August, 2005

Back when I was seventeen, I used to live in Scranton…actually, I guess I lived there all my life up until that point…but that summer, I was embarking on a new adventure: college. I was accepted into the University of Colorado at Boulder. I figured, hell, my parents are going to move to Oregon (the pops got a job at Intel), I might as well go somewhere new where I can start all over. I’m not saying my life in Scranton was bad…it’s been great, but there comes a time in a young man’s life where he needs some change. And it’s not like I’m never going to come back to Scranton…my older brother Tom still lives here…plus, I got all my friends.

Speaking of my friends, at the moment, I’m in the car with my friend Michael. He wanted to go bowling with some girl that he had just met, and of course, he needed me as a third wheel. It’s funny how I became friends with Michael. He worked with me at Staples, and at first, he was quite possibly the most annoying guy I’ve ever met. He was a couple of years older than me, but for some reason, we became good friends. You know how sometimes you can’t really explain why you’re friends with someone? That’s how I feel about Michael. But in the end, no matter how annoying he is, he’s a good guy. Very immature, but still, he was a good guy.

“Oh, Holly’s bringing a friend,” Michael said when we pulled in the parking lot at the bowling alley.

“Is she bringing another dude?” I asked, remembering how his old crush Jan brought along some guy named Hunter on one of their first dates.

“I hope not,” Michael said, stepping out of the car. “All right, Jimbo…make me look good, buddy.”

“I’ll try,” I replied.

Michael and I waited in the parking lot for about ten minutes. For a Saturday night in August, the bowling alley was pretty empty. The other kids were probably out drinking or something…

“Oh, there’s her car!” Michael exclaimed, standing on his tiptoes and squinting his eyes. “And I think that’s a girl with her…or it might be a guy with really curly hair…”

I looked over in the direction that Michael was looking out at, and I saw a blue Toyota pulling into the parking lot. The girl that was driving was pretty cute, I guess. But then I looked over at the passenger side, and I saw her friend. Even through the dark tint of the windows, and the dark of the night, I could tell that the other girl was beautiful. Michael was waving to the car, and Holly parked her car right next to Michael’s Sebring, which he thought was the coolest thing in the world…it really wasn’t though.

“Hey,” Michael said, opening the door for Holly.

“Hi,” Holly said shyly, she looked over at me, and gave me a slight wave. “Hi.”

“Hey,” I said, holding out my hand, “I’m Jim.”

“I’m Holly,” she said, and she nodded to her friend who had just stepped out of the car. “This is my friend Pam.”

I always thought it was silly whenever I would watch those chick flicks where some guy finally meets the girl of his dreams, and there are all those slow motion effects. I always thought, “Yeah, like that ever happens,” but when I saw Pam stepping out of Holly’s car, that happened. In fact, the best scene to describe that moment was in Big Fish. You know, the part where Ewan McGregor meets the girl of his dreams at the circus, and time stopped? That’s pretty much what it was like. Everything around me became dark, and Pam was the light. She was the only thing in sight: her curly auburn hair shining in the moonlight, her light skin radiating, the way her shirt wasn’t too big or too small, it was perfect, showing off her curves, and the thing that impressed me most about her was her smile. I promise you that if you ever saw Pam smile, you will be guaranteed to smile back. That smile was so contagious, it was heartbreaking. Michael would tell you that only a couple of seconds have passed, but I’m pretty sure I stood there gawking at Pam for hours.

“Hey,” Pam smiled, holding out her hand. “I’m Pam.”

“Uh…” I stammered, quickly taking her hand. “Jim…it’s good to meet you.”

“You too,” Pam replied, and she gave out a giggle. “I’m gonna need that hand back.”

“Oh!” I quickly pulled my hand from hers. “Sorry…”

God, please have Michael do something really dumb right about now… I thought. And lo and behold, Michael pretty much saved my life with:

“Tell me, are you real, or are you a Holly-gram?”

To my surprise, Holly giggled.

“Oh, that’s a good one,” she said, laughing harder as Michael pretended that his hand was going through her. Pam gave me a look, and I just raised an eyebrow, and mouthed, “Wow!” to her. She giggled, and I remember that because it was the first time I made her giggle.

Later, we walked into the bowling alley, got our shoes, and walked over to our lane. Michael and Holly kept cracking jokes such as this: Holly grabbed two bowling balls and held them to her crotch, and cried out, “Man, my balls are heavy!” I had to admit, it was pretty funny, but at the same time, it was awkward.

“So how did you and Holly become friends?” I asked Pam, who was laughing at Holly.

“Oh, she works over at Heart to Art where I go to get supplies,” Pam replied. “I go in there like every other day, and we just became friends…”

“Oh, you’re into art?”

“Yeah, most def…what are you into?”

“Professional wrestling,” I joked in a deep voice as Pam giggled. “No, but seriously…I guess I like sports…and music. I can play basketball, but I can’t carry a tune to save my life.”

Just then, we heard a loud crashing noise, and Michael screaming, “Ow! God!” Michael’s ball had gotten caught on his thumb. I looked over at Pam, and she just shrugged.

“So what kind of music are you into?” Pam asked as if nothing had happened.

“All kinds,” I replied, looking over at Michael to make sure he was okay, but Holly was taking care of him. I could distinctly hear Holly saying, “Where does it hurt?” and Michael replying, “Right here.” I watched as Holly kissed Michael’s thumb, and even with the cosmic lights going off in the bowling alley, Michael’s face had turned beet red.

“That’s real specific…come on, Jim, name some bands you like,” Pam urged.

“Interpol, Radiohead, Travis, Modest Mouse, you can’t go wrong with Death Cab, Damien Rice, Elliott Smith, old school Green Day, Beastie Boys, Arcade Fire…and my all time favorite, Coheed and Cambria,” I listed.

“Wow…you like Coheed?” Pam asked with a disgusted voice. I shrugged.

“What’s wrong with them?”

“The lead singer sounds like a girl…”

“Okay, besides that, name three things that are wrong with them,” I challenged. Pam thought about it for a moment, and she just smiled at me and shrugged. “Exactly,” I said, smiling…

“Jimbo! You’re up!” Michael called.

“All right,” I said, and I turned to Pam. “While I’m out there kicking those pins’ asses, you should think about what kind of music you like.”

Pam replied by grinning, and nodding. I went up to grab a ball, I lined up my shot, and…gutter ball. Michael laughed, Holly gave me a thumbs up, and Pam just grinned up at me. I just shrugged, and went again…I knocked down one pin.

“Wow, you should go pro,” Pam teased when I sat back down next to her.

“Yeah, it hurts to be this good,” I replied, smiling. “So what did you come up with?”

Pam twisted her face in mock concentration, and brought a hand up to her chin.

“Well, I really like Hanson, Backstreet Boys, N Sync…Good Charlotte, Simple Plan…” Pam laughed. “Actually, I’m into the old stuff…Led Zeppelin, Cream, The Who, Pink Floyd, Hendrix, Metallica, and Iron Maiden…”

“Wow, you’re a bad ass,” I laughed.

“I was raised on that stuff…”

“You were raised on bad ass? What’s that like?”

“You know…it’s pretty cool, I mean, what can I say?” Pam smiled. I laughed.

“So you’re not into any newer stuff?”

“Well, I like Dashboard Confessional, Taking Back Sunday, and Brand New a lot,” Pam replied.

“Brand New is freaking awesome…”

“I concur, sir,” Pam laughed.

After an hour of teasing each other about our awesome bowling skills, talking about music, and watching Michael and Holly dancing to “Toxic” by Britney Spears, we were out in the parking lot, trying to decide what to do. It was 9:00 in Scranton, and nearly everything was closed.

“Do you have a curfew, Jim?” Holly asked, “Because Pam’s spending the night at my place, so she doesn’t have to get home anytime soon, so…”

“No, I don’t,” I said. “I could tell my parents that I’m crashing over at Michael’s house…”

“Then how about a road trip?” Michael suggested. “To New York?”

“I’m down,” Holly said, looking over at Pam who was staring at me.

“Yeah, sure…Jim?” Pam asked.

“Sure…”

So I let Michael and Holly playfully argue about who should drive while I called my parents. I told them that I would be sleeping over at Michael’s and that I’d be back in the afternoon tomorrow. I still had some packing to do, but…oh well.

“Is everything cool?” Pam asked when I got off the phone with my parents. I nodded.

“Yeah, my parents just kinda nagged me about packing, but yeah, it’s cool,” I replied. I looked over at Michael who was pouting. “What’s wrong with him?”

“Oh, I told him that I thought his car wasn’t that cool,” Pam replied. “And now he hates me…so I guess that’s what I get for being truthful…Wait, what do you need to pack for?”

“My parents are moving, and I’m going to college,” I replied, following Holly and Michael to Holly’s car.

“Where are you going to go?”

“Colorado.”

“That’s pretty random…”

“Yeah, well, I stayed in Scranton all of my life, I kind of wanted a change of scenery…and I love to snowboard, so…” I smiled.

“Where are your parents going to move?”

“Portland, Oregon,” I replied. “My dad just got a job at Intel…”

“Oh, so…this is like your last week in Scranton?” Pam asked. Her voice was kind of filled with disappointment.

“My older brother’s still going to live here, so I’ll probably visit him every once in awhile,” I replied.

*****

We drove for about two and a half hours to New York. During the drive, Pam fell asleep on my shoulder, and eventually, I fell asleep. Michael and Holly were both joking around in the front seats of the car. When we got to New York, Michael shook us awake. We stopped by a diner to get some coffee, and then we walked around Times Square. Michael and Holly were walking ahead of Pam and me. They were holding hands, and when I looked over at Pam, she was smiling.

“What?” I asked.

“Holly’s met her soul mate, I think…she usually has terrible luck with guys,” Pam said, still smiling over at the new couple.

“Yeah, same with Michael…good for them, right?”

“Yeah…” Pam sighed. After a couple minutes, she started rubbing her arms.

“Here,” I offered her my sweater.

“Thanks,” Pam said, “It smells good.”

I felt myself blushing, and smiled. “Thanks.”

“So…are you nervous?” Pam asked.

“About what?”

“College…you’re gonna be in a new town and stuff…”

“Oh, yeah…I’m pretty nervous, but it’s an adventure, right?”

“Definitely…I can’t wait till I graduate…”

“What grade are you in?”

“I’m going to be a senior this year,” she replied.

“Nice…hey, I think we should keep in touch,” I blurted out. “You know, we can hang out whenever I come visit my brother…”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” she smiled, and she held out her hand. “Give me your phone.”

She took my phone, and typed in her number, and called her own phone with mine. Then she texted me her Myspace URL.

“We can’t be real friends unless we’re friends through Myspace,” she smiled, handing my phone back to me.

“That’s true…”

“And you better keep in touch!”

“Oh, I definitely will…” I promised. Pam held up her pinky, and I linked mine around hers. She smiled, and just then Holly and Michael turned around.

“Hey, guys!” Holly called, “Do you think we should just crash here tonight?”

Holly was pointing to a Best Western Hotel. I looked over at Pam who just shrugged.

“We’re pretty tired,” Holly explained, “I don’t think I can drive back to Scranton…”

“Um…okay, why not?” I shrugged.

*****

It’s not everyday where a young man can say that he met a beautiful girl, and slept with her within six hours of meeting, but I can proudly say that I did. No, you pervs, I didn’t sleep with Pam in the dirty way, we just fell asleep together. It’s funny how that happened. We talked more about music that we were into, I let her listen to my iPod, she asked me to make her a mix, then Michael got a room with two queen sized beds. Michael and Holly shared a bed, and Pam and I shared a bed…we spent the rest of the night (I guess it was the morning) listening to my iPod till the battery died. Oh, did I mention? We were holding hands. You're pretty jealous, right?

“You never told me if you were going to make me a mix or not,” Pam said sleepily.

“Absolutely, I will…” I replied, but she fell asleep.

And then it was over…we got back to Scranton the next afternoon. Pam had to go visit her grandparents in Philadelphia, and I had to help my parents with the packing. I never forgot to make Pam that mix. I remember visiting Holly at Heart to Art, and asking her to give the CD to Pam.

There comes a time in a young man’s life when he gets his heartbroken. Usually, it’s because of rejection, but for me, it was because of regret…

------Original Message------
From: Pam BeesKnees
Date: Aug 28, 2005 11:32 AM

What, are you to cool to message me or something? Gosh, I thought we were friends…

But seriously, thank you for that mix! I’m sorry that we couldn’t hang out again before you left…had to hang with the grandparents, you know how that goes, right? But I really love that mix! You have good taste for such an emo kid…

But you better write me back, butt face!

------Original Message-----
From: Jimburger Halper
Date: Aug 30, 2005 7:32 PM

Hey! Sorry it took me awhile to get back to you, buying books is a son of a bitch, plus I gotta go around campus and scope for some hot females, you know? Haha…But anyway, I’m sorry I didn’t write you, my dorm had some T1 crash or something…I’m not exactly sure what, but my roommate ranted about it for about a year…I guess it was a big deal.

Speaking of my roommate, Beesly, you gotta come up here and meet him. There are no words that do him justice. Just know that he loves to blast Motley Crue and he’s epically awesome at air guitar. The other day, I put his glasses in Jell-O, which I know sounds mean, but this guy deserved it. On our first day, he went through all of my stuff because he said he didn’t want to be roomed with a druggie. And then, he set off the fire alarms…he’s a weird guy.

I’m glad you liked the mix, and excuse me for being in touch with my emotions…lol. It really does suck that we didn’t have a chance to hang out again, because I really had fun hanging out with you that night. Hopefully, we’ll get the chance to see each other again soon…Well, I gotta get my shit together for my first day of classes, so I’ll TTYL!

------Original Message------
From: Pam BeesKnees
Date: Sept 3, 2005 7:32 PM

I hope your classes are going well! I just started school, and I pretty much hate all my classes. But I have good news! This guy that I kind of had a crush on since my freshman year asked me to Homecoming! Pretty cool, right? His name’s Roy and he’s really cute!

I had so much fun hanging out with you too! You’re seriously a great guy, Jim…it sucks that we didn’t meet each other sooner! By the way, Michael and Holly are official now, and they’re so cute! Weird, but cute…

Anyway, I’ll let you go back to your studying, college boy! Oh, your roommate sounds crazy, by the way…

------Original Message------
From: Jimburger Halper
Date: Sept 3, 2005 10:54 PM

Good for you on getting your crush to ask you to Homecoming! I hope you guys have fun! And yeah, Michael’s been messaging me about Holly all the time…I’m happy for the guy. But I’m gonna get to bed, Beasley…big day tomorrow.

*****

I shut my laptop off, and yawned. So Pam had a date to the homecoming, huh? It didn’t bother me as much as you would think it would. I mean, I live like 2000 miles away from her…we’re in completely different time zones. Okay, maybe it did bother me, but there’s nothing I could do about it, right?

I guess you may want to know what happened after I gave Holly Pam’s mix. Well, pretty much, I just helped my parents pack all of our things. Then I hung out with some of my old buddies, actually, we just drank an awful lot. On my last night, I decided to hang out with Michael and Holly. Call me a Boy Scout, but I think drinking is overrated, so we didn’t do much. I think Holly might be a mind reader, because she kept asking me if I felt anything for Pam. But one thing I learned from high school was to never let other girls know who you like, because they can’t keep their mouths shut.

The day that I got into my dorm, some creepy looking kid was sitting on a bed reading Harry Potter. He had beady little eyes, a huge head, and an even huger pair of glasses. His name was Dwight, and within my first five minutes of getting settled in, he ripped open my duffle bag, and pulled everything out. I guess he was looking for drugs, but I remember he tried to throw my apple away.

“I don’t trust you, Halpert,” he had said, tossing my apple into the trashcan.

“Dude, what the hell?” I asked. “I was going to eat that…”

“Right, you mean you were going to use it to get high,” Dwight scoffed.

“Yes, that’s exactly what I was planning on using it for…”

Anyway, that’s how I met Dwight. I got him back later that night though. While he was sleeping, I took his glasses from the nightstand, and put them into some Jell-O mixture. That’ll show him.

So Boulder was actually really nice. There were a lot of good places to eat, and the sunsets were amazing. I’m not going to lie; sometimes I would just sit outside on campus, and watch the sunset. Seriously, I can’t describe to you how amazing those sunsets were…The sun would set right behind the mountains, the sky would turn orange, pink, blue, and purple. It was just amazing. Sometimes I caught myself wishing that I were with a certain someone.

Anyway, by the end of my second week, my brain was fried. I didn’t make any friends yet, and I blame that on Dwight because he pulled the fire alarm to see how long it took for people to respond. It was chaos: people ran out naked from the showers, girls were crying, and at least three people climbed out the windows. The bad thing about Dwight pulling the fire alarm was that everyone knew I was his roommate. I’m quite surprised that Dwight didn’t get kicked out…crazy how the world works, right? I thought about coming up with something to get back at Dwight with, but the only ideas that came to my head would get me arrested.

So thanks to Dwight, no one on my floor would talk to me. On that Saturday, my birthday, I decided to go out and buy a pack of cigarettes and some lottery tickets. Come on, I just turned eighteen; everyone’s gotta buy a pack of cigarettes on their eighteenth birthday. I did contemplate on whether I should purchase a Playboy magazine, but I decided against it. After that, I walked around The Hill to look for a place to eat. I lit a cigarette, and immediately I started coughing my lungs out. Good game, Jim…way to waste four bucks on something nasty when you could have spent that four bucks on a week’s supply of Top Ramen.

“Hey, can I bum a smoke?” I turned around, and I saw a pretty cute girl smiling at me. I nodded, and I handed her a cigarette. “Thanks,” she said.

“No problem,” I replied, and I started to walk off.

“Hey!” I turned around, and the girl walked towards me. “You’re in my Pysch class, right? Costa…? 9:00?”

“Yeah, I’m in that class…I don’t think I ever seen you though…”

“That’s because you sit in front of me, and it’s impossible to take notes because I can’t see over you,” she smiled.

“It’s not my fault you’re so short,” I teased. She gave me a gentle punch on the shoulder, and laughed. I took another drag from my cigarette, and I tried my hardest not to cough.

“So what do you think of that class?” she asked.

“It’s pretty lame…I just needed a social science credit, and everyone says that Psych is one of the easiest classes, so…”

“Yeah, me too…so what are you majoring in?”

“Journalism…you?”

“Undeclared…”

And then we stood there for a couple of minutes, both taking drags from our cigarettes. I tried to come up with something amusing to say, but nothing came to mind. This girl was pretty cute…She had red hair, a pretty smile, pretty blue eyes...

“So what’s your name?”

“Oh…it’s Jim,” I replied, shaking her hand.

“Katy,” she said, smiling. “So what are you up to tonight? Going to any parties?”

“No…” I replied shamefully, “I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I came here from Pennsylvania, and I don’t really know anyone, so…”

“Oh…I know how that is,” she said. “I came here from Ohio…remember when you were little, and it was so easy to make friends?”

“Yeah,” I laughed. “If only it were that easy now…”

“Yeah…” she agreed. She stomped out her cigarette. “Hey, you want to go get something to eat? I’m starving…”

“Yeah, sure.”

That’s how I met Katy. We started dating a week later…she was a nice enough girl, but we didn’t have a lot in common. She was into movies like Legally Blonde, whereas I liked classics like Annie Hall and Say Anything. She liked Beyonce, and I liked Travis. She liked turkey and cheese, and I liked ham and cheese. But I was lonely…and Katy was a very nice young woman.

*****

Throughout the months, Pam and I would call each other about once a week. She’d tell me about school, and her boyfriend Roy. I never saw Pam as the kind of girl to date a quarterback, but I never saw myself ever dating a cheerleader, so there you go.

“Hey, what does Dwight look like?” Pam asked over the phone.

“Um…really weird,” I replied. “Kind of creepy. Dude, sometimes he sleeps with his eyes open…it scares the bejesus out of me.”

“Take a picture of him!”

“Oh god…”

“Please?”

“Why?”

“I just want to see what he looks like…I want to know if he’s real or not.”

“Trust me, Pam, he’s real. He’s very real…”

“Then take a picture of him!”

“Fine,” I laughed. “Hold on...”

I opened my desk drawer, and pulled out my camera. I turned around to Dwight, who was watching the Battlestar Gallactica Season One on DVD.

“Dwight,” I called, “Look over here…”

“What do you want, Jim?” he asked, turning around. His expression was perfect. He had a stern look on his face, and his eyes were squinting. I quickly took the picture. “What was that for?”

“School paper,” I lied, uploading the picture to my computer. “After I get off the phone, can I ask you about how you feel about campus security?”

“Yes!” he exclaimed, pumping his fist. “I could go on for years about the LACK of security…”

“All right, think about what you want to say, and I’ll get right back to you,” I told Dwight. I heard Pam giggling on the other end of the line.

“Wow…” she sighed.

