“ Don’t worry about it. You couldn’t possibly be the first person to talk a lot at a party.”

“Yeah, I know...”

“You sure you’re ok?”

“I’m just tired I guess. It’s been a long day.”

He was lying and she knew it. All of those things may have been true but something was bothering him. She knew better than to push him. She knew he would shut down and hide it if she did. She also suspected she knew the source of his problem.

“Did Karen say something to you?” she asked gently.

“No... I mean... No... It’s just that...”

She could feel him fidgeting as he grew quiet.

He sighed deeply. “Pam, do you ever think I should have taken the job?”

“.... I’m sorry, what?”

“The job,” he continued. “Jan’s old job. The one at corporate. Do you ever think I should have taken it?”

Pam was stunned into silence. She wasn’t sure what to say or more importantly what he was saying.

“I don’t understand what you’re asking me, Jim.”

“Forget it... It’s nothing,” he said and went silent again.

“No, it’s something. I’m just having trouble understanding what you-”

“Did I screw up our future? Did I doom us by staying in Scranton? Pam, I turned down New York City. You’d probably love it here and I turned it down. How could I do that?”

Pam grasped for the right thing to say. She wasn’t used to Jim expressing doubts. He always exuded an air of certainty. She knew he had doubts about his direction but she never thought he had doubts about his decisions.

She tried to reassure him. “Jim, you didn’t do anything wrong. Scranton is hardly the end. Besides, New York isn’t disappearing anytime soon. Who said I wanted that anyway?”

“I don’t know... What if this is it? What if I spend forever as a paper salesman... at Dunder Mifflin... in Scranton... then what?”

“Then you’re a paper salesman at Dunder Mifflin forever. So what? Your work has never defined who you are. I’m not in love with you because of your career prospects. I mean are you going to stop loving me if I’m a receptionist at Dunder Mifflin forever?”

“No, but you’re not going to be a receptionist at Dunder Mifflin forever.”

“Exactly! And you’re not going to be a paper salesman forever.”

He got quiet again. It was going to be ok. Even from two hundred miles away she could feel the wheels in his brain unsticking.

“You’re making that ‘Gotcha!’ face aren’t you?” he surmised.

“Yep. And you’re smirking in an attempt not to smile because you know I’m right,” she responded confidently.

“Maybe.”

“Maybe? Maybe? Now I know you’re smiling. You’re only sassy when you’re smiling,” she ribbed him.

“Sassy? Seriously, someone has been watching too much Tyra Banks.”

“At least I’m not the one TiVoing it.”

“Hey, I did that for you!”

“Yeah sure you did, Miss Thang.”

“Ouch, Beesly...”

She laughs and rolls onto his side of her bed. She puts her head on his pillow. Her stomach tightens as she realizes the physical distance between them. She imagines him there. His arms lazily wrapped around her. She closes her eyes and curls herself up in his memory.

They make small talk about their day. She talks about class and her day at work. He gives the Dunder Mifflin gossip as his voice sobers. The things to say kept coming as the hour grows late.

“... I still can’t believe Dwight did that.”

“I KNOW! He was less than an inch from my face yelling at me to respond! I’ll never fall asleep at work again,” Pam stated unequivocally.

They both laugh at the absurdity. She can hear the tired in his laugh.

“I should probably let you go. I’m sure Ryan has another exciting day planned for tomorrow at Dunder Mifflin Infinity Boot Camp. I don’t want Team Scranton falling behind,” she said as she sat up in bed.

He groaned. “God, don’t remind me. Ryan’s IT guys spent most of the day ogling the hot girls from the Yonkers branch while making us read a training manual on how computers were going to replace us... I’m really not sure what the point of all this is. The company is going down the tubes and Ryan takes salespeople off the job for this? I’m starting to think I should have taken the job just so I wouldn’t have ever had to do this!”

She hears him fidget for a second.

“Sorry about earlier... I didn’t mean to call and dump all that on you. I was just feeling stressed or something... It’s just weird sometimes to see Ryan and realize he’s my boss...
It doesn’t help that Karen knows my career prospects are my weak spot. When she cornered me at the party... I’m sorry, you probably don’t want to hear this...”

“I didn’t say that, Jim... I actually think it’s a good idea to talk about it but I’m not going to make you if you don’t want to.” Pam knew she needed to tread lightly to keep him talking.

“It’s not that I don’t want to... I know Karen is just mad at me but... I worry she’s right.”

She kept her voice calm. “What happened? What did she say?”

“Well, I was at the bar when she came up and mentioned that the industrial copier that Michael and Dwight ruined was finally repaired. I tried to make a joke but it fell flat. Thankfully, Ryan got up to make a speech. After he was done, she pointed out how that should have been me. How I should have taken the job even if I was still going to dump her for you. How it was stupid to go back to Scranton. How I probably wrecked our future cause I would be stuck there long after you left... and that sort of thing. There was more but...” he finished quietly.

The shock she initially felt was giving away to anger. She knew it was best to couch it. Jim was always careful the few times the subject of Roy had come up. He never insulted him or even expressed any acrimony. She was going to do the same.

She tried to lighten the mood for starters.

“Hmm, at least she didn’t mention how you invented cancer.”

“Ha, ha,” he rejoined flatly.

“Oh c’mon, Jim. She’s your ex-girlfriend who you callously dumped so you could be with your true love. Of course she hates you!” Pam pointed out.

“Wow, you really suck at making me feel better,” he marveled.

They both laughed.

“Seriously, she doesn’t know me or us well enough to make those statements... I hope this isn’t a big suprise for you but, I love you and I plan on going wherever you’re going... even if you’re going nowhere... in which case you’re going with me wherever I’m going. So saddle up Jim, we’re going places,” she concluded happily.

She could feel him smile through the phone.

“Alright, maybe you don’t suck at making me feel better,” he conceded chuckling.

“I am a multi-talented girlfriend.”

“So I’ve heard.”

Pam lay back on the bed smiling.

