INT – Office.
We hear Natalie’s voice over as we watch Phyllis and Angela decorate the office for Natalie’s going-away party. We see a “Goodbye, Natalie” banner hung behind the reception desk.
NATALIE Talking Head:
Yeah. Today is my last day working at Dunder Mifflin. It’s kind of sad, but I can’t really say that I’m going to miss it too much. I mean, I’m definitely not going to miss teaching Michael how to pair up his Bluetooth headset. 54 times. Or buying him tests so he can see if he’s ovulating. He figured if he had sex with Jan while she was pregnant, that he could make twins and that way, at least one of the babies would be his.
INT – Office
Phyllis approaches Natalie at the reception desk.
PHYLLIS
Natalie, we want to know what your favorite color is so I can pick up some streamers.
NATALIE
Oh. Um… I like purple, I guess.
ANGELA (peeking over the dividing wall between reception and her desk)
Whore.
Natalie looks at the camera and makes a face.
ANGELA Talking Head:
The other day, Natalie wore a skirt. Not only was it more than a quarter-inch above the knee, but she wore it without pantyhose. Looks like someone was hoping for a quickie in the office. Whore.
INT – Office
The camera is focused on Dwight, who’s walking to his desk from the kitchen. He’s eating a banana.
DWIGHT
What the hell is this?
The camera zooms in on Dwight’s desk, showing that his actual phone has been replaced with a Fisher Price toy Chatter Telephone.
JIM
What are you talking about?
DWIGHT
Ha-ha, very funny. Now give me back my real phone.
JIM
No. I don’t-
DWIGHT
This isn’t funny, Jim. Eighty percent of customer contact relies on using the telephone. Give it back now.
JIM
Ooh it has a roto-dialer. That’s pretty cool.
Dwight fumes and heads into Michael’s office. Jim just smirks at the camera. Natalie walks by and drops the Fantasy Football notepad on Jim’s desk. Jim picks it up to read her selection.
JIM
Tony Romo? Come on!
NATALIE
What?
JIM
You chose Romo as your first pick?
NATALIE
Why, is he any good? I’m such a girl, I wouldn’t know.
JIM
You’re a Steelers fan. You couldn’t have gone with Roethlisberger?
NATALIE (pretends to look confused)
Who’s that?
JIM
Alright everybody, lock up a good quarterback because Natalie is busting through the gates with Tony Romo.
The guys groan as Natalie just smiles.
JIM Talking Head:
Yeah, I’m in a good mood these days. Football season is starting again. Hopefully, I'll lock in McNabb as my quarterback, and Pam is moving back in a couple of days. And we will finally officially be living together so… Yeah. Things are good.
INT – Michael’s office.
Dwight barges in and the camera shows Michael eating popcorn with his feet propped up on his desk. The lights are dim and he’s watching something on his computer.
DWIGHT
Michael-
MICHAEL
Shh, shh. I’m watching tv.
Dwight walks over behind Michael’s desk to see what he’s watching.
MICHAEL
Did you know that you can watch tv on your computer? I never knew that. That’s just… genius.
DWIGHT
What are you watching?
MICHAEL
Pam: Girl on the Loose. I saw it and I thought hey! Our very own Pamela Beesly got her own documentary in New York. Turns out, it was Pamela Anderson.
DWIGHT
Michael. Jim has taken my phone and won’t give it back to me. He should be punished.
MICHAEL
Well, just tell him to give it back to you.
DWIGHT
Well, I did. And he didn’t.
MICHAEL
Then tell him again.
DWIGHT
Michael-
MICHAEL
Shh, just shut it Dwight. I’m trying to watch this. Pam Anderson is about to tell the PTA to stop shooting animals.
INT – Office
Dwight exits Michael’s office and sits down behind his desk as Jim gets up and walks towards the kitchen. An IM window pops up on Dwight’s computer, that reads:
CHRISTIANSOLDIER: Let me help you.
Dwight looks at the message curiously, then responds:
LIFEISNOTFAIR: Who is this?
Andy leans over from his desk.
ANDY
Psst. It’s me. Sorry, I usually only use my Christian Soldier screen name when I’m talking to the little kitty cat in the corner.
The camera zooms on Angela then back to Andy and Dwight.
ANDY
I understand you’re having some issues with the Tunafish. I can help. Maybe… give him a taste of his own medicine.
DWIGHT
I work alone.
Andy frowns and turns back to his desk. Dwight turns back to face Andy and whispers to him.
DWIGHT
Why, what ideas do you have?
INT – Office
A few minutes later, Phyllis is on the phone, talking softly.
PHYLLIS
Natalie chose Tony Romo and Jim picked Brian Westbrook.
PHYLLIS Talking Head:
I don’t really know too much about football. But I called Bob Vance of Vance Refridgeration, and he’s giving me some tips on how to play.
INT – Office
Phyllis is still on the phone.
PHYLLIS
Ok, so I should pick Tom Brady. (beat) Thanks Bob. (beat) Love you too, bye.
INT – Office
The camera focuses on the copy machine by reception. Jim is making copies as Andy approaches him.
ANDY
Hey dude. What's the haps?
JIM
What?
ANDY
What's... what's going on?
JIM
Nothing much. What's going on with you, Andy?
ANDY
What? What makes you think something's going on?
JIM
...Ok.
ANDY
Because nothing's going on. Not one thing.
The camera focuses on Dwight who goes behind Jim's desk and secretly takes Jim's chair and wheels it into the kitchen.
JIM
I believe you.
ANDY
Good.
There's a long pause as Jim continues copying his papers, and Andy fidgets beside him.
ANDY
So. Whatcha copying?
JIM
Good talking to you, Andy.
ANDY
Check you later, Tuna.
Andy returns to his desk and Jim looks over at Natalie.
JIM
He's getting weirder.
NATALIE
Yeah.
Jim turns back to his desk and realizes his chair is missing. He immediately looks at Natalie.
JIM
Ok.
Natalie looks up from her desk curiously.
JIM
What did you do with my chair?
NATALIE
I didn't touch your chair.
JIM
Come on. I know it's your last day, and you probably have a list of pranks to pull on people, very funny. Give me back my chair.
NATALIE
I don't have it.
JIM
I know you took it.
NATALIE
I assure you. I did not. Maybe the paper fairy took it. Occupational hazard.
JIM
This isn't funny.
NATALIE
Hey, I'm just as worried as you are that there's a chair stealer on the loose. I mean, how can we do our job without chairs? It's impossible.
Jim surveys the office for his chair.
JIM
Where is my...
INT - Men's bathroom
Dwight is wheeling Jim's chair into the bathroom as Creed emerges from a stall.
CREED
I'll give you thirteen dollars for that chair.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Still don't own anything.
Chapter End Notes:
I'd love to hear what you think....
