Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.




FADE IN:

EXT. CITY STREET - MORNING - DAY 1

A bus pulls up to the corner. DWIGHT steps off the bus,
staring at a piece of paper in his hand. He looks at the
camera and scowls.

DWIGHT
I woke up this morning and my car
was missing.

Dwight holds up the piece of paper and the camera zooms in
on it. It is a set of directions.

DWIGHT (CONT'D)
And this piece of paper was in the
driveway.

Dwight reads the piece of paper again then looks around the
street. He is looking for something, obviously confused.

DWIGHT (CONT'D)
All it says is "look up." What is
that supposed to mean? I don't -

He stops speaking, gobsmacked. The camera turns to see what
Dwight is looking at.



EXT. CAR DEALERSHIP - CONTINUOUS - D1

Dwight's prized TRANSAM is suspended above the dealership on
a high display platform.



EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS - D1

Dwight is silent for a moment, then becomes obviously
enraged. He violently crumples up the paper in his hand.

DWIGHT
Damn it, Jim!

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1

MICHAEL is sitting at his desk, writing on a yellow legal
pad. He is obviously thinking very hard about what he is
writing down.

MICHAEL
(to camera)
My fifteenth anniversary with
Dunder-Mifflin is this week. (beat)
Fifteen years! You know, "Cheers"
was only on for eleven years. (he
looks smug)



INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - D1

Michael has assembled the party planning committee (ANGELA,
PAM, PHYLLIS). He has set up a flipchart and his yellow
legal pad is sitting on the conference table. On the
flipchart, he has written "Party Ideas."

MICHAEL
Okay, throw 'em at me!

ANGELA
Something sensible.

MICHAEL
No. Next! (points to Phyllis) Hit
me with it!

PHYLLIS
Um... A cake?

MICHAEL
(frustrated by the lack of
creativity)
Obviously, Phyllis. Obviously there
will be a cake. This isn't
Communist Russia. (looks to camera,
bad Yakov Smirnoff impression) In
Russia, party throws you!

PAM
What about a theme party?

MICHAEL
Yes! Yes! At least somebody brought
their fun pants to work today!

Michael scribbles down "theme party" on the flipchart.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Okay. What kind of theme? Something
crazy. Something everyone is going
to remember at my thirtieth year
anniversary party.

PAM
(quietly, to camera)
I hope I'm not working here in
fifteen years.

MICHAEL
What? I didn't hear you. You
mumbled. Speak up, mush mouth.

PAM
Uh... beers. We should - We should
have fifteen beers. For the party.

MICHAEL
Eh. Pam, you're losing your magic.

Michael writes down "beers" on the flipchart.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Okay, people. Themes. We need
themes. Oh! Beach party! We can all
come to the office in our bathing
suits, maybe set up a kiddie pool
in the break room...

ANGELA
That's inappropriate.

MICHAEL
Then you think of something,
Smurfette!

ANGELA
We could have cake in the break
room during lunch.

MICHAEL
Gross. No. That idea is so boring I
want to throw up. I want this party
to be awesome. If I want any ideas
on how to throw a lame party that
everyone hates, I'll come to you,
okay, Angela?

Angela glares. If looks could kill, Michael would be dead
twice over.





MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
Why is it so important that this
party is a success? I have been
waiting for this party since I
first started working here.

He holds up an old photo of him from his first days at the
company, bad hair and all.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
You see this young gentleman in the
photo here? What do you think he's
thinking? Is it "Oh, gee, I can't
wait to get some success and then
move on, totally forgetting about
the awesome friends and the company
that loves me?" Or is he thinking,
"Wow, this is a great job and I
hope I'm here for the rest of my
life - I hope I die at my desk,
that's how happy I am." Well, let
me tell you... that young gentleman
is me. And I do want to die at my
desk. (beat) I want to die from how
awesome this party is. And I want
everyone else to die right with me.
Murder/suicide. Fun was the weapon.



INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS - D1

Michael is now sitting at the table with the party planning
committee. He rubs his forehead as he stares down at the
yellow legal pad. The flipchart has been forgotten.

MICHAEL
(reading from legal pad)
Okay. We have movie theme, TV
theme, arts and crafts, (beat,
then) the Bible - yuck, (beat) and
Jonas Brothers. Guys, come on.
These suggestions suck harder than
your mom.

ANGELA
(warning)
Michael.

MICHAEL
I want a decent theme by the end of
the day or you're all fired.

PHYLLIS
You can't fire us because you don't
have a theme for your party.

MICHAEL
Can't I, Phyllis? Can't I!?

PHYLLIS
No.

MICHAEL
(frustrated)
Okay. God. You know what then?
(points to Phyllis) Constant
personal calls, poor performance.
(points to Angela) Aggression,
creating an uncomfortable work
environment. (points to Pam)
Company time theft. Sexual
harassment. (beat, then) I see the
way you look at me.

Pam looks to the camera, mouth open in shock and confusion.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Theme. On my desk. Today. By the
end of. (beat) Wait...



INT. OFFICE - JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS - D1

Pam is the last to exit the conference room. As she is
walking back to her desk, Jim stops her.

JIM
So, uh, what was that about?

PAM
Michael threatened to fire us if we
didn't think of a good theme for
his anniversary party.

JIM
Oh, well, that should be easy. Lets
take a look, shall we?

Jim uses his computer and Googles "children's party themes."