“Yup…okay, I’m sending you the picture now…”

“I got it! OH MY GOD!” Pam burst into a fit of giggles. “He’s so…oh jeez!”

“I know,” I laughed, stretching back in my chair. Just then, Katy walked into my room.

“Hey, Jimmy!” she exclaimed jumping into my lap, and giving me a kiss.

“I should let you go,” Pam said quickly. “Bye.”

Before I could say bay back, I heard the other end of the line clicking.

“Are you happy to see me?” Katy asked.

“Of course,” I lied, giving her a kiss on her forehead.

*****

The rest of the year went by pretty quickly. I passed all of my classes, I met some new kids, I eventually did join the school newspaper, and I was still dating Katy. For Thanksgiving, I went to visit my brother, but Pam went skiing with Roy at the Poconos. I did see Michael and Holly for awhile…apparently they moved in together…those kids moved pretty fast. For Christmas, I went to Portland to visit my parents. My dad loved his new job, and my mom joined a book club…let me tell you, it was exciting…not really, but let’s just pretend it was. For spring break, Katy and I road tripped to Las Vegas which was terribly boring seeing as we couldn’t do anything.

Then it was my last day of my freshman year. I just finished taking my last final, and I was pretty confident about it. When I went up to my room to finish packing, Dwight was sitting on his bed, his knees clutched to his chest, and his forehead against the wall. I packed my laptop and some USB cords into a box, and I heard a sob.

“You all right, man?” I asked, turning to face Dwight. His face was bright red.

“Mawowefoijalg…” Dwight mumbled into the wall.

“What?” I asked. Dwight reached for his stereo remote, and turned on “Everybody Hurts” by REM. “Come on, Dwight. Use your words!”

I walked over to his stereo, and pressed the power button.

“Fine…” Dwight said, lifting his glasses off of his nose to wipe his eyes. “It’s…do you think we’ll still be friends next semester?”

I was taken aback. I was not expecting that…especially from Dwight, who I thought had hated me for the past year.

“Uh…yeah, man, we’ll definitely hang out,” I replied. “We’ll still be friends…don’t worry.”

After an awkward hug goodbye from Dwight, I walked across campus over to Katy’s dorm. We were going to go to the airport together. For the first month of summer, I was going to visit my parents, and for the last month and a half, I was going to go to go to my brother’s place in Scranton.

“You almost ready?” I asked, knocking on Katy’s open door.

“Yeah,” she replied, smiling. “So do you think your brother will be cool with letting me visit you over the summer?”

“Yeah, I asked him, and he said it was cool,” I said. “There’s not much to do in Scranton, but…”

“We’ll have fun,” she smiled, and then she broke out into a dance. “A-W-E-S-O-M-E awesome awesome is what we are, we’re the awesome—“

“Okay,” I interrupted, pulling her into a hug.

We took the shuttle to the airport, and Katy was clutching my arm the whole way. I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket, and I released my arm from Katy’s grasp. I got a text from Pam.

Hey, Halpert…we better hang out this summer!

I smiled, and replied back, Definitely.

“Who was that?” Katy asked, clutching my arm again. I shook my head.

“Just an old friend,” I replied, smiling out the window.

June-August, 2006

June:

I spent the first month of my summer vacation in Portland. Not a whole lot happened there, I think some senator lady had a meth lab, and got busted. I mostly spent my days going to Barnes and Noble. So in the month of June, I read Slaughterhouse-Five, and the first three Harry Potter books. I guess Dwight did rub off on me, but I’m not gonna lie, Harry Potter is a badass. Random thought, how are wizards in the Harry Potter universe not fat? They keep summoning things with their wands, and making objects fly; you would think that they would just sit on their couch all day and summon food. Oh how boredom makes you think about crazy things. I guess the good thing about going to my parents’ house was my mom’s cooking. After living off Top Ramen and ham and cheese sandwiches for ten months, Mom’s cooking sure does hit the spot.

During my month in Oregon, Katy called me about seven times a day. Did I miss her? Yeah…but did I miss her for the right reasons? To answer that question without making me sound like an ass, I’m going to have to say not really. I mean, I’m a guy…I may be different and more sensitive than a lot of other guys, but I’m still a guy. So in short, I missed Katy for the sex. I’m sorry universe; I’m not a perfect person. But in my defense, Katy would talk about shoes and skirts for hours upon hours…how many shoes and skirts does a girl really need? Then she would end every phone call with an “I love you” to which I reply “Okay…talk to you later.”

*****

July:

I think the worst thing about growing up is change. During my first week of Scranton, I realized just how many things have changed. For example, my brother Tom, who used to be a beer guzzling ex-frat guy, was now a balding father. My friends, who used to be content on just going over to the park to play some pickup basketball or football games, were now borderline alcoholics. As for me, I used to be the guy that would easily make friends (not to brag or anything), but now, I’m the guy who spent the majority of his freshman year of college with a girlfriend that I knew I didn’t have strong feelings for.

I know I like Katy, but I don’t think I like her like her. She was nice, easy to get along with, and she was pretty, but the problem with her was that she was clingy. Also, she was boring. I’m not trying to be mean; I’m just trying to be honest. There’s nothing more frustrating than trying to open up to someone who really doesn’t get you. I mean, I’ll try to tell Katy something, but then she’d interrupt me by doing other things. I guess, and please excuse my French; I was the bitch in the relationship.

I found myself hanging out with Michael a lot more lately. He and Holly had moved in together sometime around November of last year. Michael started working at some place called Dunder Mifflin as a paper salesman. But hanging out with Michael was actually pretty nice. I guess after spending nine months with Dwight, nearly everyone seems normal in comparison.

One night, while I was watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail in Tom’s guestroom, I received a phone call…

“Hello?”

“Well, if it isn’t Mr. Too Cool to call Pam,” Pam teased. “I heard you’ve been in Scranton for over a week, and you didn’t even call me?”

“Oh…uh…I really don’t have an excuse…I guess I’m agoraphobic,” I smiled.

“So does that mean that if we hang out, you’re going to have an anxiety attack?”

“I can make an exception for you, I guess…”

“Good, because I really want to see you!”

Was I smiling? Why, yes I was…how could I not?

“Right…so uh…what do you want to do?” I asked.

“I have this craving for some waffles. Do you want to go to the Glider Diner?”

“Sure…”

“Can you pick me up?” Pam asked sweetly.

“Yeah…um…I need directions…”

Pam gave me the directions to her house, and I bolted out of Tom’s house as fast as I could. I left my car here, since Colorado was so far away, and Tom was nice enough to not sell it. I popped in Neutral Milk Hotel’s “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea” album, and I made a beeline over to Pam’s house. I took a deep breath, and walked up to her porch. Before I could even knock on the front door, it swung open, and Pam was beaming up at me.

“Oh my god, it’s really you!” she squealed, hugging me tightly. “Wow…it feels like it’s been a million years since I saw you…”

“I know, right?” I smiled. I stared down at Pam, who was still beaming up at me, and she was so beautiful. Her hair was straightened, and tied back in a pony tail. “Wow, you look…great…”

“Thanks…” Pam smiled, blushing.

“So…waffles?”

“Yeah.”

I led Pam to my car, and opened the car door for her. We drove towards the diner in silence. Occasionally, we’d glance over at each other and exchange awkward smiles, but so far, nothing was said.

“This is weird,” Pam finally said. I glanced over at her, and she added, “No, not like hanging out or whatever…I mean, just this awkward silence. We talk on the phone for hours, you know?”

“Yeah,” I chuckled. “I don’t know…I guess I’m just more used to talking to you when you’re like a million miles away.”

“Then make it un-weird,” Pam said.

“Uh…okay…so…how are things with Roy?”

“Okay, I guess. Not great, but not bad…how about you and Katy? Have you guys hung out over the summer?”

“Things with Katy are all right…not great, but not bad either…and no, we haven’t hung out. She wants to come visit, but…I don’t know,” I shrugged.

“You just want a break?”

“Yeah…I guess you could say that.”

“No, I totally get what you mean. I mean, Roy’s working construction with his uncle in Philly, and he’s been gone for about a week. It’s kind of nice, you know?” Pam grinned. “Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good guy, but sometimes you need a break…”

“For sure,” I agreed.

I pulled up in the parking lot at the Glider Diner, and ran around the car to get Pam’s door.

“Well, aren’t you a gentleman?” Pam teased. I pretended to slam the door as she was getting out. We shared some laughs…

Pam ordered blueberry waffles, scrambled eggs, and some bacon. I watched as she ate; the girl really did love waffles.

“All right, desert island movies…five movies you’d bring if you were stranded on a desert. Go!” Pam said, once she had finished her waffles.

“The Shining, Dazed and Confused, Say Anything, Annie Hall…”

“Wow, you’re an old soul, sir,” Pam interrupted, laughing.

“All right, what about you, Beesly? You think you’re better than me?” I teased.

“Chyea…but Dazed in Confused is on mine too, Edward Scissorhands, Fargo, Breakfast Club, The Princess Bride…”

“That’s five…”

“But I need to tell you my all time favorite movie!”

“Play by the rules, woman,” I laughed. “And you’re calling me an old soul? All of your movies are from the eighty’s…”

“Edward Scissorhands isn’t…”

“Touche,” I chuckled.

“What kind of movies is Katy into?” Pam asked.

“Oh god…Legally Blonde, Bring it on…stuff like that,” I replied. Pam laughed. “It’s not funny…she made me watch Legally Blonde about thirty times…”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, Roy really loves football movies. The only time I’ve ever seen him cry was when we watched Friday Night Lights.”

“Oh wow…well, in his defense, the end was pretty hardcore,” I laughed. “I can see why he cried, he’s a football player…”

“Yeah, but it’s a movie…”

“So you’ve never cried while watching a movie?” I asked. Pam shrugged.

“Maybe…” she looked over at me, and I raised an eyebrow and smiled. “Fine! I cried during The Notebook.”

“Oh my god, you are so lame,” I laughed.

“You’re dead,” Pam said, reaching over and pinching my arm.

“Whoa there, killer, that really hurt…ow…” I complained, rubbing my arm. “Jeez…what a jerk…”

“Suck it, Halpert!” Pam smiled. “Be a man!”

*****
August:

For the next three weeks, Pam and I saw each other everyday. There wasn’t really much to do, so we usually sat at a park prank calling Dwight, and just talk about random things. I loved talking to Pam. We can talk about nearly everything. One minute, we’d be talking about food (we were food soul mates), the next, we’d be talking about our relationships. Pam would tell me how she used to have the biggest crush on Roy, but after a couple of months of dating him, she realized that he wasn’t what she had expected.

“Then why are you with him?” I asked.

“I don’t know…it’s just comfortable, I guess,” Pam sighed. “Why are you with Katy? It sounds like you and her have nothing in common…”

“Same reason that you’re with Roy…it’s just comfortable. I’m content, I guess,” I replied. “Plus…I met her right when first term started. I was lonely, and she was there, you know?”

“I guess, but I think you deserve to be happy,” Pam shrugged.

“Well, so do you…” I said.

The next day, after weeks of calling, I finally decided that Katy should come to visit. Pam went with me to the airport to pick up Katy. When we got there, I saw Katy coming down an escalator towards the baggage claim. Since I’m so tall, she spotted me easily, and she bolted towards me faster than the speed of light. The breath was knocked out of me when Katy jumped up to give me a hug. She began to kiss every inch of my face, repeating “I missed you!” after each kiss. From the corner of my eye, I saw Pam biting her bottom lip, fighting to hold her laughter in.

“Hey, Katy, this is my friend Pam,” I said, when Katy finally released me.

“Hey, Pam, Jim’s told me so much about you!” Katy said, hugging Pam. “I bet you and me will be total BFF’s!”

“Yeah, totally,” Pam said, rolling her eyes.

“So what do you guys want to do?” Katy asked, clapping her hands together. I grabbed her bag, and we began to walk to my car.

“Well…we have to go to the train station to pick up Pam’s boyfriend, Roy, and then we’ll go over to my friend Michael’s place…he’s throwing a little shindig tonight,” I told Katy, putting her bags in the trunk. Jesus, she’s only staying for three days, did she really need to pack half of Asia?

“Oooh!” Katy squealed. “I hope there’s booze, I haven’t drank since that one time…remember?”

“Oh yeah, when you puked all over my bed sheets?” I asked. Pam was trying to stifle her laughter.

“Shut up! You’re such a jerk!” Katy smiled, hitting my arm. She turned to Pam, “Was Jim always such a jerk?”

“Oh yeah,” Pam said.

“No, I’m not,” I said, opening the doors for Pam and Katy.

We then drove to the train station to pick up Roy. I bought the girls some coffee from Starbucks, and we waited for about an hour for Roy. I’ve never met the dude, but I’ve seen his pictures on Pam’s Myspace. He was a big beefy guy, and I was pretty sure that if he wanted, he could tear me in half in about a second. But I don’t think he’d have a reason to tear me in half unless he had a mind reading device. God, I spent way too much time with Dwight…

Pam patiently listened as Katy went on about the different purse styles that were coming out this summer, and I saw Roy walking into the station.

“Pam, Roy’s here,” I called, pointing. Pam got up, and I could have sworn she had forced a smile on her face, as Roy walked towards her and gave her a kiss. I looked away, immediately becoming interested in the trashcan across the station. I felt a weird impulse to punch Roy, but I fought it. I always saw myself as more of a lover than a fighter anyway…am I right, ladies?

“This is Jim and his girlfriend Katy,” Pam finally said, once Roy got his big beefy arms off of her.

“Hey guys,” Roy said, shaking Katy’s hand. He shook my hand, and said, “So you’re the famous Jim Halpert, eh? Want to arm wrestle?”

“Nah, I’m good, man,” I replied. What do you say to that?

“I really appreciate you picking me up, man,” Roy said. “And I also appreciate you talking to Pam…sometimes she’d call me at night, and she’d be all blah blah blah, and I’m like what the fuck are you saying, you know?”

“Yeah, I like talking to her too…”

We got to Michael and Holly’s apartment after about a thirty minute drive consisting of Roy asking me to arm wrestle, and Katy giving Pam tips about applying more make up. Personally, I was hoping that Michael had bought a lot of hard alcohol for tonight, and once we stepped into the apartment, my prayers were answered. Michael had bought couple of cases of beer, some vodka, tequila, and 151.

“All right, Scott! That’s a lot of booze!” Roy cried, giving Michael a high five. “We’re gonna arm wrestle right after I take this shot!”

“Okay…” Michael said, handing Roy a handle of vodka. He walked over to me and said, “God, what is with that guy and arm wrestling? Did he ask you too?”

Before I could answer, Roy handed me a shot glass.

“Drink up, Halpert!” Roy yelled, throwing back his shooter. I glanced over at Pam, and gave her my signature half smile, and took the shot.

“Oh, Michael, Holly, this is Katy,” I said. Katy beamed up at them.

“Oh em gee! You too are so cute!” Katy said, giving them both hugs. Holly had a confused expression on her face, so I just shrugged. Pam was fixing herself a margarita, and Roy kept tapping my shoulder for me to take another shot.

Roy seemed determined to get me drunk, and I don’t want to brag, but I’ve been in Colorado for the last nine months or so at the number one party school. Colorado had a higher altitude, so the alcohol didn’t affect me much. Roy would slur about how awesome I was, and how impressed he was that I could hold my liquor. Katy, on the other hand was pretty drunk. After Roy and I took our seventh shot, I was feeling pretty tipsy, and Roy’s face was bright red, and he couldn’t seem to focus. Katy plopped down next to me, and began to talk to Roy about their high school glory years. Pam, Holly, and Michael were sitting on the couch talking and laughing. While Roy and Katy were talking, I went out to Michael’s balcony to have a smoke. I wouldn’t say that I was addicted to cigarettes; I realized that I only smoked when Katy was around. Maybe that was a sign…

“Since when did you start smoking?” a voice asked from behind me. I turned around, and I saw Pam smiling at me, holding a beer.

“After I turned eighteen, it’s a bad habit,” I replied, taking in a drag. “You know, in Colorado, you could literally see every single star…”

I pointed to the sky, and the stars here were barely visible.

“And sometimes,” I continued. “I’d want to take Katy out just to go look out at the stars, but she never wants to do that…she always wants to be doing something…she can’t stay in one spot for too long.”

Okay, maybe I was drunk. Pam looked up at the sky, and smiled at me. God, that smile was so beautiful…

“I wish Roy would think to do those kind of things with me,” Pam sighed. “It’s weird…him being back…”

“It’s weird with Katy being here,” I said, nodding towards a drunken Katy and Roy who were singing ‘Hot in Here’ by Nelly. Pam laughed.

“She’s really nice though,” Pam said.

“She really is…she kind of reminds me of a golden retriever…she likes everyone,” I laughed. “That was mean, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah…” Pam agreed, but she laughed anyway. “You know…sometimes…I wonder why I’m with Roy…”

She was looking up at me as if she were expecting me to do something. What do I do? Do I kiss her? Lord knows, that’s what I really want to do right now, but it would be inappropriate. Katy was sitting right inside, and so was Roy…but this was an opening. It has to be. Before I could do anything, Pam shivered.

“It’s getting cold,” she said, “I’ll see you inside, yeah?”

“Yeah,” I said, as I watched Pam walk back inside. I sighed, and I pulled out another cigarette from my pocket.

“Hey, Jim,” Michael said, walking out. He pointed to my cigarette, “Don’t start any fires, big fella!”

I gave a half-hearted chuckle. Michael walked over, and leaned on the balcony rails with me.

“So Katy’s pretty cute,” he said.

“I guess,” I sighed. I felt Michael staring at me, so I had to ask him, “Hey, you and Holly are good, right?”

“Yeah,” Michael said. “Why?”

“I don’t know…I see you guys, and you’re always happy.”

“Well, I love her, and I know that she loves me,” Michael said, peering into the house, and smiling as he watched Holly laughing with Pam. “Did you know that last year, I was accepted at Chestnut Hill over in Philly for winter term?”

“No,” I replied.

“I did. I was getting tired of doing nothing but working at Staples,” Michael said. “And you were going to leave, so I figured, I should start over too. I mean, I was twenty-three years old, and my best friend was a seventeen year old kid…how sad is that? But then, I met Holly. She became my best friend, and I didn’t want to leave her. So I did the next best thing, I got a better job at Dunder Mifflin. Sure, if I went to Chestnut Hill, then I could probably have a better job, but I didn’t want to leave Holly. She just got me, you know?”

“Yeah,” I said. “But you guys moved really fast…”

“What’s the point of waiting? We both really liked each other, and we’re into the same things…”

“Do you regret not leaving?” I asked. Michael shook his head.

“No I don’t. You know how back when I was with Jan, she’d always try to change me?”

“Yeah,” I answered, tossing my cigarette off of the balcony.

“When I’m with Holly, I want to change into a better person. She doesn’t force me, but she makes me want to,” Michael said, still smiling as he watched Holly. “And she makes me happy, and in the end, that’s all that matters, right?”

“Yeah,” I replied, totally agreeing with Michael, which never happens by the way.

“So is this about Pam?” Michael asked, grinning up at me.

“What? No, I’m with Katy,” I laughed.

“Whatever, Holly keeps talking about the way you look at Pam,” Michael said. “Girls have a radar, they can see when other guys like a girl…”

“No, I don’t like Pam…we’re just friends,” I insisted, but then I blurted out, “I love her…”

“Then why don’t you move back here, and go to the university?” Michael asked.

“She’s with Roy…”

“So? Big fucking deal…if you do love her, then don’t give up,” Michael said. “Never ever ever give up…and quit smoking cigarettes.”

I nodded, and I shoved my cigarettes back into my pocket. I knew what I had to do…

I followed Michael back into his apartment. Pam was watching a movie with Holly, while Roy and Katy were passed out on the dining room table. Thank god. I did feel kind of bad that Katy had flown to Scranton to see me, and I barely said ten words to her. But I didn’t even want her here…not now. I knew what I had to do. Michael and I walked over to Pam and Holly, and we both sat down on the couch next to them.

“What are we watching?” Michael asked, putting an arm around Holly.

“V for Vendetta,” Pam replied.

Just then, I heard Katy moaning from the table. I walk over to her, and she’s wiping her mouth; a circular puddle of vomit spread out over the table.

“I’m sorry,” she whimpered.

“It’s okay…here, let’s get you cleaned up,” I said. Pam walked over, and stood next to me.

“Here, I’ll help her,” Pam said, leading Katy to the bathroom. I reach over, and shake Roy’s shoulder.

“Hey, man, I’d get up if I were you,” I said. Roy stirred, and he quickly jumped back in shock.

“Aw, dude! That’s fuckin gross!” Roy cried. “Party foul, man! Is any of that on me?”

Roy lifted his arms to inspect himself.

“No, you’re good man,” I replied. Michael walked over to me, and handed me a damp rag. He helped clean the vomit with me, occasionally muttering, “God, that stinks!”

