"Pam?"

            She turns around, and smiles a little uncertainly.  The elated, post-coal walk giddiness seems to have lessened considerably on the bus ride back, and now she seems a little nervous about his reaction.

            He knows Karen's behind them; he'd slipped off the bus before her, but he knew she was just pretending to sleep.

            "Um..."  Both speeches he'd prepared on the ride get stuck in his throat: the angry speech that told her she'd had no right to say those things in front of everyone, had no right to try to make him feel like a bad person, and the apologetic speech where he told her how right she was, how shitty of a friend he'd been, how he misses her too, and how proud he is that she was honest in front of everyone. 

            Because he isn't sure which one to use (he's suddenly forgotten the beginning of both), and because Pam's looking expectantly at him, Jim shuffles his feet for a moment, then blurts out, "When you were doing the coal walk...you missed, um....I told people I'm...I'm interviewing for the corporate job Michael's going for.  In New York."

            A heavy silence prevails for a moment.  Then, "Oh."

            Her tone is carefully neutral, but maybe he's glad it's late, because in the darkness of the parking lot, he can't read her expression without actually trying.

            "So, um..."  This time her voice is shaking a little.  "So you're leaving?"  The last word of her sentence hangs unspoken in the air between them: again?

            "Well, I'm just, um...I'm just interviewing."

            "For corporate?"  And this time, her voice is disbelieving; almost angry.

            "Yes."

            She pauses, as though waiting for him to say more, to express regret, or even try to explain this sudden desire for a power career.  When he doesn't, she asks, "That's what you want?" She takes his silence as an answer, and quietly, fiercely whispers, "Okay.", before turning around and walking to her car without another word.

            Jim stares after her, feeling extremely mean for taking it away from her; that moment by the fire...though a part of him is still angry she'd done it there, in front of Karen and everyone else, he knows what that is for Pam.  How big of a risk. 

            And he basically just told her that all that stuff about missing him...it didn't matter.  Because it was very possible he was going to leave again.

            He basically just pretended he hadn't loved her for every word of that.             

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

"Why do you want this job?"

            He blinks.  "Um...sorry?"

            Jan glances at David Wallace, who simply smiles patiently at him.  "You called us up, requesting the interview.  Why do you want this job?"

            He stares at them, feeling extremely unintelligent in his silence.  He had answers prepared for the other questions they'd already asked: why he'd be good at it, what he could bring to the position...but suddenly, his mind is blank.

            "Um..."

            Pam's voice floats back to him. 

            For corporate?

            The disbelief in her voice hits him hard.  He'd never been one to aspire for the top of the corporate ladder.  He's pretty sure he was happiest as the ninth place salesman, no guilt about playing pranks on Dwight, not at all attached to his job, not too concerned about his numbers. 

            It's her voice again, this time from the beach day.

            But the truth is I didn't care about any of those reasons until I met you.

I really missed you.

"Jim?"

That's what you want?

"I...I don't." 

            "Excuse me?"  David Wallace sounds completely taken aback.

            He glances up from his hands, which he'd been thumping absently on the table, and faces the group of executives seated across it, almost startled.  He hadn't meant to speak out loud.

            Looking completely bewildered, David repeats, "Did you say...you don't want this job?"

            Or maybe he had.

            Hesitating only briefly, Jim affirms it.  "No."

            David leans back in his seat, rubbing a hand tiredly over his face.  Struggling with a calm tone, he snaps, "It would have been helpful, Jim, if you had known this before we'd agreed to interview."

            "Yes, sir...I'm very sorry it's just-"

            "Because to be honest with you, after Michael's fiasco of an interview this morning-"  At this, he throws a sideways look at Jan, who reddens slightly.  Jim almost grins simply at the thought of what Michael's interview could have been.  "-we were prepared to offer you the position."

            Jim met the other man's eyes, his tone apologetic but firm.  "Thank you, it's...I'm flattered and everything.  I'm also really sorry.  I know it's an inconvenience, I know it's...but I don't want the position."

            David sighs in irritation, but Jan is studying Jim, her eyes confused but not angry.  "Do you...do you mind if we ask why?"

            "To be honest, I doubt I'll be able to explain it...I just think I've been deluding myself with what it is I actually want.  This job, moving to New York, focusing so much on career...that's just part of the delusion."