INT. OFFICE - ACCOUNTING AREA - D1

Dwight approaches Angela at her desk.

DWIGHT
Hello, Angela.

ANGELA
Dwight.

DWIGHT
I need to make a request.

ANGELA
What is it?

DWIGHT
I need you to tell me the party
planning committee's plans for
Michael's party.

ANGELA
No, Dwight.

Dwight looks as if he might argue about it, then reconsiders
and stalks off.

He comes back, clenching both fists, and again looks like he
might argue.

He turns on his heel and walks away again.



INT. OFFICE - RECEPTION AREA - LATER - D1

Pam is at her desk, writing something down. Jim comes over.
He takes a few jellybeans from the dish on the desk and
watches her.

JIM
Writing your resume for when
Michael fires you?

PAM
No. I'm writing down all the theme
ideas for him. He wants them
alphabetized and sorted by color.

JIM
Sorted by...?

Jim smirks, amused and intrigued by the prospect.

PAM
Like, if the theme was Christmas,
it would be red and green.

Jim's smirk widens to become a big grin.

PAM (CONT'D)
Shut up. I know.

Jim points to the list Pam is making.

JIM
(reading)
Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes. What
color is that exactly?

PAM
(feigning authority)
Green.



INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1

Michael and Dwight are peering through the blinds of the
office window, watching Jim and Pam work on the theme ideas.

MICHAEL
What do you think they're doing?

DWIGHT
Wasting company time.

MICHAEL
Not - I meant about my party. What
kind of themes do you think they're
working on?

Michael sits at his desk.

DWIGHT
Knowing Jim, it's probably some
pansy theme like flowers and
kittens. (puts his hands on
Michael's desk and pushes his face
towards Michael) Let me plan this
party for you.

MICHAEL
Yuck, no. Get away from me, creep.
If you planned it, it'd just be
Amish potato salad and
pterodactyl-dermy.

DWIGHT
Taxidermy.

MICHAEL
Whatever. The answer's still no.



DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
The Schrutes throw a party every
full moon in which we dance and
play the lute. So I have a lot of
experience planning parties. I even
have the theme for my wedding
planned out: Everything Made from
Wood.


INT. OFFICE - JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS - D1

Jim and Dwight are seated. Jim is doing work while Dwight is
searching the Internet and furiously writing things down.

JIM
What are you doing?

DWIGHT
Your simple mind couldn't begin to
comprehend what I am doing.

Jim looks at Dwight's computer screen.

JIM
(reading)
The top ten best theme party ideas.
Really, Dwight?

DWIGHT
Michael doesn't know what he's
doing. Entrusting his fifteenth
anniversary party to the party
planning committee is like
entrusting an infant to operate the
Large Hadron Collider.

JIM
(teasing)
So, pretty good then?

DWIGHT
You idiot. A misstep with the Large
Hadron Collider could cause a black
hole that could swallow the
universe.

JIM
Wow, that's some smart baby.

DWIGHT
(frustrated)
The point is, Michael deserves a
good party! Not a black hole!

JIM
You really think that Michael not
having a good party is on par with
the entire universe being sucked
into a black hole?

DWIGHT
Yes.

JIM
(amused)
You really do, don't you?



INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1

Michael sits at his desk. Jim is sitting in the chair in
front of the desk.

MICHAEL
Do you know why I brought you in
here, Jim?

JIM
To talk about my sales reports.

MICHAEL
No. That was a lie.

Jim looks at the camera -- he should have known.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
There have been some whispers going
around the office. About my party.

JIM
I don't -

MICHAEL
I know Dwight is trying to plan a
party for me. And I know that his
party is going to suck. My
anniversary party can't suck, Jim.
You of all people should know that.

JIM
Why should I...?

MICHAEL
Because we're party people, Jim.
You and I. Real party animals.
(beat) Like when you threw that
party and didn't invite me.
Remember?

Jim looks down at his shoes, feeling guilty.

JIM
Uh...

MICHAEL
My point is - I want you to throw
me a party. I want you to work with
the party planning committee and
make my party awesome. Will you do
that, Jim?

JIM
Wow, I don't know. That's... a huge
honor, but I really have a lot of
work to do, so...

MICHAEL
No, yeah, I understand. (pause) Do
you think you're gonna throw
another party? One that I could
maybe be invited to?

Jim rubs the back of his neck. He's caught between a rock
and a hard place.

JIM
Ah... I... I don't know.

MICHAEL
Okay. It's cool. I understand.
You're busy.

JIM
Michael, I -

MICHAEL
Hey, can you send Dwight in here on
your way out?



JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
Wow. Michael made me feel bad.
Michael. I cared about Michael's
feelings.
(shakes his head in disbelief)

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1

Michael has shut off all the lights in his office. He is
perched on the edge of his desk. Dwight is sitting in the
chair in front of the desk. Michael turns on his desk lamp
and angles it so that the light is shining in Dwight's eyes.

MICHAEL
Are you comfortable, Mr. Schrute?

DWIGHT
This won't work.

MICHAEL
What won't work?

DWIGHT
This is a classic interrogation
technique. You're trying to
disorient me.

MICHAEL
(talking over Dwight's last
line)
I'm trying to disorient you, huh?
(picks up the desk lamp and shoves
it closer to Dwight's face) That's
disorienting you!

DWIGHT
(shielding his eyes)
What do you want, Michael?

Michael sets the desk lamp back on the desk. He is clearly
playing good cop-bad cop... by himself.

