All he could really do was walk away. It didn’t matter that his heart was exposed or his feelings lingered on the line. It wasn’t enough to convince her to travel a path with him by her side. The weight of rejection sat heavily on his shoulders, the burden taxing him all the way down to his dragging feet as he wandered the empty parking lot of the Scranton Business Park. He needed to be somewhere, anywhere, other than where he had been. The pain surged through every corner of his body, making it difficult to breathe or even think. All he could hear were her words, “I can’t,” echoing through this head over and over again. His heart broke a little more each time his mind replayed that fateful moment. Ironically, he felt an odd pull to go back to her, to try again. Part of him didn’t want accept that the cards had really fallen as they had, but the fear of another crushing blow kept him steadfast in moving further away. He passed by the warehouse, which was still bustling with the noise of boisterous gamblers. Returning to a makeshift gambling hall seemed unthinkable after taking his ill fated chance just a few moments ago. Besides, the jarring sounds would do nothing but shatter what was left of his fragile self. He needed solitude to find some semblance of himself and control over his emotions. He clenched the car keys in his pocket; they offered escape and a way home, but not the cure. His body still tingled with left over adrenaline, leaving him restless while the overwhelming nature of his broken heart left him utterly helpless. Sitting alone in his car struck him as more pathetic than he already felt. And going home would leave him with no way out from his own misery.

A short elevator ride took him to the only place where he could truly wallow in his own misfortune. The dimly lit office was quiet and peaceful, illuminated only with the glow of blue computer screens and a few lamps. Prior to this moment, he never would have believed the offices of Dunder Mifflin would be his sanctuary. Her desk instantly caught his eye. He was drawn to it by an almost instinctual need. He may have walked away from her just a few minutes ago, but he still needed her near him in some way. Even now, she was his anchor. He ran his fingers across the smooth counter, as if it were her. Every memory he had with her flashed before him, reminding him the warmth, the connection, and all that was them, was all irrevocably gone. She knew the truth and met it with refusal. There was no going back. Without even thinking, he rested his elbows on her desk and leaned against it, just as he did everyday over the last few years. It was amazing to him how this small space could be the center of so much joy and anguish at the same time. He stared at her empty chair, but he saw her smile and heard her laugh instead. The stunning reality that he had lost all that mattered to him, hit him with shocking force. Her words filled his thoughts: “I can’t.“ His stomach pulled itself into knots as he heard her voice say them again. Those two words hurt more than a simple “no” ever could. Her words gave him no comfort as he wallowed in ambiguity. There was no finality in wondering how she really felt about him. He swore he saw something in her eyes before she unleashed those dastardly words. Surely he hadn’t misinterpreted that, too. No. He knew her better than that, despite her misgivings of his ability. He couldn’t, he wouldn’t believe he had misread her, now or ever. Regardless, reality still sang the same tune with the lyrics “I can’t” bringing nothing but pain. The sting of tears bit at his eyes as a ripped open heart seared his chest. He held his tears back knowing it would hurt far too much to let even one more fall tonight.

Jim pulled himself away from Pam’s desk, trying to find some distance while continuing to feel the need to keep her nearby. The paradox was not lost on him, but logic did not have the upper hand where pain was concerned. He made his way to his own desk, where he sat heavily into his chair. Out of sheer habit, his gaze immediately shifted to the receptionist’s desk, where Pam’s face usually met him. Yet, another little something that was gone forever. Just when he thought it wasn’t possible, his heart broke just a little bit more. He let his weary head fall into his hands as he tried to find his breath. The quiet of the office surrounded him, but did little to silence the torrent of emotions ripping through him. He had no idea he could hurt this much, nor be so vulnerable. He reached for the phone and dialed the number of the only person who knew everything from the very beginning. His sister knew he loved Pam before he did. She was there for him through every high and low over the last few years. She was the one who helped him pick out the teapot he gave Pam for Christmas. And it was her who encouraged him to tell Pam how he felt, long before this night. If anyone would understand his pain, it would be his older sister.

“Hello.” She mumbled tiredly. It was late and Jim knew she had probably already gone to bed, but he knew she’d let it go once she knew why he was calling.

“Hey, it’s me.” He tried to hide the pain, even if for a moment, but it was all over his gravelly voice.

“Jim?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry for calling so late.”