“I should probably let you go, huh? It’s close to 1AM. I know you have ‘Finer Things’ tomorrow. I don’t want Oscar and Toby yelling at me because I kept you up late.”

“Yeah, they’re pretty vicious... Can you sleep?”

“Damn slanted bed will make it difficult but yes, I’ll try.”

“Call me tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

Pam straightened the papers on her desk as she stifled a yawn.  It had been a quiet morning at Dunder Mifflin.  Michael was unusually subdued and Dwight was out on a sales call.  Everyone else was quietly working or at least pretending to be.

Toby wandered over to the reception desk.

“Hey, Pam. Ready to discuss ‘Girl With A Pearl Earring?”

Pam responded by letting out a giant involuntary yawn.  Toby reacted dispiritedly.

She looked up at him embarrassed.  “Sorry, I didn’t get to sleep until late.  I’ve been stifling that yawn for the last ten minutes.  I didn’t mean to...” she waved her hand in the air as she tried to restrain another yawn.  “Anyway, yes I am ready.  I made those cucumber finger sandwiches you like.”

Toby’s face lit up.  “Really?  You made those for me?”

“Of course.  I remembered you liked them.  With Jim in New York, I had some extra time last night so...  yeah.”

Pam’s eyes strayed towards Michael’s office so she didn’t notice Toby deflate slightly at the mention of Jim’s name.

“Jim... yeah,” he intoned distantly.

Pam kept looking towards Michael’s office because Michael was on his feet and pacing in agitation.

Toby looked at Pam anxiously.

“You know, since Jim is out of town, maybe we could-”

Toby was interrupted by Michael calling from his office.

“Pam!  Come in here. I need to speak to you.  Now!”

She sighed and wordlessly headed for his office.  Toby looked crestfallen.

“What is it Michael?” she asked expecting the worst.

“Close the door and have a seat.”

She did as instructed.  “Ok.”

Michael sat at the edge of his desk.  “Pam, what were you doing?”

“Uhm, I was talking to Toby and-”

“Why are you talking to Toby?” he questioned emphatically.  “Don’t you know?  Toby is the devil!  He’s small and mean and devious.  And you’re talking to him?!  Why?!”

“Uhm.”

“Pam, I am Jim’s best friend and-”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.  Jim and I have a bond that you as a woman can’t understand.  We are tight like brothers.  We’re like Arnold and Willis.”

“Arnold and Willis?”

“It’s ‘Different Strokes’, Pam.  Try to keep up,” Michael counseled as she shifted in her seat in annoyance.

“Jim and I are like Arnold and Willis and Toby is like the evil adoption agency man who wants to place Arnold and Willis with... the hunter who shot Bambi’s mother....  Or Toby is the hunter who shot Bambi’s mother.”

“So does that make Jim Bambi or-”

“Just see what I’m saying.  Toby Flenderson is evil.  He will destroy all that is good and humane in the world.  I won’t let that happen.  When Jim is gone, I’m your surrogate protector-”

“No, Michael, you are most definitely not.”

He squatted down in front of her.

“I want you to have lunch with me.”

“Thank you but I already have plans.”

“Well, cancel them because I am taking my best friend’s girl to lunch.”

“No, Michael, that really isn’t necessary.”

He ignored her.  “Do you need reservations for the Olive Garden?  I’d take you to the Outback but I think I’m no longer welcome there after Jan crawled under the table and unzipped my pants to-”

“MICHAEL!  Seriously.  I have plans with Oscar and Toby.  Jim knows this and doesn’t have a problem with it so thank you but no.”

He knew he was beaten.

“Fine, but I’m not letting you leave until you agree to have lunch with me tomorrow.”

She was too tired to fight and just wanted out of Michael’s office.

“Alright, but I don’t want to go anywhere.  Let’s just eat here.”

Michael stood up.

“Tomorrow it is.  I can’t wait.  It’s gonna be great.  Lunch with my best friend’s girlfriend.”

He grinned happily as she got up to leave.  She knew it was a bad idea but it was twenty-four hours away and she could always get hit by a blimp before then.



‘Finer Things’ proved to be another spirited discussion.  She and Oscar discussed the book and Vermeer’s legacy as Toby happily munched the cucumber sandwiches.

Michael called a meeting at 2:45.  It was the fifth one dealing with Powerpoint.  He still hadn’t gotten all the way through the demonstration.  The computer crashed twice and Jim got him sidetracked by asking for magic demonstrations or reviews of movies he had seen so these attempts never lasted long.

Pam watched as everyone filed into the conference room.  She didn’t move in hopes that Michael wouldn’t notice.

Daryl wandered in from the warehouse.

“Hey.”

“Hey, Darryl.  You here for the meeting?”

“Yeah.  Kelly said we haven’t been spending enough time with each other at work so...”

“Hmm.  Well, that’s nice of you.  I’m sure she’ll appreciate it.”

“Also, the guys in the warehouse aren’t too keen on her hanging around down there.  Lonny threatened to quit if I ever let her eat lunch with us again.”

Pam smiled sympathetically.

“Besides I’m a little curious to see what your boyfriend Halpert has planned.  I kind of enjoyed last time when he got Michael to act out scenes from ‘American Gangster’.”  Darryl chuckled at the memory.

“Well, Jim’s in New York for the next couple of days...”

“Really?  Damn.  So this meeting really is gonna be about Powerpoint?”

“I’m afraid so.”

“Is that why you’re out here?”

“Yeah, I’m kind of hoping they don’t notice.”

Darryl considered his options.

“Hey, you mind if I hang out here for a minute.  I have to go in eventually caused I promised Kelly but I don’t want to go until I have to.”

“Sure.  Make yourself at home.  We have some really outdated copies of ‘Cracked’ and I believe a copy of ‘Small Business Magazine’ where Michael declares Chili’s to be the best place for business meetings in the ‘Letters to the Editor’ section.”

Darryl sat on the couch while Pam busied herself with her attempts at becoming invisible before Michael could find her and teach her nothing about Powerpoint.  Again.