MICHAEL
What do I want? What do you want?
Can I get you anything? Coffee?
Water? Women? Beets?

DWIGHT
Don't bring beets into this.

MICHAEL
I'm just trying to make you
comfortable. (he crumples up a
Post-It and throws it at Dwight's
forehead) Why are you planning a
party for me!?

DWIGHT
(shoots a knowing look at the
camera)
I'm not. I have no idea what you're
talking about.

MICHAEL
Liar! I saw you! I saw you Google!

DWIGHT
Let me explain.

MICHAEL
Let you explain how you
deliberately went against my
wishes? Let you explain how you
betrayed me?

DWIGHT
I didn't betray you! I want you to
have a good party! The party
planning committee is just going to
mess it up! They're imbeciles!

MICHAEL
You don't know that. You haven't
even seen their themes! They have
themes, Dwight! What do you have?

DWIGHT
Horses.

MICAHEL
I - What?

DWIGHT
I have horses. And a plough.

MICHAEL
Why... Why would you think I would
enjoy that? Unless... (beat) Do you
have the midget that rides the
horse? Like at the race track?

DWIGHT
(glances at camera)
No.

Michael shuts off the desk lamp. They are in complete
darkness.

MICHAEL
Get out.



INT. OFFICE - RECEPTION AREA - D1

Pam is at her desk. Jim is leaning on the desk.

JIM
Under the Sea?

PAM
It's a work anniversary party, not
a junior prom.

JIM
(amused)
Ouch, Beesly.

Dwight walks angrily over to the desk.

DWIGHT
Pam, I demand to see the themes the
party planning committee has put
together for Michael's party.

PAM
(turning notebook over so
Dwight can't read it)
No. Michael told you he didn't want
you to help.

DWIGHT
Michael doesn't know what's best
for him. Let me see.

JIM
I think you're taking this too far.
Maybe you should just forget about
it.

DWIGHT
And maybe you should be less of a
girl. (to Pam) I have other ways of
getting that information.

PAM
Like how, Dwight?

DWIGHT
I will climb into the ceiling. I
will wait. When you turn your back
to send a fax or draw one of your
meaningless doodles, I will propel
from the ceiling, quieter than a
martial arts master, and snatch the
notebook from you.

PAM
Okay. Yeah. Lets do that.

Dwight glares at her, then turns and walks back to his desk.

JIM
Is it just me or is he really
annoying today?

PAM
He definitely is.

JIM
(getting an idea)
Hey. Can you look up the Hadron
Collider?



INT. OFFICE - JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS - D1

Jim and Dwight are at their desks, working. Jim's phone
rings.

JIM
(on phone)
Hello? ... Oh, Uncle Francis. Yeah.
Yeah, I called you earlier about
the Hadron Collider.

Dwight's interest is obviously piqued. He begins listening
in.

JIM
Someone I work with told me about
it and I know how you’re working on
the project, so I... Oh wow. Really?
Things aren't going well? ... Oh, my
God. How - How much time do we have
left before... Oh no. I mean, you
can't be sure that it... A black
hole? Definitely? ... Wow. I - Okay.
No, I understand. I'll call you
later. ... Bye.

Jim hangs up the phone. He looks shaken by what he has
heard.

JIM (CONT'D)
(to himself, loud enough for
Dwight to hear)
I have to tell Pam. We might not
have much time left together.

Jim gets up from his desk, hiding a smile as he walks toward
the reception desk.

Dwight is staring after him, his face frozen in terror.



JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
He deserves it today.



INT. KITCHEN - LATER - D1

Jim is retrieving something from the fridge. Dwight
approaches him.

DWIGHT
What do you know about the Large
Hadron Collider?

JIM
You heard that? No one's supposed
to know. (looks around to make sure
no one is listening, exaggerated
whisper) Well, after you told me
about it, I called my uncle.
Francis Farley. He's a scientist
and he -

DWIGHT
I know who he is.



DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
I've been sending hate mail to all
the scientists working on the Large
Hadron Collider for months. I saw
their YouTube video. (beat) Wasn't
impressed.



INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS - D1

JIM
It turns out he was actually
working on the project. So I asked
him about it and what was going on
and... Dwight, they've made a black
hole. It's not very big now, but
it's growing. Fast. By the end of
the week, the universe will be
pulled into it.

DWIGHT
(whisper)
My God. (beat) Michael's party.

Jim looks at the camera -- this is where Dwight's priorities
lie?



INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1

It is the end of the day. Michael has gathered the party
planning committee in his office. Pam is holding a notebook.

MICHAEL
So. Do you have something for me?

PAM
We have a list.

MICHAEL
Oooh. Okay. Let me get ready.

Michael leans back in his chair and closes his eyes.

PAM
(reading from notebook)
Black and white. College. Hawaii.
Hollywood. Toga. The sixties.
Carnival.

MICHAEL
(opening his eyes)
Wow. Wow. Those... are good. I was
ready to fire you ladies, but you
really brought the goods.

PHYLLIS
So, you like them?

MICHAEL
Yes. Yes, I do, Phyllis.

PAM
Okay! What one do you want for your
party?

Michael thinks it over. He pulls out his Carnac the
Magnificent turban and motions for Pam to hand him the
notebook. He rips up the suggestions into little pieces and
places them into the turban. He shakes the turban, then
pulls out one of the pieces of paper. He holds it up to the
camera.

MICHAEL
We have a winn-ah! The sixties!