When we finished cleaning up the mixture of bile and tequila, Pam called for me.

“Jim, Katy wants to talk to you,” she said. I nodded, and I walked over to the bathroom, where Katy was praying to the god of porcelain.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” I asked, squatting down next to her, and running my hand up and down her back.

“Shitty,” she replied, tearing some toilet paper, wiping her mouth. “God, I just let myself go…”

“Yeah,” I laughed, “You kinda did…”

“Your friends must think I’m a wino or something,” Katy chuckled.

“No, they don’t judge…not sure about Roy, but…he doesn’t matter,” I reassured her. I helped her get up, “You should go lie down…”

“Will you stay with me?” she asked, looking up at me expectantly. I nodded, leading her into a spare room. I went out, and I asked Michael for some sheets. Katy and I laid down on the hard floor. She immediately fell asleep, her face close to mine, the smell of vomit creeping out of her mouth into my nostrils…I thought about Pam. I wondered what she was doing. She was right outside, but she felt so far away.

*****

“So Pam,” Tom started. “Where do you plan on going to school?”

“I’m actually going to go to University of Scranton…I’m hoping to transfer to Pratt,” Pam replied. “I want to get into art…”

“Isn’t art a hobby?”

I coughed, and I looked up at Tom; giving him a glare. He just shrugged.

“I mean, there’s not much you can do with art…” Tom said bluntly. “What are you going to do? Sit in a studio, and sketch for a living?”

“Tom, dude…it’s her choice. There’s a lot she can do with art…graphic design is huge, she can work in a museum, she can be a teacher…”

“I never took art class seriously in high school,” Tom interrupted, his mouth of spaghetti. “I only liked it because I could goof around…”

I looked over at Pam, and her cheeks were burning red.

“Well, if it’s what Pam wants to do, I’m happy for her,” I said. “At least she’ll be happy, unlike you…all you do is sell cars.”

This time, Tom’s face was red. I looked over at Pam and I grinned.

“What are you studying?” Tom had asked Katy over dinner.

“Well, I think I want to get into the theater and dance department,” Katy replied. “I kind of want to be a choreographer…”

“Oh…that’s nice,” Tom said, rolling his eyes. Tom had a habit of making fun of girls I bring over because it gets a rise out of me. “So if that doesn’t work out, you can always be a cheerleading coach.”

“That sounds fun!” Katy exclaimed, obviously missing the sarcastic tone in Tom’s voice.

Later that night, when Katy went to bed, I was in the living room watching SportsCenter. Tom sat next to me, and he handed me a soda.

“You don’t like her do you?”

“Katy? She’s okay…why?” I asked, sipping my Coke.

“Dude, I was giving her shit about dancing and cheerleading all night,” Tom said. “I was being the biggest anus ever, and you just sat there…sometimes you even laughed.”

“So? It was funny,” I shrugged.

“Yeah, but when I teased that Pam girl, you got all butt hurt,” Tom said. “You almost started crying…”

“That was you that almost started crying,” I reminded him. Tom punched my arm.

“The point is, you like Pam…everyone can see it,” Tom said. “Everyone but Katy…how that girl can cross a street without getting hit by a car still baffles me…”

I laughed.

“She’s nice…”

“Well, she may be nice and cute, but she doesn’t have much of a personality,” Tom sighed. “I think you’re better off with Pam…”

“Yeah, but I go to school in Colorado, so…”

“Damn it, Jim. You’re a dumb ass for going to Colorado,” Tom said, hitting me for no reason.

But he was right…

The next day was Katy’s last full day in Scranton. I had another week before I had to go back to Colorado. Katy wanted to go on a triple date with Michael, Holly, Pam, and Roy. I didn’t really want to, but Michael was going to be there…so was Pam. We all made plans to meet up at Cooper’s for dinner.

Katy stepped out of my room wearing a light green tank top and a white skirt. She looked nice. She moved towards me, taking my hand, and I led her to my car. We drove in silence…for some reason, the air was thick. It was like she knew what I was going to do tonight. The parking lot at Cooper’s was nearly full—it was a Sunday evening, of course they would be busy tonight. As we got closer to the entrance, I can see Holly’s blonde hair through the window. She was laughing with Michael, who was standing next to a pirate statue. He was probably doing a lame Johnny Depp impression. I held the door open for Katy, and she stepped into the restaurant. Pam and Roy were sitting on a bench.

“Ahoy, mateys,” Michael growled. “We must wait to be seated, argh…”

Katy giggled. “Oh my gosh, you’re so funny!”

“I thank ye,” Michael bowed, and he grabbed Holly. “I’m in search for booty, and I think I founds it!”

Holly laughed. Pam and Roy moved down the bench, and Pam motioned for me to come sit next to her. Taking Katy’s hand, I led her to the bench, and sat down next to Pam.

“I need to talk to you,” Pam quietly mumbled, so that no one else could hear her. “Later though…”

“All right,” I whispered back.

Fifteen minutes later, we were seated in a booth. We all gave the server our orders, and Michael and Holly were playing with the lobster claw shell cracker things. Katy was talking to Pam about how embarrassed she was about getting drunk and vomiting in front of everyone, while Roy was talking to me about football. Our meals arrived, and for the most part, we all ate in silence. It was a mystery as to why things felt so tense…maybe I just imagined it. In my mind, I was looking for the right words to tell Katy…I felt terrible for what I was about to do, but it’s what I need to do. She was a great girl, and she deserves to be with someone who’ll truly appreciate her. My pocket was vibrating, so I took my phone out. I got text message from Pam.

Can you come see me later…like midnight?

She was glancing over at me, so I gave her a nod. Great, it was bad enough that I was going to break up with Katy, now I have Pam on my mind. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I’m really trying to figure out a good way to break up with Katy without hurting her feelings too bad.

Before I knew it, everyone was finished with their meals. We all paid for our checks, and stood outside. Roy said that he had to leave in the morning to go to Philadelphia to work for his uncle again, and Michael and Holly both had to go to work as well. Katy said her goodbyes, and told them all that it was nice meeting them. Roy took my hand and shook it.

“See you guys later,” I called, getting into my car. Katy let out a sigh.

“I heard you and your brother talking last night,” she said. So that was what was bothering her…

“Oh…”

“So you like Pam?”

“Yes…”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” she asked.

“I don’t know…Pam and I…we’re not…I don’t know.” I stammered. Tears were brimming around Katy’s eyes.

“What’s wrong with me?”

“What?”

“How come you never…you stood up for Pam when Tom made fun of her, and you didn’t stand up for me. What is so wrong with me that you can’t like me like you like her?”

“You’re…there’s nothing wrong with you,” I sighed, pulling my car over into a parking lot.

“I love you, Jim,” she sobbed. “And it hurts that you can laugh when Tom makes fun of me for being ‘stupid!’”

“I’m sorry…” I really didn’t know what else to say.

“And you think I never noticed how you stared at her? You think I never noticed the look on your face whenever she called you while we were in Colorado? I saw it all, but I thought…I thought you loved me,” Katy whimpered, wiping her eyes. “But you never did…even while I was out here, you spent more time with her than you did with me…”

“I’m sorry,” I repeated. There really was nothing else I could say. Guilt was rushing up my chest, reaching my head, my brain feeling like it was going to explode.

“We’re over,” Katy finally said.

“I know…”

We drove back to Tom’s in silence. The only noise coming out from Katy was her sniffling. Before, I only felt slightly guilty…that was before I knew what had been bothering Katy. I was too blind to even fully realize that something was bothering her. Never in my life have I ever felt like such an asshole. I used to take pride in the fact that I considered myself to be different from most guys, but it turns out, I wasn’t. All these months, I’ve been using Katy. Katy really loved me…she didn’t want to change anything about me. She just wanted to be with me…she just wanted to feel love in return, and I never gave her that. There’s no way I could give her my love, because I would have been faking it…but god, I wasted months of her life. I hurt her…

She packed her suitcase in silence, pushing me away as I offered to help her. We sat on the front porch, waiting for her cab, smoking cigarettes. It was almost ironic. When we had met, we were smoking. When we were parting, we were smoking…

Katy’s cab arrived right when he had threw out our cigarette butts. I walked her over to her cab, and she just gave me a sad smile. She stepped into the cab, slamming the door, and I watched as the yellow car drove away.

*****
Later that night, I met up with Pam at our park. She was sitting in our usual bench. I walked over beside her, and I sat down.

“I broke up with Roy,” she immediately said. “I’ve been wanting to do it for months, and I broke up with him tonight…”

“Oh…”

“Yeah…it’s just,” Pam took a deep breath. “I really like you, Jim…and I don’t know why I didn’t tell you sooner. If I had, then maybe…I don’t know. But you’re leaving soon, and you’re with Katy…but…I’m in love with you…always have been…”

I felt her finger intertwining with mine. There was a lump in my throat, and I couldn’t look at her. She took a deep breath.

“I can talk to you about anything, for hours on end. You make me laugh more than anyone I know. I just feel happy when I’m with you,” Pam continued. “And I think…if you feel the same about me, that…we could make things work…”

“You know…I’ve always liked you…ever since we met,” I began. “I would always think about you…I would wonder about how things would be different if I never went to Colorado…I imagined us being together…but…I can’t. You deserve better…”

“What do you mean?”

“You deserve better,” I said, thinking about how much I hurt Katy. “Maybe our timing’s off, because I think if I never left, things would be great between us. But I’ve changed…I just realized that tonight. For the whole time I was with Katy, I was a guy that I never thought I’d be…I used her, Pam…I hurt her. I never thought I’d be that guy, but I am. And you don’t deserve that…”

Pam removed her hand from mine. The bench creaked as she walked away. A million thoughts and impulses were running through my head. Stop her! Don’t let her get away; tell her it was a bad prank! You can make things work with her! You were lonely when you were with Katy! You know that you’re in love with Pam, and you would never hurt her? Would I, though? What’s to say that I won’t hurt Pam? What happens if I meet someone else, and hurt Pam like I hurt Katy? Just let her walk away…she’s better off not being with you. A girl that nice doesn’t deserve to be with an asshole like me. Katy was a mistake. We all make mistakes. There isn’t going to be another Pam. Get yourself up, and stop her from getting away! You’re going to regret this for the rest of your life!

But I was too late…when I stood up off of the bench to chase after Pam, she was nowhere in sight. Way to go, Halpert…you just broke two hearts in one night…

Pam was gone. She had driven away. And there I was, standing with my mouth open like a fucking dumb ass. I was probably breathing out of my mouth too…I really hate mouth breathers. Wow…what the hell did I just do? Did I really reject Pam? What the fuck was I thinking? I could blame Katy, but it wasn’t her fault. None of it was; it was my own fault. Well, shit on a stick, I blew it…

The walk back to my car felt like hours, which is saying something because my car was about fifty yards away…I wanted to throw a fit—maybe kick a tree or something, but I didn’t. Maybe I should pull a Whee-Man, and kick myself in the face…it’s times like this where I wish I had short legs…or maybe kick really high, because I would totally kick myself in the face.

God, Pam literally put it all on the line. She loved me, and I love her too. I love her to the point where I wish there was a stronger word for love. How could I not love her? Pam was the funniest, sweetest, most honest girl I’ve ever met. She made me feel comfortable…

*****
Hotel Room

“Who’s this?” Pam whispered, gently bobbing her head up and down to the music.

“The New Pornographers,” I answered softly. Pam glanced over to me, and raised her eyebrows.

“That’s kind of an obvious name…I mean, you would think pornographers would constantly be nude…”

“What?”

“The Nude Pornographers…?”

“No,” I laughed. “The NEW Pornographers…”

“Ah…shit...” Pam blushed. “Well, I feel like a dumb ass…”

*****
First Phone Call from Pam

“Beesly, you don’t even know what you’re talking about,” I persisted, leaning back in my chair.

“What do you mean? If I could be any superhero, I would be Batman,” Pam repeated. “What’s so hard to understand about that?”

“Dude, seriously…Batman has no superpowers,” I explained, “And he’s awesome and everything, but I specifically asked you, what superhero power would you want?”

“I could easily argue that Batman’s power is in his wallet…that fool is rich…and he’s such a badass! If I had the bat-mobile from Batman Begins, I could probably just drive through all those mountains to come and see you!”

I let out a laugh. Man, Pam was a funny girl…

“Yeah, but let’s say you had Nightcrawler’s powers, you could just teleport here. Thus, you would be helping out the environment by not knocking trees down and shit…”

“Whoa! Nightcrawler’s freaking awesome! I redact my last comment, and I would like to be Nightcrawler…” Pam exclaimed, full of enthusiasm.

“You do realize how nerdy we sound right now, right?” I laughed.

“I don’t care, if people laugh at me, I’ll just teleport. Then I wouldn’t have to see them again, and they’d think I tooted because it would smell like sulfur when I left…”

“Wow…did you just say toot?”

*****
Most Embarrassing Moment

“So, Halpert, what was the most embarrassing moment of your life?” Pam asked, and I could see her grinning even though we were thousands of miles away.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” I asked in a teasing tone.

“Come on! Tell me!” she begged, giggling.

“No, never!”

“You’re just being a Debbie Downer right now…”

“I know you are, but what am I?”

“An eighteen year old boy who quotes Pee Wee Herman,” Pam laughed. “Come on, spit it out, Halpert…I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours!”

“Fine,” I said, unable to resist the temptation. “When I was like five or six, my neighbor was having a birthday party. She had a Slip n’ Slide, and I had never been on one before then. So I was having the time of my life, completely ignoring everyone, just running, sliding, running back, and sliding down over and over again…I was having so much, laughing and screaming out in joy—“

“That’s what she said! That’s what she said!” Pam laughed. I shook my head, and continued my story.

“Anyway, I was having a lot of fun…people were having fun just watching me. Then they started to laugh, and I was all, ‘I know! It is SO much fun!’ But they continued to laugh at me, and eventually, I was all, ‘What the fuck is so funny?’ And then, Tom is pointing at me, and laughing his ass off…it turns out that my swim trunks tore in the front, and, err…Simba was hanging out with Timon and Pumba…”

“Oh my god, is that what you call your junk?!” Pam roared with laughter.

“Pam, don’t say junk,” I warned sarcastically, laughing along with her. “Okay, so what was your most embarrassing moment?”

“Oh, what? Dinner’s ready?” Pam asked, pretending that she was talking to her mom or dad.

“Beesly, quit playing games with my heart! Tell me!”

“Okay, Howie…” Pam teased. “Okay, back to business…um…my most embarrassing moment…God, I’ve never told anyone this story before…I’m scared!”

“Well…you gotta take a chance on something, Pam…”

“Fine,” she huffed. “Just gotta warn you, it’s pretty gross…”

“I don’t judge…”

“But…it has to do with…err…screw it, I’ll tell you anyway…but first, you have to promise that you’ll still be my friend after I tell you…”

“Okay, fine…I promise,”

“Okay…Whew! So do you remember that night when we spent the night in New York? Well, while you were sleeping…I…had to…you know…”

“No, I don’t know,” I replied truthfully.

“You know what you do after a couple of hours after eating?” Pam giggled.

“Oh…it’s okay, everyone poops…” I laughed.

“Yeah, but…I was in the bathroom, and Michael walked in on me…”

“That’s not that embarrassing…”

“You don’t understand, Jim…he walked in right when the lion roared…”

“What?”

“We had nachos at the bowling alley…and I let out a loud…”

“Oh! Oh god! I heard that, but I thought it was a low flying airplane!” I remembered.

“I hate you…”

*****
Taking Chances

“Hey, Pam,” I sighed when I had answered my phone. “Happy V-day!”

“Thanks, you too. Hey…are you all right? Usually, you’re all cheerful when I call you…”

“Yeah,” I said yawning, “I’m just tired…I have an exam for Chemistry on Monday, and I suck at Chem, so I have to study all weekend…”

“Oh, do you want me to let you go?”

“You know me, Beesly, I’m the master procrastinator,” I laughed. “So what’s up?”

“Oh, nothing…just wondering what you were up to…”

“Not a whole lot, obviously. You should be out, and having some fun, Beesly. It’s Friday!”

“Yeah, well…” Pam sighed. “Roy’s out at baseball game with his friends, and Holly and Michael are out on a date. Apparently, a guy like Michael remembered that today’s Valentine’s Day…speaking of which, why aren’t you taking Katy out?”

“It’s only four here, you always forget that I’m two hours behind you…but I’m sorry about Roy.”

“It’s okay…um…so…what are you and Katy going to do tonight?” Pam asked.

“I’m taking her to The Med. It’s this restaurant that Katy really likes,” I explained.

“Oh, that’s sweet…”

“Meh…”

“Hey, Jim? Can I ask you something?”

“Fire away, Beesly.”

“Should I...” Pam starts, and she lets out a sigh. “How are things with Katy?”

“What? Oh…uh…they’re all right,” I reply. “I mean, we’ve been dating for almost six months, but it feels like I don’t have anything in common with her, you know?”

“I know what you mean…it’s the same with Roy and me. I mean, yeah, I like him, and he can be a nice guy, but…I don’t know. The other day, he made fun of me because I want to get into art,” Pam said.

“That’s pretty fucked up.”

“Yeah, but he made some good points…I mean, there aren’t any guarantees when it comes with art,” I heard a crack in Pam’s voice, and I knew she was crying.

“You never know, Beesly…you just have to take a chance…”

“Yeah…I think I will…”

“You think?”

“Fine, I know I will. Is that better, Mr. Halpert?” Pam chuckles.

“A lot better,” I reply, smiling.

*****
First Movie

The second time I hung out with Pam since coming back to Scranton, we watched Spider-Man 2 at Tom’s house. Tom and his wife, Linda, were both working late that night. Eventually, Pam and I got bored of the movie…there was nothing wrong with it, but you gotta admit, the movie is pretty cheesy. So we decided to put the movie on mute, and add our own dialogue.

It was the final fifteen minutes of the movie—the climax. Spider-Man and Doc Ock were duking it out in some weird clock/lighthouse building, and Pam was providing Doc Ock’s voice while I provided Spider-Man’s voice. Spider-Man had just shocked Doc Ock with some cables, and he was now trying to subdue some weird sun thing that was spinning out of control.

“Hey guy, I need you to help me,” I said, pretending to be Spider-Man. “Your ball thingy is out of control!”

“Why should I help you?” Pam grunted, pretending to be Doc-Ock.

“Because,” I said, just as Spider-Man took of his mask. “I rode Seabiscuit…”

“My god!” Pam cried. “You did, didn’t you? But I can’t help you…”

“Why not?!”

“Because while we were fighting, you twisted my nipple, and it hurt real bad!”

“Listen, that was an accident…It’s just…things were getting heated back there.”

“That doesn’t change that fact that it hurt,” Pam giggled.

We burst out in laughter, both leaning back on the couch. Pam was beaming at me, and of course, I was beaming back.

*****
Something That’s Not Overrated

“What’s the most overrated song of our generation?” I asked.

Pam and I were sitting out “our” park. We always met up there because it was right between her house and Tom’s house. And there wasn’t much to do around Scranton, so we’d usually just sit at the park for hours talking. That day, we were asking each other what we thought was overrated…

“That’s easy,” Pam laughs, “Smells Like Teen Spirit, duh…”

“I agree…I think Nirvana’s overrated in general…” I said, as Pam nodded in agreement. “Okay, your turn…”

“Um…overrated movie?”

“Fight Club or Donnie Darko…” I reply. “They’re great movies, but totally overrated.”

“For sure…they are overrated, but I think Pulp Fiction is even more overrated…” Pam said. “It’s a classic, but it really wasn’t that great…”

“True that, Beesly,” I laughed, giving Pam a high five. “All right, most overrated thing about relationships…”

“Oh, that’s easy…” Pam said, giggling. “Sex.”

“Sex is overrated? How so?”

“Well, people make it out to be so important, you know? Like if you have a bad sex life, then your relationship is going to fail,” Pam explained. “There are more important things than sex. At least I think so.”

“Good point…” I agreed.

“Personally, I like to cuddle…but Roy, he’s all macho or whatever, so he doesn’t like to…”

“Dude, cuddling is the best, and I will proudly admit that,” I laughed. “It’s better than sex…”

“And it’s definitely not overrated…” Pam said.

“Katy’s not much of a cuddler,” I blurted out. Pam looked over at me, raising one of her eyebrows. “Or maybe she doesn’t like to cuddle with me…I am pretty boney.”

Pam laughed, and shook her head. And all of a sudden, she leaned into me, grabbing my arm and wrapping it around her shoulder.

“No, that can’t be it,” she laughed, leaning into me deeper.

My breath caught in my throat, and I felt like I was going to cough. I held it in…Cuddling is definitely not overrated.

*****
I couldn’t sleep that night. The sheets on my bed felt hot, but when I kicked them off of me, I felt cold. Maybe this is what a woman going through menopause feels like…I wouldn’t know (thank god…no offense, ladies).