“So you missin’ on Jim?”  Darryl asked.

She tried not to smile too big.

“Maybe...  but don’t tell him that.  I don’t need him getting a big head over it,” she protested.

“Yeah, I hear you...  He’s a good guy...  He sucks at ping pong but-”

“Hey, he’s getting better,”  Pam defended.

Darryl just laughed and picked up a well-thumbed magazine.

“I guess you heard about Roy, huh?”

“He’s in Lancaster, right”

“I got a buddy down there that took him on.  Seems like he’s doing alright.”

“I’m glad,” she responded sincerely.

“I’ve been trying to get down there to see him but Kelly takes the time my daughter doesn’t,” he observed tiredly.

Pam nodded in silent understanding.

Darryl rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

“I’d better get in there.  Once Kelly gets worked up about something... well, you know.”

He got up off the couch and ambled into the meeting.  Pam opened the book of paintings by the Dutch Masters she brought for ‘Finer Things’ and flipped through the pages.

A few minutes later, Dwight entered the office looking disheveled and covered in grease marks.

“Dwight, what happened?  Did you have car trouble?”  she asked concerned.

Dwight walked over and placed a funnel shaped metal object on her desk.  He stood there saying nothing and looking at her as though she would know what it was.

“What is that?”

“Like you don’t know?” he answered disgusted.

“Uhm, no.  What is it?”

“The man at the garage said it is called a whistle tip.”

“How would I know what that is?”

“It is a dime store prank object that fits over a car’s exhaust pipe and cause it to make a whistling sound not unlike the sound of a fan belt problem,” he said with impatience.  “I was in my car on my way back from the sales call when my eight track of ‘Highway to Hell’ broke and-”

“You have an eight track in your car?”  Pam interrupted.

“Of course.  The quality of magnetic tape far exceeds that of digital,” he confidently responded.  “Anyway, the tape I have enjoyed loudly for years broke.  It was then I heard a whistling noise.  I pulled over to the side of the road and performed an inspection on the engine.  Finding no defects, I continued on as did the sound.  I then pulled over again and performed a much more thorough examination of the engine.  After three hours-”

“You spent three hours on the side of the road?”  Pam interrupted again.

“I had to break the engine down... that takes time,” he replied as if talking to a child.  “Again I found no defects.  I started the car and pulled back on the road and the sound began again so I drove to a garage.  After an extended wait, they informed me that my problem was having a juvenile co-worker who enjoys impressing people with his ridiculous pranks.”

“They said all that?” she innocently queried.

Dwight shook with rage.  “I’ll have you know-”

Michael appeared in the door of the conference room.  “Dwight get in here!  I’m reenacting ‘Fred Claus’ for Darryl and I need you to get on your knees and play an elf.”

Dwight narrowed his eyes at Pam.  “Yes, Michael, but there was an incident I’d like to discuss with you.”

“Yeah, I don’t care about that so just get in here....  Pam, I’m gonna need you too.  You’re going to be ‘Hot Girl #1.”

“There was a character named ‘Hot Girl #1’?”

“No, I’m improving the script.”

After a pause, she mentally shrugged and decided it had to be more entertaining than answering the phone for the rest of the afternoon so she turned on the voicemail and joined them.

At 5PM, Michael reluctantly released his captive audience.  His attempt at improving ‘Fred Claus’ was a game effort.  His improvisational reenactment borrowed liberally from ‘The Bourne Identity’ and ‘Titanic’ but still managed to involve elves and a Clint Eastwoodesque Santa Claus.  Pam had retired from the role of ‘Hot Girl #1’ when Michael suggested a love scene.  The scene was scrapped when the only volunteer to replace her was Meredith.  

All in all, it wasn’t a bad day at work.


Computer code began to swim before Pam’s eyes.  She had been at the computer lab at school for at least two hours putting the finishing touches on her final project for her computer animation class.  It was getting late and her head was starting to hurt.  She saved her work on a disc and headed for her car.

Pam snaked through the empty dark streets of Scranton.  Christmas lights and decorations bled together as she passed on her way.  The December chill and the anticipation of the first snowfall of the season kept people warm and in their homes tonight.  She moved past it all only to find herself at the four way stop near Jim’s apartment.  There were a million reasons to keep going to her apartment.  His absence being the obvious one.  The hum of loneliness she had been ignoring all day grew louder.  Sitting at the stop sign, she felt her resistance crumble.  Making a noise of defeat, she turned left and headed for his place.

Opening the door with her key, she stepped into the darkened hallway.  A sense of familiarity immersed her as she flipped on the lights.  She walked slowly through the rooms hoping she could find a good reason why she was here or at least a reason to stay a little while longer.

She paused in the kitchen looking at the pictures on his refrigerator.  He had covered the door in pictures.  Ever since he bought a digital camera over the summer, he had been taking pictures non-stop.  He had a real eye for photography though he insisted on only displaying silly pictures or the latest round of photos of his brother’s baby.  Pam’s favorite was the picture of Dwight standing at his desk in full fury at having his picture taken.  Jim had pretended to be a fashion photographer and made Dwight his model.  Dwight was not amused when Jim started yelling instructions for poses as he followed him through the office taking his picture endlessly.

Her eyes lingered on the photo of the two of them that her mom had taken with Jim’s camera.  They were standing in her parent’s dining room having just finished Thanksgiving dinner.  He had just finished lightly kissing her and she was looking up at him smiling with her arms around his waist.  They didn’t realize they weren’t alone until the flash went off.  She remembered how she was trying to find the right words at that moment to express how happy she was.  She gave the photo a secret smile at the memory.

In the living room, she scanned the organized clutter.  The room looked so different now.  The first time she saw it was on their second date.  The adjective ‘spartan’ barely covered what she saw.  She had been expecting something akin to what she had seen of his place with Mark.  A sort of quasi, post-collegiate bachelor pad.  Instead she saw a dark nearly empty apartment with a few stray pieces of furniture.  It looked like a corporate apartment used to house employees on a short term basis.  She didn’t say anything after they walked in because by the exposed look on his face it was as if he had just realized how he had been living.  She found herself nonplussed as he hurried her through the tour and out the door to go to dinner.  Within days, he began with her help adding life to his home.  Now his home was comfortable and lived in.  It reflected his personality.  