Pam begins clapping but stops when no one else joins in.

MICHAEL
Alright. Excellent. (beat) So, you
should probably get to work on
putting that together, huh?

ANGELA
Michael, it's the end of the day.

MICHAEL
That's not an attitude that's going
to put a party together. Do some
work for once, huh?

Pam, Angela, and Phyllis walk out of the room, slamming the
door behind them.

Michael grins at the camera.

MICHAEL
Drama queens. (holds up the piece
of paper again) The sixties!
Swinging sixties! Groovy.


INT. OFFICE - JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS - D1

Jim is gathering his things to go home for the end of the
day. Dwight approaches him.

DWIGHT
How much longer do we have? What
did Farley tell you?

JIM
This is top secret stuff, Dwight.
How do I know I can trust you?

DWIGHT
(takes a deep breath)
I'll give up working on Michael's
party.

JIM
Okay. That's serious. Here's the
deal - the black hole is going to
grow so large that it's going to
suck in the universe. We won't be
able to feel it coming, so the
scientists are keeping it under
wraps because they don't want to
panic everyone. On Thursday, at
2:07 P.M., the world is ending.

Dwight takes a deep breath and appears to brace himself. He
puts a hand on Jim's shoulder.

DWIGHT
(gravely)
Thank you.

Jim salutes him and Dwight walks away.

Pam walks over to Jim's desk.

PAM
I feel a little bad.

JIM
Yeah, me too. Just a little though.

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. OFFICE - RECEPTION AREA - DAY 2

Pam is at her desk, filing papers.

Michael enters the office, obviously pleased. He grins and
flashes a peace sign at the camera before approaching Pam.

MICHAEL
Pamda Express! Great day for a
party, isn't it?

PAM
Yep.

MICHAEL
Are you ready to get groovy? Oh,
and hey, maybe we can put out a
little bowl for people's keys and
we can pick out a key and then go
home with whosever's key we get.

PAM
No, Michael.

MICHAEL
Okay. You square. What if we go
outside and roll around in the mud?
Maybe take our tops off.

PAM
No.

MICHAEL
Wow, Pam, you're really killing the
spirit of the sixties here.

Pam holds out a stack of papers for Michael.

PAM
These are from corporate.

MICHAEL
Yuck.

Michael doesn't take the papers. He shakes his head then
walks into his office.

Pam looks at the camera and shrugs.



MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
Today is the day of my fifteenth
anniversary with Dunder-Mifflin.
We're having a sixties theme party
and it's going to be awesome. And I
spent two hours last night looking
up a bunch of slang from the
sixties. (he grins, pleased with
himself)



INT. OFFICE - RECEPTION AREA - CONTINUOUS - D2

Dwight walks into the office, obviously angry. When he sees
Jim, he snarls.

DWIGHT
(pointing at Jim)
You!

JIM
(calmly)
What's up, Dwight?

DWIGHT
You told me the world was ending on
Thursday!

JIM
Yep. Yep, I did.

DWIGHT
I took the day off! You said that
at 2:07 P.M. on Thursday, a black
hole was going to swallow the
universe!

JIM
Correct.

DWIGHT
It's Friday!

Jim pretends to think it over.

JIM
Okay. Here's a thought. Stay with
me here. Maybe the world did end,
and right now, you're actually in
heaven. Because you would love to
work here for all of eternity,
wouldn't you?

DWIGHT
(calmer)
That's beside the point.



DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
Yes, I believed Jim when he told me
the world was ending. I spent
Thursday doing the things I love -
paintballing, tilling the soil, and
watching Battlestar Galactica. At
2:07 P.M., I stood with Mose in the
beet field and waited for the end
of the world. (beat) All I got was
bug bites.



INT. OFFICE - RECEPTION AREA - CONTINUOUS - D2

Dwight takes off his coat and walks to his desk.

DWIGHT
I wasted valuable time. I'm working
on an important project, you know.

JIM
(now curious)
Oh, really?

DWIGHT
(curt)
Yes.

JIM
What is it?

Dwight takes a moment to consider the ramifications of
telling Jim.

DWIGHT
If you must know, I'm searching for
the Carbondale UFO.

JIM
Yes. Great use of your time.

DWIGHT
(missing the sarcasm)
I know.

JIM
And can you remind me again what
that is.

DWIGHT
On this day in 1974, a UFO crashed
in a mine breaker in Carbondale.
There was a government cover-up to
keep it out of the national media.

PHYLLIS
I thought it was a lantern.

DWIGHT
Quiet, you!

JIM
So, you're looking for aliens.

DWIGHT
No. The craft was taken away by the
National Guard and they obviously
would have taken any bodies away
with them. I'm going to look for
radiation and possibly pieces of
the craft that were left behind.

JIM
Well, okay. Have fun with that.

DWIGHT
I will.

Jim looks at the camera -- a sarcastic "he sure showed me."

Michael enters the office.

MICHAEL
(to Jim)
What's up, flower child? Isn't
today totally far out?

JIM
Oh, somebody's ready for his party.

MICHAEL
It's gonna be groovy. Maybe it'll
even inspire you and Pam to go all
the way. (beat, looks to camera)
Sixties slang for doing it.

Jim shakes his head -- did he just say that?

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
I'm looking forward to partying
with all you hep cats. It's gonna
be outta sight. Prepare yourselves
for a righteous time.

JIM
You should probably save some of
those gems for the party.

