“Why do you keep asking me that?”

“Asking you what, Michael?”

“If it matters whether or not people like me. That’s a stupid question.”

“Are you feeling defensive?”

“I’m not…defensive, I just…of course I want people to like me.”

“Is it more important that other people like you or that you like yourself?”

“I…I don‘t understand how…That‘s not…I don‘t understand the question.”

******************************************************************************************

Week 1:

“I want you to make a list for me.”

Michael’s eyes narrowed and he thought this already sounded bad. His mouth felt dry so he took a long drink from his bottle of water.

“Wha…a list? What kind of…like a grocery list?” he supplied helpfully. Dr. Perry smiled.

“Not exactly, Michael.” Her voice was low…calm…carefully unconcerned. It made Michael more nervous than not because it seemed to just point out how much of a bug under a microscope he was. She sounded like a doctor. He hated that.

“Not exactly?" he repeated dumbly, "So like…what are you…” he shifted in his seat.

“Really simple, just list for me the three things you like best about yourself. Three qualities,” she explained calmly. Michael’s lips were still pursed in confusion and he thought maybe sweat was starting to seep through his oxford shirt. Damn Jan and her stupid therapist.

“Three qualities that I like about myself?” he repeated incredulously, like that was the weirdest thing he’d ever heard in his life.

“Three qualities,” she confirmed with a half smile. He cleared his throat.

“Listen, Doc…uh…This is like…” he scrunched his brow as if to indicate that he thought the doctor had lost her marbles. She tipped her head.

“Is this difficult for you?” she asked quietly. He sighed.

“No, there are hundreds of things I could…say, I just don’t know how helpful it is for me to…just…make lists and seem arrogant on our first psych date…Maybe we should like...talk about our favorite kinds of food? Or um..." he swallowed, "Why don't you take a poll of my employees?! Let them tell you my three best qualities! That’s actually a really good idea. Do you want me to call someone and have them take like a survey?” he wondered anxiously, reaching to retrieve his phone from his jacket pocket with quick and fumbling fingers. "I can call Pam right now." Dr. Perry simply watched him, unfazed.

“That won’t be necessary, Michael. Just go ahead and tell me the three things you like best about yourself." He closed his phone and stared at her silently. "Would it help you if I listed three things I like about myself first?” she offered happily. He froze and watched her, his eyes wide partly with vague panic and partly with feigned disinterest.

“No,” he finally uttered, his voice small and unconvincing. She squinted.

“Yes, maybe that‘s a good idea,” she decided with a nod of her head. “I like,” she began, holding out her hands as if to offer her three things to him, “my honesty, my ability to understand others, and my sense of humor. I value those things very much and I think they make me the person that I am,” she told him, shifting the yellow pad of paper in her lap. She licked her lips. “Ok, now you, Michael.” He set his phone down on the cushion beside him and scratched at his brow lightly.

“Sense of humor, that’s a good one. I pick that as one of mine,” he muttered with a lazy tongue. She nodded and wrote something down on the pad of paper. He frowned. “Uh…I also like um…I have been told that I have a...good butt,” he informed her with a quirk of his eyebrows. He was able to hold a straight face for only a short while before a smile split his features and he chuckled heartily. Dr. Perry pursed her lips.

“A quality, Michael. Not a body part, although I’m glad you are able to appreciate your…I‘m glad you value that,” she told him awkwardly. He cleared his throat again and took another sip of water.

“Ok alright a quality, which apparently cannot be a body part,” he specified out of the side of his mouth, “I already used that I’m funny so that’s…um…Oh I got one, I got one, I am a fantastic boss. So that is a quality that I value,” he told her, smiling warmly and leaning forward a bit. She jotted down a note and smiled indulgently.

“Ok, I’ll accept that.”

“Ok!” he proclaimed triumphantly, “Ok so I have one more to do…that is what she said...” He tapped his fingers to an imaginary beat against his legs and thought hard…thought through the options and the non-options and thought about Jan and what she was doing at the moment. He was pretty sure it was something a lot less nerve-wracking than being picked apart by your girlfriend’s therapist who requested a meeting with you because she thinks you're one taco short of a Mexican restaurant. He sighed and glanced at his watch. Ten minutes had gone by since he’d first gotten there…sheesh it felt like an hour and a half. “One more…um…how about my…nnnope. That is…a body part…” he corrected, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “What about that I’m incorrigable? Jan calls me incorrigable and I think that she means that I’m like…brave, I think? Or…handsome or something. So, I pick that,” he decided firmly, pleased that he had successfully completed the list and hoping that meant he could finally leave to go have lunch with Jan.