When the afternoon finally came, I drove over to Michael’s apartment. I don’t know why I did…I really doubt Michael would be able to help me, but at the very least, maybe he could kick me in the face. They skies were blue, the birds were chirping, kids were playing…and all I could think about while I was driving over to Michael’s was Pam.

And then, I was standing in front of Michael’s front door. I guess I had one of those highway hypnosis things, because it felt like I had just left my brother’s house. Shrugging, I just reached over, and rang the doorbell. About a second later, Holly opened the door, and gave me a smile. Then she shook her head.

“Hey, over reactor man,” Holly joked.

“Oh god, you talked to Pam?” I cringed. Holly nodded. “So do you want to do me a favor, and kick me in the face?”

“Not really, but I could let you in if you want,” Holly chuckled. “Michael’s at work…”

“On a Saturday?” I asked, stepping into the apartment.

“Yeah, he’s meeting some clients…so what brings you here, over reactor man?” Holly asked, sitting down on the sofa.

“I don’t know,” I said, pushing my hair out of my face, and sitting down on the sofa next to Holly. “How’s Pam?”

“Oh…she’s pretty pissed, but mostly, she’s just depressed,” Holly said. “So what’s the deal, Jimbo? I know you like Pam. It’s written all over your face.”

“Yeah…I don’t know…Katy heard me and Tom making fun of her, and then she pretty much found out that I never really had feelings for her…I felt like an asshole. And then I felt like I didn’t deserve Pam, and now here I am,” I shrugged. “Obviously, I feel like a dumb ass…”

“Good, you should,” Holly laughed. I glared at her, but I knew I deserved it. “So what are you going to do?”

“What do you mean?”

“You have a week to fix things before you leave,” Holly said, in an impatient tone. “And you’re wasting time sitting here feeling sorry for yourself.”

I let out a dry laugh, “What do you think I should do?”

“If I tell you, will you stop making fun of me for taking yoga?” Holly asked.

“I don’t make fun of you…”

“Really? Then what’s this: ‘Hey, Holly, I bet you’re pretty tired from sitting down and stretching for an hour!’?”

“Well…I don’t consider yoga as being an exercise,” I confessed.

“It is, and it really hurts my feelings when you make fun of it…” Holly joked. “But seriously, I don’t make fun of basketball, do I?”

“Fine, I’ll stop making fun of yoga,” I huffed. “So what should I do?”

“Grow a pair, and tell her how you feel about her, stupid,” Holly replied, shrugging. “And flowers don’t hurt…and she probably wants another CD…I swear, that girl always listens to that CD you made her.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. Just show her how much you love her, Jim…” Holly said, suddenly looking serious. “And you gotta do that part on your own…”

“Right,” I nodded.

It was then when I really knew what I had to do to win Pam back. Not that I ever had her, but I was pretty damn close. I quickly thanked Holly, and launched myself out of the apartment.

Usually, if a girl was mad at me, I’d call her and apologize. Then I would give it about a week before I call her again…but I was on a time crunch—I had only a week left in Scranton, and I wanted to make things better with Pam before I left. So when I left Michael and Holly’s apartment, I quickly rushed back to Tom’s house, and switched on my laptop. I quickly scanned through the list of the songs that I had, searching for the right ones. Let me tell you something, having 7000 songs can be a son of a bitch. Sure, you sound really cool when someone asks you how many songs do you have in your ipod, and you reply just over 7000, but when you’re trying to make the perfect CD, it will stress you out.

So for the next hour and a half, I picked around thirty songs, burned two CD’s, and paced around my room cursing my computer for being so slow. Yes, I made Pam two CD’s…you’ll see why in a bit. So once the two CD’s were done, I called Pam. Obviously, she didn’t answer, so I kept calling her. I’m sorry, but when you’re on a time crunch, you have to be a creeper…especially if it was for someone like Pam. I called her five times, and each time, she answered and then hung up on me. Smart girl…she wasn’t going to let me leave her a voice mail.

So I texted her, “Real mature, Beesly. Listen, I really need to talk to you…explain things, you know? I’ll be at the park, so please meet me there. Just to let you know, if I have to, I’ll stay there all day and all night…and I’m tall and scrawny, so I’ll probably get picked on by all the ten year olds.”

It was about 3:00 when I arrived at the park, and as usual, there were kids running around playing soccer, football, baseball, and basketball. I took a seat on the bench that Pam and I usually sat on near the end of the park. It was a nice bench…it was just on the edge of the woods, nice and cool, and it contained a lot of good memories. It was our bench…

It was 5:00 when I started to feel hungry. I hadn’t eaten anything that day. My ipod battery was low, and I was cursing Apple for basically making a monopoly on MP3 players. You would think if you pay 400 bucks for an ipod, the battery life would be much better than four hours. And then, little kids were starting to gather around me…I guess they were intrigued by a 6’3” guy sitting alone in a park for hours.

It was 7:00 when my ipod died. See? I told you the ipod batteries last only seven hours. Pam wasn’t there, and she probably wasn’t going to come. I was still hungry, and I was starting to get a little angry. I had to remind myself that it was my own fault, and I shouldn’t have rejected Pam in the first place.

It was 9:20, and I saw her walking towards me. Her face was difficult to read, and I had no idea what to say to her. Good job, Jim, you sat here for a good six hours, and you didn’t come up with anything to say to her. I got up, and we met halfway, both of us standing in the baseball diamond. Pam crossed her arms, and glared at me.

“Holly called me. She said you asked Michael to bring you a burger about an hour ago…” Pam said, still glaring.

“I’ve been here since three…” I mumbled. Pam let out a dry laugh. “Listen, can we go to your car?”

“Why?”

“Because…” I pulled out the CD’s that I made her from my pocket. “I made you these…and…uh…well, one of them has songs that I know you’d like, and the other has Backstreet Boys and Good Charlotte…”

“What?”

“I want you to choose,” I explained, shrugging. “They’re not marked, see?” I showed her the two blank CD’s. “If you choose the one with songs that you like, then you have to hang out with me for the rest of the week…if you chose the one with the lame songs, then I’ll leave you alone…”

Pam gazed down at the CD’s, then back up at me with a skeptical expression, and nodded her head towards her car.

“All right, let’s go…” she said, walking towards her blue Geo. “You could have saved me the trouble of walking, and met me at my car…”

“You could have called or sent me a text,” I teased, but my grin faded when Pam shot me a dirty look. “Sorry…”

I stepped into Pam’s car, and I took a deep breath.

“Pam, I’m sorry…I’m sorry about everything,” I explained, staring over at Pam. “I really care about you, and I guess last night…I guess…I thought I was going to end up hurting you. I’m in love with you…everyday, I wake up smiling because I know that you’ll call me…lately, I wake up smiling because I know that I’ll be able to see you everyday. And I’ve been this gigantic asshole to Katy, and…I thought…I thought that you could do better than me, and that’s why I said all those things last night. But I love you…I really do. And I will never treat you like how I treated Katy. And yeah, I know I’m being really forward and creepy, but honestly…I don’t have much time before I leave…”

“Whatever,” Pam said, grabbing a CD from my hand. “Let’s just get this over with…”

She turned her key, and popped the CD into the deck. Silently, I prayed with all my heart that the first song that played would be “Street Spirit” by Radiohead. But it wasn’t…instead it was “Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous” by Good Charlotte. Don’t ask why I had that song in my computer…or Backstreet Boys for that matter. Fine, they were guilty pleasures…what? Like you don’t have embarrassing music in your hard drive?

I sighed, and looked over to Pam one last time. Her expression was hard to read.

“Well,” I said. “It was worth a shot, right?”

Pam looked over at me, and I gave her one last smile before I opened the car door, and headed out. I walked halfway to my car, when I heard Pam’s door slamming.

“You’re an asshole, you know that?” she called out. I slowly turned to face her, and Pam’s face twisted into a furious expression. She began to shake the CD in my face. “Seriously, what are you doing giving me this horrible music?”

“What?”

“This is the most horrible music ever made!” Pam exclaimed. “And you just leave everything up to a fifty-fifty chance?”

“I’m sorry…” I said, feeling terrible.

“Good, because what if I was some stuck up bitch, and actually let you go away? The last thing I’d remember about you was that you gave me a shitty CD…” Pam smiled. “And…that whole making me choose which CD to pick thing was pretty stupid as well…”

“Oh, I thought—“

“Because,” Pam continued, interrupting me. “You’re leaving everything up to a fifty-fifty chance…and chance can’t make my decision for me…”

Pam laughed, and I let out a nervous chuckle.

“I mean, you waited here for hours for me,” Pam said, suddenly turning serious, and stepping closer to me. “That guy would have left a long time ago…and you’re not that guy. Because if you were, then I wouldn’t like you, and I’m trying really hard not to like you, but I can’t not like you…”

Pam’s lips were about a centimeter away from mine. Our noses were gently grazing. Even though it was dark, I could probably count each of her eyelashes. I gently put my hands on her face, and our lips finally met. Her soft lips were pressed against mine, and it was better than anything I could have ever imagined. It was as if everything in the world had paused, and we were the only ones in motion. I felt her fingers sliding through my hair. I had never felt so elated…ever.

“Wow…” I smiled when we had pulled apart.

“Yeah…” Pam sighed, smiling up at me.

And all of a sudden, we had both burst into laughter. I don’t know why Pam was laughing, but I was laughing because I felt like a giddy little school girl whose crush had finally asked out on a date. Hopefully, Pam was laughing for the same reason, but there’s no way of knowing what was going on in her head. Like Michael had once said, “We don’t have the technology.” Realizing that I was thinking about Michael sobered me up a bit…

“I was expecting that to be weird,” Pam admitted.

“Was it?”

“No…was it weird for you?”

“Not at all…”

“Good,” Pam smiled. Suddenly she hit my arm. “You’re still an asshole though…”

“Ow-uh!” I cried, rubbing my arm, pretending it had hurt. “God…you punch like a man!”

“Suck it, Halpert,” Pam laughed, sticking her tongue out.

“Gosh, Pam…not on the first date,” I said in a bashful tone.

We both jumped back as my stomach growled loudly. Pam giggled, and put a hand on my stomach.

“Aw…is Jim hungry?” she asked in a baby voice.

“Dude, I haven’t eaten anything all day,” I told her. “And little kids were staring at me because I was sitting by myself on our bench…my ipod died, I’m probably going to write an angry letter to Apple about their lame ipod batteries, and Michael didn’t bring me a damn burger…”

“Well, I don’t mean to sound like a bitch, but…” Pam teased. “You deserved it…”

“Oh, I know…” I nodded in agreement. “So…do you want to go to the 24 hour IHOP?”

“Sure…do you want to buy me waffles?”

“Obviously,” I laughed, taking Pam’s hand, and walking towards my car.

I was certain that both of us were thinking the same thing: what happens now? But I’m pretty sure that neither of us cared. Tonight was just the two of us. There were still a countless number of questions that needed to be answered, such as what happens when I have to go back to Colorado? But that could wait, because I didn’t want to ruin tonight. When I opened the passenger door of my car, Pam hugged me tightly.

“I know it’s too soon to say this, and I don’t even know what we are,” she said softly, still holding onto me, “but I really do love you…”

“I love you too, Pam,” I told her, breathing in the sweet smell of her hair, and smiling.

“You do know that I’m going to continue calling you an asshole, right?” Pam teased.

“You do know that I don’t really care if you do, right?” I said, winking over at her.

Oh, boy…what a night. My stomach was rumbling, my butt kind of hurt from sitting down on a wooden bench all day, and kids were giving me awkward looks all day…but none of that mattered. Because right now, I had Pam, and she’s all that matters. Well, food kind of matters too right now, because I am starving. So in short, I’m in a glass case of hunger and emotion. Happy emotion…

“So let me ask you something, asshole,” Pam giggled.

“Fire away, girl who punches like a man…”

“So when you were with Katy, what was the most annoying thing about her?”

“Come on, Pam,” I laughed. “I’m in a happy place right now, and you’re bringing her up?”

“I’m sorry, asshole. If it makes you feel any better, Roy would constantly rub my thighs like this,” I felt Pam’s hand running roughly against my thigh. “And it was annoying…it was like he was a village person trying to wash clothes…”

I let out a laugh.

“Well, Katy liked to make up cheers when she was happy,” I said, making my voice high pitched, and cheerleadery, “‘Give me a J if you’re jolly, I if you’re incredible, and an M if you’re a monkey!’ or something like that anyway…it was incredibly annoying.”

Pam giggled, and I reached my hand onto her thigh, and began to rub it roughly like Roy had.

“Stop it, you jerk,” Pam laughed, punching my arm.

“Gosh! Do you want to die tonight? Is that what you’re trying to do?” I laughed. “Driving is not a game, it’s real life!”

Pam threw her head back in laughter, and I finally pulled into the IHOP parking lot.

“Oh, thank god,” I cried, quickly getting out of the car. I opened Pam’s door, “Hurry up! I’m hungry!”

“I can’t seem to unbuckle my seatbelt,” Pam teased, deliberately taking her time.

“God! Hurry up, woman!” I said, yanking Pam’s hand, and lifting her up on my shoulder. She was surprisingly light.

“You better not drop me, Halpert…I feel like I’m dangling off the Eiffel Tower up here,” Pam laughed. I began to run around the parking lot, spinning while Pam screamed and laughed. “Put me down!”

“If I put you down, will you go directly into the restaurant?” I asked. “Like as fast as you can walk?”

“Dude, you’re the one running around the parking lot…we could have been in the restaurant like two minutes ago…”

“Touche,” I said, gently putting Pam down. Her hair was slightly disheveled, so I ran a hand through it. “I kinda fucked up your hair…”

Pam gazed up at me with a half grin. I felt her gently placing a hand on my chest, and I prayed that she couldn’t feel my heart beating…actually, I didn’t care if she did. I wanted her to know how nervous she made me feel…I brought my hand down to her cheek, and I brought my face closer to hers. Our lips touched, and suddenly, I didn’t feel so hungry anymore…

*****
You know what more people should do instead of using drugs? They should hang out with Pam. It’s amazing how happy one person can make me. Seriously, I could not stop smiling for the past seven hours. I walked downstairs into the kitchen to get a glass of water to find Tom and Linda eating breakfast.

“’Morning,” I said, grabbing a glass from the cupboard. “Looks like it’s going to be a nice day, huh?”

Actually, it didn’t look so nice outside. Rain clouds were starting to form.

“Are you high?” Tom asked, walking over to me, and peeling my eyelids back to inspect my pupils. “You are fucking high, aren’t you?”

I let out a laugh, and swatted Tom’s hand away.

“Nah, dude…I’m not high,” I smiled. “I’m just in a good mood…”

“Whatever…you were probably in your room swallowing ecstasy…” Tom accused, still giving me a suspicious look. I couldn’t keep the smile off of my face. “I’m telling Mom…”

“Dude, Tom…I’m not high,” I ensured him. “I just had a good night last night…”

“Why? Did your balls finally drop?” Tom asked, giving Linda a look that said he was awfully proud of himself for the zinger.

“Grow up, Tom,” Linda scowled, shaking her head. “So what happened last night that put you in such a good mood?”

I shrugged, and poured myself some water. Suddenly, Linda let out a dramatic gasp.

“Jim! Is that a hickey?!” she cried, pointing at my neck. Tom grabbed me by the shoulders, and pulled my head back.

“Dude! It is a hickey!” Tom laughed. “Did you get yourself a hooker, or did Katy come back? Wait…is Katy here?”

“No…” I said, feeling my cheeks burn. I did not know Pam would leave a hickey…well, shit…

“Wait a minute…” Tom said, smiling. “You got with the art girl, didn’t you? Aw, Jimmy, you son of a gun!” Tom held up his hand, expecting me to give him a high five, but I just scowled at him.

“Dude, it’s not what you think,” I said. “We just…made out in my car for awhile…”

“Yeah, but still!” Tom exclaimed, still holding his hand up. “You’ve been whining like a little bitch about Katy, and how stupid she was…and you’ve been hanging out with Pam everyday. And when I gave her shit about wanting to be an artist, you got all butt hurt, and stayed up in your room all night…probably writing poetry…”

“Shut up, Tom,” Linda said, giving me a smile. “Pam’s a very nice girl. I’m happy for you…”

“Thanks, Linda.”

“Yeah…I hope things work out for you guys,” she said kindly, pulling Tom towards the front door. “We gotta get to work…”

“Right…I’ll see you guys later,” I called, rubbing my neck, and smiling a little.

*****
I always assumed that Pam’s dead was a college professor. Don’t ask why. I just did. There’s something to talk about today, what do our parents do? Anyway, when a short, round, hairy, shirtless middle aged man answered the door, I was quite taken aback.

“Can I help you?” the man asked, scratching his round stomach.

“Um…is Pam home?” I asked, hoping my disgust didn’t show.

“Yeah…one sec,” Pam’s dad turned his head, and yelled. “Pam! Someone’s here to see you!”

“Oh my god, Daddy, put on a shirt!”

“It’s my house! I’ll put on a shirt when I feel like it!” Pam’s father exclaimed. Pam walked up to the door.

“At least get a bathrobe…jeez,” Pam said, smiling over at me. “Daddy, this is Jim…”

“I paid for this house, Pam, and if I want to walk around shirtless, then I will,” Pam’s father said. Then he turned to me, “Nice to meet you, Jim.”

“Nice to meet you too, Mr. Beesly,” I smiled.

“Well, you kids go off and do whatever it is the cool kids do these days,” Mr. Beesly said.

“All right. Bye, Daddy!” Pam said, hugging her father.

“Bye, Mr. Beesly,” I said, giving a wave as Mr. Beesly stepped back into the house.

“Sorry about the lack of shirt,” Pam shrugged. “That must have been scarring for you…”

“It is his house, Beesly,” I chuckled. “So what does your dad do?”

“He teaches History at Dunmore Middle School.” I was close enough…he was still a teacher, wasn’t he? “So did you have any plans for us today?”

“Not really…I thought we could just sit at the park for a couple of hours, and complain about how there’s nothing to do here,” I smiled, linking Pam’s and mine’s hands together. “Why do you want to do anything?”

“Holly called me a couple of hours ago,” Pam said. “She wants us to go ice skating with her and Michael…double date, I guess…”

“Sounds like fun.”

*****
Michael was a great ice skater. He used to play hockey when he was in high school, and the man can shred on the ice. But it’s embarrassing to be around him at the ice rink. Why? Because he always wears hockey pads, and carries his hockey stick around. I don’t know why he does it, but he just does.

While I was helping Pam tie her skates, Michael was standing over me, pounding his hockey stick against the mat.

“Let’s move, Jim!” he cried.

“Dude, calm down,” I said, looking up at him. “And get your stick out of my face.”

“That’s what she said!” Pam, Michael, and Holly all cried out together. I looked up at Pam in blasphemy.

“He’s got you into saying it too?” I asked.

“Well,” Pam giggled. “That was a good one…”

“Yeah,” I agreed, tightening the laces on Pam’s skates. “It’s not too tight is it?”

“That’s what she said!”

“Pam! Grow up!”

“Fine, asshole…and it’s not too tight,” Pam smiled, getting up shakily.

“Do you know how to skate?”

“No…”

“Wow…looks like you’re going to have to hold on to me, huh?”

“It looks that way, Halpert,” Pam grinned.

I helped Pam walk out into the ice, as Michael stormed past us like a mad man.

“Oh shit!” Pam squealed, clutching my arm tightly. “It’s slippery!”

“It’s called ice…” I laughed, gently pulling her forward. “Here, bend your knees a little, and then give a little push. You want to keep all your weight on your feet. That way, you won’t fall…”

“Okay, hold on,” Pam said, concentrating hard. She bent her knees…

“Okay, now you’re squatting…it looks like you’re taking a dump out on the ice. Like this,” I said, bending my knees slightly. Pam giggled, and then she began to slip. I caught her before she fell.

“This is useless,” Pam huffed. “Just pull me…”

“You really have to learn how to skate,” I said. “What if you robbed a bank and the getaway lake was frozen?”

“Then I’d getaway on the freeway, duh…”

“Fine, smartass,” I laughed, taking both of Pam’s hands. I began skating backwards, pulling Pam along. Things were going great, until I saw a blue blur coming towards me—Michael. All of a sudden, the wind was knocked out of me, and I fell on my back while Pam fell on top of me.

“Tag! You’re it!” Michael laughed, skating away.

“Michael! What was that for?” Holly yelled from the other side of the ice, skating towards Pam and me. “You could have hurt them!”

“Are you all right?” I asked Pam. Of course she was—she was giggling.

“Yeah, I’m fine…that was kind of fun. Thanks for trying to break my fall,” Pam said.

“No problem,” I laughed. Holly helped Pam up.

“Are you all right?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine…” Pam said, still giggling.

“Jim! Tag me back!” Michael said, skating past me.

“Here,” I said, ignoring Michael, and taking Pam’s hand again. “You’re going to learn how to skate on your own…”

“But I like to be pulled,” Pam persisted.

