Jim shut the closet and turned to stare at Pam. His face clearly conveyed that something was amiss. “There’s no ironing board.”

Pam gave an exasperated sigh and tried turning over on her side, only to be reminded quickly that she couldn’t. “Planning on doing some light ironing?”

“Well, I was Pam…but that’s shot to hell now…”

“Sucks to be you then…,” she said trying and failing to push her self to a slightly more upright position. “An espresso machine?” She asked, carrying on the joke.

Neither one of them was really ready to face the fact of why they were really here. It was much easier to just pretend they were on some road trip in a dive motel.

Jim pointed at her. He nodded just once. “Good question Pam. Good question…and one that I’ll investigate…even though you haven’t had any coffee in…I wanna say…”

“Nine months and 3 days? Yes I’m aware of that Jim…But it’d be nice to be drinking an espresso in a few hours.” It would be nice to have a margarita too but she was pretty sure they wouldn’t be finding one of those types of machines in the closet.

Jim nodded. “Noted…Are you going to be holding that espresso in your right hand and the baby in your left or…”

“No Jim, I’ll just be holding the espresso. You can hold the baby.”

“Awesome,” Jim said clapping his hands together once. “But Pam…oddly enough, I am not seeing an espresso machine in this room……I do not think this is the deluxe suite,” Jim finished, mimicking the way Stanley may have said it.

Pam giggled, always unable to sustain the deadpan banter when he did impressions. “What kind of crappy ass hospital did you bring me to Jim? I thought you loved me…”

Jim did a palms up and his voice went slightly hoarse. “Cheaper.”

“Your daddy…always wantin’ the best for us” Pam said, grinning as she smoothed her hands over her massive belly. She looked up at Jim as he came to sit next to her. “I’m really attractive in this aren’t I?”

Jim glanced at the hospital gown. White with what looked to be faded blue blobs all over it. Maybe the blobs had been flowers at some point or just dots…he couldn’t be sure.

“Very hot actually…if you weren’t already pregnant…” he shook his head, trailing off.

She laughed out loud. “Wow. Really? I’ll remember that. Maybe I can get the hospital to loan me one of these gowns for later. Wear it on our anniversary.”

“Perfect,” Jim said smiling.

He leaned back in the lightly cushioned chair, stretching his long legs. He couldn’t seem to find a comfortable position though and a groan escaped his lips. “Do they really expect guys to sit in these chairs all night? Like for hours? This is horrible.”

“Oh are you complaining now, Halpert? Are you going to cry because the chair’s not exactly to your liking? Do you need a tissue?...Oh hold on – I’m sorry, all the tissues are currently being used by women in labor.”

“Whoa…craaa-nky.”

“Pretty sure I have that right,” Pam said, staring up at the ceiling.

A moment passed, as Jim really took in their surroundings. It was a nice enough room as far as hospitals went. Good a place as any to have a baby, he supposed. He wondered though if he should have insisted on having a better room. When the hospital had first showed them the rooms it had seemed fine, perfectly doable. But of course then, they’d been too distracted by the fact that they were actually in a hospital room discussing the two of them having a baby for God’s sake.

It still didn’t seen quite real.

“Hey…this is fine,” Pam said, reaching out to touch the top of his hand.

He was once again amazed at how adept she’d gotten at reading his mind. It was a little scary, but totally wonderful at the same time. Was this really happening to them? And was he really such a dork that his wife needed to reassure him when she was the one about to have a baby?

“Yeah – no…I wasn’t even…How’s it goin’?” He said finally, breaking into a smile.

“It’s going ok. So far the contractions have been pretty mild. I think all that pain they talk about…it’s a myth.”

“Totally. My mom says that if she had to pick between giving birth again over having a scoop of ice cream…it’d be childbirth every time.”

“Excellent. I knew that Lamaze class woulda been a total jip.”

Jim waited a beat, knowing bullshit banter when he heard it. “Scared?”

“Tremendously.”

Jim grinned widely. “I hear there are drugs on the premises.”

“Sweet deal…Why don’t you -

“Pam-pam-thank-you-mom!”

Jim turned. A look of pure dread shadowed his smile as Michael swooped into the room. The only thing that could make this moment even more perfect was if…

“Dwight…what a nice surprise,” Pam said trying to hoist herself up just a bit in bed. Jim stood to help her as she muttered under her breath, “Now I really need drugs.”

“I came to drop off my gift!” Michael said, grinning from ear to ear.

Dwight made an amendment. “Michael you only contributed a dollar  –

“Shut it,” Michael whispered, recovering quickly with a smile. He passed the box to Pam. “A gift for the lovely couple…and baby makes three!” he said quickly turning to give the camera man his best ‘generous face’. He realized a moment too late that the camera guys had stayed out in the hall. He turned back to Jim and Pam. “Since I wasn’t invited to the baby shower…I thought I’d make a special trip.”

Pam looked guiltily at Jim but then smiled for Michael. “Thank you so much…” she said smoothing her hand over the gift wrap. It was actually wrapped very nicely. An iridescent pink and blue paper skimmed a rectangular box. Probably pink and blue because Michael hadn’t realized what the sex of the baby was. He’d never even asked.

“Aren’t you gonna open it?” Dwight asked, when Pam went to hand it to Jim.

“Oh…I…I was going to save it for when the baby –

“Open it.” Michael said, smiling. His eyes suddenly so big they were slightly frightening.

Jim sighed and laced his fingers behind his head. Whatever was inside that box couldn’t be good. He just couldn’t trust that Michael and Dwight could come up with even a remotely appropriate baby gift.

“Oh…ok,” Pam said graciously, propping the box up on her belly. As she started to curl her fingers under the seam of the gift wrap, she grimaced. “Oooh papercut?” Dwight asked quickly, thinking he’d absolutely surmised the source of her expression.

Jim shot forward in his seat, a hand on Pam’s knee.

Michael shook his head at Dwight. “Idiot,” he said, and quickly jogged over to the side of the bed that Jim wasn’t on. Slipping his hand inside of Pam’s. “I’m here for you Pam…you just…squeeze. Squeeze as hard as you can!” He demanded.

“Michael! Michael be careful! I don’t want her to hurt you!” Dwight exclaimed. “My mother broke my father’s hand in 10 places when she was giving birth to me.”

Jim shook his head and then looked up. “Ok, seriously you two need to get out…You ok?” He said turning back to Pam, whose face was slowly returning to a normal, healthy shade. Not white like it had been a moment ago.

“Wow…yeah…No, it’s ok,” she said rubbing Jim’s hand. “I can at least open Michael’s gift before they leave.”

“Dwight’s gift,” Dwight muttered.

Michael grinned like a happy child on Christmas. Rubbing his hand from where Pam had held it. “That did kind of…hurt just a little. You should have warned me you were gonna squeeze that hard,” he said lowering his voice.

Pam sat silently for an awkward moment. “Sorry.”

She slipped her fingers beneath the wrapping paper, slowly uncovering a box with a picture of a…

“It’s a breast pump,” Michael said volunteering the information as if no one could tell what it was from the picture. “I hear those babies get really tender when they’re all enjor-gorge…engorgeous with milk. So…this’ll come in handy.”

“That’s what she said,” Dwight said with a sly smile.

“Dwight…how many times do I have to tell you that’s my joke…damn it Dwight,” Michael said, shaking his head in disgust.

Jim rubbed his forehead as Pam handed him the box. When he dropped it on the bedside table without even looking at it, Pam knew he was annoyed. Maybe it was time to get rid Tom and Jerry.

“That was very…um….thoughtful of you Michael, and Dwight,” Pam said, when Dwight looked ready to object.

“Question,” Dwight said, stepping away from Michael and towards Jim and Pam. “What will you be naming the child?”

Jim glanced at Pam and then at Dwight. Very solemnly he said, “Schrute.”

Pam covered her mouth quickly to stifle her laughter.

Dwight shook his head. “Don’t be ridiculous Jim. That’s my family name. You can not name your child Schrute.”

“Um, yes I can,” Jim said matter of factly.

“No you can’t. It’s a family heirloom, and it’s mine. Find your own name to name it. Like maybe…Pukeface.”

“Wow…we were going to name our first born after you…and that’s the thanks we get?”

“Name it Halpert.”

“No.”

“Why not Jim?” Dwight asked, now speaking through his teeth he was so angry.

“Only if I can hyphenate it. Schrute-Halpert. Nay…Halpert-Schrute. I think that’s a more powerful way to go.”

“Of course it is Jim – but you can’t have it.”

“We’ll see.”

Michael shook his head. “Why the hell would you want to name your baby Schrute? That’s such a loser name.”

Dwight’s face fell. “We should go now Michael.”

Pam smiled as they started to leave. “Thanks for the breast pump guys…and the name!”

“You can’t have it!” Dwight yelled as Jim shut the door behind them.

“You’re horrible,” Pam said giggling as Jim came back to sit next to her.

“Oh they gift you with a breast pump and I’m horrible.”

Pam laughed again. “Well I didn’t get one at the baby shower…It’s practical.”

*******

Jim watched her face closely as the contraction started to intensify.

Pam opened her eyes just long enough to spot the nurse who was checking something on the fetal monitor next to her. “That other nurse…that other nurse said something about 6 centimeters. Isn’t that a low estimate? I mean you’ve got seniority right? Can’t you just…like…tell the doctor I’m at 10?”

“It doesn’t work that way honey, I’m sorry,” the nurse said trying hard not to laugh.

“This is ridiculous,” Pam said on a sigh as she started to come down.

Jim glanced at the ink spike that started to ebb back down to normal on the monitor. “Over?”

She inhaled through her nose and let a slow breath out through her mouth. “Yeah, I think so.”

Pam smiled wide and sighed. She was already so amazingly tired. Her mother had come in just a little bit ago and Pam had lied, telling her that the pain wasn’t getting worse at all. Her mom had known of course that she was only telling her that so that she wouldn’t worry. So that she wouldn’t spend the next few hours sitting next to her and bossing the nurses around.

Jim had left during those few brief moments, giving them time to talk and she’d told her mom that she and Jim would be ok. Her mother had nodding knowingly. “You know if you just want to be here alone with your husband, you can just say that to me…I get it. I may not be a newlywed anymore, but I’m not stupid either.”

Pam had just smiled at her mother and told her that she loved her. 

Jim grinned. “So what was that? ‘Tell the doctor I’m at 10?’”He said mimicking her as the nurse left with a smile on her face.

“Shut up…I really hate you right now.”

“Funny. That’s not what you were saying when you got this way…so…”

She glared at him. “That’s the closest you’ve ever come to a ‘that’s what she said’ kind of a joke, and I don’t think you should come any closer.”

“Wow, ok Beesly. Way to lay down the law.”

A moment passed and Jim leaned close. “So…I think right now is a perfect time to play Would You Rather.”

Pam rolled her eyes. “Jim…”

“No seriously. What better time? I mean this is childbirth Pam…this is the ultimate in comparisons. It’d be unnatural not to play.”

“Oh like your mom and icecream…She lied to you.”

“Ok…so going to a bar with Meredith and having your first after pregnancy shot with her…or going to Hooters with Michael.”

“Too easy. Bar with Meredith.”

“Ok then, bar with Meredith or beet harvesting with Dwight?”

Pam bit her bottom lip. “No fair. That’s -

“God…quit stalling.”

“Beet harvesting with Dwight.”

“Oh my God!” Jim exclaimed leaning back in his chair.

Pam laughed out loud. Thank God for him. How on Earth would she ever get through this without Jim? Playing stupid games with him while waiting for the next contraction…while waiting for this miraculous thing to happen…

“Pam…seriously, do you realize what you just said?”

With tears in her eyes she nodded.

“What?” Jim asked, shaking his head.

“Nothing.”

“Ok…no seriously, what? Another contraction?” He asked, and glanced up at the monitor. The little ink needle wasn’t jumping, but she was definitely looking at him in weird way. Not an ‘I’m having fun’ kind of way. Maybe playing Would You Rather had been a dumb idea.

“No, not yet,” she said though.

“If you don’t want to play this –

“No…what’s the next one? I mean so what if I want to go beet farming with Dwight!”

“Unforgivable -

“You said you wanted to name our first born after him!”

“That was a joke Pam,” Jim said shaking his head. He folded his arms over his chest as he leaned back. His legs stretched in front of him. “That was a joke. You on the other hand, were drop dead serious…Unforgivable.”

“Give me another one!”

“No…I don’t think I can play this game with you anymore,” he said, giving her an out if she wanted to take it.

“But we didn’t even get to childbirth!...You can’t stop now,” Pam said dissolving into giggles.

Wait, Jim thought. That was definitely her ‘I’m having a great time,’ laughter. So maybe she did want to play…

“Oh my God you guys are so cute!”

Jim looked up, his thoughts interrupted by the door swinging open to reveal Kelly and Ryan.

“Pam I can’t believe you’re 9 months pregnant and you didn’t even get that fat!” She continued, oblivious to all shocked expressions. “Seriously, you could have done a Vanity Fair cover like that…I mean I know you’re not famous or anything…but seriously, you are so cute.”

“Thanks Kelly,” Pam said tiredly, hoisting her self up.

Jim rubbed his forehead

“So…Oh my God, Michael told me that you guys are naming the baby Shcrute! Is that true?”

Pam shot a pointed look at Jim, who looked at his feet.

“No…it’s not true,” Pam said.

“Oh really? Bummer…I thought it might actually be kind of cool because then you’d have a really cool baby name like you know…Apple, Moses, Suri…basically like any name that is awesome.”

“Wow…yeah,” Jim said, his stance now mirroring Ryan’s as he put his own hands in his pockets and paced a bit. If he was really being honest with himself, their appearance was a blessing. At least now he had time to think things through. What did other guys do in delivery rooms with their wives? He was pretty sure they didn’t subject them to games of Would You Rather…

“Thanks Kelly,” Pam was saying. “We’ll think about those.”

“Well if you don’t name it Schrute, you should name it Kelly.”

“Oh,” Pam said, her mouth staying in the form of an ‘O’ for a few seconds too long.

Jim worked hard not to laugh at her expression. Ryan shook his head in mortification behind Kelly.

“Actually…um…we’re having a boy,” Jim said, saving Pam from having to finish.

“That’s ok! See that’s the most awesome thing about ‘Kelly’! It’s a boy/girl name. Androgynous. It’s perfect and totally awesome.”

“Wow,” Jim said smiling. Forget what he’d just been thinking. He couldn’t take Kelly’s fervor or Ryan’s awkward condescension anymore. He looked at Pam pointedly, hoping that she interpreted what he was trying to say here…they needed to take drastic measures or Kelly would never leave.

Pam immediately had a contraction.

“Oh my God it hurts! For the love of God!” Pam shouted, clutching Jim’s hand.

“Wow…whoa, yeah Kelly, Ryan…I think you guys better get out of here. This looks like a big one.”

Kelly frowned and glanced at the monitor. “My sister had a baby…before she died, and that thing always showed you when someone was having a contraction.”

“It’s a really cheap room. The monitor’s broken,” Jim said without missing a beat.

“Oh,” Kelly said, nodding solemnly. “Ok, well come on Ryan…let’s go look at the babies!” She said grinning as she pulled a miserable Ryan towards the door. Giddy again even as Pam was hee-hee-ho-ho ing away.

“Oh my God we should totally have one!” Kelly was saying as they slipped out of the room.

The door shut and Pam and Jim released one another’s hands.

“We’re going to hell,” Pam said quietly.

“Not me…just you.”

“You totally lied first!”

“Not the same.”

“Yes it is!”

“Totally not the same as faking a contraction. That’s…immoral.”

“But you told me to do it!”

“Those words never came out of my mouth.”

“You were thinking it!”

“No,” Jim said, now channeling Angela.

“Suck ….whoa…ow…” Pam leaned forward, gripping the side of the bed as Jim quickly moved back to her. “Oh my God,” she whispered this time. Her face telling the story of how real this one was.

“Ooh yeah, I shoulda been timing that better,” Jim said, clutching her hand. When she didn’t smile or even look at him, but continued to shut her eyes tightly through the contraction, he trailed his fingers along the side of her head, softly touching her hair.

When he noticed the sudden lump in his throat he knew he’d had it. How the heck was he supposed to do this? Silently he watched her, deciding that right now more than anything she probably just needed him to shut up and keep holding her hand.

“God, that one was really long,” she whispered a moment later as the pain began to slowly creep away.

“Yeah,” Jim said, at a loss for words for perhaps the first time in his life.

“Ok, I officially really don’t like this,” she said through a tenuous smile.

“You should quit,” Jim said. “Without a doubt.”

“Really? You don’t think that’d be unfair to the baby?”

“Baby,” Jim said shrugging. “What’s the baby done for us?” Jim asked, needing more than anything to make a joke just then.

He’d been pretty damn good about remaining calm up until now if he did say so himself. He had yet to resort to lunatic behavior. He hadn’t gone running around getting ice cubes nor had he been dumb enough to suggest that he would gladly trade places with her.

Because truth be told – he would not gladly trade places with her. Instead he’d request neither of them had to go through this at all.

Baby yes – all for it. Pain – no.

Even now, seconds later, his heart was still was still making it’s descent back down from his throat.

“God you’re right,” Pam was saying in response to his comment. “So what do we do?”

“Well Pam…you have to hurry up and dilate.”

“Yeah…see…I’m trying. But there seems to be some kind of problem.”

“Should I get the nurse back Pam? Oh wait, no…she said there was nothing she could do about it. So um, basically this all falls on your shoulders. If you could please try and be a team player…”

“You suck.”

“Listen,” Jim said shrugging, “This isn’t my fault. You got yourself into this position…”

“Hmm…how’s that exactly?”

“Seriously? You don’t remember?”

“I remember exactly. I’m just wondering whether you remember.”

“We were sitting in the living room on the floor watching some zombie flick that you just had to see, and when we turned it off the news was on…they were doing a special on the this lady who was making baby blankets for some hospital and you suddenly got this huge smile on your face and you turned to me and said, out of nowhere ‘Would you freak if I wanted to make a baby?’…and I said ‘Yes, because I really just had a craving for spaghetti tonight…nothing that exotic,’ and then you socked me in the stomach.”

“I did not sock you in the stomach.”

Yes she had, and it had been great. It’d given him a minute just to collect himself. Of course he wanted to make a baby with her! Was she kidding!

“Oh my God…you’re totally denying it now?” Jim asked.

“Whatever. I don’t remember it like that. You were the one who brought up babies.”

“So not true. Basically Beesly that’s just an out and out lie. What kind of values are you gonna teach our kids?”

“Oh kids now? Plural? See, I rest my case…you’re the one who’s baby crazy.”

“Ridiculous.”

*******

So now things were really scary. Some time during the last hour he’d lost the ability to make a joke or any smart ass comment. When exactly was he supposed to fit them in? During that small window of time when she wasn’t exactly in pain but on the razor sharp edge of it? The edge so narrow that even outside of contraction, her brow still furrowed under a sheen of sweat.

All of the contractions were bad now, but some were worse than others it seemed. Initially he thought that the ones where she’d called out in obvious pain were the ones to worry about. But now he knew differently.

The silent ones that brought tears to her eyes were much harder to deal with. When she turned to him silently imploring him to do something – when all the while he could do absolutely less than nothing.

“I really don’t think I can do this Jim,” she whispered, almost conspiratorially so the nurse next to them wouldn’t hear. It reminded him of the times she’d suddenly thought maybe a prank they’d planned to pull on Dwight was a bit too harsh and then they’d have to back out. Only her voice was weaker, smaller…but still like there was a choice in this.

He said nothing in response. Not a ‘I know,’ or a ‘Yes you can,’ for both of those just seemed so trite. What the hell did he know about what she was going through. He could only lean his forehead lightly against hers as she fought through it. Kissing her for a moment right there on her forehead before positioning his head again.

He glanced up at the monitor. This one was really long.

Intellectually he knew why they were getting more intense. It had all been explained to them in the ob/gyn’s office when all of this had been brand new. When the idea that they were ‘having a baby’ had been nothing more than that: wow, a baby…us? Really? As the doctor had explained things they’d seemed so far off, so far removed from what had been going on in their daily lives.

They’d gotten married soon after they’d finally gotten a clue. Then suddenly without warning, they’d decided…yeah you know what – it would be pretty cool to raise someone together.

And now…here they were, and he wasn’t ready for this part. His heart wasn’t ready for this part.

“Honey you’re almost ready to go,” the nurse was saying as she finished examining Pam. “I’m going to make sure the doctor is ready.”

“That’d be…just peachy if he were ready,” Pam mustered as she drifted out of the contraction. The contractions were coming so quickly now though that she could barely feel any relief about this one being over. They rolled in seemingly on top of one another like breakers on a beach.

She shut her eyes, the drugs that they’d given her taking her quickly under before the next wave hit, but she felt him behind her. Felt his hands in her hair, pulling it away from the sticky skin of her neck. She heard him grab something from the night table next to them and then felt her hair get piled on top of her head. He was putting her hair up for her…

“I love you,” she mumbled as she slipped under. But then there was that building ache…

Jim sat behind her, his fingers lying against her shoulders, but not kneading this time. Earlier he’d tried massaging her shoulders, and she’d nearly killed him by quietly pleading, “Please don’t touch me right now.”

She hadn’t meant it as a slight, but it had only made him feel that much more useless than he already had.

A sound escaped her lips now that had him shutting his own eyes. What on Earth was taking the doctor so long?

Just as the thought entered his mind, the doctor entered the room…and things got even scarier.

*******

Pam made a face. “Poor thing…I think she’s gonna have my hair.”

Jim smiled as he lightly touched his baby’s head. His baby…wow. Their baby. He and Pam had a baby.

Their baby felt like silk…and she was so pink that she almost blended in with the blanket the nurse had wrapped her in. She squirmed jerkily for a moment, quickly flashed them a hint of midnight blue eyes, and then settled back in silently.

“Stop ragging on her hair Pam…” He lowered his voice and put his lips next to her tiny baby ears. “Daddy thinks it’s nice.”

“Daddy,” Pam repeated smiling at him. His eyes widened as if to say ‘I know, right? Can you believe it?’

Jim continued to gaze at his daughter for a long moment and then up at Pam, who held her against her chest. For a room that had been so absolutely panicked and stress filled just moments before, it was suddenly the most peaceful place on earth. Silence was not even the word for it, because silence seemed void of something. This was…this was more full than anything he’d ever felt in his life.

Pam’s eyes started to slowly shut.

Jim carefully eased his daughter out of her arms. Holding her wasn’t so scary…“I guess I should hold her before you drop her…Mommy’s on drugs, you should probably know that going in,” he said quietly.

Pam let her head roll against the pillow. “Suck it.”

“Hey…you have one more to answer…”

Pam groaned. “What?”

“We didn’t finish Would You Rather,” he said whispering so he wouldn’t wake the baby. He leaned close to Pam. “Come on…just one more.”

Pam opened her eyes long enough to capture the picture of them in her mind’s eye. Jim grinning like a crazy man as he glanced from the baby to her and then back again. She’d seen him smile before…but somehow – maybe it was the drugs…but she was pretty sure it wasn’t – somehow it was the best smile she’d ever seen. Here she’d thought his smiles were beyond compare…

She made a mental checklist of every facet of the picture they made. She’d paint this later.

“Ok…go…” she sighed drowsily.

“My yearbook picture used on the cover of the Dunder-Mifflin Newsletter complete with a detailed description of all my guilty pleasures including Laguna Beach - listed underneath…or…childbirth.”

Pam grinned and glanced lovingly at the bundle he had in his arms. She looked so impossibly tiny there. That wonderful little creature had been living inside her and now…Now she was here – their’s. Someone they’d made together.

Astonishing.

“That’s a tough one…”

“Definitely,” Jim said gazing down at their baby. “A toss up for sure…that’s what I thought.” He looked at Pam then. She was closer to sleep than anyone he’d ever seen, yet still alert enough to flicker her eyelids when he called her name again. “Pam…”

“Mmm…”

“So basically you get executive control of TIVO for like…the next 3 years…”

“Mmm…”

“I’ll see any chick-flick you want for the next year without any whining.”

“Nice,” she whispered sleepily.

“Creative control on all pranks played on Dwight.”

“Go on…”

“And I’ll pretend to be Michael with clients once every three weeks for the next 6 months –

“On any calls I like?”

“Obviously.”

*******

Pam had been blessedly asleep for 30 full minutes and the baby had been taken to the nursery. He already missed the company, so he went for a walk. Shoving his hands in his pockets he tried to process it all, but wow…

He followed the signs and ended up in the right place. Quickly he found his…because his well – was of course the cutest.

“Jill…that’s a great name.”

Jim looked up quickly. “Michael? What are you…” Jim looked at his watch. It was 6 a..m. They’d arrived at the hospital nearly 14 hours ago. “Did you stay here all night?”

“Not the whole time. I got a bite to eat at Chili’s…there’s one just down the street,” he said motioning with his thumb. “I love that place.”

Jim could only stare at him. “Michael that must’ve been hours ago. It’s morning.”

“Oh yeah, I know…but…Wow, you really did good – and Pam,” he said glancing at Jim then with tears in his eyes. “Congratulations.”

Wow. Jim shook his head. “Thank you.”

Pam’s eyelids grew heavy once again. She felt as if someone was literally trying to push them closed and she was rapidly losing the battle. Whether she was still groggy from the drugs, the shear exhaustion of childbirth or from having hauled around another human being inside of her for 9 months, she wasn’t sure. Whatever combination – it was kicking her butt.

She lay quietly in bed watching hazily as Jim cradled Jill in his arms. He sat with his back against the headboard and his legs stretched out in front of him on top of the comforter. 

It suddenly struck her anew how large his hands were. How long his arms were. Their baby was so much shorter than his forearm. So tiny…Those who didn’t know Jill Halpert had taken her sweet time coming into the world, might’ve thought she was a premie.

There had been a couple of false starts at labor, before the main event. Jim had lovingly referred to them as ‘practice runs’. Even now he was sure it was because of those practice runs that they hadn’t fallen apart hours ago in the midst of the real thing. That they’d kept their cool throughout the craziest experience that any human being could go through was a testament to practice runs...and that they were just that cool.

He’d kept his cool, Pam thought now. She wasn’t sure exactly what kind of raving, crying, lunatic she’d turned into at the end there…maybe they’d never speak about that.

She shut her eyes, but then forced them open again. When was that whole miraculous amnesia thing supposed to set in?

“Pam…” Jim said whispering as not to wake Jill. “You’re killing me…go to sleep.”

“I know,” she said groggily. “I just…I didn’t want to spend her first hours at home, asleep.”

“Why? She is,” Jim said nodding towards their sleeping girl. “The doctor…the books…everyone says you should sleep when she sleeps…remember?”

Pam nodded. “You’re sure the camera was working though right? When we first brought her inside…and when you got her out of the car?”

“20% sure…yes.”

No sooner had she giggled at his joke, then she reached out for his arm in pain. She bit down on her bottom lip as her fingernails bit into his skin. “Ow…don’t do that. Please don’t be charming right now.”

He made an equally wincing face and smoothed a hand over her arm. “Ow…Sorry……” He smiled at her. “It comes so natural Pam…sometimes I don’t know I’m doing it.”

When Pam only looked at him tiredly, he brought their sleeping baby close to his chest and bent carefully towards Pam’s head, placing a kiss there. “The camera worked Pam. Everything…worked.”

Pam smiled softly. “It did, didn’t it?”

“Yes,” he said smiling back at her. Her throat closed.

“Everything’s fine. Me and Jill are just gonna hang out…get to know each other a little…you get some rest…ok?”

Pam nodded even though she desperately wanted to be fully conscious for Jim’s first date with his daughter. But it was no use, her eyes were shutting already on their own accord. And maybe it was better this way…give them some time…

Jim watched Pam grimace in her sleep moments later when she tried moving. Her unconscious mind quickly decided against it. He looked down at the warm tiny bundle in his arms. It was the first time anyone had been in this bed aside from himself or Pam. It was the first time…for everything.

He was still getting to know Jill…but already she was perfect. The moment both everything and more than he imagined.

Gently and admittedly slightly nervously he smoothed a hand over her head. Not even really touching…just enough to feel her soft wavy brown hair. Hair that swirled around into one spot the way water did when it went down a drain. So that’s how hair started…

She was just this little pink face…with eyes that were the shape of her mother’s already. The color though…the doctors said that might change, but right now…now they were deep blue. Her mouth was his all the way.

He’d gotten teased for his big smile as a kid. Kids had called him bozo. On a girl though it’d probably be cute…It would have to be. If she got teased for any reason, he’d have to start beating up children…and having a father in prison who’d been put there for beating children probably wouldn’t be good for her rep.

He’d get Dwight to do it.

Jill fidgeted jerkily in his arms for a moment and his heart instantly leapt into his throat. “Ooooh…sssh…sorry…Dwight thoughts seeped through my fingers into your head…ssshh…we don’t wanna wake mommy…” Jill settled back into her sleep. Her expression smoothing much like her mothers had moments before. Jim smiled. “There ya go.”

So far he hadn’t had to deal with any crying on his own. Pam had woken up at the slightest peep when they’d been in the hospital.

All those high pitched sounds of pure agony did him in every time…Pam seemed to handle it like a pro though. He’d read somewhere that women sometimes developed an ear for which cries meant what. Hungry, tired, wet…

Logically he knew it was too soon for Pam to have figured that all out, but somehow in the hospital she’d seemed to know. She’d seemed to get it. He’d known that she was going to be a great mom, but now he was honestly a little afraid that he wouldn’t measure up.

He had to figure things out quickly. So this was good…Pam was asleep….he and Jilly were alone. This gave him the perfect opportunity to learn about his daughter. If she cried – she cried. He’d handle it. He’d have to take her out of the room or Pam would wake up too…

Let’s see, if she cried right now it probably wouldn’t be hunger right? Pam had fed her just 20 minutes ago, he thought looking at the clock on their nightstand.

It could be wet…could be poop…he thought back to when the nurse had shown them how to diaper her, careful of the little stump of a belly button that had yet to ‘fall off’…So freaking weird.

The thought kind of skeeved him out…Why on Earth did they have to wait for something to fall off?…It just didn’t seem right.

“At least you’re not a boy,” Jim whispered. “Or that thought woulda been even scarier.”

When she cried…he’d be fine. If Pam could do it – he could do it. He nodded resolutely and realized he was holding the baby across his lap like a loon, so as gently as he could, he slipped one hand under her neck and head, one under her bottom and hoisted her up to his shoulder.

She was warm and little and when he put his hand on her small back and felt it move up and down, something inside of him welled up.

And she didn’t cry.

Wow…

“Her head is not supposed to do that.”

Pam pursed her lips together and held her child’s head up as she smoothed a miniature wash cloth over her little, pink body. Jim watched, poured, and provided commentary.

“Daddy doesn’t mean to hurt your feelings,” Pam said. “He just…doesn’t understand a whole lot about babies…Pour.”

Jim grinned and followed the instruction to pour water down Jill’s rounded belly. She squirmed and his grin widened. “If you’re saying that I don’t understand how a head can roll around like that and still be technically attached, then you are correct Pam – I do not understand.”

Pam shook her head. “It’s not rolling around and it’s not independent from the rest of her.”

“I think it is.”

“You’re wrong.”

“Pam…somewhere on her body there’s a secret button…if you push it – her head comes off…or we take a trip to Narnia. I’m not sure.”

Pam laughed so hard her hands jiggled around in the water and Jill’s eyes flew open wide.

“Whoa…Pam…calm down,” Jim said, sticking his own hands in the water, sliding them beneath Pam’s to support the baby. “You’re startling our child…She’s sorry Jilly,” he added as an aside. “As you’ll notice, I was making an educated guess as to what’s going on with your head. Your mother on the other hand was laughing…at you.”

Jill smiled a slow satisfied smile and wiggled like a little fish in their hands. He focused on her eyes for a minute and he knew that smile was real. Just knew it. She was unbelievable.

Just then, bubbles surfaced on the water. “Aw, gas…like her daddy.”

“Like her mommy,” Jim corrected. “Chili at midnight anyone?”

“One time Jim! And I was pregnant…does not count.”

“On the contrary Pam….it counts….it’s probably why her head’s like that in the first place…Are you happy?”

She elbowed him gently and then smoothed her fingers over her baby’s tiny little shoulders, dashing soap suds away. “Pour please….”

Jim poured and made faces at their baby.

“Will you hold her ‘rolly’ head while I grab her towel, please?” Pam asked, shifting to the side a bit so that Jim could replace her hands with his. He nodded and slipped in seamlessly.

Standing in front of the small pink bathtub that they’d cradled inside the kitchen sink; Jim looked down at his daughter. She was so incredibly slippery that he had to adjust his grip every time she made a move.

God the things he thought about these days…The fact that he was giving his kid a bath in the first place was completely surreal.

He stage whispered, “Listen, it’s nothing to be ashamed of…really. You may grow up to be a Bobble Head, but that’s ok. Think of it this way…absolutely no debate over who gets shot-gun. You’re it baby….That’s nothing to scoff at. It’s a good life.”

“Stop it!” Pam called from the other room. “I don’t want her thinking she’s going to be sitting on Dwight’s desk or his dashboard!”

“Wow…Mommy has got bionic hearing,” Jim whispered then. “Bionic hearing, really bad gas…a drug problem – hence your bobbling head…but rest assured, Dwight will never… ever meet you...ever.”

Pam took the opportunity to swat Jim on the butt with a real towel, while carrying the baby’s softer one, on her shoulder.

Jim lurched forward dramatically. He turned to face her as she giggled heartily behind her hand. “Beesly…the only reason you felt even the ittiest little bit safe enough to do that is because I’m holding this child…do you even know how on it is later?”

“You won’t swat me with a towel,” Pam sighed matter of factly.

“Um…I will indeed.”

“No you won’t.”

“Wow…unmerited cockiness.”

“I prefer to call it confidence Jim. I mean…the first and last time you swatted me was the first time you made me dinner – other than a grilled cheese – I made a simple observation that instant mashed potatoes were not the same as “homemade mashed potatoes” and then you swatted me…”

He nodded proudly. “And I will do it again”

“No,” she said shaking her head. “I pretended to cry and you stopped.”

Jim looked at her, mouth agape. “You pretended to cry.”

She only shrugged and smiled at him.

He turned away, making a face at their child that clearly said ‘Can you believe your mommy?’ and then turned back to Pam. “Obviously…you can’t be trusted.”

She leaned against his shoulder, biting her lip. “You have to wrap her in this, put the hood on, and just kind of pat dry.”

“Pretty sure I’ve got the routine down there, Spock…besides, that’s the way I do it myself. So...”

“You just wrap yourself up and then pat?”

“Obviously Pam…you don’t get skin like mine from rubbing carelessly.”

Pam smiled and nodded. “Good to know…You can be in charge of everything dermatological with the baby from now on.”

“Yeah…the one who pretends to cry is giving me permission,” Jim said, shaking his head in mock indignation.

Pam watched quietly as Jim carefully wrapped their daughter up in her towel with bunnies all over it. He hoisted her up on his shoulder and patted gently. Snuggling a little to keep her warm. God…

See, the truth was he was already an expert at all of it. It was both sexy as hell and annoying at the same time.

A lot of it seemed to come naturally to him for some reason, while Pam felt she needed to read a book about most of it. Which was fine…but she did find herself a little jealous of the knack that Jim just seemed to have innately.

“What?” He asked feeling her eyes on him. “I’m not really mad at you…even if you are a liar.” He gestured towards the baby then, “You made me something…so….”

“No…I know…I just…” Her voice trailed off and she smiled wistfully up at him.

“What?” He asked grinning back at her. “What?”

“Nothing,” she said grinning as she leaned against his shoulder for a moment, staring up at the both of them. “You’re just really unattractive right now.”

Jim lifted his eyebrows. “That’s not nice Pam….Is it the baby weight?”

Pam laughed out loud and held out her arms. “Gimme…we’ll talk about how cute you are later.”

“No,” Jim said shifting so that his back was to Pam.

“Jim come on…You do this every time!”

“Oh I do this every time!? Like it’s cheating at scrabble? Pam…Piedonarcalepsy is a word for when your foot falls asleep. It’s not my fault if you’ve never heard of it.”

“Jim, givehertome,” Pam said in mock seriousness through her teeth, as he stepped away from her. Holding the baby close and carefully…like a bomb. He moved towards the refrigerator.

“No…it’s my turn Pam...Besides you can’t be trusted.”

“Jim…I have to feed her…come on!”

His head fell back dramatically. “Uh….do you have to use that every time? Pam it just comes off as lazy. The whole ‘I Have Breasts’ card…it’s just so played out.”

“Ha! I win the baby!” Pam exclaimed taking Jill. She bounced her up and down a little. “Listen…I’ll let you diaper and burp her if you want.”

