COLD OPEN

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
Last night I was skimming channels and
I saw this show on one of the sports
channels… ah… about this guy on the…
uh… Bears… Lions… one of those teams.
It might’ve been the Bulls. Some animal,
I’m not sure which. Anyway, this guy…
um… can’t remember his name… um, he was
said to be the heart of his team. And I
said to myself “Yes. Yes! I AM the heart of
this office. The heart and… the guts…
The innards, if you will. The deep, uh,
intestines and… you know what? Let’s just
say the heart. It’s less disgusting.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
He said WHAT?
(shakes head)
No. No way is Michael the heart of this office.
Pam Beesly is DEFINITELY the heart of… well…
if this office even HAS a heart… it would
definitely be Pam. She is thoughtful and… and
caring and…(beat) And yes, I am biased.
(laughs)
But she’s still the heart. Hm. So maybe I would
be… well, this is… kinda egotistical… the
brains… maybe?
(shakes head)
And… Dwight… Dwight would be the… uh…
the blackened, smoke-filled lungs.
(nods)
And Michael? I don’t know. I’d have to
get back to you on that.

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION DESK

Jim is leaning over the reception counter, talking quietly with Pam. Michael comes out of his office and strolls over to them. Just then Jim says something low and Pam giggles.

MICHAEL
Whoa, hey, let’s save that pillow talk
for home, ok?
(smiles to camera)

Jim and Pam both deflate and look at Michael.

JIM
Hey… Michael.

MICHAEL
Boy, you two… The sex must be… wow!
(laughs, then looks at Pam)
Way better than Roy, huh?

Pam just stares stunned at Michael. Jim gives the camera a “I CANNOT believe him” look.

PAM
That’s not… something we should be
discussing, Michael.

MICHAEL
Oh… I’m sorry. Still some room
for improvement?
(looks at Jim)
Back to school, Yo-Jim-be!
Pleasin’ Beesly 101!

JIM
Are you… TRYING to make people sue this
company back to the stone age? Is that
what you want?

MICHAEL
(back on his heels)
Oh. I’m sorry! Just kidding! I didn’t, uh…
know it was… such a problem.
(whispers to Jim)
They have pills for that, Jim.
I’ll forward you the e-mails…

Michael shakes his head and goes back to his office. Pam and Jim stare at each other and Pam puts her head in her hands.

JIM
(looks at camera)
Which part is Michael?
DEFINITELY the ass.

PAM
What?

JIM
No, I was…
(laughs)
I’ll explain later…

END COLD OPEN


ACT ONE

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
Last night I, uh… wanted to show Jan one
of my favorite 80’s movies. Mannequin. Oh,
I love that movie. Andrew McCarthy was so
cute back then. And Kim Catrall… this was
back before she became a slut. Classic
movie. So I wanted to show it to Jan… and
I couldn’t find my DVD. I looked all over.
And then, I remembered. I lent it to Dwight,
like, two years ago. And he never gave it
back.(shakes head) I hate it when… people
keep your hard-earned stuff. So, today… I’m
getting it back. Uh… for myself, Jan had no
interest in it whatsoever.

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Michael is hanging around reception looking at his
watch. Pam looks at Jim, puzzled, but Jim shrugs.
Dwight enters the office hurriedly, looking a bit
disheveled and flustered.

MICHAEL
Dwight, Dwight, Dwight, my main man…
(looks at watch)
Wow, you’re actually late.

DWIGHT(embarrassed)
I know… and I sincerely apologize,
Michael. I won’t make a habit of it…
like Jim does.

Jim shakes head.

DWIGHT(continued)
I… overslept. I’ve… been having
trouble falling asleep… lately.

Dwight glances at Angela who looks back to her monitor. Jim and Pam share a sad look.

MICHAEL
You know what, Dwight? I hear they’re
DEFINITELY making a movie out of “The Hobbit”.
So… you don’t have to stay up late worrying
about it.  

Michael looks at the camera and laughs. He looks around but gets no response.

      MICHAEL
     Ok… Um… speaking of movies… do you remember
     like two years ago… I uh… lent you Mannequin?

DWIGHT
Mannequin? You mean like… a sex
doll? You have a sex doll?

