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Conversations with Other People's Exes
by Steph

Summary: If he was being completely honest, he didn’t mind either of their phone calls. It was nice having phone friends.

Rating: PG-13 or so, just for language

Spoilers/Timeline: I guess up to and including Moroccan Christmas, plus the deleted scene from Baby Shower where Holly and Toby talk on the phone. And it's not a spoiler or anything, but one scene is somewhat inspired by one of the recent Oscar webisodes, where Oscar goes to talk to Toby and Paul Lieberstein mumbles his way through the entire scene and was just impossible for me to understand.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

--

Karen was the one to call him. She said that Kendall in New York was kind of a jerk and did Toby have time to answer a few questions about health plans for new hires because Kendall was supposedly too busy and Utica still didn’t have an HR rep to call their very own.

“Sure,” Toby said, because he had plenty of time. He was doing a half-assed review of some of Dwight’s complaints from the past year and would happily welcome any distraction.

He answered her questions and after a long silence he tried to think of some kind of small talk. He considered asking her about New York, about being in charge, but small talk wasn’t his forte so he stayed silent and tapped his pen against his desk and wondered if anyone would notice if he left early to go to a doctor’s appointment.

Probably not.

“So,” Karen said, startling him from his thoughts, “How’s...?” She paused.

He knew where this was going. How should he answer her? They were great, he thought to himself. They were engaged and adorable and madly in love and walking on air and every possible cliche you could think of. They were wonderful and glowing and you could almost hate them for their happiness and yeah you were ashamed of your bitterness and envy and everything else so you just stood clear of them even as part of you wanted to be around them to study them and take notes to learn their secrets in the hopes that someday you’d get to feel a fraction of their happiness.

Yeah. He wasn’t going to say all that to Karen of all people.

“Sarah.”

“What?” he asked, confused.

“How’s Sarah?”

“Who?”

Now Karen sounded confused. “Your daughter?”

“Sasha,” He looked at the picture near his computer, a recent one with her hair in braids and a smile on her face that always reminded him that there was at least one good thing in his life. “She’s great.”

“Good,” she said.

“I thought,” he said slowly, “you were going to ask about--”

Karen laughed. It was sharp and he regretted saying anything. “Nope. I already know they’re engaged. For some reason, Michael likes to keep me updated on things going on in your office. Seriously. He emails me every few days with every single stupid thing going on. I’ve told him I don’t care, but he keeps on emailing.”

“Huh.”

“I should go,” she said. “But thanks for the HR info.”

“You’re welcome,” he said and hung up the phone.

--

He was the one to call Holly. Some of the files and notes she had taken were incomprehensible, filled with doodles and initials that he couldn’t figure out.

“Oh!” she exclaimed when he pointed this out to her. She laughed. “I was bored one day so I made up my own code. I completely forgot about that.”

Code? He was often bored at this job and found little ways here and there to occupy himself, but he had never considered making up his own code. Never would have thought to transcribe notes in this made up code.

“Fax everything over to me,” she said, “and I’ll rewrite it for you. Unless,” she said, and there was a hint of amusement in her voice, “you want me to send you a decoder page and you can work on it yourself. Might be fun.”

He looked at the page of random shapes and squiggles, lightning bolts and stars. “Do you mind if I just fax it?”

“No that’s fine,” she said, all amusement gone. Back to business. “Thanks, Toby. I’ll get right on it.”

“Thank you,” he said and hung up the phone.

--

“I feel like we’re on a game show or something,” Karen said a few days later after he had answered another question. “‘Stump the HR Rep.’”

“You do have a lot of questions lately,” he said. “Is something going on?”

She sighed. “Just little things. Someone quit unexpectedly. Someone got hired. People have questions. People complain just to complain. Stuff like that. It’s different being the boss.”

“I bet,” he said.

“Not that I’m bitching,” she said quickly. “I do like this job. A lot. It’s so much easier being here.”

“Hmm.”

“Hey,” she said, her voice brightening. “Didn’t you go on some exciting beach vacation or something? How was it?”

Fantastic. He was magically tan and happy and fixed now.

“Well,” he said. “I broke my neck zip lining and spent the whole trip in traction. Oh except for my first day and last day there where I was able to take a few pictures.”

Karen laughed.

He didn’t.

