There it lay.

A circle of gold.

Beside the container it was ripped from and atop the discarded paper towels, used coffee Kcups and empty Chinese takeout boxes that had contained Darryl’s dinner.

Perhaps it was his. Maybe he was still hungry after the pork fried rice and chicken with broccoli and so he washed it down with one of the mixed berry yogurts Jim had made sure to stock up on before her latest visit.

Darryl was unaware of their lid rituals. He didn’t know how they saved them to adorn the holiday tree each year, a tradition started years back on their first Christmas together with the surprise fir Jim decorated in memories of their friendship and their love.

Apart from the handful of lids now marked with the date of the first Christmas they celebrated together —Jim had never eaten so much yogurt in a one-week period to collect the dozen or so that he hung from the branches that first year—she had since insisted any additional lids to be hung each season be from the prior 12 months, like a new harvest of metallic to symbolize another year of their luminous love.

So, lids were never thrown away. Instead, they were carefully removed, rinsed with care and tucked away into the collection box they kept in the cabinet over the kitchen sink.

But Jim knew this lid wasn’t Darryl’s. In the months they’d been sharing a place, he’d seen Darryl eat a variety of foods mostly chicken wings and pizza, occasionally adding salad or fruit to his diet for a more healthful choice. But never yogurt.

No, he knew it had been Pam’s, this lid that was cast aside like the trash that to most people it was.

What did it say that it was here in the garbage can?

Maybe nothing, Jim tried to convince himself. Maybe now with Cece and Phillip eating so much yogurt she didn’t need to save every single one. They had so many last year, he’s not sure they even hung them all.

The special box wasn’t here, so she probably didn’t feel the need to save this lone lid from today to travel back with.

Then why was it bothering him so much?

Why did a silly tradition, when broken, make him feel broken too? 

Why did he wake up next to his wife and still feel like she was miles away?

Perhaps, because for the first time since they’d gotten together, they were in different places. Not just for a few days a week while he slept here in the small sublet with Darryl and she slept alone in their marital bed. The miles separating them was about what they each wanted. She didn’t want any of it and it was everything he’d dreamed of. At least everything he dreamed of that he didn’t yet have.

Why couldn’t she see just how much he wanted this, how much he needed this?

How he had gone as far as he could go as a paper salesman?

There was nothing left for him at Dunder Mifflin, aside from her. But they were married, had a family. He no longer needed to stay in a dead-end job just to be near her.

Why was it so hard for her to see how great this would be for the whole family?

If things took off as he hoped they would Pam might not even have to work and could be home with the kids instead, maybe pick up something part-time in the art field, the kind she liked, not graphic design but at a gallery or at a school. But did she want that kind of job? He realized he didn’t know. 

It was hard to imagine that 6 months ago they had a hard time discovering something they didn’t know about each other. That she couldn’t even fool him with a made-up story about an old high school friend who tried to hit on her during a recent shopping trip. No, he knew it hadn’t been true then just like he knew she would be excited for him and the new life they had ahead of them here. Or so he had thought.

She’d blindsided him last night. He hadn’t seen it coming. He knew they were having their issues but he thought it was about the secrecy and the investment and that stupid fight about Cece’s recital.

He never thought she had any issues about moving here with him.

There was a time so recent that he would know exactly what she was thinking, exactly how she was  feeling. She wouldn’t have to come out and tell him because he would just know, instinctively.

Could all his time in Philly away from her have numbed his instincts, lessened his acuity or was it him putting up blinders so he wouldn’t see her apprehension.

But he knew he wasn’t all to blame here. After all it was hard to hear what she hadn’t told him, that is until last night.

Why was she so afraid of this move? Philadelphia wasn’t so far from Scranton; they’d still be close enough to family and friends. And though they wouldn’t be working at the same place, they’d have nights and weekends and holidays, just like typical families.

Because she was Pam. Despite all her growth since he’d met her, she still had trouble looking at change as a positive thing.

He got it. Change had not always worked well for her. When she tried at graphic design, she couldn’t complete the program. When she acted on impulse and followed Michael, she almost instantly regretted it.

But this was different. Wasn’t it? This would work out. She’d come around. By Christmas, they’d be here, but in a new place with a bigger tree and a year’s worth of lids on it.

He reached into the trash to retrieve the golden medallion, rinsed it off and tucked it into his messenger bag.  

~~~

Mixed berry yogurt.

There were six of them in the fridge, six yogurts for a single overnight stay.

He was trying.

Here in his fridge was another small gesture like the champagne and candles from the night before.

If only the big gesture wasn’t to start a company without having talked to her about it, in a place she never wanted to go.

She’d tried to accept it. This was what Jim did, he took chances, made leaps and planned grand surprises like the house and the boat reservations and well now this.

He always had their best interests at heart and they always worked out, sometimes they were even the saving grace, like on their wedding day when everything around her seemed to be making her crazy, the private wedding ceremony on the boat was just the thing he knew she would need.

How come he couldn’t see what she needed now?

How come he didn’t understand that this was different from a big purchase or a backup plan and it wasn’t fair that he did this without including her in the conversation?

How come he couldn’t see how scary it was for her?  How it seemed like everything they’d built up for themselves was crumbling as he borrowed bricks from the bedrock to build something she had no part in.  How she was afraid as he left behind the industry they’d learned to navigate together for the sensational world of sports and marketing, a world she knew little about, he’d leave her behind too. 

She’d wanted to tell him sooner how she felt but there never seemed a time. She almost did when he first told her how, despite his previous agreement it wasn’t the right time, he went ahead and became part of the start-up anyway. But her words became smothered and restricted once she saw the pleading look on his face and felt his arms wrapped around her with so much gratefulness, covering her like the swaddling blanket they used to soothe their babies during bouts of incessant wailing. Her true feelings lay trapped inside her, held on her tongue. And the usual Jim gestures that followed, paved the way for more silence. When he depleted their savings so he could be a team player, anger flew from her, the sound and fury unleashed that day like bokeh particles that blurred the focus of what her rage was really about. This time pies and flowers weren’t enough to stop her harsh words but even the furious wraths she hurled at him weren’t the ones that would make him understand what she really felt. 

When her nights of parenting their two small children on her own, exhausted her and filled her with resentment, still she kept it inside having neither the energy or the bravery to share her trepidation.

Weeks passed as they rode a rollercoaster of ups and downs, and when they weren’t arguing or holding back their hostility, they didn’t want to disturb the bits of happiness they still could have together.

And while she stayed silent, Jim made more plans, setting up timelines, reviewing local preschools and arranging for Pam to interview at a local real estate firm.

She gave it a shot, went on the interview, thinking if she could land a good job it might be a big step in making her accept where things seemed to be headed. This wasn’t that job, but the interview was an experience. One she couldn’t wait to share with Jim, bursting to tell him how Michael Scott may not be as unique as they once thought he was because she had just met his doppelgänger.

But as she spent the day waiting on him in the small, lifeless apartment it all became less funny to her as she thought about what her next interview might bring and knew no place would make her as happy as working side by side with Jim. In Scranton.

And as the hours past she realized, even if she found something here and they did relocate, she’d still be feeling like a single parent as he stayed late for meetings, took calls at dinner, traveled, and put the demands of the job before the family.

Last night, over dinner, the words finally spilled out, expelling from her body, dropping onto the pristine white table cloth like oil stains that might never come out.

The look on Jim’s face and hurt in his eyes was like a grey cloud come to cast a shadow over their happy champagne date. Attempts to salvage the evening kept them both from saying more as they tried to ignore the sting of their diverging expectations.

-

She didn’t throw it out right away. Muscle memory was strong, its power drew her to the sink to rinse it off and set it down gently on a napkin to dry. But the feelings she was having were stronger.

Now as she rinsed her spoon and caught the gleam of gold in her periphery, all the bad feelings came flooding back along with the paralyzing fear of where they might be by Christmas if they couldn’t get past this storm. Drops of saline clung to her lashes as she pushed back the gold disc and her worse fears.

Even if they weathered it all, which was seeming harder and harder to do, this lid seemed tainted, tarnished by the acid of their current problems. No, she wouldn’t bring this lid back to Scranton. Its poison wouldn’t reach her home. The tears finally fell as the gold dropped from her hand into the trash bin.

 

