Story Notes:
Be sure to read up on previous episodes: The Mob, The Crush, Kidnapping, Dundies, Take Two, and Bonding. :)
Thank you so much for all of your kind reviews! I hope you enjoy the episode!
Thank you so much for all of your kind reviews! I hope you enjoy the episode!
Author's Chapter Notes:
I don't own any of the characters. I just like to have fun with them. :)
Also, speaking of characters, I apologize if any of Michael's comments come off as offensive or inappropriate. That's just who Michael is. Always offensive, always inappropriate. It's all meant to keep in tune with the humor of the show. :)
Also, speaking of characters, I apologize if any of Michael's comments come off as offensive or inappropriate. That's just who Michael is. Always offensive, always inappropriate. It's all meant to keep in tune with the humor of the show. :)
INT – Office
Jim is the first to arrive at the office. He turns all of the lights on and walks over to his desk.
JIM Talking Head:
Today is a big day for me. I had an interview with the principal at West Scranton High last week, and I’m supposed to hear from him today. So, if I’m lucky, these could be my last days working at Dunder Mifflin. God willing. I’ve always wondered what I would do on my last day here... Pam told me to make sure I take a bunch of cardstock for wedding invitations, so... Stealing office supplies. That will show 'em. And, of course, planning one final prank on Dwight. I have dreamed of that day every day for the past seven years. So. That should be pretty exciting.
INT - Office
Natalie walks in and sees Jim.
NATALIE
Hey. You’re here early.
JIM
So are you.
NATALIE
Oh, yeah. Michael likes me to be here early so that the office is a cool and comfortable 68 degrees by the time he gets in.
JIM
Ah.
Natalie walks over to the thermostat and adjusts the temperature. She then walks into the kitchen and starts preparing the coffee maker. Andy walks out of the bathroom.
NATALIE
Good morning, Andy.
He sneezes quite violently and it sprays Natalie in the face.
NATALIE
Um… Thank you?
ANDY
Sorry. Just… These G.D. allergies.
NATALIE
I have some Benadryl at my desk. If that will keep you from getting snot all over my face.
ANDY
Well, if you’re selling, I’m buying. Hook me up with the good stuff, Julia Caeser.
He sneezes again, right into the can of coffee Natalie was about to pour into the filter.
NATALIE
And that was just in your nose. Gross. (She tosses the coffee into the trash can.)
INT – Office
Everyone has arrived and is seated at their desks. Jim walks out of the kitchen over to Natalie's desk.
JIM
What happened to all of the coffee?
NATALIE
Um, I'm pretty sure Andy diseased all of it when he sneezed boogers into the actual coffee can.
JIM
Gross.
NATALIE
Yeah.
Michael steps out of the conference room.
MICHAEL
Alright, Dunder Mifflin Scranton team. Assemble! In the conference room, five minutes.
STANLEY
We just got here. Can’t ruining our day wait at least a couple of hours?
MICHAEL
Nope. It can’t. It begins now. Conference room. Five minutes.
MICHAEL Talking Head:
When I first became manager, I used to bring donuts for our morning meetings. And it would immediately put everyone in a good mood. But now I look around the room, and I see people like Kevin, and Phyllis and Stanley. And Kelly, who would probably die of talking herself to death if she had any more sugar in her system. And I realized that by feeding them donuts, I'm just making everybody fat and unattractive, like a Phyllis or a Kevin. Stanley, he can't help it. It's just... it's in his ethnicity. So, I decided that I should be promoting a healthier start to the day.
INT – Conference room
Troy (Ryan’s friend from "Night Out") and Michael are standing at the front of the room as the employees filter in. Jim notices the “treats” Michael has laid out on the table.
JIM
Wow. Cottage cheese. And pretzels. That’s an odd combination.
MICHAEL
Well, it’s all I had left in my refridgerator. So… Eat up.
Everyone walks past the food and takes a seat.
MICHAEL
Ok. And so the meeting begins. So, Ryan’s mini-me is here as our new corporate manager-
TROY
Temporary corporate manager. Really, I’m just filling in for Ryan’s old job until David Wallace hires someone else.
DWIGHT (to the employees)
Now everybody, don’t be frightened. I know he may look evil, but he is of no harm to any of us. Troy is what people in Middle-earth refer to as a hobbit. Also known as a hole-dweller.
MICHAEL
Ok, Dwight.
