It's been nearly 3 weeks since she last saw him and her world came tumbling down, never to be put back together again. At least that's what it felt like if you asked Pam Beesly.

She was supposed to get married in a little less than 2 weeks. Instead she is sitting on a cold tile floor contemplating every aspect of her life. Her best friend had told her he loved her. Her best friend, who wasn’t her fiancé, how is that right? He told her he loved her then ran for the hills, leaving her questioning everything she ever thought she wanted.

She was supposed to be marrying Roy on June 10th, but she broke it off. Now she is reconsidering. Roy, really is a great guy, despite what people think. He was once everything she had always wanted. The big shot football star who made all the heads turn as he walked through the school halls, and with his choice of any girl, he wanted her on his arm. Her to wear his letterman while all the other girls looked on in jealousy. Through their years together he’s been nothing but loyal. As everyone had always said, they were high school sweethearts. But people change, they grow, it doesn’t mean that they are bad people, just bad together. When their lives are no longer in sync. When they have more fun apart, with other people, than with each other. When they no longer understand what makes the other tick. Does she settle for that in exchange for his loyalty? It would sure make things a whole lot easier.

He got her. Jim was her best friend, the one person in the whole world she could count on, could go to for anything, no judgement, no belittling, just pure unconditional friendship and in the end, it turns out, love. So she thought. She isn’t so sure anymore whether he was as dependable as she thought. He didn’t get the answer from her that he wanted so he upped and left. Moved two states away and won’t return her messages. 

A lot has happened over the last nearly three weeks. Long story short, Jim, her supposed “best friend” told her he loved her. Was in love with her. She told him, in not so many words - more like a nod of a head - that she was still marrying Roy. Funny how things work out.

Thinking back to That Night, as her brain had named it, capitalised, underlined, italics, the works. It had started off well. The employees of Dunder Mifflin had enjoyed themselves at a Casino Charity Event in the warehouse, she had enjoyed spending quality out-of-work time with Jim while Roy was… somewhere. She never really knew but was pretty confident in assuming it usually involved beers and on this occasion was with Darryl and the others somewhere in another part of the warehouse. She was having too much of a good time to care enough to find out.

From the corner of her eye she saw him heading over to where she was sitting talking to Oscar, nursing her steadily warming glass of wine. He had come over asking to go, annoyed as always by spending too much time in the presence of Michael. She wasn't ready to go home, and was tired of always having to leave when she was in the middle of having fun just because Roy wanted to. So she told him that she was sure someone would be fine taking her home a little later but she would walk him to the truck to say goodbye. The night air outside was pleasantly warm which added to her good mood. She hadn't felt this content in a long time.

"Hey, Halpert. Keep an eye on her, all right?" Roy called through the passenger side of the truck. She hadn’t seen Jim approach but seeing him there in the artificial glow of the street lamp made her stomach flip in an unexplainable way. She questioned Roy’s need to ask that of Jim, he knew that he didn't need to, Jim was a good guy and was always looking out for her, as friends do. It’s just who he was. They both waved goodbye to Roy and headed towards one another, she was looking forward to spending the rest of the evening in his great company.

"Hey, how’s it going?" Jim asked casually.

"Good, especially after I took all your money," she challenged, which prompted a beautiful beaming smile from him.

"Yeah," he chuckled, "...Hey, can I talk to you about something?" He sounded unsure and his face suddenly dropped which made her stomach churn and shoulders tense. 

"About when you want to give me more of your money?" she tried again to get the smile back on to his face and the conversation back to safer ground. A slight smile appeared, but left just as quickly, almost to humour her.

He let out a rush of air before starting "No, It was just...um -"

"Did you wanna do that now? We can go inside. I’m feeling kind of good tonight," she interrupted, trying everything in her power to steer the conversation to something, anything closer to the comfortable, playful banter she was used to. He was starting to make her feel uneasy, looking at her in a way that said he had a burden he needed to relieve. She hoped that by keeping her light, playful tone he would be able to read her, as he always did, and back down.

"I was just… I’m in love with you."

"What?" She was pretty sure that something in her brain had short circuited. Everything around her became muffled. Her vision tunnelled and all she could see was him. She wondered briefly whether this was how it felt to have a stroke. She thought of all the times she thought there was something between them only to talk herself out of it. He couldn't possibly be attracted to mousy plain Pam. Except this sounded like he was. 

"I’m really sorry if that’s weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just…"

"What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?" He was talking too much and her brain wasn’t processing the conversation fast enough. What did he expect her to say to that? What did she expect herself to say to that? Her wedding date was 4 weeks away.

"I just needed you to know. Once." 

Once. It was another stark reminder of her impending marriage. Enough of a jolt that she blurted "I can’t." It’s not that she didn’t want or even need. She had made a promise and she couldn’t be the kind of girl who broke it. She couldn’t be the kind of girl who would be with someone for 9 years to then turn around and throw it all away. What had those years been working towards if it wasn’t marriage, a house with a terrace and a room to paint, babies, everything 12 year old Pam had ever dreamt of. Jim knew her better than to think her answer could be anything but the one she gave.

"Yeah." The way he said that one word hit her like a punch to the gut. He looked so heart broken, his eyes beginning to glisten. Her brain still hadn’t caught up but as she felt the pain in her chest and burning in her eyes, she couldn’t help but think that her heart was breaking too. She had never had a man cry over her before and was sure she wasn’t worth his tears. Pam Beesly was not a heartbreaker. She thought of Katy and wondered whether Jim cried over her. Maybe this show of emotion was normal for him and she shouldn’t feel so guilty... or maybe she should stop kidding herself and acknowledge the intensity of what they shared.

"You have no idea…" She wanted to tell him how difficult it was to say no to him. How hard she had to fight the second half of herself for the control to be able to get the next few words out. She wanted to tell him she loves him too but she wasn't the kind of woman who just walks away from a 9 year relationship and a promise of forever as evidenced by the ring on her finger.

"Don’t do that."

"...what your friendship means to me." She felt like she had just wounded herself. This was so much more than friendship and they both know it. Though there was only one of them strong enough to admit it and it wasn't her. 

"Come on. I don’t want to do that. I want to be more than that." 

"I can’t." Hearing it for the second time coming out of her own mouth sounds just as foreign as the first. Of course she wants to be more than that. She can't help but think how different her life would be if she had met him back in High School. Would she be with him now instead? Already married with children on the way? 

The masochist in her just couldn't help herself "I’m really sorry if you misinterpreted things." 

The tear that threatened to fall from his bright hazel eyes finally took its path down his cheek. She wasn’t sure it could have been any harder and wished momentarily that the man in front of her wasn't Jim, it would have been so much easier to say those things to someone like Creed. "It’s probably my fault."