“Wow…so sweet,” he said with his voice going hoarse. He followed behind them both as they made their way towards the nursery. Leaving the bath clean up for later, when Jill was sleeping.

“Somebody’s gotta take care of the burping and the pooping…I nominate you.”

“That is so gracious.”

Pam nodded slightly. “I know Jim…don’t get sloppy about it ok?”

Jim held out his arms behind Pam and made faces at their child. “Jilly…come on, you want to stay with daddy don’t you?”

From the first day they’d gotten Jill home he’d started ‘doing’ her voice. When she’d woken from her nap that evening he’d already developed an impression of someone he’d never even heard. “Yes Daddy I want to stay with you…Mommy just wants to hog me all to herself…but I want you Daddy! Save me from Beesly!”

Pam grinned in amusement as she laid Jill down on the changing table to diaper her. Jim reached for a fresh diaper and the baby powder on the top shelf.

“Jill’s calling me Beesly now?”

“This time Pam…this time. You shoulda heard what she called you when you were out of the room…But that’s what happens when you refuse to discipline…so…”

“Oh really? How do you suggest I…you know…discipline her for saying rude things about me?” Pam asked, the team effort at diapering completed, she moved towards the rocking chair, preparing to feed Jill.

Jim watched as Pam sat down. “No breast feeding…at all. That’d sure as hell be enough for me to learn.”

She only shook her head. “You’re horrible.”

“She’s the one who called you Equestraphobic.”

“Excuse me?”

“Donkey hater,” Jim said as if it were a far gone conclusion.

Pam looked down at their daughter, who eagerly wiggled closer to her breast, her sucking reflex kicking into effect. “I can’t believe she’d say that.”

“She’s not blind Pam.”

Pam leaned back in her chair. Jim knelt down next to them, watching. Yet another thing to marvel at. Bobbling heads…breast feeding…what kind of world was he living in these days?

It was a far cry from the world where he held his heart in his hands and begged her to take it on Casino Night; that was for sure. Now he got his heart squeezed so tightly every day…by the both of them…that he couldn’t breathe. And he wouldn’t have traded that sensation for anything.

Moments passed by before either one them spoke again.

He finally whispered. “She is the best baby ever.”

Pam’s fingers linked with Jim’s on the chair’s arm. “It’s a good thing we made her.”

“Very good….I’ll try not to fight you for her.”

Pam nodded and thought for a moment. “I can’t make that promise Jim.”

“Fair enough.”

Jim took a seat in the conference room and smiled at the camera man. “Um…yeah, it’s kinda weird being back. I took some time off to be with Pam and the baby…emergency vacation time…Paternity Leave…whatever,” he said grinning widely. “And interestingly enough the day I come back…it’s Bring Your Daughter to Work Day…so…Did I time it that way?” Jim leaned forward responding to the interviewer’s question. “Actually, no…but…I’m pretty excited about it,” he said grinning. “Pam’s gonna bring Jill in around lunch time just so everyone can see her. I figure that’s good…that way I don’t go too crazy with the photographs…It’s gonna be good.” He finished, his smile telling the story of how much better than good he thought it was going to be. He was in fact way too excited for his own good.

After his Talking Head, Jim got up and settled in at his desk. He logged on to his terminal and took a deep breath. What he’d told the interviewer was totally true, it was weird being back.

He’d read somewhere about women who experienced separation anxiety after Maternity Leave…he was pretty sure he’d be alright, but the restlessness that he felt only an hour into his workday could not be a good sign.

Oddly it seemed that the more he tried to busy himself, the more slowly the hours ticked by. And sales calls were hard to make when all you really wanted to do was call home again and say “Oh hey…put her on the phone and tell me what face she’s making when I make the sound where I blow through my closed lips…Oh she’s making that face? Really? That’s hilarious. Ok, tell me what face she’s makes when I do…”

That could quite literally go on forever if he let it. Once he’d had to go and pick Mark up from the airport and there’d been a flight delay. Jim had sat in the airport parking lot for nearly two hours on his cell with his wife and his pre-verbal daughter. 

By mid morning, the only saving graces for Jim were Toby’s daughter Sasha and Kevin’s step daughter, Abby. The latter, adamant that she had to see yet another picture of Jill and then another. He remembered his recent promise to himself, but who was he to deny the girl something she obviously wanted.

Abby especially liked the one of Jill sitting behind a large children’s book, with two little feet peaking out from beneath. She was dwarfed by the literature she was casually perusing.

“So are you reading to her?” Abby asked, every bit the scholarly preteen.

Jim shook his head soberly. “No. She’s pretty cute so…no need to make her smart too.”

When the girl looked at him in shock, he quickly cleared things up. “I’m kidding…of course, yes. Do you have any specific recommendations?”

She leaned against his desk in serious thought mode. “Um…Green Eggs and Ham.”

“Seriously? A Seuss fan?”

“Well not now,” she said, making sure that was cleared up. “But I used to be. Besides, they say that you should read kids books that rhyme…it helps them learn how to read…or something.”

“Wow…do you…I mean do you want Jill because we’re actually tired of her already…She cries a lot so…”

She frowned.

“Again…Totally kidding.”

“Oh,” she said and then smiled. “Oh well…did you want me to do some work for you?”

Jim glanced at the mountain of work on his desk. Who was he kidding? There was no way he was going to get through all of that today…and he really had no desire to.

“Yes.”

“Your first day back and already you’re slacking?” Dwight asked, sitting across from him. “Little girl…he’s not a good example for you. You should be talking to me about sales……and by the way – Green Eggs and Ham do not exist.”

“And that’s why it’s called fiction,” Jim said, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back.

Now this he’d actually kind of missed. Not Dwight himself of course…but just the fun of getting to mess with him.

“Well that’s not the kind of thing I’d want my daughter reading,” Dwight said pointedly. “God help yours.”

Jim leaned forward. “Whoa…I do not think you’re qualified to make judgments.”

“Um, yes I am Jim.”

“No.”

“I have many brothers and sisters and I helped raise them with my parents, single-handedly. So…”

Jim looked pointedly at the camera before responding. “Well it is good to know that you, Dwight K. Schrute helped raise them single-handedly…What kinds of books did your parents read to you?”

“Among classics like Streubel Peter, they also made sure I knew the basic truths of life Jim…

“Which are?”

“Kill or be killed, survival of the fittest…if you don’t have anything nice to say – lie.”

“That is not the expression.”

“It should be…Little girl, come do my filing,” Dwight said, finally addressing Abby.

Her entire face contorted. “No.”

Dwight shook his head and smiled slowly. “Interesting that you attract the disobedient ones Jim…I’m sure that’s how you’re child will turn out.”

Jim looked at Abby for a moment, and then nodded, “God willing.”

Dwight only sighed.

That had been fun for awhile, and occasionally Michael or Ryan would come over and ask him what it was like to be back, but most of all Jim spent those morning hours glancing up at the clock.

At exactly 11:45 he rubbed his hands together expectantly…ridiculously. As if someone were bringing in a Thanksgiving turkey. Pam said she’d be coming with Jill around noon. As soon as she woke up from her nap…

He pulled his digital camera from the drawer under his desk, and slid the lens cap open; wanting to be ready. There were already about 50 photos saved on it that needed to be developed.

He was turning into the world’s biggest dork.

But none of that mattered when the door opened and there Pam was, Jill in her arms…Roy by her side.

Jim put the camera down. That was not a photo op.

Time seemed to stop as Jim watched Roy make goofy faces at his kid, behind Pam’s back. Waving his finger in her face back and forth. Jim stood up, tucking his bottom lip between his teeth.

“Hey,” Pam said grinning from ear to ear. At Jim’s stony expression, she frowned. “What’s wrong?”

He silently shook his head. “Nuthin’…good to see you,” he said dashing a quick kiss against her forehead.

Pam frowned, but realized only a split-second later exactly what the problem was. She glanced behind her at Roy and then back to Jim. “He -

“Paaaaaaaam, how the heck are ya?” Michael asked, coming out of his office. “Oh look at this cutie,” he said shaking his head. He held out his arms and Pam reluctantly passed him the baby. “Come on…come to papa,” Michael was saying. “Well not really papa, because Pam and I have never had sex. Nor, have I ever thought of her that way,” he said quickly glancing at Roy. He shook his head as if to clear the fog and glanced at Jim instead.

Pam shut her eyes for a moment. Wow…from bad to worse in literally two seconds. She felt back at home already.

Dwight stayed seated, but spoke from his perch. “That wasn’t what you said when we bought the breast pump Michael. You said that you’d like to –

“Just…shuuut it,” Michael said quickly. He turned his attention back to the baby.

Jim was still quiet and Roy was still making faces at Jill behind Michael’s back. God…

This didn’t have to turn into a big deal does it Jim, Pam thought to herself. The Roy thing hadn’t been an issue for over a year now. Well sometimes it was…like the time they’d gotten into a fight over her email address which had only been a ruse. Jim’s real issue had been Roy talking to her in the first place.

“Roy saw us outside,” she explained as casually as she could. “He helped me bring in all this gear,” she said motioning to the diaper bag on his shoulder.

Jim shrugged and turned towards Roy, but she knew that shrug. It wasn’t as casual as it looked. In fact she was pretty sure he’d just thought ‘whatthefuckever’

“I got that…thanks,” Jim said pulling the diaper bag away from Roy. He looped it over his own arm.

Pam smiled half-heartedly at Roy. He’d been really nice to help her into the building and then to hold the elevator doors for her while others had gotten off on their way to lunch in the city.

“Thanks I –

“No worries,” Roy answered quickly. She watched as he glanced at Jim and then back to her. He was no dummy, he knew what the score was. She found herself suddenly very grateful for the new and improved Roy. Gracious Roy.

There’d been a brief time when he and Jim had not been allowed in the same room. Were they going back to that?

I gotta get back to the warehouse anyway,” Roy explained. “It was nice to see you Pammy…and you too,” he said making a silly face at Jill. “See ya Halpert,” he said much more soberly.

Jeez…Pammy? Pam thought. Had that been a subtle dig at Jim? That he knew her in a completely different way? In a way that allowed him to call her Pammy?

God, weren’t they over this?

Jim only nodded slightly in response to Roy’s goodbye. No thank you’s, no nothing. There wasn’t even a moment to discuss it however, as a crowd had already started to develop around her and the baby…and Michael.

Everyone was anxious to see Jill…except apparently her father.

She watched as Jim slowly slid to the outer reaches of the circle and suddenly felt horrible inside. She’d missed him so much all morning long. Their first morning apart in weeks…

This wasn’t the way this afternoon was supposed to go. Something in her stomach turned over and she recognized it as a new emotion. Not disappointment like she’d always felt with Roy, but…anger. Maybe because her expectations had been so high for today, maybe because she’d come to expect more from him? Maybe that wasn’t fair…

But it was how she felt.

Jim sat down at his desk for a moment, collecting himself. He knew he was overreacting. No one had to tell him that. But she could have just called him if she needed help...could have called his cell phone, said “Hey Jim, I’m downstairs…come help me out.”

She didn’t have to ask Roy…

It was a beyond ridiculous, the jealousy that rose up from his gut. He knew that…he knew that.

But that wasn’t the point. This was his day! His and Pam’s BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY.

He watched Michael laugh at something, and then lean in towards Jill. He smiled at her and she did that thing where she started waving her arms around like she was getting ready to take off in flight. Everyone cracked up.

“Look at that…already…I kill…even newborns think I’m hilarious,” Michael said shaking his head as he glanced up at the cameras. “I mean it’s really something…”

“Yeah…it’s something alright,” Stanly quipped. “I think it’s gas.”

Jim felt Pam’s eyes on him, but he didn’t turn to look at her.

Ryan came to stand next to his desk, effectively blocking his peripheral view. “Halpert you have no idea how much I have to thank you for this. Now…for at least a month,” he said with mock enthusiasm. “I’m going to hear about nothing but babies non-stop. It will be the topic of every conversation and every longing glance…thank you – so much!”

Jim only stared at him for a moment. What the hell did he want him to do about it? Break up with her then you idiot.

“Sorry?” He said finally.

Ryan sighed and walked away.

As everyone bombarded Pam with questions – how are you feeling, how long was labor, what’s it like being a mommy…Jim eased towards the kitchen, grabbed his ham and cheese…and stayed there to eat it.

Pam had taken the baby home soon after. She’d come in to the kitchen, quickly let him know she was leaving and then she and Jill had left the way they’d come.

And there you had it. The biggest fuck up of their marriage history to date. In fact, probably since they’d been a couple period. It had finally happened.

Jim’s knew that one of his greatest strengths was that he had a pretty high level of self-awareness. He knew who he loved, knew he was sharp, and knew when he was being an ass…One of his greatest weakness however, was that he wasn’t always able to stop mid-stream. Once he felt something – he felt it. He had always been full steam ahead...on every emotion since he’d been a kid.

Michael walked into the kitchen at the height of Jim’s pity party. “Your baby’s cute Jim…good job. I mean not that you really did anything other than scr–

“Thanks Michael,” Jim said cutting him off. He tapped his finger on the table a couple of times absently as Michael got a soda out of the vending machine. He really wasn’t in the mood for this.

And for that reason, Michael chose to sit down next to him. “One more…for the road,” he said popping the top on a grape soda…Almost quittin’ time.”

Jim smiled. “Well it’s not…it’s not really for the road if you’re still…you know…sitting here.”

Michael smiled. “That’s just a figure of speech Jim. Nobody really…you know……Aaaanyway,” he said glancing through the windows of the break room. “Pissed about Roy? Man…I would be too. But, you know…you got the girl.”

Jim glanced at the camera. “Michael I don’t really want to -

“Just…you know…don’t be an ass.” Michael said and stood up, taking his grape soda with him.

Jim just stared after him as the door shut. “Wow...a new low.”

~~~~~~~~

When Jim drove home after work that evening, he knew he had some major apologizing to do. She had every right to be pissed at him.

Typically, they argued over stupid things. Things that one or both of them had blown way out of proportion. It would start out as someone saying something sarcastic (Them? Of course not), but because the other was already feeling sensitive about something it wouldn’t go over as humor, but as an attack. Then all hell would break loose. They’d both raise their voices and then they’d glare at each other for a few minutes…maybe slam some things around…then one of them would inevitably realize how stupid they’d been and that person would crack a joke that signaled the beginning of the end….Making out would commence…or at the very least uncontrollable laughter.

When he walked into their apartment this evening the silence was deafening. No kiddy music coming from the living room or adult music coming from the kitchen where Pam liked to listen to it when she cooked.

He stopped first in the nursery. Jill was sleeping, her belly rising and falling silently. He leaned down to press a gentle kiss to her nose.

Turning back into the hall, the lights were off in most of the apartment. When he got to their bedroom she was lying on her side of the bed. Napping?

Sleep when the baby sleeps…good. It would also give him even more time to formulate the ‘I’m an Ass – Please Forgive Me’ speech. The time in the car hadn’t seemed quite enough.

He shrugged out of his jacket and folded it over the arm of the chair in the corner. He toed off his shoes and quietly slid them into place at the bottom of their closet the way she liked.

Silently he lay next to her, careful not to make the bed move too much…

But that’s when he realized she wasn’t asleep at all. She was laying there, her eyelids flickered once and he saw her dash a hand across her cheeks. The street light from outside, caught at exactly the right angle and he could tell instantly that she’d been crying.

With a pained expression he reached for her. “Hey –

She pulled away before he made contact, and rolled to a sitting position before quickly making her way to her feet. “I made dinner…but I think I actually…I might’ve burned it a little…the timer went off when I was feeding Jill,” she said, the entire time walking out of their bedroom.

Jim got to his feet and followed. “Pam…I’m sorry.”

She ignored him and pulled a two plates down from the cupboard. “Salad too?” She asked moving to the dark wooden salad bowl that they’d gotten for a wedding present from Kelly.

Jim stepped close, so close that Pam couldn’t quite maneuver her way around the kitchen. “Hey…come on, don’t do this……You know I don’t care about dinner…”

She pursed her lips and shifted around him or better stated pushed her way around him. “Well I do. I’m hungry…so…”

“Pam, listen I know I messed up. Bad….I know,” he said stepping in front of her again. “And I wish I could give you some big lofty reason why…but there isn’t one. The only reason I have is pure, unadulterated jealousy. I just couldn’t take seeing him with you…with the both of you.”

When she finally made eye contact with him there were ripe tears in her eyes. The kind that blind you, but you refuse to let fall. “Forget it.”

He frowned as she moved to the stove to slap some tuna casserole on her plate. “Pam…I know I was ridiculous today. I know that…let me have it for God’s sake.”

Without warning she launched her plate at the refrigerator and it cracked in what seemed like a million little pieces. There was porcelain and tuna casserole all over the floor…And it was a relief.

Jim took a breath. “Well…I wasn’t really in the mood for tuna anyway…so…”

“The plate wasn’t for you. It was for….me,” she sighed and burst into tears.

He shut his eyes and moved towards her, slipping his hand under her hair and letting his fingertips rest on the nape of her neck. Pam rested her head against his chest.

“I am….so sorry,” he said again. His voice soft.

She nodded silently against his chest, sniffling. “I just…I had this idea in my head of what today would be like…it’s stupid I know…but the image in my head was not that.”

“It’s not stupid,” he said pulling back slightly. His hands on her face as he looked at her. “Me too,” He brought her back to him and kissed the top of her head. His lips lingered there as he spoke. “I should have been there with you, but instead I just…I don’t know…I let my own stupid insecurities get the best of me.”

“Jim you wouldn’t even look at me.”

“I know…and I’m sorry that –

The baby started to cry and Pam pulled away from the warmth of Jim’s arms, moving quickly towards the nursery.

Jim braced himself against the kitchen counter for a moment, pressing his fingertips against his eyes to stave off his own tears. If there was one thing he absolutely could not take, it was Pam’s tears.

He blew a sigh out heavily through his mouth and started pulling off his tie as he made his way towards the nursery. Mother and child were already in the rocker together, Pam singing, ‘Love Fool’ in a somewhat out of tune voice. She wouldn’t meet his eyes, so he knelt down next to them. He knew he’d never done anything in his life to get this lucky…but somehow he had anyway.

She spoke after a long moment, as the baby quieted. “I needed help and I let him help me. You know me better than to think anything else.”

“I do…I absolutely do…and I didn’t think anything. I trust you completely Pam,” Jim reached out for her again, rubbing his thumb across her hand as she rocked Jill.

“So then why…”

“Pam…this is gonna sound…so unbelievably…”

“Just say it”

“All I kept thinking was – get the hell away from them – they’re mine. They belong to me…I was like a pouting little kid who’s toys just got taken by the big bully next door.”

She frowned at him. “Jim –

“I know…I know. I told you it was gonna sound ridiculous and old-fashioned and stupid…but I can’t help how I feel. And every time I see Roy….Wow, Pam it’s like I turn into somebody I don’t even know…And it’s not…I mean on one level he and I are cool, but on another…I just…”

“How did you…” Pam let her voice trail off as she shook her head.

“What?”

“How did you…I mean you were never…You were always so in control before –

“Before I was with you? Well…yeah Pam. Obviously. I mean for God’s sake…if I knew then what I know now…”

She shook her head. “Know what?”

“Know what it’s like for Roy,” he said as if it made the most sense in the world. How could she not understand this? “Pam…that guy is hating every millisecond of his life.”

“Jim he is not. He’s perfectly fine.”

Jim smiled at her. “Come on Pam…or I’m sorry, should I say Pammy,” Jim said pausing as she made a face. “Trust me on this Pam. There’s no way he could go from being with you…to not being with you…and not want to…” he shook his head. She didn’t need to hear this, but at the same time she did. “He may say he’s alright. He says he’s over it all…I honestly don’t see how.”

She smiled a little and shook her head. “You’re…I’m really not ready to forgive you yet.”

“Well, what I did today was pretty much unforgivable so…”

“Pretty much,” she said nodding.”

“Pam…I will never, ever take that stuff out on you and Jill again.”

She made a face that clearly said ‘don’t make promises you can’t keep.’

But he did anyway. “It won’t ever happen again.”

Pam smiled softly and shifted the baby higher on her shoulder.

“Is she asleep?”

She nodded. “I don’t think she likes it when I throw plates.”

Jim lifted Pam’s hand, pressing a kiss to her knuckles. “Yeah.”

Jim figured that continuing to get comfortable after a long day at work was probably not a wise decision right then. Not when he expected smoke to come out of Pam’s ears at any moment. He stopped pulling his tie lose and left it hanging there at his neck.

“Pam…calm down. We’ll figure it out.”

Pam shook her head and paced back and forth with Jill in her arms, pulling her baby blanket more tightly around her. “I already figured it out Jim…she hates me.”

“Pam.”

“Jim…she’s been crying for close an hour and a half now and you haven’t been here so don’t Pam me.”

Jim held up his hands. “Whoa…did you or did you not call me at work and ask me to pick up some groceries on the way home?”

“I know, I just,” Pam’s words caught on the lump in her throat. “She won’t stop Jim…at first I thought maybe she was sick…but she doesn’t have a fever…I fed her, I changed her diaper, I tried singing…”

“Did you try the movement thing?”

“What the heck do you think I’m doing right now!” Pam spat, as she shifted from foot to foot and bounced a bit a bit furiously. “It’s making it worse!”

With eyebrows lifted, Jim nodded. “A car ride?”

“Yes,” Pam whispered then, barely able to talk because she was about to start crying herself. “Nothing. She calmed down for a few minutes but then she was right back at again.”

“Can I hold her?” Jim said holding out his arms.

Pam scowled. “Right…I forgot – the magic touch.”

“Wow…do you want her to stop crying or do you want to compare parenting technique right now? I’m trying to help here.”

Pam stopped pacing and gently handed her towards Jim who tried smiling at Jill, but the red-faced baby seemed to scream even louder. Pam covered her face with her hands and slowly moved to the couch, dropping down on the sofa in pure exhaustion.

When Jill continued to cry, Jim laughed a little. “Well…apparently I’m not so magic, you’ll be happy to know.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Pam said on a sigh as she shut her eyes. “I’m just…”

“Tired, I know.” Jim said glancing over at Pam. He’d started back to work just a couple of weeks before and he could tell that being alone with Jill all day was starting to take its toll.

Pam rattled off all the things she’d tried as Jim moved around their small apartment. “I called the doctor…she’s not warm…” Pam said again, reiterating what she’d already told him.

“No, she’s not…” Jim whispered as he gazed at his daughter. “It’ss ok…Sssh…” Jim said, strolling around their apartment in a complete state of calm. As if the child in his arms weren’t screaming her lungs out. “Yeah…tough day huh?...Wow, I can’t imagine. Must be really hard being a newborn…People play with you, you’ve got your own personal baby gym…people feed you – with breasts.”

At that he heard Pam chuckle from the living room and he breathed an inward sigh of relief. Even if her laughter held a bit of a hysterical edge, at least it had served to cut the tension a bit.

The baby still cried. “People bathe you, people change you, sing you to sleep in scary falsetto tones…Oh, what’s that? You say you want a soul stirring rendition of Love Fool?...Ok, will do…but you’re gonna have to be quiet to hear it…”

“Love me, love me, say that you love me……need me, need me…”

By the second verse, Jill started to quiet down. Still crying slightly, but not at the same earth shattering decibel she’d been at just moments before.

Jim lowered his voice to a near whisper. “I can’t care ‘bout anything but you….anything but you….” He said doing a little two-step then.

Jill was rapidly calming down. Hiccups started to wrack her little body. “Oooh…I know…all that crying is tough work……Love me, love me….say that you love me…go on and fool me…I know that you need me…”

Pam turned her head on the ledge of the couch, watching where Jim slow danced around in the kitchen. Their baby got quieter by the second in response to Jim’s voice. Pam looked up at the ceiling, a mental picture of their first date, popping into her head. Dancing Jim did the trick for females the world over.

“Definitely my daughter.”

Jim threw a whisper at Pam. “Her eyes are already starting to get heavy.”

Pam nodded. “Of course they are.”

“Seriously Pam…how could you not glean the fact that she wanted to hear Love Fool? What’s wrong with you?”

She glared at him.

“Oh come on…cut it out…You got her to sleep yesterday when she was all gassy. Who knew babies liked belly massages? I didn’t….And who wants to give her one when she’s gassy anyway,” he finished making a face. “She was like a crying whoppee cushion.”

When Pam said nothing in response, but tears clouded her eyes, Jim walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. He sat down next to Pam. One of his arms full of Jill and the other now around his wife’s shoulders.

“Hey…come on…Pam…you’re a great mom.”

She nodded silently, just before completely crumbling. Her hand trembled as she covered her eyes.

“Th – this is what I knew would ha-happen…”

Jim shook his head and pulled her close. “Pam…”

“Kids j-just d-don’t like meee.”

Both of the women in Jim’s life got worked up simultaneously.  Jill started shifting around again, her face contorting and Jim started to sing quietly, “Love me…love me…”

Jill’s little pink eyelids quickly became heavy again and in a matter of moments she was asleep. Jim laid her on the blanket next to them on the couch, smoothing a hand over her back.

Pam was trying to catch her breath.

“Pam…”

“I know, I’m being ridiculous…and I’m just…”

“Come here,” he said and she leaned against his shoulder. He kissed her forehead. “I promise I will not ever leave you alone with our child again. It’s obvious that you just can’t handle it.”

“Stop it. Don’t make me laugh right now. I don’t want to laugh. I want to feel sorry for myself. I’m just so tired Jim and my hair is a mess, and I haven’t showered yet today.”

“I would be happy to help you take care of that right now…” The look she shot him cut that statement in half. “Just kidding,” he said, a bit wounded.

“I’m sorry,” she said, tears filling her eyes again. God, she hadn’t quite been herself in ages it seemed. Her emotions always a little too close to the surface. She knew that sometimes it took awhile for your hormones to get back under control, but sometimes she felt like she had a split personality. She was always either over the moon about her new life…or it was driving her batty.

She looked at Jim and tossed up her hands, as if what had just happened had yet again gone to prove the point of how horrible she was. “And see…you wanna have sex, and I’m being a bad wife. A bad mom and a bad wife.”

Jim made a face, and used the hand that was curled around her shoulders to pull her bangs away from her eyes. “Come on. You know I don’t care about that…I mean I care, of course I care. But it’s not like…” he shook his head. “I’m gonna wait as long as I need to wait. It’s not like you had your tonsils taken out……If I were you I’m guessing I’d be a little…you know…gunshy.”

“Is that what we’re calling it?” She asked, dabbing at her red nose.

“Well that’s what I’ve always called it Pam…but nobody’s ever really gotten on board with calling it that so…”

Her mouth quirked upward for a moment in a slow smile. It had been over six weeks since she’d had Jill and all the books and the doctors said that around six weeks was when you could “resume” regular activity. Well Pam didn’t feel much like resuming anything at all.

Jim searched her eyes and realized he wasn’t going to get anywhere on that specific topic. She was pretty determined to beat herself up at the moment. “Listen, what do you say we put Jill in her crib and you and me just curl up here on the couch and watch some really bad television? I’m talking Laguna Beach the real OC…or wait, no…I can run out and rent something scary and we’ll just –

She shook her head. “No…I just…I think I’ll just go to bed if you don’t mind. Turn in early.”

“Pam…come on…I - …..Oooh, I know what! Go see your mom!”

Pam frowned at the odd segway. “What?”

“Go hang out with your mom tonight…sleepover. You’re mom’ll be psyched. Me and Jill will just hang out.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, no…seriously.”

“No,” Pam said shaking her head. “I can’t just show up there…and I can’t leave Jill. I’ve never…”

Jim almost shook her. “Yeah, you barely leave this apartment during the week, especially to do anything that doesn’t involve something for Jill. I go to the office, I run the errands, I do most everything that involves leaving here since she was born Pam. It’s time. You need out. You need out or you’re gonna explode…and then I’ll explode…and then Jill will have no parents…and then Michael and Dwight will try and raise her…much like a pack of wolves might.”

Pam smiled. “What am I gonna do at my mom’s? She’s just gonna wanna see Jill anyway…”

“Nope, tell her I wouldn’t give her up…What’s the point of your mom having moved closer, if you don’t take advantage of it?...Go hang out. Do girl stuff…bitch about me.”

“I don’t bitch about you…You’re perfect.”

“Well that’s not true, but I appreciate the sentiment…..Pam,” he said twirling one of her curls around his fingertip. “Go.”

“Jim I’m breastfeeding. I can’t just –

“Did you pump? Do we have bottles?”

“Yes, but not enough for –

“Pump one more and go woman.”

“Jim she’s not gonna be happy with bottles all night. She’s gonna want me.”

“Understandable………you still need to go.”

“She’s going to scream bloody murder like she was all day today and Love Fool is not gonna cut it when she’s hungry. Mr. Jensen is gonna come up here again and tell you that you have to be quiet because he’s napping for the thousandth time. The man naps more than our newborn.”

Jim lifted his eyebrows. Their downstairs neighbor got on his last nerves, especially since he’d started harassing them about Jill’s crying. It wasn’t like she cried all the time! She just had her bad days…like everybody else.

“Did he come back today?”

Pam nodded. Jim sighed, but a smile graced his features just seconds later.

“Jim don’t do anything to him.”

“Why would I do anything to him Pam? Why would I have to, when his paper boy has tragically bad aim?”

“Jim –

“Pam, it’s just bad hand-eye coordination. Don’t judge him.”

“Jim if you break his window he’s going to know that it was –

Jim made a face and held up his hands. “Whoa…I was not suggesting that his paper boy engage in vandalistic behavior.”

“Vandalistic?” Pam said giggling.

“I just think that if the paper ends up in his tree…again…Well then maybe he should have baked something special for the paper boy on Christmas…that’s all.”

Pam stared at him for a moment. “I love you.”

“Well absence makes the heart grow fonder…so go to your mom’s for an hour, preferably three, then come home.”

“Why don’t we all go?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because you need a break from her,” Jim said pointing towards their sleeping infant, “And…unexplainably me.”

“I don’t.”

“Uh, yes you do. Go.”

Pam snuggled against him, curling one arm around his waist. “You’re just dying to get rid of me aren’t you?”

“Yes Pam.”

“What will you do?”

“I’m teaching her poker tonight.”

“Really? Um…shouldn’t I be teaching her that?”

“Whoa! And Beesly’s back in the game ladies and gentlemen,” Jim said laughing.

She smiled and he tilted her head up, kissing her long…sweetly. His hand lingered on her cheek. “Get out of here.”

“Three hours…tops,” she said pulling back. “I’ll be home in time a midnight feeding, ok?”

“Absolutely… now leave.”

“So anyway I told her that she couldn’t come over because Jill is teething and that all she does is cry, cry, cry,” Pam said handing Jim a huge bowl of popcorn before she sat down next to him on the couch.

Jim glanced at Pam and tossed some popcorn into his mouth. “She has no teeth Pam.”

“I know. But did you really want Kelly and Ryan over here tonight?”

“No, of course not. It’s DVD Saturday,” he said in a matter of fact tone, “But basically Pam…you lied about our child.” He turned back to the TV. “I just think you should be you know…ashamed of yourself…that’s all.”

Pam smiled and snuggled in under his arm, ignoring his comment. She let her head fall against his shoulder. “This is nice.”

He massaged the top of her head with his fingertips. That never failed to cause her to shiver all the way down to the soles of her feet.

“I know right…it’s been a long time.”

Actually it had been forever since they’d had one of their traditional DVD Saturdays. Since Jill had been born most of their weekends had been spent either carting her around to relative’s homes or other people coming to visit the newborn. It was nice to just have a quiet Saturday evening alone. A Saturday where he and Pam could snuggle on the couch until late. When she wouldn’t be tired from being with the baby all day and the evening courses she’d started again, and he wouldn’t be tired from a day at the office.

“Oh I love this part,” Jim said, chuckling as he popped some more popcorn into his mouth. They’d chosen Dazed and Confused for this premiere DVD Saturday. Jim absently reached into the bowl and held a few pieces out for Pam without looking at her. Instead of taking the popcorn with her fingers through, she ate them…out of his hand…and her tongue seemed to linger…and then her mouth…on his fingers. Sucking…

When she pulled away licking her lips, he looked at her. She was just watching the movie again, smiling at the scene unfolding in front of her. “This is a really good part.”

What the…

“Um……What was that?”

She looked up at him with those innocent big eyes. “What?...Oh – you…You had salt on your fingers.”

Jim’s eyes widened. “I…thank you…That was very kind of you.”

“Well I didn’t want you to accidentally rub your eye or something…that would hurt.”

“It would Pam…it would,” he said and with a tongue in cheek grin turned back to the movie in front of them. When he chanced a glance at her a moment later, she wore the same grin.

Minutes passed before the next move. Jim knit his hands behind his head and then suddenly Pam was pushing herself up on the couch, making the move. Her feet tucked beneath her bottom as she reached over him. Her chest in his face…clad in a t-shirt that didn’t quite fit the way it used to.

But better.

“Oh I’m sorry I just…I just need the remote…I can’t hear…”

Jim nodded. “Not a problem Pam…let me know if I can help with anything…You seem a little…fidgety.” Let me know when you’re ready Mrs. Halpert. I’ve been up for this for months, he thought to himself.

“Fidgety?” Pam asked, again with those eyes.

“Yeah…just…you know…fidgety.”

Pam leaned back against the couch. This time only seconds passed before she was back at it. Her fingers slid along the neckline of his t-shirt.

Jim cleared his throat. “See…I can’t really focus on the movie when you do that…”

Pam made a face. “Oh…I’m sorry, what about…what if I do this…” and then her mouth was where her fingers had just been.

“Pam, that makes it even more difficult. You know, I’m beginning to think you don’t want to watch this movie at all…and it just…Wow, that’s new…” he said when her hand busied it self with something other than the remote. “See I knew that when I watched this movie with you it’d be better than it was in the theatre.”

She was climbing into his lap. “I’m sorry Jim, I actually kind of tricked you…I’m not really that interested in DVD Saturday…I’m sorry.”

Jim cleared his throat and lifted the remote to turn off the television and DVD player. Yes. “Really…Now that’s surprising. Especially after I distinctly remember you saying that it was in your Top 3 Pam…that you’d want it on a deserted island”

“Right…but I’m not deserted right now,” she said, and her tongue did something wicked just then. “And there are a myriad of other activities I like, Jim.”

He pretended to glance around the room. “Monopoly?”

She grinned widely. “How did you ever guess…”

Monopoly was code for sex. Pam had insisted on coming up with some kind of code word when Jill was around. Not that he’d had any cause to use the code word before, seeing as they hadn’t engaged in Monopoly for quite some time.

“I’m ready Jim,” she whispered against his ear before taking one tasty lobe into her mouth.

She hadn’t been ‘ready’ since Jill had come to live with them outside of the womb.

“Well then let’s get to it.”

Pam giggled as he stood up, lifting them both from the couch. Her feet dropped to the floor as he walked them both quickly towards their bedroom.

His mouth was on lips, her neck, wherever they could get to skin. “I miss your skin…I miss your -

“Wait, wait…,” Pam said smiling as she gently pushed him away. It took every fiber of her being to put things on hold even for another second, but she wanted this to be just right. He deserved it for having been so patient. “You go make sure that Jill is asleep, grab the baby monitor…and I’m gonna actually go get a surprise ready.”

Jim lifted his eyebrows. “A surprise?”

She nodded. “Give me 3 minutes.”

“180…179….178…” Jim said backing away from her. He was grinning as he rounded the corner into their daughter’s room.”

With baby monitor in hand, Jim jogged back down the hall towards their bedroom. He stopped abruptly at all the candlelight. At all that glowing skin.

Pam stood at the edge of the bed, her caramel hair waving loosely around shoulders that were virtually bare accept for the thin pale pink straps of a lace and satin nightie. “Ok…so that night you sent me over to my mom’s…We went to the mall and she talked me into this.”

Jim’s eyes widened and his voice came out a little hoarse. “As weird as the idea of your mom knowing that you’re wearing that is…I love her for it.”

Pam blushed. “She is pretty cool.”

“Very,” Jim said as he came closer. His hands skimmed their way down her arms in the softest of gestures and she shivered once more.

She smiled. “You don’t have to stare too long….I know you’ve been waiting for like 12 years.”

He laughed. “Pam…seriously? Don’t you remember the rather long warm-up you gave me with the whole ‘waiting’ thing…If I could do the 4 year thing, a couple of months is really nothing.”

She smiled up at him and wound her arms around his neck. “It feels like it’s been longer.”

“It does…”

They both halted at the sound of the doorbell. Pam let her head fall against Jim’s chest. “I seriously told her not to come over.”

“Just pretend we’re not –

“Pam…Jim…Paaaaaaaaaaaam…open up. Uuuugh, God please open up.”

Jim’s head fell back at the sound of Michael’s moaning coming from outside. “You’ve gotta be kidding me…”

“Jiiiiiiiiim….”

“We have to –

Jim pressed a finger to Pam’s lips. “No we don’t. Sssh, he’ll never know.”

“Paaaaaam….I saw your car in the parking lot…Jiiiiiiiiiiiim….”

Pam pulled Jim’s finger away from her mouth and wrapped her fingers around it. Compassion filled her eyes and he knew that was the end of Monopoly.

“He sounds really sad.”

“Pam, come on…I’m going to sound really, really sad if we don’t…play the game already.”

Pam smiled up at him and pulled her robe down from the hook on the back of their bedroom door. Jim sighed as he followed her to the living room.

“Jiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim, Paaaaaaaaaaaam,” Michael said and it sounded like he was all choked up. Near tears on the other side of the door.

Jim pulled her back towards him, kissing her for a long moment. “Pam please if you love me you’ll play Monopoly with me and leave Michael out their on the porch until you know…I’ve passed Go…like several times.”

Pam slipped her fingers through the hair that curled at his temples. “Monopoly’s a long game Halpert…we might as well get this over with.”

“I can play Monopoly!”

Jim and Pam both shifted their attention to the door at once. He’d heard that? Jeez…

Jim sighed and pulled open the door. “Hi Michael, what can we -

“Can I come in?” He said, completely forlorn. His red-rimmed eyes showed absolute proof that he’d been crying.

“Of course,” Pam said tugging Jim aside, in order for Michael to come in.

Jim shook his head as he moved to sit on the couch.  Ugh, just moments ago the couch had held so much promise…so much potential for the evening.

He sighed. “What’s goin’ on Michael?”

Michael shook his head. “Is Emma here?”

Pam frowned in confusion.

“Her name’s Jill,” Jim supplied.

“Oh…right,” Michael said shaking his head with none of the animation that usually filled his spirits. “I sometimes confuse her with the baby from Friends…just because you know…you and Pam had that whole on again-off again kind of thing…

Pam frowned again. “No we didn’t.”

“Well you…I mean there was that time you came into the office and sang Baby Got Back to Jill…and you were shaking your butt all around and…”

Jim lifted his eyebrows and Pam said, “Michael that never happened. What are you -

“Oh right…that was a dream. Sorry. I’m just…” he shook his head. “It’s just completely incompreh – imcompromisable what Jan has done.”

Pam followed Michael as he moved to sit in the love seat across from Jim. Pam sat on the arm of that loveseat, looking down sympathetically at Michael.

“She divorced Gould because she wanted to have babies right!…Well I am ready to have babies! I thought she’d be happy to hear that! But she will not have babies with me.!”

“Bummer. Maybe next time.”

Pam shot Jim a look and then glanced back at Michael. “Maybe…I mean did you come right out and ask her if she wanted to have babies? Now?”

Michael sighed in exaperation. “I asked her…if she wanted to be my baby mama, and then she said that she would rather stick one thousand needles directly into her eyeball and then slowly turn them one by one counter-clockwise.”

Pam bit the inside of her jaw. “Well that wasn’t very nice…Were you two having a fight when she said that?”

Michael sighed once more. “No…just a minor disagreement. I told her that if she was going to start gaining weight then it might as well be weight because of a baby and not just because she’d gone off her diet.”

Jim covered his mouth and Pam knew he was silently chuckling behind it.

“Well Michael as a woman who’s put on some weight I can imagine that Jan might be a little…put off by that kind of a comment.”

“Pam you were beautiful when you were pregnant…and Jan would be even more so.”

Jim lifted his eyebrows and Pam decided to take it as a compliment and forget about that last part. But unfortunately Michael was not yet finished.

“Besides, the weight you have now is all in your hips and your breasts so…that’s acceptable.”

“Wow…You know Michael we were about to –

“Play Monopoly?” Michael said looking up, only slightly cheered. “I’m great at that game. I’ve thought many times of what it might be like to play with a little Michael just crawling around on the floor…Maybe he’d learn how to walk one day while we were playing Monopoly,” he said grinning at nothing in particular.

“What a nice dream,” Pam said with a sad smile. He was just so…

Frustrated, Jim stood up. “Michael we don’t actually even own Monopoly, ok? Monopoly is Pam’s code for –

“Michael do you want to see Jill!” Pam said interrupting. Shooting a pointed look at Jim before smiling at their visitor again. “I bet she wants to see you.”

“I bet she does too,” Michael said then, looking happy for the first time since he’d walked through the door. “She likes me a lot…always laughing at me.”

“Exactly,” Pam said encouraging him as they moved into the nursery.

Jill really did seem to enjoy Michael’s company. Next to herself and Jim, Pam really couldn’t think of anyone that made their baby smile as much. He made goofy faces and sounds. Even her gassy smiles were just a little more animated with Michael was around.

“Can I…can I spend the night here?” Michael asked after about 15 minutes of cooing at Jill and asking inane questions about babies.

Jim shook his head. “No.”

“Jim –

“Oh,” Michael said sadly. “Ok…no I understand.”

Pam glared at Jim and he shrugged at her before she dragged him out of the room and down the hall. She whispered quickly. “Jim be nice to him!”

“What? Why? Pam this is my apartment –

“Our apartment.”

“Our apartment…and we wanted to play Monopoly and now we can’t because Michael was too big of an idiot not to comment on his girlfriend’s weight. That’s not my problem.”

Pam folded her arms across her chest and Jim was reminded of what he was missing when her robe gaped a little. She fixed it and started talking. “Well then use that ingenious brain of yours to come up with a nice way of getting him to leave.”

Jim groaned as Pam moved swiftly past him and back towards the nursery.

Seconds later, Jim was back. “Michael you know what…I think you should videotape this actually. This time with Jill.”

Pam glanced at Jim in confusion.

“…It’s common knowledge that women love seeing guys with kids right? Think of how good he is with Jill, Pam…Michael I think you should let us videotape you hanging out with Jill and then you should take the videotape immediately over to Jan’s house and convince her that you are father material.”

Michael gazed at Jim as if he held the answer to all of life’s questions. “God you are so freaking good.”

Pam smiled proudly at her husband. She’d been thinking the same thing herself.

“Well, It’s a win-win-

“Win,” Pam supplied.

“Situation.”

“Yes,” Michael said, synapses firing now. “It’s perfect. She’ll see me as a sensitive, caring, funny…mostly funny – great guy.”

“Absolutely…all gold,” Jim said in adamant agreement.

“It’s the number one thing women look for in a man according to Cosmo,” Pam said soberly.  “Humor.”

“That’s a great magazine,” Michael said just as soberly. “Ok…I’ll do it.”

Jim nearly ran out of the nursery, quickly pulling their video camera down from the hall closet shelf. He popped a new tape inside. He was back in the nursery in minutes.

“Wh – what kinds of things should I do with her?” Michael was asking.

“Just you know…the regular things that you do with her…” Pam said helpfully. “All the faces that you make that she smiles at…”

“Oh no, I know!” Michael said as if he’d just had a brainstorm. “I’ll feed her.”

“No…actually she you know…she’s still nursing,” Pam explained gently.

Michael looked from the baby to Pam’s chest and then back to the baby and then back to Pam’s chest. “I got it! You can nurse her and I’ll just sing to her while –

“No,” Pam said cutting him off.

“Ok. You’ll nurse and I’ll tell jokes while you -

Pam shook her head again and disgust filled her features for a moment. “No…Michael why don’t you just…you know…just…say something to her…play with her…”

Jim made a face at her that clearly said, ‘See this wouldn’t be happening if you had gotten rid of him…’

Michael held Jill in his arms and turned soberly to the camera. “Are you ready Jim? I’m just gonna improv this so…”

“Ready,” Jim said stoicly. “Action.”

“Hello Jan…this is…this is baby Emm – Jill. Let’s do it again,” he said shaking his head. “Damn it…oh, sorry Jill. I’m sorry I said a nasty curse word in front of your virgin ears…oh crap! I said virgin…damn. Sorry. Sorry,” he said getting himself together. “Can you take it from the top please,” he said looking back at the camera.

“Michael maybe you could just sit with Jill like you were before and –

“Pam, pam…please. This is what I do, ok? I don’t really want your inpu…just…sit there and listen, ok?”

Pam glanced at Jim who grinned behind the camera. “Ok, ready Michael…and…action.”

“Hello Jan this is baby Jill. She thinks I’m the best Godfather ever. In fact –

“You’re not her Godfather,” Pam said interrupting.

Michael groaned. “Pam, come on! Just…for the sake of the…ok…let’s roll again Jim.”

“Pam…sssh,” Jim said teasingly.

She tried to glare at her husband, but when he stuck his tongue out at her, she could only giggle.

“Hi Jan, it’s me…Michael. And this is baby Jill. Jill and I are BFFs because Jill knows that I understand babies. Jill knows that I once was a baby and I have not forgotten what babies need. They need laughter and fun and…clean diapers. I have never changed Jill’s diapers because that’s something that only a mommy and a daddy do because I don’t touch poop…at all. But I would be happy to touch your baby’s poop…both of our baby’s poop. Our baby together…it’s…poop. I would love it…….The baby,” he said pausing. “Not the poop – But…I’d love that too.”

Jim started to lower the camera. “Are you…is that –

“Scene,” Michael said nodding to him to cut the camera.

Jim switched it to stand by. “That was…wow.”

“I know,” Michael said nodding. “When I get in the zone…it’s…Jill though – you two might want to think about enrolling her in some acting classes, she kind of just…sat there. Didn’t really add much to the scene.”

Pam removed her child from Michael’s arms abruptly. Jim grinned. The statute of limitations on her patience for Michael was running out with each passing second.

“Yeah…somethin’ to think about,” Jim said as he came to stand behind Michael, ushering him back to the living room with a friendly pat on his back. “I think this’ll work, man. I think once Jan sees this video…”

“I know…I know,” Michael said agreeing as Jim handed it to him. “I think I’m gonna go over to Dwight’s have him convert the video. He probably knows how…nerd.”

Jim glanced at his watch it was nearly 10 p.m. He nodded in complete agreement and handed Michael the tape. “Go there…now.”

“Ok…” Michael said in front of the front door. “You two…Gosh, you two are the best you know that…thank you so much,” he said and leaned in to give Pam a light kiss on the cheek.

“Aww…thank you Michael…”

“And you…what a gre…” Michael became choked up and Jim nearly lost it. “What a great idea…it’s just…”

Jim pressed his lips together hard as Michael clamped him in a big bear hug. Don’t laugh, don’t laugh, don’t laugh…

“Ok,” Michael said trying to get himself together. “I gotta go…I gotta go have a baby…bye.”

“Bye Michael…”

Jim shook his head as Michael walked out. “That was…Did you see that? Were you here for that?”

Pam smiled up at him. “I was Jim. And yet I still feel as if maybe it were a dream…”

“Wow.”

“Wow to like the 30th power.”

Jim took a deep breath and looked back at her. “Please tell me you’re still in the mood to play Monopoly.”

Pam grinned. “Let me get Jill back to sleep and then I’ll meet you in our bedroom.”

Jim grinned. “Ok.”

As Pam started to walk away, he cleared his throat. She turned around. “Yeah?”

“Um…” he glanced down at the video camera still in his hands. “Do you um…Is there stuff to film back there? In the bedroom?” He said gesturing towards it with his head, as if she didn’t know where the bedroom was.

Pam lifted her eyebrows in confusion. “I’m sorry?”

“Um, you know…we moved the furniture…since the last time we filmed…when we first moved in.”

Pam’s eyes squinted this time…but then she smiled. Interesting, she thought. She learned something new everyday about this man.  Very interesting. To her knowledge he’d never even seen a stripper, but suddenly he wanted…Something about that made her all warm and fuzzy inside.

“You want to film the furniture, Jim? That sounds really boring.”

Jim made a face. “Well it all kind of depends on what happens on the furniture, doesn’t it?”

“I’m not sure I understand what you’re talking about,” Pam said playing dumb. “Nothing ever really happens on my furniture…”

Jim squinted and tried to keep a straight face but eventually broke. His voice cracked, “Oh my God, you’re gonna make me say it?…That’s not fair!”

“Well how can I be sure you’re asking what I think you’re asking if you don’t say it? I mean…we both agreed that we wouldn’t beat around the bush anymore so…I don’t know…it sounds like you’re playing games, Jim.”

Jim nodded. “Fair enough Pam. Fair enough…I’m pretty sure that…you know what you’re wearing under there,” he said gesturing to her robe. “I’m pretty sure that needs to be archived for posterity…you know – among other things.”

Pam innocently pulled the robe down over her shoulders. “This?”

Jim stared for a moment then nodded. “Yep.”

Pam smiled at him. “Keep the candles flickering Jim…Film noir all the way. The furniture’s gone through a lot of changes.”

“Pam it’s still great furniture.”

“The candles stay lit…or no video.”

“Ambience…great.”

“I agree…Give me two minutes…”

“120…119…118…”

PHalpert: What’s going on there?

JHalpert: Oh just painting my nails actually.

PHalpert: Oooh ‘Not Really a Waitress’?

JHalpert: No, no…it’s a new color called ‘Really a Waitress/Mime.”

PHalpert: Nice!

JHalpert: I thought so. Compliments my eyes.

PHalpert: Jill just rolled over.

JHalpert: SHUT UP

PHalpert: Sorry…well she kinda did.

JHalpert: Pam, you deliberately bated me into saying something stupid just so you could spring that on me!

PHalpert: I did not! How is ‘what’s going on there?’ bating you?

JHalpert: ::sigh:: So what’d she roll over and do?

PHalpert: What do you mean?...Nothing. She just rolled over. Like I said it wasn’t really a big deal.

JHalpert: ::rolling eyes:: My dog in the third grade would at least get up and fetch afterwards.

PHalpert: That’s just mean. I’m talking about your daughter!

JHalpert: Did you film this supposed ‘rolling over’

PHalpert: No!

JHalpert: Then it didn’t happen. When I see it for the first time…I’ll will say it’s the first time.

PHalpert: Ugh. Suck it.