She didn’t forget what she saw that first day.  They had broached the subject of their past over a long Memorial Day weekend.  It had been surprisingly easy to forgive each other when light was shed on the mistakes and miscommunications between them.  From the vantage point of the present, it all just seemed so silly.  A legacy of regret lingered between them but only as dying embers.

It was only later that Pam realized that Jim never discussed his time in Stamford.  It left an unfilled hole in her memory.  She told him all about what happened after he left and how scary it had been to strike out on her own but he only talked of life before and after Stamford.  He never mentioned his time there.

It was a rainy Sunday when she finally approached the subject.

They were in bed debating on whether to get up.  The rain in June could be torrential and that made for a good excuse not to move.  They were lying on their sides smiling at each other.  She didn’t know what possessed her when she said,

“You know, there is something I’ve have wanted to tell you for a long time.”

His eyebrows shot up in surprise.

She kept smiling.  “I don’t know how you’re going to take it but I want to get this off my chest.”

He looked a little nervous but game for the surprise.

She took a deep breath.  “I REALLY hated Katy!”

He burst into relieved laughter.  “Are you serious?  Katy?”

“YES!”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Yes, I am.  You could not have chosen a better person to make me mad.”

“Mad?  You sound jealous to me,” he responded happily.

“I am SO not jealous of that shiny haired bubble head.”

“Uhm, I think you are.”

“No.  I have always hated girls like that.  To see you date one was heartbreaking.”

Jim kept laughing.  “Well, for what it’s worth, she liked you.”

“Yeah, that’s not helping...  Jim, she was a cheerleader for God sakes!  How could you!”  she artificially pouted.

“I’m... sorry?” he tried as he made puppy eyes at her.

“You are so not getting out of this one with your endearing looks,” she warned.

He rolled his eyes as the laughter left them.  “I don’t know what I was doing with Katy.  I guess I just needed cover.  I hadn’t dated anyone since I started at Dunder Mifflin for the obvious reasons and I guess I was just...  I don’t know...  feeling transparent.  It was a defensive move on my part.  I was hung up on you and I just didn’t want anyone else to know so...  yeah, Katy.”

He got quiet and looked away before continuing.

“It didn’t help having Roy around that day she came into the office.  Watching the two of you... the reality of my situation became all too clear.  You weren’t mine.  You were engaged to another man and whatever I felt was doing nothing to change that...  Anger at that realization played no small part in why I asked her out... “  He shook his head in disgust at the memory.

Pam was cognizant of the world of hurt that they had engendered but hearing him put it into words always managed to still her.

“Jim, I’m sorry.  I don’t know what to say.  I’m so sorry.  For everything.”  She moved closer to him.

“It’s ok.  It was a long time ago.  It wasn’t anybody’s fault.  It was just... shitty timing.”  He offered a lopsided grin that didn’t quite reassure her.

She pulled him to her tightly.  They remained quiet like that.  

“Jim...  What was Stamford like?”

She felt him tense slightly in her embrace.

“Stamford?  Uh, it’s nice.  I’ll take you there sometime.  Show you my old haunts or something,” he tacked lightly.

She tried again.

“Jim, what was it like...  What was it really like,” she softly implored.  

Her stomach knotted in fear as he wrestled out of her arms.

“Pam, I don’t want to talk about this,” he said looking her full in the face.

“Please... I need to know.”

“Why?  What does it matter?”

“It matters to me.”

He rolled over on his back and lay there quietly for a full minute before beginning.

“I left on a Saturday.  It was two days after...Jan arranged for me to start in Stamford on Monday.”  He paused as his face darkened.  “I was fine.  Or as fine as could be expected...  I tried...  Twice...” he said as he looked over at her.

“It was weirdly liberating.  It didn’t work but... you kissed me back.  I had that.  For a second, you were mine.  It was only a second but it was something.  After all that time, I finally had something.  Something that wasn’t just in my head.”  He shook his head at the memory.  “I thought that was enough.  I thought that would help me... go on.”

Pam felt tears in her eyes.  His gaze moved back to the ceiling as though he was watching  a movie screen replaying the events while he narrated from the audience.

“Next thing I knew I was in Stamford at desk with a view of the ocean...  The world didn’t stop so I had to keep going...  I shut down and sold paper.  Lots of paper.  I chased every lead and volunteered for every sales call.  Andy and Karen  thought I was some kind of ambitious suck up out to get ahead at all costs.  Josh was just happy to have so dedicated a salesman on board...  The truth was I was just selling paper so I didn’t have to think about what the hell I was going to do for the rest of my life without you...  Selling paper meant not thinking so that’s what I did.  I sold paper.”  His joyless voice drifted off.

“I tried not to look at the calendar.  I tried not to count the days leading up to June 10th.  I just put one foot in front of the other...  I kept reminding myself that what I wanted didn’t matter.  This was my life now.  I had to do it.  I had to forget you.  You were someone else's.”

The words hung in the air between them..

“It was Phyllis that told me about the wedding.  Oscar, Kevin and Kelly followed but it was Phyllis first.  She sounded excited.  Concerned, yes, but... I don’t know...  I guess I too hoped it meant something but... I just pushed that thought out of my head and kept working...  Days went by and I didn’t hear from you.  Not that I thought I would but...”

“Those days became months...  I eventually found my footing.  Josh took me under his wing.  Sometimes we would go to bars after work.  Andy liked to invite himself...  It was weird.  On those nights, I was acting normal.  I acted like nothing was wrong...  I was a salesman at a bar with his boss and co-worker.  We would have a few drinks and watch Andy get shot down trying to pick up some girl he was convinced was into him...  On the surface, I was normal.  I was just like every other person in there...  It was the lie I learned to live with.  It was easy since it was similar to the lie I lived with in Scranton...” 