~~~

 

She was already gone from the bed when he woke up. He hadn’t noticed her get up but when he reached for her, hoping the tension of the night before had ebbed like morning tides, he felt only the lump of covers left in her wake.

In sleep everything was fine, she was onboard and excited and ready for a new chapter but as he awoke from the Xanadu in his dreams and reality set in, the despair he felt deep in his stomach came back, making it hard for him to move. He wanted to join her in the kitchen so they could share another meal together before she had to head back to Scranton. He knew they needed to talk some more about the revelations of the night before. But by the time he managed to rid his body of the fatigue that last night’s difficult conversation burdened him with and his brain was back in charge of limbs that were fighting to stay where they were, she was already up from the table and on her way back into the room that Jim was now coming from.

Pam planted an emotionless peck on her husband's lips as they passed in the entryway, whispering so not to wake Darryl who had switched with Jim for the night, taking the couch so he and Pam could have some privacy in the apartment’s one bedroom.

“Morning hon. I’d better get into the shower. I’ve got a long drive ahead of me,” she paused and her eyes scanned the dingy beige carpet and similar colored walls before darting off to the slatted blinds that hung in the windows, looking everywhere except into her husband’s eyes.

“I’d really like to try to see the kids before work today."

Guess their next conversation would be when he arrived back at his ersatz home later that evening. The privacy of the bedroom would by then be restored back to Darryl and he would return to the futon but the discomfort of sleeping on the couch was nothing compared to the thought of sleeping continually without her by his side.

He had to convince her. But how? It was hard enough to get her to see when they were face to face but now it would be another important conversation to be had handset to handset instead of in person. Another exchange where he wouldn’t see her eyes, her hands and the body language that used to tell him everything he needed to know before she even said a word. Not that he’d been all that good at reading her lately.

There had once been a time where they could communicate with nothing more than a look, a glance in each other’s direction that would speak volumes but that was a long time ago – when the transmissions were about pulling a prank or mocking Michael or just expressing their love for each other.

But the things they faced now required real communication and that’s where they were failing.

While Pam showered Jim grabbed a bowl and the milk and finished the remaining cereal from a box he hoped wasn’t Darryl’s. He quickly ate his own breakfast, only vaguely aware food was passing over his tongue as there was no taste to what he consumed, only the visual of the spoon reaching his mouth assured him he was actually eating the food in front of him. He left the bowl and the now empty cereal box on the table when her heard the creak of the bathroom door, rushing to meet her back in the bedroom where she silently slipped on her tights and pencil skirt.

“Pam,” he mouthed emotionally.  “Can you just tell me why? What are you so afraid of?”

Jim stepped toward her preparing for her to step and twirl into his arms so he could help her with the zipper as he’d been doing for years. But she never turned and instead reached her own arms behind herself, struggling slightly but self-sealing herself into the snug garment.

“Jim, can we not do this now? I don’t want to have another fight before I leave. Now that Andy is back, I’ve got him to deal with and you know how hard that is even in a good mood.”

She turned to make the bed, even though she knew Jim would need to change the bedsheets before Darryl took repossession of the room.

She spoke to the wall as she ran her hands along the madras comforter, “I’ll have to be extra nice after not coming back to the office yesterday and the last thing I need is to get upset or angry again now.”

Jim knew she had a point. He too didn’t want their last words to each other this morning to be ones of anger but he also couldn’t help thinking back on what Brian had said about him and Alyssa. How when the fighting stopped, when they pulled back from the conflict instead of leaning in that’s when they broke. He knew Pam had to be thinking of them, too. It was only about a week ago, they’d learned how their friends were splitting. Then, she was the one who wanted to duke it out and she made Jim stay and fight instead of leaving early for Athlead. And fight they did that night, but about her crying to the sound guy and how he didn’t appreciate all she was doing on the days he was gone and how it wasn’t fair he took his stress out on her.

They still they never got around to discussing the things that it seemed were the real problem.

And now here she was circumventing the argument, doing exactly what Brian said was the final nail in the coffin of his marriage. Were they becoming just like him and Alyssa? Holding tongue, turning inward instead of pushing each other to say more, even if it was in anger.

He wanted to do it now, press her to yell, force her to lash out, make her say words that would wound but paradoxically lead them to healing.

But he didn’t.

Instead, he picked up her bag and her coat and held her hand as he walked her out to the car. The cold morning air was like a slap, further stiffening their farewell embrace and cutting it short.

Pam promised to call when she arrived back in Scranton and slipped into the front seat to turn over the engine. Jim settled her bags in the back and when he lowered the hatch, he noticed the thin cloud of white vapor from the tail pipe that matched the billowy puffs that escaped his mouth as he walked back around to where she sat waiting for the car to warm up.

Pam rolled down the window so Jim could give her one last kiss and then she drove off, the cloud of vapor fading away along with feel of her last kiss on his lips.

Back in the apartment, Darryl had taken the opportunity to jump into the bathroom while Jim tidied up the remains of his rushed breakfast. It had been cold outside when he walked Pam out, but as he now noticed the gold lid in the trash, his whole body went numb with a chill so deep he shuttered as he retrieved it.

~~~

Pam cried almost the whole trip back. So much for avoiding conflict so should wouldn’t get emotional. But she couldn’t bear to see that look on his face again before her drive home.

She knew they had more to discuss.

She knew he had a right to know what she was afraid of but how could she tell him she was afraid this dream of his might fail. That she didn’t want to uproot their life for something that was still so tenuous.

But worse, she was afraid to tell him how scared she was that it would succeed, and with its success take him further and further away from her and the kids.

Either way it was change and she wasn’t ready for it.

She tried change. She enrolled at Pratt, wasting three months away from Jim only to fail at it in the end.

She tried acting impulsively, foolishly leaving to follow Michael when he threw his tantrum and, on a whim, started his own company.

Neither worked out very well for her. No, whenever she tried to change, change came back and bit her in the ass.

This was his dream, not hers and while she was wearing herself thin holding down the fort, parenting their children, making excuses for him at his other job and trying to be his cheerleader when things weren’t going well, he seemed too preoccupied to care about the things that they once shared, like the insanity happening at the old office and who wasn’t getting a rose that week. Sometimes he even seemed too preoccupied to care about Phillip’s newest quirks, like the little wiggle he seemed to develop in his gait and Cece’s naughty, but nonetheless adorable, sass.  When he wasn’t rushing off the phone for a meeting or a more important call, sometimes she felt like he was barely even listening to her.

All for something that wasn’t guaranteed, and even if it was a success, it would be something he had achieved without her.

He’d wanted to talk that morning, again on his timetable. Where was he all the nights she had waited for him to call back after his quick chat with the kids, all he had time for in the earlier evening?

It was always, “Sorry I took so long hon. I just needed to get my notes together for tomorrow’s meeting or I promised Darryl I’d do the dishes first.”

What about the promises he’d made to her, that he would always be there for her and the family?

So no, this time he’d have to wait until she was ready to talk again.

~~~

The deal with Trent Edwards was a big coup, but it took most of the day. Jim was exhausted by the time he got back to the apartment.

He had been able to compartmentalize his concerns about Pam while they worked up the package for the football star but now that he was back at the apartment, it weighed on his mind again. He wished she’d talked to him this morning, because he didn’t know if he had the mettle or mindset for discussing it now.