MICHAEL
Good call, Jimbo. Don't want to
waste my best material.

JIM
Ah. No chance of that happening.

Michael looks at him for a moment, unsure if it was a
compliment or an insult. He decides to smile at the camera.



INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - D2

Pam, Phyllis, and Angela are decorating the room for
Michael's anniversary party. Phyllis and Angela are hanging
a banner with peace signs on it that says “Happy 15th
Anniversary Michael.”



PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM
Michael wants the party to last all
day, so we're decorating now.
(pause) It won't last all day.
We'll all get sick of it within
fifteen minutes. (she puts on a tie
dye headband that covers her
forehead) Still though, it'll be a
fun fifteen minutes. I hope.


INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS - D2

Angela is laying peace sign necklaces on the conference
table. She looks disapprovingly at the camera.



ANGELA TALKING HEAD

ANGELA
I don't approve of the 1960s. Free
love? Disgusting. And they didn't
wash. Cleanliness is next to
Godliness. (beat) Hippies.
(shudders)



INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS - D2

Phyllis is hanging tie dye streamers while Angela unpacks
Smiley face printed cups and plates. Pam is busy adding
stickers to the banner.

She puts a small, shiny star sticker near the corner of her
left eye.

ANGELA
Pam, that's a waste of supplies.

PAM
I'm just having fun, Angela.

ANGELA
We're getting ready for a party.
This is no time for fun.

Pam looks at the camera and shakes her head.



INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D2

Michael is hanging a blacklight poster of psychedelic
mushrooms. He excitedly turns off the lights in the room
then looks at the poster. It is not lighting up because he
doesn't have a blacklight.

MICHAEL
(disappointed)
Oh. (beat) It's defective.



INT. KITCHEN - D2

Jim is pouring himself a cup of coffee. Pam enters, still
wearing the headband and star sticker.

JIM
Look at you.

PAM
Pretty groovy, right?

Pam goes to the fridge to retrieve three bottles of water.

JIM
Definitely. So, does the party come
complete with a bra burning?

Pam just smirks at him and leaves the room.

Jim smiles to himself.



INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - D2

Pam returns with the bottles of water. She sets two down on
the conference table then opens one for herself.

The room is almost totally decorated. There are Smiley
faces, tie dye streamers, and pictures from the 1960s hung
on the walls. On the table there are piles of neon-colored
Lennon sunglasses, peace sign necklaces, and hippie love
bead necklaces.

The centerpiece is a lava lamp.

PHYLLIS
Pam, will you help me put up the
bead curtain?

PAM
Sure.

While Phyllis and Pam put the bead curtain over the door,
Angela picks up a disco ball and stands on a chair.

PAM
Angela, you'll never be able to
reach. We can get Jim to do it.

ANGELA
I'll be fine. Worry about yourself.

Pam rolls her eyes and goes back to helping Phyllis.

Angela stands on top of the conference table. She extends
her arm but can't reach the ceiling. She tries over and over
again, getting more frustrated as she goes along, the disco
ball bumping into her face with every failed attempt.



INT. OFFICE - JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS - D2

Dwight is playing with a Geiger counter at his desk. Jim
stops working to watch him.

Dwight waves the Geiger counter over Jim's phone.

JIM
Do you mind?

Dwight waves the Geiger counter over his own desk.

JIM (CONT'D)
What are you doing?

DWIGHT
Even with my superior senses, I
can't detect radiation. I'm going
to use this Geiger counter in my
search.

JIM
For the alien.

DWIGHT
For the alien.

JIM
I'm sorry, I just have to know - do
you really believe an alien crashed
in Carbondale?

DWIGHT
I believe something crashed there,
yes. Alien? Perhaps. A piece of a
Soviet spacecraft? Possible. The
point is that there's something
there. And the government doesn't
want us to know. Just like how they
hide information about the gangs of
ninjas that roam the streets of
Chicago.

Jim throws a look at the camera -- Chicago? He shakes his
head.

JIM
So, you're just going to go to this
pond that's filled with mine waste
and use the Geiger counter?

DWIGHT
That's not all. I have other
instruments.

JIM
Go on.

DWIGHT
I've got a metal detector, thermal
camera, photography equipment -
everything one would need to look
for life from other planets.

JIM
You would know about being from
another planet.

DWIGHT
(to himself)
Idiot.

Jim smirks at the camera.

JIM
So, when are you doing this?

DWIGHT
I don't want to lose daylight. I'm
going on my lunch break.

JIM
Um... can I come?



INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - D2

Michael walks in and is delighted by the decorations.

MICHAEL
Wow! You guys really went all out.
(puts on a pair of the neon-colored
Lennon glasses, bad Lennon
impression) All you need is love.
(he switches on the lava lamp) Far
out.

Jim enters and notices the disco ball, which is sitting in
the trash can. He walks over to Pam.

ANGELA
Someone needs to pick up the cake.

JIM
(eagerly)
Pam and I will do it.

PAM
(confused)
What?

JIM
(to Pam)
Trust me.



EXT. PARKING LOT - LATER - D2

Dwight, Jim, and Pam are standing near Dwight's Transam.
Dwight opens his trunk to reveal that it is packed with UFO
hunting gear.

Jim and Pam share an excited, amused look.



DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
Are Jim and Pam qualified to assist
me on this mission? No. Who is?
John Keel. He investigated the
Mothman incidents in Point
Pleasant, West Virginia and is an
expert ufologist. (beat) Also, Fox
Mulder.



