"So, Pam what are your thoughts on the potential buy-out?"

 

Her thoughts? 

 

Who could form a coherent thought when all you heard was a different rumor everyday? One day your bacon had been saved because only the higher-ups had been fired, and the very next day maybe a different offer was on the table.  Maybe the new company (whoever it was) actually didn't care at all about the Scranton branch's success because it was just a part of a larger, more effed up system and things had to change.  Or better still, there were a couple of branches worth saving and the two of them just might just be merged or relocated. Or the final rumor which involved the buyer retaining only the highest selling salespeople and letting all unessential personnel go.

 

It'll suck if that happens Pam, but at least one of us will still have a job...That counts for something right? And you'll find a job really quickly...But don't even worry about it, because it's not going to happen. We're all keeping our jobs.

 

Jim's words from the other night came floating back through her brain and she took as deep of a breath as she could in her current state of pregnant.

 

"Um...there are a lot of rumors going around still, so it's hard to say," she said finally answering Dave's question.  She shifted in her conference room seat. "We haven't even heard who the buyer is yet...so that's a little stressful...but...I mean, it's all gonna be fine.  I'm sure that whatever happens, that everyone here - maybe not everyone...but the people who are essential to the company will...I mean we make money here and..."

 

There was a sudden hitch in her throat.  That's how it came on these days; tears so sudden and out of nowhere.

 

Pam covered her eyes with one hand and looked down.

 

Dave, lifted one hand in signal to the crew. "Let's take a second ok guys?"

 

Without looking up, Pam nodded a quick thanks towards Dave and beat a hasty path towards the exit.

 

Across the room, Jim looked up from his desk and watched her round the corner past reception and then out into the hall.  He froze for a moment, his ability to comprehend what was happening on the other end of his phone conversation halted as he watched her dab at her eyes.

 

"Hey...I'm sorry...Randall? I know I've been hounding you all morning and this isn't very professional or fair of me, but can I give you a call back? Yeah something just came up here.  Yeah, kind of an emergency...No, no...absolutely I'm still interested and I guarantee you I'm calling back in fifteen minutes.  Don't talk to anyone else!" Jim said, injecting some levity. "Ok? Ok...thank you so much. I'll call you back in 15."

 

He moved so quickly he barely heard Dwight mutter, "Hormonal much?"

 

Jim glared at Dwight and kept walking past reception and out into the hall.  Pam was pacing in front of the elevator bank.

 

"Hey," he said first.  She dabbed at her eyes with the end of her sleeve.  She never had tissues when she needed them.  He should have brought some out, but that would have given away the fact that he'd been watching her.  Not that his sudden appearance now, wasn't enough to give that away. "What happened in there?"

 

She shook her head hastily. "Nothing...Just..."

 

Jim watched her hand circle her belly, once...twice...three times before she spoke again.  The number of times she touched her belly these days seemed to share some kind of relation to how stressed she was.  Three circles was kind of a lot. 

 

"They were asking about the buy-out and I just...I know I need to not stress out about things I can't control -

 

"Right," Jim said quickly. Exactly.  "Everything's going to be fine...I'm serious," he added when she smiled disbelievingly.

 

There'd been a time when Pam Beesly had believed almost everything that came out of his mouth.  In fact, for all intents and purposes Pam Beesly was the easiest person on the planet to prank.  He'd done it himself for years, convincing her that he wasn't in love with her from the moment he met her.

 

Right now what he really needed was for her to buy the impression he was doing of a guy who had this all figured out. A guy who had every confidence that everything was going to be fine; his wife and his baby would be well taken care of - buy out or no buy out.

 

She looked down at her feet and he knew she wasn't convinced.

 

"I think you're up next," she said sniffling. "I saw your name on the call sheet after mine."

 

Jim glanced at his watch. He had seven minutes until he absolutely had to call Randall back...He couldn't be late. "I might have to reschedule it."

 

Pam lifted her eyebrows in surprise.  Yeah...it wasn't like him to want to postpone a Talking Head.  Not when they were the best way to get out of doing work for a little while. 

"I just...I have a call with corporate that can't wait," Jim said, hating himself a little bit for lying to her. He'd tell her later. He would.

 

"Oh," Pam said frowning. "Ok."

 

Randall was not from corporate. Randall was a guy who manufactured cardboard boxes for a living. The very same cardboard boxes that Dunder-Mifflin used to ship their paper in. And if all of this buy-out stuff didn't pan out, Jim could maybe see himself getting into the cardboard box business - throw himself in front of yet another train for awhile.

 

The persistent line of worry that seemed to show up between Pam's brows lately, settled there once more and he knew he couldn't tell her about this or any of the other interviews he was planning on lining up today.  Right now, he needed to be 100% confident that this Dunder-Mifflin was going to pull through this.

 

"Is your head ok?"

 

"...I'm fine..." She said shaking off his question. "Do you want me to tell them?"

 

"What?"

 

"Do you want me to let Dave know that you need to reschedule?"

 

"Oh, no I got it...Don't worry about it." Jim said, still watching her closely.

 

Pam sighed. "I wasn't worrying about it, I just..."

 

Jim closed the distance between them with a quick kiss on her forehead.  "Ok, I'm gonna get back to work then. You're ok right?"

 

She only nodded.

 

She wasn't worried about a damned Talking Head. She worried about things though. Like the fact that he absolutely did not have a phone call to make to corporate.  They'd talked earlier this week about how there seemed to be some kind of communication freeze with corporate.  If he'd had something lined up with them, he surely would have been more excited about it. 

 

She worried that maybe she and Jim wouldn't have a job in a matter of just a few days.  More than that though, she worried about other things that made no sense.  Things like whether she was becoming a nuisance to Jim and whether maybe she and the baby were tethering him to something he didn't want to be tethered to, and maybe all of this whole thing was going to swallow them up somehow.

 

Pam pinched the bridge of her nose where a dull ache settled and she turned to punch the down button for the elevator.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

"Hey..." Jim said shutting the conference room door behind him softly. "Dave...I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to reschedule...maybe this afternoon?"

 

"Sure thing, Jim," Dave said nodding.  "Hey, is Pam ok?  She was a little upset earlier."

 

Jim nodded. "Yeah...just...What did she say in here?"

 

Dave lifted an eyebrow. "Jim you know we can't tell you exactly what anyone says...even your wife."

 

"Are you serious? You guys are gonna get strict about confidentiality now? I'm pretty sure you've told me about a thousand things that Michael's said just to get my reaction on camera..."

 

Dave sighed. That was accurate and fair.

 

"She just...It just seemed like she was really stressed about this buy-out thing.  She mentioned rumors she'd heard and how no one really knows what's going on...Just...the uncertainty I think."

 

Jim licked his suddenly very dry lips.  It wasn't anything she hadn't told him herself. "Ok, thanks."

 

He turned and walked back to his office, noticing that her seat was still empty on his way back. Jim loosened his tie a bit and moved to his window, sure enough she was in the parking lot, pacing around with her cell phone pressed against her ear.  Most likely she was talking to her mother.

 

Jim sat down and stared at the picture of their baby that he had on his desk.

 

Pam's blood pressure was too high.  Not too high thankfully. Otherwise her doctor threatened to put her on bed rest.  But it was high enough for the doctor to threaten, and they couldn't afford bed rest. They also couldn't afford blood pressure that was too high.   Yet, there she was downstairs pacing around in the December cold on the phone with her mother.

 

He'd already told her that everything was going to be fine.  How many times did he have to say...

 

Like you have a whole lot of control over that Halpert? Get a clue.  She knows you're as helpless as she is.  Maybe even more so.  Maybe instead of getting rid of trainable salespeople, they'll just get rid of all the truly inept middle management.  You think that means Michael? No, that means you.

