Pam and Roy were staying at his family's lake house when she found out. It had been raining all day, she listened to the water pelt the windows as she took the test. The pink lines appeared quickly. They were more ominous than she expected them to be, looking back at her like two magenta warning signs. 

It would be a week before she told Roy, knowing deep down what was coming. They had been on thin ice for months, and he was on the verge of calling it off. So when she cornered him in the kitchen that faithful Sunday evening to say “I'm pregnant,” it pushed him over the edge. 

“You're kidding, right?” he asked her.

“I'm not kidding,” she said, shaking her head.

“How...How did this happen?” He put his hand on his forehead, the color in his face fading fast. 

“I think you know,” she said, not noticing his distress. Later, when all was said and done she would regret saying this most. 

“How could YOU let this happen, I don't want this!” he had abandoned his earlier question and his earlier tone, his voice now growing louder and louder by the second.  

“Hey, it's not only my fault! I remember you being there too!” she yelled, her own blood now beginning to boil. 

“I can't be a dad, Pam,” he yelled back at her, “you'll have to get rid of it!”  

“Well, I'm keeping it, so you're going to be dad!” 

“No, I'm not,” his voice suddenly dropped down into a low, ominous tone. She had never heard him use it before and it sent shivers down her spine.

“Yes you are!!”  she was nearing hysterics, tears suddenly falling onto her cheeks. She just didn't understand why he was acting like this. Isn't having a baby supposed to be happy news?

“In what fucking world are we ready to be parents, Pam?” he questioned her. He only ever swears around her when he's super upset, so his use off “Fucking” set of alarm bells in her head. This wasn't going to end well.   

“This world!” she demanded, her voice still raised, the tears stinging in her eyes.

“We're not doing this'' he was looking at her, but she didn't see him staring back at her. He looked like a stranger, a horrible, crazed, stranger. 

“Yes we are!” she insisted. 

“No we aren't!” he took his hand and pinned her up against the wall by her wrist. She looked at him, sobs wrecking her body. She was completely terrified. 

“What the fuck, Roy!” she yelled as she wiggled out of his grasp. “You know what, if you don't want to do this then I'll do it alone.”

“No, you won't,” he said, the crazed look in his eye still there. 

“Yes I will! Get out!” she didn't realize the weight of the words until they left her lips and hit the air. The reality of her decision suddenly sat on her shoulders as she ushered Roy into the bedroom and dug his duffel bag out of the closet. The weight spread to her lungs as she watched him drive away. She sat on the floor in the kitchen, letting the tears fall, letting it all wash over her. She was going to be a single mom. Fuck. 

----------- 

She took a week off after breaking it off with Roy. Her mother stayed with her, making soup and doing her laundry. She held Pam when she was crumbling, and became the glue that held her together during those first few days. It was all just too much to handle on her own. An unexpected seismic shift in her life.   

When she finally returned to work she looked worse for wear. Morning sickness had hit her like a truck and she had been puking her guts out for days. And, as you can imagine, a week's worth of crying and barfing doesn’t typically mean that you're the picture of health. Her skin was pale, her eyes had dark bags beneath them, and her hair was a frizzy mess. 

But Jim, in his sweet, classic fashion, still spent most of her first day back with her. He kept one hand in the jelly bean container, and the other on her computer, never wanting to leave her side. Sure, he missed a few calls, but he would lose a thousand sales if it meant getting to lean over the desk and make her laugh - a fact she wishes she knew at the time. 

It wasn't until lunch that he finally asked the big question.

“So where were you last week? I was worried about you, Beesly.” he asked her as he took a bite of his ham sandwich. 

She looked at him, all too aware that telling him was letting him into the nightmare. Telling him would make it even more real. 

“It's a long story,” she told him, looking down at her hands. 

“I've got time,” he said, a little smile on his face. He didn't get it yet, the gravity of the situation.

She sighed. “Alright, if you really want to know.”

“I do”

“Okay. I was out because I found out that I'm pregnant, and when I told Roy he reacted so badly that I kicked him out.” she looked at him as she finished telling him. He was staring back at her with an utter look of disbelief on his face. That was to be expected, but what wasn't was how he took his hand in hers over the table, his thumb rubbing circles over her palm. 

“Oh my god, Pam. I’m so sorry.” he breathed out 

“It's okay,” she said, her voice shaking. She was trying to will the tears that were welling in her eyes not to fall.

“No, no it's not.” he told her. He took his free hand and used it to wipe away a tear that she had not managed to keep at bay. “Is there anything I can do to help?” 

“Just, don't leave me too. You're my best friend and… I need you” she said. Pam knew deep down that it was a big ask, but it was all she could think to say. It was all she truly needed in that moment.

“Okay,” he told her, and she knew that he meant it.

She hasn't been sleeping well. Long stretches of night spent worrying about the future, and beating herself up for the past. Any amount of sleep felt like a miracle at this point. So it wasn't surprising that she was awake at three am on a Sunday, the time when Roy decided to call her. He was slurring his words when she picked up, incoherent nonsense being spewed into the phone. All she could make out was a garbled, “I'm getting my stuff back, you can't keep it forever.” before she hung up. 

Sure, it was inevitable that he would come back for his belongings, (he had only left with a duffel bag full of hastily packed clothes, his wallet, and his toothbrush, afterall), but why did it have to be so soon? And why did she have to hear about it from a drunken phone call? 