“Wait,” she said. “Wait. You’re serious?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.” Another few seconds of uncomfortable silence. “I guess Michael doesn’t email me everything that goes on there.”

--

“Meredith scared me,” Holly whispered into the phone. “Just a little.”

“Really?” Toby asked.

“She didn’t like me. And I have no idea why.”

“Well, I can empathize with someone not liking you,” he said. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Hey. How are you feeling? Back to normal?”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “Not quite yet. Still have regular doctor appointments. And lots of therapy.” He paused. “For my neck I mean. Physical therapy.”

He should probably look into getting the other kind of therapy as well.

“Right,” Holly said. “So can I ask you something?”

He looked at the pile of work next to him. “Sure.”

“Remember when we were talking when you were in the hospital? And you said you’d rather be alone in the hospital than back at work?”

He knew what was coming. “Uh huh.”

“Why did you come back?”

It was a question he had asked himself as well. And he gave her the only answer he had.

“I had nowhere else to go.”

“I’m starting to know that feeling,” Holly said.

--

“Do you think that David Wallace is ever going to do interviews for the open position? I thought he would have immediately after Ryan’s....” At this, Karen snorted. “Ryan’s downfall. But the position still hasn’t been filled.”

“I have no idea,” Toby said. “Are you interested?”

“Yes,” she said. “Of course I am. I’m going to interview and this time I’ll be more prepared and have more management experience and I’ll just wow him with my greatness.”

“I’m sure you will.”

The pile by his desk was not getting any smaller. And he needed to talk to Dwight and Jim about certain issues, to Creed about several complaints and he really needed to have some kind of private sit-down with Meredith.

If she’d let him.

“I bet Michael won’t be allowed to interview.”

Toby didn’t have an answer to that so he just stared at his computer. Typed out a simple email about noise levels in the office (another Angela complaint) and sent it out knowing that it would be ignored and deleted by everyone.

“I wonder if Jim will interview again.”

Toby turned his attention back to her. “I...I really don’t know, Karen.”

“Well, if he tells you he’s applying for the job which may or may not even exist anymore will you let me know? It’s not that I care what he’s doing with his life, I just want to know if he’s going to be my competition.”

So that was it. That was why Karen kept calling him. To report back to her. It made him feel uneasy.

“Jim and I don’t really talk much, Karen.”

Which was a little bit of an understatement. And Toby only had himself to blame.

“No big deal,” she said. “I’ll give you a call soon.”

“Okay,” he said and went back to his work.

--

Holly called him often. Karen had reasons - HR questions - and what he assumed was an ulterior motive - getting information about Jim, but Holly just seemed to want to talk.

That was okay. He didn’t mind her phone calls.

If he was being completely honest, he didn’t mind either of their phone calls. It was nice having phone friends.

He suddenly felt almost popular.

It was weird.

“I don’t know if I’m happy here,” Holly confessed. “I mean I’m from here and everything and the people are nice and I’m trying but it just isn’t the same as Scranton.”

“That would probably be a good thing,” he remarked dryly before remembering that not everyone’s experience in this office was the same as his.

Some people actually had fun here. Some people actually formed meaningful relationships here.

Just not him.

“And,” Holly continued, “I’m just kind of...” She took a deep breath. “Lonely. Pathetic, isn’t it?”

Please. She was talking to the most pathetic person around. Someone who knew very well what it was like to be lonely.

“No,” he reassured her. “Not at all.”

He was about to ask her if she wanted to speak to Michael (because Kelly had filled him in on that whole situation), but Holly spoke first.

“Toby?”

“Yes?”

She took another deep breath before saying, “Never mind.”

--

Karen wasn’t lying when she said she’d be calling soon. She called three days later and kept the conversation Jim-free. She was a talker, he learned, an analyzer, and while he was on the line she discussed pros and cons of talking to David Wallace immediately about the vacant position. The pros and cons of being a go-getter and talking to him now versus waiting and doing nothing.

Karen, normally, was not a wait and do nothing type of girl.

“I think,” he began, “if you really want this job and it sounds like you do then you should call...”

“What?” Karen asked. “I can’t understand you, Toby. Has anyone ever told you that you need to enunciate?”

She actually sounded annoyed.

“Uh...”

“I’m serious. It’s so hard to understand you on the phone sometimes. Open your mouth all the way when you speak. You mumble and slur your words too much. You want people to understand you when you speak, don’t you?”