 

Jim pulled the file that he'd pushed to the side of his desk back out in front of him.  It was marked, simply: Prospects. When he opened it, Randall's phone number was the first he saw.  He picked up the phone and dialed.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Honey, I know you're worried but getting yourself this worked up isn't going to help ...and the last thing you need is to get put on bed rest.  You're certainly not going to alleviate any stress by having to do that...Well - you know what I mean."

 

Pam hunched over as the wind blew past her free ear and she slowed her walking. "I just...I wish he would just tell me things...I feel like I'm going crazy."

 

"Oh you mean like you're telling him right now?"

 

"Mom whose side are you on!"

 

"Your's Honey...which means it's my job to try and tell you what I think will work best for your marriage, and what's best for your marriage is for you to be telling Jim all of these things."

 

"I know I just...I feel like all he does is tell me that everything's going to be fine."

 

"What a bastard."

 

"Mom!"

 

"I know, I'm sorry Honey...You know I don't mean to be flippant, but...Ok, you know what I think this is?"

 

"If you say hormones -

 

"Would I say that? For the love of Pete, you still know me better than that I hope."

 

"What is it?" Pam sighed.

 

"I think...that you and Jim still haven't quite learned how to have a proper fight."

 

"That's because this isn't a fight. I don't want to fight. I just want to know what's going on...and we fight plenty."

 

"No Honey, you don't...You've said so yourself to me a time or two and that's the exact issue...I think your experience tells you that when you're stressed out, the man that you're with...let's say for instance - Roy...doesn't really want to hear about it, and in fact he got pissed whenever you were stressed, right?  Roy's idea of problem solving was a six pack and ultimate fighting."

 

Pam nodded and then realized her mother couldn't see her.  She wiped at the tears that formed at the corners of her eyes. "Right," she said finally.

 

"And now with Jim, you know that he listens but you, and you know that he's got all the same stresses you do...plus one because he's the boss now..."

 

"Right."

 

"So Honey, I'm just saying cut him some slack....You're dealing with a different animal here and so is he. Jim suddenly cares about his job and he's just as stressed as you are, but he's also an optimist...and slightly old fashioned in that you know...he wants to provide for you - and I think that's nice."

 

"I think it's nice too Mom, but I need him to...I don't know...just...share."

 

"Honey. I think it's going to be fine."

 

Pam nodded. She was a little sick of hearing that word and not feeling it.  Things did not feel fine.  She felt like she couldn't breathe.  And it wasn't the cold air.  And it wasn't the baby pressing against her.

 

She was starting to feel things she hadn't felt in awhile.  Like insecure.  Like...off. A little like the Pam who used to sit behind the reception desk upstairs and wonder whether it would be weird if she put on gloss.

 

"There's...Mom, there's something else..."

 

Helene became quiet on the other end.

 

"This is...I need you to just be...my best friend for a minute, ok?"

 

"This is about sex?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Honey it's completely normal that in your 7th month of pregnancy things get a little awkward or -

 

"No! That's not..." Pam started to cry. "Mom we're not...like not at all."

 

Her mother sighed. "Oh baby...

 

 

Pam cried on her end of the phone. "I know you're going to say it's normal and I...I just can't remember the last time...I mean no, I can...and I keep telling myself it's stress related.  He's just tired -

 

"Pamela Morgan of course that's what it is. For both of you, I assure you."

 

"No, not for me...for me it's not..." For me it's like I'm missing a part of myself, she wanted to say but didn't.  I feel empty.

 

Pam sniffled quietly and sat down on the cold bench outside.  Her hands were freezing and her nose was running.

 

Helene sighed. "Oh Honey...H - how long has it been?" She finished awkwardly.

 

"Over three weeks."

 

Helene groaned "Sweetheart, are you kidding me?  You're this upset over three weeks? For God's sake the man must be a God."

 

"Mom!"

 

"Honey, by normal standards that is not -

 

"Well, I'm sorry, but it's a long time for us...God, even when I was at Pratt we..." she sniffled. "I'm sorry I'm telling you this...You think I don't know I sound crazy?"

 

"It's ok...I know you two have always been quite...active. I was at all those bridal fittings, remember? I get it."

 

Pam sighed. "But now...It's like he doesn't even see me when we get home...And I feel so fat, and ugly, and scared -

 

"Ok," Helene said cutting her daughter off. "Here's what you're going to do -  You're going to hang up with me, and you're going to tell Jim that the two of you are going home early and when you get home...you - you know..." Helene said sheepishly. "You two do whatever it is that floats your boats."

 

Pam giggled through her tears.  "I love you, Mom."

 

"Oh honey, I love you too...Next time you want to talk about sex though...maybe you should call your sister. My poor brain is doing somersaults right now giving my daughter advice about this."

 

Pam smiled again. "Ok, I'll talk to you soon."

 

"Bye Honey."

 

"Bye."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jim hung up with Randall and nodded.  Their conversation had gone well. The salary offer wasn't exactly stellar. Not as much as he was getting paid now, but decent...

 

You can't afford a pay cut.

 

Jim sighed and pulled the manila file folder back out.  He drew a skull and cross bones next to Randall's name and moved down the list.

 

The next few names belonged to more suppliers or sales contacts he'd made along the way. Some even from Stamford, actually several from Stamford.

 

God, the house...

 

But if there was a job in Stamford then...What was that company Karen had almost gone to work for when the two branches were about to merge?  Jim tried to think of the name of the place where he'd mistakenly talked Karen out of taking a job.  Was it an ink pen manufacturer?...No, maybe highlighters and correction fluid...Oh shit, who even used correction fluid anymore? They were probably going out of business too...

 

Stop it.  Now you're being defeatist, Jim thought. Taking a deep breath, he lifted the phone and dialed Karen's number.  The more contacts the better right?

 

He'd had to call her a few other times for business reasons and things were ok now. She was married with a kid of her own and things were fine.  Still a little of that Once Upon a Time I Dumped you awkwardness, but nothing more. There was no bite when she spoke to him anymore.

 

Rolando patched him through instantly.

 

"Hey Karen, it's Jim...Hey, yeah...No, I'm good...good. You?"

 

"Oh I'm just glad somebody's good because everyone here is shitting themselves, Halpert."

 

Jim laughed.  It was his first laugh of the day. "No...actually yeah. I'm doing that too.  Hey...um, speaking of shitting yourself, I was wondering about that company - the one you almost went to work for that time. Remember?...Back in Stamford?" Jim added awkwardly.

 

"Oh you mean the one I didn't go to work for because I was following a boy to some Podunk town in Pennsylvania?"

 

Jim was silent for a long moment.

 

"Halpert, I'm joking. Relax, ok?"

 

Jim sighed in relief. "Yeah, that's the one I'm talking about."

 

"You want their contact info? I was thinking of calling them myself actually...I mean who knows about this thing right? I hear Scranton is gonna be ok...but I heard that about us too originally."

 

"Oh," Jim said, rubbing the back of his neck.  He had a knot the size of Mexico on the right side.

 

"Oh, no don't worry about it...I'll still give you the number," Karen said, mistakenly taking the dismay in his voice as concern over them both going for the same position again.   She laughed, "Chances are they'll want me more than they want you after I set up an interview though...So you know - look alive Halpert."

 

Jim laughed nervously and removed a pen from the cup on his desk in order to take down all the information.

 

The knock on the door had him looking up.  When Pam glanced around the side through the window he smiled and beckoned her in.

 

She pulled the chair that was opposite him over to the side so she could sit next to him instead and waited for his call to end.  Her eyes wandered, settling upon the photo of their baby that was right next to his hand, to the stack of papers in his inbox, and finally to the open internet mail on his monitor that announced he had forty new messages. 

 

He was just busy.  Her mother was right.  It had nothing to do with how desirable she was or not.  He was just...busy.

