INT - Office
A young gentleman, we'll call him Steven, dressed in a nice business suit walks in and approaches Natalie at reception.
STEVEN
Hi, I'm here for a job interview with Michael Scott.
Michael immediately walks out from his office.
MICHAEL
Yes, hello. I would be Michael Scott. And you must be Steven, the cracker.
STEVEN
Um, Thacker. Thacker… is my last name.
MICHAEL
Oh, well, I was close.
MICHAEL Talking Head:
Yes, I have scheduled several interviews for today to find a replacement for Jim. As you know, Jim intends to leave us… indubitably… He’s moving on to bigger and better things, or so he thinks. I had Natalie help me put out a job ad: (He clears his throat and reads from a sheet of paper) “Wanted. Person who can sell things. Preferably paper. Good-looking male. Loyal friend. Must be a good dispenser of advice.” It was like forty dollars per character, so… Had to make sure I got in everything I was looking for.
STEVEN Talking Head:
Well, yeah, I’ll admit that the job ad was a little weird. But it can’t be any worse than the last interview I went on. At a law office called Knuckles & Associates. Their slogan was, “At Knuckles & Associates, we’ll knock out your case to get you the money you deserve!” So…
INT – Office
Michael is sitting on top of his desk conducting the interview. Steven is sitting in a chair in front of him.
MICHAEL
So, Steve.
STEVEN
It’s… Steven.
MICHAEL
Ugh, seriously? I like Steve better… Why do you want to work for Dunder Mifflin?
STEVEN
Well, uh, to be honest my last job wasn’t very exciting. And from your job ad, it seems like you have a great sense of humor.
MICHAEL
Why, yes, I find that my employees are always laughing at me. But, uh, where did you work before?
STEVEN
Just a really small office. There were only about 15 of us, and I worked in sales. But our manager, man was he incompetent. That guy wasted so much time with these stupid meetings about nothing. I remember one time, he called a meeting and had all of us help him file his taxes.
MICHAEL
Really? Wow. What a jerk! It’s definitely not like that around here. Not at all.
INT – Break room
Angela and Phyllis are setting up for Natalie’s party. Kelly is standing by the door, drinking a soda.
KELLY
Wow, these plates are really pretty. They’re so pink. Where did you get them?
PHYLLIS
Oh. I got them at Target.
KELLY
Really? That’s so cool. I never thought that someone like you, Phyllis, would have decent taste. Angela, you should hire Phyllis as your wedding planner.
ANGELA
Ugh.
KELLY
When are you getting married anyway?
ANGELA
I haven’t decided.
KELLY
You haven’t set a date yet? But it’s been, like, three months. If I was engaged for that long, I would cry.
ANGELA
I’m not going to rush into getting married. It’s a big commitment.
PHYLLIS (under her breath)
Like you would know.
Angela glares at Phyllis.
ANGELA
Sensible people don’t rush into marriage.
KELLY
Yeah but, isn’t that, like, the goal of life? That’s just what people do. Get married, buy a house, have kids, definitely two, but not more than three. Become famous, move to California, get a house on the beach, buy lots of cute clothes, have a closet for all of my shoes-
ANGELA
Can you please just… stop talking.
INT – Jim’s desk.
Jim is kneeling on the floor behind his desk to use his computer. Natalie shakes her head from behind her reception desk.
NATALIE
Ok, Jim. You’ve proved your point. Would you just go get a chair from the conference room?
JIM
Nope. I won’t sit down until you give me back my chair.
NATALIE
I didn’t take your chair.
JIM
Liars never prosper.
NATALIE
I believe that's cheaters, and what would I have to thrive on from stealing your chair?
JIM
I don't know, the ability to grow for one. It was an adjustable chair, which we all know you needed to be able to see over your desk.
NATALIE
I can see over the counter just fine. Besides, I'm not short. I'm fun size.
Michael and Steven emerge from Michael’s office.
MICHAEL
And this is the salesfloor. Or, the old bullpen as I like to call it.
STEVEN
Why is he on the floor?
Steven points to Jim who is now sitting Indian style on the floor, doing paperwork.
MICHAEL
I don’t, uh-
JIM
Oh, uh, I'm meditating. Finding my happy place.
NATALIE
Oh, would that be sitting in a chair?
MEREDITH (from her desk)
I just started doing yoga. My favorite position is the downward facing dog. It's also good for sex.
MICHAEL
Wow. Ok. Man, we have some weirdoes working here. Speaking of weirdoes, where is Dwight? He's usually always at his desk. Huh. Must be somewhere showing off his knife collection.
Steven looks at the camera in horror.
INT – Kitchen
Dwight and Andy are sitting at the table in the corner, deliberating.