“It’s okay. What’s going on?,” she asked with genuine concern. It touched Jim deeply to have someone care about him so much, especially now. A long pause ensued as Jim let out a ragged breath, unsure of where to begin. He struggled to find the words that could even come close to expressing his heartache without the danger of falling completely apart.

“I told her.” His voice was painted with defeat and heartache as he found himself having to hold back the tears, yet again. It seemed so surreal that his feelings were out in the open, yet the pain of it all reminded him quickly that this wasn’t a dream or a figment of his imagination.

“What? You’re kidding me. When?” Jim could hear the shock in her voice, but with it was a little piece of hope, that was all to familiar to him. He had carried around the same kind of hope everyday for the last three years. He envied her for being able to have even the slightest bit of optimism as he mourned the loss of his own.

“About ten minutes ago.”

“Wow. . . . .” Her voice trailed off and Jim knew she understood. “It didn’t go well, did it?”

“No,” Jim said softly, yet resolutely as the reality of his situation weighed even heavier on his heart.

“Oh, Jim. I’m so sorry. What happened?”

Jim knew he couldn’t tell her the whole story. It was still so raw and debilitating. Instead, he let the silence speak for him, with all his torment hanging heavy in the air. Suddenly, the only thing he could do was kick himself for the way he had allowed the evening to play out. Everything he could have or should have said cascaded through his thoughts, leaving him with the unanswerable question of “What if?”

“Jim? Are you still there?” his sister queried. Her gentle voice finally lulled him out of the vicious circle of self doubt.

In a strained voice he simply said, “I didn’t know what to say.”

“And it all just came out at once, didn’t it?” As always she had pegged him, but Jim was relieved to hear concern and warmth in her tone. “I’m glad you finally told her, but you probably scared her a little bit.”

“Yes, I know.” He remembered seeing the fear in Pam’s eyes as soon as he crossed the forbidden line between friendship and “more than that.” He may have been ready to face his own fears, but now he stood with the realization that she was not.

“So, what are you going to do now?”

“Um, I don’t know. . . .” He had lost so much in the space in the space of ten minutes he couldn’t help but feel lost himself. He always knew she was a big part of his life, but he never realized she was the center of his life. The gaping void of her absence made him feel hollow and uncertain about everything.

Almost in a haze, he heard himself softly say, “She’s my best friend.” He had truly lost more than his chance at being with Pam, he had lost the only person who truly knew every part of him. His fingers absently reached out and began fiddling with the “gold medal” yogurt lid Pam had made so lovingly. It hung from his desk lamp drenched in memories that made him smile every time he saw her handiwork. It was so Pam. All her humor and warmth sparkled as the light hit the gold foil. The thought of not being with her was enough to make him collapse in on himself. He needed her, but now it was clear he would have to learn how to be without the woman who made his world make sense.

“I know, Jim. You’ve always described her as being pretty amazing.”

“Yeah, she’s great” he responded with an absent voice as his thoughts wandered aimlessly through the annals of his memories of Pam. Amazing. It was the perfect word for Pam. He would always feel that way about her, even though she dealt him a crushing blow. She was perfect to him and always would be.

“We both know she’s always been more than just a friend to you. Are you going to be okay? I‘m worried about you.”

“Yeah, I think I am.” He wanted to believe it, but with jagged shards of his shattered heart lying all around him, it was hard to see how they would fit together again, or how he would ever be whole again.

“It’s going to hurt for a while, but don’t be too hard on yourself. We’ll talk it all out . . .”

He heard his sister continue to speak, but it all began to slur when a he caught a glimpse of movement out of the corner of his eye. Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw. Pam stood in the entrance way looking radiant as the soft light hit her face and shimmered across her dress. Jim stopped breathing for a moment as everything simply stood still. He could see the surprise on her face as she locked eyes with him. It was obvious to him she wasn’t expecting to see him.

“Um, I have to go,” he managed to speak, with an anxious and hurried voice. He never broke eye contact with Pam for the fear that if he looked away she’d be gone.

“Okay, call me back.”

“I will.” He hung up the phone, still never taking his eyes off of her. He slowly stood up, almost afraid to move. He knew he was about to enter a moment that would heal all his wounds or break him beyond repair. The held each other’s gaze silently, yet so much passed between them. All the honesty, pain, and love connected them with an invisible and unbreakable cord.

