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Story Notes:
This will make more sense if you've seen Talladega Nights.
Author's Chapter Notes:
In response to Strider's challenge "I'm not dead"

(It's not too far over 700 words Sorry, I tried.)
Early Monday morning at the Scranton branch set after GoodbyeToby:

[MICHAEL coming out of his office] Listen up people, Movie Monday time will be shifted to 1:30 today because I have a dental appointment this morning. Remember, second half of Talladega Nights, Will Farrell in his underwear. [Michael giggles inappropriately]

[KEVIN TALKING HEAD] Sometimes I bet on NASCAR. [smiles]

[JIM walks over to Pam’s desk] Listen, Beesly, I just realized my driver’s license is about to expire and today’s the 31st. I’m going out at lunch to take care of renewing, so will you let me know what I miss in the movie if I get back a little late from lunch?

[PAM] Shake and bake, Halpert. [they bump fists]

********************************************

It’s 1:30 pm and people are filing into the conference room for the movie, Dwight comes rushing into the office:

[DWIGHT is puffing and caries a small container into the office kitchen, putting it into the refrigerator quickly. He looks at the camera, grinning and sneaky] I went to the farmer’s meat market to get some fresh goose liver for Garbage. It’s very nutritious and he loves it.

[DWIGHT hurries into conference room after most people are already seated, Michael is looking impatient] Sorry I’m late Michael, I got caught in a horrible traffic jam on my. . .lunch errand. [Dwight gives Angela a “special” look] There was a bad accident over by the municipal buildings on 5th. I’m fully trained in CPR so I got out to offer my assistance, but I was not needed. They already had the victim in a body bag. His car was hit by a drunk driver.

[MEREDITH looks down at her big plastic cup with the straw]

[DWIGHT continues] It was a silver Saab, just like Jim’s, smashed flat. Fact: Saabs are no safer than domestic cars, just like I’ve been telling you, Jim. [Dwight looks around room, as to most of the other employees] Where’s Jim?

[ANDY] Yeah, where's Tuna?

[PHYLLIS] Maybe he’s in the bathroom.


[PAM sitting very still – the color is gone from her face, speaks quietly] Jim went out at lunch to get his license renewed.

[CREED TALKING HEAD] He should have come to me, I would have done it for half price.

[The room is very quiet, and then KELLY pipes up] Don’t worry Pam, there are, like, at least seven or eight silver Saabs in Scranton.

[Angela glares at Kelly]

[MICHAEL is trying to think of something to say, when his phone goes off] Jan, not now. . . What? . . . Now?. . . Oh My God. I’m coming.

[OSCAR] What is it Michael?

[MICHAEL] I’m having a baby! Start the movie without me. My water’s broken. Oh My God, where are my keys?

[DWIGHT runs into Michael’s office and gets his keys and a previously prepared baby bag] Here Michael, I hope there isn’t large tear in the perineum.

[OSCAR] What about Jim, Michael? What if. . . [OSCAR motions his eyes toward PAM and whispers to Michael]. . . what if Jim was hit by that drunk driver?

[MICHAEL] Ohshhh, Jim’s probably at Ben and Jerry’s or something. I’m having a baby, I’ve got to go.

[As Michael runs out the door, PHYLLIS goes over to put her hand on Pam’s shoulder] Why don’t you call Jim’s cell phone?
[Pam looks scared and shakes her head ‘No’]

[KEVIN] Can we watch the rest of the movie while Pam calls, I wanna see the hot girl.

[rest of the employees give him dirty looks and murmur among themselves]

[MICHAEL exits the elevator downstairs, almost running into Jim, who’s eating one ice cream cone and carrying another] Jim, there you are. Do you have a blue light or something I can put on my car, I’m having a baby.

[JIM surprised] Uh. No. Those are illegal, Michael.

[MICHAEL] Oh, you’re no help. Just go up there and tell them it’s you, and you’re not dead, will you?

[JIM] What?

[MICHAEL] Just do it, or you’re fired.

[JIM shrugs] Okay Michael. Hey, good luck, man.

[as Jim gets on the elevator, he hears MICHAEL exclaim] I wanna go fast!

[Jim walks in the office door upstairs and proceeds to the conference room, poking his head inside. ALL EMPLOYEES say or yell] Jim!

[JIM] Yes, it’s me. And I’m not dead. Michael told me to say that or I was fired. What’s going on? And Beesly, take this cone will ya, it’s dripping on me.

[Pam walks over to Jim and hugs him very tight, and Jim has to hold the cones out at arm’s length]

[JIM] Pam? Would somebody tell me what’s going on?

[Later in the afternoon, MEREDITH is at her desk and googles Alcoholics Anonymous Scranton PA. She writes down the number.]

[Jim and Pam walk out of the office at 5 pm, holding hands]

[PAM] Hey.

[JIM smiles] Wanna go get thrown out of Applebee’s?

[PAM] Only if it’s tougher than Chili’s. I need a challenge.

[They laugh as camera fades]
Chapter End Notes:
I've never tried one of these before, it was fun.


jazzfan is the author of 16 other stories.
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