It is their first date, and they can’t stop looking at each other.
It’s all small talk and how was the interview? I’m so glad you’re back (yeah, me too) and how is your food?, and the awkwardness is close to unbearable but still they cannot stop looking at each other. Because when the person you have been in love with for years is sitting across from you on a date- a real date with she in a dress and he in his slacks and they in their hesitancy- you cannot discriminate the thoughts in your head down to what’s important and what’s not and you cannot keep your eyes off of them.
He’s a little bit afraid she’ll run away, so he sets precedence when they order by asking for a beer, hoping she’ll do the same, because if she does try to run at least she won’t be able to go in a straight line and he might be able to catch her. So now they’re both nursing their second even though it’s only 6:00, mostly because they both knew they’d need something strong in order to be strong. But right now they’re not being strong they’re just being scared until Pam speaks totally out of the blue and she says I never lied to you.
Jim just looks at her like she’s said the most baffling thing in the world, and Pam’s not surprised because he’s always been far too hard on himself and far too easy on her (and plus he’s a guy, so he probably wouldn’t get it anyway) and so she keeps going and the words are falling out of her and she says Jim I never lied to you because I couldn’t do that. And maybe that’s what showed me that I really loved you, not like I needed any proof, but maybe that’s the thing that made me sure. Because when you told me you loved me, I never told you I didn’t love you back. I just told you I was sorry and that I couldn’t, and at the time it was really true- I couldn’t give it all up right then, Jim, that’s not what I’m like and you know that. You know how long it takes me to make decisions.
And he does know, because she has buyer’s remorse unlike anyone he’s ever met and she took fifteen minutes to order at the restaurant in the first place (he thought it was adorable, the waitress didn’t) and now she’s picking off his plate because she likes his food better. He could get used to that. And he tries to interrupt her, he tries to say I know and it’s okay, but she doesn’t let him. It’s a Fancy New Beesley thing, that she refuses to be cut short. And he’s afraid to hear any more but she keeps talking (he’s kind of wondering now if the beer thing was a good idea) and she is still looking at him and he cannot look away.
She says Roy was good to me. Maybe not in that really fantastic roses-just-because sort of way, but he provided for me and he never hurt me and he was really good to me when I called it off. And I called it off for a lot of reasons, just like I told you, but I didn’t call it off for you. I called it off for me. Because if I had called it off for you the only thing that would have justified my decision would have been you taking me back, and I didn’t know if you would. And then you did one better than not taking me back, you fucking left me, and I didn’t even know what to think when I walked in on Monday because I just wanted to talk to my best friend about how the life I had wanted for myself had vanished and crumbled and I had new dreams, and you wasn’t there. You weren’t there for me.
She stops because her throat feels closed up and she just can’t do it anymore, she can’t do the honestly without the response, and she’s crying now and so is he, he thinks, but all of a sudden he’s halfway across the table and he’s smashing his lips against hers and this is the only way he knows how to say he’s sorry. He thinks she gets it because she kind of stands up a little bit without ever taking her lips off of his so she can get closer to him and he’s got no clue if anyone’s looking at them and he really doesn’t care. And when they pull apart it doesn’t really feel right to sit down, because that would feel like acting as if nothing had happened and they’ve pretended for far too long that that’s the case, so they just stay, looking at each other and he is whispering I am sorry I love you I am sorry I should have known. He knows he should have known.
Somehow they pay the bill and leave, and he drives her home and she sits quietly in the passenger seat and they don’t talk all that much. He looks at the steering wheel and sees his hands are shaking, and he knows she’s noticed because she softens a little bit and she reaches over the center console and starts to unbutton the sleeve on the right arm of his dress shirt. He’s paralyzed with something between fear and desire and love and he doesn’t know what to do so he doesn’t do anything, but she rolls the fabric up above his elbow and then she slides a finger down the length of his forearm and he thinks that this simple touch could be the death of them because if he can hardly think when she looks at him it’s no comparison to what happens when she touches him. But he is far too unwilling to move his hand to put the car in park and potentially save their lives, so he keeps driving (he doesn’t even know where the fuck he’s going, he’s just trying not to hit the blue Yaris in front of them) while she idly runs her fingers down underside of his arm, nails tracing veins lightly like she’s looking for the path to his heart. They both know she found it a long time ago.
By some miracle they make it to Pam’s driveway, a feat Jim can’t believe and actually still kind of wonders about, but they make it and Pam just looks at him and then she gets out of the car. He’s kind of stunned for a second because to be honest this isn’t exactly how he pictured his first date going, but she’s walking up her front steps and she’s not even looking back and fuck, did he mess up somehow? But then he realizes- she’s giving him the choice. She’s giving him the option to make the same mistake he made after she walked away the first time, the one where he gives up and somehow convinces himself it’s not worth it. He watches Pamela Beesley walk over the threshold of her home (hers and no one else’s) and he sees the brown of her dress disappear around the corner and then he sees that she didn’t close the door like he did all that time ago. She never closed the door on him.
So this time, Jim Halpert follows her inside.
Author's Chapter Notes:
i've been hit with some sort of writing bug-- three posts in my first two days. forgive me my enthusiasm :P. i know the "first date" with jim and pam has been done a countless number of times, but here's my take on it- maybe not as happy and maybe not as light, but maybe just as truthful. your call.
as always, i do not own the office, but i'd like to if it's up for grabs.
as always, i do not own the office, but i'd like to if it's up for grabs.
josephine is the author of 3 other stories.
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