“What’s up?”* she asked, too quickly, too nonchalantly, and there was something harsh in the way her eyebrows frowned.

“Oh, nothing. I just feel bad. I feel like things were a little weird today, or something.”*

Pam looked at him for a moment, a small frown in place. “They were, yeah.”

“Yeah…” Jim hadn't really expect her to admit it. Now he wasn’t very sure about what to say.

“So, are you going to tell me what is wrong with you?” She tugged firmly at her scarf and gave a little step closer to him.

“With me? Why me?”

“Yeah, you. Cause I’m having trouble reading you right now and that sucks. It’d never happened before.”

He could say that it was nothing. That it was all in her mind and that it had been a weird day to begin with, but then… why should he always keep those things inside him?

“Well, maybe you should consider that I’ve changed during these months away.” He said, trying not to sound too friendly.

“Bullshit, Jim.”

He was tempted to give a step back, but he had started talking and she should stop assuming things about him anymore.

“Really? What would you know?”

“I know you.”

“Oh, really?” he repeated, and his voice dripped sarcasm, and it sounded harsh to his own ears. 

“Yeah. I know you and, you know what? You don’t get to do this!” She waved her hand around, as if ‘this’ meant the whole of Scranton Business Park. “To do this “feeling awkward hugging you” act that you tried to do in the morning. You don’t get to change everything about you and say you’re “evolving”. Evolving! From what? And you know... whatever. Drink whatever you want or… do whatever you want. But you don’t get to shove me off your shoulder as if… as if I was nothing more than an annoying colleague you once met.”

“Why would I be doing that, I wonder.”

“Well, clue me in because I have no fucking idea!”

“Oh, you don't? Listen, Pam, I don’t have time for this, ok? I’ll just go.”

“No. You don’t walk away from me like this.”

That struck a chord inside him. A memory, still fresh despite his efforts, on this very same parking lot.

“Like you did, you mean?”

“What? I didn’t-” for the first time her voice quivered a little. “You’re the one who left, remember? Gone the next day! As if you never existed!”

He had, of course. He convinced the guard he needed to get into the office at 6 am, and then he cleaned his desk. Every paperclip, every picture, every stupid Olympics medal, gone.

“You said you’d marry him! As if me saying I loved you didn’t matter.”

“And you couldn’t stick around for five minutes to find out I was just terrorized, could you?”

Terrorized? Of all things! “What? About what?”

“Don’t you get it?” Pam said through clenched teeth. “You turned my entire world upside down that night.”

“You can honestly say you didn’t see that coming?”

“How could I? One day you were my friend, playing pranks on Dwight and stealing jelly beans, and then all of a sudden you decide to tell me that you loved me?”

“I… I thought I was making it all clear. Every day. Every joke. Every time we were together. It should've been obvious to you that I liked you!” Was it, though? He had grown so used to the notion of being in love with Pam, it had never really occurred to him that she might not be as aware of it as he was.

“You weren’t. It wasn't. And your… revelation? It only made it all so confusing. And then you disappeared! If you’d stayed 2 days… no, 24 hours, you would’ve gotten the answer you wanted to get. But no… you were hurt or whatever, because I didn’t rush into your arms and left behind my entire life. And that sucked, Jim. I am a planner. I overthink things. And you forgetting all about it…”

24 hours. Really? It felt as if air had been punched out of his system. Would she have come to him then? Would she have had another answer?

“Why didn’t you tell me you’d called off the wedding?”

It was her turn to gasp for words for a moment.

“Because… because I didn’t want to assume that you would- And then, everybody knew. For weeks that was basically the only thing people was talking about at the office. And I figured you’d find out and do something about it.”

“You didn’t tell me.”

“You weren’t answering your phone.”

“There’s e-mail.”

She seemed to shrink a little, shoulders hunched, as if she wanted to occupy as little room as possible.

“I was scared.”

“Scared, huh?”

“Yeah,” her eyes met his, challenging despite it all.

“About what?”

“I don’t know. About… that night. Casino night almost killed me. And I guess… I don’t know. I was scared.”

“Well… to answer your question, what’s wrong with me? I’m scared, too.”

“Now? Why?”

He laughed humorlessly. “You still don’t get it, Pam. All those years, being in love with you and watching you go home with somebody else, somebody who didn’t even treat you right… that killed me. And the moment I learned I was to come back here, I knew it couldn’t be like that. I couldn’t keep on being that guy anymore.”

“But I’m not with Roy. I’ve never should’ve been with him. And… I called off my wedding because of you. In case it isn’t obvious by now.”