“Do I look like a sled dog?”

“Yes…”

“Well, I don’t mean to sound like a little girl,” I said, laughing. “But my ankle hurts…”

“Did Michael hurt it?” Pam asked, suddenly looking very concerned. I shook my head as Michael darted past with Holly holding on to his hockey stick, laughing.

“No…back when I played basketball, my tendon tore…sometimes it gets aggravated,” I told Pam.

“Oh, Jim…I’m so sorry…”

“Not that big of a deal,” I shrugged. Suddenly, I noticed that Pam and I had skated a lap around the rink. “Wait…you know how to skate?”

Pam smiled up at me, nodding.

“I just wanted to torture you some more for that one night,” Pam said. “I like ice skating…that’s why I was excited when Holly invited us.”

“Oh…I see how it is…”

“Well, if I knew about your ankle, I wouldn’t have made you pull me,” Pam said, wrapping her arm around mine. “I’m sorry…”

“Nah, it’s fine,” I smiled. “You looked pretty cute doing it anyway, so…”

*****
Later, the four of us went out to dinner at Cugino’s. Michael was staring over at a couple that was sitting across from our table, probably listening into their conversation. It was pretty hard not to listen in. I’m not one of those guys who get into other people’s business, but this was a pretty interesting conversation/argument:

“You called me stupid!” a little Indian girl cried.

“No, I said that your idea was stupid…”

“What’s so stupid about naming a baby Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor?”

“Don’t you see why that’s crazy?!” the guy asked in frustration.

“Oh! So I’m crazy now?”

I glanced over at Pam, raising my eyebrows, and she giggled, mouthing, “Wow!” Michael leaned over the table, and jerked his head, making me lean in.

“Dude,” Michael whispered. “I’m not gay or anything, but that guy is really hot…he’s like as hot as Holly, but in a different way…”

Before I could say anything, Holly leaned in.

“What are you guys whispering about?” she whispered, looking over at Michael and then to me.

“Michael thinks that…” I started to say, before Michael let out a loud cough.

“I was just telling Jim,” Michael said, clearing his throat. “That you’re the best…”

“Aw…” Holly smiled. “You are…”

“No, you…”

“You’re better…”

“You’re better than my best.”

“No, you’re the better-est.” Holly giggled. Yes, these people were about six years older than me…

Pam nudged me just as Michael and Holly began kissing.

“What was that about?” Pam mumbled, nodding her head at Michael.

“Oh, Michael thinks that guy over there is just as hot as Holly, but in a different way,” I replied, chuckling.

“Oh…wow…” Pam giggled. “Hey, Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re the best.” Pam said, silently giggling.

“Wow, Beesly,” I laughed. “I think you’re the best too.”

“That settles it. We’re both the best.”

“I’m glad we could agree,” I smiled, leaning over to kiss Pam.

“Whoa! Jimbo!” Michael suddenly exclaimed. “Is that a hickey?!”

“Ooh! It is a hickey!” Holly cried, laughing. “Naughty, naughty!”

“Pam and Jim, sitting in a tree,” Michael sang. “K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

“Dude, how old are you guys?” I laughed, leaning in to kiss a blushing Pam again.

“COOTIES!” Michael and Holly cried in unison, before breaking into a fit of laughter.

People ask me why I’m friends with Michael. Sometimes, I find myself asking the same question…

*****
“Pretty fun day, eh?” I asked when I had pulled into Pam’s driveway.

“Yeah,” she said quietly, smiling over at me. “I wish I could stay out tonight…”

“No, it’s cool,” I said.

“Well, after I drive my parents to the airport tomorrow, you want to come over?” Pam asked. “I could make you dinner, and we could watch a movie…”

“Sounds good,” I smiled, getting out of my car to walk Pam to her door. We silently walked up the porch steps towards Pam’s front door holding hands. Before Pam walked into her house, she smiled up at me.

“Come here…” Pam whispered. “I need to tell you a secret.”

I leaned down closer to Pam.

“I adore you,” she whispered into my ear, before she kissed me. It was a very passionate kiss.

“I adore you too,” I said. Pam let out a giggle.

“Well, I’ll see you tomorrow then,” she said, opening her front door. “Call me, okay?”

“Will do…see you later, Pam.”

“Goodnight, Jim…”

My dad and I have never been close. He had always been a football and baseball kind of guy, and I used to play basketball. That wasn’t the only thing though. My dad was always hard on my brothers and me. Okay, he’s an alcoholic. Growing up, Tom, Pete, and I would pretend to be sleeping as soon as it turned 8:00. The three of us would lay in our beds, our eyes shut tightly, praying that our father hadn’t been drinking. On the nights that he did drink, he would always find something wrong with a member of the family. Usually, when he did find something wrong, all of us would be in trouble. Whenever that happened, we’d get the belt…

Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad. He’s the only dad I have, you know? I understand that not everyone’s perfect, and my dad still took care of the family. He’s had a pretty rough childhood. From the stories I would hear on some of his drunken ramblings, he had it a lot worse than my brothers and me.

So when I heard the theme from Halloween blaring through my cell phone’s speaker, I knew who was calling.

“Hey, Dad,” I answered.

“So…I got this letter from the University of Scranton,” my dad started without preamble, “And they say that you’ve been accepted for their winter semester…”

“Yeah, I should have told you, I applied there…”

“Why?”

“Because I missed home, I guess,” I swear, Pam wasn’t the only reason why I wanted to move back to Scranton.

“So you just think that I’d pay for you to move all your things back to Scranton? And then that I’d pay for your out of state tuition?” my dad grumbled.

“I’m sorry, I just missed things here…”

“Jim, the only reason why I let you go to University of Colorado was because you got a full scholarship there…and once you leave that school, there goes your scholarship.”

“I know…”

“And CU’s got a pretty good English department,” my dad continued. “And there’s no way I’m paying tuition for you…”

“Right…” I mumbled. “I could get a job here, and I could pay for my own tuition…”

“And housing, utilities, books, and food? You really think a part time, minimum wage job will take care of all of that?” my dad asked.

“I could stay at Tom’s,” I replied, shrugging even though I knew my dad couldn’t see it.

“Jim, Tom and Linda need to live their own lives,” my dad said. “They just had Asher six months ago, and to even think that they would let you stay there is selfish of you.”

“Dad, I—“

“You never think before you act, Jim. And I know you’re an ‘adult’ now, but you still have a lot of growing up to do,” my dad sighed. “And I can’t support you switching schools. I think it’s in your best interest for you to stay at CU. You’re not moving back to Scranton, Jim.”

“Dad, I like it here. I’m happy here.”

“Jim, that’s just a sad part of life. If you liked it there so much, you shouldn’t have left. But even if you do decide that you want to go to school in Scranton, you’d have to pay out of state tuition, and that costs a fortune. I’m sorry, Jim…I really am, but you should just stick to CU. They have a better program there, and you have to think about your future. You’re not a kid anymore.”

“Fine,” I sighed. “I’ll talk to you later, Dad.”

“Your mom sends her love,” my dad grumbled, hanging up the phone.

*****
I’m pretty sure 80% of all women out there fake their orgasms. And just like the women in the world fake their orgasms, I’m extremely good at pretending that I’m happy. Pam and I had only three and a half more days together, and I want those three and a half days to be good, and not depressing.

I walked up the steps of Pam’s porch, and rang the doorbell. A couple of seconds later, I saw Pam’s gorgeous face smiling at me. Her hair, which was usually curly, was straightened today. God, she looked beautiful. And just like that, everything slipped from my mind. That’s how it is when I’m with Pam, I forget about all the negative things in my life, and it’s just her. To keep that smile on her face is the only thing that matters to me when I’m in her presence.

“You straightened your hair,” I said, leaning down to kiss her. “You look very, very beautiful…”

“I was bored,” Pam shrugged, smiling up at me. “So…here’s the thing, my parents left me a couple hundred bucks before they went to Italy to go grocery shopping. Do you want to go pick some food up for dinner?”

“Yeah,” I replied, rubbing my hands together. “I feel so domesticated…”

“What a dork…” Pam giggled, stepping out of her house, locking the door. “You want me to drive?”

“It’s up to you,” I replied, taking Pam’s hand as we walked down the porch.

“I feel like driving,” she said.

“Then you can drive…”

“Oh, I will. And I’ll drive the crap out of my car,” Pam laughed, unlocking her car doors. Pam and I both stepped into her car. As I was buckling my seatbelt, she reversed out of her driveway.

“So what are we having tonight?” I asked.

“My awesome chicken and cheese baked potatoes,” Pam replied. “I just hope that Gerrity’s has those gigantic potatoes today…sometimes they don’t…”

“That sounds good,” I smiled. “But what happens if they don’t have the gigantic potatoes?”

“Then…I will…I don’t know,” Pam giggled. “I could always make my lasagna, but that takes hours…”

“I could cook,” I offered.

“What’s your specialty?”

“Ham sandwiches, grilled cheese sandwiches, Italian sandwiches…”

“Dude, you sound like Bubba from Forest Gump, except instead of shrimp, you like sandwiches.”

“I could probably make a shrimp sandwich too…”

“Wow,” Pam laughed. “No offense, but I think I should cook tonight.”

“Fine, you jerk…” I said, pretending that Pam had hurt my feelings. Pam parked her car, and we made our way into Gerrity’s. Pam grabbed a cart, and pushed it towards me. “Oh, you want me to push it?”

“Yes,” Pam said as a matter of factly. “Hold it still, I want to get in…”

“You want me to push you in the cart? How old are you, Beesly?”

“Shut up, and hold it still!”

“Fine, sassy mcsassy pants,” I laughed, holding the cart still as Pam climbed in. She was adorable. Pam turned to face me, and pointed into the store.

“Onward, ho!” Pam exclaimed.

“Pam, I take offense when you call me mean names like that…”

“Well, I was going to say, ‘Let’s move, bitch!’ because I just totally made you my bitch,” Pam giggled. “Would you prefer me calling you Pam’s bitch? Because I totally will…”

“Fine, you can call me a ho,” I said, stopping in front of the vegetable section in front of the potatoes. “So do they have the so called gigantic potatoes?”

“Um…” Pam said, tapping her chin as she scanned through the potatoes. “They should…” Pam pointed. “Right there! Quick! Grab two of them! Hurry!”

“Okay…”

“Faster, Jim!”

“What’s the hurry?” I asked, chuckling as I grabbed two gigantic potatoes. They were about the size of a football… “Are these big enough?”

“They’re perfect,” Pam replied. So I put them in a bag as Pam said. “And I wanted you to hurry because you’re my bitch…and I knew I’d get a laugh out of you…”

“Well, you were right,” I said, handing Pam the bag. She gave me a hard look—as if she was examining me. “What?”

“Is something wrong?”

“No, why?”

“I don’t know…you seem…distracted today…”

“Oh,” I said. “No…nothing’s wrong…”

“Okay,” Pam said uncertainly.

*****
Dinner was great. Pam was a great cook. I knew this because she wouldn’t let me help her. Something I noticed about people that are really great cooks is that they don’t like it when people offer them help, and that’s what Pam was like. After we ate, we went into the living room, and began to watch Anchorman. Pam was leaning into me, and I would feel her body shake whenever she laughed.

“Hey, I was just thinking,” Pam said, “and this is totally random, but…where do you think the word ‘sandwich’ came from?”

“It probably came from some Latin origin or something…”

“Yeah, but…I just think it’s a weird word,” Pam mumbled, turning her face to face me. “I mean, every time I hear it, I think of some guy who invented the sandwich, and he’s frustrated because he doesn’t know what to call it. So to relieve some stress, he goes skinny dipping at a beach…then he got sand between his butt cheeks, and he’s like, ‘I gotta get this sand, which is between my buns…oh my god, I will call my invention the sandwich!’”

She looks up at me, her eyes wide, with a close lipped smile. She was adorable.

“Jeez, Pam, you must be a genius or something,” I laughed, leaning down to kiss her forehead.

“I know, right?” Pam smiles. “You want to know a secret?”

“Sure.”

“I like making you laugh.”

“Well, I like you making me laugh.”

*****
Pam and I were laying on a hammock in her backyard, gently rocking side to side.

“Hey! Look! A shooting star…” I said, pointing up at the sky.

“That’s an airplane…”

“Oh, well…quiet you,” I chuckled.

“I’m like an open book,” Pam suddenly said, turning on her side to face me. She brought up a hand, and began to stroke my hair. “You know almost everything about me.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“No, it’s not…but like my family, for example. You know that I’m close with them. I don’t even know what your parents do…”

“Yeah, you do…you know my dad works at Intel,” I said. “Not exactly sure what he does there exactly, but he works there. And my mom is an accountant…”

“Yeah, but you don’t talk about your parents…”

“There’s not much to say about them, you know?”

“Are you guys close?”

“My mom and I are close,” I told her.

“What about you and your dad?”

“Not so much…”

“Can I ask why?”

“Well…let’s just say he’s…uh…” How do I put this lightly? “Um…not very nice.”

“Oh,” Pam said, looking a little disappointed. “I’m sorry…if you don’t want to talk about it, then you don’t have to.”

“I just don’t think you would want to hear about it,” I reassured her. “It’s not a trust issue or anything.”

“Okay,” Pam said, nodding. “I was just curious…”

“Well…my dad used to beat my brothers and me,” I blurted out. I had never told anyone that before Pam. “He drank a lot back then, and yeah…”

“Oh, god…Jim, I’m sorry,” Pam said. “I never would have…”

“It’s fine,” I said, smiling at her. “Hey, there’s something else that I have to tell you…”

“What?”

“About three weeks ago, I sent an application to University of Scranton…” I began, swallowing. Pam looked up at me, nodding. Her face was difficult to read. “Well, I got accepted for winter semester.”

“Really?” Pam smiled. “That’s great!”

“Yeah…but…” I took a deep breath. “Here’s the thing, my dad’s not cool with it. I got a full ride at CU, which is why my dad let me go there. If I come back here, I’d have to pay out of state tuition…it’s a little too late to apply for scholarships. I can’t afford that…”

“Oh,” Pam said, looking crestfallen. She shook her head, as if she was trying to snap out of something, and forced a smile. “Do you like Colorado?”

“Yeah, it’s a great place,” I said. It was the truth, I liked it there. “But it’s not home, you know?”

“I know, but come on,” Pam said. “At least you’re doing something new, meeting new people. I wish I could go to school out of state…”

“It is an experience,” I agreed. “But it sucks that I have to leave here.”

“Why?”

“Because there’s this girl,” I smiled. “And I like her a lot…I love her, actually.”

“Really?” Pam grinned. “What’s she like?”

“Well, she has somewhat curly hair, but when she straightens it, she’s a knockout,” I said, holding up a finger. “And she makes me laugh, she’s smart, she’s warm, she’s easy to talk to, and…she brings out the best in me. It doesn’t hurt that she’s beautiful either…”

Pam smiled up at me, and kissed me on the cheek, and then looked back up at the sky. We laid in silence for awhile.

“I wish that we had more time together,” I said after a couple of minutes.

“Me too,” Pam said sadly. “It sucks. It really sucks…”

“I know,” I agreed, my chest feeling tight.

“But we’ll work our asses off to make it work,” Pam smiled. “And in case we can’t make it work, let’s make the most of what we have now.”

“Okay,” I promised, looking deeply into Pam’s eyes. She licked her lips, and I leaned in kissing her like I’ve never kissed anyone before—a meaningful kiss, a desperate kiss. I tried to tell her that there was nothing in the world that I wanted more than her with that kiss. I wanted her to know exactly how I felt whenever she would kiss me. I wanted her to know that I loved her. And Pam kissed me back as if she was reassuring me that she would do her best to make things work. That she wanted to make the most of the time that we had left together. Her fingers clutched to my hair, and then her hands slowly wandered down.

“Let’s go up to my room,” she whispered in my ear. I smiled up at her.

“And what are we going to be doing in there?” I teased. Pam giggled.

“Oh, I think you know what we’ll be doing up there,” Pam smiled, kissing me again.

*****
Before Pam, I had had slept with two other girls. As sad as it is to admit it, I had never slept with them out of love. It was for other reasons. Man reasons, you know? Pam was different from them. There was something about her that made me feel warm inside; even after we had done ‘the deed.’ With the other girls, I would be buckling my seatbelt, and driving home by now. With Pam, I was holding her as she slept. My hands were gently stroking her bare back. I watched her as she slept. Creepy, I know, but she was so beautiful. Her eyes were closed, her lips curved into a soft smile, she breathed quietly, and her hand was on my chest. I really was in love with her, and that was the most frightening feeling in the world. Bittersweet, actually. Holding onto a sleeping Pam was the greatest feeling in the world, but knowing that I would be leaving her in four days was the most painful feeling in the world. As Pam slept, I began to think of ways to make the most of our last four days we had left to be together…

“Hey, did you make this?” I asked Pam the next morning, holding up one of those things that girls wear on their heads to keep their hair back…I think it’s called a hair band? I don’t know. But it was pretty cool; there were feathers and stuff on it.

“Yeah, when I was like five,” Pam laughed, still laying in her bed.

“Wow…that’s impressive,” I said, scanning through her paintings that she had hung on the wall. “And you did all these?”

“Yeah,” Pam replied. “They’re not that great…”

“What are you talking about? These are amazing!” I said, examining a sketch of an old woman at a park feeding pigeons. “Seriously…they’re great.”

“You think so?”

“I know so…” I said, turning to smile at Pam. I held the hair band or whatever it was called up. “Hey, Pam…I want you to draw me wearing this…and only this.”

“Wow…” Pam laughed. “Whatever you say, Rose…”

“You know you want to,” I said, getting into the bed with Pam.

“I’m not going to lie, Jim, you do have a good body,” Pam said, kissing me.

“Yours isn’t so bad either,” I smiled. “But you’re going to have to draw me some other time. You should hop in the shower, I got some plans for us today…”

“Ooh, really? What are we going to do?” Pam asked, looking excited.

“That’s a surprise,” I said, tapping her nose with a finger.

“Fine, be a jerk,” Pam huffed, acting like I had hurt her feelings.

“Just get in the shower,” I laughed.

“Fine,” she said, getting up.

While Pam was in the shower, I quickly drove over to a convenience store down the street from her house. I bought some lunch meat, some juice, a small bag of ice, and a small icebox. Then I drove back to her house, and made a couple of ham and cheese sandwiches. When Pam got out of the shower, she looked surprised.

“What’s all this?” she asked, looking around at the icebox.

“We’re going on a trip,” I smiled. “My sister in law’s family has a beach house in Jersey…I called her earlier, and she said it’s cool if we stay there for a day.”

“Really?” Pam smiled, looking excited.

“Yup, so you should get some stuff packed,” I told her. “I’m going to run to Tom’s house real quick, and grab some of my things…”

“Okay,” Pam said, grinning widely.

“I’ll be right back,” I grinned, running out of Pam’s house.

*****
“Do you want some gas money?” Pam offered as we were driving on our way to New Jersey.

“Nah, it’s fine…it was my idea.”

“Yeah, but gas is pretty expensive…”

“It’s fine, Pam,” I laughed.

“Weird question, but where do you get your money from? Do you deal drugs on the side? Run a prostitution ring?”

“Both,” I chuckled. “Actually, I saved up a lot of money while I worked at Staples, and when my grandma passed, she left me some money…”

“Oh…um…that’s…”

“Yeah,” I shrugged. “We were close, but she was pretty sick. I’m sure she’s in a better place.”

“Yeah…see? There’s so much I don’t know about you!” Pam exclaimed.

“What do you want to know?”

“What’s your middle name?” Pam asked.

“Andrew…”

“Um…what’s the one thing you can’t do in front of anyone?”

“I think that one’s obvious, Pam…” I winked. She looked confused for a second, and then she made a disgusted face.

“Gross!” she said, slapping my arm.

“I was going to say that I can’t sing in front of anyone,” I laughed. “I don’t know what you were thinking…”

“Sure you were…” Pam giggled. “So you can’t sing in front of anyone?”

“I can’t,” I replied. “I don’t know…it’s not my thing, I guess.”

“Come on,” Pam said. “Singing isn’t so bad…”

“It is for me.”

“Oh, Jim, you are my little gentleman! I want to take you to foggy London town because you are my gentleman!” Pam sang.

“Wow…you’re a dork,” I laughed. “Anymore questions?”

“Yeah,” Pam nodded. “This is a really personal question, so if you don’t want to answer it, I understand.”

I took my eyes off the road for a second to see Pam giving me a sincere look, and I nodded.

“There’s no right way of asking this, so I’m just going to say it,” Pam said, taking a deep breath. “Are you a dog person or a cat person?”

I let out a laugh. “Oh, man…way to back me into a corner, Pam,” I said in a serious tone. “Definitely a dog person. What about you?”

“A dog person…dogs are the best,” Pam replied. “I want a Scottish Terrier so bad…and I will name him Patrick.”