"Not your fault.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry I misinterpreted our friendship. " 

But it was her fault. She had lied through her back teeth to save herself from having to detangle a long term relationship. To save herself from having to explain to her friends and family that she hadn’t been entirely faithful, emotionally at least. To save herself from the embarrassment of finally admitting what many friends, present company included, had always insinuated. Roy wasn't right for her. She wanted Jim more than she could even admit to herself and she did admit it, late at night in the confines of her darkened room while Roy was at some dark and dingy bar or snoring wildly beside her. 

Jim turned and walked away from her, leaving her standing alone under the fluorescent parking lot lights. She convinced herself that the incessant shivering was not from her body betraying her but that the warm spring air had suddenly turned cold. As the feeling of heartache threatended to consume her, Pam did the only thing she could think of at that moment. She went upstairs to call her mom.

—-

As she entered the Dunder Mifflin offices, the room was eerily quiet, lit only by unnatural, electronic blue light from her colleagues' desktop computers. She didn’t want to be with Jim right now, she needed to sieve through her thoughts without distraction. That didn’t mean she didn’t need the comfort of his presence. She made her way over to his desk and paused. She looked for a few moments at the photos of his siblings, nephews and nieces, him and his parents, wishing beyond anything that she could know how it felt to be part of their family. Experience what it was to be included in the Halpert world. Knowing she could, if she just had the guts. She slowly reached for his desk phone before entering the familiar number of her childhood home. Her heart was in her throat, she could feel it pounding so hard she thought it was going to jump out of her mouth. Just before she could fall into a complete panic, her mother answered. 

"Hello?"

"Um...mom?" she could barely get the words out, choking on her sob.

"Sweetie...is something wrong? What happened?" Pam and her mom had always been close. She knew her mother would be able to tell something was wrong but didn't expect to be called out on it so early in the conversation.

"Um. Yeah, I just… I don't know what to do. Jim said he loves me." Pam replied. May as well pull off the bandaid.

"Oh sweetie! When did he tell you?" 

The fact that her mother didn't sound surprised threw her. She wasn't sure how much information to give, sure that once she started, she wouldn't be able to stop. “About ten minutes ago...” 

"Well did you tell him you love him too?"  

“No, I didn’t know what to say,”

"There is clearly something more between the two of you. The way you talk about him, sweetie, you don't speak that way about any of your other friends. Not even Roy, dear." This isn't what she was expecting when she called her mom. She wanted someone to tell her, remind her, she was with Roy. She couldn't follow her heart, she had made commitments. 

“Yeah, I know...,” she decided to be honest for once. 

"Well, are you going to tell him?" 

Should she? She just managed it with her mom. She and Jim are so close, if there was anyone she could confide in, it would be him, right? “I don’t know, mom. He’s my best friend."

"He is so very good to you, I see how happy you are when you speak of him" 

Her mother has a point, Jim is good to her. She just needs to explain everything fully. He would understand.  "Yeah, he’s great."

"So, are you going to speak to him? Tell him the truth?" 

"Yeah, I think I am.” It was then she saw a shadow move by reception, her heart skipped as she wondered how much the figure may have heard of her private conversation. How much they could have interpreted from hearing her side. 

"Mom, i've got to go...yeah, I will" As she put the phone down, she saw the figure more clearly and her heart picked up for an entirely different reason. It was him. As he approached her, she steeled herself for the conversation she knew she had to have with him, what she needed him to understand before anything could change.  She inhaled a deep breath "Jim..." 

He leant towards her, wrapping his arms loosely around her waist as his lips met tenderly with hers. She knows it's cliched but she felt fireworks. She could feel her heart beating in her chest and her fingertips tingle as they found their way up into the flicks of hair around his neck, she lazily played with the tufts, amazed by how soft his hair was. Butterflies flew wildly around her stomach making her positively giddy. 

Slowly, they began to move away from each other. She felt at a loss for words. Thankfully Jim was the first to say something. "Wow. You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that..."

"Me too," she replied without thinking too much about what she had just admitted. 

His mouth quirked into his signature lopsided smile and his eyes crinkled and shone with pure joy like a child at Christmas. He lowered his head once more and this time she met him halfway, her fingers finding the growingly familiar silkiness at the nape of his neck. His grip tightened around her and he squeezed ever so slightly at her waist, then venturing lower to rest on her hips, his fingers grazed her butt cheeks. In what felt like a purely natural response, she moved her hands from his hairline, taking time to feel his broad shoulders and the firmness of his chest and stomach before following the path lower and landing finally at his belt. She dipped each of her pointer fingers slightly into the waistline of his pants at his hip before skimming the band of his boxers, following it around towards the front and stopping with her thumbs resting on his buckle. Jim drew in a sharp breath at the same time an almost inaudible moan escaped her. Jim’s eyes popped open, clearly scanning hers for her answer of how far this was going to go. "Pam...," he exhaled shakily. She stood up on her tiptoes and rested her lips lightly on his "Jim." she whispered before closing her mouth over his. Their kiss became urgent and Pam fumbled with the buckle of his belt. Jim reached to help, effortlessly undoing the buckle and sliding the belt out of the dress pant loops it calls home. He threw the belt to the floor and returned his attention to her, his hands finally landing firmly on her ass. He moved his hands around and down so his fingertips were gripping the inside of her thighs and lifted her from the floor, gently sitting her on his desk. She watched him as he stepped back to take in the scene unfolding before him. Cheeks pink and eyes dark, he looked amazed. As Pam took in the sight of the full length of his body, she couldn't help but notice his excitement and as he stepped forward once more, she raised her hands towards the button of his dress pants to relieve him. 

He placed a wide hand on each of her thighs, his thumb skimming the sensitive skin on the inner part and slid them towards her, scrunching the skirt of her dress that was blocking his path. He stepped forward in between her legs, cupped her face and pressed his lips tenderly against hers. It was a whirlwind after this, she wasn’t sure how it happened. She never meant for it to, but it all happened so quickly, felt so good that she couldn’t find the right time to want to stop. 

She can’t lie and say it was the best she’d ever had. When is it ever when you’re only just learning about someone’s body? He obviously had tricks which he’d learnt through the years of experience with different women, but Roy knew her body, what she liked. What she can say, was that the connection she felt with Jim far surpassed anything she had ever felt with Roy. There is a lot to be said for being best friends.

“Oh my God,” he half laughed, half gasped. “That was…Oh my God.” He ran his fingers through her hair and leant in to kiss her. 

She moved away from his advance. “Jim, listen…” 

He suddenly stepped backwards, eyes wide, she would say he looked almost scared. “Don’t. Don’t do this again. We just…”

“I know, Jim, but we shouldn’t have. That wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair on anybody”

He was pulling his pants back up and tucking in his shirt “Right. I get it. Don’t worry about it. At least I know what it’s like to have you, just once.” He put his sweater back on and then looked her in the eye. “Are you still gonna marry him?”