It wasn’t an issue though because that night it never came up.

Or the next night.  Or when he was back home later in the week.

Two weeks later after another exhausting day, he arrived home early enough to call home well before the kid’s bedtime. In fact, as tired as he was, his plan was to be in bed earlier than his three year old back home, but not before he spoke to her and Phillip as he did most nights he was away.  

Jim suspected Phillip was beginning to understand it wasn’t just another talking toy that Pam held up for him each night, as he’d begun to babble Dada during some of the more recent times they’d talked. Tonight, as Jim regaled him with lines from Ryan Howard’s screenplay—maybe there was an audience for it after all—he swore he heard him repeat the word ball or maybe it was just the sound of him drooling and smacking his lips together, but either way it made Jim sad he couldn’t show his son his new signed baseball and kiss him goodnight in person.

When it was time for his nightly giggle fest with Cece, he was so tired he almost forgot the knock, knock joke he’d looked up earlier, remembering it just as Pam passed her the phone.

“Knock Knock”

“Who dere?”

“Wah”

“Wah who?”

“What are you so excited about?!”

Jim didn’t know how much she actually understood the jokes he told her each night but she burst into laughter every time all the same. Sometimes, like tonight she even tried to tell her own.

“Dada, why the cookie crying?

“I don’t know Cece, why?”

Cece began chortling before she got the punchline out, her adorable little snicker tickling Jim’s ears but making him miss her even more.

“Because, he had crumbs.”

Another round of giggles came from her little voice while in the background he heard Pam correct her.

“Cece, sweetie, it’s because he felt crummy.”

Pam took the phone back from Cece as he heard the theme song to The Backyardigans start to play.

“She’d been practicing all night. I can’t tell you how many times I told her the punchline. She makes me think of Michael, the way she tells jokes.”

“I don’t know Pam, I like her version. And her delivery was much better than Michael’s ever was.”

Suddenly the sound of Uniqua and Tyrone and the rest of the animated characters Cece loved to watch before she went to bed at night got softer as Jim assumed Pam had moved from the den for a little privacy.

“More promos started airing. There seems to be a lot of me and you. They call us the lovers. In the one I saw today there were four clips of us.”

“Like what?” he questioned, fearful at just how much of their lives was going to be shared with all of the country in just a few weeks and just as fearful that as the series was beginning, the love story it portrayed would be at risk of reaching an ending.

“Remember when we had the picnic on the roof after reading Michael’s script. They caught that.”

Jim sat up from his prone position on the couch, about to reach for his bag to get out his laptop so he can try and find the one she was talking about on the web but just as soon changed his mind. He told himself no computer tonight. He knew once he booted up, he’d only get caught up in more work and he told himself he’d make it an early night, catch up on the sleep he needed so he could be 100% by the time he was home for the weekend with his family.

“You’re kidding. That was before we were even together. You were still with Roy. Why would they even think to follow us up there?”

It relieved him to think of the event she described, to remember the foundation their love was built on, friendship and connection, and a history of little moments. It reassured him they would somehow find their way back.

“I guess they knew we were going to be a thing before we did.”

Back in a lying position on the couch, eyes closed already he didn’t need the laptop to see the beautiful smile of the girl he fell in love with all those years ago. It was a sweet memory to fall asleep to, the two of them on the roof, sharing a quiet night and grilled cheese unaware of all they had ahead of them, tough times and then finally happiness. He found himself zoning out thinking of it, drifting under already until he heard her speak his name.

“Jim,” she said quietly the lighthearted tone she’d had moments ago suddenly deepening to a more somber quality. “What are we doing? We really need to figure out this stuff between us because I can’t keep doing this. I need you home.”

Two weeks he’d been waiting for her to be ready to talk. He hadn’t brought it up, hoping maybe time would be what she needed to come around. Why, tonight was she ready to talk, when he was too tired to even change from his work clothes before crashing on the futon couch.

“Pam, I’m so tired. I just used the last of my energy making Cece laugh. Can we please not do this now? I’ll be home tomorrow and I promise we will sit down and talk.”

But they didn’t.

As usual the time he was home with her and the kids was too precious to waste fighting.

The time he was away continued to be too stressful and tiring for both of them, neither able to exert any extra energy on weighty conversations.

So they kept on ignoring it. And the resentment built up, the fears got worse and lids kept getting thrown out.

 

Gold.

There was no other word to describe the sky that morning.

Drowsiness from the early hour wasn’t the only thing that had Jim reverently quiet.

It was the brilliant radiance of the sun breaking over the horizon, glints of light filling the surrounding atmosphere with a metallic overlay, as if his golden lid, the one that pulled him back to her, was magnified and draped across the sky.

He’d seen other sunrises before this one. More often than not he was out before the sun, on his way to work as the morning star lit up the clouds with a gleaming edge as it rose into the AM sky.

But he’d never watched a sunrise with her before.

He usually liked to sleep in on the weekends, especially now that he awoke with her nestled into his body, her copper curls tickling his chest as she began to stir from the stream of morning haze that escaped through the blinds and dropped speckles of gold into the air.

She’d discovered the spot at Nay Aug Park while he was still working in Stamford by way of an assignment for her first art class. She’d shown him the painting after they’d gotten together, which was spectacular and had him in awe of her talent, but she insisted he witness the inspiration in person, her rendition could never do it justice. 

He was glad she insisted. There was something about this spot and seeing it through her artist’s eye that made him understand why she dragged him out of bed to share the moment. Aside from the beauty in the sky, there was splendor in the experience, the way her fingers felt in his as he took it in, the way he felt her smiling at him, like rays of sun themselves. This moment that he once thought never could happen was finally real, she was finally his. 

They walked hand in hand in a comfortable silence taking in the magnificence as the sky went from a deep ebony black to rich royal purple before strands of copper like the ones in her hair, danced through the morning sky slowly gaining in their gleam as they expanded over the landscape stretched out in front of them

“I know it’s early for you. But it’s worth it, isn’t it?”

Jim could barely speak – murmuring his agreement then pulling her close to drop his lips to the crown of her head, where the gold of the sun seemed to be spun into her hair.

“I’m so glad I can share this with you,” she whispered. “Let’s come back again to take in a sunset. Similar look. Less ungodly hour.”

 

-

Therapy was different from what Toby had told him it would be. Maybe their therapist had different methods, different ways to get them to connect and hear each other and find their way back.

Their therapist started by asking questions just like Toby said she would. But it was exercises like these neither of them expected.

Today, they started the session not by talking, but as instructed to, by sitting in silence, holding hands, eyes closed and thinking of an early memory they experienced together. She told them it didn’t have to be a big moment just one that happened only by having each other in their lives.

Jim had so many moments to recall but it was this sunrise that he saw as his lids dropped, this moment he described when the therapist asked what they thought of.

And Pam had a similar vision.

Hers was of a sunset, at the same beach where she’d finally let out all the feelings she’d been holding back for a year. They’d returned there often that summer, enjoying the sand and the scenery without the rest of their officemates, and on the night she described, they spent a whole day talking not realizing how fast the time flew by as they shared. As the other beachgoers sharing the space departed the scene along with the sun, they remained on the golden sand watching the jewel-toned sky fade to a blanket of diamonds glistening in the ebony sky. He recalled what they did once the cover of night took over, the risqué deed they engaged in under the blanket, but still in a public place, a first for both of them.

She didn’t mention this bit in her description to the therapist but he knew she remembered that part too. It was this brazen act, that opened a world of more adventurous exploration with each other and one that she subtly hinted about via puckish IMs on dull days at the office when free cell and pranks weren’t enough to drive away the boredom.

