Pam never minded doing laundry.  She liked the quiet of it and how when she was done she felt like she truly accomplished something.  It was like a metaphor for life, she thought when she was feeling her most philosophical.  Sometimes during the course of washing your favorite things become even more comfortable and inviting.

Sometimes an errant red sock could ruin a whole load.

But mostly, these days, when she does laundry she thinks of one Saturday in particular.  The day when her life stopped spinning out of control and slowed to a delicate tumble.

xoxoxo

She sat on a bench along the wall, leaning back against one of the machines, her knees bent, a sketchbook resting on her thighs.  She was wearing her typical laundry-day uniform, faded yoga pants and an oversized sweatshirt, one of three versions of the same outfit she rotated for just this occasion.

She had about six loads to do today.  She'd slacked a bit since getting back together with Roy.  She'd been reluctant to bring her things over to his house, thinking that he'd get the wrong idea.  She had been afraid he'd think she was halfway to moving back in.

Now, after last night, she was thankful she hadn't let it get that far.

Pam tried in vain to sketch but simply couldn't concentrate.  The Laundromat always had such an eclectic cast of characters.  There was a woman wrestling two toddlers as she tried to finish her wash, an elderly woman who came every week with her granddaughter.  But today, nothing held her interest.  She kept going over her conversation with Roy again and again in her mind.  How was it that Jim could tell Karen everything and they were still happy?  How come the minute she opens her mouth she's nothing but miserable?

This was her worst nightmare.  It was bad enough breaking up with Roy the first time - but the way he'd created such a scene...

Actually, her worst nightmare was something else.  She thought wearily.  It was exactly the life she was living now. 

She was so wrapped up in her thoughts she didn't even see him come in.

"Hey!"  Jim called out as he made his way over towards her.

"Oh.  Hi."  She replied giving him a small half smile.  She sat up and swung her feet off the bench.  He was the very last person she expected, or wanted, to see.  Especially today.

He looked a little lost, and more than a bit uncomfortable.  Still he managed to smile back as he replied. "Wow.  Now I know why I do my laundry at home.  Pretty crowded huh?"

"Yeah you better claim a washer quick."  She pointed to an empty one two down from the ones she was using.   "I think that's the last one left."

"Thanks Beesly."  He made his way over, placing his laundry bag down on the top of the machine with a clunk.  "I started this morning and my washer broke.  I wanted to get it done early so I could enjoy the rest of the day."

"No problem..." She said softly.  Pam wondered, briefly, why he didn't just do laundry at Karen's but maybe her place didn't have a laundry room either.  Actually, she thought it was more likely that Karen sent her wash out.  Judging from all the suits she wore she probably had more dry cleaning than actual laundry anyway.  

As she watched Jim open the bag and begin to sort through, she noticed he took out a jug of detergent and a box of dryer sheets.

"Oh.  You switched to sheets?"  She heard herself say.  Nice. She thought, immediately mortified.  Pathetic much, Pam?

"What?"  He looked at her visibly confused by her question.

"I just thought you used liquid fabric softener."  Oh my God are you still talking???

"You did?  How did you even know...?"  He gazed at her before trailing off, realization washing over his features, something that strangely looked like guilt filling his eyes.  "Oh."  He said softly.   "Just trying something different I guess."

"Yeah."  Pam mumbled under her breath.  "Something different."

She was roused from her memories by the sound of his voice. 

"What about you?"

"Oh.  I'm here every Saturday.  There's no laundry room in my new place."

Jim closed the lid on the washer and moved to sit beside her.  "Yeah - but Roy's got a washer and dryer doesn't he?"

"So what?"  She said defensively.

He shrugged.  "I just thought now that you're together again..."

"We're not."  A buzzer sounded, signalling that her first two loads of laundry were ready for the dryer.  She stood and walked to the machine, punching the knob with a little more force than was necessary.

"What?"

"We're not together again."  She repeated.

If she'd turned to see his face she would have seen his genuine surprise.  "Oh.  I'm sorry."

"I'm not."  She shrugged, her back still turned.

There was a long pause.  "Are you OK?  Do you want to talk about it?"

Say it now.  Say it now while no one is here to stop you.  Say it now, Pam.  Say. It.  NOW.

She took a deep breath and turned to face him.  "It's really nothing.  It's just...I was trying to be honest with him - and it backfired."

"Backfired how?"

The look she gave him said, 'You really sure you want to hear this?.  When he just stared at her she pressed on.  "I don't mean to stir up any trouble.  Trust me.  After Roy's spectacle at Poor Richard's I'm not looking for any more drama."

Jim's eyes widened considerably.  "There was drama?"

"More than you know."   Her voice was shaking and her complexion decidedly pale.