She lay there facing him frozen in place.  She was afraid to move.  Afraid to speak.  His eyes never left the ceiling.

“So I was normal.  The lie was like an old friend.  The comfort it gave me kept me going...  I almost learned to believe it.  Almost.”

“It’s funny, by late September, Scranton seemed like a dream.  When I heard that Michael was going to be in Philadelphia for the sales convention, I was almost happy at the thought of seeing him.  Like I could test the new me to see how far I’d come...  Needless to say, I hadn’t come very far...  The moment Michael wished you luck on your date was the moment I realized time was going forward...  You were going forward... but I wasn’t.... “

“Later that night in his hotel room I actually told him why I left...  I told him I put it all on the line... and you said no...  twice... “

“I’ll never understand how Michael Scott always ends up being the person I tell the things I never say to anyone else.”  He paused to consider the realization before smirking at the whole of it. “You know your life is heading in the wrong direction when your closest confidant is Michael Scott,” he said letting out a small laugh.

It was with that laugh that Pam felt the dam of emotions inside break.  There were no words for what she felt.  It was a mix of sadness, fear, disappointment, anger, regret,  embarrassment, guilt but it was tempered by relief and need.  The need to stop for a moment.  To remember that this was the past.  It was an unchangeable reality but it was over.  Whatever happened then didn’t matter now as long as they were together.

The sum of these thoughts released from her as a sob.  Jim’s distant gaze unlocked as he turned his body toward her and enveloped her into him.  She continued to cry as he held her close to his chest.

After some time he spoke.

“We don’t have to do this...  It’s the past...  It doesn’t matter to me anymore.  We’re here now.  Why don’t we get cleaned up and go have lunch.”

“No, Jim, I want to do this.  I want to know.  I know it doesn’t matter but I want to know.”

She felt his arms tighten protectively around her.

“I came back from the convention with my resolve renewed.  Thinking you were dating meant it was over.  It was really over.  There could be no more secret hopes.  That was it.”

“Karen had always just been the girl in the desk behind me.  She didn’t seem to like me and that was great because the last thing I needed was to rebound with a co-worker.  The impression she formed of me had been laughably incorrect.  I was not a go-getter out to succeed at any cost but she was convinced I was so we never connected.”

“It wasn’t like I was interested in her.  I was just being nice at first.  I had made a lousy first impression and had done nothing but reinforce it for the last few months...  Maybe I was lonely and just looking for a friend...  Whatever it was, I relaxed my boundaries a little.  She was nice and seemed receptive if a little wary.  We started joking around more but it was fairly innocent.  Nothing happened until we had to stay late at work one night to do order form consolidation.  Andy brought Jagermeister and Beesly, you know how I am about peer pressure.  If the cool kids are doing it... well I’m just an ‘After School Special’ waiting to happen.”

Pam smiled into his chest.

“So by the end of the night I was drunk.  She gave me a ride home...  It was a week or so after I accidently talked to you when I was calling for Kevin about Fantasy Football.  I wasn’t thinking straight.  She helped me to my door...  I was leaning against the railing on the stairs.  My eyes were closed.  She came close...  I’m sorry to say this but I imagined it was you...  I kissed Karen and imagined it was you...”  His voice broke slightly for the first time.  “Jesus, how’s that for screwed up.”

He cleared his throat.  She could feel him trying to regather his thoughts.  Feeling more secure, she leaned up and kissed him lightly.  His eyes were sad but firm with resolve.  She snuggled back into his arms so he could continue. 

“The next day I apologized.  I must have apologized too much because her smile faltered a little.  I felt guilty.  Even more so when I saw her try to hide her disappointment.  I knew that feeling well.  It cut me when it happened...  It put a chill on our friendship.  We were still friendly but...”

Pam felt his body stiffen slightly.  She knew what was coming.

“Soon after that we found out the branch was closing.  I couldn’t believe that I might be going back to Scranton...  I wasn’t ready to face it... to face you...  Kissing Karen that night proved that I was still lost.  My heart wanted to go back to Scranton even if it meant... just friendship.  My head knew better.  It knew I was doomed if I went back...  Karen and I talked.  I told her I wasn’t sure about going.  She said she was considering it.  I said something about New York being a better choice for her and I saw that same punched-in-the-gut look of disappointment again...  I never should have done it.  I should have let it go but... I couldn’t come back alone.  I couldn’t face you...  For all I knew you were happily dating someone and I knew I couldn’t see that alone so...  I told Karen I was going to Scranton and that I thought she should do the same.  I was a coward and a fool but I couldn’t help myself.  Or I didn’t trust myself.”

“There were a million reasons not to go back.  I should have quit.  I should have taken the first job I could find that would have led me anywhere other than Scranton.  It was a terrible idea to go back and I knew it.  But I did it anyway.  I lied to myself that it was the right move... that it was the right promotion... that she was the right girl...  and that I was a new person...  All of those lies covered the simple truth that, in spite of everything, I wanted to see you again.”

“It’s not like I didn’t like Karen.  In another life... yeah.  She’s a lot of things anybody would be proud to be or be with but... she wasn’t you.  It was a simple equation that added up to nothing.”

“The rest you know too well... I don’t have any good excuses for what happened.  How we got here was painful and messy.   I will never forget that.  I will never forget how lucky I am to be with you.”

“Sitting in David Wallace’s office that day, I was staring into the face of a new life...  A life in New York...  A life with Karen...  The only problem was it wasn’t the life I wanted.”  He marveled at the memory.  “I never wanted a life without you.”

“It’s my heart Pam. And it only fits with yours.”

Pam was sitting on Jim’s couch riding a train of thought when she heard a key turn the lock on his door.

She froze as the door opened.  “Jim?”

“Pam?”

She felt a quick wave of disappointment wash over her.  Jim’s old roommate Mark stood in the doorway holding a grocery bag and a six pack of beer.  He looked surprised to see her. 

“Hey, Mark,” she said as she rose off the couch to give him a hug.  “How are you?” she asked releasing him from the hug.