 

They both just needed a break from all of this.  Her mother was so smart.

 

Jim sounded like he was finishing up his call. "Yeah...ok...No, thanks so much," he said and then laughed loudly at something whoever he was talking to said.

 

Pam smiled. It was the first time she'd heard him laugh in...She was more than likely exaggerating, but it felt like days.

 

She watched as he shut the file he'd been writing in.

 

"Ok...no I really appreciate it....Ok, good luck to you too. No, yeah...Absolutely we should.  Ok, yeah...I guess you guys could call us. Ok...bye."

 

With that, he hung up and looked at her.  Pam smiled at him and then asked something...stupid.

 

"How are things at corporate?"

 

He looked blank for a second.

 

That's why it was stupid. She'd already known he'd lied about it. What had she needed? Confirmation?  Pam bit her bottom lip.

 

"Oh...that...I didn't really get much out of them."

 

He'll tell you. He always tells you once he's ready to talk.  He's just not ready yet.  This is how Jim operates.  He's always been a little cagey at first when something's really bothering him and then he eventually lets you in...It's just another one of those things. Stay focused on why you came in here.

 

Leaning forward she clasped her hands together on her knee and smiled widely. "Hey...what do you say we get out of here early today, Boss?....We could go see a movie or just...go home instead...do some...stuff," she said the last with a suggestive wiggle of her eyebrows.

 

He smiled back at her. "Oh that sounds...really good. I just...I have all this work to get through," he said glancing at the stack of papers in his inbox.

 

She'd just seen the same stack.  There was a stack. He wasn't lying.  He did have work to do.

 

Why did she feel the world slipping out from underneath her feet just the same?

 

Why are you being so melodramatic? Because he's laughing at someone else's jokes on the phone.  That was genuine laughter and he hasn't been that easy with you in weeks. That's why.  This isn't your imagination and you're right. You're right to be worried about no sex for almost a month.  This is you and Jim...don't start second guessing what you know to be true behind closed doors.

 

It's not just the sex. He's not talking to you the way he used to.  Fuck being the boss, his first job is to be your husband.

 

Ok...deep breath...try harder.  Let him see that you miss him, but don't be too needy.

 

"That stuff can't wait?" Pam asked, her smile wavering.

 

"Pam..." Jim took a deep breath. "I just...I don't want to give whoever is buying us out any reason not to keep me. I want to be just...super on top of everything."

 

Make a joke.

 

"On top of everything huh?" Pam said suggestively again.

 

Jim leaned back in his chair and grinned at her.  Humoring her, or real?  "You're feisty today."

 

Pam shrugged and rubbed his knee. "It's just...you know..."  Say it's been a long time. Say, I miss you.  This is what you do now, remember? You say what you want. You say it out loud.

 

But she was saying it and he was blowing her off.  Right?  Should she really have to beg for her husband's attention?  Who turned down sex in the middle of the day?

 

"I know...believe me..." Jim said.

 

Pam watched his eyes dart to the folder beneath his hands again.  What the hell was that?

 

He sighed. "Tonight...I swear...ok?  Just let me get through some of the stuff in my inbox and then...how about I make you dinner tonight?"

 

"You don't have to make me dinner, Halpert.  You may have forgotten, but I'm pretty easy."

 

"Yeah...Just give me a few more hours ok?  I think I'm gonna have to stay till at least 5:30 today."

 

She felt herself nodding even as her heart dropped a little bit lower in her chest. She rubbed her belly.

 

He's hiding something.

 

"Ok," she said nodding.  She got up quickly then so he wouldn't see the sudden sheen of tears in her eyes.  Fuck, stop crying. God...

 

Jim leaned back in his chair for a moment when she walked out. He'd seen the look she wore on her face just one other time.  No, scratch that - he'd seen it about a dozen times - the expression had just always been the result of something Roy had done. 

 

It was called disappointment.  To Jim, it felt worse than anger. Worse than if she'd stood there in his office and called him every name in the book.

 

Fuck that.  You are not Roy. Every bone in Roy's fucking body was selfish...everything you're doing right now is for her.  Did she really believe you'd rather be sitting here at this stupid desk, in this stupid office, calling people for other stupid jobs!

 

Well you should have probably told her that you dumb ass.  She's not a mind reader.

 

Jim took a deep breath and cradled his head in his hands, digging his fingers into his hair.

 

His goal for today had been to get through this list. He couldn't make these stupid calls at home.  Her headaches...her headaches and the blood pressure thing...

 

Even after she'd told him not to look things up on the internet because they would just freak him out, he had anyway.  All kinds of bad things happened to late term pregnant women with high blood pressure...Preeclampsia...

 

Not that she had that. She was fine...she just needed to relax. 

 

The best way he knew to relieve her stress was to work hard and make this entire situation right for them.  Make it so she didn't have to worry about this anymore.

 

Jim took a deep breath and opened the folder. Dialed the next name on the list. There had to be better options out there...just in case.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 No Copyright infringement is intended. This is just for fun.

 

 

It was after 6pm when they finally left the office; Jim with his briefcase and several files under his arm as they made their way to their SUV.  She could do nothing but stare at his back and those stupid files as he rounded to the driver's side. 

 

When he carried things under his arm it meant he was planning on working on something at home.  He said it was because if he put them away into his briefcase he'd just find a way to act like they weren't there once they got home.

 

"Oh no...see I'm really good at tricking my brain into believing I have nothing to do,"  he'd joked after they'd first gotten back from their honeymoon.

 

These days he wasn't so good at tricking his brain anymore.

 

She thought briefly (and slightly insanely) about pulling the files from under his arm and scattering their contents around the parking lot - letting the wind blow them all away.  With her luck though, he'd probably go running after all of them and wind up catching each one.

 

Pam knew she should have been admiring the pride he was taking in his job lately, but all she could think every time she saw all that work under his arm was, "Goodbye evening with your new husband."

 

Tonight, instead of spending time together he'd sit on the living room sofa only half paying attention to what she said, and then she would go out into her studio and not paint. Because she couldn't. Because as it turned out, Pam did her best work when she was happy.

 

In fact, was pretty hard-pressed to understand all the classic masterpieces that had been created under circumstances of extreme misery.  All misery did was make her feel uninspired. All misery created for her were more blank canvases.

 

The baby interrupted her thoughts, pressing solidly against her lower side. Pam leaned her head back against the headrest, shutting her eyes to the sudden intense pressure. 

 

"You ok?....."

 

She nodded silently with her eyes still shut.

 

"You sure?...I'm sorry we're just now leaving" Jim said sighing. 

 

And she knew by his tone that he was really sorry, but somehow his apology fell flat.  Maybe because she wasn't really mad at him for staying late at work. They'd been together. They could've made it enjoyable, but they hadn't.

 

"Maybe we need to start coming in separate cars for awhile?...I mean, I know we talked about selling the Prius, but for now...I don't know...What do you think?...That way if I need to stay late you get to go home and get some rest."

 

Pam squeezed her eyes shut more tightly. It sounded like the worst suggestion she'd ever heard. It sounded like just another way he could shut her out.  It sounded like less time together.

 

She felt suddenly like she might barf.

 

"Pam?...You sure you're ok?"

 

"Yeah," She said keeping her eyes closed. "Baby's just doing weird things tonight...," She tried adjusting the seatbelt so she could be more comfortable, but the truth was that since she'd entered her 7th month she hadn't been comfortable at all - ever.  The baby was rapidly outgrowing the present accommodations.

 

How that was possible, she didn't understand; given that she was fatter everyday.  If she were Jim maybe she wouldn't want to touch her either...her body, had to freak him out a little.

 

His voice was so tender when he reached out to touch her cheek.  The backs of his fingers felt cool and soft. "You think a warm bath'll help?"