They stayed silent for a while. Pam looking at him, almost without blinking. Jim looking around, at the almost empty parking lot, at the building behind her, at her jacket, and her scarf. Not her eyes, though. Anything but her eyes.

“I like your hair. It’s a little different,” he finally said.

She touched the tips, now looking at her feet. “Have you ever considered it could be the other way around?”

“What?”

“What if I tell you that... I’m in love with you?” She put her hand on his forearm, with a little hesitation. “And you never misinterpreted anything because I’ve been for a very long time. So, there. You say you can’t be here if it’s going to be like we were when I was with Roy. Well, I can’t have you here without you knowing that.”

He sighed, and looked at her. “Pam... All those months…”

“Screw those months,” and she turned around and headed to her car.

As she drove the now familiar roads to her apartment, she furiously tried to wipe the tears away.

A steady and silently flow that made the lights blurry and her head heavy.

He had let her walk away.

When she’d started the engine, she’d remembered a movie in which somebody would count as he was walking away, up to ten, to see if the person he was going away from would follow him. The image was pathetic, really, when nobody was following you.

Jim didn’t, and for a fraction of a second Pam considered waiting a moment in the car. Pretending it was broken. Even getting out and talking to him again. But she didn’t. Had it been pride? Or just fear to be hurt by his indifference or his anger? Maybe both?

Now she knew how he must have felt that night, so many months ago. Only, maybe, that time it had been worse. He had kissed her… no, they had kissed. She had been as enthusiastic as him. And then she had left him, not even thinking of him following her because, that time, it was the last thing she would’ve wanted.

Did it feel so raw? Did he felt so cold inside? Had it been for him, as it was for her now, as if somebody had punched her in every possible place she could be punched?

Back then, it felt as if she didn’t have a choice. If she could’ve spare him all that suffering, she would’ve. What was eating her insides now was the fact that Jim had been cruel on purpose. He had made it all difficult and painful for her.

Maybe she deserved it.

She finally made it to the parking lot in front of her apartment. With an audible thud, her head hit the wheel. This time she sobbed, for how long, she couldn’t tell, until finally it occurred to her that a neighbor could see her and ask her concerned questions she was not willing to answer right now. Taking calming breaths, she got out the car and dragged her feet to her door.

Maybe there was still some tequila left from the last time Isabel was here. She could drink herself numb. Who cared that tomorrow she had to be back at work. She could call in sick, with the added bonus of not having to see him.

But no. She reached for the bottle and stopped midway. No. She was not going to give him that satisfaction. She was going to go to the office tomorrow, bright and early, and greet him and that stupid woman he’d brought from Stamford. Hell, she would be best friends of Karim, Karen, whatever her name was, just out of spite.

A knock on her door made her lose that train of thought. She hadn’t order any food. Wasn’t expecting any package…

It was Jim. Through the peephole she could see he was frowning and his jaw was clenched, his hands buried deep in his pockets. How did he know where she lived? Had he followed her here?

Wait. He had followed. This had to count, right?

Another knock, fast, impatient.

Pam jerked the door open and got a second of satisfaction as he jumped back a little.

“How did you find me?” she started without preamble.

“Not important,” he said, stepping inside and closing the door, before she could say anything else. “Why did you left?”

“The conversation was over.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

“Listen, I’m as much of a fan of awkward silences as anybody, but everything has limits. I was done talking-”

“I wasn’t-”

“Why weren’t you saying something, then?”

He laughed, humorlessly. “That’s rich. You were complaining about me running away, and not waiting long enough for you to come with the answer I wanted, and next thing you do is running away. Like you did then. I should be used by now.”

“I wasn’t running away.”

“Then?”

“What? Should I have stayed there, cold, waiting for you to find your brain, or voice, or-”

Jim took a long step, and next thing she knew, his lips were on hers, his hand pulling at her waist.

It has harsh, and sloppy, completely different to her memories from casino night. He was attacking her lips, while his hands were harsh on her body.

“Wait-” she had to push him, panting a little. “Wait-” He took a step back, his arms limp at his side.

“Was that the answer you were expecting from me?”

“No. Of course not,” her voice came out shaky, and she hated herself for that. “That’s not- you are… you’re not you anymore. And I’m starting to think I don’t like this evolved version of you.”

“Well that’s who I am now.”

“You’ve never been cruel. And whatever happened last year, I don’t deserve that from you.”

He sighed. “What do you want, Pam?”

“I’ve told you.”

“No, you haven’t.”

She sighed, annoyed and tired. “I want you, ok? I’ve always wanted you. The old you. Not this version-... not like this.”