~~~~~~~

JHalpert: Dwight must die.

PHalpert: What did he do?

JHalpert: He has decided that only he and Michael have access to the vending machine because ‘others’ use it for silly games and a vending machine is a privilege.

PHalpert: Did you hide one of his bobble heads again and make him pay for it? You have to stop doing that.

JHalpert: Pam it was just his stapler.

PHalpert: What happened to putting it in jello?

JHalpert: Oh I ate it all.

PHalpert: I thought we just bought some the other day.

JHalpert: We did, but last night after you went to bed, I made some. You were tired so…

PHalpert: You ate all of that last night?

JHalpert: Yeah. Hey how about Italian tonight?

PHalpert: Jim. Did you give some to Jill?

JHalpert: What?

PHalpert: Did you give Jill Jello?

JHalpert: No…yes.

PHalpert: JIM!

JHalpert: What! Pam, she looked HUNGRY. I’m supposed to just ignore my child’s hunger pangs?

PHalpert: She’s not on solid foods yet Jim!

JHalpert: She just licked it…that’s all…I ate the rest.

PHalpert: :::SIGH:::

JHalpert: STOP it’s jello, not pizza. Although she did enjoy that as well.

PHalpert: If she gets sick you’re taking her to the doctor.

JHalpert: Obviously Pam…I am her devoted father who actually feeds her.

PHalpert: I think Dwight needs an anonymous tip that you are planning to stuff the vending machine with his things again. And that he should be on the look out.

JHalpert: Pam…

PHallpert: Hmmm…PHalpert signing off…

~~~~~~~

PHalpert: Hey Jim are you busy?

JHalpert: What kind of question is that? No…Everything ok? This is usually shower time.

PHalpert: I think Jill might be sick.

JHalpert: Why?

PHalpert: I don’t know she’s just…not herself. I don’t know how to explain it. She doesn’t want to play with that plaid teddy bear that your mom got her and she’s just…I don’t know. She’s kind of warm too. I could be just making too big of a deal out of it. But she’s just acting funny.

JHalpert: You wanna take her in to the doctor?

PHalpert: Yeah is that stupid?

JHalpert: No, I’ll meet you there.

PHalpert: Ok, in 20 minutes?

JHalpert: Will do. See you. Give her a kiss for me.

PHalpert: K, love you. Bye.

~~~~~~~

JHalpert: Hey, how was shopping with your mom?

PHalpert: Ok

JHalpert: Really?

PHalpert: Yeah

JHalpert: Oook. No desire to elaborate.

PHalpert: We went shopping. We didn’t go to a museum. Shopping is shopping.

JHalpert: Ok, sorry I asked. Did you and your mom get in a fight?

PHalpert: Nope.

JHalpert: Did I leave the toilet seat up or something? What’s up?

PHalpert: Guess who I ran into at the mall?

JHalpert: ???????????

PHalpert: Karen.

JHalpert: Oh

PHalpert: Guess who looked PERFECT?

JHalpert: There’s really no good answer here. If I say ‘You’ – you’re gonna say I’m lying. If I say ‘Karen’ that’s no good either….Hmm, how about ‘Your mom?’

PHalpert: Great Jim

JHalpert: Jill?

PHalpert: Just what I wanted…Jokester Jim

JHalpert: Was she rude to you or something?

PHalpert: No of course she wasn’t. She was flawless and perfect and looked at me and the baby and then just smiled like I was SAD.

JHalpert: Ok…Tell me what I need to say to end this. You’re way pissed right now…not sure why you’re pissed AT ME….

PHalpert: Does she work out?

JHalpert: You’re kidding right? Pam I’m not having a conversation about Karen’s exercise habits.

PHalpert: Why the hell not? I talk about Roy when you want to know something.

JHalpert: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. How often do I really want to know about ROY? Pam get a grip!

PHalpert: Don’t yell at me.

JHalpert: I’m not yelling, but this is beyond ridiculous.

PHalpert: Call me.

JHalpert: No, I’m not calling you to talk about whether Karen does or doesn’t work out.

PHalpert: That’s because she doesn’t work out. She’s perfect without working out…while others of us work our asses off and it doesn’t help.

JHalpert: Pam - I don’t have time for this. I’m signing off.

PHalpert: Go ahead.

JHalpert: Hey

JHalpert: Hey…

JHalpert: Are you gonna talk to me? The ‘away’ message isn’t fooling anybody. I know you leave it on all day.

PHalpert: Oh sorry. Forgot to turn it off.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me,” Jim muttered under his breath, all while whipping out his cell phone.

“You shouldn’t use the F-word on company time.”

Jim glared at Dwight and got up from his desk, dialing before he hit the corridor. He walked out into the hall, shaking his head the entire way. Was she kidding? The phone rang several times, the answering machine picked up. He stepped into the elevator and called back. It was ringing again when he hit the afternoon air.  

“What!”

“Ok, are you kidding me? What the hell is the matter?” Jim spat pacing around his car.

“Not sure what you’re talking about. I thought you weren’t going to call me about Karen.”

“I’m not calling you about Karen! I’m calling you about you! Did you lose your brain at the mall?”

“Nice Jim.”

“I wasn’t trying to be!...You’re being a lunatic!”

“I’m not being a lunatic!”

“Um…I’m sorry, yes you are. I IMd to see how your day is going and you go off on me about running into Karen, who I haven’t seen or heard from since the day I broke up with her because I couldn’t seem to get over YOU. And then what happened? Oh yeah…I’m sorry, I MARRIED YOU…oh and then, then…WAIT, let me make sure I got the time line right…Yes, yes…we had a BABY…uhuh. RIGHT, but apparently because you’ve put on some weight none of that actually matters…sorry. Unfortunately I didn’t realize a few pounds equaled Jim is an asshole.”

Jim stopped and caught his breath. He ran a hand through his hair when all he heard was sniffling on the other end of the line. He shook his head and pressed his lips together. He whispered finally, “I’m sorry…but this is – Pam, come on…”

Pam spoke through muffled sobbing. “No…it’s my fault, I’m sorry. You’re…you’re right, I’m being ridiculous. I didn’t mean to…”

“Hey…” More sniffling was all he got in response so he spoke again. “Hey…you ok?”

Pam whispered. “Yeah…no, I’m fine.”

“I’m gonna come home.”

“No, don’t…you don’t have to. I’m being an idiot. Just stay at work…You don’t need to come home and console your emotionally unstable wife.”

Jim glanced at his watch. He couldn’t wait another 3 hours. “I’m on my way. I’ll see you in a bit…”

“Ok.”

~~~~~~~

PHalpert: Hey, I’m sending you something…

JHalpert: Tulips?

PHalpert: No…check your email.

JHalpert: That was really cute. I especially liked part where the cat actually ‘meowed’ the words “I’m sorry”. Does the brilliance of You Tube have no end?

PHalpert: I just wanted you to know I appreciate you.

JHalpert: I know. Thank you. :-)

PHalpert: :::smooches::::

JHalpert: Was there tongue in that?

PHalpert: Obviously

~~~~~~

PHalpert: Guess what I just got us?

JHalpert: What?

PHalpert: Shins tickets

JHalpert: Shut up

PHalpert: Nope. You and me, Halpert…floor seats.

JHalpert: Ok, seriously I think I just squealed like a little girl…Dwight looked up at me and made a disapproving face.

PHalpert: lol

JHalpert: What brought this on?

PHalpert: Still making up for being a wacko

JHalpert: Damn, I think I like it when you’re a wacko.

PHalpert: I already called your mom to see if she’d babysit and she’s totally excited.

JHalpert: Man I love it when my wife has to make up for being a wacko.

PHalpert: :-)…Ok, get back to work

JHalpert: I think I’ll change my sign-on to a Shins song and re-train Dwight.

PHalpert: Yay! Let me know how that goes.

JHalpert: Will do. …Oh hey! BTW….wish you were here.

PHalpert: Love you.

~~~~~~~

JHalpert: How’s the project coming?

PHalpert: Ok I guess…lame.

JHalpert: It didn’t look lame when I left.

PHalpert: It’s gotten exponentially lamer as the hours have passed.

JHalpert: Wow. Maybe you can tell your professor that the lame fairies came and cursed it.

PHalpert: If a lame fairy came wouldn’t that mean that the curse would fail? Hence the lameness.

JHalpert: Oh hold on…let me ask your brother Dwight…

PHalpert: Suck it. You’re the one who brought up fairies…girl.

JHalpert: Whoa. Hostile. Again, let me consult your brother…

PHalpert: ::sigh:: your daughter just started crying – even she thinks your lame now.

JHalpert: No. I distinctly remember the lame gene coming from you.

JHalpert: Pam?

JHalpert: Paaaaaam…

JHalpert: PAMELA….

PHalpert: Some of us have to change diapers, Jim. Not all of us are busy doing nothing at work.

JHalpert: Um, I already closed 2 sales today ok…that’s like unheard of around here.

PHalpert: Hmm…that’s pretty hot actually.

JHalpert: Figures that’s what’s goin’ on…your feisty today.

PHalpert: LOL

~~~~~~~

PHalpert: OMG!

JHalpert: What?!

PHalpert: Michael just called to ask me what my favorite sexual position was!

PHalpert: He did! He said he wanted to know because he was afraid he was no longer pleasing Jan!

PHalpert: Yes! You have to go talk to him!

JHalpert: What? What am I gonna do, tell him mine?

PHalpert: No! But just…ew!

JHalpert: That’s totally sick.

PHalpert: Totally Jim, you don’t understand!

JHalpert: So what did you tell him?

PHalpert: Oh gross, I didn’t tell him anything!

JHalpert: Are you sure? You sound kind of…guilty. Like you told him something. Like you were naughty Pam.

PHalpert: Suck it. I didn’t tell him anything.

JHalpert: It’s ok if you did Pam. Don’t feel bad…

PHalpert: STOP IT

JHalpert: It’s ok. Don’t worry. I wouldn’t have told him either. Maybe like…location, but not position.

PHalpert: Why do I even bother with you?

JHalpert: Well because I live with you…and your favorite place is the dining room…so…

PHalpert: OMG. ERASE your screen.

JHalpert: Are you kidding?

PHalpert: NO ERASE IT

JHalpert: Pam

PHalpert: Don’t expect anything out of the dining room but food if you leave that on your screen.

JHalpert: Wow. A pervert and a control freak.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pam marveled at the way their smiles matched. There were more similarities between daddy and daughter everyday it seemed. The smile, the way the child’s hair curled up around her ears. Pam was certain by the texture, that one day Jill’s hair would be more like hers, but right now her fingers itched to touch it just like they itched to touch daddy’s. 

Jim sat at the foot of the couch and rubbed his hand along her yellow onesie covered back. He smiled at Jill when she smiled in her sleep.

He whispered, “Good dream, huh?”

“Gas.”

“Must you?” Jim said glancing over at his wife who sat next to Jill on the couch. “Unbelievable.”

He shook his head as Pam giggled and turned down the volume on America’s Next Top Model. It was their newest most favorite show to mock relentlessly. They TIVO’ed it for that specific purpose.

“I do not like that girl,” Pam said absently as Jim rummaged around in the small baby grooming kit.

He retrieved the tiny pink pair of nail clippers and pulled Jill’s hand towards his. Gently laying it in his palm. He caught sight of her knuckles and a feeling of wonder swept over him a new, as it sometimes did.. How could anyone have such tiny knuckles…she was like…

Because this was where words failed, he shook his head and set about the job of clipping. He’d gotten very good at this particular task. He could accomplish all 10 fingers before she ever woke up.

“I mean what’s wrong with people being happy?” Pam was saying. “Not as competitive as she is? And can she please put on a shirt…I’m so sick of looking at her stomach and it’s only the first episode.”

Jim smiled to himself. He knew enough to let that comment slide. Especially since said contestant had just had a baby and was now 6-packing it. To respond to Pam right then would have been like launching a grenade into their living room.

“Don’t ever be a girl like that Jill,” Pam said then, leaning down to kiss her baby’s soft brunette head. “Mmm…she smells good – nice job with the bath Daddy…I think we can sell her at auction now.”

“Wait’ll you see her nails……Jill, tell mommy she’s a wacko. What are the chances you could be a girl like that?”

“You never know Jim…she could be one of these girls.”

Jim made a face. “We’re her parents Pam…she’ll be at least 82% perfect…a solid 83.6 with the manicure…”

“Awesome…….I just don’t want her to be catty that’s all,” Pam added in all seriousness. “But then again I don’t want her to be a pushover either. She needs to stand up for what she wants……….Be careful to pull her skin away from the nail…”

“Pam, I’m a nail clipping expert…sssh please.”

When Pam became suddenly quiet, he paused mid clip and looked up at her. Her face was serious, but it wasn’t about clipping. She was really thinking about exactly what kind of girl Jill would be. He tried not to make a face when it suddenly dawned on him why Pam had seemed set on having a boy at the beginning of her pregnancy. It all kind of made sense now….

She found the idea of raising a girl a little bit terrifying.

“Hey, Pam…it sounds like a realistic, doable goal…We can do it. She’s gonna be great. How could she not be?”

“I don’t know I just…You’re gonna have to help a lot though, because I’m not the best at that…….The pushover thing…You’re gonna have to teach her.”

Jim smiled. “Don’t sell yourself short Beesly. You’ve come a long way.”

“Kinda,” Pam said sheepishly agreeing. The smile that replaced her solemnity made him smile back. Ok…all was right with the world again.

“Oh kinda? I’m pretty sure you know how to…” Jim gasped mid sentence. “Oh no…oh…oh I’m so sorry…sorry Jill...”

Pam moved closer, concern on her face. “What’s the matter?”

Jim held up their baby’s index finger. Pam squinted. “What?”

“What do you mean what? I almost hacked off her finger!”

Pam smiled at the nearly microscopic drop of blood near their child’s tiny fingernail. “Jim…it’s ok…God, you nearly gave me a heart attack.”

Jim continued to look at his child’s finger, inspecting it by turning it this way and that. “Crap, crap, crap…”

She watched him for a moment. Seriously?

“Jim…she can’t even feel it. She didn’t even wake up. Jill sleeps like you do…it’s as close to death as someone can get while still maintaining a pulse…She’s fine.”

He continued to inspect things, so Pam leaned in closer, maybe it was worse than she could see from where she was….No, it was a just a tiny spec. “Jim…”

He nodded at her as if to cut her off, but if she didn’t know better she’d have sworn he had a very slight sheen of tears in his eyes. Wow….What…

“Jim,” she said, a smile in her voice as she messaged his shoulders slightly. “It’s really ok. I don’t think you maimed her for life. If it makes you feel any better…the other night I diapered her in a dirty one…Literally put on the same diaper I had just taken off…I was just tired and not thinking.”

Jim took a deep breath and stood up. He handed Pam the clippers. “Officially not my job anymore…retired.”

“Oh my God….Jim…come on,” Pam said following him into the kitchen where he got a beer out of the fridge. “You’re totally making a big deal out of nothing. So finally there’s something you messed up on? Sue me if I’m not just a little relieved honestly. You’re like better than me at everything.”

“That’s not true,” Jim said leaning against the fridge. One arm crossed over his chest, hand latching on to the inside of his opposite elbow.

“It is so true. You make her smile more, that ‘d’ ‘d’ sound she makes….come on, we both know you’re gonna be her first word, and you’ve even gotten very good at making out what each cry means…and oh yeah, you’re falsetto is much better than mine….She does not enjoy my rendition of Love Fool or On the Wings of Love.”

That earned her a smile. “Maybe because she knows you sang that last one to a dead bird.”

Pam tossed the clippers back and forth from hand to hand. Very nice…that was better.

She smiled back at him. “You have to get back on the horse Jim. Now’s no time to give up. If you give up now…you’ll be fearful forever…You must clip again.”

Jim smiled again at her grave expression and the emboldening pep talk, realizing he was just being silly. But still…he’d actually cut her little finger.  Pam had her worries, he had his.

“Thanks coach.”

“Oh no problem….besides, this actually does wonders for my self-esteem so I thank you,” she said easing up to him. She slid her arms around his waist and tilted her head up to grin at him. He grinned back before taking another sip of beer.

“Nice with the sympathy Beesly.”

She giggled and kissed the middle of his chest through the t-shirt he wore. Felt his voice vibrate against her mouth when he spoke again.

“This just…ruins my plans – that’s all,” he said then.

Pam made a quizzical face. “What plans? To become a manicurist?”

“Whoa…again with the rubbing in…….and don’t think looking at me like that is gonna make me forgive you.”

“Sorry,” Pam said smiling up at him from behind her bangs. “Are you sure it won’t? I’m pretty sure it will Jim.”

He refused to smile. “No…basically the plan was for me to be Jill’s favorite parent until she was at least 13…and you’re trying to ruin that so…”

Pam made a face of disbelief at his grand announcement, pulled her arms from around his waist and stepped back. “I’m sorry?”

“Oh yeah, see…it’s a fairly simple arrangement: the first few years can be like…the Daddy Years…and then you get her later…the Mommy Years.”

“Really? Wow…that’s…a great plan, Halpert. Did you think of that all by yourself?”

“Yes Pam, but it is research inspired. Studies show that typically girls get all weird on their dads around age 13 and pretty much do not return to normal until 20. Massive tension for awhile…tumultuous arguments, groundings…So I’m suggesting that you let me be the favorite…for now.”

“And you’d like to hold on to your position as favorite until she’s 13? And then I get to be her favorite throughout all the hormonal really good stuff?”

“Correct Pam…A sound proactive approach to parenting.”

Pam rolled her eyes. “Ok, first of all thanks Michael for making up statistics.”

Jim’s wide mouthed shocked expression nearly made her laugh, but she was still talking.

“Excuse me while I go snort cocaine instead of going to read to my child……Secondly all betterment stops now. No reading of studies or research.”

Jim sipped and muttered. “It was just for the sex then…damn it…My mom told me and I wouldn’t listen.”

“Basically……….Listen, this baby is going to have to deal with the both of us being her favorite…and if she ever thinks otherwise I’ll just tell her about the time you cut her.”

“Wow….that’s…that’s not even morally ok what you just said.”

“Suck it.”

Jim held up his beer in salute as they moved back into the living room. “Ok…who had a problem with standing up for what she wants?”

Pam guffawed with laughter just as they passed the couch, startling Jill awake and instantly into an impressive crying fit.

“Ooooh…I’m sorry sweetie,” Pam said sitting down, gently easing Jill into her arms… “Oh I know…I’m so sorry…ssssh…go back to sleep…”

Jim sat down next to them, rewound Top Model and smiled to himself. “Hmm…more points for me.”

“I hate you.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jim laughed out loud and shifted forward, closer to the alarm clock again so that Jill could somehow reach the button if she flailed around enough. Her hand came within inches of the button and Jim grimaced.

“You can do it…come on…”

Once again with the waving arms, once again the stretch and then…finally…connection!

Jill’s eyes got as big as saucers when music filled the room. Then her arms started going again. Startled, then supremely stoked – that was her standard mode of operation, Jim noticed.

“What the heck are you doing out there!” Pam called from inside the bathroom and Jim laughed again. “Why do you keep turning the music off and on?”

“It’s not me Pam…It’s Jill, and she thinks it’s like the most entertaining thing on the planet…so….”

Pam opened the bathroom door, and leaned into their bedroom a towel turbened her wet hair. “What?”

“She accidentally hit the power button on the alarm clock and she’s been trying to hit it again ever since…But she’s got like zero aim. It’s hilarious….It’s like she finally figured out she’s got some power over things or something…so funny.”

Pam smiled and moved into the bedroom with a towel wrapped around her. She sat next to Jim on the bed and smiled at their baby. “Ooh that’s a good song…you like that, huh?”

Jim turned Jill around so she could see her mama, and immediately her eyes were transfixed by the towel on her head.

“Whoa…uhoh…look at that lip…she’s not sure if she likes that look.” Jim said, one finger in each of Jill’s fists.

“Oooh…it’s just me. It’s mommy,” Pam said pulling the towel from her hair. “See? Just me…no biggee.”

Jim watched as Pam’s damp tresses came falling down around her shoulders. Jill was instantly pleased. Her face visibly relaxed.

Jim was pleased as well.

“Wow, I didn’t realize she hadn’t seen me like that before. I guess she’s usually napping when I’m drying my hair….What?”

Jim swallowed. So he had been staring. “Nothing……Um, speaking of naps she’s due for one soon isn’t she?”

Pam made a face. “Yeah, but you’re gonna have to quit riling her up if you want her to atually sleep.”

“Will do.”

Pam grinned. “What? Why are you staring at me like that?”

“Nothing. Just…That’s a good look for you Beesly…I like it.”

“Oh yeah?” She said, and he watched a blush rise from the edge of the towel all the way up to her cheeks. Hot and adorable.

“Yeah.”

Pam bit her bottom lip. “Hmm…why don’t you get Jill to sleep and I’ll show you another look.”

“Nice.”

“Yeah…there’s like a completely different look under the towel....I think you might like it…so…”

“Yes I actually am familiar with that look and I have to say…it’s…Well I’m fond of it, Pam. So…why don’t you…you know – prepare for that….and give me about 15 minutes to put the DJ to bed.”

“Not going anywhere.”

~~~~~~~

Pam had a pair of old gray winter gloves she’d been close to donating to the Salvation Army during her tri-annnual closet clean out. But after looking at them for a few moments, she’d decided to do something different with them.

Jim had come home one evening, to find her cutting off all the fingers (so she could wiggle hers through the holes of course) off of one glove, sewing on two buttons for eyes and using yarn to create a nose and a mouth. She’d made a puppet, and the very first time Pam slipped it on her hand, Jill went absolutely crazy. Like the frigging Stones had come to town.

They found that there was a very specific “cooing” sound that Jill made whenever the puppet came out, so of course Pam named the puppet, Cooey.

Cooey had been all the rage for weeks now, and at the moment Jim sat holding Jill as she tried to grab at Cooey…perhaps to eat him? They couldn’t be sure of course. Maybe she only wanted to give him a smooch, but if the drooling was any indication Cooey would be gummed to death if Jill ever got her sweet little hands on him.  

So Pam kept Cooey at bay, since Cooey was made with buttons and buttons were on the No Jill list.

The No Jill list was yet another funny, amusing thing that Pam had made for Jill. It was a very extensive list posted on the fridge. The list included things like: buttons, pizza, pillows, and beer. The list donned a photo of Jill covered by the national symbol for “don’t do this” – a red circle with a bold slash going through it. Right through her little face.

Jim marveled at the way having a baby had brought out even more of Pam’s creative side and she seemed to be reveling in it. That didn’t mean however, that he couldn’t have a little fun…

So at the 7:30 p.m. showing of the Cooey show, Jim began bouncing Jill on his knee as she went wild.

“Hewo Jiwa ....I’m bwack!…I loooove to pway wit you.”

Jim cleared his throat. “Um…I have a question Cooey, if I may……Why exactly are their so many ‘w’s in your speech?”

“So I can twell little boys like you to swuck it.”

“Wow…um, uncalled for. Cooey, I’m not sure that’s the kind of language my wife and I want our daughter to use…Not sure where my wife went by the way…she seems to have gotten lost somewhere behind a talking puppet…”

“Hmm…vwey intewesting….Can you descwibe yo wife to me? Maybe I’ve seen huh.”

Jim pursed his lips and looked at Jill, who was now stuffing her fist in her mouth since she couldn’t get to Cooey. “Opened myself up for that one didn’t I, Jilly?”

“Pwease descwibe huh and qwit stalling.”

“Demanding puppets…ok. Um, she’s actually about….you know – average height, brownish…nay, caramel colored hair…right, yes caramel is good….honey in fact. A caramel-honey mix…” he added squinting as if to conjure it in his mind.

“Vwey good…continue. She sounds dewicious.”

Jim laughed in spite of himself. It took him nearly a minute to get himself back together. “Dewicious…ok…um…Well, she’s smart. Funny as hell…um…well how else can I really describe…Oh, I got it – since she had Jill, she’s got huge knock -

“Oook, thwank you Jim fow shawing yo descwiption of yo wife! That’s aw we’ll be needing at the moment…”

“Woah I do not think it’s ok to be interrupted by a puppet. I was going to say that my wife has huge knowledge. I’m not really sure what you thought I was going to say Cooey…would you mind sharing what you anticipated me sa -

“Stop it! You’re running the show!”

“Is that the puppet now or…Oh my God, Pam is that you?!...Jill, I think we found mommy!”

“I hate you.” Pam said, stifling a grin as she pulled Cooey off of her hands and stood up. She started walking away.

“Aww…come on…Look, see…Jill want’s an encore……..Pam, come back!...Pam if you come back….I’m pretty sure Jill will throw her diaper at Cooey…you wouldn’t want to miss that!”

“Oh my God!”