 

Her throat tightened, "I don't know...maybe."

 

Jim turned back to the road.  Silence settled inside the car for a long moment. Neither of them reaching to turn on the radio.

 

After a moment, Jim cleared his throat. "Um...tomorrow afternoon I think I'm driving to Dunmore...There's this job...maybe."

 

Trying not to trip over her tongue, Pam turned to him.  It shouldn't have been this exciting to get a morsel of information from your husband, but it was.  "Oh...are you...I didn't realize you were looking around -

 

"Yeah...a little. I mean...it's not a big deal. I'm sure I won't need it, but I figured why not you know? It can't hurt to see what else is out there."

 

Pam nodded, rubbing her belly.  Maybe she could just push the baby over a little if she pressed on the right side. God...

 

A very conscious part of her brain knew that her constant discomfort was part of the reason she was so cranky lately, but an even larger part of her brain knew there was more to it than that.

 

"Right...Do you think I should be looking too? I mean I don't know who'd hire me like this," she said gesturing towards her belly. "But I could at least see what's out there and maybe -

 

"No, Pam...I mean...like I said, it's gonna be fine. I'm honestly just being overly cautious."

 

Everything's Fine. It's all just fine Pam.

 

The next time she heard that word she was going to scream.  Instead she focused her attention on her breathing.  She could literally feel her blood pressure starting to rise. She couldn't afford to get upset now.   Not when he was telling her what he was telling her.  She'd been waiting for him to open up, and now he was...at least a little.

 

"How'd you hear about it?" She asked calmly. "The job, I mean."

 

"Um...Karen, actually."

 

Pam's eyes opened, her head lifted from the headrest just a bit. "When did you talk to her?"

 

"Earlier today...I thought I'd give her a call. I thought I remembered a place she'd almost interviewed awhile back...in Stamford. It's called Cardia-Tech."

 

Stamford? The word blazed through her mind like a freight train.

 

He was looking into jobs in Stamford?  Without saying a word to her, he was looking into jobs in Stamford? Stamford would involve them leaving their home.  A home she loved.  A home they both loved.  His childhood home.  He was completely willing to leave all of that behind - without even a conversation?

 

Breathe...BREATHE.

 

"...Stamford?  Jim...I mean that's..." Pam lassoed every word that waited anxiously on the tip of her tongue, tugging them backwards. "Jim, that's kind of a big deal."

 

He shrugged.

 

Shrugging? What's shrugging mean?

 

 "I mean...isn't it?"

 

"Pam, I just said it's a precaution.  It's not a definite or even a probability yet."

 

"Well, Jim...I'm sorry that I'm questioning why you're ‘precaution'," she said while physically making air quotes, "Is directing you to Stamford."

 

Jim's jaw clenched. He hated air quotes more than like...anything.  She knew that.

 

 "It was just something I remembered...that's all," Jim said tightening his fingers along the leather of the steering wheel. 

 

This was why he hadn't mentioned anything earlier. For precisely this reason.  It wasn't even happening, and she already had a ton of questions that he wouldn't have any answers for.

 

"Do you have any other contacts from Stamford?"

 

"Yeah...." He sighed. "A few."

 

"And have you called them?"

 

Shit. "Ok...this...Can we not do this right now?"

 

"Oh! I'm sorry, Jim...When am I supposed to talk about it! Forgive me for wanting to know where I might be living in the near future, Jim!"

 

"Ah -

 

Nope. Forget it.  Jim clamped his mouth shut, cutting himself off from whatever it was that he'd been about to say. He didn't even know what the hell he wanted to say anyway.  Maybe, something like: Can you just trust me?  But that was a crock. He hadn't given her any reason to trust him. The truth was, he should have had answers to her questions.

 

He had a wife and a baby on the way and a mortgage, and what didn't have were any solid answers about their future.

 

What the hell kind of husband did that make him? What the hell kind of father was that going to make him? And what the hell kind of boss did that make him?  Well...on that score he already knew where he stood.  His grade was an unequivocal ‘F'. 

 

Jim inhaled through his nose and kept driving. They were just two minutes away from the house.

 

Silence stretched on between them until they pulled into the driveway.  It was there that she asked. "Were you on the phone with Karen when I came into your office earlier?"

 

Jim pulled his keys out of the ignition "Yeah. I needed the information for my "precaution" in Stamford, Pam."

 

He'd never. Never seen her look more angry in his life.  Just earlier in his office, he'd seen her look the most disappointed she'd ever been in him and had sworn anger would be better.  Now he wasn't so sure. 

 

With eyes blazing, she got out of the car and slammed the passenger side door so hard the car rocked.

 

"Oh great Jim!...So...Karen knows that we might be moving to Stamford, but I basically am supposed to just sort of come along for the ride...that's nice of you. Tell your ex-girlfriend before you tell your wife. Fantastic!"

 

He stood dumfounded for a moment as he watched her walk up the drive and towards their front door. He wasn't about to have this fight in front of their house. Silently he reached into the backseat and grabbed his suitcase, slamming his own door before he strode up the drive behind her.

 

Jim didn't yell when he shut the front door behind him because this was ridiculous. This wasn't something they were going to fight about.  He'd called Karen for job information. She knew that. This was a non-issue.

 

With his coat still on, he stood in the kitchen, his fingers curling over the edge of a dining room chair as she poured herself a glass of water with her back to him.

 

"I'm pretty sure I don't need to explain this...but I needed the contact information...That's why I called Karen...I didn't even remember what the name of the company was."

 

Her voice was calm too.  Way too calm. "Don't worry about it Jim...everything's fine.  You can talk and laugh with Karen as much as you want.  Call and laugh and chat...that's great. Have a good time with that."

 

He lost it. "Are you kidding me!"

 

She was dead silent.

 

Jim shook his head. "Awesome," he muttered and then exited the house the way in which he came.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

It felt like forever before she could catch her breath.  The tears had come so hard and fast she'd had to sit down. And try as she might to put her head between her knees when the room started to spin she couldn't manage it with the baby in her way. Instead she put her head back and kept her eyes closed, trying to calm down.  Trying not to hyperventilate. 

 

So the decision she'd made to open up the file labeled, ‘Prospects' that sat on the kitchen table probably hadn't been the wisest.  Not for her own health, and not for the health of their marriage.  But if he wasn't going to tell her what the hell was going on with her own life, she had to find out someway right?

 

Faulty logic. Unwise choice.

 

Don't do it. It's totally a... breach of trust to look through his things - even if they're just work things...

 

But he's the one who'd left it out on the kitchen table, and they were married for God's sake. And he's the one who'd decided to leave instead of fight things out with her.

 

Fine. Now everything could indeed be fine, because she'd find out for herself what was happening.

 

It was nothing anyway.  Nothing so awful he couldn't just tell her.

 

The file contained nothing confidential; just a ton of contacts. Some she'd heard of, some she hadn't.  Many she recognized from invoices that had passed her desk when she'd been the receptionist, or faxes she'd made.  Some were from Stamford - a lot were from Stamford.  They'd joked around a thousand times about how focused on actual work he'd been there.  That he'd probably made more money for the company in those few months at Stamford than he had in all his years in Scranton. 

 

Why couldn't he just tell her this now?  Why couldn't they just laugh about this the way they did everything else?  Why so much secrecy about something so...stupid?

 

It wasn't that she was absolutely opposed to the idea of living in Stamford. It would be difficult to leave family and friends and this house.  The move would be stressful, but a lot less stressful if they were both on the same page about it.  She'd follow him anywhere. Anywhere.  He could say he'd found a job on the fucking moon and she'd say, "That sucks, but as long as you're there it'll be fine."

 

And it would be fine.  Really and truly fine.  Not this dumb imitation of fine.