She nodded, she didn’t know what to say. She knew she had a lot to figure out, a lot to plan and put into action but she could hardly tell Jim that before she had had a chance to speak to Roy. After what she had just done, she owed him more than that. 

“Okay,” he nodded with pursed lips, eyes beginning to glisten once again. “Bye, Pam.”

“Jim, no! Don’t go!” she shouted as he turned to leave, but he didn’t stop. He kept on walking through the doors of Dunder Mifflin and she didn’t know it yet, but by the end of that weekend, out of her life.

Her head was spinning and she was finding it increasingly hard to control all the thoughts dragging her into their vortex. All she wanted was to speak to her best friend, but she couldn’t bare to face Jim after what had happened. Roy didn’t seem to notice that anything was untoward this morning, even though she had spent the night on the couch last night. The thought of sharing a bed with the man she had promised her life to, while emotionally she was invested elsewhere knocked her physically sick. Luckily, he was drunk when he got in and if history was anything to go by, was likely out for the count by the time his head hit the pillow in their shared bedroom, not even noticing she wasn’t there. Not that she was ever in the forefront of his thoughts when he was sober either.

“Roy, I'm headed out, I’ll see you in a while,” she shouted with a break in her voice, through the apartment from the front door to her fiance who was sitting on said couch she had woken up from, not more than half an hour before. He was already leaning over the coffee table eating a bowl of cereal and watching college football highlights. All she received was a grunt in response. 

Taking in a steadying breath, she made her way to the truck, second-guessing herself when she honed in on the pounding in her head. Last night, after leaving the office, she went to Ritters for a few more drinks. She would have gone to Poor Richards but didn’t want to risk running in to Roy and his warehouse buddies. She had gone intending to drink her pain away but couldn’t get drunk enough to get Jim off her mind and was feeling the effects this morning. She decided to walk to town and find a coffee place along the way where she could sit for a while, have some carbs to soak up the alcohol in her system, and call her mom to see if there is any logical sense to be made in this mess she calls her life.

When she called her parents home, her dad answered and let her know that her mom had gone out with friends that morning. Although she would have appreciated someone else's opinion, the fewer people who knew about her predicament at this point the better so she decided not to try calling Isabel or Penny. After another coffee and many internal arguments, Pam decided that she would speak to Roy that weekend and end their relationship. It was almost an epiphany, realizing that being with him would be out of pure comfort and not any genuine happiness on her part. That's not to say that she didn’t try to talk herself out of it. She tried to convince herself that she only wanted Jim because she had cold feet with the wedding getting closer, Jim was offering her a distraction but she shouldn’t ruin what she had built with Roy over the course of nine years, for what could be a fleeting romance. No matter how many times she tried to convince herself last night was nothing and there was still time to salvage what she and Roy had, her brain wouldn’t stop screaming the truth. That she loved Jim just as much as he loved her and had for longer than she cared to admit.  

Her conversation with Roy went as well as anyone could have predicted. She told him she thought they didn’t work anymore, and as expected, he didn’t take it well. There was lots of yelling and throwing things on his part and a truckload of tears on hers but she had done it. She felt relieved that the hardest part was over with and soon she would be happy. They had decided between them that he could have the apartment if he could just give her some time to get her own place. She’d explained that she needed somewhere to call her own, so she could find herself. The reality was that she needed to find somewhere that didn’t have any connections to her old life, not if she was trying to start a new one. She knew herself too well to know that if she carried on living in these four walls, it would be far too easy to fall into old patterns. Roy had moved out temporarily by Sunday, gone to stay with Kenny, his brother, while she sorted herself out. 

She was naive enough to think that things would get easier now that Roy was gone and she was left alone with her thoughts. It was all planned, she was going to speak to Jim during the week, she’d tell him that she had broken up with Roy, and just needed some time but did feel the same way if he could just wait for her a little longer. That she had messed up That Night, doing everything backward, but this time, she’d do things right. 

Oh, how the world had different plans. 

Monday morning came and she heard the news. Her stomach dropped. How could he leave her after everything that happened on Friday Night? Not to mention over the course of the weekend, of course, he didn’t know any of that yet. But leave so quickly too? It dawned on her that this was obviously his plan all along. Everything that happened That Night was a result of an impending deadline, and that hurt more than she could explain. She felt used, and dirty, even though she knew he would never intentionally hurt her like that. Knowing now, that he knew he wasn’t sticking around brought the intrusive thoughts that maybe he never loved her at all. Infatuated, maybe, with his best friend and wanted to try her out before he left, just to see what it was like.

Pam ran to the bathroom clutching her stomach, her eyes burning from unshed tears. The feeling was reminiscent of hearing of a loved one’s passing. She was mourning the loss of him. Her colleagues would know exactly what was wrong but she didn’t care, let them talk. 

Scooping her hair to the side with one hand, the other still resting on her stomach, she heaved and sobbed into the porcelain bowl of the toilet, but nothing would come. Falling back, she slumped against the stall door, knees to her chest, and let the tears fall. Pulling out her cell, she went straight to his number and dialed. She couldn’t overthink this, otherwise, she wasn’t sure she would speak to him ever again. 

Voicemail. 

“Shit!!” She whisper-yelled to herself through gritted teeth as she put her cell phone on the bathroom floor and forcefully pushed it towards the wall. Pressing the palm of her hands into her eye sockets, Pam tried to steady herself so she could return to reception. She sniffed and wiped at the stray tears before exiting the cubicle and heading to look in the bathroom mirror. She tucked stray strands of hair behind her ears, wiped again at her damp eyes, and decided that the image of the Pam looking back at her was as good as it was going to get. She left the bathroom, shoulders back and head raised high, thinking ‘screw everyone else, none of them truly give a shit anyway. Maybe no one ever has if I was this easy to leave.’

Back at reception, she picked up the phone, trying her utmost not to glance up and see concerned faces watching from all over the office and especially not the empty chair 5 feet away from her desk. Once found in the company directory she dialed the number she was looking for. 

“Dunder Mifflin, this is Polly.” came the calm voice on the other end.

“Hi Polly, could I speak to Jim Halpert?” 

“Of Course, may I ask who is calling, please?” 

“Pam Beesly.” 

“Oh, Pam! Hi! Let me just put you through. He’s just out of a meeting, hold on for just a second.” the cheery receptionist responded. Pam closed her eyes and inhaled deeply to steady herself, not wanting to lose her cool. The hold music must have been playing for seven seconds at most before Polly’s suddenly timid voice could be heard on the line once more. “Um, Pam, I’m sorry he’s- uh, his line is going to voicemail. He must be in the middle of something. Do you want me to take a message?”

Nice. He was blanking her. She had been a receptionist long enough to know that this was the line used regularly to get rid of a call someone didn't want. “Um, no. Thanks though. Take care, Polly.”

“You too. Bye, Pam.”