“That’s cute,” I chuckled. “I used to have a Scottie…I called her Chewie…short for Chewbacca.”

“Aw…” Pam giggled. “So you’re a Star Wars nerd?”

“No,” I replied. “I just like the movies…”

“Sure…you probably have a Princess Leia poster in your room, and you do unspeakable acts with it.”

“You’re gross,” I laughed.

“So you’re not denying it then?” Pam asked, grinning widely.

“To be honest, she wasn’t my type,” I replied.

“Oh, so what’s your type? Ooh! Which celebrity would you do?”

“Zooey Deschanel,” I replied, not having to think. Zooey Deschanel was gorgeous.

“Who?”

“Come on, the girl from Elf?”

“Oh, her? She looks so plain…”

“That’s why I like her,” I said, passing a slow moving truck. “Who would you do?”

“Jake Gyllenhaal…”

“Donnie Darko?”

“Yes, sir…you should have seen him Jarhead…” Pam said, pretending to squirm in her seat. “Hot damn!”

“Oh…”

“You’re hotter though,” Pam chuckled, taking my hand for reassure me that I was. She was so sweet…

*****
About three and half hours later, we finally reached the beach house. Wow, it was bigger than I remembered…I had only been there once before with Tom and my other brother Pete to go surfing.

“I thought you said it was a little beach house…” Pam said, looking up at the tall house. “This is pretty big…”

“I remembered it being smaller…” I said, scratching my head. Was I even at the right house? “Maybe they renovated it, or something.”

“What exactly do Linda’s parents do?” Pam asked, getting out of my car.

“Well, her dad’s a plastic surgeon, and he runs his own practice,” I replied, grabbing our bags from the trunk. “But this could be the wrong house…”

“Should you call Linda?”

“Nah, if the key doesn’t work, then obviously it’s the wrong house,” I laughed, walking up to the front door. I inserted the key and turned. The door popped open. “Looks like it’s the right house,” I smiled.

Pam and I both let out a whistle when we stepped in. The house had hardwood floors, nice white leather couches, and a big kitchen. Yeah, Linda’s parents definitely fixed the place up.

“Wow, Jim,” Pam grinned. “This place is…wow…”

“Yeah…look out the back,” I said, pointing to a sliding glass door. “The beach is right there…”

“Very nice,” Pam beamed. “Maybe I should give up art and become a plastic surgeon.”

“No,” I said seriously. “You’re good at what you do…”

“Aw, gee, Jim, thanks,” Pam giggled, giving me a kiss. “I wish I brought my sketchbook…”

“Ten bucks says there’s a Wal-Mart around here somewhere,” I laughed. “Want to go see?”

“Sure,” Pam said. “But we should put our stuff away…”

“Yeah, we should check out the bedrooms…there are probably about a thousand in here,” I laughed.

“That could be a good thing,” Pam said, looking out the window. “Because I see about three guys out there, and they look pretty good…”

“Oh, I see how it is,” I said, acting hurt. “Well, I should get back to Scranton then…”

“Aw, Jim, I was only kidding,” Pam said, giving me a tight hug. “You’re the best looking guy in the whole wide world!”

“That’s funny…I say that every time I see myself in the mirror,” I joked.

Pam and I went upstairs, and dumped our things in the first room that we found. We then walked around the boardwalk to look for an art supply store. Pam found a store called the Renaissance Group, and I bought her a new sketchbook, some charcoals, and some colored pencils.

“You really didn’t have to pay for these…” she said, looking up at me with a sad expression. I bent down and kissed her nose.

“It’s no big deal,” I shrugged, looking down at my watch—4:00. “Do you want an early dinner? Are you hungry?”

“Yeah, I’m starving,” Pam said, rubbing her stomach. “What’s good here?”

*****
Pam sat out on the deck, her sketchbook on her lap, drawing the ocean shore. Her face was full of concentration, and on occasion, she would glance up from her sketchbook, bite her bottom lip, and look up at the ocean. She was adorable. I was listening to Arcade Fire’s Funeral album on my iPod, and reading Harry Potter and the Halfblood Prince. I don’t care if people think I’m dorky, Harry Potter is awesome. Pam poked my rib with a pencil.

“Are you done?” I asked, taking my headphones out of my ears. “Let me see…”

“It’s not that great,” she said shyly, handing her sketchbook over to me. Her drawing was wonderful…she had caught all the different shades of blue from the ocean, the sand looked like real sand, and it was just incredible.

“Pam, this is awesome,” I smiled. “Seriously…you’re going to do great things…”

“Whatever,” Pam laughed, taking the sketchbook from me. “Quit being all sweet…”

“I’m being serious!” I laughed. “Pam, you’re great…you have more talent in your left pinky toe then I have in my whole body.”

“I don’t know, Jim…I mean, after last night…” Pam giggled. “But…don’t put yourself down like that, Jim. I’m serious.”

“I don’t put myself down,” I said, shrugging.

“I’m just saying, you’re a talented guy,” Pam smiled. “You’re good at almost everything.”

“Aw, shucks,” I said, pretending to blush. I got up, and pulled Pam up, and grabbed a blanket off of a chair. “Let’s go for a walk…there’s barely anyone on the beach.”

Pam and I walked along the shoreline. The cold water hit our shins as the sand tickled our feet. The sun was set, the sky was dark blue. Pam leaned against me as we walked with my arm wrapped around her waist. Even Heaven couldn’t be this good.

“So, I was thinking,” Pam said quietly. “You have a pretty nice voice…like when you talk. It’s all deep and soothing.”

“Thanks,” I chuckled. “The ladies usually call me Barry White…”

“Anyway,” Pam giggled, gently ramming into me. “I bet you have a good singing voice…”

“Too bad you’re never going to hear it,” I told her. “I don’t even sing in the shower; unless I know that no one’s home.”

“Aw…I just wanna hear you sing, Jim…”

“Maybe in another life…” I laughed. “Dude, so while you were drawing, I finished reading Harry Potter…and Harry got with Ron’s sister.”

“And I care why?” Pam laughed. “Harry Potter is for losers…”

“Well, I guess I’m the coolest loser in the world,” I retorted. “I just thought you should know…”

“Wow, you’re such a dork, Jim.”

“What can I say? I like to read…”

“That’s why you’re an English/Journalist major…duh…”

“Yeah,” I shrugged. “I don’t know if I want to get into journalism…I think I might just stick with English. It would be cool to be a teacher…”

“Or a writer,” Pam suggested. I shook my head.

“I have nothing to write about, Pam,” I replied.

“I’m sure you do.”

“Actually, I have thought about it,” I admitted. “Hey do you want to sit here?”

“Sure,” Pam replied. I laid the blanket down across the sand, and waited for Pam to sit. “What would you want to write about?” Pam asked when she had sat down.

“For some reason, I’m a sucker for sad stories,” I said, resting my head on Pam’s lap. “Like those incredibly crazy, sad stories…”

“Weirdo,” Pam laughed. I loved the way she brushed my hair back with her hand. “Do you have any ideas?”

“A few,” I replied, taking my iPod out of my pocket, and handing an ear bud to Pam. “But it’s pretty dark, morbid stuff…”

“Let’s hear it,” Pam said, putting the ear bud in her ear. I played the playlist of the mix I had made for Pam earlier in the week.

“Essentially, the story is about a guy that lost both of his parents right before he turned eighteen. He lived with his abusive uncle for awhile, and when he turned eighteen, he goes off to college. He goes through some crappy relationships throughout the years, and blah blah blah…then eventually, he meets the girl of his dreams. But he gets a brain tumor, and he has a seizure while he’s at the girl’s house. She tries to drive him to a hospital, but on the way, they get rammed by a drunk driver…she dies, but he lives, and he refuses to get surgery. Pretty much, that’s all I have,” I said.

“Sounds pretty dark,” Pam said, stroking my hair. “But that’s definitely a book that I’d read.”

“You’re probably the only one,” I laughed.

“You should definitely write it…maybe add some humor in there.”

“For sure,” I chuckled. “If I ever write it, and for some reason it gets published, I want you to do the cover art.”

Pam giggled. I sat up, and wrapped my arms around her.

“Hey, Jim?”

“Hey, Pam?”

“I really liked today…I loved it, actually…”

“I loved it too, Pam.”

“Thanks for taking me here.”

“Thank you for coming with me.”

“Who sings this song?” Pam asked.

“Iron and Wine,” I replied. “It’s called ‘Sea and the Rhythm.’”

“It’s pretty…”

“I concur,” I said, taking a deep breath. I had never done this before, but she wanted to hear me sing….what I’m about to do will probably be the most embarrassing moment of my life:
“Tonight, we're the sea and
the rhythm there
the waves and the wind and night is black
tonight we're the scent of your
long black hair
spread out like your breath
across my back
Your hands they move like waves over me
beneath the moon, tonight, we're the sea”

Pam giggled. “Wow…that was….uh…sweet.”

“Shut up,” I laughed, my face burning. “I told you that I have a terrible voice.”

“Yeah…but it wasn’t that bad,” Pam said, kissing me. “You were somewhere between William Hung and Bjork.”

“I hate you.”

“No you don’t.”

“Nah,” I said, holding Pam tighter. “I really don’t.”

Her warm hand was wrapped around mine. The monitor in front of was blue and blurry. Incoherent announcements were like white noise. I felt her head resting on my shoulder, her hair tickling the side of my face. Countless number of people, businessmen, businesswomen, small children, young couples, and families rushed to their destinations, dragging their rolling suitcases along to their gates. I would be leaving soon.

Five, I Love You So Much

The sound of waves crashing against each other and the music from my iPod was soothing. Pam was lying next to me, her arm across my torso, and her head resting against my chest.

“Are you still awake?” Pam asked softly.

“Yeah,” I replied.

“Are you tired?”

“No.”

“Then let’s talk about something…”

“Okay. Um…” I thought. “You know what I want to do later in life…what do you want to do?”

“Um…I don’t know…” Pam mumbled.

“Sure you do,” I said. “You don’t have like a secret ambition or whatever?”

“Well…I do,” Pam said. “But like you said, it’s a secret.”

“Oh, so you’re going to play that game, Beesly?” I chuckled. “Come on, you know I won’t judge.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“I want my own art gallery…like sell my paintings and stuff, you know?” Pam replied. “But I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough to do that…”

“Whatever, Pam. You’re drawings are really awesome. You’re really talented…seriously, you have more talent in your pinky toe than I have in my own body.”

“No…”

“Yes you do. Like I always told you, you have to take a chance on something sometime.”

Pam smiled. “Okay.”

“You promise?”

“Yeah, I promise,” Pam replied.

I always thought that sunsets were overrated. I mean, anyone can stay out till 9:00 to watch the sun setting, you know? Sunrises are better—especially if you’re witnessing it with the girl of your dreams. So we watched as the sun rose out on the horizon, and that bittersweet feeling crept up again. I only had one more full day with her…

Pam and I had slept in for most of the day, and at 5:00, we drove back to Scranton. I spent the night with Pam again, and I wished that I could always spend my nights with Pam forever…

It’s funny how fast, yet slow, that a week goes by. Especially if in the span of the one week, you learn what it’s like to truly fall in love with someone. Some people would say that I’m crazy for falling for Pam so fast, but I know I’m not. Falling in love with Pam was a long process. I spent a full year of getting to know her and laughing with her. I spent the last month and a half seeing her beautiful face. I spent the last week kissing and holding her.

“So are you glad that you and Dwight are roommates again?” Pam asked, letting out a giggle that seemed forced. I knew that she was trying to lighten up the tension.

“God…I don’t know how that happened,” I said, shaking my head. “But I guess it’s all right…Dwight isn’t so bad.”

“Yeah…”

“So I got something for you,” I said, bending down to grab my bag off of the floor. I took a package out of my bag, and handed it to Pam.

“Thanks,” she smiled. “Can I open it?”

“No, I want you to throw it away,” I teased. “Of course you can open it.”

Pam unwrapped the package, and her mouth dropped. I had Michael make a custom sketchpad for Pam. It wasn’t much, I just had Dunder Mifflin engrave Pam’s name on the cover along with “Taking Chances.”

“It’s not much,” I said. “I know you just bought a new sketchpad, but you can always use this later…”

“Jim…” Pam smiled. “I love it!”

“That’s good,” I chuckled.

“Thank you.”

“Nah, it’s nothing.”

Pam leaned over, and gave me a kiss.

“So I’m expecting big things from you, Pam,” I smiled. “Don’t let me down.”

“I won’t.”

I gave Pam a smile, and looked up at the giant clock in front of me. It was time to go…the security check line was growing longer, and if I didn’t leave now, I’d miss my flight. It wouldn’t be so bad if I did, but…I had to go. I looked over at Pam again, and she must have realized that it was time for me to go. She gave me a sad smile and a nod.

“It’s time to go…” she sighed.

“Yeah…” I said, getting up off my chair, and slinging my messenger bag over my shoulder. I looked over at Pam, and she had a sad smile on her face, her eyes watering. If there was one thing that set Pam apart from the other girls I knew, it was that she rarely cried unless she had a good reason.

“So…um…” Pam said awkwardly.

“Yeah,” I shrugged. “I’ll call you when I land, yeah?”

“Yeah…” Pam said, leaning in to hug me. “I’m going to miss you…”

“You too,” I said softly. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Pam said, giving me a quick kiss. She nodded her head towards the security check. “You should go.”

“Right,” I sighed.

Without looking back, I walked towards the security check. When I got in line, I looked back, and Pam gave me one last wave. And that was the last I saw of Pam.

Six, I Love You So Much

On my last full day in Scranton, I went out to say goodbye to Michael and Holly. Michael gave me Pam’s sketchbook that I had ordered from his company. Apparently, they made custom notepads, so I had Michael order a custom sketchbook for Pam. After a tearful hug from Michael, I went out to meet Tom and Linda for lunch. I thanked them for letting me crash at their house, and they told me that they’d see me in Portland for Christmas. I wanted to ask if I can come back next summer, but I didn’t want to intrude. Tom and Linda went back to work, and I went back to their house to drop my car off, and waited for Pam. When Pam came to pick me up, we drove back to her house so that I could drop off my things. Pam was going to drive me to the airport the next day.

The rest of our day was silent. I had so many things that I wanted to tell Pam. I wanted to tell her that I didn’t want to go, and that I wish that I had never left Scranton. But then, the reasonable side of my brain told me that I was only eighteen years old, and that I was too young to feel this way about anyone.

We sat out on a bench swing in Pam’s backyard. Our bodies were tangled, and we were still silent. In the end, there really was nothing more that we could say to each other. We had our closure…we didn’t need to say out loud that there was going to be too much distance. We already knew that. Instead, we enjoyed our last hours that we had together. In silence.

That night, Pam and I made love one last time. I memorized every curve of her face, every curve of her body, the soft feel of her face, and the sweet smell of her hair. In that moment, I told her everything that I felt about her without saying a word. I was sure that Pam understood.

And then Pam spoke. After hours of saying nothing but “Hi,” “Great,” and “Yeah, I’m hungry,” Pam told me one thing that I always loved hearing: “I love you, Jim.”

“I love you too, Pam,” I whispered, kissing each one of her fingers.

*****
When I landed in Colorado, it was as if nothing had changed. The mountains were still there, the fields were yellow from the lack of rain, and it was hot as hell. I found the shuttle to Boulder, and I gave the driver the instructions to my dorm. I gave my parents a call, and I called Tom to let him know that I was home…but I wasn’t home. This place wasn’t home.

When I entered my dorm suite, I saw a guy that I didn’t know, and Dwight putting up Battlestar Gallactica posters on his doorway.

“Hey-Yo!” the stranger exclaimed, holding his hand out. “My name is Andrew Bernard, and you must be Jimothy Halpert! Pleased to meet you, big guy.”

“It’s Jim,” I frowned, shaking Andy’s hand. I looked over to Dwight, who was still preoccupied. “Hey, Dwight.”

“Hello, Jim,” Dwight said, not looking up. “Can you please tell Andrew Bernard that I only require three hours of sleep a night, and that he should watch his back? Thank you.”

I gave Andy a confused look.

“Oh, I got the old shun-a-roony,” Andy chuckled. “Dwight over there doesn’t seem to appreciate A Capella…”

“Oh,” I said.

“So big Jim,” Andy said as I walked over to my room. “Did you have a good summer?”

I unlocked my door, and stepped in my room. “Yeah,” I said. “It was great…” I gave Andy a quick wave, before I shut my door.

It was great, I thought, not realizing that for the first time since I was fourteen, tears were falling from my eyes.

10 Years Later

“Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin. Please hold, I’ll transfer you.”

The phone rang.

“Jim Halpert,” I answered. “Yes, Mr. Walters, I believe the shipment went out this morning. Hold on one sec, and I’ll double check…Yup, the shipment should be arriving at around 1:00. Yes sir, no problem.”

I hung up my phone, and sighed.

Its funny how sometimes things don’t turn out the way you expect them to. Ten years ago, if you were to tell that I would be working at a failing, mid-range, paper company, I would have laughed in your face. In fact, ten years ago, I always envisioned myself standing in front of a classroom, giving a lecture on The Grapes of Wrath, but what can you do?

Also, ten years ago, if you were to tell me that I would have gotten kicked out of college for a crime I didn’t commit, I would have never believed it. So here’s the abridged version of how I got kicked out of school, and ended up moving back to Scranton to work at Dunder Mifflin under Michael Scott:

Near the end of my Junior year at University of Colorado, I became an RA. I also became pretty good friends with a guy named Mark. What I didn’t know about Mark was that he snorted a ton of cocaine, and he would sometimes hide his stash in my room; without my knowledge…

So my old roommate Dwight, who was also an RA, did his monthly (over) inspections, and when he got to my room, he found Mark’s stash of coke. Dwight, the guy that takes things way too seriously, did the right thing, and turned me in. Thus, I got expelled. I was never mad at Dwight. He was just doing his job. But to this day, I still have an urge to kick Mark’s ass. The jerk denied everything.

After all of that happened, I moved to Portland to stay with my parents for about three or four years. One day, Michael gave me a call, and offered me a job. At that time, I was a shift supervisor at one of the many Barnes & Noble, so I took the job offer. Plus, it was pretty sad being a twenty-two year old guy, living in his parents’ basement. So there you have it. I’ve been working here at Dunder Mifflin for the last six years…

“Hey, Halpert,” Karen smiled, leaning against my desk.

“Hey, Filipelli. What’s up?”

“Just bored…so about our date tonight, I have I cancel,” Karen frowned, “Some of my old friends from Stamford are in town, so…”

“Yeah, no problem,” I smiled. “I’ll take you out some other time.”

“Thanks,” Karen said, leaning down to kiss my cheek. “I’ll see you later, yeah?”

“Yeah,” I said, watching Karen walk back to her desk. “Later, Filipelli.”

I’ve been seeing Karen for the last eight months. I guess it’s safe to assume that things are going well. She’s a great woman: she’s smart, she’s funny, and she’s beautiful. Karen has long brown hair, olive skin, and big brown eyes. She’s pretty foxy, I’m not going to lie…and for the most part, I’m happy with her. Sure, she hogs the blankets (and the remote) whenever she sleeps over at my apartment, and she always makes me cut my hair, but she’s safe. Safe is good, right?

I met Karen through work. The Scranton branch absorbed the Stamford branch a couple of months ago, and she worked at the Stamford branch. After her first week, I asked her out for coffee, and ever since then, she kind of assumed that we were dating. For awhile, I wanted to tell her that I was just being friendly, but…eight months is pretty late for that.

“Jimbo!” Michael called from his office. “Can you come in here, please?”

I slowly got up from my chair, and took my time walking into Michael’s office. Michael smiled up at me.

“So what are your plans for tonight, big guy?”

“Well, I—”

“You should swing by our place for dinner tonight,” Michael interrupted.

“Michael, I—”

“Holly and I both know that you never do anything, so I won’t take no for an answer, my friend,” Michael said. “Believe me; you want to come over tonight.”

“Why? Did you guys get a crib, and you need my help installing it?” I asked. Holly was five months pregnant.

“No…but now that you mention it, we really should,” Michael mumbled. He shook his head. “No, we have a surprise for you, big guy!”

“What kind of—”

“Nope, no…no one likes a spoiler,” Michael smiled. “Just be at my condo by seven, okay?”

*****
I got home from work at around 5:30. I took a shower, put on an old CU shirt, and made my way to Michael and Holly’s condo an hour later.

Michael and Holly have been married for last three years, and they’re as happy as can be. Before I left to Colorado, I sort of looked down on Michael. I know that sounds mean, but honestly, he was twenty-three, and he hung out with me. He was also in a very abusive relationship with this girl named Jan, and he worked at Staples. But now I look at him, and in a weird way, I envy him. Michael found his soul mate, has a way better job than I do, and he’s happy. As Michael would say, “My how the turntables…”

I walked up their driveway to the front door. Before I could ring the doorbell, a beaming Michael pulled open the door, and pulled me in.

