ACT THREE

INT. OFFICE – OUTSIDE MICHAEL’S OFFICE – D2

Michael is standing outside his office door, holding a PIECE OF PAPER. Kelly now is in the office, too, standing in front of the copier.

MICHAEL
(weirdly but excitedly)
Okay, loyal Dunder Mifflinites. It is time to partake one of my personal favorite activities–

JIM
Scene It, “Ghostwriter.”

MICHAEL
You found it?!

KEVIN
We’re going to Hooters?

PAM
We’re doing the People magazine crossword together?

JIM
We’re going to ... sit in the massage chairs at Brookstone.

PAM
No, Jim. We’re actually going to the Orange Julius stand.

JIM
(with admiration)
Nice.

MICHAEL
Shuuuut it. No. We are going to do a wilderness survival team-building exercise to welcome Kaitlin into our little family.

Dwight thrusts his fist into the air excitedly.

DWIGHT
Yes!

MICHAEL
No, Dwight. Right here in the office. I found it online. Two teams. One scenario. Your plane has crashed in the middle of winter in the woods and you have only–
(looking at the piece of paper)
–a ball of steel wool, a small ax–

DWIGHT
Oh, yeah.

MICHAEL
–a loaded 45-caliber pistol–

JIM
Yikes. Let’s keep that away from Dwight.

MICHAEL
–a can of Crisco shortening, one newspaper per person, a cigarette lighter without fluid, an extra shirt and pair of pants per person, a twenty by twenty-foot piece of heavy-duty canvas, a sectional air map made of plastic, one quart of 100-proof whiskey–

PAN OVER to Meredith, who suddenly perks up.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
–a compass and one family-size chocolate bar per person.

JIM
Question. Can I have a 100 Grand?

MICHAEL
Uh, I don’t think so. If you had a hundred grand, I don’t think you’d have a plane that would crash in the middle of some forest.

Jim smirks at the camera.

ANDY
(trying to impress Michael)
Wow, Michael, you really make me snicker. Right? Right?

Michael looks at Andy blankly. Andy’s face falls.

MICHAEL
(reading from the paper)
Each team’s task is to list the above twelve items in order of importance for survival as well as the uses for each item. It is mid-January in Canada–

PAM
Real Canada? Near the Eskimos? Or, like, Toronto?

MICHAEL
Does it look like I have a map, Pam?

PAM
Yes. You just said we have a sectional air map made of plastic.

MICHAEL
I don’t– No, that’s in the game, Pam. Try to keep up. Okay, you are all dressed for a business meeting. And the daily temperature is forty below zero.

Beat.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Wow. That’s crazy. ... So, time to pick teams.

KEVIN
Sweet.

KEVIN TALKING HEAD – CONFERENCE ROOM

KEVIN
I love drafts. I dominated our fantasy draft this year.

He breaks into a big smile.

INT. OFFICE – OUTSIDE MICHAEL’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS – D2

MICHAEL
That’s right. We’re having a draft. So no dodging. That means you, Creed.
(quietly, to Jim)
Speaking of which, when’s our fantasy football draft? I haven’t heard anything about it yet.

JIM
(quickly)
Um, I’ll let you know.

MICHAEL
All right. First thing’s first. Captains. Uhhhhhh, um-um-um-um-um, Jim and ... Dwight. Rock, paper, scissors for first pick. Best two out of three.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD – CONFERENCE ROOM

DWIGHT
I am a rock, paper, scissors machine. If Deep Blue could play rock, paper, scissors ... I would be Deep Blue’s archnemesis. Dwight Kasparov.

INT. OFFICE – JIM AND DWIGHT’S DESKS – CONTINUOUS – D2

Jim and Dwight are standing face-to-face. On the first round, Dwight shoots rock. Jim shoots thumbs-up.

DWIGHT
(upset)
What is that? That’s not rock, paper or scissors.

Jim looks around like, “What? Was that wrong?” They shoot again. Dwight again shoots rock. Jim shoots the number three.

DWIGHT
Fine, Jim. If you refuse to take this seriously, I will take first pick.

Beat.

DWIGHT (CONT’D)
Pam.

PAM
(loudly, with a hint of sarcasm)
Yesss!

She gets up and begins to walk toward Dwight.

JIM
Oooh. Sure about that?
(to Pam)
You’re going down, Ki-Jana.

Kevin laughs.

PAM TALKING HEAD – OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA

Pam is sitting at her computer.

PAM
After several minutes of intense Google searching, I think I figured out the reference.
(quickly reading from the screen)
Ki-Jana Carter is a former star running back for the Penn State Nittany Lions. He was selected with the number-one overall pick in the 1995 NFL Draft but tore his anterior cruciate ligament on the third carry of his first preseason game and never fully recovered. He is widely considered one of the biggest draft busts in league history.

Beat.

PAM (CONT’D)
(jokingly)
Oh, we’ll see, Jim. We’ll see.