The rest of the day was a haze, it seemed to last forever but no time at all. She wished she could keep herself busy, but as usual, she had barely any work to do. Instead of playing solitaire, she couldn’t help but lose herself, staring off blankly into space, barely registering the phone ringing, never mind any paperwork that was put under her nose to be sent or completed. Luckily, no one approached her, they all helped themselves to the fax machine and tiptoed back to their desks once finished. It was as if they thought she was made of fine china already fragile and chipped, one sudden movement from any of them would shatter her into a million pieces, some lost along the way, never for her to be whole again.

*

So, that was when she gave up. For the last 2 and a half weeks, she hasn’t tried to contact him. There have been multiple drafted emails which all sit patiently waiting for the day they are sent or deleted. Probably the latter once she has found the strength to do it. He made himself perfectly clear that he wants nothing to do with her so she will respect that.

It was difficult at first, learning how to live without him. The dynamic in the office shifted instantly. Michael spent the majority of his time hiding away in his office sulking or moping about in the bullpen trying to find someone that would cheer him up, like a petulant child who thinks their mood is the responsibility of their elders. Dwight became immediately more cock-sure, his chest puffed like a pigeon with the aim of scoring a mate. There wasn’t anyone around to knock him down a peg or two, so his ego grew. Phyllis, with no one to boost her confidence with the playful flirtations Jim once provided, became increasingly withdrawn. Then there was Pam, herself, who could easily have burst into tears at any given moment. Every inch of the office reminded her of him, everything her coworkers said prompted an inside joke, and simple office stationary haunted her with memories such as the day he hosted the office Olympics. There was no escaping.

Pam had learned fairly quickly that keeping herself busy was the best way to not think about Jim, so she got to work on her new life, making calls and sending emails to all the relevant people involved in canceling her forthcoming wedding. She has scheduled appointments to view apartments, one on Arthur Street, backing onto Nay Aug Park, and another across town on 21st Avenue. They weren’t in the best areas but her wage alone wouldn’t be able to afford anything better, and she knew she had to look at the silver linings where she could find them, there are worse places in town to live. 

On Saturday, she would go to the local dealership to get herself a new car. She had seen one, a blue Toyota Yaris, that would be perfect for getting her to and from work, the trunk space big enough for grocery shopping for one. Her half of the savings from the wedding would pay for it outright, it would be completely hers. As much as Pam was happy that she had finally found her courage to leave Roy, and that is what it was - her courage - Jim may have prompted the shift but this decision was for her and her alone, she was still super nervous about beginning this new chapter, or maybe even whole new book, of her life. Even so, it was her life to live now, how ever she wanted and she was going to make the most of it, maybe even take up an art class at the local community college.

Then it dawned on her, she had been so wrapped up in her own little bubble of trying to survive the days that followed Jim’s departure, Pam was only just realizing that she was late for her period. Given, it is only by a few days and that could be down to many a number of things. She hadn’t been sleeping or eating properly, she can admit she has let the stress of the past couple of weeks get to her. It was probably nothing to worry about but she needed to know and so made a mental note to call at the drugstore on her way home.

*

Stepping through the front door of the home she shared with Roy for so many years, clutching a plastic bag holding her fate within, felt almost deceitful. A few months ago, she would have given anything to be walking through this very door, pregnancy test in hand, with the hopes that she was carrying Roy’s baby. Now, she can’t decide what is worse, having Roy’s baby, or her former best friend’s. 

Her fingertips turn cold at the thought and she begins to wring her hands together while looking around at the quiet, empty apartment around her. She heads towards the thermostat, pretending that it’s the temperature of the apartment causing the gentle tremors and not nerves taking hold, then over to the coffee table, she picks up the tv remote and turns on NBC Sports, just for want of some familiarity. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she heads towards the bathroom and mutters aloud to herself in a low whisper “It’s now or never, Beesly,” before the sentence is even finished she shakes her head as if to reprimand herself, and huffs out a humorless laugh for letting her internal monologue sound so much like him. The realization occurs to her that there will be major life choices to be made based on whatever destiny may have in store for her. 

Taking a plastic cup out of the mirror cabinet above the sink she tries to stop her trembling hands while she follows the instructions from within the cardboard box. Once finished, she washes her hands and slides down the wall placing herself on the tiled bathroom floor, holding her knees tightly to her chest, her forehead resting on her forearms, keeping herself composed.

Her brain has only been able to focus on taking life one thing at a time since she was thrown the curveball of Jim leaving, and for now, the three-minute wait is up. She takes a deep breath before hoisting herself up off the bathroom floor and walking slowly towards the small, white stick which has been sitting patiently on the marble effect surface next to the bathroom sink.

Her stomach flips at the sight before her, her hand reflexively going to cover her mouth. Giving herself a minute to register, she manages to sarcastically huff out “Positive. Perfect,” she throws her head back and pinches the bridge of her nose, “Like things weren’t hard enough right now.” 

In an attempt to collect herself, she takes in a deep breath and walks to her bedroom, test still in hand, opens the bedside table, and throws it in, hoping the long-time adage ‘out of sight out of mind’ might help her here. Sitting on the edge of her bed, her brain tries to make sense of the millions of thoughts running a hundred miles an hour all shouting for attention. She grasps the sides of her head to calm the screaming and wishes she could have a drink right about now. She laughs bitterly as she stands and heads to the kitchen to put on a pot of herbal tea.

It’s time to look at those options.

*

The following day at work, she sat staring at the drafts she had previously written and deleted them all. None of them seemed enough now, all the “I miss you”’s seemed too pathetic, as did the “Why did you leave?”’s and the “I just needed time”’s. She was going to be a mom, she needed to be more assertive about getting what she wanted in life. 

The thing is, she isn’t even sure whether the baby is even his. She did a lot of Googling last night, in fact, she barely slept. She ended up learning a thing or two, none of which help her little investigation. The Google tunnel she went down led her to learn that a guy’s, ‘swimmers’, could live inside a woman’s body for up to 6 days ready for ovulation. This baby could well be Roy’s. The question is whether that changes things between them. Should she go back to him? She has felt more content in the time that has passed since breaking up with him than she has felt in years, but this baby deserves a father. For all that Roy is, well, Roy, she has seen him with his sister’s son and knows he would dote on this baby. 

Then there was Jim. She knows without a doubt that he would make the best daddy. Still, he wasn’t answering her calls or texts. Even if they were speaking, how would she broach the subject? “Oh, hey, you know that one amazing night we had, yeah the one where you told me you loved me and I broke your heart? Well, I know you hate me now and we’ve never been able to give dating a go but I’m gonna be the mother of your child so you’re stuck with me either way!” She scrunched her eyes shut and shook her head at the stupidity of it all before looking around reception to make sure that no one in the office saw her externalize her inner battle. She felt like she was going crazy.

How can someone's life turn around so rapidly without any conscious realization it was happening? Going from nine years with the same man, from high school sweethearts to planning their wedding, to now having to figure out whether the baby she was carrying was even his. 