It was as if the weight of the world had been placed on her shoulders. Wasn’t it supposed to free yourself, telling the truth? Shouldn’t she feel liberated now?

Jim was looking at the carpet, and she didn’t want to get nearer in order to make out his expression.

“You can see yourself out,” she finally said with a small voice, turning towards the living room. Her eyes felt hot, and wet, but she didn’t want him to see her cry.

“I liked it, when you hugged me,” he said softly, and she turned around.

“Huh?”

“When I arrived. You hugged me. And I liked it. For an instant I thought- It was as if no time had passed.”

“What’s the big deal about the time?”

“It hurt being away from you.”

Anger was rising again inside Pam. “Really? It hurt? You. Left. You were gone. My best friend, gone! While I was trying to start my life from scratch. While I was coming to an empty apartment, to regret every decision I’d made since you left! To convince me, over and over, that it was because of you but that it was also because of me, and because I needed to be more than what I was when I was with Roy.” She walked two steps and, without really thinking, she grabbed the lapels of his jacket. “Of course it fucking hurt, Jim!”

He seemed to be at a loss of what so say, and Pam vaguely considered that this might very well be the first time Jim Halpert was speechless.

“So now tell me that you don’t feel a thing.” She pressed her body against his. “That this means nothing. That you don’t love me anymore.”

Her kiss was a little gentler. Softer against his hips, and for a moment he was limp, and she felt idiotic for being the active part of a one-sided kiss. But then his hands jumped to life, and they were in her waist again, moving up to her back and pulling her even closer.

It was still rough, but this time Pam didn’t protest. Maybe he didn’t have feelings for her, and maybe this was the last time she’d get to be this close to Jim, but she just didn’t care anymore.

He moved down his head and his lips found her neck. She groaned, and instantly felt a little ashamed for starting losing control like this, but again, she was not going to care. Her hands moved to his neck, her fingernails buried on his messy hair. And then he slid his hands down and grabbed her tights to pull her up. He was carrying her, her legs around his waist, and somehow they ended up on the couch, Pam straddling him and his hands everywhere at once.

He kissed her mouth again, fiercely, and she was sure her lips would be swollen, but so would his, and maybe that girl from Stamford would notice that somebody had been there. That she, Pam, had been there. And Pam knew that her being here, being kissed by Jim, was the only thing that made sense.

“You should’ve told me you’d called off the wedding,” he grunted, moving his lips to her neck again. “I needed you to tell me.”

“You should’ve waited,” she retaliated, her hands pulling at his tie. “You should’ve known me better.”

“I know you better than anyone,” he said, in a strange possessive voice, his mouth still travelling south.

“Not anymore,” she finished with the tie and started undoing the buttons, and for a moment the only sound was ragged breathing, fabric and skin.

Jim was opening her shirt, too, but he was quicker. When his mouth reached the top of her bra she gasped, and that only made him kiss her more enthusiastically.

“Why didn’t you call again?” she asked, breathlessly.

He kept on kissing the top of her breasts for a moment before saying through clenched teeth.

“When?”

She pushed him, against the back of the couch, and finally finished taking his shirt off. “After we talked that night, about three kitchens and all that.”

And then she was the one kissing his chest, not really sure if she wanted to hear the answer, or if he would really answer to begin with.

“Scared, again,” he breathed heavily, while his hands touched her neck, her ears, her hair.

She raised her head to look at him. “You’re a chicken.”

“You’re one to talk.”

And he half-lifted her, to lay on the couch, so he was the one straddling her. His mouth went back to her cleavage.

“And you’re an idiot,” she added, but her voice was weak, as Jim trailed a path of kisses between her breasts.

He pressed his body over hers. “Why?”

“You just are.” And she reached for the clasp of her bra and undid it. Jim gasped, softly, and her eyes met his, dark and with a hunger Pam had never seen before.

“Don’t care,” he said, before sucking her nipple and caressing her sides.

Deliberately, Pam raised one of her knees between his legs and moved hers against his groin. “Oh, Pam,” he murmured from her skin. “Why did it took you this long?”

“Shut it, Jim.”

oooooooo

The only sound she was aware of was of Jim’s quick breathing, next to her. She was feeling out of breath, too. At some point, they had fallen, and now they were lying on the carpet, one next to the other, facing the ceiling.

“Wow,” he finally gasped.

She couldn’t speak, so she just nodded, even though she suspected he couldn't see it. Pam didn’t have energy for much, anyway.

After a moment, he took a deep breath. “We shouldn’t have-”

“No, no,” apparently there was some energy left on her after all. “Don’t you go regretting this, Jim.”