“I guess that's just the way it is,” she sighed to herself.

She decided to get up and start going through his stuff. As she dug through closets, pulling out t-shirts and shoes, she couldn't stop thinking about what it all meant. The little league trophies he had saved, or the photo of her that once sat on his nightstand. It all made up a life that was now gone. She didn't know if he would soon become nothing more than a name on a paper, a story she tells their child. But just the thought of it sent a chill through her whole body. It was never meant to be like this, and that's a hard thing to face. 

----------- 

He came over around two thirty that afternoon. He looked hungover and exhausted, his body a crumbling mess. 

“Hey,” she said as she let him in, trying to ignore his obvious B.O.

“Hey,” he said back while making his way down the hall and into the bedroom. She had boxed up everything she could find and left them by the closet, hoping that it would make the vist as quick and painless as possible. He got on his knees and began to look through the boxes, turning over the photos and shirts in his hands. After a moment he closed the boxes back up and looked at her.

“I think you got everything,” he told her. She nodded, knowing that if she spoke she would break. What he did was inexcusable, but this was still a man she had built a life with. The man whose engagement ring she had worn for the past three years. It was hard to say goodbye, to let go of the person who was once so all consuming for her. 

She stood in the hall, watching him take box after box to the car. When he was done she handed him a glass of water, an action that felt so eerily normal to do. After he finished the water he looked her up and down and asked her the question she had been dreading. 

“Can I have the ring?” 

She used all the courage she had left to nod, and get the ring from her jewelry box. She had nested it between her old locket and a bracelet that had once belonged to her mew maw. A spot where it was hidden from view, where she wouldn't have to confront the past everyday. 

His hand was open when she came back to the kitchen. She placed the ring on his palm, watching the sparkle of the diamond disappear into his fist.

“Thank you.” he said, even if he wasn't able to meet her eye. 

“You're welcome.” she said. 

----------- 

“Are you doing anything today?” she asked Jim, holding the phone up to her ear as she waited for his response. She could hear that he was watching TV,  “Survivor” was on in the background.

“No, why?” he questioned her.

“I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out. Maybe get some food, wander around a bookstore. You know, Sunday stuff.” she said, shrugging even though he couldn't see her.  

“Sure, sounds great,” he told her, “I’ll meet you at the Starbucks where I nearly choked to death on a cake pop in, say, an hour?”

She laughed and agreed before hanging up. 

----------- 

“Damn devil things” Jim said while they waited in line to order at starbucks. “They really should put a safety warning on the cake pops.”

“And what would that warning say?” she asked him, a little smile on her face. She loves it when he gets like this.

“Come on Beesly, you and I both know that it would say, ‘warning:cake pops are not a one-bite food. Eat at your own risk.’ God, Pam. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one with a brain around here.” he told her, a smile matching her’s now on his lips. 

He was good at this, making her feel better. With Jim by her side she barely noticed the fact that she could no longer order a coffee, so she wound up with an overpriced lemonade. Or the fact that the mom at the table by them was desperately trying to wrangle her unruly toddler. With Jim, everything just felt lighter. 

“So, how's your weekend been so far?” he asked while they sipped their drinks.

“Uh...fine,” she said.

“What happened?” he asked, seeing right through her bullshit. 

“Roy came to get his stuff this morning,” she said.

His face changed, the sweet smiling falling away, replaced with a look of sheer concern for her. 

“Are you okay?”

“I will be.” she told him, even if she wasn't sure herself. She just wanted to stop talking about it, for this time with him to be Roy-free, a break from the emotional hell she had been living in.

“Alright,” he said, “but if you ever need to talk about it, I'm all ears.”

“I know,” she told him with a nod, because she did know. He was the steadiest thing in her life right now, and she would not hesitate to lean on him.

----------- 

After finishing their drinks, they wound up wandering through the tightly stocked shelves of the small bookstore across the street. They made fun of dumb titles and remincised about their faviortes. While they were joking about a self help book called “embrace the stallion within”, Pam wound up at a display of books about pregnancy. 

She stopped dead in her tracks, her breath hitching in her throat. It really wasn't that big of a deal, and she knew that. But still, never in her life had she given a second thought to buying a copy of “what to expect when you're expecting”, and now it felt like a necessity. She grabbed a copy of it from the display and leafed through it. Truth be told, she knew nothing about pregnancy and birth. Hell, she can't even remember the last time she held a baby, so she definitely needed to do her research. Yet, it almost felt too soon. She was still wrapping her head around the idea of being pregnant, the fact that life was growing inside of her. 

“You getting that?” Jim asked from behind her.

She turned around, startled. “What? Oh yeah, maybe” she said.

“You know, if you want, I could ask my mom if she still has her old books about parenting and stuff. She had four kids, so she's bound to have something helpful” he told her.

“That would be amazing, actually” the gesture was not lost on her, especially considering the fact that she was currently desperate for any wisdom. 

“Great, I'll call her later,” he said.

After a couple more moments of browsing, Jim left with a copy of “Looking for Alaska”, which he claimed was a gift for his niece, (but Pam still gave him a hard time for it), and she left with “What to Expect When You're Expecting”. She tried to ignore the smile the lady at the checkout counter gave her, she wasn't ready for all the, “how far along are you?” or, “is it a boy or a girl?” fuss yet. 

“The beauty of being barely seven weeks along, no one can tell yet” she thought to herself as Jim held the exit door open for her.