INT. OFFICE – JIM AND DWIGHT’S DESKS – CONTINUOUS – D2

JIM
Kev.

DWIGHT
Angela.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD – CONFERENCE ROOM

DWIGHT
Why did I pick Pam before Angela? Simple. Strategy. Remove the player my opponent otherwise would have picked first and thereby severely cripple his chances to defeat me. In times like these, personal feelings must be set completely aside.

INT. OFFICE – JIM AND DWIGHT’S DESKS – CONTINUOUS – D2

JIM
Phyllis.

DWIGHT
Holly.

JIM
Okay. Andy.
(quickly)
Uh, Drew.

DWIGHT
Stanley.

JIM
Creed.

CREED TALKING HEAD – CONFERENCE ROOM

CREED
Oh, I’ve been in this exact situation plenty of times. Plane crash in the woods. Got to survive in the wild.

He nods his head confidently.

CREED (CONT’D)
Plenty of times.

INT. OFFICE – JIM AND DWIGHT’S DESKS – CONTINUOUS – D2

DWIGHT
Meredith.

JIM
Kelly.

DWIGHT
Oscar.

MICHAEL
Annnd Kaitlin, you’re on Jim’s team. Okay, everybody. Take your places.

PHYLLIS
Our places?

MICHAEL
Just split up into your teams. We’ll reconvene in an hour and see what you came up with.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – LATER – D2

Jim, Kevin, Phyllis, Andy, Creed, Kelly and Kaitlin are sitting around the conference table. Creed is blatantly staring at Kaitlin, who is flanked by Andy and Kevin.

KAITLIN
I just think that the newspapers might be important. I mean, we could, like, burn them, use them for fuel for the fire.

ANDY
Excellent idea, Kaitlin. Excellent.

KAITLIN
I mean, I don’t know, I think that might be a good idea. What do you guys think?

ANDY
I think it’s an excellent idea.

Kaitlin smiles politely. Just then, Michael bursts through the door.

MICHAEL
(in a high-pitched voice)
Hey, hey, hey! What is going on here?
(to camera)
Zack Morris, Saved By the Bell.

PAN OVER to Jim, who shakes his head slowly in mock disappointment and mouths “Mister Belding.”

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
So, whaddya got so far?

Kevin picks up a PIECE OF PAPER sitting on the table in front of him.

KEVIN
(reading from the paper)
Kelly wants to keep the newspapers to read, but only if they have Page Six.

JIM
They don’t.

KEVIN
(still reading)
Creed wants to throw away the lighter because it has no lighter fluid, so it’s definitely worthless. Jim wants to keep the lighter because it can make sparks, even without lighter fluid. Kaitlin wants to burn the newspapers in the fire. We’re all over the place here, Michael.

MICHAEL
You know what? I’m adding another item. A CD. And a CD Walkman.

JIM
Discman.

MICHAEL
Discman. Whatever.

JIM
Waaas our plane actually a time machine to 1997?

MICHAEL
(shaking off Jim)
What? No?

Beat.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
(looking at Kaitlin)
I definitely would have a Dave Matthews CD in my Discman. Probably, like, All Along the Watchtower. I don’t– I don’t know, though. Maybe.

Kaitlin looks confused and sort of creeped out.

INT. BREAK ROOM – D2

Dwight, Pam, Angela, Holly, Stanley, Meredith and Oscar are sitting around two tables, which have been pushed together.

DWIGHT
No. Ridiculous. Does anyone have a serious suggestion? Because Holly obviously does not.

HOLLY TALKING HEAD – ANNEX – HOLLY’S DESK

HOLLY
We played this exact same game at the last place I worked.

CUT TO CLOSE IN of a SHEET OF PAPER on which Dwight has written two categories: “Essential Items” and “Non-Essential Items.”

HOLLY (CONT’D) (V.O.)
When we found out the answers, the cigarette lighter was the most important, then the steel wool, then the extra clothes, then the Crisco.

CUT TO CLOSE IN of the “Non-Essential Items” category. Dwight writes “Cig Lighter, Crisco, Steel Wool, Newspapers.”

HOLLY (CONT’D) (V.O.)
By far the least important were the whiskey, the compass and the map.

CUT TO CLOSE IN of the “Essential Items” category. Dwight writes “Pistol, Ax, Map, Compass.”

OSCAR TALKING HEAD – 3RD FLOOR HALLWAY

OSCAR
Dwight always talks a big game about being this mountain man, outdoors-savvy, know-it-all-type guy.

Beat.

OSCAR (CONT’D)
I’m not really sure why.

STANLEY TALKING HEAD – 3RD FLOOR HALLWAY

STANLEY
If I am ever in a plane crash with Dwight Schrute in the middle of nowhere and we both survive, let me tell you: There are only two items that I will care about. The liquor and the gun.

