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I don’t love you.

It’s hard to say exactly when I decided that. It was around the time you made it obvious you didn’t want me. Or, it’s revenge because I know you want me now. Now, that I’ve moved on. It figures out that I can live without you. I don’t need you there with me to feel whole. There’s the world, there’s my life and most importantly there’s my future, and it doesn’t need you.  Not anymore.

I don’t think about you.

From the time I wake up till the time I roll over to go to sleep, you don’t wander through my mind. There are other things to occupy my mind. A fleeting memory of someone I once knew but can’t place with a name is as much of a cameo you make in my mind these days. You're as important to me as the girl who sat behind me and to the left in 10th grade Biology. Yogurt is just Yogurt, and alliances are just things you see on bad reality TV. Jinx is for elementary school.

You are the receptionist.

You direct my calls. Take down my messages and make sure that I get them. You fax my contracts and tell me where the extra blue ball point pens with the clicky tops are. I pass you every day as I come in and don’t spare a glance in your direction. I leave with a quick goodnight with all the politeness I learned when I was in kindergarten.

You’re forgettable.

I’m not cruel by nature. I would never voice such thoughts, but your face is one in a million. Simply lost in a sea of thousands I’ve seen before in my life. Rather plain girl in dreary clothes that don’t make you any more special than any other receptionist who has a phone permanently attached to her ear and always behind a desk. Nothing special to look at, nothing to tempt me, or even put the idea in my head.

I didn’t want to come back. But I did.

I was always to taught to get back on the horse. So I did.

They want you to believe the love is all you need. If only.

I wasn’t prepared to lose my job. I had to do what I could to survive. Take the promotion and deal with the consequences of moving back as they come.  She was there before I knew I’d have to even think about Scranton again. There was no reason I shouldn’t try to move on, Karen is beautiful and funny and most importantly interested in me. Rebound was something she is not. I want this to work.  Honesty is a big factor in a relationship; I’ve learned that from my interpretation of our relationship.

I set goals for myself.  Those are listed above. Someday I hope to believe any one of those statements for myself.  I slip up occasionally but I’m holding steadfast.  We can’t go back to the way things used to be. I can’t be the guy I was a year ago, I have a career, goals to achieve, responsibilities, and a serious relationship.  Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love. Or what I thought love was.