Whatever happened, she is going to be the best mom she can be, especially if it was going to be the two of them against the world.

As time ticked on, Pam got more comfortable with the idea of becoming a mom. Admittedly, Isabel and Penny had to initially talk her down off the ledge after panic set in, caused by thoughts of failure and the harassment provided by her internal monologue which liked to remind her that she had never been liked by any children she had met. Her friends had told her that she had never given herself a real chance, but it would be different this time anyway because the baby was hers. 

She moved into the place across from Nay Aug Park after falling immediately in love with its character. It was a quaint 2-bed craftsman-style bungalow which from the outside was nothing special. On entry, it opened up straight into the living room. The floors were wood, stained dark mahogany, and there was a brick-effect chimney in the center of the largest wall. The first thing Pam noticed was how bright and airy the room felt. As she turned to admire the space she saw the large window with plantation shutters opened wide showing her the view of the park across the street. Her imagination ran wild with thoughts of hot summer days jumping through the sprinkler, with a little girl on the lawn to the front, or maybe sitting in the shade under the big oak tree in the park with a little boy eating their picnic when the day is cooling, or curling up with hot chocolates in front of that stunning fireplace in the winter, a thick faux fur blanket covering the two of them as they cuddled in a large tartan armchair ready to share in their favorite fairy story. She made a mental note to put up an easel by the big window to work on her artwork when she was alone in an evening. Pam could imagine, not just a house but a home, a life for her and her baby here. 

Not everything about the house was so perfect and parts of the home were in need of some serious TLC but Pam could see that it oozed potential and its current condition meant she got a steal on the rent under the proviso that she carried out the works. Knowing she was on somewhat of a time limit, the immediate weeks following her move were spent decorating the house to Pam’s liking. She had never had a place to put her stamp on so she lived for coloring the rooms forest green or sunshine yellow. 

Constantly decorating in the evenings, on top of incessant nausea she couldn’t shake until at least early afternoon meant that Pam was exhausted. At times she gave herself a break from manual labor but she still couldn’t stop for fear of her brain reminding her how she had lost everything and was having to start afresh. In an effort to keep herself occupied, she made the effort to go out to test drive strollers or look into the sturdiest cribs. She knew it was far too early for all of this in any normal situation but it made her feel in control like she was acting more like a mom who knew how to do this and not the scared version of herself she knew she was inside. It’s hard to know how this could turn out okay when she is all by herself.

Although she still needed the daily distraction to feel content in her life, one thing was to be said for breaking up with Roy, having her best friend leave town, and setting up on her own, all in the space of a few weeks of one another; she found new confidence in herself with each passing day. She no longer felt like the sixteen-year-old version of herself who thought she needed a man. She actually quite enjoyed the quiet solitude of having her own place getting home from a busy day at work or being out with friends. 

Although she knew she didn’t need anybody, that didn’t mean she didn’t want anyone. There wasn’t a day that went by that she didn’t think of the shaggy-haired salesman she, despite everything, still called her best friend.

***

The months seemed to be speeding by, she was in a much better place emotionally and was feeling self-assured about her decision to keep the baby and raise it on her own. Still, she couldn’t shake the feeling, which she was experiencing more and more frequently recently,  that something could happen at any moment to disrupt the serenity she had created for herself. 

“Hey, Iz?” Pam called from the kitchen of her new apartment to the friend who had slept over last night and was now sitting in the living room, painting her toenails. “Remember we’ve got the autonomy scan this afternoon, are you still coming or do I need to ring Penny?”

Pam could hardly believe that she was 20 weeks along, she hadn’t found out the sex of the baby, wanting it to be something to look forward to and hopefully spur her on during labor. Recently, she had started having vivid dreams of holding a little boy with big, shiny hazel eyes and a wonky grin. It made her curious to find out, in case it was some sign from the universe that if the baby was a boy, it was his. In a book she had read, it mentioned that pregnancy hormones could give a mother crazy dreams so she put it down to that, in the same category as the dream which made her feel all kinds of weird when she woke up, in which she had more than friendly thoughts about Steve Buscemi.

“Shoot! Pam, I’m so sorry, I’m going out with that guy from the mall this afternoon! Penny did mention she’d be around though, definitely give her a call, I know how nervous you’ve been for this next scan,” Isabel replied guiltily. 

“How can you go literally anywhere and get a date, Iz?” Pam smiled and shook her head in disbelief, hoping the change of topic would quell the nerves that had started to ripple now that they had been spoken of. “We were out baby shopping and you came home with his number. Once the baby is here, you really need to teach me your skills,”

“Hey, what can I say?” Isabel smirked, looking up at Pam with a confident glint in her eye. “Your girl’s got it,”

Shaking her head once again, Pam grabbed herself an apple from the fruit bowl and tucked the jar of peanut butter under her arm, ready to take for breakfast once she could stomach food for the day, and headed towards the door before turning back slightly. “I’m going to get going to work, I’ll call Pen when I get there. You okay letting yourself out?”

Isabel nodded, “Just gonna wait for my nail polish to dry then you’ll never have known I’d been here,” she smiled softly at Pam before adding, “Good luck this afternoon, I hope they don’t have 12 fingers or toes,”

Pam shot her friend an exasperated look, shaking her head at the attempt at being funny, “That's all you can say to comfort me, Iz?” she let out a breathy laugh before turning to get her car keys. 

“Hey, if this baby is Roy’s, who knows what will be wrong with it? The man drinks so much, he’s sure to have mutated his genes somewhat,” Isabel was full-on grinning at Pam now. She glanced back down at her toenails to compose herself before looking back up, “Anyway, there might not be that worry,” the smirk on Isabel’s face turned once again into a warming reassurance. “Get to work, go see your baby, and ring me later to tell me all about it.”

Pam nodded ever so slightly, biting her lower lip to simmer her smile, she turned and walked towards the front door, reaching for the handle before calling out  “See you later, Iz,”

“Hey, and if it has a normal amount of fingers, take it as a sign it’s Jim’s!” came the response from the living room. Pam couldn’t help but chuckle at the guffaw her friend let out at her own humor.

***

Walking through the doors of Dunder Mifflin that morning, Pam would have never guessed the whirlwind that would ensue. 

It started when Jan came into the office and told Michael that the branch was closing, Michael, being Michael, couldn’t keep it to himself for long and told the whole office. Of course, after hearing this, nobody wanted to do any work and the whole office started chattering about what they would do and whether or not they were happy to be leaving Dunder Mifflin. The only silver lining of the workday was that they didn’t have to put up with Michael’s antics for very long as he and Dwight took it upon themselves to rectify the issue and left for the day, which didn’t fill anybody with confidence. 

Pam could feel the wave of anxiety rising. Her fingers went cold and the acidic taste in her mouth knocked her sick. The thought of losing her job, a house to run, and a baby on the way, it was hard to see a way through this.

