Arms. Legs. Oranges. Kidneys. Cabbages. Jim scanned the carnage like it was a Picasso, looking for any semblance of order in the entropic space. His eyes were glassy and cool, like the Caribbean just before the onset of a major hurricane. Out of the corner, he could hear one faint call… "Pennsylvania Halpert, help me!"

He knew he shouldn’t have left the office unprotected when he skipped out for his daily wood-splitting session earlier that day. But man did Jim love to work with wood. He was overjoyed when he started dating Pam and found out that she loved wood as much as he did. His old girlfriend Karen did not. She also didn‘t float in water, as he found out when he’d dumped her in a fountain in New York. Luckily, she had dated and cheated on every member of the NYPD, so they dropped the murder charges and let him off with a warning not to do it again.

But really, splitting wood was his favorite pastime. He could rip through hundreds of pieces in a few hours. Sometimes though, he’d run into a knotty piece of ash that he really had to take his time with… a guy could get hurt that way. And don’t even get him started on the way his pulse fluttered as he thought about the tradition of tapping the maple trees and syrup-making during those murky winter days…

He was shaken from his daydream by the resonance of that same voice from the corner of the office. Jim wiped his forearm across his brow, sweat glistening like a million stars as it shone beneath his unruly mop of hair. Wading through the mountain of panties that had suddenly been heaped at his feet, he made his way to the sound.

"Phyllis!" He shouted at the sight of his coworker lying on the floor, body hewn in two. "Oh my God, you look so disgusting! Even worse than usual!"

"Thanks Jim. You sure know how to flatter a girl," Phyllis replied, the blood rushing into her cheeks and right on out through the claw marks covering them.

Concern was written across Jim’s features as he tried to comfort his elderly friend. He hoped the marker wasn‘t permanent. "So, Phyllis, who did this to you? And is everyone else here d-dead?" His voice cracked slightly as he wondered if his beloved was amongst them.

"Actually Jim, these are mostly mannequins, with a few paid actors thrown in should there be any speaking parts," Phyllis said flatly. "The Chupacabra kidnapped everyone else."

"Oh no!!" Jim bellowed, nearly inconsolable as the tears streamed down his face. He pointed at the TV in the break room… "The NASDAQ just dropped another 323 points today. My retirement fund is ruined!"

Phyllis began to cry as Jim turned back to face her. "Oh Jim, I fear my time is short. You must go… save everyone from the Chupacabra."

"Is there anything I can do for you…to make you more comfortable?" he said as he fingered the .44 magnum revolver at his side.

She thought for a brief moment, and then a smile crept across her face. "Oh Jim, you know you are so hot when you show off your compassionate, sensitive side like that! If I had the lower half of my body, I’d make love to you right now."

Jim fought back the dry heaves as he choked out, "Please Phyllis! Don’t you know there are ratings demographics to appease? The 18-34 year olds will not want to see you and me together, only more beautiful couples like Pam and I, or Ryan and the new receptionist, or Karen and a wood chipper."

Phyllis resignedly looked into his eyes, then gasped her last breath. Jim casually tossed a fire blanket over her and calmly walked back out of the office in search of the diabolical creature that held the thread of his heart in its hulking paw…and was threatening to snip it at any minute.