He said goodbye to her after she walked him to his car, a promise of seeing her tomorrow and a brief hug being all she had left of him once he drove away. 

She didn't really feel like driving home just yet, so she decided to wander around some more. She popped into a furniture store, a boutique, and finally, a baby store. She told herself that she should just get acquainted with what type of stuff was on the market, but she wound up getting lost in racks of baby clothes. Looking through tiny dresses and onesies was a sobering experience. It made it feel more real than even purchasing the book. In nine months she would have a baby in her arms, one small enough to wear the tiny garments she now held in her hands. 

Pam took a deep breath and took one of the onesies of the rack. It had the sweetest little print of cherries and lemons all over it, and for a brief moment, she could imagine it on her baby. So she took it up the register, paid for it and brought it home. She thought about putting it in her closet, hiding it away until it was time to put together the baby's nursery, but that felt wrong. So she laid it out on her dresser, a spot where she could see it from her bed. She was going to have a baby, and that onesie was the only thing making it feel okay, like she could do it. The onesie wasn't scary, the onesie she could handle. And if she could handle the thing her baby would wear, maybe she could handle the baby, right?

Pam was late for work. Except this time it wasn't because Roy forgot to put gas in the car or because they had gotten in a fight. This time it was because she had her first ultrasound appointment. It had been equal parts thrilling, exciting and terrifying. It still didn't feel real, and she was starting to think that it wouldn't until the baby was in her arms, a wonderful, screaming, bundle of joy. 

The ultrasound was in her purse, and sure, it wasn't anything more than a blurry photo of what looked to be a blob, but to her, it was everything. 

She officially clocked in at noon, plopping herself down at reception, trying to avoid the prying eyes of her coworkers. She was incredibly grateful that Michael was in New York for the day, (some meeting with Jan, she had zoned out half way through his long winded explanation). 

Jim was at her desk about fifteen minutes after she showed up. She was deeply grateful that he was kind enough not to ask where she had been, and instead eat a handful of jelly beans and criticize her Freecell skills. He was so good at this, just being her friend, acting like everything was normal. Sometimes she thought that if he acted like everything was normal for long enough, she would begin to believe it.  

They had plans for pizza and house hunters at her apartment that night, and she was over the moon about it. Her apartment had been too quiet since Roy left, and the knowledge that the silence would soon be filled with a baby crying was somehow even more upsetting, so having him over was a good quick fix. 

----------- 

He drove over around six, only going home long enough to change out of his work clothes. She couldn't help but smile when she saw him in basketball shorts and a soft blue t-shirt on her doorstep. He was holding a bottle of sparkling cider in one hand, and a bag of chips in the other. 

“You came prepared,” she told him as she let him in. He just smiled at her. 

She watched him pop the apple cider like champagne, (he got it all over the counter and himself in the process), and ordered the pizza. It was all so easy. It felt like a breath of fresh air.

They cuddled up on the couch together, balancing plates of greasy cheese pizza in their laps while watching well-off couples pick a house. 

“If I were them, I would prioritize a second bathroom over a larger backyard, I mean, they are really only going to be outside in the warmer months, while a bathroom is a year round thing.” He said, his eyes fixed on the TV. 

“Yah, but they have five kids, so they need somewhere to let them get their energy out.” she told him, joining in on his joking argument. 

“All the more reasons to have a second bathroom, when those kids become teenagers it's going to be a nightmare”

“Fair point, but I would still want a bigger backyard.” 

“And you’re allowed to have that opinion, even if it's wrong.”

“Hey!” she exclaimed, playfully hitting him with her pizza-free hand. 

“Now that was uncalled for, Beesly,” he said with a laugh. 

“Listen, all's fair in love and house hunters.”

“Whatever you say, Pam. Whatever you say.”

----------- 

After ten episodes of “House Hunters”, her eyelids started to grow heavy, and suddenly everything went black. 

She woke up a few hours later, the realization that she was laying on top of him, her head on his chest, her legs intertwined in his, was almost more jarring than waking up at two am. “How did this happen?” she thought as she wiggled free. Once she was fully out of embrace, he began to stir. 

“We fell asleep,” she muttered, rubbing her eyes as he sat up. 

“Oh.” he said, “what time is it?” 

She glanced at the clock, which now read two am.

“Two” she told him, putting her head in her hands. Memories of the last time something like this happened were hitting her hard. Roy and her cuddled up on his parents couch in highschool, a little tipsy off of stolen beers. It had been early on in their relationship, when it still felt special and full of possibility, before she dropped out of college and he proposed, before it all came crashing down. God, she would give anything to be that girl again, to live in that joy, the glow of new love, once again. If only she could speak to the girl she was before he left, before she was forced to face single motherhood head on, maybe she would have the solutions to her problems, maybe SHE would know what to do.   

“Hey, are you okay?” he asked her, placing his hand on her back. She had started crying, her body racked with sobs. 

“Pam, look at me.” 

She sat up a bit and looked at him. A million different shades of worry were painted on his face.

“Are you okay?” he asked her again.

She crawled closer to him on the couch, and buried her head in his chest. She let herself get lost in his scent, in the feeling of his arms around her. He was the only person she could truly rely on anymore, the best comfort she had ever known.

He rested his chin on her head, planting a kiss on her crown. She was still sobbing, her tears creating a wet spot on the front of his shirt.