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA – D2

Michael is standing alone, holding a SHARPIE and a PIECE OF PAPER and looking at his WRISTWATCH. A large FLIP CHART has been set up on the counter. At the top is written the headline “The 1st Annual Welcome to Dunder Mifflin, Kaitlin, Wilderness Survival Challenge.” The chart has been divided into two columns: “Jim’s Team” and “Dwight’s Team.” A line that reads “Total Score:” has been written in each column.

MICHAEL
(yelling)
Ohhhhhhhhhh...kay! Time’s up! Everybody come on in. Gather around, gather around.

Everybody files into the main office from their respective rooms. The members of each team gather together. In general, everyone looks a bit annoyed with one another.

PHYLLIS
So what happens now, Michael?

DWIGHT
(smugly)
Total domination.

MICHAEL
No, Dwight. That is not the spirit of the game. We’re trying to bring everyone together here. It doesn’t matter who beats who.

STANLEY
Whom.

MICHAEL
Sorry. It doesn’t matter whom beats who.

JIM
Thennn ... why does each column say “Total Score”?

MICHAEL
It’s– Well, it’s to see who wins.

Jim looks at the camera.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
(to Jim)
Team One, please read off your answers in order of most important to least important.

Long beat, as Jim stares at Michael, expressionless.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Jim, Team One. Read your answers.

JIM
Oh. Sorry. You said Team One.
(pointing at the flip chart)
I thought we were called Jim’s Team.

Kaitlin laughs quietly. Pam shoots Jim a questioning look. Jim gives a helpless shrug back.

JIM (CONT’D)
Okay. We said the lighter was most important. Then the extra clothes, then the canvas, then the steel wool, then the Crisco, then the candy bars, then the ax, then the gun, then the newspapers, then the whiskey, then the compass, then the map.

Michael writes it all down in order.

MICHAEL
Okay, good. Berry, berry good. Team two? What did you have?

DWIGHT
(very seriously)
One: The 45. To fend off bear attacks. Two: Compass. To determine direction. Three: Map. To find nearest Eskimo village to get help. Four: Ax. To fend off bear attacks when bullets run out. Five: Chocolate bars. To lure bears into open, where they can be neutralized.

Jim WHISTLES.

JIM
Wow. Lots of bears around.

DWIGHT
Six: Whiskey. To fuel fire. Seven: The canvas. To fuel fire. Eight: Extra clothes. To fuel fire. Nine: Newspapers. To fuel fire. Ten: Crisco. Eleven: Ball of steel wool. Twelve: Cigarette lighter.

Michael writes it all down in order.

PHYLLIS
How are you going to start the fire?

DWIGHT
That is none of your concern.

OSCAR
No, Dwight -- how are we going to start the fire?

DWIGHT
None of your concern, either.

Oscar looks amused.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD – CONFERENCE ROOM

DWIGHT
Why would I reveal my method for starting a fire to my fellow survivors? So they can off me and have more supplies for themselves? Please.

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA – MOMENTS LATER – D2

Michael is looking back and forth from the paper in his hand to the flip chart.

MICHAEL
Okay. The results are in annnnnd ... Jim’s team wins in a landslide. You got the most important thing right as well as the three least important things. And everything else you put was close to being in the right order.

The members of Jim’s team half-sarcastically smile at one another.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Dwight: You and all your team is dead. You got the order almost exactly right. Unfortunately you also got it almost exactly backwards.

PAN OVER to Dwight, who looks incredulous.

JIM
(to Pam)
Yeeeeesh. You almost gotta try to lose that badly.

Just then, Kaitlin comes up behind Jim. She grabs Jim’s arm and he turns around. She smiles flirtatiously. Kevin and Andy look on, forlornly.

KAITLIN
(joking)
Good job, fearless leader. Thank you for saving my life.

Jim gives an awkward half-laugh. PAN OVER to Pam, who flashes the camera a wide-eyed look.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD – MICHAEL’S OFFICE

MICHAEL
Was today a success? Well, let’s see. We hired a new employee, who absolutely loves Dunder Mifflin. I am about to meet dozens of gorgeous, available women on the Internet. And we played an awesome team-building game that really brought everybody in the office even closer together. So, yeah. Definitely. A big success.

END OF ACT THREE

TAG

INT. OFFICE – JIM AND DWIGHT’S DESKS – DAY 3

Dwight and Jim are sitting at their respective desks, working on their computers. Jim subtly nods to the camera. ZOOM IN on Dwight’s computer screen, where a NEW E-MAIL NOTIFICATION pops up. The e-mail is from “Welcome to MySpace” and the subject line reads, “MySpace Account Confirmation.” Dwight clicks on it. PAN OVER to Jim, who can barely contain his laughter.

DWIGHT
Dammit!

He pounds his fist on his desk.

DWIGHT (CONT’D)
Jiiiiiim!

JIM TALKING HEAD – CONFERENCE ROOM

JIM
It’s scary how much personal info I know about Dwight Kurt Schrute -- and how much of it I blantantly falsified to make that account.