“I suppose.”

“It’s like the verbal equivalent of slouching. You’re a sloucher too, right? I can’t remember exactly, but I can sort of see you as a sloucher. So you won’t be noticed or something.”

Where was all this coming from? Other than these last few weeks of phone conversations, they barely knew each other.

But yeah he was kind of a sloucher. His ex-wife used to complain about it.

“Well...”

“Maybe that should be a New Year’s resolution. Opening your mouth when you speak and standing up straight.”

He laughed, self-conscious, because this conversation had taken a really odd and intimate turn. “Thank you for the advice. But it’s not a big deal.”

“Just think about it,” she said. She sounded more distracted than annoyed now. “I should go, but I’ll call you later.”

“Alright,” he said and hung up the phone.

That was weird.

--

Toby and Kelly were eating together in the break room that day when, feeling sheepish, he asked her if she ever noticed him slouching and mumbling.

She looked up from her pasta, a giddy grin spreading across her face. Of course she noticed! And she was going to make him better. She jumped up and demonstrated how he should be standing and how he should be talking loudly instead of mumbling oh and wearing better colors and not wanting to disappear in boring brown clothes. She wrote down awesome colors and patterns, styles, and brands for him to memorize, and she was so prepared that part of him wondered if, from the moment she first met him, she had been eagerly anticipating the day he would finally come to his senses and ask her for much-needed advice.

--

Holly sounded even sadder when she spoke to Toby next.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I keep calling you because you have a friendly voice and I know I’m just monopolizing your time. You’ve probably got so much more important things to do.”

“Not really,” he said. “Hey. I have to ask you something. Do you think I enunciate when I speak?”

Holly laughed. “No. Not at all. You’re kind of a mush mouth.”

“Thanks.”

“I like your voice though. I think someone should make a tape of you reading something and insomniacs could listen to it at night and it would put them right to sleep.”

That was kind of harsh. She had said something similar when she had first met him. Said it in front of Michael.

No wonder Michael had been crazy about her. Insulting Toby was probably the quickest way to Michael’s heart.

“Yeah,” Holly continued. “Your voice is just so soft and soothing it would relax anyone. You could probably hypnotize someone with your voice and get them to do your bidding.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he said, not feeling hurt anymore.

--

“Sorry,” Karen said. “My intentions were good, but I was really insulting. I’ve been stressed out lately and my good intentions got sort of lost in bossiness. But I do think that speaking more clearly and standing up straighter might help you in the long run.”

Well he certainly did need help.

“It’s okay,” he said. “Forget it. And Kelly agrees with you about slouching. So you were right about that.”

“I apologize anyway. I was obnoxious. Hey where were you before? I got voicemail.”

“We had a party for Kevin’s birthday. Michael likes celebrating birthdays.”

“I remember. He nearly gave me a heart attack when he jumped out from behind the door for my birthday. I can only imagine what he does for yours.”

“Nothing,” Toby said. He had practiced this, practiced sounding indifferent over something so insignificant as ignored birthdays. “No cake, no card, no celebration. Nothing.”

“What about the Party Planning Committee? Crazy Angela doesn’t do anything?”

“No.”

“Well, what about Pam? I thought the office sweetheart was a friend to all.”

He didn’t answer her. He could hear the sarcasm in her voice and didn’t feel like responding to it. Karen had her reasons for feeling whatever she felt, but he considered Pam somewhat of a friend (and he was now finally acting appropriately around her again) so he ignored Karen’s last statement and simply said, “My birthday is the only one that doesn’t get celebrated.” He was ready to change the subject. “It’s really okay.”

“No,” Karen said. And she sounded kind of pissed off when she said, “It’s really not.”

--

When Pam buzzed him a few days later and asked him to come to reception and bring his ID with him, he sighed loudly. Heartwarming memories of caprese salad and policemen patting him down filled his head and slouching, slumping, driver’s license in hand, he made his way to the front wondering what Michael and Dwight had plotted this time.

He was not expecting a deliveryman holding up a basket of baked goods. Cookies and muffins and brownies and little cakes.

“What’s that?” he asked. It could still be a trick.

“It’s for you,” Pam said and she seemed happy for him and he found himself smiling back at her before reminding himself to be proper and looking away.