She began walking towards him in slow, yet even strides. Her shock was gone and revealed something new for him to read in her face. Deep in her eyes he saw something entirely unexpected: curiosity, desire, need. And it was all directed at him. He could scarcely allow himself to believe he was interpreting her correctly, unless he was truly ready to destroy what was left of his heart.

“Listen, Pam . . .” All he could think to do was try and fix the damage he had done. He could tell her it wasn’t a big deal or he could . . .

Before he could finish his frantic thoughts, she was standing right in front of him, so close he could hear her breathing. Her hands gently rested on his chest as her lips found his. A shockwave enlivened every nerve in his body, rendering him completely paralyzed and electrified at the same time. His arms wanted to hold her, but the fear of giving in caused him to grip the edge of his desk in a desperate attempt to find something that seemed real. Pam’s soft kiss was usually nothing more than a fantasy that thrived in Jim‘s daydreams. But here she was, her lips gently pressed against his bringing with them everything Jim ever needed. She slowly pulled away, but her lips still touched his; he hesitated to believe she wanted him to kiss her back. Before he could question it any further, he felt her hands reach around his neck, her fingers running through his hair. She pulled him to her and kissed him again, this time deeper, but still with the tender warmth that was Pam. Jim lost all ability to think. There was nothing left to do but simply let go and allow himself to drown in the feeling of Pam’s touch, her kiss, and how right it all seemed. He grabbed onto the moment as he wrapped his arms around her. He pulled her closer to him, finally knowing how her body felt against his as if they were two lost pieces meant to fit together. An eternity of desire existed in this brief moment, only to be interrupted as their lips parted. He ached for the return of her touch; the taste of her lips. Jim reached for another small kiss. It was just as sweet, but entirely too short as she pulled away leaving more distance than before. Her hands slid back to his chest, and Jim let his hands fall away from her despite his innate need to feel her warmth against his fingers.

She looked up at him and their eyes immediately found each other. He said not a word as he stared into her eyes. They were filled with a thousand different emotions that refused to be pinpointed. He couldn‘t make any sense of the chaos, so he waited for her to speak knowing it was all in her hands. Silence was all she could muster before she averted her eyes to the floor. Her hands finally fell from him as she clasped them together nervously in front of her. He let her be, still reeling from her touch and the hope it brought. He could almost feel her trembling right along with him, but he was at a loss on what it meant. Finally, he touched his hand lightly to her cheek, his silent request for her to look at him. He needed to see her to get a sense of what she was doing and why. To his relief, she didn’t fight him. He met her gaze with a warm yet curious expression while he silently explored every facet of her face. Everything from her slightly quivering lips to her knotted brow to her glistening wide eyes allowed him to see deeply into her soul. The same words that stung him to the core earlier were staring right back at him: I can’t. He almost looked away as those words threatened to dissolve his last reserves of control. As if on cue, her eyes then flickered with something that took his breath away. A quiet desperation screamed to get out, silently proclaiming, I want to. The struggle raging inside her reminded him entirely of himself. He fought the same battle for years. His tears fought harder to break through his defenses, as he silently pleaded with her to follow with her instincts. But, he knew she wouldn’t. He understood her fear, her struggle, and her refusal. The pain of truth overwhelmed him, forcing him to break eye contact. He looked at the floor for a moment, looking for refuge as he furthered his attempts to hold back his tears.

He took a deep breath and found the courage to look at her again, his face filled with the agony of wishing things could be different. However, underneath it all he made sure she knew he understood why she couldn’t cross the line. The pain was almost unbearable as he realized the hope he allowed himself was nothing but false hope. He leaned in and softly kissed her one last time, needing to tell her again just how much he loved her. He could’ve sworn her kiss said the same thing, but I can’t still hovered over him. He gently touched his forehead to hers, intent on savoring every sensation of the last few moments he had left with her. For just a moment it was just the two of them together in silent truth. He breathed her in, letting her permeate every corner of his being. He knew it was over. She had made her choice. There is nothing he could say or do, except let her go. Her warm tears fell on his hand, which still graced her face. He knew his time with her had ended. She lifted his hand from her cheek and kissed it lightly before slipping away. She was gone and she had taken a piece of him with her. He stood in solitary silence with his heart in tatters. His breath caught as the pain flooded through him with blinding speed. Just as quickly, a tear broke free. He finally let it go.