DWIGHT
Troy has lived for a long time. From my best estimates, I would say he’s about 75 years of age. Give or take a couple of hours.
MICHAEL
Dwight-
DWIGHT
Hobbits are endangered creatures. So you should treat him with the utmost respect, as you would of all elders and other endangered animals.
MICHAEL
Yes, we get it Dwight. Troy is an endangered species. And you will be to, if you don't shut up. Ok? Everyone, divert your attention from the crazy person over to me now. Listen up. Corporate is instituting a new program to promote career advancement. Right?
Troy nods.
MICHAEL
Alright. So this is how it’s going to work. I am going to hand you a sheet of paper, on which you are to write your career goals. It can be anything you like. If you want to be an astronaut, write down Lance Armstrong. Or, maybe you want to be a fire walker. Fire walkers are cool. Or a magician, who also walks on fire.
TROY
No, Michael. Everyone, we would like you to tell us your career goals here within the company. For instance, maybe you would like to take a position at our corporate offices in New York. Or perhaps you want to move up into Michael’s job.
MICHAEL
Wait, what? Why would anyone be taking my job? It's... my job. Just like you said, "Michael's job." Not, "Some other... Michael imposter's job."
TROY
I know -
MICHAEL
My coffee mug says "World's Best Boss" not "World's Other Just Ok Boss".
TROY
Well, not your job per se, just… a regional manager position, maybe at another branch.
MICHAEL
Yeah right, these losers aren’t going anywhere. These losers are my family. And, I love them, despite all of their loser-ness qualities. We're all in this together. Band of brothers.
ANGELA
And sisters.
MICHAEL
If you say so. Besides, none of them have what it takes to be me.
JIM (under his breath)
Thank God for that.
MICHAEL
What’s that, Jim?
JIM
Oh. I said, “True that.”
MICHAEL
Well said, buddy. Right on.
TROY
So, just write them down and once you do, we will have you shadow an employee related to the title you wish to have. That way, you can learn the necessary skills in order to eventually advance into that position.
MICHAEL
Sounds good. Thank you very much, mini-me of Ryan Howard. Mini-me… you complete me. (He laughs and turns to everyone, expecting them to laugh as well.) See? This is why they could never be managers. No sense of humor.
STANLEY Talking Head:
I’m just a sales representative, and I’m happy being just a sales representative. And I refuse to do anymore work than this job requires.
KEVIN Talking Head:
If I got to be anything I wanted, I would have lots of money, and I would live in Las Vegas so I could gamble as much as I want. I love the Vegas. Some people, they call it Sin City. But if the Vegas is a city of sin, why would they make it so much fun?
INT – Conference Room
Phyllis and Angela are at the front of the room.
ANGELA
So, Phyllis thinks that she is capable of running the party planning committee, despite the fact that on Michael’s birthday, she ordered an ice cream cake. Then, because Meredith is lactose intolerant and didn’t realize it was an ice cream cake, she got sick and the ladies' room smelled like a gas chamber. I couldn’t go to the bathroom at work for two weeks.
PHYLLIS
It wasn’t that bad.
ANGELA
I have an over-active bladder. It was very painful. I could’ve gotten a kidney infection.
PHYLLIS
Well, you could've told me. I would have brought you some Depends. I have a family pack at home.
ANGELA
Do you see? This is why I should be head of the party planning committee. And that is why we are putting it up to a vote.
The camera zooms out to show that they’ve only been talking to Natalie, who's sitting at the table.
NATALIE
But… I’m the only member.
ANGELA
And?
NATALIE
And I’m only a temporary member. I don’t even know you two that well. Maybe we should let the whole office vote.
PHYLLIS
I think that’s a good idea.
ANGELA
Your ideas are stupid.
PHYLLIS
It wasn’t my idea, it was Natalie’s.
ANGELA
And you agreed with it. That automatically makes it stupid.
NATALIE
On second thought, I think I want Phyllis to run the committee.
ANGELA
But you haven’t even had a chance to look at our party planning resumes. I was up all night working on it.
NATALIE
Yeah, but I really like Phyllis’ vision.
Phyllis smiles.
ANGELA
Fine. We’ll let the office decide.
NATALIE Talking Head:
Yeah, I really don't care who's head of the party planning committee. I mean, I really don't see why we have one any way. We never get anything done in our meetings. Angela always just calls me a whore, and then says she'll do everything herself.