JIM AND PAM TALKING HEAD

JIM
Why would I help Dwight with this?
(grins) Why wouldn't I help Dwight
with this?

PAM
I had my doubts. But it gets us out
of the office, so...



EXT. PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS - D2

DWIGHT
It could get messy out there. The
government could still have agents
keeping an eye on the place. Just
follow my lead and you should make
it out alive.

Dwight gets into the car. Jim and Pam discretely high-five.



INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - D2

Phyllis and Angela are putting the finishing touches on
decorations. Michael is watching the lava lamp.

OSCAR and KEVIN enter.

OSCAR
This looks really good. Nice job.

KEVIN
Is the cake here yet?

ANGELA
(annoyed)
No, Kevin, the cake isn't here yet.
Didn't you stuff your face enough
at your desk this morning?

KEVIN
(quietly)
No.

CREED enters and looks confused.

CREED
Is this room a time machine? (to
Oscar) My man, where can I score
the good hasheesh?

Oscar shakes his head.



INT. DWIGHT'S TRANSAM - D2

The car is driving down a rocky dirt road.

JIM
Where are we going?

DWIGHT
The breaker is in the back of this
park. Are you scared?

JIM
That you'll murder us in a deserted
park? Yes.

Dwight scowls.



EXT. MINE BREAKER - A FEW MINUTES LATER - D2

Dwight, Jim, and Pam are standing at the end of a dirt road.
The UFO hunting gear sits at their feet.

A park is visible in the distance and a nondescript
garage-like building is behind them.

Before them is a large mine breaker that looks like a big,
dirty pond. The water appears to be a shade of gray.

JIM
This is it?

DWIGHT
Yes.

JIM
It's disgusting.

PAM
(pointing to garage-like
building)
What's that?

DWIGHT
That's where the local taxidermist
skins animal corpses and stores the
bodies.

PAM
(disgusted)
Oh, my God.

JIM
Maybe we should just go back to the
office.

DWIGHT
I didn't come all the way out here
for nothing. You wanted to help.
You said you felt bad for the stuff
with my car and the Large Hadron
Collider.

Jim looks at the camera -- he's not that sorry about that
stuff.

JIM
We could probably get sick from
this.

Dwight picks up the Geiger counter.

DWIGHT
We'll be fine. I have a survival
kit. Do either of you know anything
about surviving in the wild?

Jim shakes his head. Pam nods very slowly.



PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM
I was a girl scout, so I know a
little about first aid. Well, I was
a brownie. And never actually got a
first aid badge. But I did get a
Watching Wildlife badge, so if an
animal attacks Dwight, I can...
watch. (beat) Or Dancercize,
because I got that badge too.



DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

Dwight is showing off the contents of his survival kit to
the camera. It contains rope, matches, a poncho, toilet
paper, fishing line and a fishing pole, a candle, dental
floss, first aid kit, a rape whistle, and a can of Spam.

DWIGHT
If the worst case scenario occurred
and I was forced to choose which
one I would cannibalize, I would
choose Jim. I would want to eat his
heart to absorb his courage and
sales skills. (beat) I would eat
Pam if I wanted to menstruate and
be mediocre at drawing.



EXT. MINE BREAKER - CONTINUOUS - D2

Dwight hands Jim the metal detector and gives Pam the
thermal camera.

DWIGHT
(to Jim)
You, look for pieces of the
spacecraft around the bank. (to
Pam) You, look for crop circles.
(holds up the Geiger counter) I'll
check for radiation.

Pam and Jim share a look then set out on their separate
duties.

DWIGHT
(to camera)
What do I know about aliens? In
short, everything. I vacationed in
Roswell and in high school I
skipped a week of classes to visit
the forest in Kecksburg. I had to
go to summer school because of
that, but... still worth it. (beat)
Best tasting squirrels I've ever
had.


PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM
Do I believe in aliens? Um, I don't
know. It's a big universe. Anything
can happen, right? But, still, I
don't think an alien crashed here.
Although, if one did... it would
really explain Dwight.

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D2

Michael is sitting at his desk, staring at the blacklight
poster of mushrooms.

He begins using his computer to look up music for the party.

MICHAEL
(to camera)
Angela said she made a mix CD of
sixties music. So it probably
sucks. Because she's Angela.
Instead, I'm going to make a CD of
songs that remind me of the
sixties. (pause) Like Eddie
Murphy's classic "Party All the
Time."



INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - D2

RYAN and KELLY are helping Phyllis and Angela with
decorations.

KELLY
So then, I'm like, Oh no! Do I wear
the Raspberry Sunset lip gloss or
the Banana Sunrise lip gloss?
Because that is a major decision
that could affect, like, my whole
life, you know? It's serious
business. You can't play around
with lip gloss in situations like
that.

RYAN
(uninterested)
Uh-huh.

KELLY
So, after I picked out the lip
gloss, uh-oh! I don't have any
accessories! So, I have to decide
earrings or necklace? Earrings or
necklace? Earrings or -

ANGELA
Get out!

Ryan looks relieved -- he'll have a few minutes away from
Kelly, finally.

ANGELA (CONT'D)
Both of you, get out.

Ryan looks dejected. Kelly takes him by the arm.

KELLY
Come on. I can show you those
totally cute hats online.

Ryan looks like he has just been handed a death sentence.