MICHAEL
No, no… it’s… not a doll. It’s a
movie. I lent you the DVD.

DWIGHT
(confused)
You loaned me a DVD about a sex doll?

MICHAEL
(annoyed)
Dwight, it’s not about a doll! It’s
a classic ‘80’s movie. I brought it
in for you and you never gave it back.
I want it back.

DWIGHT
I’m sorry… but I’m pretty sure I don’t
have… wait. Is Don “The Dragon” Wilson
in this movie? Does someone get killed
with a belt sander?

MICHAEL
What? No… it’s a comedy.

DWIGHT
(shaking head)
No… I don’t usually watch comedies.
You can’t learn how to kill a man
by watching a comedy.

JIM
What about 48 Hours?

PAM
Or the Rush Hour movies?

DWIGHT
Hm. I suppose those are exceptions…
Ok. 48 Hours, Rush Hour and Cape Fear.
DeNiro is hilarious in that, I must
admit. That’s the hardest I’ve ever
laughed in a movie theater.

JIM
Um… I’m… pretty sure Cape Fear is not
a comedy, Dwight.

DWIGHT
It’s not? Oh… well… that… explains the
staring then…

There is a pause from everyone.

MICHAEL
Ok… um… I could’ve sworn I lent that to
you. If it wasn’t you then who… Jim.
Did I lend…?

JIM
Uh… no.

MICHAEL
A little defensive there, Jimbo.
Got something to hide?

JIM
What?

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
That… is how you rattle a suspect. I’ve
seen David Caruso do this on CSI… um…
Miami. New York. One of those. Anyway,
you, um… you get in their heads. And keep
them on their toes. Head. Toes. The… ana-
tomy of suspect rattling.

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Michael is leaning on the reception desk staring
at Pam. He is now wearing sunglasses. Pam tries
to focus on her monitor but finally looks up at
Michael.

PAM
Michael… what… what’s with the sunglasses?

MICHAEL
(speaking slowly)
Pam… You need to understand. Someone in
this very room… or… well… in the annex…
or… well, it could be the warehouse, too…
anyway, someone we know could very well be…
(takes glasses off dramatically)
a murderer.

PAM
A murderer?

MICHAEL
Ah… not murderer. Thief. Sorry.

PAM
Michael, I don’t think anyone…

     MICHAEL
     (putting glasses on slowly,
still talking slowly)
Tell me something… Pam. Did you borrow
…my Mannequin DVD? Tell me… the truth.

PAM
Um… No. I’m sorry Michael, I don’t have
your DVD. It’s a… cute movie but I didn’t
borrow it. Sorry.

MICHAEL
(nodding)
I… believe you.(beat) But… don’t leave
town… ok?

PAM
Uh… huh.

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM
Yeah, I’ve seen Mannequin. A bunch of times.
It seemed like they showed that movie once
a month on Channel 15 when I was growing up.
But for a shy, 14 year old girl that was in
love with Andrew McCarthy’s hair to adore that
movie is one thing. For a 40-something office
Manager- MALE office manager - to own it… is…
a little scary. (beat) And why is Michael
pretending to be McGarrett from Hawaii Five-O?

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Jim is leaning over the reception desk, listening to Pam.

PAM
So, of course the guy is like “Wow, this
is crazy!”, so he…

JIM
Wait, wait, wait… the mannequin comes to
life? Oh boy… Who’s in this movie, anyway?

PAM
Um… Andrew McCarthy…

JIM
Yikes.

PAM
Kim Catrall…

JIM
Double yikes.

PAM
Um… Oh, yeah, James Spader is in it.

JIM
James Spader? Must’ve been hungry that
week. He must play a complete ass.

PAM
Why?

JIM
‘Cause James Spader plays an ass in every
movie he’s in. I don’t know what it is.
You always want to punch James Spader in
every movie. Even in that Boston Legal show
he’s in.

PAM
(thinks for a minute)
Not in Stargate. He’s a good guy in Stargate.

JIM
Oh, yeah. Ok, I bet in every other movie he’s
a jackass.

PAM
(smiling)
Oh, NOW, I have to put the Spader Theory to
the test, Halpert. You better be right or
there will be… consequences.