 

She couldn't understand why he wouldn't just tell her about this stupid list.  If he really thought Dunder-Mifflin was going under it was better that she know that than just sit around wondering and waiting...

 

As her fingers drifted down the page, she noticed for the first time the little symbols he'd drawn next to each contact or company.  A skull and crossbones she assumed meant it was a no-go, a plus sign probably meant it was promising, and there were actually two companies with stars next to them.  That had to mean those were his favorites. Then there was one with a little heart drawn next to it. And the name Karen written next to it. And a question mark.

 

A question mark and Karen and a heart.

 

Pam stared at it for longer than she should have, and then she shut the file.

---------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

"So how long have you been out driving around?"

 

Jim reached up to secure his Bluetooth - still the smallest in the world - and sighed, "a little over an hour."

 

"Can't even stop at a decent burger joint or something? A bar? You've gotta just drive around?...Somehow that's even more pathetic."

 

"Thank you, Dad," Jim said turning on his right turn signal as he exited the highway. 

Gerald Halpert had never been the kind of dad who babied his kids, and apparently he wasn't about to start now, no matter what the problem was.  Jim sighed, "That's really nice of you."

 

"Sorry."

 

Jim decided he needed a bit more time and took a left off the highway when he should have taken a right. "I'm trying not to spend money when we have food in the house...and the last thing I need to do is spend money on booze."

 

"Oh for God's sake...Jim, even I'm not as tight as you are. And you know me - I'm tight."

 

"Dad!  I have a kid on the way and I might lose my job!"

 

His father sighed. "Jim you're not going to lose your job."

 

Are you living in another dimension?

 

"Oh right. Because that doesn't happen to people."

 

"No, because if your company hasn't fired Michael Scott in the past 10 years, they're certainly not going to fire you!"

 

"See that sounds like good logic," Jim said, his voice cracking, "But you'd be surprised, Dad.  Michael Scott might actually be on to something."

 

Gerald took a deep breath. "Listen...Son, it sounds to me like Pam is upset because she feels out of the loop."

 

"Dad, I'm telling her as much as I possibly can."

 

"No you're not. You already said you hadn't told her about the job search until today and then you just sprang Stamford on her out of nowhere...Jimmy,  I know you. This is how you roll -

 

Jim shook his head, "Dad don't say, ‘how you roll'."

 

"Well it is!...You get an idea in your head and you go full steam ahead without telling anyone and then when everything's taken care of on your end you expect everyone to just sort of...follow suit...Well it might surprise you son, but other people have thoughts...feelings...emotions...And may I remind you that you've gone this route with her before..."

 

"Dad -

 

"You're in love, well she better be head over heels right this minute too.  You mean she can't dramatically change her life in an instant? Well, Stamford here you come.  Mom and Dad want to sell their house? Well, Pam probably won't mind -

 

"Hey, I'm sorry...Did you not want me to buy the house?"

 

"That's beside the point.  I'm just trying to get you to take an objective look at how you go about solving problems."

 

"Well thank you for showing me what an insensitive jackass I am. That's helpful."  

 

His father laughed. "Son...Believe me, I only recognize this in you because I'm the exact same way...Listen to me, ok?  I'm going to tell you a little story that your brothers don't even know. You ready for this?"

 

Jim reached up to scratch the back of his head and sighed, unsure of where this was going. He couldn't think of anything he hadn't been the last to know in his family. The fact that his brothers didn't know actually scared him a little bit.

 

"Not sure..."

 

"Well you're gonna find out anyway, so here goes...Do you remember when you first went away to college and I took up golf? ...Well every now and then I would go grab a beer with some of the guys afterwards, and your mother - God bless her, got it into her head that it should take a very specific amount of time to do that.  Now, because twice I was at the bar for about 2 hours...she thought I was having an affair."

 

Jim laughed. "Shut up."

 

"I don't know what you're laughing about. I'm dead serious."

 

"What?...Come on.  Who on Earth would you have an affair with?"

 

"Oh. Thank you."

 

"Sorry. I didn't mean -

 

His father interrupted, "Listen...The times in your mother and mine's relationship where your mother has gotten the most pissed at me, have always-always been when I neglected to tell her something that she felt was important - whether I thought it was important or not or whether I thought I had good reason to keep it from her or not was completely irrelevant...Jimmy, listen to what I'm saying to you...Women will make up stories in their heads in order to fill in our blanks. They're blank fillers! This is what they do!...So, your job is to tell Pam every conceivable detail of every little thing."

 

"Ok!" Jim said losing it suddenly because there was literally no way he could win here. "Dad, the doctor said Pam's blood pressure is way too high.  I can't be burdening her with every little thing that -

 

"Oh get off it.!" His father said interrupting. "She's fine.  You kids worry too much about every little thing the doctor says...Listen to me - you think you're protecting her from stress? What you're really doing is creating stress because she's at your house right this minute - filling in blanks, I guarantee you."

 

Jim's mind felt like it was going to explode.

 

"You're quiet. You ok over there?" His dad, asked.

 

"Yeah. No. I'm ok."

 

"Ok, listen. Go and pick up a damned burger for God's sake...or you'll be cranky when you get home.  When you get there, you tell her you love her, you tell her you've been an idiot, you tell her all about your plans...and that's that. You're done. It's over. It's fine."

 

Jim smiled half-heartedly. "Fine, huh?"

 

"Yes. Now...hang up and go eat."

 

For the first time all day long, Jim felt like maybe things could indeed be fine tonight before he went to bed. "Ok, thanks dad."

 

"You're welcome. Stop being an idiot."

 

Jim smiled for real this time. "Got it...I'll talk to you soon."

 

"Alright, bye."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Pam was just getting out of the bathtub when she heard the front door shut and his keys clatter on the kitchen counter.  The warm bath hadn't helped any.  Baby was still making her feelings known about being inside a body that was so tense.

 

Downstairs, the refrigerator door closed and the sink turned on and then off.  Silence for a few moments then.  Pam wondered if he was sitting down now.  If he was opening up his forgotten file, thinking about Karen as he let his fingers trail over her name...

 

Stop. It.

 

Pam shivered as she rose from the now tepid water, grabbing a towel to cover her prune-like skin.  Before she could completely cover her body she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the still semi-fogged mirror.

 

Never had she considered herself a vain person, but lately...when she looked at herself naked it was like she was looking at someone else.  An alien.  It had to be someone else's skin stretched tightly across a heavy belly - so tightly it looked as if it might burst. Someone else's veins arcing a trail of green lightening against her pale skin.  And the breasts that had once been full and sexy and Jim's unspoken - favorite things - were now fuller but no longer sexy as far as she was concerned...

 

Apparently, as far as he was concerned as well.

 

Pam finished wrapping herself up quickly and got out of the tub, letting the water drain while she sat on the toilet and shut her eyes.

 

Are Karen and her husband happy?

 

The thought burst into her brain like an unwanted intruder; just as it had for the last hour and a half.  Pam had been proud of herself for the first few moments after she'd closed the file.  She'd fought the thoughts off fairly well, but from the moment she'd walked into the bathroom until now, they'd snuck up on her when she least expected it.

 

You have to stop. Now. Don't do this to yourself.

 

You know this is a ridiculous line of thinking. The most ridiculous you've had all day. Ever - in your life!

 

You are not this woman. You are not this insecure. Not anymore.

 

Pam took a deep breath and laid her hands against her belly, rubbing slightly. "Calm down, Baby."

 

Pam... He's Jim. He's a great guy, but he's still a man.  He's still a man with eyes.  He's looking at the same thing you just saw in the mirror...and if it's so ridiculous why is there a heart next to her name? And where did he just disappear to for so long?

 

Pam pressed her fingers to the bridge of her nose.

 

STOP. There's no possible way he could have driven all the way to Utica you dumbie! You're being so stupid right now! Irrational and stupid.