“I'm not okay,” she whispered into his shirt.

“I know.” he said, and he just left it at that. It was all she needed in that moment, the acknowledgment that he was there, and that he understood. 

----------- 

Somewhere between three am and five am he tucked her into her bed, before he fell asleep on the couch. When her alarm went off at eight, he was still sprawled out on her couch, a blanket thrown half haphazardly over himself. 

“Jim,” she said, shaking him awake. “Why didn't you go home last night?” 

He looked at her, blinking the sleep out of his eyes.

“I didn't trust myself to drive, all that sparkling cider.” he told her, a sleepy smile on his face. 

“Well, we have to be at work in an hour, so you might want to get up.”

“Oh, well then I should probably get home.” he was still laying on the couch as he told her this, a sight that brought a smile to her lips.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Or, hear me out, we could call in sick and watch ‘the Fast and the Furious’ for the hundredth time while eating day-old pizza.” 

“As enticing as that sounds, I kind of need to save up my vacation days because, you know.” 

“Oh right, well nevermind then.” he stood up, and began looking for his shoes. 

“Raincheck?” she asked him, feeling a bit upset that she seemed to take the wind out his sails. 

“Of course,” he said.  

She walked him to his car, the early morning sun hitting their skin acting as a layer of protection from whatever awkwardness was lingering in the air. His shirt was still a little wet from last night, a reminder of the casual intimacy they had shared. She had bore her soul to him, let him see her raw, threw him into the deep end, and he was still cracking jokes when she woke him up. He was just being Jim, and it was perfect.

“I'll see you in a few hours, Beesly” he told her as he shut his car door. She just waved at him as he drove away.

The park had become her sacred space. She would spread out a blanket on the grass and would try to read a book, even if most of the time she would get distracted and wind up watching the ducks in the pond or the guy playing guitar. It was comforting to see the world go by without her. It made her mess of life feel less important. 

The only downside to the park is when a family walks by, and she is forced to confront a life that was supposed to be hers, but was shoved out the door when Roy left. 

God, Roy. he hadn't called in weeks, radio silence ever since he got his stuff back. She had thought about calling him a few times, showing him the ultrasound photos or inviting him to a doctor’s appointment, but she just couldn't. He had shattered her heart beyond repair, and the idea of letting him back in before she had even gathered up all the pieces, made her sick. 

So she swallowed her disappointment and her fear, and moved on. As she entered her second trimester she was trying to let go of him. Move on and make a new life for herself and the little baby that she was carrying inside of her. 

-----------

She had been late three times this week, the suspicion that something was wrong with her growing in her coworkers. It all came to a head when Phyllis heard her calling her OB-GYN in the bathroom at work. She had sworn she was alone, but sure enough, nosy Mrs Vance came in to reapply her lipstick just as Pam said “Yes, wednesday works for my next ultrasound.”

“You're pregnant!” the older woman exclaimed as Pam exited the stall, her phone still in hand. 

Her instinct was to say no, to tell her to mind her own business, but she knew that it was no use. They were going to find out soon enough anyway, she couldn't hide her ever growing belly for that much longer. So far she's been relying almost too much on baggy cardigans and loose fitting blouses to hide her little baby bump. It's a good method, but the furthest thing from sustainable. 

“Yes,” she said, “but please, can this just stay between us. Not everyone knows yet.” She knows that if she plays her cards right, she can get at least a few more days before the entire office knows. A few more days of bliss. 

“Oh, of course, honey,” Phylis said as Pam began to exit the bathroom. Just as she swung the door open Phylis said “congratulations,” loud enough so that Dwight, who was in the kitchen, could hear. So much for a few more days of bliss.

“Congratulations on what, Pam?” Dwight asked her. She didn't answer, hoping that maybe, deep down, Dwight had enough human decency to leave her alone.  

But that's not what happened. Instead he followed her out the door of the kitchen and into the bullpen, essentially cornering her. Where was she supposed to go? It's not like she could just run into the parking lot, even if it did sound very appealing at the moment.  

“What was Phylis congratulating you for?” he questioned her again. She just looked at him, still silent.

“Did Micheal offer you a promotion? Because if you think that you can…”

“I'm pregnant, Dwight. That's why Phylis was congratulating me” she interrupted him, deciding that it was easier to just get it out there. Have this unpleasant step be over with already.

Everyone in the bullpen turned and stared at her, hell, Micheal even came out of his office to see what was up. She looked at Jim, trying to steady herself as she prepared for the onslaught of questions and judgment. 

“You're okay.” he mouthed to her, sensing her anxiety. She locked eyes with him and nodded, trying to soak up his ever-calm disposition.

“Who's that father?” Meredith called from the back of the room, half paying attention to her, half playing gin-rummy on her computer.  

“Roy,” she told her.

“But I thought you two broke up?” Michael asked as he walked over to her, a genuine look of concern on his face. 

“Yes, Micheal, we broke up. But I'm still having the baby, without him.” she said, trying to keep her voice from shaking. 

“Oh, Pam.” Phylis piped up from her desk.

“You know, your baby will still be a bastard,” Angela said. It will never fail to amaze her how awful her co-workers can be sometimes. How they don't realize that their concern, bible-thumping, and pity just makes her feel worse. She’s already drowning, she doesn't need them going under with her. Thank god for Jim, who turned around in his seat and told the bullpen that it was “none of their business,” and to “go back to work.” what would she do without him.