Jim saw it as hopeful, a positive sign that the memories they shared were like bookends, him picturing the early morning sunrise they experienced together, she the sunset they took in together.

At least he did, until the therapist remarked how interesting it was that his vision was about new beginnings while she brought up the day’s end.

~~~

Days after the first session, Pam sat in a playground watching Cece run around a new play space while Phillip took a late afternoon nap she knew she’d regret letting him take when he would refuse to go to down that night. She felt a little guilty for not heading back to the office after the last-minute cancellation from the prospective new CRM software company but not enough to forgo the opportunity it gave her to take her daughter to play while still light out on an unusually warm, early spring day.

She only wished Jim were here with her to share it. But she knew even if he was here, he might not be really here.

Just like he had once before, he seemed to be leaving some of himself in another city even when he came back every couple of days.

It must have been why she thought of that memory, because it happened in that same place. The memory of that day they shared at the beach was always accompanied by the memory of another night they were together there. The one when she summoned him back from Stamford, 6 months after he returned to Scranton.

But the thing the therapist pointed out about their memories was the conflict of their visions and perhaps she knew of what she spoke. Despite the idyllic stretches of their past they were still at odds with what they wanted for the future and they still hadn’t been able to work out how to reconcile their divergent desires.

But it had only been one session as the therapist said, an introduction to the process not a one and done fix.

Still, she was haunted by how they had wound up with a therapist at all. How had they gone from the couple who had no secrets to one that could only communicate with a third party to help facilitate the exchange of words from one to another.

She thought again about what it took to break Jim out the last time he’d gone inward. It took her own bravery, strength from her to tell him what she wanted or at least what she felt. But she was so tired now and she didn’t know how much strength she could muster up this time.

Phillip stirred in the stroller letting out a whimper of a cry before he resettled again, flipping his limp head to the other shoulder. She knew it was trouble letting him sleep this long but Cece seemed so happy as she climbed through crawl tubes, slithered down the mini slide and played conductor in the playground’s train apparatus. She knew once he woke up it would be time to go so she let him go on sleeping knowing full well she’d pay for it that night. 

They were at a different playground, one midway between her mom’s house and the one closest to her home, where she and Jim took the kids on weekends. She’d planned to stop at that one, but the traffic from her mom’s was terrible and so not to waste precious daylight time she found a new place for Cece to play that afternoon.

But Cece didn’t seem to notice, taking the opportunity to explore the new jungle gyms and slides as a welcome adventure. She had no fear of the new locale or the unfamiliar children that also ran through the space.

 As she sat and watched her daughter, she thought more about her own fears of change. How her fears paralyzed her, but sometimes with good reason she self-rationalized as she thought again of her decision to go to art school in New York and her choice to leave with Michael.

Pratt, in the end it was a failure. But Jim always reminded her how much she gained from her experience, skills that she could apply in other art disciplines, confidence from trying something new but most of all she learned graphic design wasn’t the kind of art she wanted to do, something she would have always wondered about had she not had the courage to try at it.

The Michael Scott Paper Company. How she ever thought this was a good idea was beyond her, but she got swept up in his excitement and was still feeling lost after coming back to her old unfulfilling job following art school. But even this fiasco, Jim often reminded her, got her out from behind the reception desk and into something she was good at, not sales she soon discovered, but office management the job she boldly made for herself.

The more she thought about it the more she realized how overcoming her fears had huge rewards. The biggest one, she suddenly realized was Jim. It was fear that almost lost him. Fear of getting out of a relationship that was no longer fulfilling her, fear of admitting what she was feeling, fear of change.

It could have had a different ending, had fate not stepped in. Fate and courage, fate and fearlessness, fate and stepping out of her comfort zone and finally speaking out, no matter who heard her. Only in getting past her fear of change did she get everything she ever wanted, him, a beautiful life together, and their two children.

But this was different, he was asking her to make a change when there wasn’t a need. They were happy, things were good, their life seemed perfect just as it was.

And now here they were again. In a place of pain and silence and half presence. Was she to blame for fears she couldn’t help? No, at least not on her own. He set this in motion, without her. And as usual he expected her to play catch up.

~~~

Jim took another look at the notes in front of him. They weren’t the month’s projections for Athlead or timelines for Wade. They were the things about Pam that made him fall in love with her.

It was part of the homework assigned after the second session with the marriage counselor.

It was hard to squeeze out more time in the day to devote to these written assignments but if it would help, he would find the time, although Jim couldn’t quite understand how writing about the past would fix the problems of the present.

There were things he knew he loved about his wife. Qualities that hadn’t changed since he first met her. But there were a million things more he couldn’t quite define. But he did his best to write them down as he was instructed to.

He had written how the beauty of her smile seemed custom made for him and that laugh, he could listen to it all day, especially when he knew it was from an impression he portrayed, a look he flashed or a prank he played on an unsuspecting officemate or even her.

She was still his best friend; his heart still skipped a beat when she walked in a room and he never got bored of hearing her stories, even when he’d heard them a dozen times before. She could still go head-to-head with him on his banter and pranks, giving as well as she got but her warmth and kindness still shined through in everything she did.

Her talent still blew him away, the way she could create such beauty from nothing with paint and pencils and though she still couldn’t embrace it, the computer programs she’d taught herself, learning more from her own experimentation than what she had at the school of design she attended for three months.

She was his support and his biggest cheerleader, his champion and partner in crime and the way she would look at him, with such admiration made him feel invincible and granted him a confidence that he knew he wouldn’t have achieved without her.

No, none of it had changed for him, if anything everything he’d felt had exploded when she gave him their two beautiful children and he watched her grow to the wonderful mother she had become. And watching her blossom over the years as she stepped out of the shadow of self-doubt and insecurity only made him fall deeper in love.

But now he was screwing everything up.

He knew it was his fault. With everything he loved about his wife, he knew she wasn’t perfect. She had her flaws, her stifling fear of what was new and different was one of the biggest ones. It was the thing that almost made him lose her. Her risk-aversiveness often was what had her giving up, sometimes before the hand was even dealt.

Jim knew he was often too much the opposite, impulsive and risky. But there was one time in his life when he held back and the waiting too long almost cost him everything. Once he gained back what he’d gambled away with his silence, he decided never again would he let that happen. It was why he often acted first and thought about the consequences later.

But his impetuosity led to this new trouble, a second time he hadn’t played his cards right.

He made his opening mistake not telling her as he set up his hand. He knew in doing that he had taken his riskiest move yet.

But when he went all in, that was where the real damage began.

Going all in had never worked for him, at least not when it came to Pam. It was only when she showed her cards that he made the right play. But this time she wasn’t showing the cards he wanted to see and he went ahead and took the gamble anyway and now they were here in marriage counseling trying to get back what they’d lost so fast.

The other thing he knew about his wife was how she kept her own cards close to her chest, having trouble sharing her true feelings about something if she thought he’d be disappointed with what she was thinking or had to say. So she often held things in, holding her emotions in check like tiny bubbles in a can of soda, still under containment while problems and worries stayed slight.

But a little tremor and things would start to agitate.

Another jiggle and the pressure would build.

Shake, shake, shake, until the frustrations and anger burst out like a carbonated beverage exploding everywhere creating a sticky mess like the one they were in now.

It first happened before they were even dating, when he pushed her to take chances in spite of Roy’s disapproval. It happened again when they had their first real fight, when she’d been scared to meet his friends and he couldn’t understand why she kept making excuses every time he brought it up.

And it happened this past Halloween, when she’d reached her breaking point with his secrecy and his going off script in decisions that should have been both of theirs to make.    