 

Stupid if you don't consider it.  You don't want to be one of those women on some obnoxious talk show where literally everyone in their lives knew that their husband was having an affair, but them.  They are the idiots. The women who refused to consider the possibility.

 

So you're right - he couldn't have driven to Utica - obviously not. But who says he had to? People meet in the middle all the time. That's how affairs work.

 

Ok...No.  Pam, you've just seen too many movies.

 

 You need to just go to bed and whatever you do, don't talk to him tonight.  You will ruin your marriage if you talk to him tonight because you're being a lunatic. This baby needs you to get yourself together and get some rest.

 

 Go to bed.  What you're thinking is not normal...This is not you. This is not him. You're only thinking these things because you feel like shit, and you look like shit, and you haven't heard a real thought out of his head in weeks.

 

Go to bed. Before he comes upstairs. Go to bed. Turn out the lights. Go to sleep.

 

She stood up, and did exactly that. Almost. She managed to turn out the lights and get in bed, but sleep...Sleep was a long shot at best.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jim contemplated the long neck beers that were in the refrigerator for a long moment before closing the door.  As much as he wanted one, he needed to be completely coherent for the conversation he needed to have with her.

 

He had to find a way to be honest about their situation and somehow still make her feel secure. Like things would indeed be as fine as he said they were going to be, even though he wasn't entirely sure they'd be at Dunder-Mifflin just a few weeks from now.

 

Hell, he wasn't even sure they'd be living in this house.  So far his Stamford leads were the best.

 

Jim leaned against the refrigerator for a moment.  His dad was right.  He wasn't being fair in not telling her what was going on.  They were supposed to be a team, right?  How could he expect her to trust him if he never told her anything?

 

Looping his tie around his fingers and letting his shoes dangle there too, he made his rounds through the house. He locked everything that could be locked and then retrieved the bouquet he'd stopped for from the kitchen table. The brightly colored flowers seemed to mock his every step, letting him know what a cliché he'd turned into. 

 

Oh you messed up, huh? Oh that's nice...How very 1950's of you to stop at a florist on your way home.

 

Well there was a reason it was a cliché right?  Because flowers were good...right? It wasn't like he'd never gotten her flowers ‘just because'.  When they'd first started dating he'd brought her flowers all the time. It wasn't just because they had a fight.

 

It's because you had a fight, you loser.

 

Mounting the stairs, he hoped she hadn't already gone to bed already, but it was really too quiet in the house to believe otherwise.  Out of recently acquired habit he left the light at the top of the stairs on in case she got up in the middle of the night needing a snack.

 

Their bedroom lights were out.  It was only by favor of the moon that he saw for sure that she slept, her back turned to him and her hair fanned out damp against her pillow.

 

Quietly he bent to place his shoes gently on the floor and then stood to his full height once more.  He really didn't want to wake up to one more day of this...

 

Stepping closer to the bed, with flowers in hand he whispered, "Pam?"

 

Nothing.  

 

Obviously by the state of her hair she hadn't been asleep long, but these days it didn't take her long at all to fall deeply asleep.  He didn't hear her breathing though, and lately her breathing was slow and deep.

 

Tonight, she was absolutely silent.

 

His chest hurt suddenly and his voice cracked when he again said, "Pam?"

 

It was silly to be so sentimental about it...Absolutely ridiculous because they'd been together for quite some time now...but aside from the rare evening apart - they'd never gone to bed separately.  Even lately, with as tired as she'd been - she'd fallen asleep on the couch if he wasn't in bed next to her.  It was the first time she'd ever gone to bed without him.

 

Well...it's also the first time you walked out on her  too, so...

 

Unfortunately knowing that didn't make it hurt any less.

 

Quietly, Jim moved to his dresser and grabbed a fresh pair of underwear. He'd shower down the hall tonight, instead of using their bathroom.  On the off chance that she was actually asleep, he didn't want to wake her. She needed her rest.

 

Soundlessly he laid her bouquet on her nightstand.  Maybe if it was the first thing she saw in the morning...

 

It's gonna take a whole helluva lot more than a bouquet to fix this Halpert.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

With only two hours remaining until Jim's alarm clock would sound, Pam stared at the silhouette of a bouquet on her nightstand. Gardenias she knew by their smell, and something else...she wasn't sure what.

 

The baby had finally eased up, seemingly less agitated and sleeping soundly now.  Ironically, in the stillness of the night, Pam found herself yearning for the company.  She shut her eyes and willed the baby to wake up.  She used her hands to gently shake her belly. Realizing a split-second later how pathetic she was, she stopped.

 

You might be officially insane now.  You know, you could just wake your husband instead of your unborn child.

 

God she wanted to. She wanted him to hold her...just so badly.  Right then - right then, she would have settled for a whispered, "We're going to be fine." She would have taken it gladly. Right then she needed that stupid little word more than anything.

 

Cold from the inside out, she knew that if she just reached out for him she could get warm. He was a very sound sleeper. He wouldn't wake if she just curled into him from behind, laid her cheek on his back...His body was like an oven 365 days out of the year...Even in December he slept shirtless.

 

She loved his back.  He had a gorgeous back.  Broad and smooth.  It was her most favorite of his parts.  She'd told him once after they'd been dating for about four months.  They'd been making love on a rainy Sunday afternoon and he'd mentioned something about thinking of her thighs at the most inopportune moments, like in the middle of a sales call.  He'd explained that sometimes he'd just get a flash of thigh in his brain and then that would be it.  He'd be useless for the rest of the meeting; incapable of talking paper.

 

As it turned out, he'd been distracted by a different body part almost every week.  Sometimes he'd been too embarrassed to mention which one.

 

You cause me to have just...terrible work habits, Pam.

 

So he'd only laughed when she'd mentioned her rather non-provocative object of desire.

 

What do you mean, my back?  How does someone go about having a nice back? That's either really sweet, or sick on some level I don't understand.

 

Her fingers reached for him now and she did her best to fit her body to his. It was difficult to snuggle this way, these days. She slipped her hands between his arms and his sides and his breathing hitched for a moment. He murmured something unintelligible and she pressed her cheek more firmly against his back, let her hand nestle warmly against his chest.

 

Please God...This is just that whole cliché right? That one about the first year being the hardest...that's all this is right?  I somehow stupidly thought that didn't apply to us...but maybe that's all this is...

 

In sleep, he found the hand she had laid upon his chest and laced his fingers through hers.

 

Pam shut her eyes and whispered, "I love you, I love you, I love you," into his skin.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

No copyright infringement is intended. This is just for fun. Also if anyone from NBC is reading this, I'm actually super embarrassed - so NEVER tell me.

 

Jim saw her standing at the kitchen counter in her bathrobe and slippers. The steam from her tea swirled in curly-cues just past her arm, and the morning light filtered in through the sweet little yellow curtains she'd bought for the window over the sink.

 

When they'd first moved in together, the whole concept had been so entirely surreal that they'd had a bit of a running joke.  It usually started with a weekend morning.  He'd have slept in a bit and when he eventually wandered downstairs she'd be in the kitchen.  Sometimes she'd be making eggs or bacon or French toast or something unbelievably not out of a box with a cartoon character on the front.  He'd smell that, and see her and would say, "My bad...I'm still dreaming," and turn to go back to bed.

 

One particular time he remembered his head almost exploding.  He'd come down to find her in nothing but a pair of underwear, she'd bitten into a red apple just as he'd entered the kitchen.

 

"Is this...I'm sorry...Eve?"

 

She'd giggled and he'd nearly died. "Adam, Go take out the trash and then come back."

 

"Oh. Um...ok...not a dream...but...I...Ok."