            Jan nods a little, almost as if she understands.  "That's fair, then."  She stands, and so does David.  She shakes Jim's hand and wishes him good luck.  David's handshake is half-hearted, and he mumbles something indistinct under his breath.

            "Sorry, again."  Jim offers as he heads towards the door.

            Jan waves it off.  "Don't worry about it.  Send Karen in, will you, Jim?"

            Karen's waiting for him outside the office.  She springs to her feet, her expression questioning.  "So?  How'd it go?"

            He makes a noncommittal noise and shrugs.  "Okay, I guess.  Apparently Michael completely screwed up this morning, though."

            She grins.  "Better for us, right?"  He forces a smile back, and she rubs his arm sympathetically.  "Oh, come on, it went better than you think, I bet."

            "Oh, no, it was fine.  Good."  He smiles again.  "They're ready for you."

            "Oh, okay."  She takes a steadying breath.

            "Good luck."

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

            When she comes out of the office nearly an hour later, Karen's face is twisted and she's stares at him, unsmiling.

            He winces.  "That bad, huh?"

            "No..."  Her voice is flat.  "They offered me the job."

            "And...you're really pissed about it?"  He jokes, already beginning to dread what's coming.

            Karen folds her arms, glaring at him.  "Why did you tell them you didn't want the job?"

            "Oh, that."

            "Yeah, that.  What, were you trying to eliminate yourself from the competition so I could get it easier?"

            "What?"  Jesus, that thought hadn't even occurred to him.  "No!  It had nothing to do with you, or whether I thought you could get the job."

            Somehow, this only deepens her frown.

            Bewildered, Jim says, "What?  Did you want it to be about you?  Did you want to think I threw the interview because I thought you couldn't get it on your own?"

            "No, but I knew I would have preferred that than the other reason I thought of."

            "Which is?"

            "Her!  Pam!  It was because of what she said last week, right?"

            Guilt overtaking him, Jim can feel the heat rise to his cheeks.  "No, it's about me, and it's about the person I want to turn into!  It's about what I want!  God, why do you always have to make everything about Pam?"

            "Maybe because it always is!"  Tears are gathering in her eyes, and by now Jim's had enough fights with Karen to know that she only cries when she's angry.

            "Look what...what is the big deal?"

            "Because I got the job Jim!"

            "Yeah, you said that.  I thought that's what you wanted."

            She stares at him as if he's a complete idiot.  "So what are you planning to do?  What about us?"

            Jim sighs loudly and leans against the wall.  "I don't know!  We never talked about it.  Is this surprising to you?"  Speaking very slowly, he reminds her.  "I thought you understood that if we both interviewed for the job, only one of us would get it."

            "Don't patronize me, Jim.", she practically growls at him.  "I know that!  But I assumed that if one of us got it, the other one would look for some other position in New York!  Even if it was just at the Albany branch or something-"

            "What?"  Startled, Jim can only gape at her.  "Why would you assume that?" 

            "I don't know!"  There's a catch in her voice now, and she rubs one hand over her face, trying to calm down.  "So what am I supposed to do?"

            "Well...what did you tell them?"

            "I said I'd let them know this week."  Her eyes meet his.  "But I was all set to take it until I heard what you did."

            "Look...what I told them was for me.  I wasn't trying to keep you back.  I know how much you want this job, so...I think you should take it."

            Karen's dark eyes fill instantly with deep hurt; she looks as if Jim just slapped her in the face.  He groans inwardly, and quickly says, "I didn't mean...God, Karen, I don't know what you want me to say right now!"

            She looks away from him, quickly brushes the bottom of her eye with the back of her right thumb.  When she speaks, it's with a cold, detached voice.  "Let's just go, okay?"

            He nods at her back, and follows her helplessly to the car.

            The car ride is silent for the first half hour, when Karen finally speaks, not turning her gaze from the window of the passenger's seat.  "Tell me again that it's not about her."

            He glances over, startled, and is quiet for a few moments. 

            Speaking slowly, he says, "I've never been the person who wants to strive for career moves, especially at this job.  It's not something I love, I don't...I don't want to get all that power.  I like a kind of informal, casual work environment.  That's just who I am.  I don't like having power over people.  I want to be the one making them laugh."  He looks at her again, wanting to know if she's understanding at all.

            "I just...I think I've been pretending to be this whole other person lately.  Going for this job is part of that.  I need to figure out what I want, not what I think I should be wanting."