“That isn’t really what…well, ok so your bravery, let’s just…we’ll call it that.” Dr. Perry eyed the notes she had made so far and added a few things here and there, and crossed some things out. Michael really…really wanted to see those notes. He sighed and shifted uncomfortably. She finally picked her head up and leveled him with her gaze in a way that only served to make him more nervous. She squinted slightly. “Michael, does it matter to you whether or not people like you?” she asked casually, lightly, in that tone she kept using. Michael tilted his head toward her in confusion.

“What?”

*****************************************

Week 2:

Her office was brighter than he remembered it being. The walls were creamy white and lamps were lit in all of the corners, making it seem almost homey. Almost. It wasn’t like he felt like he was in his condo or anything, and he knew that any second Dr. Perry was going to walk through the door and hand him a bottle of water…so that made the atmosphere and the plush tan couch beneath him a lot less comfortable than they should be. If it weren’t for Jan he would sooo not be here, he thought in irritation. The door opened.

Dr. Perry looked almost exactly the same as she had the week before. Brown bob and silver glasses and brown slacks topped by a caramel colored sweater. Michael liked that she wore sweaters. It was different from the way Jan wore sharply tailored suit jackets and tight-fitting blouses in harsh colors like black and gray. This was the second time he’d seen Dr. Perry, and both times she’d been wearing something softly feminine. Knitted wool. Worn cashmere. But then she started asking him bizarre questions and it sort of detracted from the attractiveness of her wardrobe. She handed him a bottle of water and sat down in the chair across from him.

“Hello Michael, how was your week?” she asked him calmly. He grinned at her and thought maybe he could try the ice breaker he'd been practicing...

“It was….shmokiiiin’” he drawled. There was an awkward pause as he waited for her to react the way that she should…laugh or nod in enthusiastic recognition. She simply watched him. He sighed. “The Mask?” he offered. She didn’t comment. “Jim Carrey, Cameron Diaz, and that little dog that…” he paused in irritated disbelief. “You can’t tell me you haven’t seen that movie.”

“I have an idea, Michael,” Dr. Perry interjected. Michael bustled a bit in his seat and crossed his arms.

“Let’s try to get through our sessions from now on without any jokes,” she suggested calmly…firmly. He coughed. Wow...He really hated this.

“No…what? Why?”

“No impressions, no voices, no innuendo. Leave them at the door and we’ll go ahead and talk without them,

deal?” she offered, smiling. He frowned at her and shook his head vehemently.

“Whaaat are you…why are you…acting like Toby?” he asked, his tone sounding genuinely confused and borderline insulted. She raised her eyebrows in interest.

“Who is Toby, Michael?” she asked calmly, her hand poised above her stupid notebook. Michael spoke directly to it as if it were an actual person.

“Toby is the devil. You can write that one down. So, you know…just…you should want to be the opposite of him,” he explained, nodding toward the notebook and watching in satisfaction as her hand began to move. “Yes. Good,” he told himself happily.

“Toby is someone you work with?” she asked carefully.

“No! No. Toby…works for Human Resources and he…rents…space from us so that he can sit at his desk in the dark corner and make evil…demands on us,” he told her, his voice sounding a little bit water logged and emphatic…strangely full of emotion. She stopped writing and looked at him.

“I see,” she muttered.

“No. I don’t think you do,” he promised her, sitting back and scratching at his forehead in irritation. She paused for a moment, assessing the situation, and finally sighed and set her pad of paper aside. He was sort of glad…even if it was some sort of important tool in this whole process, he didn’t care. He did not like her writing down comments about everything he said. At all. Finally she looked up at him, much like she had the week before and she squinted. He was starting to hate that look. She inhaled a deep breath.

“Tell me about the people you work with, Michael.”

*************************************

Notes on patient: Scott, Michael

Patient arrives on time and seems excessively nervous during the first fifteen to twenty minutes of the session. He exhibits pride when he completes the tasks he is given for the therapy.

Patient seems unable to speak honestly without using humor to protect himself, but has some surprising moments of clarity despite his glaringly apparent self-esteem issues. Patient seems overly preoccupied with popularity, his car, and sex. Has yet to discuss any romantic relationships.