As if her wave of anxiety summoned its friends, Roy walked into the office, making his way straight up to Reception. 

“Crazy day, huh?” 

“Yeah,” she wasn’t sure what else to say without revealing too much, not knowing who the baby's dad was meant that she had kept everything to herself. She had got away with loose-fitting tops over stretchy pencil skirts, no one in the office knew that she was halfway through a pregnancy and she wasn’t about to tell her ex-fiance when he had been making it perfectly clear that he was trying to win her back. “Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Sometimes at home, I answer the phone, ‘Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.’ So, maybe that'll stop now,” She played off her anxiety with humor, it had always worked in the past.

He leaned forward on the reception desk as if to share a secret, she moved towards him mirroring his behavior in a remaining subconscious reaction to their many years together. “Well, I don't really wanna work here without you,” His honesty shook her, she couldn’t remember the last time he was ever this vulnerable. She almost wanted to throw him a bone but didn’t want to lead him on when she was so much happier without him. So she just smiled and put her hand on his crossed forearms. He put his hand over the top of hers and turned a smile. She hoped he wasn’t reading into this as more than what it was. 

Nothing much more happened that morning as everyone, except for Angela, buzzed about avoiding their work. Thankfully, the time before she could leave for her appointment flew. She had never packed her things away so quickly, rushing out of the office, thankful that she hadn’t taken her Keds off that morning.

***

“And,” the screen is turned towards her with the sonographer pointing towards an area of light and dark grey. “There is their nose and mouth,”

“Oh my god. They’re gorgeous” Pam was in awe of her gorgeous little person, she couldn’t get enough. She had never loved anyone the way she loves this little being and she hadn’t even met them yet. 

“So, do you want to know the sex?” Did she? She thought again of her dream about it being a boy and thought of Jim and before she could think it through anymore, she was saying, “Yes,”

—

“Pam, Pam, Pam, slow down! I don’t understand why you’re crying?” Penny said in utter confusion, panic evident in her voice. “The sonographer said nothing was wrong, the baby is perfect,”

“No,” Pam sniffled while wiping frantically at her eyes and nose as she sobbed, her head laying on her sister's lap as she had her hair played with. “No, she’s perfect. I’ve always wanted a little girl,”

Penny scooted herself sideways and pushed lightly under her sister's head to get her to sit up. “Then tell me what’s going on, please Pam, I need you to help me understand,”

Pam proceeded to tell her sister about the dream she had about the baby being a boy and how she had taken it to mean that the baby would be Jim’s. She wasn’t sure what difference it would make, Jim was out of the picture but she wanted something to feel close to him and didn’t want to be any closer to Roy. 

“Pam, look at me,” Penny said lifting her sister’s chin gently. “You said it yourself, you know how crazy that sounds. A dream is nothing more than that. You dreamt of a boy because you are missing Jim and your head made something up that resembled him, nothing more,”

Pam nodded her head solemnly wiping again at the slowing tears that filled her eyes. 

Her phone sounded on the coffee table, Pam took in a steadying breath, hoping it would help add life to her social battery which was running on empty. What she saw made her blood run cold. She didn’t realize she had frozen in place until she felt her sister's hand on her shoulder. 

“Pam, what is it?” Penny asked tentatively. 

“Um, it’s a message from Phyllis,” Pam answered, not taking her eyes off the screen of her phone. “They decided that Scranton would absorb Stamford. Jim’s coming back,”

It took a little over a week before the Stamford branch was all packed up and ready to close. Corporate would be going in over the next couple of days to ensure all was in order, but with it being the start of a fresh week, anyone transferring to Scranton would be arriving today. Pam was feeling just as sick as she had in the first few months of her pregnancy, except this time, she knew it was dread. With anxiety high, her mind reeled, what was she supposed to say to Jim, after everything? Would he even acknowledge her when the time came? She considered calling in sick, it wouldn’t necessarily be a lie but then she would be prolonging the inevitable. It was best to rip off the bandaid she reasoned with herself. 

Puffing out her cheeks in an exhale, Pam looked in the mirror she had recently placed by the front door. She straightened her shoulders, trying to summon some semblance of confidence, "Come on, Pam," she muttered, her voice tinged with nervous energy. "It's just another day." But it wasn't, not really. Her hand instinctively wandered to the slight swell beneath her loose blouse, a silent reminder of the secret she carried and the reason for her current predicament. She forced a smile in a feeble attempt to psych herself up, but contradictorily titivated her hair from nerves “Now or never,” she uttered quietly. 

The only way she had thought up to keep control of the day was to get there earlier than anyone else so the room would fill around her, rather than her walking in to see Jim already there. She had been to the store last night and picked up the necessities for Michael’s goodie bags for the new starters so that was one less worry this morning. Walking out the door, she steeled herself for whatever shitshow today might throw at her. 

**

As she strolled into the office at 7.55 am, the only person there was Dwight, greeting her with a nod of the head and a simple “Pamela,”. In the months since Jim’s departure, she and Dwight had a new understanding that the past was behind them. She had kept the secret of his relationship with Angela to herself and he had been silently rooting for her and offering support where he could. There was a world unspoken in his proffered welcome this morning: support, empathy, and the unspoken knowledge of the emotional storm brewing within her. Pam knew he didn’t, couldn’t, understand the depth of it, the secret she was holding close to her heart and under her loose blouse, the reason today felt much more monumental. 

Sitting at her desk, all Pam had to do now was wait for the arrival of her colleagues. Scenarios had been playing in her head all morning like a broken movie reel, incessant and frustrating. She had ultimately come to the conclusion that no matter how this morning worked out, she had been fine on her own and would be fine going forward. 

By 8.30, the first of their new colleagues arrived, a lady called Hannah who looked unimpressed about being here and dumbfounded by Michael’s unconventional welcome, followed by a guy named Tony who was as equally perplexed. 

With each minute that ticked by, Pam’s stomach felt more and more uneasy. She put her hand to the slight swell hiding beneath her loose-fitting top, to soothe the tiny summersaults that mirrored her emotional state. 

The arrival of a lovely woman called Karen brought with it a flicker of hope, she stopped by Reception and spoke to Pam, complimenting her outfit, and offering a genuine smile. The brief conversation was a soothing balm to Pam’s nerves and she hoped they could build a strong friendship. The respite of nerves was shortlived and Pam winced as Michael came to introduce himself. Pam was stunned at the scene playing out before her, she just hoped Michael wouldn’t scare Karen off. 

After Karen, came Andy. Pam stayed sitting at her desk watching the cringeworthy conversation before her unfold as Andy parroted Michael almost word for word. The scene made her want to crawl under her desk.  