“Wow,” I said, rubbing my forearm. “There really was no need to do that.”

“I’m just excited to see you out and about, buddy,” Michael exclaimed, leading me to the living room. I saw Holly in the kitchen.

“Hey, Holly,” I said, walking over to give her a hug. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m doing well,” Holly smiled, rubbing her pregnant belly, which was fairly large for being only five months pregnant. “Michael and I are having twins! We just found out today!”

“What?” I asked. Holly beamed, and nodded. I smiled over at Michael. “Is that the big surprise?”

“ Oh no, no, no…your surprise is forthcoming, Jim,” Michael said, Holly nodding enthusiastically behind him.

“Aw, Holly, you’re not making soft shell crab for me, are you?” I joked. “It’s not even my birthday…”

“What?” Holly asked.

“Never mind,” I said, just as the doorbell rang. I saw Michael and Holly exchanging smiles as Michael rushed over to answer the door. Then I saw her…

“Pam!” Michael yelled in excitement.

I was frozen in the middle of the hallway, watching Michael and Holly attacking Pam with hugs. Pam…I haven’t seen her in ten years. I haven’t even thought about her for years, and here she was. She was gorgeous. Her hair was straighter now, and her smile was even more radiant than before.

Pam looked up at me after Michael had finally released his hug, and she looked just as shocked as I did.

I was never one to date anything. I guess it’s pretty stupid of me to keep a journal and not date anything, but I hope to one day read over this. And although I’ll never have a specific date, I’m pretty sure that I would vaguely remember how I was feeling on a particular day. I don’t even know what to write in here, but Professor Ferencko said that all great writers kept journals. I should have raised my hand, and asked for some names. Journals are over rated. But who knows? Maybe one day I’ll get in an accident and damage my hippocampus. This could be my own personal Notebook. What a terrible movie.

Fin.

I realized today that I don’t have many friends that I can talk to.

Fin.

I went to Target today for a side table. I ended up getting a pound of Jelly Belly’s.

Fin.

It’s been a year since I’ve seen her. I’ve had this claustrophobic, tight feeling in my chest. It’s as if there’s an elephant sitting on my chest. I never even wanted to leave. I have a feeling that I have just made the biggest mistake of my life.

Fin.

Dwight and Andy are chasing after some girl named Angela. Dwight’s making a knife with a knife. Just how many times his mother dropped him on his head is a mystery.

Fin.

Talked to her today…she sounds happy. For some reason, that really pisses me off.

Fin.

I got a plane ticket to go back to Scranton.

Fin.

Why do I always have to sit in between a fat guy and a woman who squirted way too much perfume on planes? Why couldn’t I be sitting in between a beautiful girl and some awesome magician? I hate plane rides. Every time I see someone shift in their seat, I’m 90% sure that they’re passing gas. It must really be hard to be a flight attendant. They’re always smiling. Sure they get to go to places that I could never imagine myself going to, but is the smell of sulfur burning their nostrils worth it? Oh, some guy just grabbed the flight attendant’s ass…and she’s still smiling. Oh well, I can’t wait to see Pam.

Fin.

Saw her today. She was beautiful.

Fin.

I got drunk last night. She wasn’t there, but she was always on my mind. She just wants to be friends. There is nothing worse than a girl that you love telling you that she just wants to be friends. I then decided to drunk dial her. I said, “You know I’ll always be in love with you, right?” She said, “You’re not going to remember that in the morning.” I promised her that I would, and I did remember. I just hope she knows that I meant it.

Fin.

It’s funny how plans work. Usually, it takes two people to make a plan, sometimes it takes one. I’m back in Colorado, and I talked to Pam about ten minutes ago. We talked about going to fancy restaurants and pretending to be Iron Chef judges. Something tells me that we’ll never have an opportunity to do that. It’s scary how disappointed I feel. It’s even scarier how I was laughing ten minutes ago, and now not a single thing in the world seems remotely funny.

Fin.

When a man is born, he’s born with an invisible armor. He can withstand life’s big obstacles, and he’ll live to tell the tale. He’ll be able to get over all the bullies, the bad grades he got in his math classes, and his fears. He’s wreck less, and he becomes confident. And one day, he’ll fall for a girl. The armor will wear out, and he’s left feeling vulnerable. This girl will soon become the reason he awakes in the morning, the reason he smiles, the reason he cries, and the reason he breaths. My armor has shed, and I feel so vulnerable.

Fin.

She’s going to France. Andy threw my phone at Dwight’s head, and now it’s dead. She’s going to France, and I want nothing more than to say goodbye. Unfortunately, I relied on technology too much. I never even bothered to memorize her number. I wanted nothing more than to say goodbye to her, and it looks like I got my wish. What a stupid kid I am.

Fin.

I constantly stare down at this notebook. I wonder to myself why it is that I cannot spill my heart and soul out in here when millions of others were able to spill theirs into their notebooks. Then I realized something. I’m not an open book. Maybe it’s a good thing that I’m not, but at the same time, I wish someone would just ask me how I’m doing. I’m surrounded by a group of people, all laughing, sharing jokes. I sit in the middle, and I help by adding more fuel into the fire of jokes. That’s what I am. I’m a joker. Even in the most serious of situations, I’ll make a joke. It’s because I can’t deal. And now, I’m the guy who is supposed to make people laugh…to make them feel better about themselves. The only person who makes me feel better about myself is gone. Now I’m left to wonder if I relied too heavily on her.

Fin.

I don’t even know why I’m writing in here anymore. I’m expelled from school. Fucking Mark…I didn’t even know that shit was in my room. Dwight did seem genuinely sorry when he found out it wasn’t mine. He can be a good guy. I’m moving back to Scranton. I’m going to work under Michael. That’s what she said. Fuck…

Fin.

Michael threw a Guys in the Workplace seminar in the warehouse today. He thought it would be fun to throw paper in the air. I got three paper cuts…I hate paper cuts. I need to get out of here. I need to write. Not here though. I just want to write a fucking novel. Girls these days seem to be into Twilight and vampires. Maybe I’ll write a book about a centaur. I just need one great idea.

Fin.

I saw her in the newspaper today. She has her own gallery in LA. Congratulations, Pam. I would get your number from Michael and Holly, but I’m too big of a coward.

Fin.

Her book got published. I picked up a copy of it today. I always wanted a coffee table book, and now with each turn of the page, I could see her beautiful artwork. She truly is talented. I’m proud of her.

Fin.

Why the hell are Jelly Belly’s so delicious? Re-watched The Dark Knight today for the hundredth time and it was awesome. I wonder who would win if Christian Bale and a young Gary Busey got in a fight?

Fin.

There’s a new girl in the office. Her name’s Karen, and she’s a pretty bold girl. We went out tonight. The sad thing is, I can’t even remember the last time I’ve dated, and I don’t even know if Karen’s the one I really want to date. It’s pathetic. You’re supposed to be in control of your body and your thoughts. If that’s so, then why am I confused all the fucking time?

Fin.

This situation, I suppose, that I’m in can’t be healthy. How is it that a great, funny woman like Karen can like me, and I slowly despise her more and more everyday? How is that fair? Why am I even letting this drag on for as long as it has? I guess I know the answer, but I’m in denial. If there is a God, I just want you to know that I’m sorry because I know, as selfish and conceited as it sounds, that I’m going to hurt one of your children. And if you are there, I wish you could answer me one question: Why am I so weak?

Fin.

In the past ten years or so, I have fucked six women, and made love to one. Karen’s in the fuck category.

Fin.

I saw Pam tonight. She’s engaged…

Fin.

It was as if everything in Michael and Holly’s condo faded away. There was only Pam. She stood there, still wearing a shocked expression. Slowly, her expression softened. Pam was smiling now.

“Oh my God! Jim!” exclaimed Pam, rushing over to me, embracing me in a hug. I breathed in her hair…it still smelled the same. She still felt the same…so familiar, so warm. At that moment, it was as if all the blanks that were missing in my life were filling in.

“He’s my god too, Beesly,” I joked. I felt her arms around me loosen. Pam let out a laugh.

“Wow…Jim! It’s been so long!” said Pam, stepping back to examine me. “Didn’t you turn out to be one dapper fella?”

“Well, you’ve grown into quite the beautiful woman, but yes. I am pretty dapper, aren’t I?” I joked again. Wow, I really need to cool it with the lame jokes. But Pam laughed again.

“So how have you been?” we asked at the same time, letting out an awkward chuckle.

“Pretty good,” we both replied. More awkward laughter.

Pam’s eyes started to shift toward Holly.

“Wow, you’re getting huge, Holly!”

“Yeah…I feel like a whale. Pretty soon Green Peace is going to try to send me back into the ocean,” laughed Holly. “Well, dinner’s pretty much ready…I just have to do a couple of things. I’ll be back.”

“Oh, I’ll come with you,” said Pam. She turned to me and added, “We should catch up after dinner, yeah?”

“Sure…yeah, that sounds good,” I stammered. Pam gave me another smile and followed Holly into the kitchen. I turned to Michael who was wearing a smile fit for a victor.

“Surprise, Jimbo!”

“You should have told me that Pam was in town, man…” Michael shook his head.

“Every time I do, you always bail, man. Do the kids still say bail? I really want to be the cool dad…”

“I don’t bail,” I protested. “It’s bad timing whenever Pam comes to town. I’m usually busy…”

“Busy with what? Watching ECPN?”

“ESPN,” I corrected him. Michael shook his head again, and led me to the garage.

“Man time,” said Michael, “just you and me, big guy.”

Michael walked over to the refrigerator next to his new Sebring (who knew that Chrysler would still be in business in 2018?), and grabbed two beers.

“Pam’s looking really good, eh, Jim?” asked Michael, handing me a beer.

“Dude, it’s been like ten years,” I said, cracking open my beer. “I’m pretty sure she’s moved on. Hell, even I moved on.”

As I said that, I secretly hoped that Pam had never moved on. I imagined her crying at night, whispering/pleading for me to come and save her from her chasm of loneliness. Michael popped that button in an instant.

“So you’re happy with Karen?”

To kill time, I sipped my beer. Like I said before, Karen was safe.

“Yeah,” I lied. “I guess I am.”

“I call bullshit, sir!” Michael exclaimed loudly, hitting one of the fingers of his hand chair. “Karen is hot, but she is boring! Plus, Pam’s got huge knockers, man! Well, Karen does look pretty good from behind, but—”

“Okay, well, good talk, Michael,” I said, getting up. Michael lunged for my arm, causing me to spill most of my beer onto my shirt. “Damn it, Michael!”

“That’s a crappy shirt anyway,” shrugged off Michael. “At least try to get back with Pam.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re boring now. I mean, you were pretty boring even back when we were kids, but god, being in a room with you is like being in a hospital. Sick people, Jim! I hate sick people!”

Before I could retort, Holly called for us.

“Come on, guys! Dinner’s ready!”

We walked back into the condo. I knew Michael wanted to say more, but I didn’t want to hear it. It was bad enough that I agreed with him, I didn’t need to hear him talking about how boring I was now. In fact, I thought as I sat down at the dining table across from Pam, I am boring now. I looked down at my plate, and grimaced. Holly made her pot roast. Imagine stuffing a bag of unseasoned beef jerky into your mouth, and that’s what Holly’s pot roast is.

“This looks great,” I lied, smiling over at Holly.

“Thank you, Jim! I’m pretty sure there’ll be plenty leftover for you to take home with you,” smiled Holly.

“I can’t wait,” I muttered, and to my surprise, Pam giggled softly.

“So Pam,” said Michael, his mouth full of the dried beef. “How are things in New York? Jim, did you know Pam lives in New York? It’s only a few hours drive…”

I looked up at him, and fervently shook my head. Holly copied me, but Michael’s attention was on Pam.

“New York is great,” said Pam. “Some of my work was featured at the art museum.”

“Really? That’s awesome! Jim over here has been selling paper like nobody’s business!” said Michael. “Maybe after dinner you guys can go out, and have a couple of drinks!”

I was ready to stab Michael in the neck with my fork, but Pam smiled at me.

“Yeah, I’d like that,” said Pam. My heart stopped. “What about you, Jim? We could catch up…”

“What? No, I mean, yeah,” I stammered. “That sounds great!”

I quickly focused all of my attention on cutting my leather boot-like slab of pot roast. There was an elated feeling in my chest, and I wanted to cry up to the heavens in joy. I was so elated that I didn’t even notice Holly silently mouthing words to Michael, and I didn’t even notice Michael’s smile beginning to falter.

*****
“Thanks for dinner, Holly,” Pam said, holding up a hundred pound plastic container filled with half of the leftover pot roast. “These will make excellent sandwiches for lunch tomorrow!”

“No problem, Pam,” said Holly, giving Pam a tight hug. “I’ll see you in a couple of days, all right?”

“Definitely,” smiled Pam. She turned to give Michael a hug. “See you later, Michael.”

“Bye-bye, Pam!” called out Michael. “You guys have fun!”

“Later, Holly,” I said, giving Holly a hug. “Thank you for the dinner and the leftovers.”

“No problem,” said Holly, giving me a strange look. It was almost sympathetic.

“Bye, Jimbo!” called Michael as Pam and I began to walk down the driveway.

Pam and I both turned to give Michael and Holly one final wave, and watched as they both went back into their condo. We stood at the sidewalk for what could have been hours, and Pam broke the silence.

“So should I drive or do you want to…?”

“Um…I guess I should drive, unless you object?” Who still says that?

“No, I don’t,” smiled Pam. “Do you want to know a secret?”

“Yeah, why not?” My imagination ran wild once more. Pam was telling me that she never got over me, and she wanted me to drive her back to my apartment so that we could make beautiful babies together.

“I’m still hungry,” said Pam, my bubble popping once again. “I just didn’t have the heart to tell a pregnant woman that I didn’t want to eat a thirty pound hunk of beef jerky…”

I laughed.

“Well, what are you in the mood for?”

Please say that she’s in the mood for me…just the two of us, in my bedroom, making hot, passionate love with each other.

“Um…to be honest, I really missed burgers that didn’t cost 30 dollars,” smiled Pam. “Honestly, New York has great food, but who wants to pay 30 bucks for a cheeseburger?”

“All right! Burgers it is then!” I said, opening up the passenger door for Pam. As she stepped in, she smiled up at me once more.

“Still opening doors for girls?”

“Only the pretty ones,” I blurted out. Although it was pretty dark outside, I can see Pam’s cheeks beginning to flush under the moonlight. I hoped to all that is holy that it was a good blush, not the ‘oh my Jesus, this guy is creepy!’ kind of blushing. I gently shut her door, and rushed over to the driver’s side.

The drive was pretty quiet. Actually it was really quiet, apart from Pam teasing me about how I still listen to the band Brand New after all these years. Occasionally, we would steal glances at each other, and I could have sworn that I saw Pam fidgeting around with her hands. Out of fear of crashing into a telephone pole to our bloody deaths, I didn’t check to see why she was fidgeting with her hands. Maybe she was just nervous? I know for sure that I was. What do you say to someone you haven’t talked to for years?

“I heard you were expelled while I was in Paris,” Pam finally said, breaking the silence.

“Yeah,” I nodded. “Who told you?”

“Holly e-mailed me when it happened. I’m sorry that it did…”

“It’s not your fault,” I shrugged. “I should have made friends with better kids…”

“Yeah, well…it’s still unfortunate,” said Pam.

“It’s in the past,” I really hated talking about that time in my life. “So uh…I got your book.”

“You’re probably the only one,” laughed Pam.

“What are you talking about? I know you’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but Jesus, Pam! I was poking around Borders one day, and I saw the book. I bought it right away,” I told her. “I didn’t even know that it was your artwork! It’s really amazing stuff!”

“Thanks, Jim,” said Pam softly. “It means a lot that you liked it…”

“Loved it,” I corrected. “It’s on my coffee table, and whenever I’m feeling down, I just flip through the pages, through your paintings, and it makes me feel better. One time, Michael put his beer on top of it, and I threw him out the window!”

Pam laughed.

“…well, not literally,” I chuckled. “So what else have you been up to?”

“Just keeping busy by painting,” Pam shrugged. “You?”

“Selling paper,” I smiled.

Pam didn’t say anything for the next couple of minutes as we drove towards the Glider Diner. I began to feel humiliated. Pam must have been up to a lot. I mean, she has art galleries, published a book, her paintings were featured in a freaking art museum for the love of god! And what have I done? Sold paper, and became the ninth place in sales for the Scranton businesses. Pam must’ve wanted to leave.

I pulled into the Glider Diner, and parked my car. We walked into the diner in silence, and sat down at the first empty table. Even more silence passed as we waited for our menus.

“Remember when we were supposed to pretend to be Iron Chef Judges?” Pam asked softly. “God, that was so many years ago…”

I looked up at her, and was relieved to see that she was smiling. Her hands were still under the table, and she was probably still fidgeting.

“Oh man,” I laughed. “Yeah, I do remember…”

“That’s was one of the last times we talked.”

“Yeah.”

“What happened?” asked Pam as a host handed us menus. She looked up at him and added, “Thank you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like…a few weeks later, you were supposed to call me, and you never called back,” said Pam. Her tone was still warm, but there was something about her voice that sent chills down my spine. I couldn’t bare to look into her eyes anymore, so I opened my menu, pretending to read through the list of entrees although I already knew what I was going to order.

“Well,” I began, still looking down at the menu, feeling her eyes piercing through me. “Do you remember my roommates Andy and Dwight? Well, they were literally dueling everyday over some girl named Angela. Anyway, Dwight said something to Andy, and Andy got really angry. My cell phone was the closest object within his reach, and well…he threw it at Dwight. It shattered.”

“Oh…”

I braved a chance to look back at Pam. I saw the corners of her mouth starting to twitch.

“I always thought Andy had anger issues,” giggled Pam. “What did he used to call you again?”

“Oh jeez, we’re not discussing that…”

“Big Tuna! I remember now!” Pam began to laugh fully, and it was like music to my ears. I couldn’t help, but join in. Our server finally came, and we both ordered cheeseburgers. When our food arrived, we both dug in, laughing as we pretended to be Iron Chef Judges. I laughed, and I laughed for what seemed like years. I felt alive again. I was sure that my feelings for Pam were regenerating, but that didn’t matter. She was here. We were talking again. The more we laughed, the more comfortable things were. There were times when I wanted to reach across the table to hold her hand. There were times where I felt I was 18 again. For the first time in a long time, I felt invincible.

As we left the diner, still laughing over Pam’s impression of an angry French food critic over the lack of pickles in her burger, we stood by my car. If I just took one tiny step forward, I could kiss her.

“So,” said Pam when we had finally stopped laughing.

“So…” I repeated, smiling down at her, trying with all my might not to stare at her lips.

“This was fun!”

“Indeed it was, Beesly,” I chuckled. “I guess I should take you back to your car, right?”

Pam looked down at her watch.

“Yeah, my mom’s probably waiting up for me…I just got in today, and I barely saw her,” Pam explained. I walked over, and opened the door for her again.

“So why are you in town? I can’t believe I didn’t ask you that before,” I asked once I had gotten into the driver’s side.

“Um…” began Pam. “Well, I’m…I’m engaged.”

Just like that, those pieces inside me that had been filled just hours ago vanished. The elephant that had been sitting on my chest was back. This time, it was as if he had brought along his whole herd. A sharp knife pierced me, and I looked down at my chest to see how much I was bleeding. There was nothing. No blood whatsoever. If there was no blood, why was I hurting so badly? Why was I even disappointed at all? What were the chances of Pam still wanting me? I’m nothing but a paper salesman. A man who once had the world in the tips of his fingertips, but let it slip over a terrible mistake. Pam deserved better than me, and that’s what I realized at that moment. I was a fool to even think that I still had a chance with her.

“Wow…” I finally said, realizing that Pam was still in the car. “That’s…um…congratulations, Pam!”

I grinned over at her, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. She smiled feebly back.

“Thank you.”

“So who’s the lucky guy? What’s he like?”

“His name’s Alex. We’ve been dating for the last four years,” said Pam, no longer looking at me. I saw her smile a little. “He’s great…we met on a subway. I was sketching, and he was standing over me. He told me that my sketches were great, and then we started talking. He’s a graphic designer, and he’s really into art.”

“That’s awesome,” I said in what I hoped was a sincere voice.

“He’s really sweet,” continued Pam. I didn’t want to hear any more of it, but I didn’t want to be rude. “He’s funny, and he makes me happy.”

“Wow…That’s great, Pam! I’m happy for you!”

“Thank you, Jim,” smiled Pam. “What about you? Are you seeing anyone?”

“Meh…” I sighed. “Sort of, but it isn’t serious.”

“Oh?”

