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Jim's...Prayer?

Sometimes, God forgive me, I wish he had Down's Syndrome.  Then all anyone'd have to do is take one look at him and know what's different and why.  Maybe then they wouldn't stare at him and ask stupid, rude questions, or worse, ignore him completely.  They'd understand.

Yeah, you know what? I don't understand. He looks so normal!  How can he look so normal and not be able to get the words out to say what he wants?  How can he look so normal and be absolutely terrified of being with other people?  Why doesn't he want to be with me?  With his mom?  With his sister?  Why won't he speak to me other than that weird thing he does with his voice- those damn tics, that endless, blank-faced parroting of my worst jokes that are so not funny anymore?  I want to make him laugh and hear him answer my questions and teach him how to pull a prank and... God, I just want him to turn his head when I say his name.    Instead, I have a kid who wants nothing more than to line up his train cars and stare at spinning things and flap his hands in the air.  Who is this kid? 

God, I love him.

Forgive me, I wish he had Down's Syndrome.  I've seen those kids.  They run up to their moms and dads and throw their arms around them and tell them they love them.  He won't tell me he loves me.  Maybe he loves me, but he can't tell me.  I see Pam's face after she's tried to hold him sooo gently so he won't scream and hit her and try to get away.  I see her face after she says "I love you, Jess" and he never even looks up.  If I could take that look off of her face I would.  I can't.  I can't!  She's the love of my life and my best friend and I can't make this one better.

And Gracie... how do I make her understand something I don't get myself?  She just wants to play with her brother.  Will Jess ever see that her prettiest smile is for him? 

We were just supposed to be a happy family.  Pam and I finally got our timing right and got married and had kids and it's supposed to be happy, you know? 

I never thought I could feel better than the night we had our first date.  Then we made love and I thought that was the best thing that ever happened to me.  Then I found out that marrying her topped everything else.  And then I saw those babies come out of her and I actually stood there, all weak in my legs, and cried and thanked God.  Out loud!  I said "Thank you God!"  Over and over.  This guy!

Then the bottom dropped out.  We have this boy, and there's something really, really wrong.  What the hell am I gonna do?

Here's what I know:  I love Pam more than I ever did before.  I love my daughter.  I love my son.  He needs me.  They all need me, and I need them.  We are a family, and we are going to figure this out together.  Jess doesn't have Down's Syndrome.  He has autism.  He looks normal, but something in him is not.  Hey, what the hell is normal anyway?  Michael?  Dwight?...  Me? 

Here's what I can do:  I can find the books and the websites and the people and the doctors and the groups that can help us.  I can love my wife and my daughter and I can figure out how to love my son so he will get it.  I can decide not to be embarrassed by Jess when we're out in public.  I can overlook the stupid behavior of people who don't understand.  I can stop wishing for what is not.

And here's something else I can do.  I can pray.