-----------

She survived the rest of the day, telling herself that the stare’s and polite smiles didn't matter, all that mattered was the baby, and the fact that this was a good thing. And they can all go to hell for trying to make her feel bad about it, besides, she worries about it more than all of them combined. 

Jim made a few trips over to her desk to apologize for their actions, and to invite her to hang out after work. It was the first time in a long time that she had to say no. She had dinner with her family that night, her mom was insisting that she tell her Mew-Maw about the baby. 

“Is she the ultra-consertvative one?” he asked her, popping a jellybean into his mouth.

“Yup,” she said.

“Yikes, that's rough.”

“You're telling me.”

“Hey, you'll be okay. Besides, all that matters is that you're happy about the baby, not what anyone else thinks.”

“You're right, but it's still terrifying.”

“Oh, definitely. I would run for the border if I were you, Beesly,” 

She laughed at his dumb joke, extremly greatful that he understood that it was just what she needed in that moment. 

She thought about Jim and his corny jokes as she got ready for the dinner. Very few of her dresses did anything to hide her bump anymore, and she didn't have to go get one. So in the end she wound up in a sun-dress, hoping that the heatwave they were currently in would excuse it. Mew-Maw was not a fan of casual dress for family dinner, so she was going in at a disadvantage. 

The drive to her parents house was nerve wracking. Her fingers drummed on the steering wheel, and she tried to pay attention to the radio, and not the fact that depending on how this dinner went, her grandma could disown her. 

“You know, normal family dinner stuff,” she thought to herself as she pulled up. “Definitely not the stuff that nightmares are made up of.”

Her mother answered the door, one of those pity smiles on her face. She has seen at least ten of them today, and frankly, she was sick of it.

Her mom wrapped her arms around her tight. “I'm so happy you're here” she said into her ear. 

Pam wished that she could return the sentiment.  

Her mother led her into the living room, where her family was mingling. Penny had brought her boyfriend, Logan, who was currently busy giving piggyback rides to her cousin's son. It was a sweet sight, one that Penny was certainly enjoying. Her and Logan had started dating a couple years after her and Roy, and considering how things were going for them, she wouldn't be surprised if they were engaged by the fall. 

Her dad was chatting with her aunt on the couch, probably about something he saw on TV. Mr Beesly never seemed to shut up about his “programs”. Mew-maw was sitting on the arm chair in the corner, telling her mother to refill her drink. 

“Hi Mew-Maw,” Pam said as she approached the older woman, “how are you doing?” 

“Well enough.” she said in return, “and you? I hear that you and that boy of yours split up.”

“Yes, Mew-Maw, Roy and I broke up.” she told her, already beginning to regret coming.

“I always liked him, shame it had to end,” she said. Pam sighed, this was going to be a long night.  

-----------

Dinner went well enough, that was until her mom began to ask everyone if they wanted more wine, and Pam said no. He was prepared to say that she had a headache, but her mom had other plans. 

“Why don't you tell everyone why you're not drinking sweetheart?” her mom asked her. Pam couldn't believe that this was seriously how her family would find out. Her mother, pushy and loving all at the same time. You gotta love moms, right?

“God, this can't be happening.” she thought to herself before saying,

“I'm not drinking because I'm pregnant.”

The table erupted into congratulations, and calls for cheers, but one voice was noticeably absent from the celebration. Mew-Maw sat at the table, unmoving, silent. Even if she wanted to believe that she could change her, Pam knew deep down that this was the end of her relationship with her grandmother as she knew it.

-----------

She started to cry as soon as her car door shut. It was days like today, when the weight of other people's opinions gows so heavy, that she let herself break. It was a balancing act, her life right now, and sometimes she has to let it all come crashing down. Because without breaking, how will she learn how to pick up the pieces, and move forward.  

“It's a girl!” the ultrasound tech exclaimed as she ran the doppler over Pam's stomach. “Congratulations.” 

“Thank you,” she muttered as she watched the screen, mesmerized as always by the sight of her baby girl. Baby girl, wow, she was having a girl. It made it feel all the more real, the image of her daughter, only five short months away from making her entrance into the world.  

-----------

He had been trying to get a hold of her. Every morning this week she had been woken to voicemail after voicemail of him demanding to see her. She was considering responding, crawling back to him long enough to let him say his peace, to see if she should let him back into her life. Giving him a second chance to be a dad. She ran the idea by both her mom and Jim, the only two people she could seem to trust anymore. 

Her mom thought that she should give Roy a second chance. Telling her that it's “Important that you at least try to be a family,” and, “You should at least see if he's willing to make it work.”

Jim on the other hand told her that he isn't worth her time. That she is “doing so well,’ and, “He doesn't deserve a second chance after what he did to you.” 

In the end she called him late one night, telling him to meet her for lunch the next day. In her heart she knew it was a mistake, but all she could think about was having a family, of not doing it alone, and that thought alone blinded her against the error of her ways. She tried to reassure herself that she had nothing to lose, even if that was the furthest thing from the truth.  

Jim had made her promise that if she did see Roy, that she would call him afterwards. Let her know that she was okay. At the time she thought that he was being dramatic, maybe even a little over-protective. But hindsight is always twenty-twenty, right?

-----------

He was already seated when she got to the little diner where they had agreed to meet. It was the sight of their first date, the red vinyl booths packed with memories of a frizzy haired girl who was absolutely smitten with her hunky football-player boyfriend. Oh how times have changed, those days of new love and possibility now long behind them. 