JIM
(smiling back)
Really. Hm. Kinda… hope I’m wrong now…
Ah, but what if I’m right?

PAM
(kinda naughty)
Then… I will be… VERY sorry that I ever
doubted you.

JIM
(leaning closer to Pam)
Uh, Pam? This whole… sexy thing
we do now?(beat) AWESOME.

Pam laughs as Jim heads back to his desk.

JIM
So, have that Spader Report ready for me
soon, Miss Beesly.

PAM
Yes. Right away, Mr. Halpert.

They smile warmly at each other.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
Do I think I will win? Hmmm…
(appears to give it a lot of
thought)
I… couldn’t care less.
(smiles)

INT. THE OFFICE-DWIGHT’S DESK

Michael is standing by Dwight’s desk staring
at Dwight, who is looking at his monitor.

DWIGHT
(sighs and rolls his eyes)
What?

MICHAEL
(still speaking slowly)
I’ve… narrowed my suspects down… Dwight. I
DISTINCTLY remember… discussing this movie
with you on the day of… The Dundies. And
I brought it in the next day for you. So
I KNOW that the killer… ah, DVD… borrower
is…
(removes his glasses slowly)
you.

DWIGHT
(annoyed)
Michael, I don’t HAVE your DVD! I can
guarantee it! I’m reading the synopsis
on Wikipedia and this film sounds…
hideous! Why in the world would I
borrow it?

MICHAEL
(shocked, comes out of character)
Dwight! How… dare you! Don’t insult my movie
choices! Do I rag on your… Battlescar… Crap-
tacular or that dumb Harry Pothead garbage?

DWIGHT
Yes! All the time!

MICHAEL
Well… that’s still no excuse to… take one
of my favorite movies and… and… make
chicken feed out of it!

DWIGHT
(confused)
Make… chicken feed...? How would I…?

MICHAEL
I don’t know! It’s… Just give me my DVD back!

PHYLLIS
Michael… why don’t you just buy a new one?

MICHAEL
Oh no, Phyllis. No. I’m not bailing WHOEVER
(looks at Dwight)
borrowed this from me out. I want it back.
It’s… It’s the principal of the thing!

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
I find that if you say “It’s the principal
of the thing!” people take your point very
seriously. Even if… you… don’t know exactly
what that means.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
Michael is mistaken. I DO NOT have his asinine, sophomoric DVD. Now, I have to conduct my OWN
investigation to make up for Michael’s OBVIOUSLY
inept one. And I WILL clear my name!(beat) And,
by the way, that was the WORST Dirty Harry
impersonation I have ever seen.
(shakes head)

INT.-CONFERENCE ROOM

Kelly sits nervously across the table from
Dwight, who is looking intently at her, his
fingers steepled in front of his face.

KELLY
(nervous)
I’m… I’m not sure what
DVD you’re talking about.

DWIGHT
Mannequin, Kelly. 1987 “comedy”
(does quote marks in air)
starring Andrew McCarthy…

KELLY
(excited)
Oh my God, yes. I love that movie!

DWIGHT
(sinister)
I… thought you might.

KELLY
Oh my God, I haven’t seen that movie
in years, since maybe high school!
     Andrew McCarthy is SO cute in that…
wait! Did you say that movie is out
on DVD?

DWIGHT
(sighing)
YES, Kelly. Michael had it…

Kelly abruptly leaps to her feet and runs from the room. Dwight closes his eyes and shakes his head.

INT.-CONFERENCE ROOM

We see Oscar sitting where Kelly was. Dwight is still across the table.

OSCAR
No.

The camera has not shifted position and we see Angela in the seat.

ANGELA
Don’t be silly.

Now Phyllis.

PHYLLIS
I’ve never even heard of this movie.

Now Meredith.

MEREDITH
Are we STILL talking about this?

Now Kevin.

KEVIN
(looking around)
You said… there would be donuts.

Now Creed.

CREED
Mannequin. You mean like a sex doll?

Now Stanley, who is laughing hysterically. Then Andy.

     ANDY
Dwight, you know I wasn’t even here
two years ago!

DWIGHT
(under his breath)
Dammit!