“I’m good.  Sorry if I scared you.  I used the spare key Jim keeps hidden outside. I thought he was in New York tonight?”

“He is.  I was just, uh.... I forgot something over here and was...” she gestured nervously as words failed her.  “How’s Lisa?”

Mark rolled his eyes.  “Mean as ever.  She kicked me out tonight.  She has an early shift at the hospital so she went to bed.  She said I make too much noise.  Man, I wish someone could tell me why I got engaged to her.  She’s going to treat me bad for the rest of my life.  I should have stayed single,” he concluded in frustration.

Pam just laughed.  She really liked Mark.  He had a personality like a large friendly dog.  He was loud and easily excitable but was sweet natured.  He and Jim had an easy rapport and a long history of being friends.  His fiance Lisa did her best to keep him in line.  Lisa was a straight shooter with a quick wit which she often employed to keep Mark and Jim in line when they get too boisterous.  Pam had really come to enjoy spending time with them.

“Anyway,” he continued, “since Scranton’s answer to the ‘Wicked Witch of the East’ kicked me out, I went to my favorite take-out spot and loaded up,” he said as he lifted the beer and the paper bag of food high in the air.  “I was planning on sitting in my friend’s empty apartment and watch as the Sixers smoke the Lakers while I feasted.  I wasn’t planning on finding the love of his life sitting on his couch though...  Hmm, if I offer to split the food and beer with you, will you let me stay?” he asked expectantly.

Pam smiled.  “Sure.”

“Even if I yell at the tv?”

“Even if you yell at the tv.”

He looked genuinely impressed.  “Jim was right about you.  You are amazing.”

Pam tried to stifle her grin at the compliment.  She wandered into the kitchen and came back out with plates and silverware as Mark busied himself with opening the cartons of food.  He wasn’t Jim but having someone to eat dinner with was nice.

“So how’s he doing in New York?  He’s not going to try and leave us again is he?”

“No, it’s just something at corporate that Ryan put together.”

“I still can’t believe that weasel Ryan got a job in New York.  My friend Kathy knows him and says he’s become an ass since he moved there.  He’s too cool for us Scrantonites now.  Whatever...” he said as he handed Pam an open beer and placed himself on the floor in front of the tv with a full plate of food.  “It’s a good thing Jim came to his senses and dumped that frosty bitch and didn’t take that job.  I would have had to slap him upside the head if he went all New Yawk on me,” Mark concluded shoving an overstuffed fork into his mouth.

Pam was laughing.  “So, I guess you didn’t like Karen, huh?”

“Yeah, you think?  Man, she was a drag.  I don’t know what the hell he was thinking.  He came back from Stamford all weird and shit.  He wasn’t Jim.  He was like some ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’ version of Jim.”

She couldn’t disagree with that one.

“I mean, Karen was nice I guess but she wasn’t his type.  It didn’t make sense.  I don’t think she ever got to really know Jim.  She just seemed to pour her ideas who he should be into him and he was too screwed up to care.  She just wore him down until he agreed with whatever she wanted.  Scarily, it seemed to be working near the end.  Did you see what she made him do with his hair?  What the hell was that all about?” he laughed in amazement.  “So yeah, definitely not the type of girl Jim likes.”

“What kind of girl does Jim like?” Pam questioned amused at being able to get a different perspective on Jim and his taste.

“Well... you.”

“Me?  What kind of girl am I?”

“I don’t know exactly, but whatever it is or whatever you are, it’s what Jim likes.”

Mark took a long pull on his beer before continuing.

“He was always strange with girls.  His girlfriends were always hot but he just never seemed that into them.  If you didn’t know Jim that well, you wouldn’t know it.  It wasn’t like he was rude to them or disinterested in what they had to say.  He did that charming crap he does so well that made them all swoon but it was like he was just going through the motions.  His heart never seemed into it.”

Mark stopped and seemed to search for the right explanation.

“You know how when Jim gets excited about something he really lights up?  Yeah, that.  I never saw him do that over a girl until he started working with you.  The only problem was you were with that Roger guy-”

“Roy,” Pam corrected him.  “I was engaged to Roy,” she stated reflexively in a tone almost dazed from the memory.

“Yeah right, Roy.  Anyway that whole situation, man did it screw him up.  I never saw anyone have that affect on him.  It was messed up....  I guess I understand.  I mean if Lisa had been with some other dude when I met her... I’d probably be at home and happy now,” he proclaimed sarcastically.

Pam just rolled her eyes at him and shook her head.

“I know.  I’m just kidding.  Oh hey, the game is starting.”  Mark grabbed the remote and let loose a torrent of expletives aimed directly at Kobe Bryant.  “Sorry, I really hate that guy.”

Mark busied himself with formulating insults while Pam picked at her food and tried to ignore the voice growing in her head that wanted an answer to the question, “Why Roy?”

The simple answer remained, “Because I never knew there could be Jim.”  

For nine years, she loved a different man.  She lived a different life.  She had different dreams.  She sat on a different couch in a different apartment.  This world didn’t exist then.  This happiness didn’t exist then.  This future didn’t exist then.

These thoughts and others like it still occurred from time to time.  Pam knew she wasn’t alone in thinking them.  There had been a few times in the darkness of the middle of the night when she felt Jim’s tentative hand from the other side of the bed search her out.  It roused her out of sleep as it sought confirmation of her presence.  She didn’t mind.  It was nice to feel so loved.  She would reassuringly grab the hand and pull him close to her.  She would stay awake until she felt his body slacken against her and his breathing go shallow again.  It was in moments like that she felt powerful and special.  It was also in those moments when she realized how different her life could have been.

There wasn’t any one defining moment where her feelings for Roy ceased.  It was a long, slow process that she chose not to notice.  It was a death by a thousand cuts.  It happened every time he carelessly humiliated her or demeaned her dreams with a dismissive comment.  With every slight, marrying Roy became more of a goal and less an affirmation of love.  

