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Author's Chapter Notes:

A touch of slash, sometime after Booze Cruise.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author.  The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise.  No copyright infringement is intended.

When the key clicked in the lock, Jim folded down the page and turned toward the hallway.

Toby and Kate appeared soon after. Kate glanced at him then continued down the hall. Toby waved to Jim, then followed. A few minutes later, Toby was carrying Sasha back toward the front door, Kate following with a small backpack and a guilty face.

Jim opened his book again and stared at the words until Toby came back in.

"How was she?"

"Oh, fine. She ate most of her macaroni, and a little salad. Then she put on her DVDs and we sang sea shanties with a yellow sponge. Then it was hide and seek, then treasure hunt, and then, let's see... oh yeah, off-track betting. The strippers left just before you got here."

Toby chuckled.

"If she tells you I let her give me pigtails, she's a little fibber."

"Well, sounds like you had a better night than I did." Toby sank down onto the couch next to Jim, his fingers laced in his lap.

"That bad?"

"They're moving."

"How far?"

"Virginia."

"Oh, man. Sorry."

"Yeah." He tapped his thumbs together then looked at Jim. "You want a beer?"

Jim nodded. "Yeah. Sure." He tossed his book on the coffee table as Toby rose.

"I don't have much of a selection."

"Whatever, man."

When Toby returned, he handed Jim a cold bottle. Jim tried to think of a toast, but Toby was already drinking, so it didn't matter. He took a swig and sat back, waiting. When Toby spoke, it wasn't what he expected.

"Ever been in love, Jim?"

"Oh... um. Yes."

"Yeah?"

"Mm-hm."

"How did it end?"

Jim took a deep breath. "It didn't."

Toby looked at him.

"Or, I should say, it hasn't."

Toby watched as Jim studied his beer label, then nodded. "I met Kate in college. We liked the same movies, same restaurants." He tipped his beer toward Jim's novel. "Same books. Got married over Christmas break one semester. Traveled a little after college, then came back and settled in. Had Sasha. Everything seemed fine, normal. And then one night, after bath time and story time and bedtime, I was taking my tie off, and she said she didn't love me anymore." Toby thought for a moment. "I think I threw that tie away."

Jim watched him.

Toby shook his head slowly. "How do you do that? Just stop loving someone?"

"I wish I knew."

"Me, too." Toby sat forward, elbows on his knees, and put his beer on the table. He pressed the heel of a hand to his forehead and sighed. His shoulders began to shake.

"Hey, hey." Jim set his drink down and slid up next to Toby, putting a tentative arm around his shoulders. "Toby."

Toby didn't make a sound, sobbed into his fist. Jim caught his free hand in his own and squeezed. Toby squeezed back, hard. Jim pulled him into him, and held on until the shaking stopped. After a little while, he asked quietly, "Are you alright?"

"No."

"I know. I'm sorry." He gripped Toby's shoulder more tightly. "Do you want me to stay?"

Toby hesitated. "What would you do if I said yes?"

"I'd stay."

Toby closed his eyes again. "Yes. Please." He let his head rest on his hands again.

"Okay."

"Thanks." Toby's body was warm against his. This time he cried without moving either.

x x x x x

Jim dreamed of a boat.

The cabin was too warm, smelled of old smoke and freshly spilled booze. It was noisy with sounds he never sought on his own. When he was in the cabin, he had to keep secrets, to lie, and to laugh off both. He couldn't breathe in the cabin.

The deck was less safe - only a four-foot railing between him and the dark, foamy water - and the weight of things unsaid remained. The air froze the moisture in his nostrils. But at least he could breathe here, even if it hurt a little.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

When he opened them again, he saw Toby standing at the rail, looking out over the water, his silhouette dark against the shoreline.

But it hadn't been Toby. It had been Michael. He'd told Michael.

It should have been Toby.

When he moved to walk toward Toby, Jim realized he was lying down, on a couch. The railing was a sliding glass door, the shoreline a few bare trees in the backyard.

Still, he could almost breathe here.

He stood, letting a blanket drop beside him, and walked to the door. He reached for the handle, flipped the lock, and slid the door open.

Cold air swirled around his bare arms and legs, seeped through his t-shirt, his boxers. He closed his eyes and inhaled. Bracing, but not painful. He opened his eyes to find Toby watching him closely.

"Jim, do you know where you are?"

"Yes. On deck."

Toby looked concerned.

"It's okay. I'm awake. I'm sorry about Kate."

Toby nodded. "I know."

"I'm in love with Pam."

Toby smiled a little and nodded again. "I know."

"They're not in love with us."

Toby's mouth moved, but didn't make a sound. He looked to the backyard and swallowed.

Jim felt overwhelmed by the kindness of the man before him. It was in the angle of his brows, the shape of his wrists, the rise and fall of his adam's apple. Jim laid a hand on Toby's neck, smoothing a thumb over the muscle tensing in his jaw.

Toby turned at the touch.

Jim held his eyes for a moment before leaning forward and kissing him gently.

When he pulled back, he rested his temple next to Toby's. They stood close for a moment before Toby placed his hands firmly on Jim's ribs. Jim felt him nod. He closed his eyes, brought his other hand to Toby's neck, and kissed him again. This time Toby kissed him back, first firmly, then urgently. Jim's hands moved to the belt on Toby's robe, pulling until it gave way, then reached inside to move over the cotton shirt there, the warm skin underneath.

When his fingers found the string of the pajama pants, Toby gasped under his mouth and squeezed his ribs.

He could still breathe, just.

x x x x x

An orange sun woke Jim early.

Blanket. Couch. Toby's living room.

He swung his feet to the floor and scrubbed his face with his hands. He needed to go home to change before work.

He looked around the room. Fireplace. Toy basket. DVDs. Glass door. Trees.

He frowned when the image of the boat deck came to mind. Dark water, cold air. Parts of a dream began to come back. He stared at the door, then shook his head. He pulled his sweater on, his jeans up. He looked down, froze, then zipped up quickly and slipped out of the house.

As he pulled away from Toby's, Jim turned his heater on full blast and tried to forget that his boxers were inside out.



nomadshan is the author of 44 other stories.
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