~~~~~~~~

Pam stood just outside the nursery, peaking past the doorway as subtly as she possibly could, so that he wouldn’t stop. It was an interesting phenomenon. He was absolutely fine singing late 90’s hits with their daughter, but when he was singing something different, like Pat-a-Cake for instance…if you caught him – he stopped. He would literally not continue no matter how much you begged and pleaded.

“Bake me a cake as fast as you can…roll it and pat it…”

She smiled to herself when Jill made a funny little noise, in response to Jim finger-drawing a ‘B’ on her tummy

Her legs went crazy.

“Put in the oven for the baby and me!.........And don’t make any for momm-y,” Jim said adding the rhyme at the end.

He turned to her. “Beesly you’re so obvious…I can literally feel your retinas burning holes in my back.”

She giggled as she walked away. “Sorry…carry on, baker’s man.”

~~~~~~~

“Oh my God she thinks whistling is the funniest thing ever!”

Jim laughed and gazed at his baby as Pam leaned close, whistling as she pushed the cart. Jill was the best shopping baby. She made a lot of little amused sounds, but never flipped out like some kids they’d heard in the store.

“Ok hold on…” Jim said and started to whistle the little diddy that emerged at the tail end of Sitting On the Dock of the Bay, as they walked down the next aisle.

Pam tossed some fabric softener in their cart and joined in the whistling.

The PA system came into view as they passed the photo processing center, and Jim stopped the cart. He glanced at the microphone. “I dare you to whistle into that.”

“I’m so not falling for that again, Halpert.”

Jim frowned. “Pam…I’m asking you to do something for the amusement of your child. This has nothing at all to do with me.…Be mature Pam.”

She couldn’t hold her glare and she couldn’t resist a dare…He knew that.

With tongue in cheek, Pam approached the microphone. When she launched into the Andy Griffith Show, Jill’s eyes shot towards the ceiling, towards the opposite wall, towards Daddy, towards Mommy…everywhere.

Jim laughed. “She’s completely flipping out right now…she’s like where is the whistling coming from! What on Earth is happening!”

Pam giggled and heard herself echoed over the PA system. Jill recognized that sound for sure. She shifted immediately towards Mommy’s laughter. She grinned wide and fidgeted in her car seat.

Pam grinned back at her and jogged over to the seat. “Come here…you want to hear yourself?,” she said and they quickly maneuvered her out of the seat. Pam laughed as she jogged Jill back to the microphone. “Ok…go ahead baby say something….”

Jill batted at the microphone, opened her mouth wide…

“You can’t eat it Jilly…”

“Ma’am, please don’t play with that…that’s not a toy.”

“Oh…I’m – I’m sorry…we’re sorry,” she said quickly glancing at Jill.

Jim pursed his lips to hold his laughter at bay as the saleswoman disappeared in a huff. He shook his head at Pam as she walked back to their cart sheepishly.

“Did you say we? Were you actually trying to implicate your own daughter?”

“I hate you.”

~~~~~~~

“I know…I know…Mommy’s crazy for leaving…and I know what you’re gonna say…You told her to leave Daddy. You told her to go spend the day with her mom…I know Jill. I know. But that’s because Daddy kinda wanted to throw Mommy out the window because she’s crazy…don’t tell her I said that. That feeling will pass…it always does….But see look…this means that you and Daddy get to spend the day together…it also means that maybe one day I’ll stop talking about myself in the third person…That would be…a miracle.”

Jill pulled her foot towards her mouth. Toes were love.

“People scoff at that skill…I say why not…if I could do it, I would.”

Jill gurgled something around her toes.

“Exactly…So ok, we’re going to visit G-ma Halpert….What do you want to wear? Mommy really should have picked an outfit for us before she left….and I know what you’re gonna say – I very adamantly told her that I had everything under control and that she didn’t have to worry about a thing…but listen, contrary to what people might think, I’m not a fashion expert….” He turned to her closet and sighed. Her eyes followed him.

“I know…shocking right? Daddy always looks so put together……Well it takes a lot of people, a lot of time…a team of experts…It’s…you wouldn’t want all the attention Jill. You feel a little like a piece of meat.”

At her silence, Jim continued. “ Probably a dress right? Girls do that sometimes on special occasions…ok…great….dresses,” he said as Jill continued to suck on her toes.

He thumbed through the tiny little dresses that were on equally tiny little hangers. “Purple polka dots, yellow daisies, pink….what does Mommy call this?” he said turning to Jill as if she’d answer. “Oh! Yes…gingham. Got it. Yeah…this is a winner I think,” he said pulling it out.

Jim held it up for Jill above her crib. “Whatdya think? Pink?”

Gurgle.

“I know…good choice….And it came with a little headband right? Ok…where does Mommy keep the…” he looked around the room, spotted the headband holder that Pam had painted little butterflies on. “Perfect…headband – check.”

Proud of himself, Jim got Jill ready. He even managed the headband without any fussing. She was pink from head to foot when he put on her little pink shoes.

“Jill…you’re a vision as always. I’ll go as Ducky.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"And that is dribbling," Jim said gesturing towards the television with his chin as he and Jill caught the highlights. "Not the kind of dribbling you do...like now," he said reaching down to wipe off her mouth and his thumb. "But this kind is with a ball...and the ball goes in the net..."

Jill made a sound that definitely noted approval and Jim laughed.

"Exactly. I'm with you."

The knock on the door came as a complete surprise. It was nearing 9 pm on a Friday night. Jim glanced at the door and groaned as he lifted himself and Jill from the couch.

These days the only person that showed up unannounced was Mr. Jensen their annoying downstairs neighbor.

"Gotta take a break from Sports Center, Jill" he said as he hoisted his daughter further up his shoulder. She turned towards him, swiveling her head in order to see what was going on.

"Hey," he whispered, marveling for a moment at how alert she was these days. "Don't get too excited...mommy would just use her key.....Who is it?"

"Dwight K. Schrute."

Instead of moving towards the door, Jim took a step back. Seriously? A visit from Dwight on a Friday night was even more annoying than one from Mr. Jensen! What the...

"Um...who?"

"Is Jim Halpert there?"

"No, I'm sorry he's not."

"Jim...I can tell it's you. Open the door."

"Who is this?" Jim asked, smiling down at Jill when she made a blubbering noise with her lips. "We don't know who that is," he whispered to her. "He's a stranger...We never talk to strangers."

"Open up Jim. I know you're there. I can hear you. I have some very important business to take care of."

"Well there's a gas station just down the street for that, so..."

"Not that," Dwight said though his teeth.

"What do you want Dwight?"

"I'm here to do you -

"That's what she said....sorry," Jim added, looking down at his daughter as if he might have offended her delicate sensibilities. "

"A public service," Dwight said finishing from the other side of the door.

"Well we don't subscribe to public services, so..."

"Jim just open the door. 20/20 just showed a very interesting feature and I'm very worried about Jill."

Jim and Jill exchanged glances. "Excuse me?"

"There was a recall..."

"On Jill?"

"No damn it just open up, Jim or I'll be forced to make a citizen's arrest."

"Um, I thought you weren't a volunteer sheriff anymore."

"I'm not, but you don't have to be to make a citizen's arrest."

"Well you do have to be inside to do that. And I'm not letting you in...and I haven't done anything that you could arrest me for, so...not sure what you're talking about."

"Jim, I could and will break down this door if you don't allow me inside."

"Well that's destruction of property so I'd have to have you arrested. By a real police officer, not a volunteer one."

"Damn it...ok, Jim if you don't want to know about the danger that your child is in, then so be it. But I will report you to child protective services."

Jim sighed and yanked the door open. "Dwight, what do you want? It's Friday night and they don't pay me enough for this."

"So...it's not like you're doing anything," Dwight said as he glanced around, taking in the empty pizza container on the coffee table, along with a baby bottle. He turned back to Jim and Jill. "You're sitting here watching...what is that?"

"It's Jill."

"No...I mean what's on TV."

"That's basketball."

"Ooh....yes," Dwight said disgustedly as he moved farther in. He stopped for a moment to glance at Jill. "Hello tiny one."

Jim tightened his embrace on the baby.

Without another word, Dwight kneeled in front of the living room wall. He surveyed the expanse of their entertainment center, he sighed and started to pull the unit away from the wall, but couldn't seem to manage it. After a few grunts and groans he looked up at Jim.

"Um...do you mind?"

Jim frowned. "Very much."

Dwight grit his teeth and Jim lost patience once more. He'd just finished dealing with this guy for the last eight hours! What had he done to deserve this extra quality time with Dwight?

"Do I mind what, Dwight!"

"Please help me move your entertainment center."

"I can't."

"Jim."

"I'm holding Jill so..."

"So isn't there a place you can put her? What is she...an invalid?"

"No."

"Jim I need to inspect your electrical outlets. It's very important that they are covered with childproof plastic...things."

Jim tried to think of another reason but decided to go with his first, only he added a little something extra to piss off Dwight.

"Well I can't put her down because she'll cry if I do...so..."

Dwight sighed. "Figures...spoiled."

"Dwight you can't move the entertainment center."

"Uh...exactly Jim. That's why I'm asking for your assistance. But you can't be bothered because you're too much of a girl to put down the child."

Jim sighed in frustration. "Dwight. If you can't move the entertainment system to get to the electrical outlet than how the hell is Jill gonna do it?"

Dwight stared at him for a moment, and then stood up. "Well then...such heavy equipment shouldn't be around either ....it could...crush her.......Show me to your kitchen."

Jim merely glanced to the side in gesture towards the kitchen.

"Oh...small apartment...Like a coffin. Aren't you assistant regional manager now? I'd think you'd be able to afford more than this."

"Wow."

"Although I can see why they haven't increased your salary. Since you got married your productivity has gone way down. I liken it to a prize fighter. A prize fighter isn't going to be on top form unless he's sex deprived. I prefer to be in prize fighting shape all the time," Dwight said absently as he moved into the kitchen.

Jim stood there for a moment, processing that. "I thought you had a girlfriend, Dwight."

"I do...and she respects my decision."

"So glad."

"You on the other hand have slipped."

"You know...that's really ok."

Dwight was mercifully quiet for a few moments as he inspected the outlets and appliances. But it didn't last long.

Jim was reaching into the refrigerator to pull out a chocolate pudding cup when he spoke again.

"Barbara Walters says it's amazing how many parents still do not know the basics on how to childproof their homes. I figured you were among the many who are clueless."

"Interesting...we're actually not. So if that's all you came for, you can actually leave now."

"Where's Pam? She'll be far more reasonable about this. Also, she probably has a better idea of dangerous kitchen appliances can be..." he said absently roaming into the kitchen then. "A Foreman Grille...of course."

"Well we're not gonna stick Jill's foot in it...so it's fine."

Because Jill's eyes were busily following Dwight, Jim opened up the pudding and scooped out a bit for her. Pam was wrong. She was ready for this. She loved it.

He laughed as she mouthed around for some more.

Dwight shook his head. "More than one safety issue I can see. Do you know the nutritional value of pudding?......Where's Pam? It's night time. She should be at home. With her child."

Jim shook his head as Jill continued to mush down the pudding. "She's out with Kelly."

"Bad idea. But I wouldn't presume to tell you how to manage your wife."

Jim's eyebrows shot up as he watched Dwight pull their coffee maker away from the wall, inspecting the outlet, the plug, and then...the filter.

"So glad you wouldn't be presumptuous about my management skills...thank you."

"Just don't come crying to me when their cycles begin to coincide."

"I promise I won't."

"You should be careful. As soon as Jill hits pre-adolescence you should keep her as far away from Pam as possible. If you don't, together they'll wreck havoc on your plumbing, make your life a living hell...especially if you still live here. I bet the plumbing is horrible in this old place."

Jim lifted his eyebrows at Jill, who promptly squealed in response. Jill's reactions to his facial expressions lately almost made up for Dwight being there.

"Thank you."

"If I have daughters I'm going to forbid them to menstruate, so..."

"Wow how about you go back to checking my electrical outlets."

"You actually have child covers installed in those...they look good. Pam did a nice job."

Jim eased along side him to take a look. There were little plastic guards filling all the holes. Hmm...

"From your shocked expression, I can only assume that Pam has done all the safe-guarding. Typical...your approach to much of life is so....haphazard. Did Pam make this list as well?" Dwight said then, glancing at the refrigerator. The No-Jill list was hung prominently.

"Uh...we made that together."

"You two have to remind yourselves not to give your child alcoholic beverages?"

"Sometimes."

Dwight shook his head disapprovingly and began to read. "The following items are not allowed within 5 feet of Jill: jello, staplers, coins...rattles?"

Jim pointed to it. "That's supposed to be followed by snakes....Sorry...Can't believe we forgot that.

Dwight sighed. "No wonder you need a list." Turning back, he kept reading. "Salsa, wasabi, horseradish, hamburgers -

"She can't really get her mouth around -

"Buttons, paint, paint brushes, knives, forks, breasts -

Jim reached up to scratch the back of his head, then pointed to the list. "That's a little hard to explain..."

Pam was trying to wean her off of breast feeding and she'd only recently updated the list to include breasts. This was the problem with their list...it was kind of made under the assumption that no one besides them would ever see it.

Dwight continued to read. "Todd Packer, People Magazine, Nicholas Cage, pickles, rodents, beets...

"Why did you put that on there?" Dwight sighed. "Is it because you know I love beets? Jim...beets would be the best thing for Jill. They are healthy -

"Make you gag."

"Delicious -

"Disgusting"

"And provide you with all the vitamins that you need to lead a healthy active life." Dwight managed finally, forcefully.

"Wait...uh, I thought you just needed to abstain from sex."

"Damn it...what else is on this idiotic list," Dwight said pulling it off the refrigerator.

"Careful," Jim said moving closer.

"God how many things are on here? Are you that forgetful Jim? Maybe I really will call child protective services"

"Only two hundred forty-five, at last count...that's not a lot. That's the third edition of the list."

Jim snickered as Dwight continued to read in dismay. "Hooters, Monopoly, ninja stars, nunchucks," he sighed. "Nun chucks is two words."

"Thanks for the tip."

"Bullets, sling shots, Dwigt...What's Dwi..." Dwight's voice trailed off and Jim stilled.

Crap. He'd forgotten they'd put Dwigt on there as a joke upon edits to the last edition.

Pam had said it was too mean to put Dwight's name on it, but they could put Dwigt.

Dwight turned to stare at Jim. "My name is spelled D-W-I-G-H-T. How many times do I have to tell you that Jim?"

"Pretty sure that's gonna be the last time."

Dwight slammed down the plastic C and H he'd been about to apply to their kitchen faucets.

"I come here to help you in some much needed child proofing and I am listed on your child proof list....I'll just be leaving."

Jim felt bad as Dwight started towards the door. "Oh man...come on...Dwight, we didn't mean anything by it. It was just a joke anyway...We actually have a neighbor named Dwigt."

"Oh!...Really Jim? Dwight said spinning around when he got to the door.

Jim shook his head. "No....But...listen...it's not even true anyway. I'll prove it to you...here...you can hold Jill."

"You've never let me hold Jill."

It was true. He hadn't held her on Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, he hadn't held her on any of the subsequent days Pam had brought her into the office and this was the first time he'd ever been to the apartment so...

Jill was nearing 5 months of age, and Dwight had never held her. Up until now Jim had taken a special kind of pride in that fact.

"Well," Jim said swallowing. "Then...it's time, right? Here you go...Jill," Jim began, introducing them. "This is Dwight...one of daddy's co-...friends. So...don't slobber on him...or try not to."

Jill went to Dwight a bit stiffly at first, but relaxed quickly as Jim moved into view and smiled at her.

Dwight pursed his lips together and said nothing for a long moment.

"She understands words, Dwight."

"No...I..." Dwight looked at him and Jim was shocked and completely disturbed to see a very light sheen of tears in his eyes. "She's...she's very beautiful Jim."

Jim folded his arms across his chest and smiled. "Yeah...thank you."

"Thank Pam, Jim...I didn't have sex with you."

"Proof that God exists...yes."

"Your bottles weren't the ones recalled."

Jim narrowed his gaze. This was the most insane interaction he'd ever had in his home. "That's...great."

"Pam can continue to wean Jill off of her breasts."

Jim reached out for his daughter. "You can just...give her back now."

Dwight handed her over, smiling at her as she moved into her daddy's arms. He watched as Jim kissed her cheek where a smudge of chocolate was.

He pulled the plastic C and H from his pocket. "Here are these. She's going to need to know what's hot and what's cold."

Jim nodded once. "Will do. Thank you."

Dwight nodded back and moved for the door, opening it and stepping over the threshold. "Good night Jim."

Jim smiled. "Thanks for the tips Dwight. Good night."

Jim shut the door and locked it behind him. He looked at Jill. "That's why he's on the list."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Jill Marie Halpert,

You're sleeping now and so is your mommy - Pam. Pam is your mommy and I'm your daddy - Jim. It's just occurred to me that someday you might wonder why we all have one syllable names. This was not by design I promise you. In fact mommy's name is Pamela. So there. We're not idiots. Though I guess you're bound to think we are at some point.

Wow, I am not good at this. I can't believe that those are the first words I ever wrote to you. But there's no turning back now. It would be disingenuous to change them and I don't think we should start our relationship off that way. Besides all that, I'm writing in ink. Just know that I'm ashamed of starting with the one syllable thing. Truly.

You should know that I use humor a lot. Especially when I have no idea of what else to do. How else to be. But enough about me...how's it going with you, Jill Marie Halpert?

I'm sitting outside of the nursery in the hospital right now and I swear I've never seen anyone sleep as soundly as you are. You're all pink and clean now - thankfully. You were born two hours and 5 minutes ago and I'm wondering when all of this is going to sink in. I'm also wondering if this journal and sketch thing that mommy came up with is a good idea or bad one.

About three weeks ago she bought a journal with blank pages (no lines - hence my diagonal words) and she decided that I would do the writing and she'd draw pictures to go along with each entry (if we're lucky maybe we can talk her into some of this writing as well). I'm not sure what she's going to draw for this entry, since I don't seem to be able to write anything in particular. I'm not sure what you'll think of this when you're old enough to understand. Mommy's real creative though and I'm sure this won't be the last of things that she comes up with.

Pam - your mommy has been telling me for months that you've been sucking the brain power away from her. Maybe you've done that to me as well. Or maybe it's because I've been up for almost 20 hours.

I'm looking at you again and I know right now in this moment...that this is real. You're real. You're mine and you're beautiful. Welcome to our little part of the world - it suddenly seems not so little at all.

I love you,

Daddy

~~~~~~~

Dear Jill,

I do not understand how you could not be overjoyed all day long! You get to spend the entire day with mommy and I! You must not realize what a fantastic gig you've got going here.

Poor mommy is feeling like maybe you don't love her the way you love me though. Which of course is ridiculous. Mostly you love that teddy bear that g-ma Halpert got you. An inanimate object that lets you drool all over it for hours on end? What's not to love about that?

Mommy loves you so much. Cut her some slack.

Your love fool,

Daddy

~~~~~~~

Dear Jill,

Men are idiots. This is a statement of fact that should not be ignored. It is a fact that pains me because sometimes - every now and then - this statement of fact includes yours truly.

My behavior with your mom and you by extension was inexcusable earlier today. We (your mommy and I ) were both so excited by the idea of you coming in to the office today. In to the place where we met! The place we've both spent so much time and just quite frankly wanted to show you off. You amaze us everyday by how freaking smart you are and how quickly you learn things. But anyway...obviously I digress - not wanting to point out what jerk I really was.

Roy came into the office with you and mommy. I realize you don't know who Roy is and that's great. We'll keep it that way.

No, just kidding. How shall I explain Roy...hmm...ok, let's keep in mind mommy is going to read this...

Roy is a man that mommy dated before she met daddy. Well after she met daddy too, but before she realized the error of her ways. And I am completely mature about this subject. So I wasn't really ready for the reaction that I had today when he walked into the office with you and mommy on Bring Your Daughter To Work day (seriously - you can tell this is going to be a great story, right? I mean come on! Bring Your Daughter To Work Day - can't you feel the drama already?!) Needless to say, I did not want to see Roy on your mom's arm. So I acted like a jerk. I wouldn't talk to mommy. I wouldn't talk to you.

You and mommy left and when I came home tonight, mommy started crying. Jill, I hate it when you and mommy cry. You I can take a bit more because you cry for things like hunger, or because you're wet, or because you're uncomfortable. You just cry because you want to cry. Mommy never cries though. But she cried today because I hurt her. This is completely unacceptable. Not her crying - me hurting her feelings.

I'm pretty sure the first time this happens with you (when it's not due to hunger or poop) it will probably hurl me into some massive depressive state. I'll try not to let that happen.

Now, the first time some other guy makes you cry - I'll kill him.

Not for realsies. Just kidding. Obviously I would have Dwight do it.

I love you,

Daddy

~~~~~~

Dear Jill,

Seriously? Cooey?

Ok, I don't really have anything else to say about it. I just want mommy to have to draw a picture of Cooey. ROCK ON COOEY!

Love ya,

Daddy

~~~~~~~

Dear Jill,

Don't tell mommy I gave you pudding.

Draw that.

Love you,

Daddy

~~~~~~~

Dear Jill,

In spite of what mommy says I am taking this journal very seriously. In fact, I am taking this so seriously that I am going to tell you about something that's been a problem since you were born. Something so devastating that mommy has been afraid to address it since you came to live with us. When I talk about it - she says I'm being unfair. Hurtful even. And that hurts me.

Jill please know that I don't say this to upset you...

You are a Bobble-Head.

I knew the moment you were born that something wasn't quite right. Your head wobbled around seemingly unattached from your body. We have to hold it upright whenever we move you around. It's just...Gosh, I'm finding it hard to talk about even now...I just - wow - let me get my bearings here...the words are getting blurry.

Ok, I think I'm alright...I just don't want this to effect your life in any way. It's starting to get better don't get me wrong. The doctors say you're condition will improve, but...I just...

It's too much.

I love you...so much,

Daddy

~~~~~~~

Dear Jill,

Seriously in trouble now. Mommy was not amused by my last entry. When you learn to talk if you could please let her know that you thought this was funny that'd be great. Thank you.

Love,

Daddy

~~~~~~~

Dear Jill,

You're sick. As we sit waiting for your doctor, I'm really annoyed that it's taking so long. Mommy called me over the phone to tell me she thought you were sick and I have to tell you, I couldn't think of anything but - she can't be sick. She's a baby. She's new and fresh and perfect. But you're sneezing and it's both cute and terrifying at the same time. And when I put my lips against your forehead like my mom used to do to me (still tries) you are burning up. That is the scariest part. I don't like that you're that warm.

I know being sick is ok - I know it's actually building up antibodies that will make you stronger. But still...you're miserable.

We don't like this. Get better

I love you,

Daddy

~~~~~~~

Dear Sweet Jill,

You're back! This morning when I woke up and went into your bedroom you were smiling up at your mobile and batting around bear. Your eyes looked sparkly and you turned towards me when I said good morning. No more germ invasion. That's the way mommy and I like it!

Mommy says she took you to the park today and you loved it. Sometimes it bums me out when I can't be around for things like that. Daddy's busy bringing home the bacon. Oh well...we'll go again this weekend. You're well!

Love you more than bear,

Daddy

~~~~~~~

Dear Jill,

This weekend was so much fun with you. Mommy gave us quite a bit of time to ourselves and I have to say you are such a fun girl! We watched some B-ball together, we went to a party at g-ma's. You were pretty in pink and smiled at all my jokes. It was one of the best dates I've ever had.

I think I've figured out which face it is that gets you going. Whenever I scrunch my eyebrows and pull one side of my mouth to the side you flip out. I'm almost as entertaining as Cooey now - no worries, I'm not offended by my status. I am confident that one of these days I will officially upstage Cooey - maybe.

Spending the weekend with you just showed me all the cool things you're learning though. You're rolling over, you're doing pretty well holding your own bottle. You're making a lot of sounds that are quite possibly the cutest things I've ever heard. You charmed all of g-ma's friends.

In love,

Daddy

~~~~~~~

Dear Jill,

There are things that I have to do for you, but I don't want you to ever think they are your fault. Years from now, if I come home complaining about my job - that I hate selling paper and everything that goes along with selling paper - Mommy will say (because at this point she's bound to be tired of my whining if she's put up with it for 20 years or whatever), ‘I told you a thousand times -quit!' and I'll say something stupid like ‘Pam, I have a family to support.' If those words ever come out of my mouth in your presence, know that staying at Dunder-Mifflin has been and is my own choice. Your mom isn't making me. You're not making me. I'm making me because I'm scared of what else might be out there. There. I admit it.

I'm good at it. I am, and I know that. I'm so good at selling paper in fact that I've been offered another promotion. They've realized that Jim Halpert can sell paper to just about anyone without even trying. This sounds unbelievably cocky but it's true. It's always been true. What's even truer though is that I'm scared shitless of a challenge (yes I said shit. My first curse word in your journal - I felt it was artistically necessary). I'm scared that as I move up any further in this company (yes it's become my career...gah) they'll realize that I don't really have any specific strategy or technique (unless I'm with Dwight....Wow, first Dwight reference too - sorry about that) and they'll see that it's all instinct. Instinct only takes you so far Jill. You have to use other things too. Strategy, etc. Anyway, daddy's scared and he made a real ass out of himself tonight with mommy when she tried to celebrate my promotion.

It sucks. You don't suck.

You are the supreme opposite of suckage.

I love you,

Daddy

~~~~~~~

Dear Jill,

You gave mommy and me such a big scare today when you hit your head on the coffee table. Evil coffee table is going on the No-Jill list as of now. We'll just put pillows in middle of the living room or something. That's comfy.

I love you more than all the leaves in all the trees,

Daddy

~~~~~~~

Dear Jill,

Isn't mommy a good artist? I flip through these pages sometimes and think about how lucky you are to have her as a mommy. How lucky we both are. Seriously, look at the tree on the page before - that's amazing. I love mommy.

Love,

Daddy

~~~~~~~

Dear Jill,

Wow...I was in the grocery store today and I heard an eight year old ask his mom where babies come from. Literally eight. It got me to thinking that one day you might ask me something similar and of course I'll lie. No...I don't mean that. I'll tell you the truth.

In fact I'll be brutally honest. Basically I'll point to the fact that when two people really love each other they get together, go down to a beet farm and choose the best possible beet they can find. Once that's done, they replant the beet. Why replant the beet once it's already been...horticultured, you ask? Well it's complicated and...beautiful. The two people who again - love each other soooo much - replant the beet in firm soil, water it...and over a period of 9 months allow the beet to grow. During the beets time in the ground it literally turns into a baby. It's...it's the most miraculous thing you've ever seen.

Your mom and I got you from a beet farm not too far away. One day when you're older and you read this, you can talk to Dwight about it. He'll be able to tell you even more about Baby Beets.

I hope you appreciate my honesty. It was hard, but something that I think you had every right to know.

Your progressive daddy,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Jill,

You said something today that really sounded like daddy it was like ‘daaah'. I know, I know...you're not talking yet. I know that. But still, I gasped like a little girl (no offense) when it happened. Just a head's up - if you say my name first I'll buy you a car.

Seriously, you think Mommy's gonna make you an offer like that? Come on.

Love you the most,

Daddy

~~~~~~~

Dear Jill,

Shut up! You crawled today...like for a few seconds. You pushed yourself up totally, like you've been trying to do for weeks now and suddenly you were crawling! Mommy dangled a pudding cup in front of you (cruel but effective) to try and keep you going. And then mommy actually had to give you the chocolate pudding. It was awesome. You crawling and mommy giving in - both awesome.

I realize that our excitement was probably what made you wipe-out. We were jumping around and then suddenly you were flat on your face...sorry - that of course was captured on videotape. Mommy says we should show it to all potential suitors. I said - what suitors? Also I suggested that she stop reading novels from the 1800's.

Did you know when you were inside mommy that your parents would be such dorks? I bet you didn't. If you had, maybe you would have moved to some other womb...I don't know. Sure glad you picked us though. You're funny - we love funny around here.

Good times here at Casa del Halpert.

Love,

Daddy

~~~~~~~

Dear Jill,

You can barely speak but you're trying to read. Again - we know you are a genius. Mommy was sitting with you on the couch earlier and reading you a story. Whenever she would stop reading you would try and pick up where she left off, making all these babbling noises as mommy moved her fingers across the words. You're a smart cookie.

Smart and beautiful. I think I'm gonna have a rough time of things when you get older. Seriously I'm not the kind of guy that people imagine sitting in his lazy boy with a Louiville slugger in his hands ready to take on your potential suiters. That's just not me, but I'll tell you what - the idea that one day you'll be walking and talking and going about things completely on your own makes me think seriously about breaking out in hives and buying a bat.

At the park the other day this boy baby was checking you out. I almost pushed him out of his stroller.

That's probably not a good sign.

Love you more than all other boys,

Daddy

~~~~~~~

Dear Jill,

I missed you so much! I officially hate business trips. Michael was bugging the crap out of me and all I could think about was getting home to you and mommy. I called you every night though - in case you don't remember. You're very interesting on the phone. Riveting really. That discussion on global warming...interesting perspective on it having something to do with what goes on inside your diaper. We could try publishing...You contact Gore. I'll get you an agent.

Also, just so you know I put up with tons of ridicule because of our conversations. Apparently I'm "whipped" - whatevs. Michael and Dwight at a...Hmm, wait...Wow - how does one talk about strip clubs to his daughter? ...Anyway, strip malls with Michael and Dwight are not fun. They're actually not fun just in general....ok, moving on.

You're cute over the phone. Cuter in person.

Love,

Daddy

Dear Jill,

The last 24 hours have been crazy. I was away for Uncle Marc's bachelor party and something really bad happened. Someone tried to break into the apartment. We don't know who yet. But you and mommy were alone here. It's gotta be somebody that knew that I wasn't going to be around and that freaks me the hell out because I just keep thinking they could come back.

Mommy said that she heard someone jerking on the door and she came really close to opening it because she thought maybe I'd decided to come home early and had lost my key in some drunken stupor or something (not that daddy gets plastered a lot, but it was a bachelor party). But she just froze in front of the door - something just told her that it wasn't me. She went and got you from your crib, grabbed her cell phone and then locked the both of you inside our bedroom. She heard the window break in the living room and then suddenly everything stopped....

Talking about it right now - even though I've heard her recount the story to the cops several times today, is making me want to vomit.

Anyway, I'm really tired because I've been trying to figure this all out with the cops. It seems that whoever it was got frightened away because of some sirens down the street.

That's it. That's the only reason they decided to stop trying to get in here. To stop trying to get to you, or mommy, or the stereo or whatever the hell else...

That is just...unacceptable. I know - weird word, but it's all I can think of. It's all I can do not to jump out of my skin over this. Nothing bad can happen to you or mommy. Ever.

Writing this, it's one of the few times I've put you down all day. You and me and mommy - all day long. I think I'm taking tomorrow off too. I'm never leaving the apartment again. I'm going to drive mommy crazy, but that's ok.

So glad you're ok.

Love,

Daddy

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pam felt the edges of sleep starting to fray. Something tugging her out of the already tumultuous couple of hours she'd had. Even though she was only semi-conscious, she knew by the temperature of the sheets that Jim wasn't back yet. It would be his fault if she had under eye circles in the morning.

It would also be his fault if she decided not to give it up tonight...Well who was she kidding? As soon as he got home, she'd probably -

What was that? Pam blinked a few times into the darkness and glanced over her shoulder at the alarm clock that sat on Jim's side of the bed. 2:23 a.m.

Whatever the sound had been, came again. Distinct and clear now that she was no longer asleep. The front door...being jerked back and forth against the frame...

"Oh....Jim come on," Pam mumbled, as she pulled her legs out from under the bedding that had failed to keep her warm. They were met with more cold and she hastily pulled Jim's t-shirt down over her bottom. "I swear if you wake Jill because you're too drunk to remember your key I'll kill you..."

On bare feet she padded towards the living room. When she was three feet away from the front door the jerking started again. This time she saw it. It was violent, angry...

Pam stopped in her tracks. Something prickly crept quickly up her spine.

It was not Jim on the other side of that door.

The jerking came again and Pam watched for a moment. Her eyes fixated on the knob as it jumped and jiggled. Grunts and mumbles coming from the other side...

Her eyes widened and her breath hitched just at the base of her throat. Her pulse kicked immediately into overdrive. Oh God...

Ok...ok...she - she had to get Jill and then...ok then she needed to call the police...ok...ok...maybe they'd just leave...

The jerking came again and Pam spun around. She jogged on tip-toes towards the nursery, trying to keep absolutely quiet and failing miserably. The floor beneath the carpet squeaked and popped.

Pam could hear her own breath heavy in her ears as she made her way into the nursery.  In the dark, she jammed her toe hard on the leg of Jill's crib and bit down on her lip to keep from crying out. She shut her eyes tight to the pain and opened them only a second later..."Ow...ok...

Tears had sprung to her eyes and she blinked them back. Leaning down carefully, she eased both hands beneath Jill and removed her from the crib. "Jill I need you not to wake up ok?...Just sleep...there you go...that's the way."

Typically Jill slept like the dead, but if for any reason she was woken up before it was absolutely time, she screamed bloody murder....please God.

The jerking and mumbling came again from just a few feet away and Pam pulled Jill to her chest, causing her to stir slightly. "Sssh...Mommy's sorry...I know...sssh....yeah....that a girl...just go back to sleep...it's ok...shssh..." she said as Jill's eye lids fluttered once, twice, then shut again.

Pam gave a quick prayer of thanks and rubbed Jill's back in slow circles even as her feet carried them frantically back towards her bedroom.

Shit...she needed her cell phone....where was....

Pam spun around in the hall...she'd been tired when she'd gotten home from the grocery store. She'd thrown her purse on the kitchen counter...ok...yes...

With one hand Pam managed to get into her purse. She yanked her cell phone out and was flipping it open before she got into her bedroom. She locked the door behind her and started to dial. Cursing out loud when the buttons made noise. Wasn't there a setting you could choose where the buttons wouldn't...fuck. Fuck.

Her hands shook as she waited for an answer and pulled the comforter off the bed, draping it over herself and Jill. "This'll keep us warm......Pick up...pick up please..."

Jerking again. What the hell...whoever it was wasn't even sure how to go about breaking and entering properly! Not that she was complaining, but. -

"If this is a life threatening emergency please say ‘yes' now or press any number key."