INT. THE OFFICE-JIM’S DESK

Jim is just getting into his seat when Dwight flings open the door and pushes Andy out. He leans out in Jim’s direction.

     DWIGHT
Jim… In the conference room.

JIM
I don’t think so.

DWIGHT
Excuse me?

JIM
The conference room? No.

DWIGHT
(irritated)
Jim, I am conducting an investigation…

JIM
Listen, Dwight, I am the number two here.
I outrank you, though you choose to believe
otherwise. If we are to have this interview,
which is to clear YOURSELF, then it will be
in a place of my own choosing.

DWIGHT
(reluctantly)
Alright…

INT. THE OFFICE-THE BATHROOM

We see two bathroom stalls, with the doors closed. We also see that each stall has an occupant, with their shoes visible under the doors. For a second there is silence.

DWIGHT
Jim. This is ridiculous.

JIM
But I feel comfortable. I do my best
thinking in here. Fire away!
(chuckles)

DWIGHT
(sighs)
 Um… alright. Um… On the day
in question…

JIM
Wait. Hold on a sec.
(starts shuffling around)
Lemme just…
(a zipper is heard)

DWIGHT
(alarmed)
What are you doing?

JIM
Well. I mean… while I’m in here…

DWIGHT
No! No! This is… no!

Dwight storms out and Jim opens the bathroom stall. He smiles to the camera and follows Dwight out.

INT. THE OFFICE-DWIGHT’S DESK

Jim walks over to Dwight who is sitting and is obviously perturbed.

JIM
Dwight, what…?

DWIGHT
(whispering)
Jim, I have been unjustly accused of
a crime! Unjustly! And I need your
cooperation to help clear my name!

JIM
Alright, alright, I’m sorry. I just…
I feel nervous! Ok. What if I have…
like… an advocate present? I need a
person to, uh… be my legal represent-
ative. To relay my answers for me.

DWIGHT
Alright, fine. Who will be your advocate?

Jim looks over at Pam at reception. Dwight’s eyes follow. Pam looks up at the two.

PAM
What?

INT.-CONFERENCE ROOM

Dwight sits facing Jim and Pam, who are side by side across the table.

DWIGHT
Remember, Pam, you MUST say what Jim says
to you, regardless of your personal feelings
towards him. Do you understand?

PAM
I… think I do, yes, Dwight.

DWIGHT
Alright… now… Jim. On the day in question,
do you recall seeing or hearing about the
DVD entitled Mannequin?

Jim leans over and whispers in Pam’s ear.

PAM
(trying not to smile)
He says that he does not recall the DVD in
question or the day in question or, for that
matter, the question. Please repeat.

DWIGHT
Dammit, Jim! I need answers! I know you
have something to do with this! Now, did
you borrow the DVD or not?

Jim leans over and whispers in Pam’s ear again. Pam almost bursts out laughing and then manages to stifle it.

DWIGHT
(intense)
What, Pam? What did he say?

PAM
(shaking head)
Dwight… I can’t…

DWIGHT
Pam! You took a VOW! What did
he say?!?

PAM
(truly trying not to laugh)
He says… he says it smells like
feet in here.

Jim stares at Dwight, completely deadpan.

DWIGHT
(puzzled)
Feet? Is that some sort of street slang?
Does that mean he traded the DVD for shoes?
(pauses, narrows his eyes)
You mean “pig” feet, don’t you?

Jim shakes his head and whispers to Pam again.
Her face softens and she looks deeply into Jim’s
eyes. Their faces are close.

PAM
(softly, to Jim)
Me too.

DWIGHT
(anxious)
What did he say?

PAM
(after looking at Jim lovingly)
He says that(beat)that the answers
you seek… lie within.

DWIGHT
(after a pause)
That’s not what he said!

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT

It’s obvious to me now that I’ve been
framed. No doubt by Jim Halpert. And I
will PROVE it. I’ve put in a call to the
production company of…
(motions towards camera)
this little trivial venture and
requested the footage of that particular
day. And when I PROVE that Jim framed me
I will swoop down on him with unchecked
vengeance. My fury will be like that of
the famed Killer B’s. Bourne. Bond. Bauer.
(beat) Schrute.
(nods)

END ACT ONE