But what he realized finally, after the many fights that followed that one, was that this time it was him who had not been forthcoming; he who kept his secrets. It was him having the misplaced explosions. Like the one about the recital. It wasn’t really about the fact she had trouble with her phone and missed recording it. He knew it and so did she. But at that moment, the lack of communication and mutual misunderstanding reached its combustion point.

“I'm doing this just for me? Is that what I'm doing? I'm doing it just for me. If that's what you think, then this is a really sad night.”

He knew it all came down to her not grasping just how much he needed this. How it was his art school, something he had to try or forever regret not going for. But he never let her in on just what he was feeling, just how stagnant and worthless he was starting to feel in the job that had taken him as far as he could go. How he felt he was failing her and the family and himself by not chasing his own dream and not providing more for them, the kind of more that would let her start a business as a muralist or go back to study the kind of art she wanted to; to find a pursuit that would fulfill her more than managing an office and their household.

It was the fact he was failing on two fronts that led him to lash out that night; in the business that was hitting more snags than he’d anticipated and in his marriage that was doing the same.

This time it was him keeping his cards hidden, and that night he was the soda under pressure. Keeping it closed didn’t prevent the bubbles from building inside. The guilt and the disappointments and the arguments and the fatigue all still churning inside causing a tumultuous expansion which he couldn’t prevent from becoming the eventual explosion that left her in tears. Tears he’d learned about on Valentine’s day from the boom mike operator instead of from her.

The worse of it was that had he just been honest and open from the start, she would surely been behind him just as she always had been. He only hoped it wasn’t too late to fix the mess he created.

“I had you do those last few exercises because it’s important to remember the reasons you came together, the ways you made each other better. Identifying and listing those qualities can help you see them again now as you go about your day to day.”

Jim and Pam sat side by side once again in the therapist’s office. It had been a few sessions and they seemed to be making some progress. The anger that had been surging and raging began to ebb somewhat, but like the tides, it still returned regularly, sometimes in ferocious waves but more often now in slow ripples that calmed before it crashed over them. But they were still just treading, still in trouble of being pulled back under by the pent up hurt and intermittent fury that came on sometimes with no warning.

Additionally, some important dialogue had transpired between them, mostly during the sessions, but they were still at an impasse when it came to the issue at the heart of their problems. But in being open and receptive while with the therapist there seemed to be hope and their discussions with her highlighted how very much in love they still were despite those problems.

“Now these next assignments are tougher because they are not about who you are fundamentally, they are the things you need to do. Regardless of how this started, now that you are living through this conflict of interests, you have both made some sacrifices, yes?”

Jim turned to face Pam, the look in his eyes, a facsimile of their daughter’s those times when Phillip’s wails would bring them both rushing into the room where they’d find she’d taken away one of his toys or swatted at him in frustration. Only the mix of irritation, guilt and supplication was now rendered in Jim’s green irises instead of her baby blues. 

Pam looked back at him, her own irises glistening from the liquid forming over them as they both nodded at each other and then back to the woman who spoke to them with a calm and gentle inflection.

“I want you to look for every chance to acknowledge and appreciate those sacrifices. Because Jim you need to appreciate what Pam's been doing to run the house while you’re away…And Pam you need to appreciate the hard work and hours he’s putting in for the benefit of the whole family.”

Pam shifted her feet, switching from a left over right ankle cross to a right over left. Jim reached for her hand and gave it a small squeeze that while she accepted, she didn’t squeeze back in return.

“But that doesn’t mean you need to hold back when you are feeling hurt or treated unfair. In fact, I want you speaking your truths. Hold nothing back. This is your opportunity to share everything you both failed to back when your trouble began. I want you to call those instances, opportunities."

They spent the rest of the session acknowledging each other and speaking truths and reading from the journals they had been keeping; journals they were instructed to keep up with, now adding these ‘opportunities’  alongside the reasons they fell in love and ways they completed each other.

She closed the session with words that brought tears back into both of their eyes this time.

“Marriage is not always simple. Think of it as a body of water, like a river, it needs fluidity to stay fresh and unpolluted. In time, the body of water with no motion will become murky and contaminated. A marriage, like water, needs to ebb and flow, sometimes in wild rush, sometimes in a calm stream but it always needs to move…

When you fail to communicate you stop that movement. When you stay rigid and resolute you risk contamination. When you don’t speak up, your river stops flowing and becomes a bog.”

Pam couldn’t help but think of their wedding, the rushing waters of Niagara Falls in the background as they said I do and how she wouldn’t even have that memory had it not been for Jim and the bold actions he took, time and time again for her. 

“Until our next session you need to work on your communication and showing your appreciation for each other…

While you do, I also want you to try and think of times you stopped the motion in your relationship, actions or rather non-actions that stopped your flow. And think of the alternate actions you could have taken so to prevent those mistakes for the next time.”

As if on cue, just as she finished speaking a gentle, three-note melody hummed, the timer signaling the end of their allotted time. As it played, the three of them stood and headed towards the door. Their therapist reached for the handle but waited a beat before opening the door.

Turning back to her clients she added, “I’ve leave you with this. Happiness is not a gift. It is something that is achieved. Success in a marriage is much more than finding the right partner, it’s a matter of being the right partner.”

~~~

Back at home that night they started with the truth telling and appreciation, however now without the audience of the therapist, they found it unnatural and forced. But they did it anyway hoping that the more they practiced the less strange it would seem to praise every considerate action and every small gesture, even the little things they had been doing for each other for years.

Jim figured that must have been why they were doing it, to remind themselves that the day to day, however mundane was important and sometimes needed to be acknowledged.

Speaking their truths was a little harder. Sure, there were things Pam did that Jim didn’t appreciate, like how she never refilled the water in the Keurig or how she never turned off a light when she left the room. But they weren’t ever something he’d complain to her about, not when she barely got to finish her morning coffee because she was busy attending to their kids. She was the light of his life so how could he complain when she left one on from time to time. But now they were being told to tell each other every little thing.

He still wasn’t sure she needed to know the cost per wattage equation that he calculated in his head whenever he walked into an empty room with the TV and lights still on. But maybe there were some things best not to keep her in the dark about. Maybe, they couldn’t take it for granted anymore that they would always know what the other was thinking or feeling. Sure, they were good at it, better than most, but sometimes they still couldn’t read each other’s minds, words needed to be said.

They continued at the office the next day, speaking their truths and expressing their appreciation. They knew it was weird and so did everyone around them. Even Clark, who hadn’t known them all that long asked whether they were high, so strange was the behavior they were exhibiting with each other.

Strange as they were, the exaggerated exchanges did get them opening up a bit more.

However, it still didn’t seem enough. Pam still got annoyed at every call from Isaac or Wade and seemed to be no closer to accepting the relocation his going to Athlead full time would require. As the hours passed and it got closer to his time to leave for Athlead for the week, she seemed to grow more and more distant.

It didn’t help that she was called away for an interview during his last hour at the office.  He wanted to have a little more time to talk, really talk to her, and instead she was cordoned away in the conference room with the damn cameras instead. In all the years of the film crew being around, they never interfered with the actual course of their lives. Sure, they were always in their face, always catching the intimate moments that he would have preferred to be private.

Like the rooftop date, that wasn’t a date, but kinda was…

and when he first attempted to tell her how he felt with a teapot and a strategically placed note that he was pretty sure now the cameras caught him take back...

and the night when she set her wedding date with Roy, when the pain in his heart led him to reveal his feelings to Michael, pain he thought couldn’t get any worse...

until it did when he told her he loved her and he blitzed attacked her with a confession and a kiss he thought could change her mind, and almost did, until her fears took over and the pain nearly swallowed him up.

All of it, he’d seen in the promos.

All of it he realized would soon be aired for the whole world to see.

And once again, the cameras were there as they lived through their most difficult time. Only now it was so much more painful since what he was slowly losing was not just the object of his desire, not just a dream of what could be.

It was his wife, and his family. It was his heart, his soul, his everything.

The cameras had never really bothered him before, sometimes they were a nuisance, but in all honesty, he had fun with the guys and got a kick out having them there to witness the insanity and hilarity of their everyday lives. But now that kick felt aimed back at himself, a gut punch in his stomach and a lot like a third person in his marriage blocking the way back to their happiness.

First there was Brian, who crossed a boundary that had eventually gotten him fired, when he had taken Jim’s place comforting his wife and saving her from the goon in the warehouse that almost roughed her up. Of course, he was glad Brian was there for the latter but certainly not the former. especially when it brought to the surface feelings of jealousy and anger he didn't quite understand.

He felt more aware now of how they were always filming, catching their awkward phone calls and their big mistakes, making it hard to open up at the moments when they needed to because it wasn’t just between them, it was being recorded for the show that would be airing soon.

This felt like another an intrusion, pulling her away when he so obviously needed this extra time to talk to her. But with nothing more he could do while she talked to them instead of him, he took the time to pack up his things.

From inside his desk drawer, he gathered his papers and the therapy journal and placed them in his bag. He picked up the umbrella that he purposely left at the end of the desk so he wouldn’t forget it again and slipped it into the front section of the satchel. Rain wasn’t predicted for tonight but it hadn’t been when he got caught without his umbrella in the downpour that left him soaked while waiting for a taxi in Philadelphia. Unpredicted rain showers, he’d soon realized could always pop up and while a little sprinkle wasn’t a big deal, massive unannounced storms, they were harder to survive without proper protection. He’d learned the hard way that no matter how sunny the sky seemed, there could always be a chance of rain. It was important to check the forecast and have the umbrella handy. One never knew when it would be needed.

As he pushed it down into the front pocket of his bag, his eye caught sight of another item he tucked into the bag weeks ago.  