            He pauses, waiting for her reply.  Karen just says, "You didn't answer my question."

            Jim grits his teeth, having to bite back a frustrated groan.  "Okay, it's not just about her.  There."

            "Just?"

            "Jesus, Karen...I'm sorry, but...part of what made me realize all that, how much I've changed...part of that was what Pam said."  Karen presses her lips together, and looks as if she might protest.  "She was my best friend, okay?  She knows me better than anybody-"  He misses the glare Karen throws him at that comment.  "-and I miss the guy I used to be when we were friends.  That doesn't have anything to do with you."

            She laughs, short and bitter.  "Oh, yeah, right.  Okay, Jim.  She only told the whole office she has feelings for you-"

            "She never said that." 

            She gives him a ‘don't-be-an-idiot' look.  "She said she called off her wedding because of you.  She said she never cared about any of the reasons not to marry Roy until she met you.  What do you think that means?"

            He stares ahead at the road for awhile; the thing is, he had convinced himself he'd misinterpreted.

            "Incredibly selfish of her to do it in front of everyone, especially me, but you know.  The whole thing was selfish, putting you on the spot like that, just because she felt good about doing that stupid coal walk.  She's selfish and manipulative.  Selfish."  She repeats the word for no apparent reason; it's almost like she's testing him.

            Jim's knuckles are white on the steering wheel, and before he can stop himself, he's stammering, "Don't...don't talk about her like that."

            "I was just-"

            The volume of his voice jumping all over the place, he interrupts, "Just don't, okay?  She's not like that, and you know it.  She was the first person besides me in this place to try to include you in stuff, be nice to you.  How selfish is that?  She's the one who talked to me when we had that fight about the apartment lease.  Sound manipulative to you?!"

            "Don't yell at me!"

            He falls silent, glaring at the highway stretched ahead of them, and Karen resumes staring out the window.

            After awhile, she speaks up, her voice a little guilty.  "Jim, look, I just...I don't know what to do here.  I really wanted this job.  But I don't want to lose you because of it."

            "Well, why do you have to lose me?  We could try long distance."  He grins a little.  "Like Jan and Michael."

            "They broke up", she informs him bluntly.

            "And I seriously doubt it had anything to do with the strain of distance."

            She still doesn't smile.  "So even if we try the long distance thing...that's still a big choice.  It's really hard, Jim."

            "That's what she said."  He replies automatically.  She gives him an annoyed look, and he's almost angry at her for not letting him lighten the mood.

            "I just need to know if it's worth the effort.  Or the sacrifice, depending on what I decide."

            "Honestly, Karen, I think that's something you have to figure out."

            "True, but...there's stuff you have to say, too."

            He nods.  "We can talk about it later, though, right?  I mean...you don't have to decide right now."

            "But-"  She stops herself.  "Yes, we can talk later."

            He wordlessly takes a burned CD from the CD case he keeps in the car and puts it in, so the music is the only sound for most of the drive.  He catches a couple of looks of distaste from Karen as the music plays, and he thinks again how different they are.

            He knows it shouldn't matter much, that she doesn't like his music.  Or that she's ambitious in her career.  Or that she has a low tolerance for pranks. 

            These are supposed to be little things.  Yet somehow they feel like the biggest things in the world, and they're piling up between the two of them, a gap growing, pushing them further and further away.

            When they're inside Scranton, he's heading to the office when Karen breaks the hour long silence.  "Where are you going?"

            "Work."

            She moans a little.  "Can you just take me home, please?"

            He glances at her out of the corner of his eyes.  "You're not going back?"

            "You are?  It's 3:45."

            "I told Michael I'd be there."

            She rolls her eyes, but doesn't say anything.

*  ~  *  ~  *  ~  *

            Soon, he's dropped her off and is heading to the office.  He's unprepared for the sudden quickening of his pulse, because he knows he's going to see Pam.  He's suddenly feeling very similar to how he felt on beach day, torn between emotions.  Part of his is unjustifiably angry at her for dragging him out of his delusion, for making him question himself.  The other part wants to thank her for it, to tell her how right she was, and maybe admit that he hasn't changed, not really.

            But the reception desk is empty when he walks in, and as he takes a seat, Dwight gives him a haughty look and says, "Well I suppose you think you're pretty special now."  Jim ignores him, and turns to Phyllis.