ANGELA Talking Head:
The last time Phyllis was in charge of a party, she put fried twinkies on the party menu. They were disgusting, and they made me want to vomit. Is that who this office wants to plan their parties? Someone who makes them feel the urge to throw up?
INT – Michael’s Office
Jim and Dwight are seated in front of Michael’s desk, reading from the sheets of paper everyone has filled out.
JIM
Kelly would like to run her own fashion column in the Dunder Mifflin newsletter, because she thinks the people here make this office look ghetto. Her own words.
MICHAEL
Alright, so to prepare, I will have Kelly watch Project Runway, and she can make new and better clothes for everybody in the office. That was easy. Who’s next?
JIM
Oscar would like to be regional manager.
MICHAEL (laughs)
Yeah, right.
JIM
Why is that funny?
MICHAEL
Please. Oscar could never be manager. He’s a minority, and minorities never get the good jobs. That’s why they’re minorities. Also, to be a manager, you have to be competent. And smart, and good looking, and funny. And Oscar is none of those things.
JIM
I think Oscar’s pretty funny, actually.
MICHAEL
Funny looking? Maybe. But funny, funny? As in “LOL-funny”? I don’t think so. He never laughs at my jokes.
DWIGHT
Maybe he’d be better off in janitorial services.
MICHAEL
That’s true. Or he could be a lawn care specialist. A lot of Mexicans are very successful in the lawn mowing business. That’s it, we can have Oscar shadow the guys who mow our lawn here at our business park.
JIM
Yeah, I don't think-
MICHAEL
Think about it. He is the only one here who speaks their language. I don't know, I think that's fate.
JIM
Ok. Next. Dwight would like to be Assistant Regional Manager.
MICHAEL
But I already have an Assistant Regional Manager.
JIM
True, but I may be leaving soon.
MICHAEL
You don’t know that yet. Not for sure.
JIM
Yeah, but I’m supposed to hear back from a job. Today, actually.
MICHAEL
Ok. Then Dwight, you will shadow Jim.
DWIGHT
Jim has nothing to teach me. Have you even looked at his career survey yet? (He reads from Jim’s paper.) Jim aspires to be blank, and his goals are blankity blank. Does that sound like someone you would want to learn from? A person with a goal-less future and an empty mind?
JIM
That’s not fair. As Assistant Regional Manager, I feel that I have a lot of wisdom to pass down to you.
DWIGHT
Really? What are you going to teach me? How to torture people? How to style my hair to look like a six-year-old girl? Please. I should be teaching you.
MICHAEL
Nope. Jim is my right hand man, and you should be grateful that he is willing to pass down all of his wise wisdom.
DWIGHT
If Jim is your right hand man, that would make me your left hand man, which is just as important.
MICHAEL
Actually, I’m right handed which means my left hand is totally useless. Which effectively means that you are useless. In everything. Not just to me in this office, but in the entire world as well. And that's based totally on science, so- I think the facts speak for themselves.
DWIGHT
I will not shadow Jim. I would rather shadow a dog.
MICHAEL
And what, learn how to hump my leg?
JIM
Well, he already knows how to do that. He does it to me all of the time.
DWIGHT
I have never humped anyone's leg in this office, and even if I did, it would not be yours.
JIM
So you haven't in the office, but outside of the office-
DWIGHT
What happens in my personal life outside of the office, stays outside of the office.
JIM
Right.
Dwight stands up.
DWIGHT
I don't need to sit for this crap.
MICHAEL
Dwight, sit down.
Dwight sits back down.
JIM
Good dog.
INT – Office.
Jim walks over to Andy’s desk.
JIM
Andy. Today, you will be shadowing Michael.
ANDY
Righty-o, captain. I couldn’t agree more.
JIM
Agree to what?
ANDY
Playing Frisbee golf after work. That is what you said.
JIM
No. I didn’t.
ANDY
Are you sure that’s not what you said? Because that’s what I heard that you said.
JIM
Are you high?
ANDY
I’m high on life, if that’s what you’re suggesting.
JIM
No seriously, are you high?
ANDY
I don’t know.
JIM
Well, that probably means you are.
ANDY (nods)
Interesting.
NATALIE Talking Head:
Benadryl is a pretty lethal drug. It says on the box that it may cause drowsiness, but it doesn’t say that one of the side effects is that it may cause you to fall asleep at your computer and drool all over your keyboard… Which happened to me the last time I took it… I think I may have accidentally drugged Andy… Oops.
Chapter End Notes:
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