ANDY
I have an idea. There was this prank my colleagues back in Stamford used to pull on me. They would always pick on me because I was the cool guy with an amazing voice and I went to Cornell. Who wouldn't be jealous of me, right? Anyway, everytime I went to the bathroom, my co-workers would lock me inside. And I would be in there screaming my FREAKIN’ head off. They pretended they couldn’t hear me. But I could hear them laughing. All of them. Sometimes when I'm left alone with my thoughts, I can still hear the laughter.
DWIGHT
That’s an awful plan. This is what's going to happen. The next time Jim leaves his desk, we will take his computer.
ANDY
No, yeah, that’s exactly what I was thinking, too. I just… didn’t want to say it because I knew that you were already thinking it.
DWIGHT
Shh… Shut your mouth, now. Follow me.
INT – Office
Dwight and Andy calmly walk back out into the office as Jim passes them and walks into the kitchen.
DWIGHT
Let’s move.
ANDY
Moving.
They rush over to Jim’s desk and start unhooking his computer monitor from the back of his computer. Dwight messes with the wires as Andy watches the door.
ANDY
Coast is clear.
DWIGHT
Unplugging.
ANDY
Coast is still clear. Hurry.
Natalie looks at the camera, amused.
ANDY
Hurry.
DWIGHT
Still unplugging.
ANDY
Ok, go faster.
DWIGHT
I’m going as fast as I can.
NATALIE
You know you can just unplug it from the back of the-
DWIGHT
This doesn’t concern you!
NATALIE
Ok.
ANDY
Got it? Got it?
DWIGHT
Almost done.
ANDY
Hurry… hurry.
Dwight finishes unhooking it.
DWIGHT
Take it.
ANDY
Got it.
Andy lifts Jim’s monitor and escapes out of the front door with it. Dwight sits back at his desk as if nothing happened.
PHYLLIS
Why are you taking-
DWIGHT
Quiet you!
Jim walks back out, holding a coffee mug and walks over to his desk. He raises his hands in disbelief when he realizes his monitor is missing and looks at Natalie again. She shrugs and gives him a look that says, “I don’t know.”
INT – Michael’s office
Michael is interviewing someone else, this time an older gentleman.
MICHAEL
…and sometimes you will go on sales calls, but we wouldn’t thrust you into it right away... That’s what she said. (Giggles to himself before regaining his composure and turning serious.) No, you would go through about three weeks of training to prepare yourself... Oh, and you only get an hour for lunch.
INTERVIEWEE
Oh, that’s quite alright. I never get hungry. I do have a question, though.
MICHAEL
Oh. Well, usually I ask the questions, but... uh, sure.
INTERVIEWEE
Does your health insurance cover pets?
MICHAEL
I, uh… We can ask, Holly in HR about that... Now, in the ad, when I specifically asked for someone good-looking... Did you not read that part, or... ?
INT - Office
Jim is at reception, reading from the Fantasy Football notepad.
JIM
Terrell Owens?
NATALIE
Never even heard of him before. I hope he’s decent.
JIM
Hey, so did you invite Josh to the party today?
NATALIE
Oh, um… I thought he told you. We, uh… We sort of broke up.
JIM
Oh… I’m sorry to hear that… What… What happened?
NATALIE
Nothing really, just… Well, I got a job at a news station back home in Pittsburgh. And, I mean it’s five hours away so it only made sense you know?
JIM
Right.
Natalie nods and shrugs.
JIM
Ok.
NATALIE
Yeah, you can go back to your seat now. Or… to the floor.
JIM
Yeah. Hey, congratulations on that job.
NATALIE
Thanks.
JIM
Still not going to admit you took my chair, are you?
NATALIE
Why admit to something I didn’t do, Jim? Maybe Dwight took your chair.
JIM
If you’re going to tell a lie, at least make it a believable one.
Natalie smirks at the camera.
Jim grabs a newspaper from his desk and walks back into the kitchen while Andy and Dwight watch him suspiciously. They jump up as soon as Jim disappears through the doors.
DWIGHT
Family photos.
ANDY
Exactly what I was thinking.
Dwight and Andy raid Jim’s desk and take all of his framed photos, sticking them in Andy’s desk.
NATALIE Talking Head:
Yeah, Andy and Dwight have been bonding and it’s… weird. I wonder if Andy would want to be Dwight’s friend if he knew Dwight was sleeping with his fiancé…. Not that he is sleeping with his fiancé just… hypothetically.
ANGELA Talking Head:
It doesn’t surprise me that Andy and Dwight are getting along. I think they’re both intellectual, heroic, strapping young men. (She immediately frowns.) Except for Dwight.
INT – Kitchen
Jim is sitting at the table in the corner reading a newspaper. Andy walks in and waves at Jim. He walks over and opens the refridgerator. Jim looks up after Andy has been peering into the refridgerator for a long time.
