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Author's Chapter Notes:

The First Time. And we ain't talkin' sex here people.  

The Song belongs to Storm Large.

The office doesn't belong to me. Don't sue me. Suing's bad for business.

You are killing me, I see you and I hear your voice but I have never tasted you.

Work was a place that held so much pain and so much pleasure in the walls that it hurt to walk through the door. But she would force herself through the door every day. The promise of him hanging in the air. The hope that if today was a good day, he might give her one of his looks. The look that told her the ring on her finger didn’t matter. He would go on loving her regardless. Every day she longed for that look. Every day she pray that she would have the courage to see that look dead on instead of out of the corner of her eye. Every day she would think ‘ today is the day I face him.’ She never did.

When she walked through the door that Monday morning. The Monday morning after that Friday night. She knew he was gone. This desk was clear and there was a small note resting on the her keyboard. It was simple, it was tear stained, it was Jim. " I can’t either." She knew what it meant. She was no longer his. He wouldn’t watch her be given to someone else. It was then she realized that she didn’t want to be given away. Not to Roy. Ten years of him would become a wash. Ten years ended after one night. That night it had ended the only way it could. With a quiet nod and no one fighting for her. It was then she knew she would never get to face him. Her heart broke a little more.

Lying awake she would imagine what he would taste like. Hard and heavy on her tongue. She would imagine the taste of him would linger until well into the next morning. She would hear his sleep laden voice. She would see the look. And she would face him.

Lord I am burning away. Please rain all over me.

Lying awake Jim would think of her wetness. He would feel the tears of joy landing gracefully on his neck. He would feel the soft glide of her as he touched her in a way he had only ever dreamed of. He would feel the water sliding over both of them the next morning. He would taste himself on her and she would taste herself of him. They would be lovers. Lying awake in Stamford he was overcome with a wetness of a different kind. This kind would slide from him as he pictured her face behind his eyes. This kind would get lost in the hair at his temples. This kind would remind him that imagining was all he was ever going to get.

Please understand that my eyes may linger. When I'm holding your hands, I'm only thinking of your fingers.

The first time she held his hand was the first time she was ever aware of his fingers. She was hanging a banner for one of Michael’s inane parties. It was four weeks into what was to become the next three years of her life and she was already in love. He was watching her. She could feel him. She knew that if she looked she would see concern and lust in his eyes. She didn’t look. Which is why when she felt a strong hand on the small of her back she couldn’t help but jump a bit. Ready for a fight, she looked over her shoulder. All she saw was a smile and an outstretched hand. His fingers were warm, long and thick. Thick in a way that was entirely different from Roy. She didn’t think Jim’s fingers would leave think fingerprints on her arms. She didn’t think Jim’s fingers would force themselves inside her in a way that made her sore for days. Jim would be gentle. Jim would be slow. Jim would be smiling.

Lord I am burning away. Please rain all over me.

When Jim turned twelve his mother had the talk with him. She told him about love and sex and protection. When Jim turned sixteen his father had another talk with him. Jim tried to tell him he had heard it all years ago. His father assured him he hadn’t. After his father left he was struck by the fact his father thought this was all something he needed to be told, to learn. His father thought he was being rough, being careless. His father talked to him about foreplay, listening to what her body was saying to you, starting slow, being gentle, taking no for an answer and holding her after.

Jim had only just started using the information his mother had given him four years prior. But he had always been careful. Always gentle until they told him otherwise. When he told his father that he didn’t know any other way. All he saw was a soft smile and the softest whisper of ‘that’s my boy’. Truth was Jim really didn’t know there was another way to be. When he was twenty-eight he still didn’t know of another way. But when he met Roy and saw the way he touched Pam. How he grabbed her. He knew that Roy was well acquainted with another way.

But I don't know if it is true. But I've dreamed of a future. And I've seen myself with you. And I've seen myself with you. When we're alone.

When she first saw Jim, she saw a house with a terrace. When she first heard his voice, she heard him saying I do. When see looked at him looking at her ring, she let herself think for a moment that the ring was his. The last time he would look at it he couldn’t let himself pretend anymore. The last time she looked at the ring, she couldn’t either.

I'm holding you now. My face is surrounded by you. Please don't, don't wake me.

They would dream. Both would imagine each other. Both would love the other. Each would think they weren’t good enough. Each thought the other could do better. But in the dreams both were worthy. Both were good enough. Both were loved.

But I don't know if it is true. But I've dreamed of a future. And I've seen myself with you. And we're alone.

The first time Jim saw her he saw Christmas at the Halpert’s. The first time he heard her voice he heard her saying they were adding another member to that Christmas. When he saw her ring for the first time, he imagined it was his. He imagined that hiding behind her desk was a small bump and that was his too. When she walked to the break room later that day, he saw she didn’t have a bump and it wasn’t his. He couldn’t pretend anymore.

 

Please rain all over ... me. Cause you are beautiful.

They needed each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Pam, I need to see you. Can I come over?"


A tear soaked please reached him as he was reaching the door. He whispered he would be there soon. He heard her breathy laugh and her whispered relief. He was smiling as he hung up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Forty minutes and fifty two seconds.

That’s how long she’d been waiting. Sitting perched on the edge of her couch, running an anxious hand through her hair.

Forty one minutes.

That’s how long it was before a ringing startles her out of her pity party. It’s Jim’s cell and for a moment she thinks about not answering. She presses talk anyway and waits.

"Where do you live?"

"What?"

"I don’t know where you live. I was headed to see you and suddenly I was on the other side of town sitting in front of Roy’s house. I drove around awhile looking for your car until I realized I didn’t know that either."

He heard her shocked little giggle.

"So where do you live?"

" 3204 Broad Street.’

" So ten blocks from my place?"

"Yep."

"I’ll be there in fifteen. And don’t get any funny ideas Beesley. We still got seven more songs to listen to."

 

They didn’t say another word. They didn’t hang up. The knock on the door shocked her. When she opened the door she saw the look she wanted to see every day for four years. And for the first time, She faced him.

 

 

Chapter End Notes:
So Here's Chapter Five. I hope ya'll like it. If you do let me know. If you don't why not throw your two cents in too. Chapter six will come fast than five did. Scouts honour.

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