EXT. MINE BREAKER - D2

Jim is walking along the bank of the pond with the metal
detector. He waves it over the surface of the pond and looks
amused. He points into the water.

The camera zooms to reveal a rusty bicycle submerged in the
shallows.

JIM
(to camera)
Dwight asked me to take the metal
detector and write a detailed
report about my findings. (beat) So
far I've found old beer cans and a
broken watch.



LATER

Dwight is waving the Geiger counter over a bush. He looks up
and watches Jim in the distance, throwing rocks into the
middle of the water.

DWIGHT
(to camera)
Jim thinks that the Carbondale
alien is just a man who gets a shot
that makes him glow in the dark.
False. That was an episode of The
Simpsons and Jim is an idiot.

Pam approaches him.

PAM
I couldn't find any crop circles.
Probably because there aren't any
crops in Carbondale. And we're in
the middle of a city park.

DWIGHT
You just weren't trying hard
enough.

Dwight and Pam begin watching Jim together. He is using a
long stick to try and fish the bicycle out of the water.

PAM
(yelling to Jim)
You're going to get a disease!

She starts walking over to Jim.

DWIGHT
Fine. I'll just look for the crop
circles, too. I'll do everything by
myself. Idiots.



INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D2

Michael has a rotating disco ball lamp on his desk. He turns
it on and dots of colored light begin spinning around the
room.

He opens a desk drawer and is surprised to find a piece of
candy. He happily unwraps it and puts it in his mouth. He
grimaces and spits the candy back into the wrapper. He wraps
the candy back up and puts it in his pocket.

He looks at his watch and sighs.



EXT. MINE BREAKER - D2

Jim and Pam are working together to pull the bicycle from
the water using sticks.

EXT. MINE BREAKER - LATER - D2

The camera finds the bicycle on the bank of the pond. It
turns to see...

Jim and Pam are sitting on a large rock together. They are
bored with their alien finding duties and are watching
Dwight bait a fishing hook.

JIM
(to Dwight)
You're not going to catch anything.
Look at that water.

DWIGHT
There are fish in here. Look.

Jim decides to humor him and gets up. He looks into the
water and is shocked to see a few small minnow fish
swimming.

JIM
Wow. But you know someone had to
put them there, right? No way those
got here naturally.

DWIGHT
The fact that this water can
sustain animal life proves a theory
of mine.

JIM
And what is your theory?

Dwight puts the fishing pole down and takes off his shirt.
Jim adverts his eyes as Dwight begins unbuckling his pants.

Pam, horrified, buries her face in her hands and turns away.

JIM
(looking up at the sky)
Dwight, stop. This - What are you
doing!?

Dwight is walking into the water. He walks out until the
water is up to his waist.

JIM
Dwight! Get out of there! You'll
get sick!

DWIGHT
It's fine!

Dwight dives under.

JIM
Oh, my God!

PAM
(still not looking, concerned)
Is he naked?

JIM
No. He's swimming in it.

Pam uncovers her eyes and looks toward the water. Dwight is
swimming across to water to the opposite bank.

PAM
Ew. Ew. Ew!

JIM
That can't be healthy.

Dwight reaches the opposite bank and sits down.

DWIGHT
(yelling)
Tastes like chocolate milk and
sardines!

Jim looks at the camera -- is this really happening?



INT. OFFICE - RECEPTION AREA - D2

Michael is standing by Pam's empty desk, looking at the door
eagerly.

MICHAEL
(to camera)
Angela is getting the DJ. A DJ! I
didn't think this party could be
this awesome. I hope he has a cool
name, like DJ Tanner.

Angela enters the office, carrying a CD player.

MICHAEL
(disappointed)
What is that?

ANGELA
It's the Disc Jam. My CD player.

MICHAEL
A CD player? Seriously, Angela? You
said DJ.

ANGELA
Which is short for Disc Jam CD
player.

MICHAEL
No. It's short for 'you are a
liar.'

ANGELA
We only had forty dollars to put
this party on.

MICHAEL
That's enough for a bad DJ!



EXT. MINE BREAKER - D2

Dwight is back on shore with Jim and Pam. He is wearing a
small towel that barely covers him.

JIM
And what did that prove?

DWIGHT
I was testing the water quality to
see if it had been altered by the
spacecraft.

JIM
And?

DWIGHT
Results were inconclusive.

JIM
Okay, this is ridiculous. Let's
just go pick up the cake and go
back to the office.

DWIGHT
But -

JIM
Dwight, there's no alien. There's
nothing here but mine waste, beer
cans, and animal bones!

Behind them, a spot on the other side of the pond begins to
send up bubbles. Dwight throws his towel down and begins
running for the water. Jim reaches out for him but thinks
better of it and recoils. He picks up a beer can and lobs it
at Dwight.

JIM
Stop!

Dwight dives into the water.

PAM
Should we take him to the hospital?

JIM
(after a beat)
Yeah.



INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - D2

Everyone is seated around the conference table, looking
bored. Michael is wearing a pair of the neon-colored Lennon
sunglasses and is wearing all of the love bead necklaces.

PHYLLIS
They should have been back with the
cake by now.

ANGELA
They are the two most irresponsible
people in the office.

MICHAEL
This party blows.

The sound of the office door opening and closing.

JIM (O.S.)
It was for your own good!

DWIGHT (O.S.)
They put me in a decontamination
shower!

JIM (O.S.)
You'll thank us when you don't have
cancer.