“Hey,” she said as she sat down across from him. He looked like hell, dark purple bags under his eyes, hair grown out, and a hunched over frame greeting her. A far cry from his glory days that made her fall for him.

“Hi,” the exhaustion that was evident on his face was even clearer in his voice, its raspy tone taking her by surprise. 

“I just wanted to say-'' she started, before he interrupted her.

“I want to get back together.” he told her. 

“What?!” She looked at him, in utter shock at how forward he was being. It was so unlike him. 

“I know that I was on the fence about the baby before but...”

“On the fence! You pinned me to a wall and demanded that I, quote, ‘Get rid of it’”

“Well now you're just making shit up!” he was growing more and more angry with her. The volume of his voice rising more and more with each word. 

“I am not!” 

“Yes you are, why would I ever do that? Come on Pam, you know me,”

“I don't think I do, Roy. Because the Roy I know would own up to what he's done!” 

“God, Pam. you know you sound crazy, right?”

“And to think I was going to give you a second chance!” she was yelling now as she stood up, flustered, her hand falling to her stomach. As she felt her daughter kick her she knew that she had to leave. That she has to let her dream of a perfect family unit die, because going at it alone is what's best for both of them.  

“Goodbye Roy” she told him before half walking half sprinting out of the restaurant. She told herself not to look back, that he was her past, and not her future. 

She waited till she got home to fully break. As soon as the door shut behind her, she crumbled. Falling to the ground, her purse coming with her. It was a sad sight, a pregnant woman, laying on the ground, sobbing over a man, a dream that she had clung to for years falling away. Crying over the fact that sometimes, things just don't work out the way you want them to. 

She just doesn't know how to do this. How to cope with the impending arrival of her daughter, and the failure of a relationship she had been in since she was sixteen. The weight of it all was crushing her, she was coming apart at the seams. So she just let herself wallow in it, tears pouring down her face, the sobs wracking her body. In that moment, she just let it hurt. 

-----------

A few hours later, after the sun had set and her tears had dried, she called Jim. her voice shook as she said the words she knew that he was waiting for. 

“Can you come over?” she asked.

“I'm on my way,” he told her “see you soon.” 

He was at her door not fifteen minutes later, ready and waiting to make whatever problem she was having go away.

“I saw Roy,” she told him as he took off his shoes. “And it went, um..” she couldn't finish, already too choked up to get words out. 

“Hey, hey..” he breathed out, crossing the room and pulling her close to him. She buried her head in his chest, the tears already beginning to fall onto his shirt.

“I found out it's a girl,” she whispered, “but he wouldn't even let me get far enough to tell him that.”

“I'm so sorry,” he was rubbing little circles on her back, trying to bring her back down. She was a mess of emotions, an open wound trying desperately to heal. 

“I just, I don't know how to do this.” it was the first time she had confined that in anyone. Let him see her greatest fear, opening herself up to more hurt with every word.

“But you do know, because you're already doing it.” he told her, losing his embrace so he could look her in the eye. 

“Pam, you're amazing.” the way he said it made her heart skip a beat. He was so sure of himself, so confident in his belief in her. If only she could feel the same. 

He spent the night, insisting that he really didn't have anything better to do with his Saturday night. He just couldn't stand to leave her alone when she was like this.

She wound up sleeping in on Sunday, waking up to a note from him on the dining room table that read.

“Had plans with my brother, I'll make you breakfast next time, Love, Jim.” with a little heart next to his name. 

Her best friend, so endlessly caring that he asked her for a raincheck on making her pancakes and eggs. What would she do without him?    

“Good morning Scranton!” The radio DJ greeted Jim as he started the car, going through his morning spiel, urging Scranton to “face the day.”

But Jim was barely aware of it. All he could think about was how he wished that he hadn’t left her, that he was in her kitchen, making her the tower of blueberry pancakes that she deserves. 

But instead, he had breakfast plans with Katy, so he lied and wrote a note about his brother. Getting out of her apartment as hastily as he could. Taking with him only the guilt of lying to her, of letting her down.

The trip to his apartment was short, but was plagued with thoughts of her. His mind was like a broken record, her song repeating over and over. 

He could picture her in his passenger seat, head thrown back in laughter, feet on the dash. She’s so alive in this fantasy. Every part herself, the Pam he knows, that he loves, the light that has gone dim as vibrant as ever. 

Eventually he got to his apartment, practically sprinting out of his car to get to his door. He needs to be at Katy’s to pick her up in thirty minutes, a fact that is sending him into a slight panic. 

Jim showered, brushed his teeth, and got dressed in rapid fashion, laser focused on not being late. He was already on thin ice with Katy as it is, being late to one more date would be the nail in the coffin. 

He looked himself up and down in the mirror before he left, double checking that he looked semi-presentable, making sure that he had done enough for Katy not to be upset with him.

-----------

Katy came to the door after a few knocks, wearing a short floral dress and sandals. Her hair was down, red curls falling around her shoulders. The picture of summer beauty, standing right in front of him. 

“Hey,” she said with a smile, taking his hand as they walked to the car. “Long time no see.”

“Yeah,” he said, scrubbing the hair on the back of his neck with his free hand. She has that effect on him, the ability to make him feel so unsteady, so unsure of himself. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay, I’m just glad this worked out.” She was looking at him with those big doe eyes, her demeanor changing from upset to sweet. She was turning on the charm. “Let’s get going.”