Then her world stood still as Jim walked in. God, he looked incredible, the nausea in her stomach was replaced by the frantic flutter of butterflies. She had missed him so much more than she had let herself admit and in that moment every suppressed feeling, every longing she'd buried, roared to life. She stood to welcome him without overthinking it, ready to take him in her arms, inhale the scent of him and forget the past few months had ever happened.

Without a flicker of recognition, he walked straight past. The hug to Michael, the casual greeting and easy camaraderie was like a physical punch to the gut. 

She sat down, the weight of his indifference crushing her lungs making it hard to breathe. Her eyes pricked and her vision blurred. The rest of the morning was spent in purposeful avoidance. She couldn’t bring herself to try to speak to him so he could prove all her greatest fears to be true. 

By break time, she couldn't bear the silence. This wasn't how their story ended, it couldn’t be. She wouldn’t forgive herself if she didn’t try again so she followed him to the break room, determined to explain, to find out exactly where she stood and once he knew her logic, if he still hated her, so be it she had said her piece.

As she walked through the breakroom doors, he turned around from the vending machine with a half-smile on his face, the kind you give when you’re offering pleasantries to a passerby, the one which dropped immediately as he saw it was her, before he turned back around to the vending machine to peruse the drink options in front of him.

She walked tentatively over to the table directly behind, leaning herself slightly against it for support. “Um, hey,” she tried, but when she didn’t get a response she carried on. “It’s great to have you back,” still nothing, she looked down to her feet hoping to find her lost courage, “Look, I know you don’t want to talk to me and I don’t blame you, but please could we meet up for a coffee, there are some things I need to talk to you about,”

His tone was colder than a winter night in Scranton when he replied, “There’s nothing I need to hear or say, so it’s gonna be a no,” It tore her heart in two. 

“Jim, seriously, you’re gonna want to hear me out, “ Her emotions threatened to spill over. She was on the brink of hyperventilating, wanting to get her point across but not wanting to embarrass herself trying. He turned from the vending machine and made for the exit, focused on something just past her. “Jim, please, we can't leave us like this,” 

As she saw him reach for the door handle, she felt woozy, her vision tunneled, and her hearing started ringing then turned muffled. 

Suddenly the room went black. 

*

Her eyes cracked open upon hearing the familiar voice “Pam! Pam, please! Can you hear me?” His voice was thick with panic. 

“Jim?” She managed to get out, much quieter than she intended, blinking to clear the haze and focus on what was going on around her.

Relief flooded his face, quickly replaced by worry. “Oh my God. You scared the life out of me! I've got Karen calling an ambulance, they should be here before you know it, just stay put,”

Ambulance? Her head throbs with confusion. It’s then that she realizes where she is, lying on the breakroom floor, Jim kneeling beside her, his eyes full of fear. "An Ambulance? What happened?" her voice hitches, emotion threatening to flood forward.

He runs a hand through his hair, "I don't know. You just… fainted. Are you okay? You wanted to talk, and I should have just listened.” She saw frustration and regret plain as day as he furrowed his brow, “You tried and I didn’t want to hear it, and you were just… down." He explained again, same meaning, different words tumbling out as he tried to make sense of the events. A strange warmth came over her then. After all these months of ignoring her, making her feel like she didn’t exist, his concern now is undeniable. He still cares.

It was then it registered what he had said, she had fainted. Why? Was it the baby? Her stomach dropped. Was this karma for putting Jim and herself through these past few months, if only she'd been honest with him from the start, they would be in a completely different position. 

“Please, stay with me?” It came out much more childlike than she intended. All these months of working on herself and her confidence had gone straight out of the window when faced with the man she is still wildly in love with it seems. 

“Of course, yeah, I'm not going anywhere,” he murmurs, gently tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. The light touch of his fingers sends a shiver down her spine, and in that moment, it felt like everything just might be okay.

She relaxed into his touch, closing her eyes to savor every thought and feeling however short-lived as two figures appeared in the doorway. 

“Miss Pamela Beesly?” one of them asked, their eyes scanning her for clarification.

Pam nodded, slightly intimidated, “um, yeah, that's me,”

They introduced themselves, as the paramedics who had been sent following a colleague's phone call, they had used names that in the chaos of it all, Pam couldn’t remember. After checking a few of her vitals, they insisted that she needed to go with them to the hospital to run some tests. They rattle off medical jargon, but all she cares about is the way Jim’s hands felt on her minutes ago, that he might be willing to hear her out now if she could just try again. He's been waiting here with her, which surely says that not all is lost, but it’s what’s not been said that she is focusing on and the silence is deafening.

“So, your boyfriend can come with you in the ambulance or follow behind, it might take a while so it could be easier for him to drive so he can take you home after,”

Pam looked and Jim, and he looked back at her before they both couldn’t take it anymore and suddenly turned away, though neither one corrected the speculation. Jim helped Pam to her feet and told her he would meet her at the hospital. 

It was an excruciatingly long day, having tests run and waiting around. Jim was keeping her amused but their conversations stayed on safe ground; food, what they had planned for the rest of the week, and how their families were doing. Pam knew she had to attempt more but exhaustion knawed at her, all she wanted was to go back to her home and have a bath and an herbal tea. There was relief in knowing she could put the deep conversations on hold until tomorrow now that Jim was willing to sit by her side and at least look at her.

“Miss Beesly?” The nurse's sweet voice cuts through their thoughts, interrupting the pleasant silence they’d fallen into. Pam straightens, anxiety prickling her skin. She nodded her head slightly as she readjusted to a more comfortable position on top of the sheets of the hospital bed. Jim’s head picked up, eyes glued to the clipboard in the nurse's hands, mirroring Pam’s anticipation.

“I’m Nurse Hughes,” the woman chirps with a smile, as she enters the room and comes to stand directly next to the side of the bed. Pam could see that Jim had edged himself closer to the edge of the chair he was sitting in, at the foot of her bed, he clasped his hands together, eager to hear what the nurse had to say. 

“Well, good news! The tests are clear, nothing has come up to be worried about. It looked as though your potassium levels were low which caused a sudden spike in your blood pressure, your body’s response to that is to lower that spike as quickly as it can, which is why you fainted. We suggest Potassium supplements, these should be included in your prenatals but sometimes you may need just a little bit more. Please be assured that baby is perfectly healthy,” she soothed with a smile.

Relief washes over Pam, not even affected by Jim’s intense gaze burning into her out of the corner of her eye. She kept her attention on the nurse but could feel him in her soul. Questions simmer in his silence, and she knows they'll boil over soon but she knows him well enough to know he wouldn’t cause a scene, he wouldn’t embarrass her like that, like Roy had on so many occasions. She would give him answers as soon as they had privacy.

“Thank you, Nurse Hughes, that’s so reassuring,” Pam tried her best to ignore the thick tension in the room and smiled politely at the nurse. 

“A Doctor will need to sign your release papers before you’re free to go. They're a tad swamped, so please bear with us,” the nurse said with a final smile before leaving the charged atmosphere behind.