Pam, Jim, and Dwight enter the conference room. Pam is
carrying the cake. Dwight is wearing a hospital bracelet.

PAM
Sorry we're late. (sets down the
cake) Something... came up.

MICHAEL
Finally! (he opens the cake box and
looks disappointed)

The cake reads "Happy Anniversary Michelle."

Michael grimaces at the camera.

ANGELA
That's not what I ordered!

PHYLLIS
I'll call and order another one.

MICHAEL
(dejected)
No. Just forget it. This is fine.
(pulls index cards out of his
pocket) Before we cut the cake,
there are some speeches that need
to be made.

Michael hands index cards to Jim, Pam, Dwight, and Oscar.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Pam, you go first.

PAM
(reading from card)
Michael, we became so close since I
first started working here. I think
of myself as your hot daughter that
you pay to send faxes, which is the
best kind of daughter. (stops) I'm
not reading this.

JIM
(folding his index card and
putting it in his back pocket)
You know what? Why don't we do
speeches later? Let's just have
some cake, huh?

MICHAEL
Oh, but your speech is really good.

JIM
I bet it is, but lets just have
some cake.

MICHAEL
Okay.

Michael picks up a knife.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Dibs on the 'M'!

PAM
Whatever you want.

Michael cuts into the middle of the cake and cuts around the
letter M. He lifts the piece of cake onto a plate for
himself then steps away.

Pam looks at the cake, which now has a hole in it and no
other pieces cut out, then looks at the camera and frowns.



INT. OFFICE - RECEPTION AREA - D2

Jim and Pam are standing at the desk, sharing a piece of
cake. Pam is again wearing the tie-dye headband. Jim is
wearing a peace sign necklace.

JIM
Worst day ever?

PAM
(thinking about it)
It's up there.

JIM
We saw Dwight half-naked.

PAM
He touched us with his contaminated
hands. I'll have nightmares for
days.

JIM
I'll have nightmares for weeks.

PAM
I'll have nightmares for months.

JIM
I'll have nightmares for years.

PAM
I'll have nightmares forever.

JIM
(smiling)
You win.



INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - D2

Dwight is sitting in a chair near the door. Michael brings
him a piece of cake and sits next to him.

MICHAEL
What happened to you?

DWIGHT
I swam in a contaminated pond.

Michael nods.

MICHAEL
(sadly)
Yeah. (beat) My blacklight poster
doesn't work.

They eat cake in silence.



LATER

Everyone is seated at the conference table. Jim is standing
before them, holding the index card Michael gave him. He
looks to Pam, who is holding Michael's video camera.

JIM
(to Pam)
Ready?

PAM
(pushes the record button on
the camera)
Action.

JIM
Okay.(reads from index card)
Michael, you're more than a boss to
me. You're... my best friend. You
are the heart of this office. Maybe
even also the lungs. I'm not really
sure where the lungs are.
Definitely not the appendix,
because that's useless. We still
have the appendix. It's (slowly)
Toby. (looks up, shoots Toby an
apologetic look, keeps reading)
Useless and waiting to explode and
kill your happiness.

Toby sighs.

TOBY
(quietly)
Come on.

JIM
(reading)
Michael, you are the... gratest?

MICHAEL
'Greatest.' Typo.

JIM
Okay.

Jim folds the index card and tosses it toward the garbage
can. It hits the disco ball that's still in the trash can
and falls to the floor.

Jim holds up a plastic Smiley face cup.

JIM (CONT'D)
To Michael. May you have another
fifteen years at Dunder-Mifflin.

Everyone holds up their glasses.

Jim takes a seat next to Pam. Michael stands up.

MICHAEL
Jim, that was beautiful. Thank you.
Thanks everybody for making today
special. I... love you all. You are
like my children that I don't live
with. Your mother and I got a
divorce and you spend most of your
time with her, but I'm not a
deadbeat dad. I make the most of
our time together.

Jim looks at the camera -- where is this going?

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
The point is, we're a family. We
love each other, (points to Jim and
Pam), we hate each other (points to
Toby), sometimes we want to
strangle each other for being
idiots (points to Dwight), but at
the end of the day, all we have is
each other, and all I have is you.

Everyone is a little uncomfortable. This is awkward.

Jim stands up.

JIM
To Michael!

Everyone raises their glasses again then drinks.

Jim shakes Michael's hand.

Michael smiles. He is truly touched.



MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
Today was my anniversary with
Dunder-Mifflin. It was a great day.
There were speeches, there was
cake, there was music... it was an
extravaganza. Everyone had a great
time.

He holds up his yellow legal pad. He has scratched out "15th
Anniversary Ideas" and written below that "30th Anniversary
Ideas."

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
They ain't seen nothing yet.



JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
Lets see. I pulled a bike from a
pond of mine waste. I saw Dwight
half-naked. Dwight touched me with
his mine waste water hands. Michael
called me his child. So, how was my
day? (shakes his head and walks
away from the camera)

TAG

FADE IN:

EXT. MINE BREAKER - NIGHT - D2

Dwight's Transam pulls up to the end of the dirt road.

Dwight gets out of the car and walks toward the water.

He walks around the bank of the pond until he reaches the
BICYCLE that Jim fished out of the water.

He picks up the bicycle and wheels it, with difficulty, back
to his car.

He puts the bicycle in his trunk, with difficulty, then
throws a pointed look at the camera.

He gets back into his car and drives off.



END OF SHOW