 

She'd just grinned knowingly while he'd taken out the trash on autopilot.  Taking out the trash had been the only time he saw the sunlight that day.  Being a recluse with Pam was some of the absolute best times of his life.

 

Now, with her standing in the kitchen they'd never gotten around to remodeling before learning that she was pregnant, he wished things could be that beautifully simple again.

 

But they weren't, and they probably wouldn't ever be again.  Yet, if he had to choose anyone in the world to go through complicated with - there was no doubt in his mind who he would choose every single time.

 

Jim caught sight of the flowers he bought in a vase next to the sink and he took a deep breath.  His father's words came back to him: tell her you love her, tell her you've been an idiot, tell her all about your plans...and that's that. You're done. It's over. It's fine

 

Hoping so, but desperately needing to touch her Jim moved forward, wrapping his arms tentatively around Pam's waist from behind.  He bent his knees slightly in order to lay his head on her shoulder, kissing the small section of skin that her robe allowed at the base of her neck.  He felt her go rigid in his arms and knew he couldn't wait a moment longer to apologize -

 

"Pam, I lo-

 

"There's not anything happening with you and Karen, is there?"

 

He stilled. Not so much because the question was shocking. No, it wasn't shock. To be shocked you had to understand the words that had been said - at least on some level.  No, it was a little more like maybe someone had asked him something in a foreign language. Like the time he'd gone to Canada on a family trip and a woman in a coffee shop had thought he was French.

 

No...I'm sorry...I don't understand.  He hadn't even understood enough to say he didn't understand in French.

 

He felt like that now.  Like he didn't understand enough to say he didn't understand, as he watched from somewhere outside his own body.  He watched her turn within in the circle that his arms created.  He saw her eyes...eyes - literally swimming in tears behind her glasses.  She had to be blind.

 

The sight instantly brought tears to his own.

 

He tried to focus on something else...anything else...her mouth maybe...but the voice that came out was not her own.  It was thick and aching...the sort of ache that made your own throat hurt to hear the other person talk.

 

"I just...I need to know...I mean maybe...If you just tell..."...She searched for more words while she clutched at her robe, pleading with him...

 

To do what? To say what? He couldn't feel his legs. 

 

Jim felt his mouth form a "w"...but for what word?  What? Who?

 

He shook his head, "I...I don't...Pam? No. NO "

 

She started crying so loudly then.  She was literally unable to speak and in that moment he wished the kitchen floor would open up and pull him down somewhere away from this. Away from a time and a place where Pam was this distraught, because surely the place he'd be pulled to could not be any worse than this.

 

Maybe he really was dreaming this time. Maybe he was having some sort of horrific nightmare. Or maybe he'd accidentally stumbled into a neighbor's kitchen, because clearly...clearly this was not them. Not their house. Not here.

 

He reached for her for her arm, but she shifted away. "Pam..."

 

"I just...if you are...please just..."

 

The sight of her crying - the way she was crying - like maybe she'd make herself sick, flipped something on inside of him.

 

"Listen, listen to me...Pam! Stop it...No." He heard himself say again.

 

He could barely make out her words, "Y-you...you don't t-talk to me...You don't t-touch me...I can't stand it...And I'm trying so hard not to be...needy....and...I don't know...but I...I'm fat and I know that you...I can't..."

 

His eyes widened and before he could think, he was pulling her into his arms, crushing her against him. feeling the weight of their baby between them. "God are you crazy? Are you!" He said again when all he heard was more crying.  His kisses were suddenly everywhere. Frantic because it was literally all he could think to do.

 

With hands all over her, on her back, in her hair, on her shoulders...he hugged her so tight.  "Listen to me...this is not..." he pulled away then so he could see her face.  Desperately he reached beneath her glasses, his huge hands covered the red splotches on her face as he pushed away tears with his thumbs. "You can't..." his voice broke. "There may be a lot of things...like a...a lot of things...but I'm not...that won't ever be something that you have to worry about  - Not ever."

 

She was shaking her head, disagreeing.

 

Disagreeing!

 

He simultaneously wanted to shake her senseless and hold her tight all at once.

 

"You don't even look at me."

 

Jim felt his entire body deflate.  His fingers clasped the counter's edge for support. "Oh Pam...I look at you...Please, Pam...You...God," he said shaking his head.  He dashed at his own tears with the back of his hand and reached for her.  With both hands on either side of her face, he said, "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Ever."

 

She shook her head, unconvinced.  "I feel so...lonely...and things are not fine. You keep saying that they're fine and they're not.  We don't know if we'll have jobs...and you're...you're not telling me things...and I don't need you to tell m - me...that ever - everything's going to be alright," she sobbed and placed a hand against her heart. It was still difficult for him to understand her. "I - I just need you to tell me...j-just tell me what y - you're thinking."

 

Jim looked at his feet. In that moment, he knew - he knew - that she'd never been this upset in her life.  Nothing and no one had ever made her this upset. He held this distinct honor.

 

He watched a tear of his own make the long descent through the air and towards the old slippers he wore. 

 

"I'm sorry," he whispered looking up at her. "I'm so sorry...Pam...I...I don't know how to do this yet," he finished his voice strangled and tight.  "I sit in that office and I think about ways to make everything ok for everyone...and then there's Michael who's just completely living in denial...and I find myself trying to find this place of like...being realistic...but still...I have to believe that everything's ok...When I walk in this door at night and I see this kitchen still...exactly the way it was when we moved in here or that the nursery is only halfway finished and you're..." he gestured to her stomach helplessly.  His chin began to tremble and he absolutely couldn't finish - couldn't say it -  but he did. "I feel like a failure...everyday."

 

He hadn't even realized that was what he'd been dying to tell her, but the air rushed out of him like maybe he'd been holding his breath a long, long time.

 

Pam gazed at him for a long moment, as he stood there in front of her with one hand on the countertop and his head hanging down.  Her own words came back to her, ‘You don't even look at me.' 

 

She shut her eyes.

 

He hadn't been looking at her. Not because he thought she was ugly or fat or found her unappealing or burdensome; but because he was ashamed of himself, because he thought he was a failure.

 

Her arms were around him instantly. "Come ‘ere..." she said, and he wound his arms instantly around her waist, burying his face in her hair as if he hadn't been allowed until now.

 

How could he think that?  Had she done something to make him feel this way? She rubbed his back softly. "Sssh...you're not a failure."

 

Jim sniffled and pulled back. "I just think about my brothers...Pete was making so much damn money when his first kid -

 

She pulled back, trying to wrap her brain around something she hadn't expected. "Ok, stop. We're not comparing ourselves...right? We said we weren't going to do that, right? I remember we said that."

 

Taking a deep, shuddering breath Jim took a step away from her. "I'm so sorry I haven't told you about everything...I have this stupid list that I'm working off of...it's not just the job in Dunmore. I have a list of about 35 prospects...I just wanted every possible option available in front of me...so I called Karen...that's the only reason I called her. That's it...And it's a total long shot anyway. It'd be like learning two new businesses...I'd have to learn a little bit about cardiac patients...they sell cardiac equipment to doctors...I couldn't even remember half of the things she was saying to me so I just..."

 

Cardiac equipment...Cardiac...hearts.

 

Pam sighed, "Doodled?"

 

He looked up at her in confusion.

 

"I looked through your file," Pam said, not waiting until he asked.  "I'm sorry...I just...I needed to know what was happening...I saw a heart next to her name...and a question mark and I just..."

 

Their eyes locked and he slipped his fingers between hers on the counter.  He stared at their hands as he spoke. "Everything I have is yours...You can look at whatever you want......"

 

Pam's chin trembled once more as she smoothed her finger along his wedding band. God...of course...He loves you...he loves you so much...