Worry creased his brow as he gazed at her.  "Pam.  What the hell happened last night? You're scaring me."

You should be scared.  If Roy didn't end up in jail he's probably waiting to kick your ass.  

It's what she wanted to say but instead she said.  "Look.  It's not important.  I don't want to make any trouble for you with Karen.  You seem like you're happy now."

"What do you mean?"  He asked, but truth be told he knew exactly what she was talking about.  It was so odd to finally be almost talking about what had been hanging between them for so long.  

"You really want to know?"  She took another steadying breath, picked at a stray thread on the hem of her sweatshirt.   She looked over at him and he nodded. 

"OK.  So...I finally told him."

It took a moment for Jim to find his voice.  "Told him what?" 

The words won't come easily.  "About us...that..."  She took another deep breath.  "I told him..."  She stood a few feet away, the quarters she held in her fist rattling.  "I told him that I kissed you - you know...that night..."

As she moved towards him the quarters slipped from her hand, scattered every which way - rolling under the machines and the bench, into far off corners that she couldn't even see.

"Shit."  She dropped to her knees to retrieve them.  He immediately moved to help her.

When he got close enough to see her face he could tell that she was crying.  "Pam..."

"I'm not going to have enough money to finish.  Damnit..."  She sniffled, her voice choked with tears. 

His hand covered hers trying to calm her.  "Pam.  It's OK.  I can lend you some money..."

"It's not about the money..."  She continued to scramble to pick up the loose change.   She tilted her face so that she could meet his eyes.  They were so close she could feel his breath on her skin.  For a second it was just like...before.  Her gaze shifted to his mouth and then back again.  Her heart pounded but she forced herself to stay still.

It was too much - to be that close and not be...closer.  So, she blinked first, averted her eyes, and made an attempt to crawl towards the bench to grab yet another quarter.  When she tried she found she couldn't move, his hand still covered her own.

"Pam."  His voice was a whisper.  Her phrasing was not lost on him.  "I told him I kissed you..." she'd said, not the other way around. 

And because that's what she'd said he reached up and brushed a hand over her cheek.

She jumped when he touched her, rising up and sitting back on her heels.  It was only a moment before she heard his voice again.  "What did you tell him exactly?"

It doesn't matter now.  She realized.  Nothing matters anymore.  Just say it already so you both can move on. 

"I told him..." She kept her eyes trained to the floor, her voice barely audible among the din of the dryers.  "I told him I kissed you.  That we kissed.  That you told me you had feelings for me and that I had them for you and he went crazy.  He started throwing things and made a scene in front of everyone."

"Are you OK?"  He kept his hand on her cheek, tried to make her meet his eyes.  Her choice of words continued to amaze him.  "...you had feelings for me and I had them for you..."

"No.  Yes.  I'm fine."  She replied.

"Pam."  He knew for sure that was the furthest thing from the truth.

"I'm not fine.  I'm..."  She inhaled sharply.  "I'm sorry.  You don't want to hear this."   She stood up quickly and brushed the dust off her knees.

"You're not getting out of this so easy."  He warned her.

"So wait.  You were with Jan and Michael last night - right?   How was the party?"  She tried desperately to change the subject. 

He won't have it.  "Stop.  Don't try and pretend you didn't just say more to me than you've said in half a year."

The accusation in his tone didn't sit well.  "Don't try and pretend that you actually care what I have to say."  She spat back.

"What are you talking about?  Of course I care."

She shook her head at him, moved to take her damp clothes out of the machine.  He tried not to focus on the bits of silk and lace he saw dangling between her fingers as she tossed the clothes in the dryer, slipped the quarters through the slot and slammed the door shut.

"Why don't you just go talk to Karen?  Tell her you saw me today doing my laundry and that it wasn't a big deal.  It was just laundry...with dryer sheets now of course because you've evolved past the kind of fabric softener with the cuddly teddy bear on the label..."

He looked at her as if she'd lost her mind.  "You're not making any sense."

She was angry, hurt and confused all rolled into one.  She didn't realize what she was saying anymore and she didn't care.  "I told Roy I kissed you and he went ballistic.  I told him because I thought he'd changed.  I told him because I'd begun to think that maybe I made the wrong decision back then.  Because you left before I even realized what I wanted and when you came back I thought maybe it all hadn't really happened the way I remembered anyway.  I told Roy because you told Karen and it didn't seem to slow you two down any.  I told him because I was trying to move on."

How did she know what he told Karen?  Karen must have said something to her.   Shit.  He could also see that they were now causing quite a stir in the Laundromat.  He wanted her to keep talking so he did his best to keep his voice low.  "OK.  Pam..."

"Why can't I just do it?"  Her voice broke a bit as she made her way back to the bench.  "How did you do it?"