Pam prepared to explain herself, but before she could Jim let out a long huff, pushing off his knees to stand and walking out of the room. Pam had only just gotten used to the relief having him in her presence had provided and so the silence he left behind was almost suffocating.

The half an hour he was gone felt like an eternity, each second that ticked by echoed in her head as if it was a hammer blow. When he returned, he looked like a different person than the one who had supported her for most of the afternoon, his hair disheveled and a telltale red rim around his eyes. Just as Pam opened her mouth to speak, the last person she had thought she would see came rushing into the room. 

“Pammy! Oh my God, Halpert just called me an’ told me to get over here. That you'd had a fall an’ that, God, Pam, why'd you not tell me we were havin’ a kid?” His voice boomed, shattering the quiet she had become accustomed to, as he rushed to the side of her bed. 

Pam looked at Jim who stood there, hands in his pockets, staring at something mightily interesting on his shoes, then back to Roy's hopeful face. A scream threatened to tear itself from her throat, trapped by the surreality of it all. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go.

“Roy, listen,” Pam started, barely a whisper, “I don't know how to say this but I should have been honest with you months ago. No one knows about the baby, not just you. I've kept it to myself and I know, before you tell me, that I've been a coward keeping it a secret, but you deserve the truth.” 

She glanced at Jim, hoping he would understand that he should be listening to her reasoning for not telling Roy just as much as Roy should. “I haven't said anything to you or anyone for that matter, because everyone knows how much you've wanted to get back together. I couldn’t handle the humiliation, and I've come so far on my own, I couldn’t give you all this false hope that we could try to work this out because there are so many reasons our relationship ended Roy, that I could never revisit but most importantly, there is a chance…a high chance…that she isn't yours,” Once they started, she found that the word vomit just tumbled from her, the dam had finally been broken.

Pam's confession hung heavy in the air, months of unsaid truths, free from their vault. She took in a deep breath, bracing herself for the Roy bomb she expected to blow. Before she could avert her eyes, a remaining trait of the years of living with Roy to avoid arguments, a flicker of movement caught her eye. Jim’s eyes had snapped up to catch hers, keeping his head as low as he could, matching her avoidance in the presence of Roy, their silent connection hadn’t wavered in the months they’d been apart.

Pam, unable to cope with Roy’s silence any longer continued, “"Roy, listen," her voice shaky, "I know this is a lot, but-"

Roy cut her off, his words acidic "You mean it ain't mine?” He hissed as he turned and made his way closer to Jim. Pam saw his fists clench, “This some kinda sick joke, Halpert? Thought you'd pull one of your little pranks on me?"

Jim stepped back, hands raised defensively. "Hey, man, I - I didn't know, I thought I was doing the right thing," he stammered.

“Like hell you did! You knew exactly what you were do-”

"Enough!" A stern voice boomed from the doorway. "This is a hospital, gentlemen, not a wrestling ring! You either calm down outside by your own accord or security will escort you out.” The nurse’s expression was firm, unwavering.

Roy huffed, muttering under his breath. “I was just leavin’,” he grumbled as he barged past the nurse, leaving an awkward tension in the air. Pam never forgot that Roy had a temper but was still amazed at where he drew the line on expressing it. A hospital room was a new one. She was mortified and apologized profusely to the nurse who had witnessed the outburst.  

As the nurse left, Jim moved cautiously towards the bed. Pam met his gaze, fighting back tears as her cheeks threatened to set alight with their heat. “I’m so sorry,” she began but he cut her off.

“Don’t,” he said, shaking his head, “doesn’t matter.” He sat down on the bed beside her, close enough that she felt comforted, but still keeping a cautious distance. "She?" he smirked, raising his head to look at her properly for what felt like the first time in forever. A flicker of hope glistened in his eyes, and she couldn't help but return a hesitant smile, butterflies dancing in her stomach. Suddenly, he became very serious, as if checking himself, doubt clouded his features, “So, if not Roy, then?”

Pam nodded trying to stay calm, “Yeah, there’s no other possibility, you or him. The dates are a little fuzzy but you were the last, so,” She trailed off, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear, unable to meet his gaze.

He ran a hand through his hair, a sound like a choked laugh escaping his lips. "Wow," he breathed, the weight of her words sitting heavy.

"I know it's been crazy," she began, trying to find her courage, "and that you haven't wanted to talk, but-"

“No! No,” he interjected, his words full of guilt, “I’m so sorry. I was an idiot. A jackass! I know you emailed and called but I just…couldn’t, Pam.” He turned and walked back towards the chair he was sitting in earlier, before facing her again, “We need to know. I need to know. If she’s mine, God, I’ll be there for every step. If she’s not, then, I don’t know, but you’re my best friend and I’ve let you do this all by yourself while I tried to build a barricade to protect me from you,” he slumped backward into the chair, burying his head in his hands. 

Pam got up, slinking towards him, “Jim, please,” she said delicately, “I need you to look at me.” He hesitantly brought his head from his hands, his eyes scanning her for reassurance. She lowered herself to the floor to kneel between his legs, “I need to know that you won’t just run away again.” she pleaded, her voice shaking slightly. “Everything has changed for me. You left, Jim! I broke up with Roy. I thought I could talk to you and you’d understand that I needed to do the right thing by him before jumping into anything with you. Then Monday came and you were gone, just, without a trace. It was like you’d died Jim,” Her voice hitched and she wiped at a stay tear, he couldn't bear it. He moved himself to the floor beside her, wrapping his arms around her and she leaned immediately into his embrace, her face burrowed into his chest. He placed a hesitant kiss into her hair which made her raise her head to share a small smile, she sniffled and placed a hand on her stomach before persevering, “Then I found out about her. I’ve had to get used to the idea that it was going to be the two of us, I got us a house, a car, all of it on my own. Sure I had some help from Iz, my mom, and Penny, but mostly, everything we have was because of something I did. I don’t need you, Jim,”  She looked at their hands, which had become intertwined somewhere in her ramblings, becoming aware of how tightly she was gripping his, silently begging him not to walk away, “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want you.”

He stared down at their hands, processing her words. His gaze met hers, searching for any sign he was reading this right, that he wasn’t misinterpreting anything, never had. 

“I love you,” she confessed finally, “I’ve loved you for longer than I let myself admit, and God, if this baby isn’t yours and you walk away again…” She trailed off, she didn’t want to voice what it would do to her. 

"I'm not going anywhere," he said, his voice firm, his eyes filled with a love he couldn't hide. "If that's how you feel, even if she's not mine, it'll be a little complicated, sure,” he let out a sarcastic laugh, then became solemn as he continued, “but if there's even a chance…" He paused, his words catching in his throat, "Pam, I've loved you pretty much since the day I met you. You're it for me. You're everything." the intensity in his gaze normally would have scared her but instead, she felt a thrill.