That's when she heard the glass break.

~~~~~~~

"Thanks for not letting him kill himself," Melissa said, draping a cold wash cloth over Marc's forehead. "I'm sure he probably tried to talk you into letting him drive over to my place to apologize for the lap dance."

Jim chuckled tiredly and shook his head at the drool that slipped out of his ex-roommates open mouth. The guy was completely and totally plastered. His head lulled to one side and Melissa pushed it back on the couch, none too gently.

The guy was gonna be so sorry in the morning.

"Not a problem. I'm just sorry you had to come over, Mel."

"Well I'm not. This is just another thing to add to the list," she said, kneeling next to her fiancé.

"The list?"

"Oh yeah...the list of reasons why Marc should basically allow me to decide on every detail of our first house together and the first car we buy together. And an upgrade in engagement ring. This is exactly the kind of ammo I needed...so thank you."

"Wow," Jim said shoving his hands in his pockets. He tried not to glance at the clock on the wall above Marc's fireplace again. "Glad I could be of service."

"You're more help than you know...all those other schmucks just left him here to like...suffocate in his own vomit or something...so it's nice to know he's still got a friend in you."

"Always."

Melissa stood up on a sigh. "Well for tonight ‘always' is over. You are officially relieved of drunk-sitting. Go home to your wife and baby...Pam's probably wondering where the heck you are."

"She's knocked out by now," Jim said with fained nonchalance. He pretended it was the first time he'd glanced at his watch all night long.  He'd wanted to go home for hours now. But it was probably bad form for the best man to leave early. "Wow...yeah it is really late isn't it?"

Melissa smiled knowingly. "Oh man...somebody really is a family man. I remember when two-thirty in the morning used to be early for you."

Jim rolled his eyes. How many times had he heard this from one source or another lately? It was true he guessed. He hadn't been out this late in over a year. The thing was, he didn't particularly miss it.

"Don't start."

"I'm not starting anything. I think it's very nice," Melissa said genuinely. She moved away from Marc and the couch that appeared to be his final resting place for the night, long enough to kiss Jim on the cheek. "Go, get out of here and tell Pam I said hi. Kiss Jilly for me."

"Will do," Jim said giving her a hug. "Are you sure you don't want me to help you get him up the stairs?"

"No, no...You go on ahead. I'm pretty sure being all stiff from the couch in the morning is going to serve him right....You ok to drive? You don't need a cab do you?"

Jim had stopped drinking about three hours ago but he wasn't about to add more fuel to her ‘family man' fire.  "Nah, I'm good. High tolerance."

She rolled her eyes because she knew better. "See you later...Drive safely."

"Next week," Jim said smiling as he paused in the doorway to pull on his jacket. "Big day."

Melissa smiled softly as she moved back to Marc, lovingly brushing his hair away from his forehead. "I'll be the one with the veil on."

"Hm, interesting...you should probably talk to Marc about that, because I'm pretty sure he wanted to wear it."

Melissa giggled, "See ya," as Jim pulled the door closed behind him.

"See ya Mel...Sober up Marc!"

~~~~~~~

Pam sat on the couch, gently rocking Jill. Only half aware that they were still talking to her as she gazed at the shards of glass on the living room carpet.

After the adrenaline rush, came fatigue...an actual chemical change in your body. What was that phenomenon that they had talked about in her beginning psychology class in junior college? She couldn't remember...

She and Jim were supposed to take Jill for photos today...in nine hours. They had an appointment. She'd probably have to cancel.

"Pam are you certain that the perpetrator never said a word?"

"Dwight, I'll ask the questions ok...just - let me."

"Ok Sheriff Pierce, but I really feel that since I know the victim she might be more comfortable talking to me about what happened."

"Mrs. Halpert? I know you're probably very tired, but I do need to confirm with you that you never heard a voice. Anything that they might've said could be important....even things that seem completely irrelevant."

Jill shifted in her arms, bringing Pam back to the here and now.

"What? I'm sorry..."

"Don't be," Sheriff Pierce said calmly. "Just...did you hear anything when the individual was at the door?"

"I..." Pam shook her head. "There were sounds but I couldn't make it out...um, yeah no. They didn't say anything specific..." She looked down. "I know, honey, you're getting hungry aren't you?" Pam said, looking down at Jill again as she fidgeted, her little brow creasing as she turned towards Pam's breast. "I know...soon, ok?"

She was weaning. They were on a very strict schedule of bottles only at night. Jill had been a very good girl and hadn't fussed much at all about it. Right then, though...something inside of Pam wanted Jill to have what she wanted. She wanted it really badly.

Tears suddenly sprang up in Pam's eyes.

She blinked hard. She hadn't cried all night long and she surely wasn't about to do it now in front of all of these people. Dwight...

God, Dwight was here.

He spoke from his perch on the couch next to the sheriff. He'd arrived at almost the same time as the cops had. "Pam, catching a perp hinges on the witnesses' ability to give an accurate account of what occurred."

"Dwight...please," the sheriff said patiently. "Why don't you see if any of the other officers need any assistance?"

"You want me to dust for prints?"

"No...actually I don't."

"Sweep the perimeter?"

Pam glanced down at those shards of glass again. Jilly was crawling now. They'd have to make sure they got every last little bit of that up. What if she cut her hands or her little feet or her little baby soft knees?

The sheriff nodded at Dwight. "Sure thing. Thank you. That'd be a big help."

"I'm on it!" Dwight said standing up quickly. He was out the door in a flash. Pam watched his eyes sweep quickly over the landing, just before he bounded loudly down the stairs.

Pam gave a quick thought to her neighbors. God, Mr. Jensen was going to be on their case later...Dwight was going to wake them all...

Whatever, they were awake by now anyway with the police trampling in and out.

"As much I hate to admit it, Dwight is right Mrs. Halpert. If there's anything else at all that you can tell us..."

"I don't think that there is."

She wanted Jim. That's what she wanted to tell the sheriff. She wanted him to go out and find Jim and bring him home right this instant. That probably wouldn't be appropriate to say though.

Pam tried to be as inconspicuous as she could, pulling the collar of her robe back just enough to lower her head to the t-shirt that she wore beneath. She inhaled long and deep.

"Listen, most of the time these kinds of attempted break-ins are kids. No professional makes that kind of noise when he's trying to rob a place. They typically don't break a lot of glass either," the sheriff said glancing towards the window. "Another reason I think this guy was an amateur is the fact that he was probably scared away by the sound of our sirens in the area.......Now...other times though, and this is the reason it'd be most important to know detail is when it's possibly someone that the victim is familiar with -

Pam looked away. "Somebody we know..."

"Maybe. Possibly. By like I said this seemed very amateur."

"Well I don't think I know any pros...so...either way."

"Ok," The sheriff said and smiled softly at her a little bit like maybe she was crazy. "So you didn't hear anything...That's fine, Mrs. Halpert. Exactly what time was it when you first heard the door being jerked back and -

"Pam?..."

She looked up instantly at the sound of Jim's voice. She was on her feet and walking to the front door before he crossed the threshold, leaving the sheriff alone on the couch. One arm held Jill, the other snaked quickly around Jim's neck.

He nearly fell forward with the force of her impact. His wrapped his arm around her waist to still them both. "What the....Pam, what's going on?"

She shook her head and he pulled back far enough to look at her, then Jill. His eyes sweeping quickly over them. "There's police all over the -

"Somebody tried to break in."

"What?"

"I don't know...I was just...asleep and then...it was like..." Pam felt his hands on her forearms. She took the deep shuddering breath that she couldn't hold in any longer. The one that had been trying to break free for the last hour...

This was exactly why she hadn't called his cell phone in front of all of these people. She'd known...she'd known as soon as she heard his voice that all the seams that held her together would start to unravel.

"Somebody was jerking on the door...I thought it was you..."

Jim watched over her shoulder as the sheriff started to rise from his seat on the couch and walk towards them. What the fuck...

"Mr. Halpert, I'm -

Jim shook his head, and pulled Pam close. Not wanting to hear it. Just wanting to hold her. Her head fell against his chest and when he felt her sniffle he shook his head again, lifting his eyebrows in warning for the officer to sit back down on the couch. Not now.

"The perimeter is..." Dwight's voice trailed away as he stood on the threshold, noticing that Jim was home. He stepped forward a second later, waiting....waiting some more...it was like the longest hug in the history of all hugs...

When Pam finally pulled away, Dwight started to speak. "I -

But then Jim was kissing his daughter on the forehead and his lips just lingered there for the longest time. Jill glanced around, just as confused as he was Dwight thought to himself.

He saw Jim blink several times and swallow. Oh...Dwight took a deep breath. "Good evening Jim."

Jim turned and blew a long breath out of his mouth, his arm still around Pam's shoulders.

"Hi Dwight....What are you -

"Police scanner."

"Of course."

"Sheriff Pierce, the perimeter is clear. Unfortunately there weren't any visible signs of disturbance....Jim maybe you should look...since you would know more what to look for."

Jim nodded at him. "Yeah...thanks Dwight. I'll do that."

Dwight seemed to wait for him to hop to it.

"Not now though."

Dwight nodded. "Suit yourself...sometimes evidence fades. I'd do it soon if I were you."

Jim nodded absently. "Will do."

Pam swallowed hard. "Thanks for coming over Dwight...It was really, really nice of you."

"Not a problem. I was on my way home from a Battlestar Gallactica theme night with my buddies anyway."

Jim nodded again and Dwight nodded back. "Ok...well I guess I'll be going. Sheriff let me know if there's anything else you need. I'd be happy to come into the station bright and early."

"Sure Dwight...but you should really get home and get some sleep."

"Schrutes can survive on very little sleep. So no need."

"Ok. Well...perfect. I'll call you," she sheriff said tiredly.

"Excellent. Good night."

They all watched Dwight as he closed the door behind him. Pam shut her eyes for a long moment and felt Jim's lips on her temple.

"I'm sorry you two, but Mr. Halpert I was just about to run through the night one last time with your wife....then I promise I'll leave you alone."

Pam took a deep breath as Jim slid a solid, warm hand down to the small of her back.

"Ok."

~~~~~~~

Jim sat the cordless phone back into his cradle on the kitchen counter and moved through the apartment towards the living room. He studied the place where he'd boarded their window and then glanced at the door. He'd have the landlord install another lock first thing tomorrow. Also they'd change the ones they had...Get new keys.

He stared at it for a moment. It looked fine. No worse for the wear.

Whoever it was obviously didn't have a key dumbass...So what, you get new fucking locks anyway.

Pressing his lips together he turned away from the door and went back to the kitchen, grabbing two beers from the refrigerator. They both dangled from one hand as he walked towards their bedroom.

He needed to just...get it together. Take off the edge...But all the quiet now almost made him more edgy. It was weird. They'd gone from too much noise just a few hours ago when all the cops had been here, to too much quiet.

Twilight wrapped a deep blue cloak around his wife and child as they sat on the edge of the bed. Pam was nursing again.

Jim sat a beer down next to her on the nightstand. She looked at it long enough for him to know she wanted it, but then shook her head. "Can't."

"...Right. Sorry..." he said shaking his head as he sat down next to her. He took a long pull from his own bottle. "You could pump and dump. Can't think of a better time to get a little snockered, Beesly..." he added, with a lightness he didn't feel.

"That's ok..."

"K....Um, I ordered a pizza."

"Oh, you did?"

What was that sound in her voice? He was pretty sure the subtext of her question was: ‘Oh...right. I forgot for a moment that you were an idiot - My bad. Thanks for staying out till the fucking break of dawn idiot. Thanks a lot. No need to worry about your wife and daughter - way to go, Halpert...My fucking hero.'

That wasn't what she was thinking. At least not exactly. Not with as many expletives anyway.

Jim cleared his throat, "Yeah...that ok?"

"No...yeah...of course...I just..." Pam shook her head. "She's really hungry today," she said looking down at Jill as she nursed. "Aren't you Jilly?" Pam said, her voice morphed instantly into a my-sweet-little-baby tone.

Wow. He'd guessed right. She HAD been thinking that. That was pretty much the only way you could justify that drastic of a topic switch mid sentence.

Jim brushed his palm along Jill's soft brown hair. So soft..."Did you not want pizza?"

"No it's fine. I just...someone coming over again...it seems like we just got everyone out of here...The cops, your mom, my parents staying forever...Dwight again."

Oh... Jim smiled. "Yeah...I hadn't even thought about. I'm sorry...."

So he hadn't been EXACTLY right about what she'd been thinking. The specifics were wrong, but the gist was the same: idiot.

Jim looked down at his hands. He drummed his fingers against the denim that covered his knees and shook his head after a moment. "I wasn't thinking."

Pam rubbed his thigh. "It's not a big deal. Pizza sounds good."

Jim made a sound that very clearly meant he did not agree. He shook his head once again and leaned forward on a sigh, covering his face with his hands for a long moment.

"You ok?"

It took him a moment to answer. He stared straight ahead, not looking at her when he finally said, "No."

"Me neither......In fact," Pam said quietly. "I'm pretty sure you're gonna have to take her away from me tonight. She's never had so much to eat in her entire life...she's gonna explode."

Jim grinned softly. "She looks happy."

A moment passed as they both gazed down at their baby girl. Alive...healthy...ok.

"I don't think I'll be much help in that area," Jim said, looking up suddenly into Pam's eyes. "I planned on moving her crib right there...into that corner," he added squinting as he pointed towards it.

The corner next to the master bathroom was pretty much not a corner at all. It was too tight for even a small chair to sit, let alone Jill's massive crib.

"Pretty sure it won't fit there," Pam countered gently.

"Pretty sure that doesn't matter...We didn't really like that bathroom anyway did we?"

Pam smiled widely for the first time all day. "No...we didn't."

Silence filled the room for a few moments as Jill finished nursing. Pam passed her to Jim wordlessly knowing that he wanted to hold her. He draped a cloth over his shoulder and patted his daughter softly on the back.

Pam pulled her legs up on the bed and snuggled close to them. "I think the sheriff was right. It was just some kid...don't you think? I mean that makes sense as to why they just ran off when they heard that siren."

Right, the phantom siren, Jim thought. The siren that only the police seemed to know about. None of his neighbors had heard any damned siren. In fact they hadn't heard any disturbances at all. Nobody had head anything at all until the police showed up. Even Mr. Jensen who could apparently hear their five month old snoring all the way down on the first level of the building, had not heard someone trying to break their door down.

Jim scratched the back of his head. "You didn't hear a siren."

"I know, but it's not like the police don't know when they've got patrol calls in the area, Jim...If there was an accident just a couple of blocks away...it would make sense that there was a siren."

Jill burped softly and Jim turned to dab at her mouth with the cloth on his shoulder. He kissed her head for probably the 20th time that day and started to rub her back again. She curled her tiny little fingers inside his t-shirt collar, the way she sometimes did when she was exhausted.

"Or it's somebody we know...somebody who knew I was gone..." Jim said finally.

"That's......Jim, we don't know anybody who'd do that. It's not like we have a lot of fancy stuff."

Jim shook his head. He didn't have anything to say to that. People wanted all kinds of things from people. Maybe it wasn't stuff the guy was after. Who the fuck knew! It didn't matter. He was never leaving the apartment again any way. And he'd finally pick up the baseball bat he'd left at Mark's place. They could keep it in the bedroom closet.

He tried to still the thoughts that ran rampant in his head as Pam started to talk again. He felt like his brain was literally buzzing. And some of what it was buzzing with didn't even make any sense!

What else can you do...what else can you do...do SOMETHING. Don't just fucking sit here.

"I just don't want to make this bigger than it is. I don't want us to be..."

Jim looked up at her words, she was shaking her head.

"I don't know what I'm trying to say..." Pam finished.

What she felt was fear though and she knew unequivocally that she did not want to feel that. She'd never felt anything but safe in this apartment. Not because they lived in the best of areas, but just...because. Because it was hers and Jims and nothing could really touch them as long as they were together. Or so she'd thought.

"I..." Jim chuckled suddenly and she knew it wasn't due to any kind of amusement. "Pam when I came up those stairs...I flipped out. I mean for God's sake...obviously something had happened right? I saw all the police cars in the parking lot...and I don't know what the hell I thought...maybe Mr. Jensen left his toaster on or...I don't know...I just...so stupid."

"I know..." Pam whispered. She reached up to rub his back and felt the knots even before she really applied any pressure. She pressed her fingertips into his shoulders and kneaded.

Jill was fast asleep on his other side, her lips parted slightly. Pam hoped she was dreaming of something really, really good. She wouldn't have any recollection of last night right? Of this day? Of course not...she was too young.

"...Cops standing around and your front door wide open at three a.m...I gotta tell you Pam, that is not something you want to see when you come home at night."

She moved her fingers up towards his neck, continuing to massage. "I'm sorry I didn't call you to warn you or...I just...suddenly they were here - really quickly thank God...and I needed to be coherent...I knew as soon as I heard you or saw you..."

He nodded. He already knew. He also knew that she'd been holding something back when she'd talked to them. It was pretty obvious to him, but it hadn't been to them. Listening to her now though he knew it wasn't some detail she was omitting that could potentially help them catch anyone. It was something else...something she didn't want him to hear for some reason.

"How scared were you?"

"Jim..."

Ah. So here it came. "Seriously. I mean I wasn't here...On a scale of 1-10, 10 being holy shit..."

Pam made a face and shrugged. "Obviously it was scary...someone was trying to break in...But I was ok. We were ok," she said glancing at Jill.

Jim found her eyes and squinted. "You were? Even then?"

She tried to swallow the tears but it was no use as she looked from his eyes and back to her sweet, peaceful baby.

"...I just kept shushing her," Pam said, her voice cracking slightly. "Trying to get her to just stay asleep - not make a sound. Then I heard the glass break...that's when I..."

Pam paused for a long moment, and Jim reached up to brush her bangs away from her eyes. He watched them dart towards their closet.

"I put Jill in there - at the bottom....I shoved your tennis shoes out of the way and just...sh-shut the doors...and then I pushed a chair in front of the closet...I was just praying she wouldn't wake up and be...be more scared of the fact that I put her in the stupid...fucking dark closet."

Pam lost it then. Her face crumpled and her shoulders started to shake. Jim pulled Pam close.

"I'm sorry," he whispered into her ear. She shook her head and made a face, so he said it again. "I'm sorry."

"I almost opened it...I came so close to opening that door, Jim. I thought it was you...I totally thought it was you..."

Jim kissed her softly. He used his thumb to smooth away some of her tears. "But you didn't...and we're good right? I mean...seriously...Everything's good. Jill's good. You're good. I'm good. We're all good."

She nodded in his hands and leaned towards his lips.

So, maybe this was doing something...It wasn't installing new locks, it wasn't a baseball bat, and it sure as hell wasn't catching whoever it was that had succeeded in freaking them both out, but this it was something. It was big.

Making them alright...right? That was something.

Pam smiled at him through her tears. "Yeah...everything's ok."

He smiled back through his own glassy eyes. "Yeah."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Pam,

While you were in those final minutes of labor and I was doing...well nothing, I had the briefest flash of something that I could do. I started thinking about what a great mom you already were. How you were already thinking ahead and how I wished I was a little better at that...so, I was inspired by your idea of our keeping a journal for Jill. I figured that since you were making me... oooh wait, since you had inspired me to share my thoughts and feelings with her...that maybe I might do the same with you. So, a few moments ago I ran downstairs to the gift shop, praying that they had some kind of journal...and they did- with puppies on it. You like puppies...so I guess it's ok, but it still seems a little less like the sentiment I was going for.  Based on the level of lame that the inside of this journal turns out to be you will either receive this journal on your very first Mother's Day...or you wont.  

So here goes my very first set of thoughts and feelings (not ever - just tonight):

I love you.

I know. I know. Goes without saying right? I mean how could I not? But Man alive, what you went through these past several hours...I could not even fathom having been through. (Alright, this is turning out not to be as romantic as I thought it would be). But I just...We have a daughter Pam. And we have her because of you. Because you brought her here with blood, sweat and tears. For this, and because of this, I love you about a 1000 times more than I did yesterday. And there was a pretty high level of love already, Bees. You can do anything. That's about the only thing in life I'm certain of.

Wow. So this might be pretty sappy at times...so you know - try not to laugh. Thank God for the written word, huh? Could you imagine if I said this stuff in person? (Ok so sometimes I do), but not this sappy. This is like teeth rotting sap.

I'm looking at her right now...Jill  - our daughter. I just finished with her journal entry and I just still can't believe it. Jill Marie Halpert is beautiful (don't get me wrong - I'm with you - she wasn't when she first came out, but she is now). You'll be very happy when you wake up. A clean baby is a better baby.

You're beautiful. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. To infinity...thank you.

Your husband on the first day of our first child's life,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

Whoa. I did not expect that. Breast feeding? I think maybe I didn't understand what it actually was when we first talked about it. I mean... obviously, I knew it. We talked about it. You told me you wanted to give it a go...but seriously. That's - that's crazy. I mean I literally think it's insane.

I just can't reconcile that breasts...can do that. I mean I love breasts. I am the biggest proponent of breasts - your breasts in particular. But I just don't understand how it happens. One day there is no milk at all - I mean I don't know about you, but I've never encountered any during my explorations of that area. Then...the next day - there is. I mean I know it wasn't literally "the next day". But it certainly did happen fast! Nine months? Nine months is all it takes for breasts to fill up with milk? Are you SERIOUS? I mean it's not even that they just fill, it's that it's produced. Produced and stored and then used! It literally just COMES OUT. .I know...I know. I'm sounding like Michael. Michael would be this astonished by lactation. Well here's to Michael, because God help me I am perplexed...You know, I think we should give a hardy cheers to Michael because it must be difficult being him - this perplexed all the time. Yes, so cheers to Michael! And cheers to you Pam - with a big heaping helping of breast milk!

Wow,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

Redacted. Don't know what I was thinking. REDACTED.  I can only blame the previous entry on lack of sleep. Surely you can understand.

Shamefully,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

I can't think of a time when I've had this much fun. I am slightly delirious...I think we both are. The haze that I find myself in is a real thing...but good. There was a moment today when she was crying, and you looked at me and I looked at you...and we suddenly just started busting up. It was probably completely inappropriate. I mean our daughter - or baby girl - was crying her lungs out and we just...laughed. So wrong...but Pam it had to be done, and God I'm so glad I'm going through this with you. You are...perfect. You are thinking what I'm thinking and thank God you are.

Beesly, I'm not even sure I showered today. I'm sure you'll tell me once I come to bed....but wow. I do not think I've ever been this tired or this f-ing happy. Pam, it's midnight and I should be asleep because she's gonna wake up in two hours.

What am I telling you that for, right? Jill is fun but so high maintenance...I mean seriously. Like we have all night and day to just be at her beck and call? Drama.

Coming to bed now,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

You are so good at this. I keep looking for the Cliff's Notes or something on your side of the bed, but I haven't found any yet so I've come to the conclusion that you either took a class without me or you are just much better at this than I am.

You know all kinds of things - like songs that I've never heard of, facial expressions that I've never seen....and you can make a toy out of anything. Seriously - an old glove, a sock, a paper plate, dishwashing liquid, a box of tissues...the list seems endless. Yesterday I tried to entertain Jill with my watch.

She did not seem amused.

In learning who this new little person is, I find that I'm learning more and more about who you are. You're the kind of mom every kid wishes they had. You're warm, and sweet, and beautiful, and funny, and whenever you kiss her little toes I think I fall in love with you all over again. Pretty sure you've got it locked down with her too.

Happy to know you,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam

You thought about giving her away today. I know you did. That's ok though, you're still a good mom. I know you had good foster parents picked out for her.

Glad you rethought that,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

I'm going back to work today. SUCK-Y.

I'm going to miss you so much. I wonder if guys are supposed to get as worked up over this stuff. Is that sexist? I hope not. I just really miss you already. You're sleeping and so is Jill. I don't want to leave my girls - how's that for being confident in my masculinity? I miss you already.

I know you're worried about being alone with her, but you shouldn't be. I'm the one who should be worried about today. You two will bond, do girl stuff together and decide to leave me out of it completely. The Halpert Trio will become a duo and that'll be that. You'll be secretly giggling about something when I come home. You'll have painted each other's toenails and decided that boys are yucky.

Please don't call me Yucky,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

Wow, two entries in one day. Unbelievable, right? I must be really dedicated and sweet....OR I'm an idiot.

Listen, I know we've already made up, but I feel the need to document this day in history since it's my first huge fuck-up. I say that not with cockiness, but just in recognition of the fact that you and I have made it this far without any major blow-outs. That's huge, right? I mean we've argued before, but never like this. Until today, I'd never been scared that things might not be the same when I saw you again.

You know, on the way home tonight I started thinking back to when we were first dating and I knew this day would come. In fact, a part of me actually wanted it to happen back then. Not so that we could go through this part, but so I could show you how deeply flawed I was (am). Sometimes back then - in the beginning of this part of us - the way you looked at me was scary. Like I could never do anything remotely wrong. Even when I was just a guy who slept over and happened to load the dishwasher. You didn't look at me like that today.

Thank you for loving me anyway,  

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

Tonight was so weird. I guess because we've been avoiding the topic of not having sex for a long-long-long time. I think I said something like ‘it doesn't matter,' when you got all down on yourself...and I know I corrected myself but I don't think I did it clearly...because obviously it matters. When I'm not with you, I miss you (in all the ways that someone can miss someone that they are very attracted to). But I can deal. I'm not going to die. I dealt with not being with you, for a long time and I can deal with it for awhile longer. It'll be hard, but doable (That's what she said!)

Pam, you made us a baby...I think you can pretty much hold out on anything you want to. Seriously...I'm so in love with you. Relax.

Love,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

I love so much about the things Monopoly chooses to be.

Wow,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

In the name of all that's holy, apparently it is abstinence that makes the heart grow fonder.

Do you think we should hold a seminar or something because that was...

Wow,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

Ok. I love you in pretty much anything you wear to bed. Your old t-shirts, my old t-shirts, nothing at all. But lingerie...not half bad. I've never been a lingerie guy, seriously. I don't want to get too much into that. But, that thing you wore last night...

You make me want 69 Cup of Noodles,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

I love you.

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

A No-Jill List??? This is exactly why I married you.

Let's make out,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

If I could take back ever being with anyone else...I wouldn't. I know - romantic right? But there it is...If I had never been with anyone else and I had met you immediately - right out of the gate - I wouldn't realize what I have in you (I know me - I wouldn't have. Way too self-involved...Unbelievable I know, but it's true)

I know there are certain things that will always royally piss the both of us off. Certain names that when we hear them...might always make our skin crawl. You have yours and you know better than anyone that I have mine. But who even cares anymore? I mean really!

Pamela Halpert you are perfect and everything I want.

I love YOU,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

How long before we have to stop having sex in the kitchen? And as an aside...now you know why I wanted three kitchens, don't you?

Thinking ahead,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

Stop snorting cocaine and read to your child once in awhile ok? Jeez. So tired of this.

Bored at work,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

OK! You were right - the lyrics are not "after all the hooey we've been through...I will make it up to you. I promise you". I just Googled. It is in fact "after all that we've been through." Sorry, I couldn't bring myself to be wrong face to face.

But seriously who sings that way,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

Uh...how the hell do you do it?

I love Jill. Jill and I had a great time. Don't take this as a reason not to leave us alone together, or as me complaining...because it's not a complaint - we had a blast. But she takes so much energy. After a day alone with my daughter I am completely and totally worn out! I thought about laying her in a basket and sailing her down the river, but then I thought about how much her grandparents would miss her so...

Listen, do you feed her because she eats like she's never been fed, she cries like someone is literally torturing her, and she's just ornery. Wow...I just used ornery in a sentence. I'm officially my mom. That's nice.

You are officially the best mom ever.

In awe,

Jim

P.S. No really, she's a pleasant girl when you shake her.

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

Not sure whether to say thank you for putting up with me, thank you for believing in me, or both.

I haven't made a decision yet about this whole promotion thing, but it's so cool to know that you're gonna put up with me whatever decision I make. Thank you for making this whole thing - this whole marriage and family thing - even better than I thought it would be.

Love,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

Can you believe she crawled today? I can't. I mean I know she's been wanting to for awhile. Doing the whole push-up thing, revving up like a race car only to fall backwards on her butt (thank God for diaper pads - I think athletes should look into those. I actually might wear one on the basketball court this weekend if you don't mind), but seriously... I woke up today and it was just a normal day. It wasn't the day that I thought our little girl would get mobile for the first time.

Pretty soon she'll be standing, walking, asking for her own cell phone...oh my God, I literally just got goosebumps on my arms thinking about it. What the hell are we gonna do when she's walking? She's going to literally be able to get around on her own - without us. She can decide she wants to leave the apartment, get a car, run away with the mailman. All of that! All of that could happen Pam.

I for one have decided to start working on a contract for her. A contract that clearly forbids her to leave here. In fact, even when she starts school I think she should have to sign in and out of the house so that we know exactly when she's left and when she's scheduled to arrive home.

Now, I hear what you're saying already. You're saying...Obviously Jim, there will be a start and finish to the school day, But even so Pam...even so. This is our child we're discussing. She's going to be sneaky and cunning and hip to the ways of her so-called "school" and will be able to figure out how to circumvent things like gates and bell schedules. All I'm saying is that it's time to start watching her...she's not as innocent as she seems. Don't let the baby talk and drool fool you Pam. I need you in this with me. Look alive.

Hip to Jill's game,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

I'm so happy to be home. So happy to be with you. So happy to not be with Dwight and Michael for one more second.

I hate Hooters, I hate strippers, I hate conventions, I hate Michael's after parties.

I love you. I love Jill. I love this apartment....I love your boobs. (Doh! Too much time with Michael! SORRY!)

Yours,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

I can't sleep. I've tried and tried and I can't do it. I'm completely and totally exhausted and still I can't. And this is gonna come out completely wrong because my head is a mess. I just keep listening for that asshole. Waiting for him to come back. I know I shouldn't dwell on this. I know it will eat us both alive. I know you're right and it was probably just a one time thing that was completely meaningless, but it doesn't seem that way.

It seems huge. It seems like I should do something. But...like I said earlier tonight...we're happy, we're healthy, we're alive. Jill's ok. Yes.

Pam, I would have done everything that you did. I swear to God I would have done whatever I had to, and don't feel bad for doing the same. You're my freaking hero. You are and I love you.

LOVE,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

I think I know where your panties are now...and I'm not telling. Maybe you should retrace your steps! Maybe we should call Marc and Melissa and find out if any of their gifts contained a little something extra?

Immoral Pam...just plain immoral.

That was the best wedding ever,

Jim

P.S. Aside from ours...calm down.

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

I can't tell you that I understand exactly what you were feeling today. I can't tell you that I wasn't actually a teensy bit excited about the prospect of another new exciting adventure, but I do know that you are the best mom ever and you shouldn't feel even the slightest bit guilty about being relieved that it wasn't an adventure that was meant for us quite yet. I'm not crazy. I know it would have been a hardship.

When we're ready for more, we'll have more.

We are more than enough,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

Wow. Aren't you affectionate? If I am reading that reaction correctly - this was a good gift.

Happy First Mother's Day,

Jim

"Only Humping Day and already you're slacking off," Dwight proclaimed, staring at Jim with blanket disproval. "Dunder-Mifflin isn't paying you to play with your phone, Jim."

Jim snapped his cell phone shut, effectively blocking the picture of Jilly and Pam that was displayed so happily as his background. "That's not what it's called."

"Oh no Jim...it is definitely called slacking. And that's what you're doing...so...do some work Jim, or when Michael gets back from corporate, I'll tell him you've done nothing."

Jim sighed. He wasn't in the mood for this today. He wasn't sure quite sure what he was in the mood for but it certainly wasn't Dwight's insufferability - if that was even a word.

"It's called Hump Day."

"What?"

"Nothing....Just...mind your own business Dwight," he said rolling his cell phone around in his big hand.

"Um, Jim...this is my business and you work for it...so by extension you are my business."

"I don't work for you."

"You work for Dunder-Mifflin...which is my business, which makes it my business. Which makes you my business."

"Ok. Um good," Jim said, finally giving in. "I need a raise."

"I'm sorry?"

"...I work for you - I think you should give me a raise." Jim leaned back in his seat, folded his arms across his chest and started listing his virtues. "I get here on time, my numbers are great, customers love me, and I've recently made an addition to my family...so...there you have it."

"Jim...none of this is of any concern to me."

"Wait - I thought you said I was your business."

"That...Jim, just go back to work."

Jim shrugged one shoulder. "Wish you'd make up your mind."

Dwight lifted his phone to place a customer call and Jim found himself smiling in spite of himself. He laced his fingers behind his head and thought about working...honestly he did. But he couldn't. He was having a tougher time than usual focusing on work this morning.

For a couple of weeks now Pam hadn't seemed herself. Then last night and this morning things had been particularly bad.

He couldn't put his finger on it exactly, but she just seemed...tired...yet antsy.

Ok, so that combination didn't make any sense. They were an absolute contradiction, but that's what it seemed like.

They'd talked seriously about her coming back to work. That the time had come for them to really start considering it. G-ma's Halpert and Beesly were both more than willing to watch Jill during the days which would free Pam up. And Jill was ready for the separation.

More than anything though, Jim missed having Pam at work. Turning around to see Andy on the phone everyday was a little bit more than he could handle. Stuck between Andy and Dwight...Lord.

Pam had concerns about returning though. Concerns that had seemed to come out of completely left field. Maybe if she came back they wouldn't get along as well...Maybe they'd get tired of each other since they lived together...

This struck him as completely dumb (he'd been smart enough not to word it that way) since they'd dated for months and had been married for nearly a year - while working together - before Jill had come along.

He couldn't help but wonder if she was making excuses for some reason...

Pam's emotions had moved back and forth between enjoying the idea of getting out of the house, then to feeling guilty for feeling that way. Guilty for wanting to spend time with adults. Guilty that she was actually kind of excited to leave Jill for a few hours at a time.

He'd rationalized that it wasn't that she was excited to leave Jill, so much as she was excited to do something outside of the house.

It had been an oddly cyclical conversation. One moment excited by the prospect, the next moment teary, and the next as if she could care less about ever returning to Dunder-Mifflin at all.

His confusion, had led him to ask her about her art. Did she want to pursue it full time? Say to hell with Dunder-Mifflin and start going to school full time? He would be completely supportive of whatever it was that she wanted to do, but they needed to know so that they could plan for that financially.

So he really could ask for a raise if he needed it, or pursue something else...maybe even a corporate job - if it came down to it. That still felt like a last resort for so many reasons.

But she just didn't know what she wanted. That fact left him feeling a little annoyed to be honest. Left him feeling like....Well, what else is new Pam Beesly...Halpert.

And wasn't that thought a pain in the ass because it only left him feeling guilty. Like a bit of an asshole.

So instead of asking more questions he'd tried something different. He'd tried to be what he thought was the model husband. He'd made dinner, he'd taken his girls out for dinner more often, he'd done the laundry....the funny thing was (or not so funny) was that some of his model husband behavior had actually started pissing her off.

Yeah. Interesting.

"What you think I can't do it anymore?" Was actually something she'd said in the heat of an argument. "I'm inept now? I get it Jim, ok! I get that you can do everything 10 times better than I can do them..." It had made zero sense. He'd only been trying to help. He was tired too and forgive him trying to pull his weight. Yes, he was a jerk...he deserved a severe stoning.

Later she's apologized more profusely than he'd ever heard her apologize for anything and then had started to cry, feeling even more down on herself than she had before the stupid argument began.

They'd gone to bed with their arms around each other and had woken up this morning in the same place they'd started in.

Which was exactly...nowhere.

He'd kissed a sleeping Jill goodbye and promised he'd knock off a little early today and they'd go see the ducks in the park. Ducks were her newest, most funny form of entertainment.

Jim heard her giggle as clear as if she were in the office with him and drummed his fingers on top of the desk. He could call Pam...but they'd only end up talking about it again and he didn't feel like talking about any of this with Dwight sitting across from him.

He watched his deranged co-worker arrange and rearrange his bobble heads and thought about how before he and Pam had Jill, when Pam was down all he really needed to do was get her involved in a prank and suddenly everything seemed right with her world. He wasn't an idiot...the decisions she had to make wouldn't be fixed by a little prank, but maybe they could have a little fun none the less. Right?

Yes, that's what Pam needed -- a good old-fashioned prank just to bring a smile to her face. Now he just needed to come up with something. Needed some inspiration...

"These are collector's items Jim......so, stop putting your things so close."

Inspiration wore glasses and short sleeves and sat across from him, still rearranging his bobble head collection and annoyed as all hell.

"What are you doing Dwight? Rearranging the dolls?" Jim said reaching out to set one bobbling.

"They are not dolls...they are Bobble Heads....Stop touching that."

"Oh sorry...but I was just...curious. Why are you rearranging your dolls?"

Dwight sighed. "Fung Shwei Jim, what does it look like?"

"Fung Shwei. Mmhm, it looks like Fung Shwei," Jim said nodding in a complete matter of fact manner. Just be patient. He'll give you something golden. "How was your weekend?"

"Good. Why do you ask?"

"No reason. Just wanting to know what you do with your time."

"Well that's none of your business so..."

"Wait...I thought ...." Jim let it go. He didn't want to screw this up by getting into a control battle. He focused his attention on his computer screen. "Must mean you didn't do anything exciting."

"It does not mean that."

Jim typed jibberish on his screen. "Well typically when people say their life is no one's business it means that their life is really boring...so..."

"For your information, Jim, I did do something very exciting this weekend. My Laser Tag Team and I started researching time travel."

And the Dundie award for person most likely to set up their own prank is...Dwight K. Shcrute! Way to dig your own hole!

Jim sat back in his chair. In an instant his day had gotten substantially brighter.

"Time travel?"

"Do not mock me."

"I am not mocking. I'm intrigued," Jim said leaning forward. Riveted. Think, think, think...

"You are?" Dwight asked suspiciously.

Jim nodded, leaned forward, propped his chin up in his hands in a sign of wanting more information. "Please...."

"Well...we discovered some new information on dimensions...time continuums."

Officially better than Christmas.

Jim pulled his cell phone out of his jacket pocket nonchalantly. Laid it on his lap and flipped it open. Already he knew where this was going. Sometimes things just fell together so nicely. Some pranks were meant to be. Fated.

"Really? New information? Fascinating."

He leaned back just far enough to navigate his way through the different menus on his cell phone. When finally he reached the Recorded Audio screen, he clicked on his first audio clip as Dwight continued talking about space continuity or something or other...

"Ahaaaaaaoh!"

Dwight stopped mid sentence. "What was that?"

"What?" Jim said frowning. He looked around. "What are you talking about?"

"You didn't hear that?"

"No," Jim said hitting the audio button again. "Ahaaaaaaoh!"

"Jim what is that!"

Jim pressed the button again, still hiding the phone as he looked around. "Oh...you mean that?...What is that?"

"That's what I asked you, Jim!"

"It sounds like a baby," Jim said returning to his fake typing. So far he'd typed, ‘This is the sound Jill makes when she is very excited. This sound is brought on by ducks, pudding, mommy's surprised face, mommy's toe kisses, zerberts on her belly, and whenever she sees monkeys on TV.'

"There aren't any babies here Jim."

"Well obviously there are, because I hear one. There must be one somewhere -

"Sssh...listen," Dwight said, his eyes darting around the office. "Where's it coming from?"

"Ahaaaaaaoh!"

Jim ran a hand over his mouth and pushed away his grin as he closed out of his Word doc.

Dwight pushed his chair back abruptly and looked under the desk. Jim quickly whipped his phone away from his lap and laid it on his keyboard.

"It's coming from under the desk Jim."

"What?" Jim pushed back and looked under the desk as well. "Dwight there is no baby under our desk...now what are you talking about?"

Turning towards the camera, Jim smirked and the camera guy nearly lost it. He loved it when that happened.

Dwight shook his head in confusion. "It's coming from right here, Jim."

"Maybe you should check the bathrooms."

"Jim that doesn't make any sense. The sound is coming from under our desks...there's a baby here...somewhere.....Does anyone else hear a baby!" Dwight shouted to the office proper.

Stanley quiet retort came as an indictment. "I think I do..."

"Where! Where is it?"

"I'm staring right at it..." Stanley said again before returning to his cross-word.

"Dwight. There's absolutely no baby under our desk," Jim said. "I looked, so..."

"Damn it Jim...Ok...listen to me, this is exactly what I'm talking about. My Laser Tag buddies and I...we read about this. Sometimes there are holes created in the time continuum. When that happens, human beings can become stuck in another dimension."

Mmm...yes. Please do share more.

"Seriously?"

"Yes. And when that happens, sometimes you don't get all of their parts....sometimes it's an arm, or a leg, sometimes...their voice."

"What?...No way Dwight."

"Fine...don't believe me."

"Dwight, I'm not saying I don't believe you...I'm just..." he sighed. "It sounds like a baby."

"Babies time travel too Jim."

Well if that wasn't the best information he'd gotten all week. He was going to print that out and make a banner to put over Jill's crib. Babies Time Travel Too

"Oh...no, right...right."

"What we need to do is find an expert in time travel."

"Wait..." Jim said holding up a finger. "Wait a second...this is reminding me of something...Oh my God, I can't believe I didn't think of this before...."

"What is it Jim...we don't have time to waist on something you saw on Star Trek....that show was proven to be inaccurate."

"No, no...I remember reading something when I was a kid, about how babies could see ghosts. Do you think...do you think that maybe babies can see people in other dimensions too? I mean wouldn't that make sense, knowing what we know about dimensions?"

Dwight glanced around to a make sure no one else was looking, suddenly concerned that they might be overheard. He was so into the conspiracy of it, Jim thought. "Where did you read this?"

"Journal of Science."

Dwight nodded. "Eff."

"Dwight...here's what I'm thinking...God - I don't know, this might be...completely and totally crazy," Jim said shaking his head for effect.

"What? Just tell me."

"What if we called Pam, and had her bring Jill in to try and find the other dimension baby? Would that work?"

"You'd risk that?"

Jim frowned. "I'm sorry?"

"Jim...I don't think you realize what you're saying. This could be dangerous. This baby..." Dwight sighed. "This baby could be an alien."

"An alien?"

How did this keep getting better?

"Yes...I mean judging by the sounds and intonations....it certainly doesn't sound like English the child was speaking."

Watch it Schrute. That's Jill and she's adorable.

"It could have been another native earthling language, but sometimes...sometimes what we're dealing with in terms of time travel are in fact extra terrestrials."

"Wow."

"Are you still willing?"

Jim pursed his lips looked down for a moment and pretended to mull it over. "I have to...I have to do this right?...We can't just leave some alien baby stranded in a time continuum hole.......I mean now that I'm a father, Dwight...God, what the baby's dad must be feeling..."

Dwight sighed and held out his hand. "I didn't expect such bravery...thank you Jim."

Jim regarded his outstretched hand and had a moment...a very brief moment of conscience. He shook it anyway. "I'll call Pam."

The phone rang three times before Pam picked up. He was way too excited about this. He took a deep breath when she picked up. "Hey, it's me."

"Hey...What's going on?"

"Listen it's...Pam it's been...wow, a crazy, crazy morning."

The lift in her voice was almost palpable. "Really! Ooh, double crazy, huh? Did Michael do something? What's going on? Is it something with Jan?"

He tried not to grin. Pam was practically salivating on the other end of the line. The girl was desperate for a good prank - she just didn't know it.

"No, no...bigger than that Pam. Something completely unexpected." Again, Jim had to take a deep cleansing breath so he wouldn't laugh. "Dwight and I...Listen, Dwight and I discovered that there may be an alien child living in another time continuum -

"A hole, a hole," Dwight hissed at him, making sure he relayed the information accurately.

"A hole in the time continuum...and it's living under our desk. We can't see it...but Pam, we know it's there. We can hear it...it's saying something like "Ahaaaaaaoh!"

Jim mimicked his daughter's high-pitched song. She couldn't say mommy or daddy in any discernable fashion but there are certain sounds that she made and this was such a favorite of his that he'd quickly created scenarios where it might be possible to get audio of her on his phone. He'd succeeded just a few days prior.

"Oh my God...You are so bad," Pam said giggling on the other end. "I knew that no good could come of you recording her doing that."

"Well here's the thing," Jim said struggling to keep a straight face. "Dwight and I know that babies can see people in other dimensions."

"Right...common knowledge.......Oh my God," she said bursting into laughter again. Jim subtly slipped the volume down on the speaker of his phone so that Dwight wouldn't hear it.

"So we need Jill. Pam...Pam, don't yell!" Jim pulled the phone away from his ear and looked at Dwight desperately. "She's...she doesn't like this. I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to convince her..."

Dwight nodded soberly, as if Pam losing it on the other end of the line was completely understandable given the peril her child would put in.

Jim sighed and returned the receiver to his ear. "Pam...Just listen ok...It's not gonna be that dangerous."

"Don't lie to her Jim," Dwight muttered.

"I'm really turned on right now" Pam said quietly on the other end. "You know that right...what are you wearing?"

Jim covered his mouth for a moment and tried to make the laughter in his eyes look like pain...tears. "Just bring her down here...and I promise nothing will happen to her....and all your questions will be answered. Just...just follow our lead and everything will be fine."

"Oh my God, I'm so excited!" Pam squealed. Jim heard her clap. "Ok...we'll be there in a half hour."

"Thank you Pam," Jim said soberly. "Thank you so much." He hung up the phone. "She's coming."

Jim hit the audio button his cell phone once more. "Ahaaaaaaoh!"

"Good. We don't have much time to waste."