“I was instructed,” the deliveryman said, “to only give this to you after you showed ID as there was a chance someone would intercept this before you’d get it.” He looked around the office warily. “What kind of weird ass place is this?”

Toby showed his ID and opened the card.

I don’t know when your actual birthday is, but I wanted to get you something because it sucks to be ignored. And I made them ask you for your ID because I worried Michael or someone would take your stuff before you even knew it was there.

Karen

PS - Don’t share this with any of your coworkers.
PPS - Unless they’re nice to you. But eat most of it yourself.


Still in shock, he took his unopened basket of goodies into the annex. Stared at it for a second.

“What’s that?”

“Treats,” he said not taking his eyes of the basket to look at Kelly. “Because my birthday’s always ignored here.”

“Cool,” Kelly said. “Well not cool that it’s ignored. Because that just kind of sucks.”

He nodded. Found himself slouching and straightened himself up a little bit. He thought about all the recent posture and fashion discussions he and Kelly had shared. Well it was more lectures than back-and-forth discussions, but he still did appreciate that she honestly wanted to help him. And lately she had been bringing him back cake or cookies from all the parties he didn’t feel like attending.

She was often very nice to him.

He said, “Hey, Kelly, do you mind doing me a favor?”

“What?”

He turned around. Smiled at her. She smiled back. “Go in the kitchen and get some napkins and forks. You and I are going to have a feast.”

She clapped her hands. “Awesome!”

--

He was just finishing up a peanut butter chocolate brownie when Holly called. She told him what she was doing at work - new fun seminars and meetings she was leading. She would see which ones were the most successful and email the details in case he wanted to use her ideas for Scranton.

Which was thoughtful of her, but really the idea of him leading songs and dances about telephone etiquette and dental plans was so crazy that he couldn’t help but laugh. And then apologize and explain that her ideas sounded great and creative but he wasn’t really that animated of a guy and not much of a singer, preferring to do it only if a certain eight-year-old was singing off-key alongside him.

Holly didn’t seem bothered by this and instead started telling him about a few classes she was taking: yoga, ceramics and vegetarian cooking. Oh and she got a turtle, but she hadn’t named it yet.

“A turtle,” he repeated. He looked over at the basket of treats. He would see if Kelly wanted anything else, take a few of the cookies home for him and Sasha and put the rest in the kitchen for everyone else.

There was no way the two of them could finish this.

Holly told him she had made some friends at her classes so she was more occupied and less lonely than before, but there was something sort of off in her voice, a forced cheerfulness that he found familiar, and he asked, kindly, if she wanted to speak to Michael.

“Am I calling too much?” she asked. “I’m bothering you.”

She suddenly sounded near tears and he told her, no, no of course not, but maybe she’d feel better if she talked to Michael.

“I don’t know,” Holly said. “He’s probably mad at me. For leaving. It was weird how everything ended. And I don’t know if he went back to Jan and the baby.”

“The baby?”

Had Kelly said anything to him about a baby?

No. You know what? He didn’t want to know.

--

This, Toby thought to himself, would be his good deed for the day. The month. The year.

He knocked lightly on Michael’s door.

“Come in,” he called and when Michael saw him he groaned and said, “Not you. God. Why would you think I would ever want to see you?”

“Michael,” he said, choosing to ignore that as he chose to ignore most things, “it’s about Holly. I wondered if--”

“No!” Michael yelled. “I never, ever want to hear you say her name. You turn a beautiful thing like the love I shared with her ugly and creepy just by thinking about it and I won’t have it. Get out.”

Toby nodded and closed the door, mumbling about just trying to help.

Why had he expected anything different?

--

“You’re probably wondering why I’ve been calling you so damned much,” Karen said bluntly.

“I don’t know,” he said. “It’s okay.”

“Well, I do appreciate you answering all my questions. And letting me debate my options about the job with you. You’ve worked there for awhile and know how Corporate works so I just wanted to see what you thought.”

“Sure.”

“I know I asked you about Jim before, but please pretend I didn’t. That was just beneath me.”

“Sure,” he repeated.

“I didn’t catch you in the middle of something, did I?”

“No,” he said. “Michael’s having a meeting that I was kicked out of which is fine.”

“Are you playing solitaire?”

“Minesweeper today,” he said. “Oh I wanted to tell you that Kelly’s threatened to set up a MySpace page for me. I told her I didn’t want one, but she didn’t really care.”