            "Hey, Phyllis.  Michael's back, right?"

            Phyllis smiles at him.  "Hi, Jim.  Yes, he got back about five minutes ago."  Jim smiles a little; Michael had left New York hours before he and Karen had.  "I guess I should congratulate you."  He gives her a blank look.  "Michael told us they were going to offer you the job."  It may be his imagination, but Phyllis doesn't look happy for him at all.

            "Oh, yeah...that actually isn't final yet..." He keeps his voice as vague as possible, his eyes darting back to Pam's desk.  "Is Pam not here?"

            Phyllis' look is a little too knowing, but her tone normal as she replies, "Yes, she's here.  She went out, though, to the stairwell, I think.  Just a minute ago."

            "Okay, thanks."

            For some reason, he doesn't want to wait.  He's still not sure exactly what he's going to say to her...except for telling her that he didn't take the job.

            He heads to the stairs and is relieved to see her sitting just halfway down, her back to him, her head down.  "Pam?  I need to talk to you."

            Her head lifts a little, but otherwise she doesn't respond.

            Jim moves down the stairs and sits next to her, and he's startled to see her eyes are red and tears are streaming down her cheeks.  "My God, what...what's wrong?"

            She shakes her head rapidly, trying to indicate it's nothing, but the effort is diminished seeing as she's started sobbing quietly.

            He doesn't even think; he wraps an arm around her, pulling her close to him, and to his surprise she doesn't pull back; instead, she presses her face against his shoulder, crying even harder.

            His hand slowly rubs circles in the middle of her back as he softly mutter what he hopes are soothing words.  He's never seen Pam like this; actually, that seems to be their trend for the past week.

            Finally, she draws back a little, her sobs subsiding slightly.  Jim cups her face in his hand, her skin hot and wet with the tears, and makes her look at him.  "What's wrong?"

            Her voice is choked, but she still manages to speak, "Michael...he said...he told us that they're offering you the job..."

            "That's...that's why you're crying?!"

            She takes his disbelief to mean something it doesn't, because she hurriedly adds, her eyes anguished, "I'm sorry...I know you probably think I don't have any right to feel like this...and I don't want to make you feel bad, I didn't know you were coming back, but...but I was just thinking about what it was like when you went to Stamford, and all that stuff I said the other night, and the stuff I haven't even told you yet..."

            His heart is pounding heavily, and as much as a small part of him wants to hear more, the bigger part can't stand to hurt her any longer, and just wants to stop the tears.

            "I didn't get it."  He says it quietly, but it's enough to get her attention.

            "What?"  She absently brushes at a few tears; it's useless, however, since they're still coming.  "No...Michael said they already planned to offer-"

            "Yeah, but I screwed up the interview."

            "H-how?"  Her voice is cautious, like she doesn't want to let herself believe it.

            He pretends to consider.  "Probably around the part where they asked why I wanted the job, and I told them I didn't."  He smiles gently at her, then reaches up, almost amazed at the boldness fueled by her earlier words, and brushes the tears away with his thumb.

            Pam stares at him for a second, then a huge smile comes over her face; she makes a noise that's like a half-laugh, half-sob.  "You're not leaving?"

            He grins.  "Nope.  I wouldn't do that again."  Then, his face becomes serious again.  "I've got too much to make up for.  You were right, I've been a shitty friend.  But now, we've got lots of time to make up for it, okay?"

            She nods, a fresh set of tears welling in her eyes at these words.  Then, before she can think twice about it, she leans forward, closing the already small space between them, and presses her lips against his.

            It's fairly short, and he can taste the tears that had made it all the way to her lips, but Jim doesn't care.  Because Pam started this...sober. And he's the one who breaks it, partly because he feels the slightest bit guilty, but also because he doesn't want her to have a chance to.

            Her face is flushed with embarrassment, but her eyes are smiling.  After a moment of silence, she stands.  "I should probably get back..."

            He nods a little numbly; with a cavalier disregard to a cliché, his entire body is literally tingling, his head is spinning, his heart pounding, etc.  Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he still knows things.  He knows he'll have to have a several long conversations with Karen to help her decided if the relationship is ‘worth it'.  He knows he'll have to explain many times why he didn't take the job.  He knows he'll have to eventually figure out how to return to the guy he used to be. 

            But right now, Pam kissed him.  And that's all he wants to think about.