She had somehow come to believe that the commitment of marriage would force him to grow up and be a better man.  The kind of man she deserved.  She had come to pin all of her hopes on this one event.  It was to be a catharsis that would reset the emotional boundaries between them as it wiped the slate clean.  It was an act to justify all of her waiting and suffering.  It had to work... because if it didn’t... then what?

Looking back on it now, she just felt sad.  Sad at the lost time.  Sad for the wasted years.  Sad because of where she could be now with herself.  Sad because of where she could be with Jim.  

Maybe they would be in New York with fancy jobs and sophisticated friends.  Maybe still in Scranton with a house and children.  Maybe she would be an art teacher or work in graphic design.  Maybe still just a receptionist but a very happy receptionist.  Maybe they would have lived in Philadelphia.  Maybe Jim would have pursued the dreams he hid instead of having to wait at his desk for her to realize the truth.  Maybe their future would already be here.

It wasn’t that she was in a hurry.  It was just that there were so many things she wanted to share and experience with him.  Sometimes it seemed it was going to take more than a lifetime to fit them all in.  Realizing how right all of this was only served to remind her how wrong she had once been.

Pam heard a voice.  “Hm, what?” she responded as she disembarked from her revery.

“I asked if you wanted another beer,” Mark’s voice came from the kitchen.

“Um, no, I’m good.”

“Damn.  If I drink all these, Lisa is gonna kill me.  She’s like a human breathalyzer.  She can tell how many I’ve had from ten feet away.  If she thinks I’m drunk, she’ll make me sleep on the couch.  And it’s not a nice couch like Jim’s.  It’s a terrible couch.  I’m pretty sure she bought it in Guantanamo Bay from the CIA”

“Jesus, it’s like living with the fun police.” He groaned exiting the kitchen.  “Do you think it’s too late to call the wedding?  How do you do that?  Do you get  a refund?” Mark asked.

Pam felt the color drain from her face as she shifted nervously while searching for her mental armor.

Mark noticed immediately.  “Oh hey, I’m sorry.  I totally forgot.  I was just running my mouth.  I wasn’t really asking.”  His eyes were wide in embarrassment.

Pam recovered quickly.  “It’s ok.  I know,” she tried to reassure him.  “It just caught me off guard for a second.  I know you’re just kidding...  It’s ok.  Really.  I promise.”

He stood there like a deer in the headlights.  Pam decided to use humor to unroot him.

“Well, since you asked, the answer is yes.  You can get your money back for everything but the food so be prepared to eat chicken or fish for every meal for months.  Oh, and be prepared to have Lisa’s parents call you a whore.”

His mouth fell open.  “Really?  His parents called you that?  Those bastards!” he practically shouted in fury.

“Mark, I’m kidding.”

He looked skeptical but forced a smile.  “Funny,” he said sitting back down.  “Seriously though, I was just joking around.  Sometimes I forget that you and Jim weren’t born attached at the hip.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Silence filled the room for a moment as both their eyes locked uncomfortably on the tv screen.

Pam spoke to lighten the mood.

“So what is with you and Jim about Kobe Bryant?  Did he run over your dog or something?”

Mark then proceeded to entertainingly rant on all things Kobe Bryant for twenty minutes.  He stopped occasionally to rant at the Sixers for trailing the Lakers tonight and letting Kobe Bryant score so many points.  His despair over the game only fueled his fury.  Then his cell phone rang.

“Hey, I thought you went to bed... I’m at Jim’s place watching the game...  Yeah, he is.  Pam’s here though...  Yep...  No, I’m not bothering her...  Yes, I’m sure...  She said it was ok if I yelled...  Lisa, c’mon...  The game’s not over...  But you sleep better when I’m not there...  I’ve only had two, Mom...  Fine...  I said fine...  Yes, I’ll leave now...  Ok...  Ok...  Yeah, I guess...  I won’t forget...  No I’m not saying it....  Cause Pam’s here and she’ll probably throw up...  I...  I...  Fine.  I love you too.  Are you happy now?  Pam looks like she’s going to puke...   Ugh, whatever...  See you in a minute.”  Mark snapped his phone shut and looked sheepish.

“So I guess I have to go.  Lisa said she’s going to call you next week about having lunch with her.  She also said something about another poker night which I’m against since you took all of our money last time.”

“Yeah, that was awesome,” Pam registered gleefully.  “I cleaned you two out.”

“Well, we got a wedding to pay for so I’d appreciate if you take it easy on us this time.”  Mark put his jacket on and started gathering the leftover food.  “I’ll stick this stuff in the fridge since I know Jim loves leftovers.  I’ll leave you the beer too.  When you talk to him, remind him there’s a pickup game Sunday at the Y and I expect ‘Hoops’ Halpert to grace us with his presence.”

“’Hoops’ Halpert?!?” Pam repeated surprised and more than a little entertained at learning a new nickname for Jim.

“Hell yeah!  That’s what we called him in high school.  He was the king of the basketball court.  The team would have sucked without him.  He was the star of the school during basketball season...  You didn’t know that?”

“He told me played basketball in high school but he never told me he was a star!”

“Figures.  He’s too modest for his own good.  Be sure to tease him about.”

“Oh, I will.”




“Ugh, hang on.”

Pam put down her cell phone and wrestled with Jim’s comforter.  She was trying to seal off her body from the cold of his bedroom.  She had given up on the idea of going home to her empty apartment over an hour ago when she found her back up glasses in one of the drawers she kept her overnight clothes in.  Soon after, Jim called and it sealed her decision to stay.

“Ok, I’m back.  I wish you were here.  My feet are freezing.  If you were here I could warm them up on you.”

“Just one of the many services I can provide,” Jim confidently responded.

“And the one I’m missing the most right now...  So you were bragging about scoring us invites to the David Wallace Christmas party.  Continue...”

“Yes.  It’s on Wednesday the 19th at his house.  I was thinking we could spend a night or two in the city.  Maybe make up for the beet farm fiasco.”