~~~~~~~

True to her word, Pam showed up almost immediately at the half-hour. Jill in her stroller with a bottle in her hands. Her big green eyes darted around without removing the bottle from her lips.

Jim kissed Pam on the cheek. "Pam...thank God you're here."

Pam's eyes were full of worry. "Jim, I don't know about this...the more I thought about it on the way over - the more I started to worry......I mean what if it happens again?"

Jim smiled at her. What are you doing? I like it. .

Dwight rose from his chair and walked over to them slowly, vibrant interest shown in his eyes. "What if what happens again, Pam?...Jim what are you not telling me? I need to know exactly what's going on if this is going to work."

Jim nodded stoicly as if giving her the go ahead to share very personal information with Dwight. He had no idea what she was about to share...but it was going to be so, so, so good.

He knelt in front of Jill's stroller and kissed the baby on the forehead, "How's my Jilly Bean..."

She smiled and Jim couldn't resist playing her new favorite game. He pretended he was going to steal her bottle and she gave him a gummy grin as a reward. He did it again...one more time...one more...she giggled and milky spit bubbles gathered on her lips. He almost wiped it away with his tie, but then remembered he was at work...

It was weird. Sometimes seeing his daughter in other settings, made him realize all over again how freaking adorable she was.

"We haven't told anyone about this," Pam was saying as he tried to cue back into performance mode.

Dwight said, "It's ok....you can tell me," and Jim stood up.

Jill was wiggling around, trying to get out of her stroller and Pam shot Jim a look that clearly said, ‘See what you did?' but quickly morphed back into character.

"Well...at first we thought it was nothing, but now...lately we've been thinking that maybe Jill...Maybe she got some of Jim's special powers."

Jim folded his arms across his chest. My wife, ladies and gentlemen. Is she hot or is she hot?

Dwight glanced immediately at the coat wrack near the reception desk, unveiled anger written on his face. "You mean the power to move things."

"Yes..." Pam said literally ringing her hands. "I mean she's still so little so it's hard to tell...but sometimes there will be things moved...." She looked down at Jill. Her eyes shown brightly with concern. "Like...I'll know that I put her bottle in her crib and then suddenly it's on the floor...or her bear...every now and then her bear will wind up on the coffee table when he was on the couch with her...all these crazy things...I just....I just hope it's not true. Jim had such a hard time of it as a kid - being made fun of because of his powers....Jim, I don't want the same thing for her....I'm sorry."

Jim bit his lip, nodded. Dwight sighed and put a hand on his shoulder. Jim nearly died.

Oh Pam... unfreakingbelievable. I want you...like now.

Jill did have the power to move things...not with her mind though - no she just had good aim. If she found something the slightest bit tiresome it was gone in a flash. They'd talked about signing her up for T-ball asap.

"But I'm wondering," Pam continued. "If what you're saying is true...about babies seeing other babies from different dimensions...what if - what if someone from another dimension has been coming in to our home and moving things around. I mean what if it's not special powers at all..."

Pam watched Jim's eyes widen and she wondered briefly if she'd taken it too far. The answer to her question was swift though. He immediately wrapped his arms around her. She knew in a show of comfort, but when he whispered something really dirty in her ear she had to hide her smile in the bend of his shoulder.

Dwight came back into view and Jim pulled away. She wished for a moment for the warmth of him again, but knew they were kind of on the clock here. She watched Dwight kneel down in front of Jill. Scrutinize her as a scientist might scrutinize a cell under a microscope. Jill however, paid him no attention and instead searched for the bottle that had fallen on the carpet. Pam picked it up and sat it on the reception counter before the baby could get to it.

Jill scoffed at the 5 second rule. Forty-five seconds were more than acceptable.

Pam watched as Jim moved out of Dwight's line of vision and quickly placed one of his Bobble-Head's under the desk. The Dwight Bobble-Head.

"Jill...Jill if there's someone from another dimension that's bothering you - you can tell us."

Pam turned wide-eyed towards Jim. She'd forgotten how innocent Dwight sometimes was...An attack of conscience took hold of her. "Dwight -

Jim shook his head and squeezed her hand hard. His eyes clearly saying, ‘Do not back out now just because it's been awhile since you've been around him. This is too good! Buck up Beesly!'

"She won't say anything Dwight...she can't talk," Pam said quietly.

"Supposedly," Dwight spat.

Ugh...conscience-shmonsince. "So what do we do now?" Pam asked.

"I don't know," Jim said shaking his head. "It's not like any of us have ever had to do this..."

Dwight stood up. "I wouldn't expect either one of you to know. Don't worry...like I said I've done extensive research. Wikipedia explains the entire process...and while they didn't mention using babies, I imagine it's very much the same way a police officer would use a dog."

Pam frowned. "You want Jill to sniff out the alien baby?"

"Precisely."

"But how are we going to do that when we don't have anything that the alien baby was wearing?" Jim asked naively.

"Jim don't say ‘was'...we have no reason to believe the baby is dead."

"Oh...right."

Jim clicked the audio on the cell phone in his pocket. "Ahaaaaaaoh!"

Pam nearly broke. "Oh my God...was that..."

"That's the baby," Dwight said nodding at Pam's unspoken question.

"She sounds...happy at least."

"Are you kidding Pam? That's an obvious distress call...Now, what we need to do, is let Jill crawl under the desk and sniff around. Once she's done that...I'm sure she'll be able to point us in the right direction."

Jim cleared his throat and walked to the front of the stroller once more, he unfastened the belt around Jill's little belly and hoisted her out of the stroller. He held her up and said with all stoicism, "Jill...save the alien baby - save the world."

Jim started to walk her towards the desk when Pam practically leapt in front of him. "Wait...wait...I just...Can I just..."

Without words, Jim handed Pam the baby, and she kissed Jill on the forehead and the cheeks and her little wet lips. Jill quickly tried to gum her chin to death.

Jill was a very messy kisser indeed.

"Be careful Jilly....Ok? Mommy loves you so much."

Jill lovingly patted mommy's face in response. Slobbery fingers leaving tracks on her cheeks before she passed her back to Jim. "Do what you have to do."

Jim met Pam's eyes and nodded once before moving towards his desk and sitting Jill down on the floor. "Ok Jill...crawl under."

She immediately began to crawl, slowly at first, but then quicker. In seconds she was between his desk and Dwight's.

Jim found himself getting a bit choked up. He whispered as quietly as he could when he took Pam's hand in his, "Her first prank."

Dwight stuck his head under the desk and shouted. "Do you see anything? Anything at all that will tell us which dimension the baby is in!"

"Which dimension?" Jim asked, leaning down as well.

"There are several Jim...obviously."

"Obviously," Pam whispered so only Jim could hear, "Dumbie..." and he reached behind her to pinch her tush in response. She jumped and scooted away.

Dwight sighed after a moment of complete silence from Jill. "Why isn't she saying anything?"

"She can't talk," Pam reiterated.

"So you say..."

"I have an idea!" Jim said suddenly. "We could..." he interrupted himself with the sound of his cellphone..."Ahaaaaaaoh!"

Dwight flipped out and ran back to the desk. "Jill! Jill did you hear that!"

Jim leaned down, staring under the desk. "What is that she has...is that...Dwight is that your Bobble-Head?"

"No, I....I specifically remember that being on my desk. Jill...don't - I specifically arranged them so that -

"Oh my God...it's happening," Pam said, leaning into Jim as if she suddenly needed support to stand.

He rubbed her back. "Don't panic Pam."

"What do you mean don't panic? Jim....this is exactly what I'm talking about! I think it's true..."

A light bulb seemed to turn on behind Dwight's eyes and he got on his hands and knees and peered in at Jill. "Jill...Jill....is the baby living inside the Bobble-Head? Is the Bobble-Head a key to another dimension? A port hole?"

Pam suddenly slipped into a coughing convulsion. Jim looked at his shoes and smiled. Jill hit the Bobble-head and Jim could barely get to the cell phone button quick enough.

"Ahaaaaaaoh!"

"Oh my God..." Dwight said, struck by the weight of it all. "This is......unbelievable."

"Yes," Jim said nearly choking on it.

Dwight rose to his full height and regarded Jim and Pam. Unshed tears swam in his eyes...actual tears. "Do you understand what this means?"

"You have to get rid of all your Bobble-Heads? Take them home?" Jim said, fingers crossed behind his back as he shut his eyes in hope.

"Of course not Jim...Don't be stupid."

"Oh....," Jim said quietly.

Dwight sighed a joyful kind of sigh. "They've chosen me...I've been honored by the aliens...my Bobble-Heads are their perfect haven. They're not stuck in another dimension at all. They've chosen it - me."

"Wow," both Pam and Jim said at once.

Dwight turned and gingerly pulled Jill out from under the desk. He actually allowed her to carry the Bobble-Head that was his namesake as she sat on his hip. He'd never allowed anyone to touch it before, Jim thought.

A soft smile played on Dwight's lips. "Thank you Jill...they recognized a gentle spirit in you and felt comfortable enough to show themselves...thank you."

Pam and Jim's shared glances could almost not contain the shock and amusement that hummed like an electrical current through them both. Tonight... This. This was going to be hours and hours of fun.

Dwight took a deep breath and handed Jill back to Pam. "I...I have to go um...talk to...accounting. They may need this information for...tax purposes."

Pam smiled knowingly. "Ok...sure, Dwight."

Jim walked over to her, twirled a strand of hair around his finger and then tucked it behind her ear. "Beesly...that...wow....I don't even know what to say. That powers thing...Oh my God."

She giggled. "I know...and Jill!"

"Shut up Jill!" Jim said kissing the baby's forehead. "From now on...you're coming to work with Daddy...obviously you've been holding out on me, and no more....I need a partner and clearly you're overqualified."

"She got like all of our prank genes," Pam said happily.

"I know right...unbelievable."

Pam leaned against the reception desk. "So...I was thinking...what if...what if you had an old partner?"

With eyebrows lifted, Jim put his hands in his pockets. "You thinking of someone specific or..."

"I don't know," Pam said shrugging. "I was wondering if maybe I could talk Michael into like...a part time thing."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah...I don't know. Just...that way I could be here, but also I wouldn't have to be away from Jilly too much," she said kissing her little cheek. "It could work right?"

Jim reached out and rubbed Jilly's head. Big golden brown curls clung to his fingers in slippery wisps. "I think I really like that idea."

"Well too bad you didn't think of it...so...suck it."

"Wow...I...really? That's..."

She smiled up at him, and pressed up to her tiptoes so she could meet his mouth with her own. Their kiss was sweet and chaste...they were in the office after all, but it was full of hints for something more to come...later. When they could rehash their genius minute by minute...reveling in each other.

Pam got tingly just thinking about it.

Jim licked his lips as he pulled away and glanced at the stroller. "How about we get out of here...I promised Jill a little duck feeding."

"Perfect," Pam said as she slipped Jill inside the stroller. "Are you sure though? What if Dwight needs her to sniff out more alien babies?"

Jim chuckled and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He hit the audio one last time and watched Dwight come running from the accounting section of the office.

He was speaking lovingly to his Bobble-Head as they walked out of the office.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jim stretched his arms overhead and flexed all the way down to his toes, pushing his feet beyond the margins of their bed, quite certain by the relaxed feelings in his bones that it was still the weekend.

He yawned and finally opened his eyes to the bright shining sun. It shown brilliantly through their curtains, causing little specs of dust to sparkle in the air around him.

Jeez...how long had he slept...

Turning to look at the alarm clock, he couldn't remember having slept this long in ages. The smell of something sweet...cinnamon rolls? Was Pam attempting to make cinnamon rolls...

Father's Day. Oh yeah...Father's Day.

His first ever Father's Day.

And cinnamon rolls...Wow. It seriously did not get more surreal than this.

He grinned and pushed himself to a sitting position.

"No! No!...Don't get up! You can't," Pam said rushing in.

Jim glanced to the side, pushed his fingers beneath their mattress. "What the heck woman...is there some kind of trip wire or something..."

"I heard the bed creak," Pam explained hurriedly. "And I knew you'd be up before I was ready for you to be up."

"Pam it's 11:30."

"Doesn't matter," Pam said grabbing his feet. She grunted under the weight of his legs as she tried pulling them back to the bed and laying them back atop the comforter. "It's Father's Day and Father's Day...you get to just...sleep if you want to. Or not sleep. Or whatever...play video games...I don't care. It's Father's Day."

Jim laughed at her adamancy that he remain in bed. "Ok...ok, Pam...I got it. I'm in bed."

"And you'll stay here? On your honor."

"Oh my God," Jim said grinning. "Yes...what do you have...Are you making cinnamon rolls. How did you know?"

She grinned and stood to her full height instead of trying to push him back into bed. Obviously both proud of her self and happy that he'd noticed. "You mentioned them once...a long time ago, we were in that bakery -- when we were camping that time and you mentioned that your mom used to make cinnamon rolls every father's day because it was your dad's favorite. I thought...I don't know...I thought I'd try and make them."

Jim reached up to pull her down to meet her lips. "Mmm..." he said pulling back after a moment. "I think they're gonna be good."

She giggled. "I've been sampling the icing....But you're gonna have to wait a bit longer...Jill and I have everything under control though."

As if she'd heard her name, Jill came crawling into the bedroom. The evidence of her hard work all over her mouth in the form of white icing.

"Look at you...." Jim said reaching down to scoop her up. She wore a pink ‘My Daddy's The Best Daddy' T-shirt with a diaper. "You look excellent," Jim said smiling. "Are you sure I can't help?" he asked then, looking back up at Pam. "What are you hiding out there?"

"Nothing. I just want you to be fully relaxed today. You help out so much...I just...just enjoy it.......And besides, you have a card to read from Jill," Pam said pointing to her side of the bed. A red construction paper card lay on her pillow. A tiny stamped handprint decorated the front of it. "She's a card making expert."

"Wow...is that true Jilly Bean?" Jim asked, kissing her little icing coated lips. ‘I love you this much, Happy First Father's Day Daddy' Jim said, reading the words over the top of Jill's handprint. "Thank you so much...."

Jim pulled Jill's little hand to his mouth and started to chew on her soft chubby fingers. She squealed in delight. "Hmm...yep, it's the same hand alright...this one tastes like chicken."

He looked up at Pam and said softly, "Thank you."

She smiled. "You're welcome..........Inside there's kind of a thing...from me," Pam said gesturing to the card. "I couldn't really decide on a gift, and I mean - there are gifts in the living room, but I wanted you to...anyway, just - read that first."

Jim lifted an eyebrow. "Mysterious."

"Not really...I..." she waved a hand. "I have to get back to the cinnamon rolls, you should just...just read it."

She was so nervous...he couldn't imagine what for. Unless however she'd gone the route of something really dirty...or something really mushy. Either one could get Pam blushing.

He smiled at her. "Ok...Thanks Beesly."

"Give me like 10 minutes...Do you want me to take her? I'm dipping her cheerios in icing so she loves the kitchen right now."

"Nope," Jim said lying back against his pillow. Jill lay down on his chest and instantly began to suck on her fingers. Jim pulled a pretty sheet of stationary out of the construction paper card and started to read. One hand on the sheet, the other combing it's way continuously through Jill's golden brown curls.

Pam quickly made her exit.

Dear Jim,

I am not as good at this as you are, and right now...as you read this I imagine I am hiding out somewhere...probably the kitchen. I tend to hide there a lot - weird. Perhaps we should analyze that at a later date.

The truth is, I've never been as good at expressing myself as you are. I know right? Shocker. We're always talking about how I'm not good at talking and let's face it, if I was good at expressing myself Jill would probably be about 5 years old by now because all of this...you, me, her...would have happened a lot sooner.

So please don't take my hiding as an affront. Know in fact that I have never done this before. I have never gotten out a sheet of paper with the intention of using it to write down all of my feelings for someone. I do that with colored pencils or with paint...but never this way. It's unnerving, but completely necessary.

So here I am, being as forthright and expressive as I Pam Halpert can be, because I think you deserve it. Because I can't think of anyone I'd rather take this leap for and risk utter humiliation. And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Why on earth does she think this is humiliating? Like I'd ever say anything to humiliate her," but you also know how weird I can be about this stuff, so I trust that you'll understand my completely unfounded fear of rejection...from you anyway.

So here goes:

You are the best daddy.

Seriously. Hands-down. I love my dad, but I have to say (and if you ever repeat this I'll deny it) you are so much better. You just...You are just so good at everything. Perhaps that's why I actually feel a little self-conscious sometimes. I think maybe you should purposely fail at something more often, don't you? Perhaps if we played Poker more often that would build my self-esteem. I love you. That was a joke.

You are the best daddy. Really you are. I can't imagine how it is that you just...you just know what to do. All the time. She cries and when you pick her up sometimes it's not that she wants food, or needs to be changed, or even wants to be held really...I think she just wants to hear your voice. Because suddenly - inexplicably she's quiet. Something in the sound of your voice is soothing to her and I know how she feels. You are the best daddy.

When I first brought up having a baby (and yes I do remember it was my idea...contrary to what I said in Labor & Delivery) I'd been thinking about it for awhile...did I ever tell you that? Since before we'd gotten married. Actually since...ok, so on our first date (how's this for honesty, Halpert) I thought about what it would be like to end up with you...forever. To get married, to have babies...forever - with you. On our first date! I know! Crazy, right! Believe me I knew it was crazy, so I tried not to stray down that path for too long. I mean who wants to know that the girl he's finally got a date with (dancing at the YMCA) is thinking about babies already. Especially when she'd just come off a rather long term engagement to someone else. Wisdom told me to keep quiet, and so I did. But I knew in the back of my mind, from that moment on...every time you whispered in my ear, when you let me choose a radio station, when you curled up with me on the couch and tried your damndest not to fall asleep during a chick-flick no less, and when you unloaded the dishwasher - I knew I was going to marry you.

Ok, so I'm not being completely honest...there's more. Are you scared now? Are you covering your eyes with your pillow?...Are you ready for this?

I had thought about babies briefly before that. I know, I know...See, this is why I don't express myself! It was Bring Your Daughter To Work Day (No, not the one you Schruted. I'm talking about the one about two years before that.) The one where you got Abbey to actually smile. The one where she invited you to dinner! I just thought...Oh my God, this is so easy for him! He's going to be a wonderful dad! I've been sitting here all day, trying - not even succeeding - to bribe children with candy and he's just here...just talking...just being himself, and these kids adore him. It was just unbelievable to me and I had the briefest flash of you with your own child. Oh believe me I wasn't silly enough to imagine myself as the mom in that picture yet...but still. I knew you'd be incredible.

I knew I wanted that, but I didn't know how to get it yet.

You are the best daddy.

You are the biggest help to Jill and me. You have been since the day you found out I was pregnant. That night after Michael's birthday party...Crazy, right? I can still remember how giddy we both were on the way home...you wanted to share it with everyone, but I wouldn't let you. You wanted to literally call everyone we knew on your cell on the way home and I wouldn't let you. I still feel bad about that, but I just felt so incredibly good...and you know how I get when I feel good - I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm so thankful that everything turned out so good. I'm so, so thankful that we have her.

We got to be giddy little kids together at home that night, and for nights and nights after that. You uncorked a bottle of champagne that we'd had since our wedding and you mixed in the tiniest little bit for me with a glass of peach seltzer water (still the best champagne I've ever had by the way, kudos to the bartender on that one). We curled up together on the couch and instantly started talking names and girls versus boys and the merits of each.

You said something about girls being so much simpler and I just laughed at you. You soon changed your tune when you started doing all your research and statistical analysis - the very next day I might add. It became your big new project. You talked about it to the exclusion of anything else for like a week and so it was even harder for you to go to work and not be able to tell everyone. Your IM's that read "is this for real?" cracked me up for months. Then I started to get huge and you stopped asking that question...interesting.

God I love you for being so excited about it from the very first moment. I love you because it was adorable and I love you because by the time my fear and anxieties started to kick in with a vengeance you were still so excited and you helped me to be that way too. I love you because you are still just as excited about our daughter as you were then. On the night that I'm writing this, you've noticed the tiniest of white lines starting to poke through her gums and the way you came and got me to tell me...Jim, anyone else would have thought we won the lottery. I love you.

The other day I was flipping through this book and it said the greatest thing you could give to your son or daughter was enthusiasm...you do that every minute that you are with her. I'm not sure you're even conscious of it.

You are the best daddy.

I had a fairly easy pregnancy. My bout with morning sickness was brief, I didn't break out in weird places, my pee didn't smell weird, I did however get significantly larger in many areas...including my feet, and my boobs. You were excited about that last part. My feet...Well, you are really good at pedicures. Seriously if you ever get sick of sales, there are a few nail salons that would be lucky to have you, Halpert. Don't worry...if you play your cards right I will never share that information with anyone else (except for my mom - I already told her - sorry). You also indulged that whole ice cream and pretzels thing. Which I still think isn't that weird, I don't care what you say. I still crave that sometimes even now.

At least some of my other cravings benefited you - like some of the cravings I had at work...which required us to go up to the roof - those were nice.

I was also very moody. I've been known by some (you) to still be that way. You are the best daddy if for no other reason than for putting up with Jill's crazy mommy. It has lasted much longer than 9 months. I think Jill broke my brain.

You were so freaking awesome in the hospital. Every time I looked into your eyes I knew everything was going to be ok. It sucked don't get me wrong...but it was gonna be ok. We were going to be ok.

Playing "Would You Rather"...God, I'm so glad I decided to make a baby with you. You knew exactly what to do and say. You knew that I didn't need you hovering, but I just wanted you there - to hold my hand, to tell me funny things. You were perfect. You didn't get offended when I didn't want to talk, you didn't get offended when my skin felt like it was going to break into a million little pieces and I demanded that you not touch me at all. Not my shoulders, not my back...nothing. You were just...there with me. You are my best friend.

You are the best daddy.

And Jill. She's perfect. She is PER-FECT....we both know that. I don't know what it is that you did...but next time we decide to make a baby (wow. yes, I said next time) - please do whatever you did - again. Seriously the perfect recipe for baby. She's like Baby Ala Mode. When people stop us in the store to tell us how beautiful she is...we can rest assured in the knowledge that they are not lying. She is just...ugh, how can we even stand it? I mean I don't want us to get cocky, but let's just get it out there...all the other babies should just go home, right? Thank you for helping me make her. Trust me she is not all my doing...How on earth are we gonna top her?

Thank you for helping me raise her. I don't know what I'm doing. Honestly. Really - I don't. Every day is exciting, and joyful, and completely and utterly terrifying. My consolations are these: her smile. I literally feel like Kelly must feel inside everyday when I see her smile - like I could just die.

My other consolation at the end of every day is when you walk into our apartment, kiss me and say ‘Well done Beesly." It was a joke at first...like we were some couple stuck in a 1950's sitcom. But it's turned into this thing...this thing that I have to hear. And somehow you know it because you say it whether it true or not! You say on days when our daughter has food literally all over her face, there's absolutely no dinner waiting for you (and there isn't going to be), there's bottles of paint spread out on the living room floor - and you can only make those out if there isn't laundry piled on top of them. You make me feel like a good mommy.

You are the best daddy.

Everybody always says that once you're married to someone all the little habits that you thought were cute, start to be annoying. If you have found this to be true, you are hiding it well. I must say you still seem charmed by me. You couldn't stop laughing at the idea of a No-Jill List, and you smile and play along over things like handmade puppets named Cooey. I love you.

I have never not felt supported by you. Is Pam going back to work? Is Pam going to school full time? Is Pam going to do the stay at home mom thing? Who the hell knows right? Not Pam.

I know this drives you crazy. So...Thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being the best husband and the best daddy.

Jim...seriously, I never thought I'd be able to do this, but I just did it, and it's not half bad. Yay me! And you know, By "this" I don't just mean this letter. I mean all of it. I mean writing the letter, I mean marrying you, I mean raising a baby with you, I mean spending the rest of my life with you...all of it. I could not have done this without you (obviously)...but you know what I mean.

Also...Jill wouldn't be half as perfect without you.

You are the best daddy.

Love you THIS much,

Pam and Jill

Jim shook his head and folded the stationary back inside the card, moving gingerly so as not to wake Jill even as he stood up. She stirred for the briefest of seconds before she fell back to sleep.

He walked into the kitchen.

"Oh did she fall asleep?....Here," Pam said moving towards them. She pulled Jill into her arms and then laid her on the couch. "I can't believe she fell asleep that fast... "Breakfast is actually ready." She said moving back into the kitchen. "I'm not sure if you're going to like it. I tried to stick exactly to your mom's recipe...but you know...so...I mean they tasted good before they went into the oven...so we'll just take our -

He kissed her, effectively silencing all nervousness. It was gentle and sweet and hopefully as thoughtful as her letter had been. When finally he pulled away, Pam found herself trapped between the countertop and his boxer clad body. She looked far more relaxed than she had just moments before.

She felt soft in his arms and he shook his head at her once more. "You are...crazy you know that? That was so great. Thank you...Wow. I - really...thank you."

She smiled bashfully, heat rising in her cheeks from so many things right now. "You're welcome...I guess it was pretty good, huh?"

"I guess it was Beesly," Jim said brushing her hair out of her eyes.

"The cinnamon rolls are ready, too."

Jim scrunched his face, clearly deep in thought. "Hmm...that's interesting Pam. I'm thinking you were right though...I'd really like to stay in bed today."

"Oh?" She said, turning within the circle of his arms to pull plates down from the cupboard.

Jim's hands found their way back to her hips. "Yeah...but I'm thinking...you went to all this trouble - so I'd really like my breakfast in bed."

"Oh," Pam said getting his meaning by the tilt of his head and the inflection in his voice. She coyly furrowed her brow. "Well I'm not exactly sure what you mean..."

Jim sighed. "Listen, I know you kind of have a thing about you know...crumbs in the bed, icing, cinnamon...but I really think just this once..."

Soberly she answered him, "Jim, it's Father's Day...If we can't have cinnamon rolls and sex at noon today...when can we?"

"I like the way you think..." he said, letting go of her again as she managed one huge cinnamon roll out of the pan and onto a small saucer. "Oh we're gonna need the whole pan, Bees."

She giggled and slid the cinnamon roll back into the pan with it's friends. "What was I thinking."

"I don't know.....Oh and Pam," Jim said stoicly as he trailed behind her towards the bedroom. He paused just long enough to switch on the baby monitor on the coffee table. "I was thinking that as one of my Father's Day privileges the best thing really would be to do a nude reading of the letter...so...you know...try and work that into the schedule this afternoon if you could....and you know - consider that a request from your Number 2, and the best daddy. So basically.......it's an order."

She giggled as they disappeared. Whatever the best daddy wanted.

THE GODFATHER (Part I)

"Sorry Michael...it's just that my mom's feeling under the weather and Jim's mom is on a cruise...so...here we are," Pam said bending down to lift Jill.

The baby attempted to pull away. Who wanted to be carried when you could just as easily move around on your own? Instead of moving forward though, she fell on her heavily padded butt.

Jill looked up at Pam, surprise written all over her face and a question in her voice, "Mama."

Pam nodded and dropped her diaper bag and purse on the carpet. "I know...Yesterday you had it nailed right?....This walking thing is quite fickle isn't it, sweetie?"

She smiled and lifted her up, thinking of how much easier the lifting used to be.

"It's no problem...bringing her here," Michael said as he reached out to touch her cheek "Hi there Jilly."

"Can you say hi to Michael?" Pam said, coaxing her daughter. A nearly 12-month-old Jill waved and quickly tucked her head against Pam's shoulder. "She's seems to be getting a little shy lately...it's ok Jilly - you remember Michael."

"Gosh what is she now? Two?"

Pam frowned. "Michael she hasn't even had her first birthday yet...it's around the corner though...you should come to her party."

"Wow...I'd be happy to...Wow, thank you," Michael said gleefully. "And she's walking and everything?"

Pam smiled bashfully. "A little...she's not going to be doing any marathons any time soon, but she can get around if someone's holding her hand...if she lets us hold her hand....she's pretty persistent."

Michael smiled a bit maniacally. "Wow...a child pedgi...prodig...prodigree.........Well I'm glad you brought her....Until Jim gets back from his sales call, you two can just refer to me as Daddy."

Pam shook her head almost imperceptibly. Yeah...probably not.

When Jill started to squirm, Michael reached out for her. "Here...give her to me...I'll take her on a tour of the office...Come here, Jill-o."

"Oh I -

"Oh Pam chill out....don't be such a mom."

Pam glanced at the camera.

Michael continued, bouncing Jill around in his arms. Pam came close to telling him that she'd just eaten breakfast...but she refrained - which was probably mean but she really hated it when people told her she was being too much of a ‘mom'. It was a huge pet peeve...

"And don't worry...I won't introduce her to Toby," Michael added. "This is gonna be so much fun, Jill...you are gonna love it here at Dunder-Mifflin. Your mommy and daddy certainly do...been here for-eva."