“I work with her. Her name’s Karen and I don’t know. She’s smart, and pretty out-going,” I said. Karen was the last person on my mind. I didn’t even want to think about her. I wanted to find this Alex guy, and punch him so hard that he gets cancer or something. Don’t get me wrong, I was glad that Pam had found a good guy, but…I don’t even know. I just wanted this weight off of my chest. In a sick and twisted way, I wanted to kick Pam out of my car, and drive it, with myself, into a lake.

“That’s good, isn’t it?” asked Pam.

“I guess,” I shrugged, driving faster back towards Michael’s. I then realized why Holly looked so sympathetic. She knew.

“Are you happy?”

“What?” I asked.

“With Karen…?”

“I don’t know. I guess that means no then, right?”

“I guess so too,” nodded Pam.

We drove for what seemed like days. Once again, we were engulfed in silence. This time, I welcomed the silence. I didn’t want my voice to betray me. We finally arrived back at Michael’s; back at Pam’s car.

“It was great seeing you and catching up,” said Pam.

“Same,” I said turning, and forcing myself to smile to her. Pam held her arms out.

“So…um…” she said, chuckling. I leaned in, and gave her a hug, trying to block out the smell of her sweet hair. “Good night.”

“Good night, Pam,” I smiled. I watched her as she got out of my car, and as I turned to face the street, I heard her.

“Jim!” she called before I could drive away. “We should get together again…I mean, if you want to. It’s just that…it was great seeing you tonight.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Maybe. You have my number, right?”

“Yes.”

“Well, give me a call whenever you’ve got the time,” I said, putting the car in drive. “Good night, Pam!”

Before she could say anything, I drove away.

*****
I saw Pam tonight. She’s engaged…

Just like so many other times in my life, I did not now what more to write. I furiously flipped through the pages of my small notebook. It was tiny…a normal person would have only taken a year to fill this up. I had only filled in twenty pages. I skimmed through my vague details, unable to remember the dates. I was a coward back then. Wait…I still am a coward.

I was angry. Not at Pam. It’s not her fault she’s engaged. I was angry because even in the vague entries from my journal, I could see how foolish I was…how foolish I am. In ten years, I haven’t changed at all. I’m still the sixteen year old boy, angry at the world because his daddy beat him a couple of times. I’m still the eighteen year old boy, messing around with a random girl just for the sole fact that she’s interested in me. I’m the twenty one year old man, too cowardly to tell my friend no.

I thought about all the missed opportunities. I knew about the times that Pam would visit Scranton to see her family and her old friends, but I always ignored them. A part of me says that it’s because I’m trying to move on, but the other part, the honest part of my brain that always kicks me in the groin, says that it’s because I’m ashamed of who I turned out to be. That honest part of my brain, let’s call it the ball buster, screams at me to get out and do something about my life. But I never do.

I remembered what I told Pam so many years back. ‘You gotta take a chance on something sometime, Pam.’ Well, Jim, you unfortunate son of a gun, you gotta take a chance on something sometime.

After a couple of weeks of wallowing in self pity, I decided to go do something for myself. I’d like to say that I quit Dunder Mifflin, won the lottery, broke up with Karen, and then declared my love for Pam who happened to say something along the lines of, “Oh, Jim! I’ve been waiting my whole life to hear you say that!” But I didn’t. However, I did break up with Karen in the nicest way possible. Well, at least there weren’t any tears shed. I may have received some bruises, but oh well.

I did keep in touch with Pam after she had gone back to New York. You may think I’m crazy, and I could use some clich� metaphor that Pam is like my heroin, and I can’t survive without her. But I’m not going to use a clich� metaphor or simile. Instead, I will make up my own: Pam is my own personal brand of shampoo. My very own Pam-tene Pro-V if you will… Why am I using that lame metaphor? Well, it’s simple. When I didn’t have Pam in my life, my life was a tangled mess. As soon as Pam came back in my life, things seemed less messy. Be jealous that you haven’t thought of that.

There was more laughter in my life now. Yes, it did hurt knowing that Pam was engaged to some successful graphic designer, and she loved him, but you know what? I’m not going to turn my life into some Julia Roberts movie. Yes, I still have feelings for Pam, and yes, sometimes it feels like I’m trying to swim wearing concrete shoes, but still...it’s nice to have someone who brings a smile to my face whenever we talk.

You could say that what I’m doing is unhealthy or selfish. But frankly, I don’t care. I think it’s about time that I did something for myself that makes me feel better.

So when Pam asked if I wanted to meet Alex, her fianc�, I decided that it was time to embrace the enemy. Plus, Pam said it would mean a lot if we all became good friends. I often wonder if I’m a masochist. I’m just saying that to let you all know that I know that you’re probably thinking that I’m a masochist. Anyway, that afternoon, I took off from work early, and made my way over to New York. When I got there, I almost hit a guy riding a bicycle with a huge sign that said that “Clinton was a rapist.” I tried to apologize, but he called me some derogatory names, so I just went back into my car.

I drove over to Tavern on the Green just in time to see Pam walking in through the entrance. At least I wasn’t late. I spent about three minutes looking for a place to park, and I jogged over to the restaurant. As soon as I walked in, Pam was waving to me.

“Hey, Pam,” I said, giving her a hug. “Sorry I’m late.”

“No, you’re actually early,” she said, motioning to the seat across from her for me to seat down. “Alex is on his way.”

“Okay,” I said, not really knowing what to say. I looked around the lighted restaurant. It was so shiny…and under these shiny lights, Pam radiated like the angel she was.

“Thanks for driving all the way over here,” said Pam, grinning her wide grin, looking happy and grateful.

“No problem,” I told her. “Thank you for giving me an excuse to leave work early.”

Pam giggled, “Anytime, Halpert. So what have you been up to?”

“Nothing really,” I replied. “But I did start working on a couple of outlines for some story ideas…nothing solid though.”

“Well, it’s something, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you remember that story idea that you had? When we were in Jersey…?”

I felt my face burning. Mainly because that story idea was pretty lame, but also because Pam had remembered. I was under the impression that she was half asleep when I told her about that. Then there was the fact that Pam had mentioned a time when we were together. Yeah, we were kids, but still. Just because we were young, doesn’t mean it didn’t mean anything. I let out a laugh.

“I can’t believe you remembered that…I thought you were asleep,” I said, taking a drink of water.”

“No,” Pam giggled. “But have you thought about that story much?”

“Pam, that was me at the height of my teenaged angst,” I laughed.

“Yeah, but it was still a good idea…” Pam shrugged. “I mean, yeah, the guy would have had probably the worst life ever, but if you really focused, you can turn it into something realistic. Don’t you think so?”

I nodded. What Pam said did make sense. Quite frankly, that idea that I had ten or eleven years ago was probably the best story idea I have. My new outlines consisted of stories of sparkly vampire wizards. Granted I haven’t really tried that hard…but that story of the man with a brain tumor was a story that, in a way, was true to life. It wasn’t just about the tumor. It was about love. It wasn’t just a sappy romance novel. It was all about love. The rush of adrenaline love sends through your body, and how it makes you so vulnerable. Because that’s what love is. It’s not just a feeling or an emotion. It’s much more than that. It’s a mixture of all emotions, and all the feelings a human is capable of. It’s pain, anger, happiness, sadness…

“What are you thinking about?” Pam asked, smiling at me.

“Sorry,” I waved my hand. “I just realized that that story idea may have been the best idea that I’ve had…”

“Then build up on it,” challenged Pam.

“Oh, I will, Beesly,” I smiled. Just then, someone tapped my shoulder. I turned to see a friendly looking man, smiling at me.

“You must be Jim,” he said, reaching his hand out. “I’m Alex.”

“Oh, hey man,” I said, shaking his hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“You too,” said Alex, and he gave Pam a quick peck before he took his seat next to her. “I hope I didn’t keep you guys waiting too long.”

“No, it’s fine,” smiled Pam, taking Alex’s hand.

Let me tell you something. This is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. The way Pam would smile up at Alex was so reminiscent to the way she used to smile at me when we were together. I had an internal war going on in my brain. One part was telling me to reach over the table and punch Alex in the mouth. The other part was telling me to play it cool. Then there was a third part that was worried that I might be a schizophrenic.

“Pam tells me that you guys have known each other for quite awhile,” said Alex, flashing me a million dollar smile that annoyed me because he did seem like a nice guy.

“Yeah,” I said, looking over at Pam. “Gosh, what’s it been? Almost twelve years, right?”

“Almost,” she smiled.

“So tell me, Jim, what was Pam like back then?”

Oh, she was amazing, buddy. She lit up my GD world.

“Well, she used to curse like a sailor,” I replied. “Seriously, every other word out of her was some sort of profanity.”

Alex laughed.

“She still curses like a sailor,” he laughs. “Whenever we’re driving, she’ll be yelling at something or someone.” Alex changes his voice so that’s it’s high-pitched, “‘Oh my fucking, God! That asshole just cut me off! I will kill that son of a bitch!’”

I reluctantly let out a laugh while Pam hits Alex’s arm.

“She’s also abusive too,” he said.

“No kidding, when we were kids, I would go home covered in bruises,” I told him.

“That’s not true, Jim,” scoffed Pam.

“Oh, I believe it,” said Alex. “Pam doesn’t know this, but I cry at night whenever I think of all the abuse she puts me through.”

Pam playfully hits his shoulder again. Alex fakes a comical look of pain, and we all laugh. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to laugh, but if you saw his face, you’d laugh too.

“Oh my goodness, lady,” Alex said, obviously pretending that he was serious. “If you hit me again, I will tickle you…”

I watched as Pam hit Alex, and I was waiting for Alex to tickle her. If there was one thing that Pam hated, it was being tickled. As Alex began to tickle Pam, I flexed my fingers, ready to reach over the table and twist his stupid nipples. Before I could do anything, however, Pam was laughing. It wasn’t that forced laugh that you get when someone’s tickling you, it was genuine. Seeing this made me feel as if someone was twisting my own nipple while simultaneously giving me a paper cut.

I wanted to hate this Alex guy. But I couldn’t bring myself to hate him. We drank wine as we all talked and joked around as if we were old friends. He was funny, nice, and smart. In a way, he reminds me of a slightly more mature version of me when I was eighteen. Even his looks were similar to mine. He had slightly shaggy brown hair that he brushed back, almost lazily, he was my height, and the only difference between us was that he was more cushiony that me. His humor was similar to mine, and the bastard even liked the same music and sports teams as me. So how could I hate this guy? Sure I pretend that I hate myself sometimes, but that’s only when I think back of the mistakes that I’ve made…

The only difference between this guy and me was that he had an awesome career. He made covers for bands’ albums, he designed logos for movies, and he even designed the logo for Eli Manning’s new restaurant.

It was hard to hate him. The way this guy would steal glances at Pam, not in a selfish way, but in a way that says, “I’ve just won a million bucks!” And how could I hate him when he makes Pam smile so radiantly that it penetrates me, and makes me feel happy for her?

Alex pays for dinner before I could even offer to pay. He looks down at his watch, and I look down at mine as well. I don’t know why, but every time someone checks for the time, I always follow. It’s like the yawning chain. One person yawns, someone else follows. It was 8:45.

“I should get going,” said Alex, looking up from his watch. “I have a flight to catch in the morning.” Alex leans over and kisses Pam. “I’ll see you on Monday. I love you.”

“I love you too,” smiled Pam. I get up as Alex lifts himself out of his chair.

“Well, Jim,” he said, shaking my hand. “Let me know if you’re ever in town, man. We should try to catch an Eagles/Giants game sometime.”

“Definitely,” I said. “Take it easy.”

“You too, man,” he looks over at Pam. “I’ll call you when I land tomorrow.”

“All right,” said Pam.

Alex gives us a final wave, and we watch as he leaves the restaurant.

“So you guys aren’t living together?” I asked.

“No, I mean, he just proposed a couple of weeks ago, and we both still have leases on our condos,” Pam explained. “So what did you think?”

“He seems like a really nice guy,” I told her. Honestly.

“He is,” agreed Pam. She hesitates before saying, “So do you want to walk around the park? I mean, I know it’s late, but…it’s the weekend.”

“Yeah, sure,” I said, getting up. As we left the restaurant, I asked, “So where’s Alex going tomorrow?”

“Chicago. One of his buddies teaches graphic design course over there, and Alex is giving a guest lecture on Monday,” replied Pam, stumbling over her feet. I caught her. “Whoo…I must have had too much wine…”

“Me too,” I laugh, feeling tipsy as well.

“You think you’ll be okay to drive later?”

I nod as we walk towards Central Park. It’s a beautiful autumn night. It’s not too warm, nor is it too cold. The weather is perfect, and the slight breeze is relaxing. It’s almost d�j� vu. I remember walking around the park by Pam’s parents’ house years ago. Back when she was with Roy. I was too afraid to speak then just as I am now. I’m afraid that I’ll say something to make things awkward. But at least back then, had I had the courage to tell Pam how I felt about her, it wouldn’t have been that bad considering that Roy was kind of a tool. If I broke now, and told Pam that I still love her, I would feel terrible. Only because Alex is a nice guy. If he were an ass, that would be another story. Like I said before, life isn’t a Julia Roberts movie.

“So you said you were working on some outlines?” asked Pam, breaking my train of thought once more.

“Yeah, but they’re nothing serious. I just got bored at work, and I drabbled…”

“So? What are they about?”

“You’ll only make fun of me,” I smiled. “Plus, it’s nothing that’s going to be earth shattering…I was only trying to humor myself.”

“Try me.”

“Fine,” I sighed. “Well, I thought about writing about a vampire wizard, because Twilight and Harry Potter are huge. I was thinking of calling it Larry Moonlight. Then I decided to bring Greek Mythology AND incorporate pieces of the bible. So I thought about writing about an immortal centaur named Gibbons who happened to be the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse, and his mission is to stop the apocalypse from ever happening…”

I watched as Pam struggled to keep a straight face.

“So…are you being serious?” asked Pam, her voice cracking slightly.

“Well, I’m serious about the outlines, but as for actually writing them? No,” I replied. “It’s okay to laugh; I meant them to sound funny…”

“Oh, gosh…you are such a dork, Halpert!” laughed Pam.

We both laughed as I pretended to recite lines from my book.

“…and the horseman of death heard it. The most terrible noise he had ever heard. Gibbons was sprinting at break-neck speed, his mouth twisted in rage, letting out the most terrible and terrifying neigh that Death had ever heard.”

“Oh my god! Stop it! I can’t breath!” laughed Pam, doubled over, trying to catch her breath. Her hand clutched to my shoulder as she tried to regain her composure. “When did you become such a nerd?”

“Dwight rubbed off on me, I guess…Plus, when I worked at Barnes and Noble after I got expelled, I read a bunch of really crazy books.”

“I could imagine…” said Pam. Her smile slowly faded. “What was it like? Getting expelled, I mean?”

I shrugged.

“I guess I felt betrayed. I mean, I considered Mark to be a close friend, and when he didn’t come forward, it was a knife to the back,” I explained. “And then going to Oregon, and facing my parents? My dad was like three years sober at the time, and Jesus…he just breaks open a bottle of scotch in front of me. All the while, my mom’s crying, and there’s nothing worse than making your own mother shed tears.”

“I’m sorry,” said Pam softly.

“It’s not your fault.”

“I could have called,” sighed Pam. “Or sent you an e-mail…”

“The same goes to me to, Pam,” I said as we approached a bench. “I guess we both made mistakes.”

“Can I ask you something?” asked Pam, sitting down next to me.

“Of course.”

“Why didn’t you…you know, write me when I went to Paris?”

I hesitated before answering, wondering whether telling her the truth was a good idea or not. But this is Pam, and I could never lie to her.

“I guess I was ashamed. I was so close to graduating, and then…I made one little mistake, and I paid for it,” I told her. “Then everything came crashing down at once. At the time, I was happy for the most part. I had a group of close friends, front row tickets to the Dwight and Andy showdown, and I was happy with how my classes were going. But after I got expelled, nearly everyone stopped talking to me. It wasn’t because they thought I was snorting coke, it was because I was the one that needed to talk. You know me. I’ve always been a listener. And you were in Paris, probably having the time of your life, studying famous drawings…I didn’t want to bother you. By the time you got back, I was afraid. I wasn’t over you, and I was afraid that you were over me. So I waited. A couple of years later, I moved back to Scranton, and at least three times a month, Holly would offer to give me your number, but I always declined. I knew you were in New York, sketching and painting; your book had been published. And I’m in Scranton, selling paper…I wanted to be something when I talked to you again. But for years, I didn’t even try to accomplish anything. I had dug myself in a hole, and it sunk deeper and deeper. By then, it’s been like four or five years since we’d even talked, so…it seemed like a lost cause.”

I was facing away from Pam, talking to the air, but I felt her eyes piercing me. There was a soft brushing sound, and her warm hand covered my own. I turned to her, and her eyes were filled with sympathy.

“Jim…” she sighed. “I should have called…I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I reassured her. “It’s all in the past now.”

Pam shook her head.

“I wasn’t ever that happy,” said Pam. “While you were in Colorado, I mean. I missed you a lot, and I tried dating other guys. But they were all tools…for awhile, I was mad at you. That’s why I became distant when you came back to visit that one year.”

“Why were you mad?”

“I kept comparing other guys to you…they just didn’t measure up.”

I know that there’s a that’s what she said in there, but I bit my tongue. I didn’t know whether or not to be flattered, or to apologize…

“Um…I’m sorry?” I said. Pam waved it off.

“So I tried to convince myself to try to forget about you, but you made it so difficult. And I know it’s not you’re fault, because I was the one that kept texting and calling you,” sighed Pam. “To be honest, when you didn’t call me before I left to Paris, I was sort of relieved. Eventually, I got mad at you again. I started to wonder why you never called to say goodbye. Then as time went on, you didn’t even write me or anything. So I asked Holly if she talked to you, and I heard that you got expelled. I could have easily written to you to see how you were doing, but I was too afraid…or maybe I was just stubborn. But anyway, I guess in short, it took me so long to get over you. I wanted to give up, but you were always on my mind. Then I met Alex, and he reminded me so much of you…”

Once again, I found myself speechless. In a way, it’s a relief to find out that Pam had been hurting too, but on the other hand, there was Alex. She pretty much spelled it out in front of me: she loves him because he reminds her of me. But I’m here now…how does she feel now?

“You’re happy now?” I finally ask.

“Yes.”

“That’s good then,” I said. “I’m happy for you…”

“Thank you.”

“No problem, Beesly,” I told her. “And…I’m sorry…about—you know. You hurting…”

“Its fine,” smiled Pam. She gave my hand a squeeze, and at this point, I’m ready to spontaneously combust. I realize that me asking her if she’s happy now was pretty unclear. What if she thought that I had meant if she was happy that she was here with me? God damn it, Jim, you are seriously the biggest dumb ass sometimes.

“So when’s the wedding?” I asked, watching for her reaction. If she acts surprised, then I’ll know that she meant she’s happy that I’m here. If she doesn’t…well…at least I still have my health.

“Next winter,” smiled Pam, nodding. Looks like she’s happy with Alex. “So do you keep in touch with any of your old friends from school?”

“Oh yeah,” I said sarcastically. “I talk to them all the time…especially Mark.”

Pam swats my arm, and laughs.

“So you just stopped talking to all of them?”

“No, I mean, Dwight called me a few times, and same with Andy. And I had a really close friend named Audrey, but we lost touch like three or four years ago…”

“How come?”

“You know how it is. Distance distinguishes relationships.”

“Most def…” sighed Pam, releasing my hand. “You still feeling tipsy?”

“A little, but I think I’m good to drive,” I replied. “What about you? Did you drive here?”

“Oh God no…” she laughed. “I took a cab. The only time I drive is when I go to Scranton.”

“I see…um, do you want me to give you a ride home?” I asked. “I mean, it’s pretty late, and yeah…I just I want to make sure you get home safely.”

Her smile is beautiful as she nods, and we walk across the park slowly towards my car, our shoulders brushing softly. When we get to my car, I open her door for her, and make my way to the driver’s side.

“Do you want some heat?” I ask when I start the ignition.

“Yes, please,” replied Pam, rubbing her hands together.

I ask her for directions to her loft, and we drive.

“So,” I say after driving for about ten minutes. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Yeah, of course!”

“Does Alex know about us?” I glance over at Pam, and she has a guilty look on her face.

“In a way, he does,” replied Pam slowly.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, he knows about you, but…he doesn’t know it’s you…”

“Oh...wow, Beesly,” I laughed.

“I just didn’t want him to make a big deal out of it! I mean, we’re just friends now, right? Like…we’re over what happened, aren’t we?”

For some reason, this feels like I’m on a game show—like Pam’s quizzing me. I don’t know how to answer, because I’m not even sure if I am over her. On one hand, she’s engaged, but on the other hand, she’s engaged to Jim 2.0. What’s to say that she’s not over me? If I say yes, then what if I hurt her feelings? If I say no, what if she calls me an asshole?

“To be honest, Pam,” I sigh, deciding to tell her the truth. “I’m not sure if I am over you…”