"OK.  OK.  Hold on a second..."  He said softly as he moved to sit beside her.  "Let's just sit here for a second because that?  That was a lot of information right there."

It would be so much better if he'd leave.  Why won't he leave?  If he'd just leave she thought maybe she could breathe again.

She decided it couldn't hurt to make a suggestion.  "Why don't you go?"  She said, wiping the tears from her eyes.  "I'll finish your laundry for you - bring it in on Monday..."

"Pam.  You are not doing my laundry and I am not going anywhere."  He wanted to take her hand in his but hers were balled in fists at her sides.  "OK.  Let's take this slowly.   You broke up with Roy..."

"Yes."  She nodded.  She couldn't believe he was making her do this.  In the Laundromat of all places.

"Again?"

"Yes.  Again."

"Because you told him about what happened with us..."

"Exactly."

He looked at her quizzically.  "What did you tell him the first time?"

She stared at her lap.  "There was a lot wrong with Roy and me."  She took another deep breath.  "I figured that out pretty quickly after..."

"After what?"

"After you left me."  She whispered.  Her stomach was mimicking her clothes in the dryer - turning around and around, upside down, again and again.

After you left me.  Jim felt as if a knife was buried deep in his chest.  "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why?"  She finally looked at him again, her cheeks flushed, her eyes shiny.  "I thought you hated me."

"Pam."

"I did.  Until that day we talked on the phone I was sure of it."

"I never hated you."

"Maybe not.  But you forgot about me."

"Not that either."  He promised her, his eyes never leaving hers.

"C'mon Jim..." She suddenly felt completely exhausted, like she'd run a marathon.  How did this happen?  It was Saturday, she was just trying to do her laundry for chissakes. 

"You came back with her..."

"Actually, she came back with me."  He said pointedly.

"I don't see a difference."  Pam replied.

He held her gaze, never wavering.  "Well there's a big difference. You'll have to take my word for it."

As they sat, side-by-side, silence fell again.  It hung between them until Jim finally spoke.

"Last night, she was trying to make me jealous." 

"What?"

"She kept pointing out guys at the party, telling me she dated them.  Some were married, some were just...well...not nearly her type..."

"Are you sure she was joking?"  Pam asked, trying desperately to keep the hope from creeping in to her voice.

"That's not really the point.  I wasn't jealous.  Even before I was convinced it wasn't true it didn't really bother me."

"Oh..."  She didn't quite know what to make of that.

His voice lowered dangerously.  "But all Roy had to do was say your name and I'd want to beat the crap out of him."

Pam laughed nervously, afraid to even hope what he'd just said was true.  "You may get your chance to try.  I'm sure he's going to make a point to say something."

"I can handle myself."  He reached over and took her hand, unfolded it in his own. He linked his fingers with hers and then held tight. 

"Pam."  The way he said her name was filled with promise.

It was a promise she couldn't quite believe. 

"You're still with her."  It was a statement, not a question.

"Yeah.  I am."  He whispered, running his thumb lightly across her palm.  "But that could change if I knew you really wanted it to."

"It's not her fault..."

"No.  It's mine and I'm not proud of it."  He said softly.

"What are you saying to me?"  She implored him, her eyes swimming with tears.

The words she wanted most to hear were on the tip of his tongue but he couldn't make himself say them.  Not this time.  

Instead he tried to keep his voice steady as he asked.  "What are you saying to me?"

There were a million things she wanted to tell him, but she started with the most simple, because it was also the most true.  She leaned forward and curled her arms around him.

"God...I've missed you." 

He pulled her close, breathed her in.  "I've missed you too."

"And...oh yeah.  I forgot.  There's something else..." She eased back slightly, smiled as she sought his mouth with hers.   "I'm pretty sure I love you..."

He chuckled against her lips as he let out the breath he'd been holding.  "I love you too..."

xoxoxo

And so in the end all it took was a broken washer, some loose change and circumstance to bring them together.  Sometimes the simplest things bring the most substantial results.

Pam is lost in the memory, the freshly laundered bed sheet she holds in her hands dragging on the floor.  She doesn't even hear his footsteps on the basement stairs.

"Help you with that?"  Jim asks with a grin as he picks up the other end of the sheet, bringing his hands up to meet hers, leaning close to steal a kiss.  They repeat the process two or three more times and then both make quick work of folding the rest of the laundry. 

"Thank you."  She smiles as she watches him throw the last of the dirty clothes into the washing machine.  Her smile widens as he pours a capful of detergent and then another of fabric softener.

"Never did like those dryer sheets."  He whispers in her ear as he pulls her close.

"Me neither."  She agrees as she takes his hands and leads him upstairs.