 

"I wrote her name and then the question mark because I wasn't sure I wanted to call her at first...and then I did, and I knew I wouldn't remember what the hell kind of company it was so I drew a stupid heart...it didn't mean anything Pam...it doesn't mean anything. Karen won't ever be anything other than a girl I used to know."  He locked with hers. "Ever."

 

She believed him.  She did.  God, she'd already known it somewhere deep inside.  But somehow hearing it come out of his mouth...

 

He stepped closer and leaned his forehead against hers. "I love you...I love you."

 

After a residual hiccup, Pam found her voice again while the heads rested against one another's. "I bet nobody else in that office has a list of 35 prospects."

 

He just shrugged and stepped away. What more could he possibly ask of himself though?  He was doing everything imaginably possible to keep them afloat.

 

"That's a lot Jim...I didn't even recognize all those names."

 

He swallowed, "A lot of them are just people who've made off-hand comments in the past during sales calls.  Someone who casually said, "If you're ever looking..." ....most of those people don't mean half of what they say.  Just...anybody I could think of that I've had a good working relationship with in the past 10 years."

 

Pam smiled softly at him and brushed her fingers over the upper ledge of his ear, pushing his hair aside.  She watched the predictable shiver run trough him and then he leaned his face into her palm.

 

"You think all the other failures in our office have lists of 35 potential employers? Huh?...The fact that that many people have said that to you...Jim that's amazing. Do you know that?  You're so good at what you do. So good.  And it's a huge fucking deal - that many people thinking you're awesome."

 

He shook his head at her, a slight smile on his face even as he sniffled. "Wow...I should have told you how I was feeling like a long - fucking - time ago."

 

Their eyes met for a long moment and all traces of his smile disappeared. "I love you...so much.  God, you're on my mind every second of everyday...that's not something that's ever going to change...it never has."

 

He came closer to her, effectively trapping her between his body and the corner where front and side countertops met. Her fingers played at his waist and he pushed her robe aside, gently touching her belly.

 

"I worry about Baby...probably more than I should..."

 

"Yeah," she whispered, finding it difficult to locate her voice when he was this close. After all this time, just the stroke of his hand along her bare navel was enough to set her skin on fire.

 

She was completely naked under her robe and she could tell by the direction of his gaze that he'd noticed.

 

"I try and keep things to myself if I think they're going to be stressful or be a burden to you..." he whispered.

 

His breath on her neck....God...

 

"You keeping things to yourself is what's stressful for me...Ok?" She said, pulling his head up so that he was looking at her. "Please - just trust that we can handle these things together, ok?  Please?..." But she was distracted this time by his hands. They slid under her robe again, trailing the length of her thighs. "When you're scared or you're thinking s- silly things like being a failure, I want to know about it...ok?...Please?"

 

But even to her own ears she sounded like she was begging for something else, and maybe she was.

 

He nodded quickly.

 

"You promise?" She asked, but his mouth came down tenderly against hers when he would have answered. Their kiss was soft at first and then more intense, his tongue moist against the seam of her lips, parting them.

 

He tugged at the loose knot that belted her robe.  His hands were so warm...One of them gripped her right knee, pushed her leg up on the counter.  Her breathing hitched.

 

"We don't have to," she whispered into his neck. "If you don't want...I feel better already, just you being honest with me..."

 

"I honestly want you so bad I probably shouldn't have you..."

 

She shivered from head to toe thinking of all that might mean and heard her slippers drop to the linoleum. The clock just past his left shoulder said they had twenty minutes before they had to be at work.  They were going to be so late if they...

 

"D - do you promise? Say you promise..." She begged.

 

"I promise," he panted, though she wasn't convinced he remembered what he was promising.

 

"P - promise t - tell me everything...and...Promise?"

 

"Promise," he said and without further ado, lifting her bottom up on the counter. He pushed her robe completely off of her shoulders and slid inside her.

 

"Oh God," Pam said, moaning as her fingers wove through his hair, and her foot slipped off the edge of the counter. He lifted it again hitching it against his hip. "Jim..."

 

"Yours," he said, panting against her breast. "Yours..." and she hissed at the feel of his stubble, the raw sensitivity sending her back a bit against the cabinets.  Their stupid 1970's style cabinets, she didn't give a shit about...

 

"Oh...God..."

 

He'd pushed her robe down just far enough to frustrate her.  Her fingers covered by the terry cloth sleeves. She tugged at them desperately,  eager to get her fingers on his waist, digging into the luscious skin she found there...reaching around to his back....sliding up to his shoulder blades, and then down again. Way, way down to bring him more tightly...

 

Frustrated because of their angle, Jim swore under his breath and was gone from her  in an instant, leaving her so abruptly that she cried out. He lifted her from their countertop only to lay her on the kitchen floor, the robe that hung off her shoulders serving as a mattress of sorts. 

 

Pam bit her lip at the feel of his hard length brushing against her tummy as he kissed his way down. His mouth open and white hot against her skin until it reached the apex of her thighs.  Some sort of instinct made her push away from the heat, sliding along the linoleum, but he yanked her back by her hips.

 

She detonated immediately, reaching out to hold on to one of the legs of the chairs in their kichen/dining room....Holy God...

 

She came yet again before his mouth left her seconds later and he was inside her again.

 

Delirious...

 

If she had to pick a word to describe how...

 

The room was starting to spin. Sex before breakfast...this kind of sex before for breakfast...she could quite possibly pass out...

 

Jim remembered her head after his first thrust and clasped his fingers tightly behind it when he pushed into her again.  His mouth found her neck as he pulsed.  

 

Insatiably greedy for her though, he couldn't keep his hands still. They were never satisfied.  Pulling one hand away from her head he found her breast once more, lifting her up and squeezing none too gently.

 

She cried out, but the look on her face told a story he'd heard before. That one about that terribly, wonderfully, beautiful sort of pain - the kind that made you want it again.

 

He apologized none the less. "Sor - sorry," he panted breathlessly. "I'm sorry..."

 

But even as he apologized she was begging...."Please" and "more" and pushing against him...

 

His hand squeezed her again as his mouth blazed a hot trail from her shoulder to the breast that he held.  When his mouth closed over the ultra sensitive nipple...Oh God.... 

 

She clenched around him like a vice. Driven to complete distraction by his need for her, both hands left her again and slipped between her bottom and the robe that cushioned her.  He lifted her just slightly so he could slip more intimately inside this woman who he literally wanted to drown in.  His strangled groan was, "Is this ok?"

 

Please God, say it is.

 

And she panted, "Y- yes...please...please..."

 

Jim gripped her hips as his every bit of his concentration seemed to center on their joining.  Her fingers wrapped tightly around his wrists and she helped hold him there against her as tears clouded her vision.

 

It was simultaneously too much and never enough.  Suddenly he moved in the sweetest, yet most intense way she'd ever felt in her life...

 

"You're so beautiful...you're so perfect..." he breathed without voice.

 

It wasn't true. She could recall a thousand things that were wrong with her, but in that moment she believed it was true to him and he was the only one that mattered.  Above her the ceiling fan in the kitchen doubled and eight blades suddenly appeared in high definition as he finished inside of her, pulling her over the edge with him once more.

 

With him.

 

Moments later, after, with his hands drawing patterns along her moist skin he spoke the words, "Are you ok?...I am the worst...There's a couch not 10 yards away for God's sake...damn..."

 

She smiled. "That was incredible...Let's never do it on any soft surface ever again."

 

He kissed her belly again and again.  "You sure you're ok?"

 

"I'm pretty sure this is the most ok I've been in weeks...she said combing her fingers through his damp hair.  "We should take my blood pressure right now...if I was any more relaxed I'd be dead."

 

Jim smiled and crawled his way back up towards her lips. "So basically. I just have to be super honest with you about everything, and then screw your brains out."

 

"That's a great plan," Pam said stretching unhurriedly beneath him. "That's a fine plan."

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