Pam bit her lip and lifted the huge diaper bag and purse from the carpet. She threw the same items under her desk once safely behind it.  Sighing, she leaned back against her chair...finally.

This had been one of the craziest mornings of her life, and there had been plenty of crazy ones lately. Between working part time, going to school, and trying to be a wife and a mom...her life was one wacky episode after another. She felt a little like she was on a TV show, because surely all of this couldn't happen to a real person in real life.

She'd actually dreamt the night before that she slid Jill inside her dresser drawer...and left her there. When she finally remembered Jill - she was blue.

Yes - a dead baby in a drawer dream. It had been a great way to start the day. Pam shivered even now, just thinking about it.

So this morning on very little sleep, she and Jim had followed their normal routine: They'd hit the ground running, getting themselves and Jill ready (Jill's stuff more than Jill. She carried more crap than a celebrity on European holiday). They then took separate cars into work because Jill needed to be dropped off at Pam's parent's place (or Jim's mom's depending on the week) and then picked up by Pam at lunch. But today, instead of Pam doing her Dunder-Mifflin duty all morning and then leaving in order to spend time with Jill and finish any schoolwork before class (which would usually last until Jim got home in the evening and then she would leave to go to class ) she'd had to be even more flexible...

After Jim had left on his sale's call this morning, she'd gotten a phone call from her mother saying she'd just thrown up, and that she didn't want Jill to catch whatever bug she was obviously coming down with.

Pam had instantly agreed because a sick Jill was not a fun Jill....No, a sick Jill was Demon seed Jill. And aside from that it meant that someone would have to stay home with her...which again - schedule - madness - murder/suicide in Scranton...

So Pam had hightailed it over to her parent's to pick up Jill, but still had a couple more hours left on her shift, so she'd brought her here where she hoped no one would mind. So far...no one did. Michael seemed completely jazzed about the idea.

Apparently so did others. "Oh my God Pam, she is so cute."

Pam looked up, "Oh...hey Kelly...thanks."

"You and Jim....made a totally awesome baby. I mean I know I said that when she was born, but I was totally lying...now...she's completely awesome."

Pam nodded. "Awesome."

"Except for her hair......"

Pam's smile dropped as Kelly continued.

"You're not gonna style her hair the way you style yours are you? You really shouldn't. Maybe you could take her to a salon or something and they'll tell you how to do it....It's too bad her hair isn't more like Jim's...No offense."

"Oh......wow...um...You know, I really - I probably missed a lot of voicemails while I was gone," Pam said gesturing to her phone. "I'm just gonna..."

Not gonna flat iron my 9 month old's hair, thank you very much....

"Oh yeah...sure. Totally," Kelly said. "Do you think I could paint Jill's nails?"

"Oh.....no thank you," Pam said softly. You're not taking her for manies or pedis either.

Kelly shrugged and walked away as if to say ‘your loss'.

Pam sighed and lifted her extension. She smiled at the sound of his voice. "Hey... I don't think I authorized any extra break time for you...hmm - interesting that you're not at your desk. Anyway, I wanted to tell you this guy is a complete tool - but you're not there...so I have nobody to mock with - pretty sure that was in the vows...something like ‘thou shall always be around to mock with'...Anyway, he makes Dwight look normal...See you soon. Love you - bye."

Pam smiled as she moved on to the next message.

"Ok, you're mom just called me...it was great timing because I got to excuse myself from this meeting for a minute...but she says she just hurled all over the kitchen floor. The thing is, I can't get out of this meeting right now...Maybe you can ask Michael if you can leave?...Sorry. Hopefully she's already gotten ahold of you....Wow...what's that word we made up for days that are insane before noon? Anyway...that's what this day is.....But no worries - at least we didn't leave Jill in a drawer right? See...already perspective makes it better. Give her a kiss for me...see you at home."

Pam smiled, remembering last night - 2:37 in the morning - Jim shaking her awake.

"Stop...stop...I'll check the drawers everyday...stop...I beg you to go to sleep."  

She forwarded to the next message.

"Hey...I'm on my way back to the office, but give me a call and let me know if you want me to get Jill. You're not answering your cell...so maybe you're still at work...not sure. Ok...I'm on my way there. Maybe you're not there...Maybe Andy is hearing this message. Hi Andy...I love you - bye."

Pam smiled and started to forward to the next message which was an actual message from a client, for Michael. She started to jot down the message...oh and then she needed to text Jim to tell him she'd already picked up Jill...don't forget.

"Ute cay aby bay, am pay," Andy said as he waltzed over to her desk with Jill in his arms. He plopped her down on the edge and she grabbed his tie and started to jerk on it. Andy quickly pulled it out of her grasp.

Pam smiled politely, "Thanks Andy. You can hand her over if -

"We woulda made cuter ones though," Andy said on a long sigh. "But you know ca sera sera......Stop it," Andy said pulling his tie away from Jill again.

Jill glanced back at Pam as if to ask why he wasn't letting her play with it.

"Why does your baby keep pulling my tie..."

"I don't know...exactly...she just likes it I guess...she does the same thing with my necklace...probably because it's got those gold threads in it...she likes sparkly things."

"This isn't sparkly...this is Abercrombie..." Andy said as Jill tugged this way and that on his tie. "Make her -

Pam stood up and extended her arms. "Why don't you just...give her to me."

"Sorry...listen, she's totally cute." Andy said continuing to fane amusement with a tight smile as Pam took her from him. "We coulda named her...ill Jay."

"Right...that's...that's too bad...that never ever happened."

"Maybe I'll just call her that way."

"Hmm...or...not."

"Listen," Andy said beginning again. "The thing is Pam...I asked around the office, and I happen to know for a fact that Jill does not have a godfather...and I'll tell you what - I'm it."

"What?" Pam said looking up in shock. "Who did you..." Out of the corner of her eye she saw Angela peaking over the divider.

"I mean call me a traditionalist," Andy went on, paying no heed to the expression of horror on Pam's face, "But I think she needs one...and I would make the perfect Godfather....I went to Cornell, so...I'm the obvious choice."

"Choice?...We aren't -

"...Also..." Andy said cutting her off. "She'll always know to aim high in the boyfriend department because of the example her Godfather set."

"Ick...aim low you mean," Dwight said overhearing the conversation on his way out of the break room. He stopped next to Andy in front of her desk. "Pam you can't seriously be considering allowing Andy ‘Anger Management' Bernard be your child's Godfather...he doesn't even have any pets. He couldn't possibly know what it takes to Godfather a baby....I on the other hand, know exactly what it takes."

Oh no. "Really guys, I wasn't looking for -

"Oh," Andy said clicking his tongue as he turned to Dwight. "Because your goats are like kids right?...What are you gonna do? Have Jill play with your bobbleheads?"

"In fact...I might - Jill has a very special relationship with my bobbleheads."

"What?" Andy asked, glancing at Pam.

Pam bit down on her lip. God, not that...She didn't need that prank to come back and bite her in the ass.  "Listen..Andy, Dwight -

"So...if Jim and Pam are going to pick anyone it's going to be me...I've known them longer and I stayed with the womenfolk during their hour of need."

Again, Andy could only say, "What?"

"I single-handedly tracked a perp around the perimeter of their apartment."

"Dwight you never found -

"And," Dwight added, cutting Pam off. "I was there during the birth of their child."

"But you -

"Well I," Andy began. "Was in the Chili's across the street with Michael when they had Jill...so..."

"Of course, because they wouldn't let you into labor and delivery...they only let in the father and the potential godfathers......Also, Michael wouldn't answer his cell phone to tell me where he was," Dwight mumbled quickly.

Pam sighed and glanced at Jill. "Ready for a sippy cup?" She said pulling one out of Jill's diaper bag. "Sorry you're not 21."

"Cuppy," Jill said and quickly shoved it into her mouth.

"Look at that," Michael said walking by. "I can't believe how much she's growing up."

Pam nodded, actually thankful for Michael's interruption. Maybe he could get Dwight and Andy to leave her alone.

Michael shook his head in disbelief. "I mean she doesn't...she's not breast feeding anymore?"

She had been thankful.

Pam moved Jill so she sat strategically in front of her chest. "Nope...she's...old enough now. She likes her cup."

"What are you thinkin' Jill! That's crazytalk," Michael said shaking his head. He glanced at the camera, and then back at Pam. "Listen...are these two numbskulls bothering you?"

"Well I...I am trying to get some work done," Pam said diplomatically. "You had a message from -

"Michael, Andy thinks he should be Jill's Godfather, tell him that's insane!" Dwight said cutting Pam off and smiling at the camera knowingly.

"Of course it's insane, because I am going to be Jill's Godfather...isn't that right, Pam?"

"No," Pam said without thinking.

"What?"

All three of the men at her desk turned to her at once.

"Oh...um, what?"

Michael frowned. "You know Pam...not every boss lets their employees bring their children to work...and do that..." he said gesturing to her breasts.

"But I'm not breast feeding -

"Well the....it's...connotat...connota -ded........Besides, you know what Pam, there are more reasons than just your breasts, ok!" Michael passionately began to explain why it made perfect sense, playing to the camera the entire time. "If Jim kicked the can today -

"What?"

"I own a condo...and you guys are still renting...it just makes sense that you would choose someone like me as Jill's godfather. Someone who's got his she-yot together...ok, Pam? ..."

Pam just stared at him. What...how had this happened. Wasn't her day crazy enough?

"I've got an entire beet farm."

Andy coughed and tried to hide the word ‘Dork' inside of it. "Michael may I say, that a condo and being the manager of a successful mid-range paper company far outweighs any agricultural hobbies of Dwight's...and seeing as you and I are BFF for realsies...I will be assistant Godfather."

"I will be assistant godfather!" Dwight spat.

"Assistant to the Godfather," Michael corrected.

"Wow...No...Not...not even for...no."

Pam turned at the sound of her husband's voice. Her face went from dismay to delighted to dismay all over again in a matter of seconds  - silently pleading with him to stop the madness ensuing around them.

Jill actually clapped at the sight of him. As if superman had just shown up.

"No, yeah you're right Jimbo...there doesn't need to be an assistant," Michael said, nodding. "Just...me. I'm enough. More than enough...Sufficient," he said proudly.

Jim had moved around the desk to kiss Jill on the cheek, his thumb moved back and forth across Pam's shoulder as he spoke, "Is this why we never bring her here?"

"No, I think it was because of her allergy to deer urine..."

Jim shook his head. "Listen, Michael...it's really nice of you to offer -

"But you're going with me...because I was there for you in your time of need," Dwight said interrupting.

Jim was taken aback. "What?"

"The break-in," Pam said nodding as she looked up at Jim.

"Oh. Right...totally...and we thanked you for that -

"Jim the Laser Tag and Outback Steakhouse gift cards were nice...but the best gifts in life are not plastic, ok?  Everyone knows that the best gifts in life...are hand-made...like another human life."

Jim tilted his head to the side, "Yeah...I just don't think that's something that we're going to.... give you..."

Andy cleared his throat. "Jim, may I say you have a lovely family -

"No."

"No I may not say you have a lovely family?"

Jim pretended to think for a moment, his eyes drifting towards the ceiling. "No."

"But -

"No. Stop."

Andy took a deep breath and turned. Everyone held their breath as he stopped in front of Jim's desk. It was clear he wanted to kick it...But he didn't. Instead he walked slowly back to his desk and slammed his coffee cup down, sloshing some of it on the wood. Angela frowned at the blatant display of anger.

Michael lifted his hand to his mouth to stifle laughter and Jim had to look away.

Jill smiled up at him.

Pam whispered through laughter. "Stop it......you're being a bad influence."

Dwight hitched his pants. "So...looks like it's a race between you and me Michael."

"Pssh," Michael said, pulling a face "Whatevs. I've got this nailed...that's what she said," he said with a burst of laughter. "No...no, not appropriate in front of..." he said glancing sideways at Jill in response to his own joke.

Jill climbed out of Pam's arms and stood on her desk, itching to get to Jim.

"Actually," Jim said, pausing to pull Jill into his arms. "We're considering other applicants."

"What?" Dwight said, his eyes going wide. "Who?"

"Just...you know...other people......"

"Who?"

"Dwight, don't be an ass...obviously Jim is only saying that to let you down easy. He wants to go with me...but he doesn't want to hurt your feelings," Michael said.

"No...actually...um...Pam do you remember who our other applicant was?"

"Oh...um..." No idea, Pam thought. "Um...Toby..."

"What! No way! You've gotta be kidding me!...Toby doesn't know anything about kids!"

Pam frowned. "He has a daughter."

"BFD!"

Pam replied quietly and succinctly, "His application and letters of recommendation are pretty impressive...he works in HR...so you know - he knows what an interviewer wants to see."

Jim nearly lost it.

Dwight spun on his heel and immediately logged on to his computer.

Michael simply glared in the direction of Toby's cubicle. His voice low and menacing... "Toby."

As the day wore on, Jim tried to think of a way to make Michael and Dwight both vying for the role of Godfather a little more tolerable. He lunch time he thought he'd finally found a way to make it not only tolerable, but highly entertaining...

PHalpert: Do you think he'll want to?

JHalpert: I don't know...maybe. HeTTTT needs something, right?

PHalpert: HeTTT needs something? What does that mean? Who's HeTTT?

JHalpert: Jill is learning to type.

PHalpert: Oh. Jim do you really think it's wise that you be the one to teach her that? I mean...you're kinda slow.

JHalpert: Wow.

PHalpert: J You're right though. Toby totally needs something new in his life... And I think Sasha would love having a baby to play with.

JHalpert: Yeah...maybe I'll ask him about it.

PHalpert: But what about Michael and Dwight?

JHalpert: What about theWOAURm?

PHalpert: You're gonna have to put her down if you want to get any work done.

JHalpert: No, I'm not putting her down. Everybody here wants to snatch her...I'd feel safer letting her wander around the mall by herself.

PHalpert: Ok, so what about Michael and Dwight though?

JHalpert: What about them? Pam...the idea of either one of them being her godfather is completelyAORUY ludicrous. Yesterday we weren't even thinking about this...and now it's like a topic of conversation. LLLLU

PHalpert: Well...I mean...just for them - we could.

JHalpert: Pam, do you realize what you're suggesting? You're suggesting that Michael or Dwight be in Jill's life - in our lives...forever...and...ever.

PHalpert: You're totally right. Forget it. Just talk to Toby.

JHalpert: Thank you for seeing WAJO reason.

PHalpert: Don't gloat or I'll ask Stanley.

JHalpert: I do not think THAT is funny.

Jim stood up and turned towards Pam's desk. "Tag in," he said passing Jill back to her.

Pam smiled smugly as he walked back towards Toby's cubical completely Jill-less. He stopped behind the divider when he heard Michael's voice.

"And you know what Toby...I don't even think you like Jill....so just do us all a favor and bow out of the race."

"I like Jill just fine," Toby retorted quietly.

"Oh really? Well, you sure don't act like it...where were you when she was born?"

"I thought Jim and Pam might have wanted privacy...my wife and I wanted it that way..."

"And where were you," Michael said steamrolling right over Toby's response. "When Jill came in here today!...You didn't even come to see her!"

"I was...working...we had a new applicant..."

"Oh really? Working?...Uhuh....When it comes to Jill, I would never be working..."

"That's because you never work," Toby muttered under his breath.

"What..."

"Oh hey guys," Jim said making his presence known before a fight broke out. "Um, can I talk to Toby for a minute Michael?"

Michael pursed his lips. "Sure...yeah...not sure why you'd want to talk to someone who doesn't even care about kids...but...sure...I'll just be going to update my online dating profile...Littlekidlover," Michael said emphasizing the words for Jim's sake.

Jim's eyes went wide before the camera as Michael walked away.

"Hey Jim..."

"Hey Toby....Well um...Pam and I kind of wanted to ask you ourselves...but I guess the cat's out of the bag..." Jim gestured towards where Michael had been standing.

"Yeah," Toby said smiling. "I...I'm a little surprised, but yeah."

"Really?...Come on man, we think you'd be great."

"Thanks...I just," Toby shook his head bashfully.... "I mean I'm honored...I just...I don't know...I thought it might be weird for Pam...or something," he said grinning a little and looking down.

It was more smiling then Jim could remember having seen him do in quite some time. "Uh, why...would it be weird for Pam?"

Toby stared at him for a moment, as if he expected him to know something.

Jim repeated with a crooked smile, "Why would it be weird for her?"

"Oh...nothing...she doesn't..." Toby glanced at the camera, his smile dissipated. "No reason," he said as his voice cracked.

Jim licked his lips and scratched the back of his head. "Well...alright then, expect an application on your desk tomorrow....but you know," he said shrugging. "It's pretty much just a formality. You've got the job locked if you want it....Oh, and try and get some letters of rec...make it look official."

Toby smiled. "Ok."

~~~~~~~

"I'm waiting for a letter of recommendation from Ira...but this should do for now," Dwight said placing his resume on Pam's desk. "This is the most updated version...it includes the time I searched the perimeter of your apartment and the time I installed child safety precautions because Jill's parents were too inept to install them."

Pam looked up at him in disbelief. "Dwight...Jim and I are the interviewers."

"I know that...and...thank you for the opportunity."

Dwight looked down at Jill who was asleep in Pam's arms. "She's cute like that...I wasn't a very good sleeper when I was her age. My mother had to put a shot of whiskey in my baba every day for years in order for me to fall asleep."

Pam nodded. "That's...I'll remember that tip."

"Oh there's more where that came from," Dwight said leaning forward. "Does she cry when she's getting a new tooth?"

"She can be a little fussy...yeah," Pam lied. Fussy was an understatement.

"A warm blanket fresh from the dryer....works like a charm."

"Really?"

"Yeah...try it...My grandmother's home remedy."

Pam smiled. "Ok...I will."

"Yeah, let me know how it goes," Dwight said before turning to head back to his seat. He stopped once more, "Oh, by the way...if I'm chosen, please don't assume that her Laser Tag lessons will be free, alright? Family or no family, I'm a trained professional Pam...and I expect to be compensated as such."

Pam nodded solemnly. "Ok."

~~~~~~~

Pam yawned against Jim's shoulder in bed. It felt like she'd been up forever. A day that had started with her mother getting sick, had ended with a ridiculously boring lecture from a guest professor.

"No. Pam...come on...don't fall asleep. You have to stay sitting up long enough to finish reading these with me...they are literally the best things ever...Michael didn't even bother to update his resume," Jim said barely able to speak, he was laughing so hard.

"Just...read them to me..." Pam said settling down against her pillow, a soft smile on her lips. Her eyes felt so incredibly heavy...

"Jeez Beesly..." Jim muttered, sliding down as well, but keeping the light on. He wrapped one arm around Pam, and lifted Michael's resume above their heads. "My God, he's got everything in here...lemonade stand, selling rocks...oh...oh Pam...He's got fourth grade lunch room monitor on here!"

Pam snuggled in against him, her eyes closed. "Halpert...I'm just getting really sleepy...can we do this tomorrow?"

"Pam there won't be any time tomorrow...We haven't even come up with the application questions yet," Jim said imploring her. Their faces were so close he could smell the soft whiff of Colgate. "Stay. Up. For. Just. 15. More. Minutes," he said punctuating each word with a quick kiss to different areas of her face. "Please."

She nodded silently, but nestled in under his chin. That wasn't a good sign. Whenever she burrowed it basically meant she was 2 seconds away from hibernation.

Jim cleared his throat, which roused her a little. "Ok....just...First question. I think it should be something that -

The sound of Jill's piercing cry was enough to shake them both out of the dimly lit quiet of their bedroom. Pam slowly shifted to get up, but Jim pulled her back.

"I got it...she's been like this on and off all night...I think she's getting another tooth," he said pushing out of bed. "Don't fall asleep though," he said jogging out of their room and down to Jill's.

Pam nodded and blinked a few times to clear the haze. Something about ‘the dryer' was trying to make its way to the surface of consciousness.

Just down the hall, Jim was entering Jill's room. She was trying to pull herself up to a standing position, but having trouble. Her face as red as a tomato, she was way too upset to concentrate on the mechanics of standing up.

"Ssh-ssh-ssh...what's the problem, huh?" Jim said, lifting her up under the arms. He put his lips to her forehead. "I hope it's just teeth...hope you didn't catch anything from G-Ma B......Uh, you feel warm...Don't be sick ok...you are so not fun when you're sick...Sssh-sssh...I didn't mean that in a bad way..."

Jim turned to find Pam standing at the nursery door. "Bees you coulda stayed in bed..."

"...Dwight said to try like a towel or blanket out of the dryer," Pam said putting her hand against Jill's jaw, as the baby continued to cry.

"What?" Jim asked, frowning. "I know...sssh," he said kissing Jill again. "You're thinking we should take parenting advice from Dwight?"

"Well...Dwight has bottle fed a baby goat."

"Well then..."

Jim passed Jill to Pam, and grabbed Jill's blankie from her crib. Quickly moving down the hall to the kitchen where they had a small stackable washer and dryer unit. He dropped it inside.

Pam slumped against the door jam and yawned with Jill still in her arms. "So this should be one of the questions...I guess...what to do when you're babysitting your God daughter and she starts doing her impression of a police siren."

Jim smiled and suddenly felt more than a little tired him self, watching Pam try and comfort Jill.

"Sssh...I know...I know...pesky teeth...you'll appreciate them so much one day I promise...in a couple of weeks you'll be having birthday cake - won't that be -....Oh crap!"

"What?" Jim said, walking towards them.

"Mamamamama..." It was less of a word, more a repetitious imploring from Jill. Imploring someone to do something about the horrible, wretched teeth.

"I know..." Pam said again, shaking her head, rubbing Jill's back... "Bad, BAD, teeth....Damn it, I forgot the invitations. I was supposed to address her invitations today."

"Pam...come on."

Jill was wailing away. It was interesting how once upon a time that would have stopped them both completely in their tracks. These days, having a conversation over the sounds of a crying or babbling baby was a completely normal occurrence.

"No, I mean nobody's going to come if they don't have enough notice. Two weeks is like barely enough notice to give. I'm already behind...I just didn't remember..." Pam said shaking her head again.

Jim licked his lips and closed the distance between them, taking Jill from her and positioning her high on his chest. Jill laid her head on his shoulder, but continued to cry.

"Let's just send an evite tomorrow..."

Pam made a face. "We can't send an Evite ...Jim it's a party for a 1 year old."

"Right...so I'm pretty sure a computer screen isn't going to be any harder for her to read than something printed on rosewood cardstock."

Pam paused against the door jam. "Nice...Well I guess I was just thinking I wanted our daughter's first birthday to be....I don't know - special? But you know...maybe that's a dumb idea."

"Never said it was a dumb idea," Jim said sighing as he paced with Jill. "Come on," he said to Jill then, his patience slipping a bit. "Jill...just stop."

He'd been dealing with this all night long on his own and all he'd been looking forward to was Pam coming home and them getting to work on the freaking godfather applications together.

She was tired...he knew that...he got that...

"I just wanted it to be something nice...not some evite..."

"Did I...oh yeah I think I proposed to you via evite," Jim said chuckling a little under his breath...didn't know it was so stupid."

Jill screamed.

"That's not -

"Pam!" Jim said losing it a little. "I'm just saying you've got enough on your plate...we've both got enough going on...send an evite and be done with it...it's a silly thing to worry about...it's not a priority."

Pam shook her head. "Wow...and coming up with godfather applications is so much higher on the list....silly me..."

The dryer Jim had set for only 5 minutes, buzzed loudly through their small apartment.

Jim mumbled something she couldn't hear under his breath and moved towards the kitchen, yanking the blankie out of the dryer...it was just warm enough...

"Ok.......sssh," he said sitting down on the couch with his little one. "Let's just try it...."

He heard the bedroom door click shut behind him. Well...that was just...great.

The door hadn't slammed...no he'd heard a very deliberate ‘click'. The deliberateness of it was the Beesly symbol for ‘fuck off'. Even her rudeness was astonishingly polite.

It was a freaking silly thing to be fighting about! Seriously?!

He placed the blankie between his chest and Jill's cheek. She snuggled in tight against him.

"That feel good?"

