xoxoxo 

You lean against the bar and almost forget where you are.  The way you feel right now you think you might be at your prom.  It's like high school, the way you're here with someone you like but not with the someone you want.

You're worried it's a reoccurring pattern.  This thing you do where you pine for a girl who couldn't be less interested.  Except in high school you'd been pretty sure - even as you stood on Jenny Harper's doorstep with a corsage in hand - that Ashley Wells wasn't ever going to give you the time of day.

You had also been pretty sure Ashley was about to give Jake Heyman much more than that later that night.

You shake the ice in your glass and place it back on the bar.  You nod when the bartender pours you another.   You check your watch, wondering exactly how many emails Karen will send tonight on her BlackBerry.   You wish you could place that bet with someone, but the only one who comes to mind is her, and you're not really talking to her anymore.  Well, not exactly true.  You have 'conversations' now.  Civil, friendly innocuous conversations that seem to mean everything and nothing all at once.   As a matter of fact you just had one tonight.

It's a memory you keep trying to shake.  She has this way of swaying back and forth when she thinks no one is looking.   The way she dances is so very...her is all you can think.   That night all those months ago, you remember she swayed too. 

You take another swig of your seven and seven, grimacing a bit.  The bartender went way too light on the soda this time, but the burning sensation running down your throat is welcome.   It distracts you, if even for just a few moments.  Your thoughts again turn back to...what they always turn back to.  You're transported to that night, remembering how you took a chance and for a split second thought it was actually worth it. 

But then she'd said...I can't.  

At the time, you heard it as I can't leave Roy - but seems like she was able to do just that the minute you left. 

And then didn't call to tell you.  Or even seem to notice you were gone.

You blow out a breath, bring the glass to your lips again and catch her out of the corner of your eye.

She's standing in the doorway, her arms wrapped around her waist and she's doing that swaying thing again.   She's so lovely you lose his breath.

Before you can stop yourself you down the contents of the glass in one long swallow.   You silently move to stand beside her.  

Her back stiffens a bit as your arm rubs against hers.  You don't heed the warning you know you're getting.  You never could, when it comes to her.

"Quite a party, huh?"  you hear yourself say, your voice a bit rough around the edges.

"Everything I imagined and more."  she sighs.

You can tell there's something wrong, you've always had this kind of sixth sense about her.  Just like always, you can't stop yourself from finding out what it is this time. 

And so - you ask.

"Nothing.  I just..."  she shakes her head, her hair catching the soft light of the candles beside her.  "A lot of this...it's the way I would have done it."

Realization crashes over you like a wave.   "At your wedding."  you eek out and as the words leave your mouth you're reminded of how pathetic you really are.

"Kind of freaking me out actually."  she laughs, but there's a bitterness to it you're not at all used to.

"I guess..."  You wonder again why you even walked over here.   "...it must be hard to have missed out on all this."

"Yeah..."   she nods and looks over her shoulder.  She shivers a little and pulls her shawl closer around her. 

You fight the overwhelming desire to offer her your jacket.  Instead you simply state the obvious.

"Cold?"

"A little.  Roy's getting..."  she stops, stares at the floor and shuffles her feet a bit before she begins again.  "He's getting my coat."

You're not sure why you're surprised.   Every time you decide to take a chance where she's concerned you wind up feeling just like this. 

"Oh really?"  You hope your voice sounds nonchalant.  You know for sure that it doesn't.

"Yeah.  I just.  I thought tonight would be different..."  she turns towards you then, gazes into your eyes.  "I thought a lot of things would be different."

You tear your eyes from hers and glance out at the reception before you.  Karen is sitting huddled in a corner as her fingers furiously text...someone. You don't know who she's talking to, and you realize you don't even care.  But you also know that if you could just walk over to her you won't go home unhappy.  And right now, that's the only thing that really matters.

At least you try and tell yourself it is.

"I know."  you finally reply, taking a tentative step, stopping dead when you feel her hand on you arm.

"Jim..."

"Yeah?"

She tugs at your sleeve, drawing your eyes to hers again.  "I wish things were different."

"It's OK.  I get it.  You do what you have to do." 

You're angry now.  This should not be happening.  Not like this.  You've moved on...you've moved on. You made sure of that months ago.

When she replies to that her voice has gained strength, a strength you don't remember ever hearing before. 

"I don't think you're listening to me."

You shake it off, you can't go back there.  Not now.  Not ever. 

"No I heard you fine.   You and Roy.  Together again.  That's...great."

It seems it's her turn to be defensive.  "I don't understand what you're so upset about."

And you're sure then.  She still doesn't get it.  

You watch her fight to explain and even though you know you shouldn't care anymore you simply...do.

She looks over her shoulder once more and as she turns back to you there's something that you recognize.   It's that disappointment that was always in her eyes where he was concerned.  And you find yourself slipping right back into your role, like there'd never been an intermission.

"Still waiting for him to figure it out, huh?"

She shakes her head, her words a bit garbled as she replies.  "It's not like I want to."

It's then you ask what you should have asked her that night, all those months ago.

"Then why, Pam?"

It takes a long moment before you see her react to your question.  You're almost sure she's not going to until she turns and walks out a side door, stopping at the top of a staircase.

You follow, because - really.  It's nearly impossible for you not to. 

"I needed time."  she says finally, more to the parking lot than to you it seems.  "I couldn't...not right then.  And I think that's what you wanted.  For it all to change that night..."

And you can't believe it.  You're actually talking about it. 

You've almost lost your capacity to speak.  "I didn't..."

She stands straighter and turns to face you.   "But you really did.  I get it now.  You needed to tell me - because you already knew you were leaving and you wanted me to give you a reason to stay."

And you know she's right.

"I should have waited..."  you begin.

"I should have said something different..." she replies.

Your stomach churns but you can't help yourself from asking what you desperately need to know.  "And if I said it now?"

She shakes her head.  "I can't..."

And there they are.  The two words you never want to hear ever again as long as you live.

"Right."  you whisper as you try to will your feet to walk away.

She speaks again, and when she does her voice is shaky.  "I mean.  You're with Karen."

"I'm with Karen."  you acknowledge with a nod, but even as you say it you know how untrue it is.

You've never been with her.  Not really.   Part of you has always been someplace else.

"I guess we just have horrible timing..." 

"That doesn't begin to cover it."  you mutter under your breath.  You almost think she hasn't heard you, until you face her again, and it's clear that she has.

"What if...?"  she begins.

There's a tightening in your chest, you're almost afraid to breathe.   "Yeah?"

"Maybe?"

And it's there in her eyes, everything you wanted to see back then.   Suddenly the world comes back into focus, and you know this is it.  After this, things will change. 

It takes you forever to find your voice.   "Do me a favor?" 

"What?"  she stares at you, confused.  It's obvious that's not what she was expecting you to say next.

"Don't leave here with him."   It sounds like a request, but you clearly don't mean it that way.  "Please..."

The seconds stretch like hours until you hear.  "Okay..."

As she says the word she slips her hand in yours.  Your fingers twine together and she sways towards you slightly.  It's almost too small a movement to even register.

But it does.

It's not much, it's not everything, but it's a start. 

And for tonight - it's enough.