~~~

He leaned down to her to say goodbye, his eyes darting around and never quite meeting hers, perhaps because she was having trouble looking at him too. But his words were soft and sincere and spoken in a throaty whisper that she’d only ever heard before in the bedroom, when seduction was his aim. She’d been missing him in that way too, and hearing the voice made her think just how much. But even the deep timbred undertone was still not able to coax her out of her detachment.

“I know this was really weird, and it was really hard. But I think we're making progress. So I'm really sorry that I have to go but let's keep at this. Okay?”

When he finally did look at her it was the tenderness that she saw in his eyes that nearly broke through the steel that as the hours passed that day, closed around her heart. But all she could do was choke out an okay and turned back to her typing as Jim pushed away from her desk and quietly disappeared out the front reception door.

Looking back over at his now empty desk, she instantly regretted her coldness, and suddenly remembering her task at recording these moments she pulled out her therapy journal, flipping to the bookmarked page. Before she turned to the next blank page in her book, she read over the last things she had written.

 

Why I fell in love with Jim?

So many reasons, I could never list them all but these are the ones that most come to mind.

He’s my best friend. He has been almost since the day we met. We connected in a way I’d never connected with anyone, not even Roy who I was engaged to at the time. I lived with Roy, worked right above him and yet I think back about how it was always Jim I was excited to share things with, Jim who I went to for advice, Jim who made me laugh.

No one else can make me laugh like he does. It’s not just that he’s funny or he makes those goofy faces or there’s a playfulness between us, that makes me smile. It’s a feeling he brings out in me where the bubbles form in my belly and explode from my body and I’m effervescent with his spirit. 

The way he seemed to know me better than I knew myself back then; how he listened to the things I said and paid attention to the things I did and knew things I had no idea he knew. When he wasn’t using them against me for silly pranks and jokes, he was storing them away to bring out with little surprises and grand Jim gestures.

Of course, there’s how smart and well liked he is and well I can’t not bring up the sexual attraction between us. That first kiss, I was seeing stars and If I wasn’t feeling so guilty and confused who knows what would have happened.

It’s the ease I feel when I talk to him, and the way I never feel like I need to be anyone but my true self with him. There wasn’t ever anything I couldn’t tell him, except maybe how I felt when he came back from Stamford. But even through those toughest of times, when he was dating someone else, he was so happy for me that I’d finally started the art classes I had always wanted to and no one was more excited than him to hear about the art contest I won.

He was always supportive, even before we were together, challenging me to do more, be more, even when it made me lash out at him. He was pushing me towards my dreams even when Roy didn’t, even when I couldn’t. And that support never wavered, ever. 

When I wanted to go to art school in New York, he was all for it, even though it meant we’d be apart, he said we’d make it work. It was more important for me to give my dream a go. And when I failed that class that meant another three months away, he was disappointed but he let me know he’d be behind me whatever I’d decided to do.

When I decided on a whim, to leave the security of my job and follow Michael’s ridiculous notion to start his own company, he never once told me what a mistake I was making, even when we had a mortgage to pay and the loss of my salary would mean he would have to work harder to cover my part. But he stayed behind my decision, even waking up early with me (something he hated to do) and teaching me as best he could his best sales tips.

 

As Pam kept reading her words, she thought about how Jim had always supported her dreams, had always been 100% behind the things she wanted for herself. Why was she not doing the same? Because, she told herself, he hadn’t gone about things the right way. He should have told her before he decided to make a decision as big as this, before he decided to wipe out their savings and their job security and take her away from the place where they grew up, fell in love, made their family and created all their memories together.

But he made a mistake. Everyone makes them. Hells if she hadn’t made plenty in the years they’d known each other. Big ones too. Ones that almost kept her from everything they had, her marriage, her children, her beautiful life.

The anger inside of her flared.

Anger at herself.

She threw down her pen and slammed the book, sending it flying across the desk. And that’s when she saw it. The pink message page with the gold lid attached.

 

~~~

 

He had hoped the trinket of gold and pink paper note he left by her keyboard would have the same impact it once had for him. That she’d be propelled from her seat, as he had been back when he discovered the original version, and drawn to where he was waiting in the idling taxi.

When after 15 minutes, the door to the business park remained closed and she didn’t come out, he knew it was over.

He told the driver finally they could go.

 

 

You, Cece, Phillip – you are my treasures. You are my Gold.

I’m sorry I forgot that but I promise never to again.

Please don’t let go.

I love you.

Jim

She read it five times before she could make out all the words through her tear-soaked eyes.

She swallowed back her sobs as she brought the yogurt lid to her chest, gasping for breath as she closed her eyes and let hot tears spill down her face.

“Now I know you are high, because that is a gold yogurt lid that you are crying over.”

She ignored Clark as she tried unsuccessfully to restrain the ugly cry that was taking over.

Uncomfortably he added, “You like shiny stuff? Here.”

He held out a wrinkled piece of silver.

“Want my old gum wrapper? It’s shiny. I also might be able to wrangle up some tin foil from the break room.”

Clark laughed awkwardly at himself and Pam swore she heard a snicker from the cameraman too, but his joke did little to lighten the mood or stop her tears.

Luckily most everyone else was still down in the warehouse watching the paper airplane contest, because her sobs got louder as the feeling washed over her that Jim was gone, off trying to make something happen in a city far from Scranton.

But it wasn’t now she was thinking of, it was a time long ago, long before they had Phillip and Cece, long before she had a ring of gold on her finger, back when the only gold connecting her to Jim was the one she slipped in his papers before he left for the interview with David Wallace.

She remembered how she felt as she collated the sales figures, sorting his from Karen’s. Emotions were high back then too. She’d told him how she felt, as best she could, having humiliated herself in the process and gained a new enemy in Karen, clearly as before the beach, Karen always made her own copies.

That day, while recalling all the fun times they had since he started at Dunder Mifflin, all the little moments they shared, all the ways they made each other better and even all the hurt they caused each other, she once again took a bold step, summoned up her courage and acted with fearlessness, having nothing more to lose and everything to gain.

She recalled how empowered she felt when she stopped worrying about Karen or anyone else for that matter and showed him just how much history there was between them, just how much she got him and he got her, just how much, she loved him.

She knew the words she wrote on the note didn’t really matter. It was the gold lid that spoke for her, reiterating everything she’d said at the beach, maybe saying even more.

She remembered also how good it felt back then on the beach, to walk the hot rocks and finally speak her truth after so long holding it in.

Maybe the therapist did know what she was talking about.

But back then she didn’t need a therapist to tell her what she needed to do.

She pulled herself together and picked up the phone. She had to know what she had done back then. She needed to hear what he lost when he spotted her gold.

“David Wallace please…”

 

~~~

He sat at the park for what seemed like hours.