Whether she'd tired herself out from all the crying, or it was the magic of Dwight's warm blanket he couldn't be sure....but Jill stopped crying and was out like a light in minutes.

~~~~~~~

When the phone rang at 5 a.m., Jim thought he was dreaming. But Pam sprang to a sitting position, so he figured he wasn't. He felt around with his eyes still half shut. A barely there sliver of light filtered through their blinds.

The phone had to be somewhere....it was on his side...the nightstand...He knocked over a glass of water...opening his eyes in time to see it darken the carpet.

"What...what," he spat. "Yeah...hello?"

"Jimbo! How's it hangin'....that's what she said."

"What the hell...Michael?"

"No, I know...I know, you're wondering what I'm doing up so early, right?...I know....but I know that people with kids do not sleep and are up way earlier than swingin' singles like myself...so in an effort to show you and Pam how serious I am about all of this Godfather business, I have decided to get up every morning earlier than I normally would...in a show of sodi...solitary...solitarity."

Jim pressed the phone into the pillow for a moment so that he could mutter a few expletives.

"Jim, who is it?" Pam mumbled. "Is my mom ok?"

"No...it's Michael...He's..." He pulled the phone back to his ear. "Michael, I can't talk right now...Pam and I are -

"Oh-ho!....Wow, I am impressed....a newborn and you two are still doin' it regular?....Watch out there Wilt Chamberlain...Pam doesn't have any more maternity time to be taking off if you know what I mean."

"Yeah - pretty sure I know exactly what you mean. You were very, very clear Michael."

"Anyway," Michael said finally. "I'm just finishing up my bacon...wondering if there's anything I can do for you guys since I'm up? Need me to pick Jill up? Take her to school?"

"Michael, Jill doesn't go to school. She's not even a year old yet."

Just the words brought last night crashing back in on Jim....not a year old yet...birthday soon...invitations...evites...

He glanced at Pam, and felt his throat close up a little bit. Her eyes were a little puffy this morning, but she was still the most beautiful first thing in the morning sight he'd ever seen. Her hair a mass of curls against the pillow...her hands tucked beneath her head.

Jim covered the mouthpiece of the phone and whispered, "Michael is offering to pick Jill up and take her to my mom's today...I'm pretty sure we should let him," Jim said smiling softly at her.

Pam frowned. "Why exactly?"

"As part of his application process...and it'll give us some more time this morning to get those invitations done...and then I can mail them at lunch."

Pam smiled softly and leaned in close, kissing him gently...lingering for a long moment.

"I love you," Jim said, mouthing the words against her lips.

Michael's voice cut them off. "That's...Jimbo, that's so nice....I love you too.....D - do you still want me to come get Jill?"

"Is it on?" Pam asked, smoothing her hands over her denim clad knees.

Jim glanced up at her in exasperation, as he crouched behind the video camera. "Well Pam, seeing as this camera and I have gotten so well acquainted over the past year....and especially today," he said squinting.  "Yeah...I'm pretty sure I got it."

"I know...but you don't usually use the tripod..."

"Which makes it infinitely more difficult...yes."

"Ok so you want her to hear us fighting?"

"It's on standby....and now it's not....plus, she hears it all the time."

"Just...sit..."

Jim came jogging towards the couch and took the seat next to his wife. "Ok..."

Pam glanced at him, smiled, and then looked back at the camera. Her fingers picked something off of his jeans. "Ok."

"We're on camera like all day long and now suddenly....we're speechless."

"I know, right..." Pam said giggling.

"It's because we're uninspired."

"Yeah," Pam said turning back to the camera, her face void of expression. "It's because we're completely uninspired by your first birthday."

"Wow," Jim said shaking his head and gazing at the camera. "Your mother is...wow. I'm sorry Jill, but she. Is. Horrible."

Pam shrugged, but broke into a smile because she couldn't not smile.  "You turned one today."

Jim nodded and folded his hands in his lap, looking down.  Feeling oddly...sheepish as Pam continued to talk to their child through the video camera.

"And...it's really, really crazy," She added then. "We can't really believe it....Right?"

"Well...we can, considering we had liiiiike 50 thousand people here," Jim said looking up suddenly. "Yes in this apartment," he said gesturing to the living room around them, the kitchen to the side of them.  The bedroom behind.  Small, small...and small.

"It wasn't that many."

"It totally was......all for you Jill - who won't remember it - at all."

"Don't even start," Pam said on a sigh.

"Which is a good thing," Jim said, licking his lips.  "Because then maybe you can remain untraumatized by Michael's karaoke, Dwight's creepy kids stories -

"His stirring rendition of Angel Baby on the recorder!" Pam piped in, holding up a finger.

"Thank you...yes. And Toby reading what some might...nay, what all would call a very creepy letter."

"It wasn't that bad."

"All except for your mother........I'm sorry. Do we have the letter here, Pam?" Jim said holding out his hand.

Pam startled to giggle as she handed it to Jim.  "Yes...and it's all your fault," she said, barely getting the words out between her short gasps of breath. "You're the one who made them compete for the title of Godfather."

"Yes, Pam....I did make them compete, because competition is healthy and Jill can't go around with just anybody as a Godfather...but I did not expect this," he said unfolding the letter.  He turned to face the camera. "Jill...you'll see a lovely abridged version of the competition during your party footage...But for now, I'll read this letter, so you can understand how creepy he is."

"It's not that bad," Pam said again.

Jim cleared his throat. "Dear Jill...I just want you to know that if chosen to be your Godfather, I would take my position very seriously," Jim looked up at the camera for a moment and shook his head.  Then he continued reading.  "If for instance something ever happened to either your mommy or your daddy...If Jim got hit by a car or if he got...prostate cancer....or...was involved in a freak mountain biking accident -

Pam began to giggle in earnest then, falling over on the couch and out of the camera range.

"Wow....so happy your amused," Jim said, his voice emerging in hoarse amusement as well. He looked back at the letter. "That about sums it up Jill...Toby wants me dead."

"Oh my God..." Pam said, panting. Still in hysterics.

"Mommy thinks it's funny because she wasn't the one cut down in the freak mountain biking accident."

"I don't go riding..." Pam barely managed.

Jim shook his head. "So not the point."

Pam sat up, trying to pull herself together as she leaned her head on Jim's shoulder, out of breath.  "It's not freaking funny."

Jim chuckled. "Speaking of that...You should know - that Andy was disqualified from the competition."

"He threw a piece of cake at Dwight," Pam added, dashing tears away from the corners of her eyes as she finally calmed down, looking back at the camera.

"And so he was summarily dismissed," Jim said shaking his head.

"It was sad."

"It was Pam, it was....but it's...It had to be done. He's on strict orders not to show any aggression."

Pam nodded. "I thought he was going to hit you when you said he was out of the competition."

"I thought so too.  Can you imagine?" Jim said smiling. "He could have knocked me out cold and then Toby could have buried my body outside somewhere...maybe under the rose bushes."

"Why are we talking about this on our daughter's first birthday video?"

"Listen...this is what she gets until she stops being lazy and starts talking on her own.  Then she can do her own talking heads...until then..."

Pam shrugged. "Sorry Jill."

"So after Michael sang virtually every song with the word baby in the title -

"Baby Got Back," Pam supplied.

"But of course," Jim said nodding.

"Baby, Baby,"

"Subtle," Jim said nodding.

"Baby, Baby, Baby."

"Also subtle...but different genre - nice."

"Baby Come To Me,"

"A duet...which Kelly sang with him."

"It was sweet."

"Yes it was."

"And finally, Baby Hold On To Me."

"A little Eddie Money to round out the afternoon."

"So you might be wondering who won the competition," Pam said glancing back at the camera after their diatribe.

"Well...she's going to see the video of the actual party, Pam...so...

"So suck it."

Jim leaned back and did a palms up for the camera, pulling his mouth to one side in disbelief. 

"We decided," Pam said grinning at Jim. "To allow Michael, Toby, and Dwight to be your honorary Godfathers."

"Honorary," Jim said again.

"Which means that your uncle John is really your Godfather," Pam explained. "But if they ever ask you...they are absolutely your Godfathers."

"Except for they're not," Jim said again.

"Right."

"Also..." Jim began. "We're apparently going to discuss allowing Andy to compete again next year because Mommy feels bad about kicking him out of the competition."

Pam shrugged. "I just think it's something that needs to be revisited."

Jim shook his head.

"But for now it's really cool," Pam added. "Because Michael thinks that he and Dwight and Toby are like the three wise men...he likened his brining you a new stuffed animal to bringing frankincense."

"Which...you know..." Jim said as Pam laughed. "Is very, very similar."

"So that was kind of your party in a nutshell," Pam said then.

Jim shook his head, and pulled back. Look at Pam in wonder. "Wow...one year."

Pam nodded, her eyes instantly misted up.

"Oh," Jim said pulling Pam towards him, his arm around her as her head fell to his shoulder.  He pressed a kiss to her forehead.  Leaving his mouth there, he said against her skin, "What else do we want to say?"

"Um..." Pam said sniffling as she sat up. "Just that...it's been a really great year."

"Yeah," Jim said gazing at Pam. It had been crazy.  Work, school, baby, a still relatively new marriage...crazy.  "Really great."

"We love you."

"And we thought it'd be really great to videotape ourselves talking about your first birthday...since...you know, it could be like the bonus material at like...Target one day."

"Oh totally," Pam said laughing. "Because people are going to buy a documentary."

"Pam...our courtship was absolutely compelling."

"Courtship?"  Pam repeated, grinning widely.

"Stop."

"Is that what you call it?"

"Shut up...This is like a touching moment and you -

"You're the one who started talking about marketing this video. How is that touch -

Jill's cries interrupted Pam's words. She and Jim both looked at one another.  Jim smiled and gestured behind them, their conversation forgotten.

"So that's you," he said when he turned back to the camera.

"You've got good lungs," Pam said with a smile. "Ok," she said looking at Jim then.

Without another word, he got up and turned off the camera.

*******

Pam leaned against Jim as they stood over Jill's crib, whispering to one another after they got her back to sleep. 

Jim zoomed in with the camera, focusing on Jill.  "That's a lot of bling for a baby."

Pam buried her face in his shoulder to stifle her laughter. "Kelly got you a tiara for your birthday...and you kind of took a liking to it..."

"Scary," Jim whispered.

After a moment filled with only the sounds of crickets outside, he spoke again. "We decided to omit your earlier indiscretion."

"Yes," Pam began and Jim focused the camera on his wife for a moment, the evening moonlight filtered in through the curtains behind her.  "We felt the crying was very unbecoming....you know - with the crown," Pam added. "But...as you can see...you're perfect."

Jim panned the camera back over to a peaceful Jill. Still in her perfectly pink party dress, she lay on her belly with her arms sprawled out to either side, and her legs slack in a frog-like position.  Her tiara was only slightly askew...

Behind the camera, Jim agreed, "Perfect."

DAYCARE

So daycare didn't go so well.

Jill is not very good with other kids. No. Scratch that - Jill is terrible with other kids. I found this out during a particularly busy week...a week that would have inevitably happened at some point I guess, but Pam and I hadn't been ready for it. No, we hadn't really been prepared for my own mother deciding that she was going to skip her grandmothering duties for the week and go on some Carribean cruise with her girlfriends. Nope, hadn't been ready for that. We also hadn't been ready for Pam's mom to decide to get sick at the very last minute...Ok, so maybe ‘decide' wasn't the right word, but still. We hadn't really been ready with Plan C childcare.

So Pam and I called around...Other people did this all the time, right? Not everyone was lucky enough to have two loving, caring, grandmothers for babysitters on a regular basis. And as it turned out, people actually had other methods of childcare. My sister, for instance had used a daycare when my niece was a toddler. So when I called her to ask about it, she couldn't stop raving.

"No, Brianna really liked it...I think Jill will too. The ladies there are really wonderful...you don't have to worry about her getting hurt or anything because they've got eyes like hawks."

Pam had been really amped by the idea of super watchful, conscientious caregivers. But something about it had put a doubtful sort of nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wasn't sure what it was at the time, but now I knew...God, how I knew.

So, let's back up...I knew it would be tough for Jill...we both did. Pam and I figured maybe she'd cry because she wasn't used to being left with anyone but her grandmothers everyday. In fact...may I say - Pam is a wimp, and therefore requested that I be the one to stay with Jill for awhile before leaving her all by her lonesome in some new scary place.

So I, Jim Halpert, went in a little late for work that day. It was kind of a warm-up for when Jill started pre-school right? I had to get used to this abandonment thing anyway, so why not now? And why not this place that was apparently so wonderful

Why not?

Because Jill is not quite right. As it turns out, Jill is not only incapable of sharing...but she steals things. She steals a lot of things.

Toys, rattles (which she doesn't even really enjoy anymore), but mostly...

Woah-woahs

In our house a "woah-woah" is a Cheerio. And Cheerios are gold. Have been since Jill sprouted a few teeth.

So she likes her cereal! So what! A few Woah-woahs are not a big deal!

I found myself mounting a defense for her as I stood there at daycare. My face pressed against the doorjamb with a brow so tense I could actually feel my eyebrows lift. In the back of my mind my mother said something about them getting suck that way if I didn't cut it out.

Jill stood up on the alphabet carpet and grinned at me before the next round of stealing began. As if to say "Hey Daddy...check this out...Isn't it so awesome when I steal this kid's woah-woahs?"

Yeah, actually it is kind of funny, Jilly-Bean...NO! No, you are not allowed to think that!

Ok, so there are two Jims. There's a Jim that thinks pretty much everything Jill does is a riot. Then there's another Jim...and this Jim is a little bit more cognoscente of the fact that he's a grown up. A dad. Someone with an actual kid that apparently needs to learn manners and social appropriateness, and as such it's probably not that funny that she takes kid's cereal. Even if it's a kid named Wolfie who probably had it coming...

What the hell? This Scranton PA, not Hollywood.

But it's too late to be Jim number 2...because she knows. Jill knows what Jim number 1 is thinking. She knows because she apparently reads my mind. She knows it, I know it, Pam knows it (to my dismay).

Listen, how can someone not laugh when their daughter feeds the TV because an animal is suddenly on screen? How exactly does one go about resisting that? Especially when she's afraid of monkies. So...if a monkey happens to stumble on screen, instead of smushing the banana against the screen, she will attempt to throw it and then take several wobbly steps back.

She's a genius who lives by a code: Be polite...Don't be a fool.

Alright, so she's not so polite...she steals Cheerios.

I shifted and folded my arms across my chest. The teacher, Katherine came walking towards me and suddenly I was pulling on my tie and licking my lips.

Calm down...surely the woman has seen this kind of thing before. It's no big deal.

She smiled at me. It was fake...I knew that. Clearly she was thinking, ‘Don't ever come back here. Take your daughter and get the hell out...she's a menace to society...and to babies...and to like...pets.'

"I'm sorry...Mr. Halpert?"

"Yeah...no, Jim...please," I said extending a hand. Then I did it...put on the best salesman smile I had. I knew it was wrong...but what the hell? Some may have called it flirting...Pam would have called it a good cause.

She smiled back at me in a forced kind of way.

So I was proactive, I agreed with her before she ever said a word. "I know, right?" I said adding a grimace for effect. "I'm not sure what's going on with her. She's not usually like this...but check it out - she's using her words at least."

She was using her words. She was using "mine."

It sounded like "miiiine?"...she did this thing where all of her words (she had a few now) were phrased as question. Even though they obviously weren't. In fact she never waited for an answer. There didn't seem to be any doubt in her mind as to whether things belonged to her.

"Is she around kids?" Katherine was asking. "I think your wife mentioned on the phone that she was an only child."

And that's why Pam is not in sales.

"Right, right...but she's got a ton of cousins." A ton...Two? It's all the same... "And she gets a long with them great....I think maybe...I don't know, maybe - she might actually be feeling a little sick." I added, playing the pity card now.

"Oh well, Mr. Halpert -

"Jim," I said correcting her again.

"Jim..."

So she was a little snotty now with the way she said my name. And that wasn't really necessary. My kid was a klepto not a killer.

"If she's sick she actually shouldn't be here. Perhaps you or your wife could stay home with her..."

"No," I said grimacing and pulling back. "I didn't mean she was like... ‘sick', sick. I just meant she might be feeling...I don't know - weird about this, you know? Like heartsick. Like...me and her mom are leaving and she's used to grandma taking care of her...and then there's this weird place with weird teachers - not that you're weird - just...different," I finished pathetically. "I...I think she's gonna be great."

"She doesn't seem to have a whole lot of cooperative skills."

Seriously?

"With all do respect, I saw that kid over there haul off and whack another kid," I said pointing at Wolfie. A two year old with a Mohawk. "So...I mean...not sure we should point fingers here..."

I was supposed to feel sorry for a kid with a Mohawk when my daughter wore pigtails with little butterflies at the ends?

Katherine only stared at me. I'd said something scandalous about Wolfie.

I turned away, fixed my eyes on Jill. She had a handful of cheerios...I wasn't sure where she'd gotten them from. But then she looked at him, said "woah-woahs?" and then shoved them into her mouth. Wolfie started his impression of a police siren.

I didn't smile...I didn't.

Jilly had the decency to look perplexed at this show of raw emotion...She looked at me then. "Miiiiine? Woah-woahs?"

All while doing that thing with her mouth that made it look like she was slightly confused by what had happened.

I was living with a con artist.

With a sigh, I crossed the room and picked her up. "Bean, you are so not good at this."

"Woah-woahs?"

"You're cut off."

So daycare didn't go so well.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chasing Butterflies...

I was a little girl alone in my little world

Who dreamed of a little home for me

I played pretend between the trees,

And fed my house guests bark and leaves,

And laughed in my pretty bed of green

I had a dream

That I could fly from the highest swing

I had a dream

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park,

I asked God who I'm supposed to be

The stars smiled down on me

God answered in silent reverie.

I said a prayer and fell asleep

I had a dream

That I could fly from the highest tree

I had a dream

Now I'm old and feeling grey

I don't know what's left to say

About this life I'm willing to leave

I lived it full I lived it well

As many tales I lived to tell

I'm ready now

I'm ready now

I'm ready now to fly from the highest tree

I had a dream...

Sometimes when I'm just sitting and it's quiet and I'm doing nothing in particular...maybe laughing at something on TV or even looking out the window. You know - one of those rare occasions when I am alone...it's on these occasions that I suddenly find myself aware of my face.  Like the exact way that my face looks at that moment because I can feel the muscles around my mouth pulling up, or I can feel the tension in my nose...and these things I feel - they feel like my mother.

Maybe as I've become a better observer.  A better artist.  A better mother - I've become more aware of the way skin feels, the way it responds to happiness and sadness...and it sounds weird to say, but I find myself wondering if Jill will feel this one day.

Will she feel me in her own smile?  The one her daddy swears is mine.

I don't know if that makes any sense. But you know that thing...The thing about your mind's eye...That thing that captures an expression that can't be explained. 

There are expressions that my mother used to make when I was a little girl. The one that said ‘come back here', ‘now you've gone too far'... ‘I love you.'  Her face has changed over time, so maybe I don't catch them that often, maybe I'm too busy to catch them...but I know they're still there.  Because I know for certain that the feeling deep inside that makes you make those faces...that can't ever go away.

Sometimes I'm too afraid to reach up and touch my lips - afraid my mother's expression will go away.  I want to hold on to her every time my daughter does something I don't know quite how to deal with...and she's only one and half.  She's only one and a half.

God help me when Jill is 16 and the act of mimicking my mother maybe - perhaps won't cut it anymore.  When she comes home with a Roy and I know she needs a Jim...

I hope my mother's expressions permanently etch themselves across the lines of my face.

These are fleeting, crazy thoughts, but they find their way into my consciousness whenever little bits of Jill's personality start to emerge in ways that are no longer defined in terms of playpens and baby swings. When the desires of her heart reach far beyond what she's been taught is safe.

What would my mother do or say? How would she look - catching Jill in the act of stealing woah-woahs?   Or when she won't give up on something...When she has a tantrum over not getting to pet any old dog on the street. When she's screaming bloody murder and passerbys think you must be abusing this poor little child.  What about that quivering lip...and the expression that says unequivocally that I'm the meanest mommy in the world.

Sometimes (when she's not behaving like the little dictator she can sometimes be) her face looks like mine.  I didn't see it at first.  I think I tried not to - for whatever reason. Preferring to see Jim in every pull of her mouth and mischievous grin, but I'm starting to see me...in the wonder.  In the disastrous enchantment with the foreign world around her.

Jim and I have an expression - we call it "Chasing Butterflies"...we use this in a lot of different ways.  It first emerged one lazy, Sunday afternoon spent in the park on a blanket.  This was quickly becoming our favorite family weekend activity and it was starting to become Jill's as well.  Ever since she'd learned how to walk (seems like she's gone straight to jogging) she's loved to explore. One day she decided that the butterfly dancing around her head needed to be pursued.  So pursue it she did...walking, falling...walking....jogging...falling...

If I hadn't known better I would have sworn the butterfly was doing it on purpose, waiting on a flower petal for just the shortest of moments before fluttering off again on a breeze...We watched for a bit...it was a safe park...we weren't too worried, until that crazy-panic filled - hand tingling- heart stopping - moment ...when she was gone. 

I'd never seen Jim move so fast.

But there she was just behind a tree...Just chasing butterflies.  It was the first time I'd ever heard Jim raise his voice even a little bit with our daughter.  Fear makes you do things.  Your instincts go crazy. One minute your voice emerges in a tone you're not familiar with and the next minute renders you silent.  You can't talk much when you're busy smothering your child with affection

From that day forward, Jim's journal entries became more and more like brief little PSA's:

Dear Jill,

Stop that.

Imploringly,

Daddy

P.S.   THAT is tough love

The picture I'd drawn next to this entry was one of Jim - looking perplexed and swatting at a butterfly.

The problem with Jill is that she has this crazy sense of security.  Absolutely no fear. Even her aversions to monkeys and harmonicas have taken a dive in the past month or two.  She's growing up.  Growing into her own personality and taking chances all her own. 

But she just...flits!  She just flits around! And those are the times I remember my mother saying, "Pamela, I don't know what to tell you...if you don't look where you're going...blah, blah, blah....," I'm sure I was too busy flitting to remember what dire fate would befall me if I kept my current bout of inattention going.

So the fact is...we have a mischievous, wandering...happy child on our hands...and I guess we had it coming.  Describing her this way makes her sound like some kind of sprite...and I'm not sure it's entirely inaccurate.   Jim swears that when she asks where babies come from, he's going to tell her that we found her in the woods. 

Maybe my worrying is for nothing. I suppose until the day she stops glancing my way to find out if food is too hot, stops following the sound of my voice, until she stops making eye contact just before being passing into someone else's arms...or the day she stops placing her sweet little palm against my cheek when she's getting sleepy...

I suppose until then I'll just look at her with my mother's eyes and use expressions that aren't my own...Holding her hand while we're in the park - and letting go every once in awhile.  Because sometimes chasing butterflies works out just fine.

Lyrics from Dream, by Priscilla Ahn

Brokenloon thanks for being an AWESOME beta!!!  You've gotta be an even better dad! 

-- Talking Head in Conference Room --

"You ready?" Jim asked. "Because they have some serious questions for you."

Jill smoothed her hands over the red and white gingham dress that she wore and shifted in her seat.  She looked up at her daddy with Pam-shaped green eyes.  The expression she wore was very serious indeed, as she parroted back his word, ‘serious' (except of course with a ‘w' substitution where the ‘r' should have been). 

Jim lovingly referred this particular substitution (as there were many) as Jill's Wascaly Wabbit impersonation.  Pam of course strictly forbade the use of the nickname, claiming that any hint of ridicule would cause the demise of ‘R's for the rest of Jill's life...and did he really want to be responsible for that?...No, absolutely not, Beesly.

Everyone in the camera crew busted up at Jill's faux pas though, and she ate it up.  Grinning away, because clearly she'd made a very good joke. 

Jim smiled back at her. He'd have to teach her how to deadpan it later.

The "serious face" is what had gotten them into this whole Jill does a Talking Head situation, anyway.  The producers of the documentary had seen her do it one day when Jim and Pam had brought her to the office and that had been it.  He and Pam had gone back and forth a bit about it and then finally decided that because the documentary crew was going to be taping their upcoming move anyway, it was inevitable that sooner or later they'd be asking Jill questions.

Surprisingly, Jill never asked one single question about the cameras.  The most shocking part about it was that Jill asked questions regarding just about everything else. She was a two-and-a-half year old that needed to know the hows and whys of just about everything in life.  It occurred to Jim and Pam that maybe - it being the only workplace she was familiar with -  that maybe she thought all offices had video cameras with people that asked mommy and daddy questions sometimes.

Steven, the main camera operator, cleared his throat. "Jill, where are you and mommy and daddy going to be moving later this week?"

Jill scratched the back of her head and then glanced at Jim, her milk chocolate brown pigtails swinging.

"Remember?" He said prompting. "The place where you're room's going to be soooo much bigger...we talked about this...at length."

At length being the optimum words. 

Jim pulled one side of his mouth to the side and quietly said, "I think she's feeling a little shy," before turning to her. "You want to sit in my lap?"

She nodded quickly and he scooped her up into his lap. Her little black patent leather shoes swung near his knees. He pointed to the guy behind the camera. "See...that's Steve. He's goofy...and he likes to eat peanut butter and jelly everyday for breakfast...just like you."

She giggled and he kissed her cheek.  "Ok...so remember we talked about moving to...where? It's someplace special."

"We'uh movin' with gamma and gampa...it's gonna be so so so fun." 

Jim looked at the camera and translated. "We're moving in with grandma and grandma...We're not though. Pam and I bought their house...I know, crazy. But it just worked out perfectly. My parents are looking to retire maybe somewhere a bit warmer...and Pam and I have been thinking about a bigger place for awhile now."

That was it.  All she needed was something to trigger her hearts desire.  She started chatting away about how ‘gamma' and ‘gampa' were going to ‘Fornia'...and of course once they got there they were going to take her to Disneyland.  All of this was of course punctuated by her need to have Jim (or as the crew soon found out ‘Dah-ye'= Daddy) confirm that it was true. She was going to get to go to Disneyland and visit the princesses.

"I know, Bean....She's really excited, if you couldn't tell," Jim said explaining to the crew.

Steve laughed, "So um...Jim...Going back to the new place for a minute. Why are you and Pam looking for a bigger one exactly?"

"Oh...have you seen our apartment?  I mean...that's why."

Jill started playing with the watch Jim wore, pretending to turn the little dial on the side.  She was quietly singing the Hickory-Dickory-Dock song.

"Someone's coming out of their shell," Steve quipped while waiting for Jim to answer.

"Oh yeah...I'm not sure what's going on.  She's usually so demure," he said while rolling his eyes.

When it was clear that maybe Jim was either avoiding the question or was really quite distracted by his daughter's tune, Steve repeated himself.  "Do you need additional space for any specific reason?"

"Other than storage for this ones clothes and toys?"

"Ok...so it's not part of a family expansion plan?"

"Uh...no, we're not looking to ‘expand' yet," Jim said grinning. "Not yet...But at least now I guess we have that option.  In the apartment we're in now, any more kids and they'd have to live in the oven."

The crew started laughing so Jill did too of course.  Then she said something about her Dah-ye being so silly.  Then just as suddenly, she turned towards Jim and put her hand to her lips, whispering that she had a secret. 

Jim made an ‘oh excuse me' face to the camera and then leaned down towards Jill. She whispered something in his ear.

He nodded as he pulled away. "She's really into secrets lately...something she picked up...I don't know where."

"Jill will you tell us the secret?" Steve asked.

Well of course, because to Jill all a secret meant was that you whispered something. Jill nodded. "I gonna have a bigger room at gamma-gampas house."

"That's bigger, for those of you guys who don't speak two-year-old."

They started laughing again, and so did Jill.

A knock on the door interrupted the laughter. "Hi guys...Um, Jill I'm about to order some Barbies on the internet.  Come sit with me."

"Oh um, Kelly -

Just like that Jill was scootching off of Jim's lap and following Kelly, who gleefully jumped up and down.  Jill was clapping as she made her way out of the conference room.

"Be good!" Jim called after her, watching her until the door shut.  He glanced behind him through the blinds before turning back to the camera.

He propped his chin up on the heel of his palm a moment later. "Uh...yeah, we've asked Kelly to babysit a couple of times lately.  Jill really likes her...a lot. And now Jill really wants to drive a BMW," Jim said with a fake grin. "She doesn't know what that is...She thinks it's an alphabet car

~~~~~~~~~~

-- Talking Head next to Kelly's Cubicle --

"Jill is like the best little girl ever I think.  She likes to shop with me.  She likes it when I do her nails. And she likes to buy dresses that Suri wears.....How does she know who Suri is?  Oh because I tell her.  Whenever I babysit her I bring over a ton of magazines.  Who else is going to teach her about the important things?  Jim and Pam sure aren't going to. Somebody has to...and that somebody gets to be me!

"I hope when I have a baby, she looks just like Jill only...with Beyonce's eyes and my hair." Kelly lowered her voice and glanced back to where Jill sat in front of her computer. "Poor thing has Pam's hair...it's really unfortunate."

~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days later...

The cameras zoomed in on Jill spinning around with her arms out.  Her feet dancing in circles atop the red living room carpet as people brought in boxes all around her.  "Sweetie please be careful," Pam was saying as she walked past her.

Jill was doing sweeping bows then, as if presenting the vast land before her to her guests. She was saying something nonsensical about her ruby slippers.

Pam hitched the box that she was carrying up on her hip and blew her bangs out of her eyes before she stopped in the threshold to talk to the cameras.  "She hasn't even seen the Wizard of Oz, but she saw a promo for it and is now fixated on the idea of ruby slippers...she asked me tons of questions about them. ‘Mommy why do they spawkle?' Pam said doing her own impersonation. "Or, ‘Can they be from Santa Clause?' Or the best one...‘How can they be mine?'...So now anything that is remotely red is a ruby slipper...even if it's a carpet..." Pam said shaking her head. "I'm a little worried that she's going to be absolutely devastated when we get that carpet taken out....She does ‘devastated' really well."

"Maybe we can get a little piece of it put down in her room," Jim said in an off-hand comment as he moved through the shot.  His face was completely obstructed by the box he carried "She also likes the clown!"

"We're not keeping the clown!" Pam shouted back to him. "Or the carpet," she whispered then to the cameras.  "Why hasn't she seen the Wizard of Oz?" She said repeating Steve's question. "Oh Gosh, I just remember being so afraid of the witch when I was little and I think I was five...I told Jill I was adding the Wicked Witch of the West to her No Jill list...It's so funny, she really abides by that list...I think it's because it's specifically for her.  She loves anything that's specifically for Jill and no one else...We're going to have to make a new list for this house anyway...so maybe...we'll see......Ok, I have to get back to those boxes outside.  Will you guys make sure she doesn't break anything? Thanks."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"She's showing me her mommy's ‘stu-yo'," Michael said, quietly looking over his shoulder at the camera.  He grinned widely as Jill took his hand, pulling him inside the garage.

"Wow...this is really nice Jilly," he said grinning. He frowned at the camera a moment later.  "It's not really that nice," he whispered. "But you have to lie to kids...they don't know any better......So mommy does her painting here?"

Jill nodded vigorously.

"Wow...you're so lucky that mommy can paint such cool things for you" Michael said again.  "What do you do in here while mommy's painting? When I was a kid my mom had rooms I wasn't allowed in."

"Oh...I'm vewy loud," Jill said, misunderstanding. She took off then, stumbling once on her way to the radio that sat on the floor on the other side of the garage. She quickly got her feet back under her and then started going again.  She pushed the power button on the CD player and immediately Beyonce started singing about all the single ladies.

Jill turned to look at Michael and started dancing and singing.

Michael turned to the camera and burst into a giggle as Jill started what looked like an entire routine to the song.  "Oh my God...look at you go."

She put her hands on her little non-existent hips and wiggled around.  Michael walked over hesitantly at first, but then joined in with Jill's moves, singing If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it...uhuh-oh...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

-- Talking Head in the kitchen --

"Oh...yeah, Jill has certain songs that she likes.  And she demanded that we buy that particular CD after a night with Kelly," Jim said looking at Pam.

Pam smiled. "Right.  She's apparently way too grown up for the music we want her to listen to...but we're still making her listen to Radio Disney...But then that song comes on the radio and she's like, "Yonce! Yonce!...We didn't even know what she was talking about at first!

"You had it on your workout mix," Jim mumbled.

"Shut up. I thought all music snobbery was done when you downloaded David Archuleta."

"Oh my God..." Jim said shaking his head. "Anyway, we were talking about Jill, Pam...not your bad taste in music."

Pam laughed as Jim started talking again. "Jill is...the most stubborn person on Earth...not even...child...just...person."

"Yeah, we don't where she gets that....I mean I think he and I are both pretty easy going.  Pretty flexible."

"Jill does not bend."

"Like not at all."

"Spoiled?" Jim said, repeating Steve's question.

"Probably," both he and Pam answered at once.

Jim mumbled, "Definitely," and Pam smacked his arm. "Because I'm the only one, right?"

"Right," Jim said grinning at the camera.

Pam folded her arms across her chest and shook her head.

~~~~~~~~~

"This is your room, Bean...isn't it great?  This is where Daddy went night-night when he was your age..." Pam added as she hoisted Jill up in her arms. 

She'd been slaving away in this room for the last few weeks, getting it ready.  Making it perfect. They'd wanted Jill to be excited about moving in.  Pam had free-handed intricate, colorful butterflies all over the walls.  All in varying patterns and shades. "Do you like it Jilly-Bean?"

Jill bit her lip hesitantly, but started to nod before burying her face in Pam's shoulder.

Pam rubbed her back in slow circles. "Mommy knows it's different...but it's so much more fun than your old room because you can get even more toys in here.  Isn't that so exciting?"

Jill just nodded into her shoulder without a word.

Jim smiled fondly at the pair of them as he leaned against the doorjamb.  He reached out to run his fingers through Jill's curls.

"Not spoiled at all."

"Shush. We have to make her feel comfortable here. She's gonna be homesick."

"Pretty sure a mortgage means less toys," Jim said under his breath.

"Shush."

Jim moved in behind them, finding Jill's eyes.  "Hey...it's your big girl room, because you're such a big girl now."

She nodded, still not convinced of said room's greatness. 

"Kisses," he said, and she reached out to give him one, her little hands on the sides of his face.  "Just wait, you're gonna love it.  Mommy and Daddy are always, always -

"Always, right," Pam finished.

~~~~~~~~~~~

-- Talking Head in Jill's room --

"So Jill how do you feel about your new room?"

"Mommy...Mommy puts buttah-flies on the walls..."

"You like butterflies?"

Jill nodded vigorously.

"Tell us what you like so much about butterflies."

She just smiled...and then so did they.

~~~~~~~~~~~

-- Talking Head on the couch in the red living room --

"She started sleeping in a big girl bed months ago and all of a sudden she looks in this room and she says ‘Mommy where's my crib?'...I think she's just feeling out of sorts."

"She'll be fine though," Jim said putting his arm around Pam.

"Yeah we made a really big deal about how now we can get a dog and that seemed to brighten her up a bit. She's been asking for a dog for the last few months...and pissed at us because we wouldn't get one...She just didn't understand about the apartment...We're so excited she has a yard to play in now."

"And getting her a dog means she won't try and name the clown."

"Yeah," Pam said turning a radiant smile on him.

"Yeah," Jim agreed  pulling Pam a bit closer.  He popped the top on a beer for her and they clinked bottles. "To our new house."

"To our new house."

Steve cleared his throat after a moment.  It was clear their time was up. "One more thing and we'll get out of your hair for the night...Um, the house is deceptively larger than it looks...and we noticed there are four bedrooms upstairs...and actually there's a room between yours and Jill's...we were wondering why that was."

Jim made a face. "Oh, that's...we just thought Jill had more space in the room at the end of the hall."

"That's all?"

"Yeah.........And because...we'll probably start trying again soon," Pam added cheekily. Her grin widened and she started to laugh at the bomb she'd just dropped

"Wow," Jim said blushing instantaneously. "I thought we weren't going to say...Wow. Yeah," he said, finishing with a hand in front of his mouth.  He tried and failed to massage away the grin that held his face captive.

"Yeah...Well...we feel kind of...ready...right?"

"Right," Jim said still blushing. He looked at her.  "We feel ready." 

No copyright infringement is intended.

The Girl Who Made You Her Own

"Hey c'mere..."  Jim said scooping Jill up right before she went galloping into their bedroom.  She was like that lately.  Everything was a race.  She was always in a hurry to get from point A to point B, and it struck him that most often he found that amusing. 

Tonight, he just found it tiring.

A quick peak inside the darkening room confirmed that Pam was in the same position he'd left her in. Lying on the bed, a sliver of twilight cast upon her side.

Jim shut the door as quietly as he could and stood there for a moment, Jill in his arms and raring to go, while his feet were cemented to the spot.  All the air in his body gathered into a tight little ball in the center of his chest and he couldn't breathe.

"Daddy, let's see Mommy."

Breathe...now move. "You want to help Daddy with the laundry?" He asked, bounding down the first couple of steps.

"No, I want mommy to play."

Jim licked his lips and paused on the third step. "Oh, I have an idea...You ready for a slide?" He was sitting down before she even answered.  She'd never once turned down a slide down the stairs. 

Don't let tonight be the night she no longer likes bumpy slides down the stairs.

Jill giggled as they slid down the steps together. 

If he just kept Jill busy for...

How long? 

A liquid pool of infinity swirled suddenly around him; threatening to swallow them up. What if tonight stretched into tomorrow and the day after that, and the day after...He couldn't feel his own feet touch the bottom of this yet. When would hers touch?

The sudden lump in his throat made it hard for him to get the words out.  "Hey...What do you want for dinner tonight? A little Macanese?"

"Yeah Daddy, Macanese...aaaaaand...tots." Jill said, raising her arms.

Jim picked her up and fit her into her highchair.  My God she's getting so big.  "You want Macanese and tots? That sounds healthy."

"Yeah."

"Mommy would kill me if I just made you Macanese and tots." Shit.

"What's mommy gonna have for dinner?"

"Um..." Jim turned around, and reached for the pot that hung from the wrack above the island.  They'd just had it installed last week. 

Things were going really well.  A promotion at work had meant a new house.  Pam's last semester at school meant time for...

Jim put the pot on the stove and just stared at it for a moment...two...three...

"Daddy, make the Macanese for Mommy."

"Oh you know what, Bean," Jim said grabbing the blue box from the cupboard next to the fridge. "Mommy's actually got a cold.  I think she doesn't feel much like eating....So you and me are gonna have to put dinner on, and then do a little bit of laundry...because you're really good at that," he said winking.

She attempted to wink back and he felt his heart get just a little bit lighter.  Thank you.  He dropped a kiss on the top of her head, on his way back to the stove.

"Me and you make the dinner and do laundry and then...play baby dolls."

Jim stared at the Mac & Cheese for a few moments too long.  "Bean you know what?  What about um...those um...what are those puppies...the stuffed puppies that Grandma got you?"

"No daddy, I want to play babies."

"Ok," he said quietly.  "We'll just..." he was pouring the noodles into the pot.  What next?  It was the one thing he'd known how to make since college and he couldn't remember.  He grabbed the milk, the water...butter?  

"Ok, so the Macanese is cooking," he said then, tossing the box in the garbage under the sink.

"Tots Daddy!"

"Yeah..." he whispered. "I'm gonna put some tots in the oven, and how about some broccoli if I put the cheese on it? Come on...don't do that." he said when he saw the instant pout and furrowed brow.

Shit. Cheese!  Jim turned around, opened the cupboard under the sink and retrieved the blue box that still had that gnarly looking orange powder in it.  Not exactly Mac & Cheese without the cheese, idiot.

Jill was still pouting.  "Daddy, no brockley."

He and Pam had gone back and forth on whether to really push the issue with food.  For the most part, Jill wasn't a very picky eater but when it came to vegetables there was always an hour long drama.  And in the end he and Pam would both end up awarding Jill with the best actress award for most intense hatred of a vegetable.

"No daddy I hate brockley," Jill squealed more intensely this time, as if maybe he just hadn't heard her the first time.

"You don't hate it with cheese," Jim said turning to her, bracing his hands on the countertop behind him.  He glanced up at the staircase.

Ok...calm down.  Breathe.

"Apples...Apples with cinnin."

"Negotiating?"

She smiled at him like she did when she had no idea what he was talking about.  He bit his lip and had to look away for a moment, not sure what had just hit him, but it was something hard and in the gut. 

"Ok...you're gonna get me in trouble.  But ok....um, apples and cinnamon are a good substitute...I think.  We'll do that."

Jill clapped.  "I gonna tell Mommy that I'm eating all my apples sinnin like a big girl."

"She'll be really proud, but she'd be even more proud if you were eating the broccoli."

"Daddy!" She squealed louder this time, and her face scrunched as she kicked her feet against the back of bottom of her high chair in frustration.

"Hey, cut that out," Jim said reprimanding.  His voice a little sharper than normal.

"I want Mommy," Jill said, looking down at her highchair.  They were the same words she always used when he was being unreasonable, he knew that.

Jim inhaled slowly. "Mommy's taking a nap. I'll take you up to see her when you're all done with your dinner - every single bite."

She was still pouting.  She was ridiculously good at pouting.

Jim covered his face with his hands and took a deep breath, letting his hands linger, covering his mouth for a minute.  His eyes connected with hers and he let his hands fall, mimicking the expression she wore.

She giggled.

"Your face will stay that way...you know that."

"Let's make apple cinnins for Mommy."

"Ok."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was able to put her off again after dinner, saying that they would see mommy after cleaning the kitchen.  Which meant she got to play with her kitchen toys (a pretend toaster and microwave) while he loaded the dishwasher and wiped down the stove.  That took all of 5 minutes.

They played Baby Dolls then, because there was no way the Puppies would have held her interest. As it turned out, he didn't play Baby Dolls correctly. Only Mommy played the right way. 

Why does Mommy have to be sick?  What a bad, nasty cold.

He only nodded and brought her attention back to what they were doing.  Feeding the babies, changing the babies' diapers, putting the babies to sleep...and then over again. 

The irony struck Jim anew and a guttural kind of chuckle slipped through his flimsy filter.

Jill looked up. "Daddy the babies are being very good, huh?"

The phone rang just then and he'd jumped up to get it, racing to catch it before it rang again. He yanked the cordless phone up from where it sat on the banister.  Thankful for the reprieve.

"Hey Jim...it's Brenda...Um, do you know if Pam was planning on coming to class tonight?  We had a pretty hefty assignment due tonight...I called her cell and she didn't pick up."

Jim cleared his throat and kept his voice low, he moved to stand inside the dark, empty room between their's and Jill's for a moment without thinking.

"Oh...um..." Oh God...

"Jim? You there?"

Her voice melted the frozen feeling in his bones and he started to move.  Hastily he shut the door behind him.

"Sorry...yeah, I'm here...Hi Brenda.  Thanks for calling...um, yeah Pam...she actually came down with this really bad bug.  I think she's just going to have to ask for an extension on the project or..."

"Oh. Ok, she shoulda just called me.  Does she want me to come by and pick it up after class?  I have another class tomorrow and I can just drop it off."

Yes...No...I don't know...Don't come over.  Should I drop it off? Should I ask Pam...

"I'm actually...Yeah, don't worry about it.  I'll um...I'm going there tomorrow."

She had to know he hadn't been planning on doing any such thing.  There was zero reason for him to show up on campus.  "You're sure?" Brenda asked tentatively.

"Yeah. Um, thanks for calling Brenda. I'll let Pam know you called.  Talk to you later."

"Oh, um -

He hung up.  And sat there.  His parents old grandfather clock was still hanging near the front entrance and he heard the tick-tock, tick-tock, and above him the soft ramblings of Jill talking to her babies.

She raised her voice, piercing the quiet. "Daaaaaaady! Your baby needs her bottle!"

He sat for a moment longer than he should have.

"Daaaaady!"

After ten more minutes of Baby Dolls, he'd told her they'd forgotten to do the laundry, so she ‘helped' him when he hoisted her above the washer and had her pour in the detergent. 

Jill loved being a helper, thank God.

Moments later, she'd hit her threshold. Tired, but unable to go to bed without seeing mommy, she'd gotten whiny and really cranky.

"Jill Marie, cut it out right now or no Furry in the bath."

Furry was a plastic bottle top to an old shampoo bottle that was a bear.  She'd fill him up with bubbles and dump him out, fill him up with bubbles and dump him out.  It was the cheapest most entertaining toy on the planet.  Jim wished they were all that way.

In the bath, Jill was quieter than normal as she played with Furry.  Out of nowhere, she looked up at Jim and said. "We're gonna add Mommy's bad cold to the No-Jill and No-Mommy and No-Daddy list."

Jim licked his lip and bit on it.  He picked up the cup that sat on the side of the tub and poured water through her dark tresses.

"Daddy?...Dat's a good ‘dea?"

"Perfect idea," he said holding her face and placing a big kiss on her wet forehead.  He turned around to grab a tissue to blow his nose.

"No, no cold Daddy."

"I'm fine, Beanie."

She fell asleep quickly after her bath.  Jim sat on the couch with Jill's head on his lap. Her little body curled up on the couch next to him in her nightgown.  He put his hand over her feet to keep them warm.  He probably should have just taken her up to bed, but he hadn't been able to yet.

He clicked off the television he hadn't been watching in the first place, and pushed her damp hair away from her forehead.  He put his lips against her temple. "Come on Sweetgirl it's time for bed," he said picking her up.

She curled into him as he made his way to the staircase and up to her room.  Pam had recently found a night light that cast a circulating glow on the butterflies painted on the walls.  He switched it on and laid her in bed, tucking in both sides.

She started to fidget, her eyes blinking. She always fought sleep, just like he'd done as a kid, for reasons he couldn't remember.  It was like he thought his family had parties once he went to bed or something.  Maybe his brother had told him that?  He wasn't sure.  All he knew was that the fight she waged was ridiculously familiar.

It made him smile. "Go back to sleep, Bean...We don't have any fun once you go to bed...It's all terribly boring."

Groggily she whispered with her hands around his neck. "The trees Daddy?"

Jim kissed her forehead. "More than all the leaves in all the trees," he said, as was their ritual.

"That's how much Daddy loves Bean?"

"That's how much....Now go to sleep," he whispered.

He stayed until her eyes were closed and she fell back into slumberland. 

When they'd first moved in there'd been a few nights when she'd climbed into bed with them, afraid of her new room.  Mentioning the Wicked Witch....

Nightmares born of a silly promo she'd seen on television for goodness sake.  She'd still not been allowed to see the movie.

Jim had assured her that he'd put an anti-witching spell on that room long ago when he'd been a boy living in the very same room.  Somehow, someway she'd believed him capable of casting an anti-anything spell.

Jim exited her room, leaving the door open and the hall light on as he turned towards his bedroom.

He pushed the door open and slowly started pulling off his clothes.  Leaving only his boxers on as he lay next to Pam in bed.  He molded his body to hers, spooning up behind her, his hand sliding gently across her tummy.

"Are you..." Don't ask her if she's ok.  Don't make that mistake again.  "Do you need me to get you anything?"

She shook her head.  He'd known all along that she wasn't asleep.  She'd been up here...just lying here.  She hadn't slept all day. 

Her mind was probably full of things she'd yet to share with him. Thing he had a feeling she was keeping to herself for a reason; slowly using them to punish herself.

Things he'd spend weeks trying to debunk, hoping that someday she'd begin to believe him.

He kissed her neck, her jaw, her ear... "Hey...I love you."

She nodded silently. "I'm sorry I didn't come down...Did your mom wonder why you were picking Jill up early?"

"No...she was busy lecturing my brother on the phone about something....it was fine."

"Was that Brenda earlier?"

"Yeah...I told her not to worry about it.  I'll take your project in for you tomorrow if you want me to."

She reached up and he watched her smudge away tears.  Please just talk about it.

"I don't want us to go anywhere tomorrow...We can keep Jill here too."

That was a good start.  "Done.  Michael thinks we both have the flu...I told him if he could successfully keep Dwight from showing up here tomorrow I'd come over and play Rock Band with him."

"Thank you........."

The silence stretched on in the darkness.

"Did Jilly get to bed ok?"

"Yeah....she's fine...We had Macanese and Tots...it was a good carb night."

Pam turned her head and reached for his face then, pulling him down to her lips. "I love you."

"C'mere," he said and she turned completely towards him, her arm sliding beneath his, their legs tangling.  His hands were in her hair and his lips on her forehead, when she started to lose it again. 

Through her sobs he could make out that she'd been planning on starting to tell people next week but that there'd been something in the back of her mind...just something that told her to maybe wait just a little bit longer.  She'd been bursting at the seams to tell her parents, but hadn't done it...Maybe she'd jinxed things by not telling anyone. Maybe that was it.

They'd been so careful around Jill, not wanting her to spill the beans...

She said all of this in some kind of bizarre, convoluted attempt at explaining how their unborn child may have been offended.

"There's nothing we could've done...Hey...Bees, look at me. There's absolutely nothing that you or I could've done," he said pulling back to look at her face.  "Ok?"

He'd have to convince her to call her mom and tell her everything.  How the fuck did someone go about having that conversation?

Oh by the way...we were ridiculously happy for a few weeks...but then...Hell, maybe we were too happy...

So maybe he had some irrational demons of his own to fight off.

As they held each other he thought about things to be done.  They were on the schedule for a home visit from the camera crew next week.  They'd mentioned "trying" a few months back.  They'd ask questions.  They always asked about that...