“You know my feelings on the beet farm but yeah that sounds great.  I haven’t been to New York at Christmas time since I was little.  Ooh, we can go shopping,” Pam excitedly observed.

“I was thinking a late night carriage ride around Central Park but shopping is good too.”

“Mr. Halpert, are you going try and seduce me?”

“Me?  Never...  Why?  Would it work?”

“Maybe...  Yes,” Pam said and felt herself blush scarlet.  It was funny how he could still get her to blush even after everything.

“Wow, ok” he replied and she knew he was blushing just as hard as she was.

“God, I wish you were here,” she let slip out of her mouth.

He pounced immediately.  “Because you miss me?”

The answer was of course yes but she’d come to enjoy teasingly denying that she missed him.

“No, I told you my feet are cold.  And you put my favorite glass on that shelf in the kitchen I can’t reach.  If you were here, I wouldn’t have to climb on a stool to reach it.”

“Damn Beesly, you are quick.”

“That’s what she said,” she excitedly rejoined.

They both laughed.

“Yeah, you got me,” he conceded.

“It wasn’t hard,” she replied and immediately realized she had stepped into a trap.

“Right back at you,” he smugly pointed out.

“Lame, Jim, lame.”

“Hey, that was good,” he defended.

“Fine, whatever,” she mockingly observed.  “Tell me more about your night.”

“After dinner, Ryan took a bunch of us to some club for drinks  We met up with some Wall Street types he knows.  He spent the night talking nonstop about New York and its greatness.  Not much else to tell.  The Wall Street guys seemed impressed that we were going to ring the opening bell at the stock exchange tomorrow morning.”

“Oh, I forgot.  It’s your network debut.  Michael is having us gather in the conference room so  we watch it on CNBC.”

“That should be interesting.  Ryan is going to be interviewed live afterward.  Hopefully, this will make the fifteen shares of Dunder Mifflin stock I was given as a bonus a few years ago worth more than a night at Dwight’s.”

“There you go again knocking the beet farm.”

“Yeah well... You know if Dunder Mifflin Infinity fails to save the company, our children are facing a bleak financial future.  They might have to work on the beet farm,” he muttered distractedly.

Pam felt her jaw drop in astonishment.  Children.  Jim just mentioned children.  He said our children.  She felt her brain start to swim.

It wasn’t like she hadn’t thought of children.  There were quiet moments where she would look at him and imagine what physical traits of his their children would inherit from him.  His height or maybe his eyes.  His smile.  Definitely his smile.  But to date, the idea had remained a secret wish that was never spoken.

Jim was still talking in a low tired voice about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and its paradoxical role of saving the company but Pam couldn’t make out word one.  Her eyes were filling with tears.  The thought of children, their children, made her swell with happiness.  She really was going to have it all.

“... I’m probably boring you with all this talk.  I’m boring myself that’s for sure,” he concluded.

She spoke through her tears.  “No, Jim.  It’s perfect.”

He paused.  “Are you ok?  You sound strange?”

She felt herself choking up again.  “I’m fine...  I’m perfect... You’re perfect.”

She heard him laugh nervously trying to dodge the compliment.  “Uh, I don’t know about that.”

“I love you, Jim Halpert.  You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me,” she said wiping her eyes and unable to stop smiling.

“... I’m sorry did I just miss something?” he asked confused.  “Cause I’m pretty sure I was just boring the pants off you by talking about Dunder Mifflin Infinity.  I’m not quite sure how that could provoke such a reaction.”

Pam rolled onto her side and pulled the comforter tighter around her.  “Yes, but you also don’t understand how I could love the beet farm.”

“True.  I guess there are somethings about you Beesly I just don’t get.”

“No, you do.  Sometimes you just don’t realize it.”

“Yeah, well...  I love you too, you know.”

“I know.”

She ran her hand over stomach and felt the future glow deep inside her.

“Now that we've covered that,” she stated mischievously, “I want to know more about ‘Hoops’ Halpert, the star of the high school basketball team.”

“Didn’t we talk about this a few minutes ago?”

“Yes, but I’m intrigued.  I had know idea I was dating a star athlete!  Did they retire your number?  Do we get a discount at local sports bars?  Cause you know how I like cheese fries.”

“I told you Pam, ‘Hoops’ Halpert was just a boy from neither side of the tracks who overcame modest odds to win an occasional high school basketball game.  There was agony.  There was ecstasy.  There was acne.”

“Gross.”

“There were sweaty locker rooms-”

“Hey, now we’re talking.  Let’s hear more about sweaty boy’s locker rooms.  Was there showering?  Was there towel snapping?”

The conversation continued on like this while the minutes melted off the clock.

“...  It was six months ago.  I got it on the way home from a sales call.  I  stopped at a truck stop outside East Stroudsburg.  It was next to the cash register.  I had never heard of a whistle tip.  I bought it on a whim.  I can’t believe he didn’t notice it until today.  I mean, I know he likes his music loud but still...”

“He was not pleased.  I think he referred to you as a juvenile.”

“He’s called me worse.”

Pam could tell Jim was tired but would never admit it.  She didn’t want to stop talking but she knew he wouldn’t hang up first.

“It’s getting late isn’t it?” she tried gently.

“Yeah, I guess it is.  I’m pretty tired from spending the day being taught how to use the website.  I now know how to teach my clients how to put the paper in the little shopping cart,” he stated depleted at the thought.

“Only one more day and then you’re home,” she reassured him and herself.

“Thank God.  Where are you and your Mom going for dinner tomorrow?”

“Probably the new Italian place.  She keeps hearing me talk about it so she wants to try it.”

She felt the air in the conversation change and she knew he was smiling.

“Good choice,” he said chuckling with a hint of embarrassment.  “I’m sure she’ll like it.”

“I’m sure she’ll love it,” she said closing her eyes and feeling warm all over.

“One more day,” he sighed.

“One more day,” she returned.  “Talk to you tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow, yeah.”

“Goodnight, Jim.”

“Goodnight, Pam.”

She pushed the end call button and spoke to the empty bedroom.

“I miss you.”