That she didn’t appear in the parking lot was explainable. Who knows when she found the note. Plus, she would have no reason to believe he’d be waiting downstairs for her, although he had hoped she knew him well enough to know he would be.

That she hadn’t called in the stretch since, that was harder to swallow, even if it was just to say she loved him too.

But Pam always took her time with things. Impulsive she was not, he knew that. For as much as they had in common, that was one way they differed. While not reckless, he still tended towards action first, acting on his impulses. She on the other hand needed to look before she leapt. In many ways it made them a good team, kept them in balance.

But he foolishly believed this time she wouldn’t need to think at all, she’d just act just as she had back on the beach those many years ago.

The longer he sat, the more certain he became about his latest impulsive action.

He had forgotten how late the sun stayed out in April, having not been here to watch a sunset in a long time. They used to do it all the time but that was before the kids and busy schedules, working two jobs and daily arguments.

Quite frankly it was before they’d forgotten how important it was to take a break and let the world pass by as they sat on a bench to watch the sky fade to gold.

But he had nowhere to go anymore, he could wait for it.

If gold couldn’t bring her to him, he knew what he needed to do to find his way back to her.

~~~

David hadn’t been available when she called, but the assistant assured Pam she would have him call her back.

“Please, it’s important.”

As the hour ticked away and her phone didn’t ring, she almost convinced herself it didn’t matter.

In the silence, the little voice in her head got louder telling her it shouldn’t make a difference what David had to say.  Regardless of what she would learn now, back then he’d made a decision back that changed his life.

And hers.

Just as she was about to pick up the phone again, this time to make the call she knew she should have the minute she found the note, her phone finally rang.

It was a quick conversation. David was a bit surprised she was asking about it so many years later but he gave her the answer she’d suspected all those years ago — yes, he was prepared to offer the job to Jim. The interview was barely a formality, the job would have been his had he not cut it short and taken himself out of consideration.

Pam thanked David and hung up the phone and fiddled with the medal again.

Jim had the opportunity to be a VP. He had the chance to take a huge leap in his career, in New York where he surely would have shone as bright as the gold she held between her fingers.

But he’d given it up to come back to Scranton; to come back to her.

And now, he was finally back on the precipice of something huge, a position of importance, a level of success that already surpassed anything he might achieve as a paper company executive. This time the job was in a field he was truly passionate about, one that made him giddy with excitement much the same way it did when they goofed off at Dunder Mifflin. Only now it was the actual work that gave him the same gleeful enthusiasm he once had holding Olympics in the office, playing desert island in the parking lot and ping pong down in the warehouse.

And she was making him walk away from it.

Again.

Why was she being so selfish? What was she so afraid of? Moving from her home. Home wasn’t a place, it was wherever her family was, Scranton, Philly, anywhere. What she should be afraid of is losing him. She knew how that felt and it was the worse feeling she’d ever experienced. She wouldn’t let it happen again. She knew what she had to do.

Unfortunately, that would have to wait because Andy—who ever since he’d been back was needier than her 15-month-old—was calling for her.

“Pam, can I see you in my office, please?”

It was so much better when he was off on a boat somewhere.

The bag at his feet held the notes for the upcoming meeting, the one he would now miss. In his pocket was the iphone that kept chirping with the Athlead guys calling one after another.

First Darryl, then Isaac.

Wade and Collin and then Darryl again.

But still no Pam.

With every 18 harmonic beats of the marimba chime that echoed in his pocket, he pulled out the phone to glimpse at the name that popped on the screen and each time slipped it back when it wasn’t her.

He knew the guys would keep calling. The long bus ride from Scranton to Philadelphia was usually the perfect time to catch up with his Athlead colleagues without interruption. The random stink eye he might get from another bus rider trying to nap or generally annoyed from his public conversation was nothing compared to the stare downs and hostility he got from Pam when the guys called during “her” time. Jim appreciated why it was important to be present when in Scranton and with her, and he tried to keep the calls to a minimum, but the Athlead guys, they weren’t quite as sympathetic and he couldn’t always ignore their calls.

The 2-and-a-half-hour bus trip was when he could return all their calls and get the scoop on what he missed before he arrived back at Athlead headquarters.

But there was little reason to get caught up anymore.

He tried to convince himself he felt no sadness at giving it up. After all, he was tired of the back-and-forth travel and the stress of worrying about Pam and the kids when he was away.

Working until ungodly late hours of the night too was not ideal or healthy, even if it was trying to land a client like Blake Griffin or Brian Westbrook. Neither was scarfing down dinners of Apple Jacks and Doritos and whatever was in the Athlead kitchen because there wasn’t even time to run out for fast food as they pulled together a last-minute presentation or jumped at an opportunity with a limited shelf life.

Being a silent partner could have its advantages. It would certainly mean less stress and give him back his time with his family.

He’d be happy to no longer have to experience that gnawing sensation that churned in his gut, making him feel anxious as if he left something behind or he’d lost something precious, the one that occurred every morning he woke up alone and every evening he missed out on kissing his children goodnight. Being full time at home again meant more time for outings to the park, dinners at Christopher’s and sunsets with his wife.

The longer he sat the more he began to feel better about what he needed to do.

As time continued on, he realized there was so much he was looking forward to now that his decision was made. It had him feeling almost buoyant, like the stray balloon that passed overhead in the sky, probably released by accident at the playground on the other side of the park where they sometimes took their own kids.   

So, it wasn’t quite regret that kept him from answering their calls. It was something else, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on but kept his hands from swiping his phone to the right to respond to the continuous ringing.

It was a lot like how he felt on that last day at home right before he left for university. He couldn’t have been more excited to start his new life as a collegiate, couldn’t wait to live in the dorms, make new friends, have new experiences but as the final duffle was loaded into the car and it was time to go, he had trouble making his body take the steps away from his home and toward the new life awaiting him.

He knew once he answered just what he would have to do and he wasn’t quite ready for that moment yet. He’d put so much effort into making a go of this company, converting it from an idea he once had, a dream he’d held onto for over a decade, to the reality it had become and the success it was headed for.

He supposed it was a bit like being in mourning what he felt now, to have to step away, to leave his dream behind in the hands of Wade and Darryl and Isaac, all hands he was sure were very capable, but were not his own.

But there was no other choice.

Athlead, no matter how big it got, how successful it became, if it was the reason he lost Pam it would be his biggest failure.

 

~~~

It took 40 minutes for Andy to go over all the specs he needed in the new color printer for the office, the one that would be ideal for headshots, and another ten for her to assure him he made a convincing spectator number two.

When she finally escaped from his office, there were two new pink messages atop her desk and her phone was ringing.

Assuming it was Jim who was calling to let her know he arrived, she rushed to grab it. She couldn’t wait to tell him about her change of heart, to tell him to put the deposit down at the preschool, to find a local realtor. It was amazing how light she now felt, the fears she’d still been feeling even just 2 hours ago were replaced by excitement and eagerness. Nearest she’d ever felt to this sensation of nervous anticipation was when they watched the fireworks at Toby’s going away party. She had been sure Jim was going to propose that night and she couldn’t wait to say yes. That damn Andy had delayed things back then, too.