Karen laughed. “Prepare yourself for lots of pink. And let me know the second it’s up.” Toby could hear the sounds of her typing something before she said, “I have something else to say.”

“Okay. This isn’t anything more about my posture, is it?”

“No. I wanted to tell you that I really enjoy talking to you. I’m tempted to tell you all these other things about my life just to hear your thoughts. Not just work stuff, but other things. Like my recently improved love life.”

“Well...”

“Don’t worry. I won’t. But I’m tempted because you’re a really good listener and give good advice,” she said. “When you’re not mumbling and I can actually understand it that is. You’re really good at your job,”

“Thank you,” he said. He flushed with the compliment. “Lately,” he admitted, “I don’t feel like I’m good at my job.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I think I’ve just stopped...I don’t know... caring about a lot of things.”

He had never said it out loud, never discussed this weird sort of malaise and apathy he felt both before and after his failed Costa Rican excursion. This weird feeling that it didn’t matter what he did, his life was still going to be the same way it always was.

Which was crappy.

And why had he just admitted all this to her?

“Wow,” Karen said. “How about next time you call me and I’ll listen to all your issues rather than the other way around?”

“Well...maybe.”

Probably not. He was much more comfortable listening.

“I have one last thing to tell you,” she said. “Then I’ll let you get back to Minesweeper.”

“Sure,” he said, relaxing a little.

“This is the main reason I called you today. I talked to David Wallace. He said that they haven’t made any kind of decisions about anything right now and might not for awhile but he said that if and when they start interviewing they will definitely consider several possible internal candidates and would keep me in mind. He was really cool about it too and I have a good feeling about it.”

How nice it must be to be ambitious and enthusiastic, Toby thought. At one point, he had been like that.

Somewhat.

“Congratulations,” he said.

“Thanks,” she said. “I’ll keep you posted. And I’ll call you in a few days.”

“Okay,” he said and hung up the phone. He thought about what Karen had said.

Kelly wouldn’t really make his MySpace page pink, would she?

They should probably discuss that.

--

Toby didn’t get the joke that Holly had just told him.

“I don’t understand,” he said.

“The alien’s not really an alien at all.”

“Yeah. Still don’t get it. Sorry.”

“I’m talking your ear off again, aren’t I?”

“No.”

“I need to start asking you questions. How’s you day so far? Anything earth-shattering to report? Did you motivate and inspire your coworkers with a stirring seminar?”

“Now that would be earth-shattering,” he said. “Nope. Just getting through the day.”

“Do you think you made the wrong decision in coming back?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “Do you think you made the wrong decision in going back to New Hampshire?”

Nothing but breathing. Quiet breathing over the phone that didn’t require a response and allowed him to answer a few emails.

“Maybe,” she said. “I’m glad you’re there though. You’re a good listener.”

It was the second time in two days he had received the compliment. He thanked her, feeling a little uncomfortable.

“Sometimes I think I made the wrong decision,” Holly said softly. “I mean there were some weird things going on in your office, but I made some friends too. Like Oscar was nice. And Jim. And...” She didn’t finish her sentence.

Toby closed his eyes, suddenly exhausted. “Do you want to talk to Michael?”

He was not doing this for Michael, who hated him like no one had ever hated him and would never change, but for Holly, who had called him several times when he was recovering in the hospital and now called him just to talk and told him jokes about aliens and had named her turtle after him.

He wasn’t sure if he should be flattered or not, but it had made Sasha laugh when he told her.

“I don’t think he’ll want to talk to me, but...”

Suddenly he had a ridiculous thought, one that he was a little ashamed of. These last few weeks of listening and talking to Karen and Holly, maybe this had been exactly what he needed. Maybe it was what he needed to redeem himself and to help him remember that he used to be good at his job, used to like the idea of helping people before the depression and disinterest had changed him.

Maybe Karen and Holly had been helping him as much as he had been helping them.

Then again maybe he was just being ridiculous.

“Holly,” he said. Then he repeated in a firmer tone, “Do you want to talk to Michael?”

Just in case there was something to this theory of his.

“Okay,” she said after a very long pause. “Yes. Please.”

“Hold on. I’m transferring you.”

He did and, feeling like he was, at long last, doing something right, he hung up the phone.

the end


Steph is the author of 37 other stories.
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