JIM
Whatcha lookin’ for Andy?
Andy shuts the refridgerator door.
ANDY
Nerthin’. Just… coming in for a little snacky snack…
Jim just nods and Andy eyes him suspiciously.
ANDY
So how much longer you think you’re going to be in here?
JIM
Why does that… matter?
ANDY
Nothing. Just… making small talk.
Michael walks into the kitchen.
ANDY
Hey, Michael. What’s the dealio, amigo?
Michael ignores him and pours himself a cup of coffee.
ANDY
Nice chatting with you guys, I’ll check you later.
Andy escapes back out into the office.
JIM
So how are the interviews coming along?
MICHAEL
Horrible. When did people get to be so lame?
Natalie walks in.
NATALIE
Jim, there’s a call for you on line one.
Behind Natalie, through the window in the kitchen door, we can see that Andy and Dwight have removed the drawers from Jim’s desk and are hauling them out the front door. Jim gets up from the table and walks back out into the office.
MICHAEL
Hey, Natalie. Are you excited about your party? I picked out the cake.
Natalie looks at the cake that’s sitting out on the counter and reads what has been written on it.
NATALIE
Congratulations sellout?
MICHAEL
Well, we heard about your new job.
NATALIE
Oh.
MICHAEL
Are you sure you can’t stay, because we can make room for you if you want. There’s still room in the annex. Next to Kelly. Or you can have Dwight’s desk. We can move his ugly mug to the back.
NATALIE
No, that’s ok.
MICHAEL
You sure? I can fire someone. Just give me a name, and they’re gone. Meredith, do you want to me to fire Meredith?
NATALIE
No, thank you Michael. Really. I learned a lot here. Sometimes way more than I wanted to know, but I learned a lot.
MICHAEL
Alright. I’ll have to find another reason to fire Meredith.
Michael walks back out to the office.
INT – Office
The camera is focused on Jim kneeling behind his desk again, on the phone.
JIM
Ok, I can have that shipped to you and you should receive it in about 3 to 5 days. (beat) Thank you. (beat) You know, I would look that up for you online, but… I can’t… And… (he glances down and realizes his desk drawers are gone) My drawers are missing (beat) No, no, I wasn’t talking about- No I’m definitely wearing underwear. (He blushes and his voice shakes nervously) Um, you know what can I call you back? (beat) Thank you.
Jim hangs up the phone and sighs in frustration.
DWIGHT
Why so serious, Jim?
Jim looks over at Dwight, confused. Dwight just gives a sly look to the camera that slowly grows into a mischievous smile.
DWIGHT Talking Head:
For seven years, Jim has gone unpunished for all of the corruption he has caused in this office and I refuse to see him go without punishment any longer. Normally, I wouldn’t give in to Jim’s childish games, but it’s about time he suffered the consequences. Jim is like the Joker, and I am like Batman. Any who saw the movie knows the Joker cannot win. Scranton, Pennsylvania needs its true hero… It's about time justice is served in this office. Nobody messes with Dwight Kurt Schrute and gets away with it. (pause) The third one.
INT - Office
Jim is sitting behind the reception desk as Natalie walks up, holding a can of soda. Jim is on her phone, having a conversation.
JIM (on the phone)
Alright, Josh. (beat) Sounds great Josh. (beat) I'll see you then, Josh. (beat) Alright... bye, Josh.
Jim hangs up as Natalie eyes him curiously.
NATALIE
Who was that?
JIM
Oh, that was Josh.
NATALIE
As in, my ex-boyfriend Josh?
JIM
No, as in my brother, Josh.
NATALIE
Same difference, why were you talking to my ex-boyfriend?
JIM
Wasn't your ex-boyfriend, it was my brother. Oh, and I invited him to the party today.
NATALIE
You did what?
JIM
Oh, yeah. About that. You stole my stuff, and I invited Josh to your party.
NATALIE
Yeah, Jim, you got me. I've been taking apart your desk and selling it for parts. I know a bunch of people who are looking to buy some nice family photos and a set of drawers.
JIM
Yeah, well-
NATALIE
Oh my God, I cannnot believe you invited him.
JIM
Alright, now I know you're upset, but one day you're going to have a good laugh about this. Comedy equals tragedy plus time.
NATALIE
I hope the next thing your little Dunder Mifflin desk bandits steal is your hairpiece.
Natalie storms off as Jim just shakes his head.
JIM
Uncalled for.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Just a quick little recap - Remember Natalie has been dating Jim's younger brother, Josh. Okay, continue. :D
Still don't own anything, blah, blah, blah...
Still don't own anything, blah, blah, blah...
Chapter End Notes:
Next chapter should be up soon. Hope you are enjoying this so far! :)
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