He rose on one elbow and looked at her. “If you’d let me speak- I was saying we shouldn’t have done it on the floor. We should’ve gone to your bed.”

She took her gaze off the ceiling and focused on him instead. His small smile was contagious.

“Too mainstream,” she said.

“Yeah,” he nodded thoughtfully. “Not our style at all.”

She shook her head nonchalantly, even though her heart was beating madly. ‘Their style’? Did they have one? Was there a ‘they’ to begin with?

His expression fell a little. “That’s not how I imagined this was going to be. At all.”

“What did you imagine?”

“I thought… I don’t know. It’s silly now.”

“Say it,” Pam reached for the blanket on the couch and covered her body with it, suddenly very aware she was completely naked.

“I thought you’d leave Roy.”

“I did.”

“I know. I meant before. Would you let me speak?”

“Ok, ok. So I was supposed to leave Roy.”

“Yeah. And I would’ve been there. To help you. And then, I’d ask you out. Take you somewhere fancy. Kiss you good night at your door, after making plans for a second date.” Pam felt her eyes fill with tears, but she blinked them away. Those would’ve been her dreams if she had been strong enough to dare to have dreams in the first place. “And eventually you’d invite me in, and it would’ve been slow, and… I don’t know… romantic.”

One of the tears finally trailed down her cheek and Jim cleaned it with his thumb.

“I was an idiot. A coward and an idiot.” Pam said. There had been so many chances. So many times she could’ve ended things with Roy. And he had been there all along. Feet from her desk. Tears were now running freely, and Jim was looking at a loss of what to do.

“Pam,” he said softly. “Hey, Pam,” he reached his arm and she cuddled against his chest, taking a deep breath and realizing Jim’s smell was one of the best things in life. And that it would be gone too soon.

“I’m sorry, Jim. I’m so, so very sorry. I never… I didn’t… I just.”

He put a finger on her lips, softly, and then reached to tip up her chin. His lips moved slow, and it felt comforting, warm.

“I know, I know,” he said against her lips. “I’m sorry, too.”

They stayed silent for a long moment, and Pam thought he might have fallen asleep.

She should probably wake him up, so he could go home, or to a hotel, or wherever he was staying. Or maybe to her, she couldn’t help but thinking. But she couldn’t face any other possibility different than him, warm against her skin.

“I lied to Hank,” he muttered, and she almost jumped.

“Who?”

“Hank. At the office. I told him I’d forgotten a file on Toby’s desk. And he let me in. I was afraid he would follow me to the annex, but he didn’t. And I took your file.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You address. That’s what took me so long. The moment you drove away I realized… I don’t know exactly what. But the conversation was not over.”

“Yeah, you made that point pretty clear a moment ago.”

“Much longer than ‘a moment’, surely.” Jim raised one eyebrow.

She chuckled. “Don’t call me Shirley.”

He gave a small laugh. “Anyway, the only thing I knew was that you’d move. And I had no idea where. So it was that, or calling… I don’t know. Kelly?”

“Pff! Why would Kelly know?”

“I don’t know. I was a little desperate, in case you didn’t notice.”

“You could’ve fooled me.”

“Yeah.”

Pam gulped. She needed to know. If she was about to feel the most pain she’d ever felt in her life, she could be brave and face it, the sooner the better.

“So, what happens now?”

Jim looked at her for a long moment.

“I don’t know.”

“Oh.”

“What about,” he started moving, slowly, and Pam sat up, the blanket clutched in front of her, “well… I know you only have one kitchen instead of three but, is there a chance that you have a bedroom?”

“I… what?”

“Oh… you want me to leave?”

“You don’t want to leave?”

Their eyes met for a moment, and then he shook his head. “Not unless I have to.”

“You don’t. Only… only… shit, Jim, I don’t understand!”

“What? What is it you don’t understand?”

She looked around, “this!” Then pointed at the two of them, their almost naked bodies, “us! Everything that just happened… what’s that? Because I’m dying here, and I’m tired of having to guess.”

“Pam,” he said, taking one of her frantically moving hands. “Pam. I love you. I… I want to be with you… and this wasn’t the best way to start anything, I know, but… you have to know that I love you.”

“I… I…” Pam sighed. “I didn’t know. You didn’t say.”

“Oh.” Jim looked at the empty space between their bodies. “I might have thought it was implicit.”

“I thought this was just angry sex.”

“Was that for you?”

“Yes. But I also love you, so… there. A little bit of both.”

He chuckled.

“Let’s get to bed, Beesly.” He stood up, and pulled her hand.