-----------

He took her to a little cafe, one that Pam had taken him to a few months before. It had been after she told him about the baby, the conversation they had that day was so raw, so real, that when she spoke it was as if her worlds were made of her own flesh and blood. And now Katy was sitting across from him, in the same place where Pam had bore her soul to him, sipping her latte. She was telling him about a fight she had with one the girls she works with, and how she was close to quitting over it.

“I just don’t get her! Like- who acts like that!” She exclaimed, shaking her head.

“I don’t know, but it sucks that you have to deal with it.” He told her, taking a sip of his own coffee.

“Thank you!” 

They chatted for a little while longer, splitting a muffin as they did so. She had an endless barrage of drama to tell him about, (he can’t seem to understand how one person can surround themselves with so many awful people), and he was a good listener. 

He drove her home around noon, giving her a quick kiss goodbye at the door. He never liked to linger with Katy, afraid that if he stayed too long she would suck him dry. 

He couldn’t quite bring himself to go home after leaving Katy’s place, couldn’t bring himself to sit alone in his room, his mind wandering off to thoughts of Pam, and all the promises broken. The vows never made and the words that are always on the tip of his tongue. So he drove in the opposite direction, with no plan except to escape. 

-----------

He was driving circles around the city, the radio turned up, a desperate attempt to drown out her. 

He was at a stop light, letting himself get lost in the “Holland,1954” by Neutral Milk Hotel. Years ago, when they had first met, she had told him about how much she loved the song. Telling him how she had once sang along to it in her first car, painting a picture of a girl who was so free, so hopeful. He remembers how his heart broke for her, shattering for the first of many times. He wished back then for her to wake up, to leave Roy, to find that girl again. He still wishes that for her. But now it’s tinged with something else, a desire for her to love him. 

He can’t seem to stop the feeling, the wave of love for her washing him out to shore over and over, no matter how many times he tries to resist the tide.

His phone rang in the seat next to him, bringing him back to earth. He turned down the radio and answered it. 

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi,” it was Pam, her voice sweet and bubbly on the other end. “I know that you're probably busy, but if you're not, do you want to get lunch?”

“Sure, where do you want to go?” He asked, smiling despite himself. 

“I don’t know, how about Chili’s?”

“Sounds great, I’ll pick you up in an hour.”

“Perfect, I’ll see you then.” She told him.

He had something else to say to her, but she wasn’t there anymore, just a dial tone ringing in his ears.

He put his phone down, and rested his head in his hands, muttering to himself, god, and everyone on the interstate. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” The words that he has kept at bay for years, spilling out.

-----------

She was standing on the same threshold he had crossed just a few hours earlier, a smile on her face, and one hand on her ever-growing belly. 

“Hey, stranger.” She said as walked up. “I feel like I haven’t seen you forever.”

“Oh really?” he laughed as he said it, melting in her presence. “Because I think, but I could be wrong, Pam, that I spent the night on your couch last night.”

“No, you have it wrong,” she told him, shaking her head, her voice playfully and light, “That was a different pregnant woman named Pam's couch.”

“Oooh, I see.” He fake sighed, acting like he had just solved a great mystery. 

She leaned her head against the door frame, her smile becoming a grin. 

It’s in moments like these, that he realizes that he can never tell her, that this is too perfect to mess up. She is his sun, moon and stars, the only light he had ever cared about, and he can’t stand the idea of it going dark.

She's found herself in new places recently, wandering to the outskirts of her mind, letting herself dream of a new life, one with her daughter, one without a man. One where she is okay not for anyone else, but herself. Things were starting to look up, and when she wakes up now, her hand falling to the swell of her bettly, she's hopeful. The storm will end, and she will get her rainbow. 

-----------

She's twenty weeks along, halfway through. She's still getting used to her ever growing bump, which was now unmistakable. Jim was the only one at work who still treated her like a person, and not some poor sob story. Phyllis and Angela were the worst offenders. Phyllis took pity on her and was constantly asking, “how she was doing?” with a sympathetic tilt of her head. Angela kept reminding her that what she was doing was wrong and telling her to “try and make it work with Roy.” Everyone else just acted as though she was made of glass, ready to shatter at any moment. Thank god for Jim. 

“Hey,” Jim said as he came into the break room, making his way over to the vending machine. “What are you doing tonight?”

She looked at him, smiling, “Nothing, why?” she asked.

“Well, I was thinking that maybe you could come over, and I could make you that meal I owe you.” he said, turning the grape soda he just bought over in his hand. 

“That sounds great.” she told him, catching his eye. He was smiling now too, just for her. 

“Great, I'll see you at seven.” And with that he walked out, leaving her in a cloud of a new emotion, one that made her stomach turn. This had been happening more and more lately, the knowledge that something new was blossoming in her chest, their relationship changing in subtle ways. If only she could name it, pin it down and try to understand it. Know how to fix it, before it gets out of control.  

The rest of the day went by as she expected, answering calls, entertaining Michael and reminding herself that it was almost over, and soon enough she would be in Jim's living room, spending time with her favorite person.  He tapped her desk before he left, reminding her to be on time with a wink and a smile.