But it wasn’t Jim. It was Darryl on the other end calling to see if she’d heard from her husband who never showed up at the Athlead headquarters.

He told her how everyone there was in fire drill mode since the meeting for tomorrow afternoon had been pushed to the morning and based on new revelations, they were changing strategy and needed his notes. But almost none of what Darryl said even registered except some version of ‘never showed up’ and ‘not answering his phone’.

Why wasn’t he there yet, she stewed to herself. He’d left hours ago, and even if there had been traffic or he missed the early bus, why wasn’t he answering their calls.

Panic struck her as she imagined the worse, an overturned bus, a hijacking, a deadly crash. Suddenly losing him to the job felt more like hyperbole when faced with losing him for real.

Her breathing became shallow and labored as a life without her husband flashed before her.

Darryl’s words suddenly sounded as if spoken in some foreign tongue and from deep within an underwater cave. Hearing nothing more of the voice on the other end because it was now drowned out by the deafening beats of her heart she hung up on Darryl without a word and dialed Jim’s number.

She wasn’t sure she had even drawn a breath since she’d heard he was missing, that is until the line connected and she heard her husband’s voice.

“Jim. Everyone is looking for you. How come you weren’t answering your phone? Are you alright? Why aren’t you in Philly yet?”

She swore she could hear a tear falling from his eye in the silence as she waited for him to respond.

“I didn’t go.”

“If you didn’t go then where are you?”

“I’m waiting on a sunset.”

~~~

 

She arrived in the park just as the sky began to marbleize into a kaleidoscope of metallic streaks and majestic hues.

Jim was sitting on the bench staring straight ahead. As if sensing her presence, he turned as she came up the path leading to where he sat in silence.

Rising to meet her, he stumbled around the bench, freezing as he reached her, tentative and unsure as she grabbed his hands and stared at his somber face before letting them go to embrace him in a hug so tight, he was unable to react at first.

It took a moment, a moment in which his petrified limbs stayed immobile, dangling at their sides while she clutched hers around him and buried her head into his chest.

In his head, the words of the therapist repeated and the words he’d written in his journal flashed before him, but it was the feel of her hands as they moved around his back, that deployed his arms to wrap around her, grasp her hair and then lift her up off her feet.

They stayed like that for a full minute, holding on to the feeling of love that had been there all along but had gotten buried deep under the mountain of problems they were having. Neither wanted to let go, but they both knew this hug alone would not resolve their issues, they both had things they needed to say.

They broke apart slowly and gazed longingly at each other before they joined hands and walked back around to the bench to catch the rest of the sunset.

Before he sat, Jim reached back into his pocket to once again pull out his phone.

The sound of his voice as he spoke was a weird mix of somberness and elation, “Can we just sit and enjoy this sunset like we used to before I ring them back. Once it sets, I’ll call to let them know the news. I’ll tell them I’m stepping away.”

His hand was gripped around the phone, squeezed so tight the tips of his fingers glowed pink from his firm grasp. Gently she took the phone from his hands and set it aside as she dropped down beside him on the slightly worn bench.

Jim watched as she set it down, his gaze following his phone into her hands, hands that once they had released the phone came back to grasp his own. The feel of his hands encased in hers was just another reassurance of how much he was making the right choice.

“It took me a while but I understand now that I can’t give 100% to Athlead if you are back here picking up my slack and I know that you aren’t ready to move so, well…” he paused, shifting his feet before he continued.

 

“I’m done with it, Athlead. I just can’t lose you. Nothing is more important than you and the kids – nothing else matters but us and I will do everything just to get back to where we were before I messed up.”

The sun was halfway down now, its glow still casting enough light to cover the sky in brilliant hues but the moon was already blooming from behind the silver edged clouds. There was a kind of dichotomy in Pam’s expression that seemed to mirror the sky.

“Jim, no you can’t,” she vocalized. With her words she unclasped her hands from his and reached into the purse now at her side. When she pulled out her hand, she slowly flipped it over to reveal the gold circle that had been attached to the note he left.

“I’m sorry I took so long after I found it. But I’m sorrier, that I needed to find it to realize what a fool I’ve been. I’m sorry I couldn’t see how important this was to you. I let my fears get in the way again even though I knew it was fear that almost made me lose you once before. I forgot too Jim, that you are my treasure, my gold. And I’ll never let go. But I’ll never forgive myself if I make you let this go.”

As the words poured out of her Jim just stared, his lip dropped open as if to speak but when words didn’t form Pam kept on with her speech.

“I’m so sorry it took me so long to remember that your dreams are my dreams. I’m sorry I stopped supporting them and you the way you always did me. I know what you gave up once before for me and I won’t let you do it again.”

Jim’s eyes narrowed not just from the glare that with the sun’s final dip was blinding them both, but from the last thing she said.

“Gave up for you? What are you talking about?”

“The job, in New York. You could have been a VP. Just imagine where you might be now if you had taken it.”

Jim spun in his seat, a sudden rush of emotion taking over his whole body as he reached for her hands again, this time grasping them tightly within his.

“I’d be nowhere, Pam because I wouldn’t have you or Cece or Phillip. You, you’re all I ever wanted, then now, forever.”

“But what happens when you look back at all the things you never did. What happens when you start to resent me for all the missed opportunities. What happens when you decide I’m not enough?”

“Pam, you are my past. My present. My future. Not enough for me. You are everything.”

He reached up to tuck a wayward tendril back behind her ear. His fingers lingered on the curl for a bit before he unfurled his hand to caress her cheek, running the back of it along her face until it reached her chin which he cupped with tenderness.

“Pam, nothing I do matters if I don’t have you when I do it.”

He pulled her in for a kiss. It wasn’t desperate and hopeful like the first one, the one where he laid it all on the line in the dark office. Or quick and forgetful like the real first one they had when she got way too drunk to remember it during Dundies night.

It wasn’t heart-stopping and redemptive like the one, ones rather, that Pam planted on him in the parking lot when he brought her back there the night of their first date.

It wasn’t passionate and fiery like the one that let them into her bedroom when they first made love…, or tear-stained and laced with repentance like the ones following their first real fight…, or impulsive and magical like the one with Jim’s love for Italian food behind it…, or heart-stopping and life changing when they learned that Cece was growing inside her. It wasn’t like any of those kisses or any of the hundreds of other kisses they shared in between. Wrapped up in this kiss was the emotion of every kiss they had ever shared in their lifetime together, intertwined with a mix of every kiss that they had ahead of them.

They broke apart and at the same moment whispered I love you, and in that second, the world seemed to shift, returning to the harmonious existence that had been before, no better, like Eden but with a foresight to know what the apple tasted like without ever breaking its delicate red skin.

“You have me. Forever. I’m not going anywhere,” she paused and stood up. Jim joined her and together they looked out at the golden sky stretched out in front of them.

“Actually, that’s not true.”

Before he could register any alarm at what she said, she turned to face him again.

“I’m going to Philly with you.”

Jim looked at her in disbelief.

“I promise you, you don’t have do this for me.”

“I’m doing it for us.”

“You wanna do this?”

“I wanna do this.”

“You really want to do this?”

“I really want to do this!”

Once again, Jim wrapped his arms around his wife and lifted her up into the air, spinning her around and when he returned her to the ground, the sun too had made its final descent back to the earth dropping below the horizon leaving one last ribbon of gold in the distance.

“I sure will miss these Scranton sunsets,” Jim whispered softly.

“Me too, but I know the sunrises in Philadelphia will be spectacular.”