She drove home, changing into a pair of jeans and a tight fitting long sleeve. She curled her hair, more for fun than for anything, and put on a little makeup. The last time she got ready for dinner like his, well, it was for Roy. A chill was sent up her spine at just the thought of him, his cruelty still a fresh wound in her life, no matter how much she would like to forget that it ever happened.

-----------

On the way over she turned up the radio and rolled down the window, soaking in the early fall air. She was a force of nature, free and untethered. Jim makes her feel like this sometimes, the way he lifts her up, declaring that she is the best person he has ever known, that she will survive this. It's liberating to feel like that on her own though, her reliance on him not as strong as before, but still steady. 

“Hey!” he said when he opened the door, pulling her into an easy hug, “I've been waiting for you.” 

“Oh really?” she questioned, toeing off her sneakers. She stepped into his apartment, embraced by the familiar sight of his second hand furniture and TJ Maxx art. She could smell the pancakes and waffles from the hall, but was still shocked by the amount of food he had managed to make. Two huge plates of bacon, eggs, waffles and pancakes sat at his tiny table, a pitcher of orange juice placed between them. He had even used his nice napkins and silverware, pulling out all the stops for a weeknight breakfast-for-dinner with her. 

“Wow,” she breathed out, “you did all this?” 

“Yeah,” he said, scrubbing the back of his neck self consciously, he was nervous, and she could quite understand why, “but I can't take all the credit, Eggo did a lot of the heavy lifting.”

She laughed and he pulled out her chair for her, only taking his own seat after he was sure she was comfortable. 

Unsurprisingly, the food was amazing. Say what you want about Jim Halpert, but the man can cook. 

“I don't know how you expect me to eat all of this,” she told him, gesturing at her massive, yet delicious portions of food. 

“Oh, I don't. This was really more of an opportunity for me to use up the last of my groceries.” he said it with such charm, such confidence, that she didn’t question it. Years later, of course, she would find out that he had spent the hours between work and her arrival at the grocery store, agonizing over what type of pancake mix to get, before rushing home to cook her the meal of a lifetime. 

They ate for a moment before she spoke, revealing in the easy silence, the comfort of one another enough to keep them afloat. 

“My moms already talking about planning a baby shower.” she told him, looking down at her food as she said it. He was so cool about all the baby stuff, but it still felt strange to talk about sometimes. The change is so unending that it threatens to swallow them whole, months away from her life being forever shared by another person.  

“Really?” he asked, his eyebrows raised in confusion, “isn't it a little early for that?”

“Way too early, but now that we know it's a girl and she can't stop talking about it.”

“It is her first grandbaby..”

“Yeah, but god, I am not looking forward to the constant stream of pink that will be coming my way in a few months.” 

“Well, I'll make sure to avoid pink when I get you your baby shower gift, and yes, I am expecting an invite,” he told her, his fake serious tone in full effect.

“My mom will love that.” she said dryly, causing him to laugh so hard he almost choked on his eggs. 

They finished up their meals, and he cleared the table. She leaned up against his kitchen island as he rinsed the syrup covered plates, insisting that she didn't need to help. He was looking at her with deep adoration, like she was the most remarkable thing he had ever seen. She had seen a look similar to his on her mothers face shortly after she became pregnant, and chose not to think much of it. Reading into his little looks, the way they move through life together was a dangerous game, and she can't afford to get hurt. 

Once the dishes were done they made their way into the living room and he put on some music, insisting that her and her dorky dance moves join him. As they moved together, inching ever closer, she felt it. The movement in her abdomen, her daughter making her presence known. She paused, taking in a sharp breath.

”What's wrong?” Jim asked, his brow furrowed in concern. She didn't speak, just stepped closer to him, taking his hand and placing it on her belly. He stood there in shock, feeling the baby's kicks fluttering against his hand. His mouth moved as if he was trying to form words, but nothing came out. It didn't matter though, the look of amazement on his face was enough. He pulled her closer, his hand never leaving her stomach.  

The music faded into the background, leaving just her and him, dancing so close she could hear his heartbeat, observe the rise and fall of his chest, count his eyelashes. They were in their own cocoon, shielded from the pain of the world. The only thing that mattered was each other, and this perfect moment. He was the air in her lungs, the blood in her veins,her lifeline, her everything. It didn't matter that things could change on a dime, or how delicate life had become. Because he had his hands on her waist, and the baby was kicking. The three of them were together, and they were going to be okay.

Hey everyone, long time no talk. I just wanted to come back and tell you all that this story has been officially abandoned, and will not continue. I want to thank you all for your support of this story, especially considering the concept. Writing for Jam and the office fandom was an amazing experience thanks to all of you and your support. And even if I wasn’t able to finish this story I would also would like to give some insight to how it would have ended, as I do still have the outline. Below I have listed the main few remaining story beats, as well as a few more details I thought you might want to know.

Jim and Pam would have wound up together, but only after a fight.

They would have had sole custody of Pam’s daughter.

The title comes from what would have been the final chapter, as in the hospital, Jim was going to bring her a bouquet of babys breath. 

Their would have been in epilouge, in which it would have been revealed that Jim and Pam’s life would have progressed as in the show- with them going on to get married and having Cece and Phillip.

The babys name would have been Clara Eliza Beesly.

I am still actively writing fanfic, which is available at @debutante_gurl on ao3. You can also find me as @tvgremlin on Tumblr, Tik Tok, and Youtube.

Thank you for everything, and goodbye. 

– Angel