Even in the swirling, chattering mass of people he was immediately obvious, the top of his head towering high above the rest of the crowd.  She could tell that he had gotten his hair cut since she had last seen him, removing the hair that always used to curl away from his neck so adorably.

            If she had not convinced herself to do this weeks before Pam might have made her excuses to Phyllis and slipped out of the hall without ever summoning the courage to approach him.  It had been so long and she had almost forgotten how handsome he was when he smiled and how lightheaded she felt whenever she was around him. 

            The ceremony had been simple, but beautiful.  Phyllis’ transformation from Pam’s frumpy co-worker into a bride was more than extraordinary.  Maybe she should have felt sad as she watched Phyllis glide down the aisle with small steps instead of her, but all she had felt were butterflies pounding against the walls of her stomach.  Butterflies of excitement and trepidation and anxiety because Jim was sitting in the pew three rows in front of her and she didn’t know if she could stand it if he had moved on.

            She blessed her small stature a hundred thousand times as she maneuvered through the hoards of wedding-goers at surrounding the buffet table towards where he was standing near the front of the line.  Yet when she got to him she found herself unable to reach out and grab his hand like she had been planning to.  Cursing her cowardice she tapped his shoulder instead.

            When he saw her she felt her heart swell as his face lit up with a smile and his eyes glowed.  For a moment, just one moment.  Then the happiness ran from his features as recollection returned. 

            “Hey,” she almost whispered.

            “Hi,” he answered, refusing to let his eyes slip from hers.

            “Can we… I dunno, talk?” she asked breathlessly.

            “Um, yeah, sure.”  Maybe she imagined it, but for a fleeting instant Pam was almost certain that she saw something like hope in his expressive eyes.  She beckoned him to a quieter corner of the room, away from her co-workers who were huddled in the other corner like the misfits they were, away from the cameras who were filming another spat between Michael and Jan.

            “So, um, I guess you probably heard that I didn’t – ”

            “Yeah, I heard.  From pretty much everyone except Angela… and you,” he replied, the hint of laughter in his life dying on his last words.

            “Listen, Jim, I’m sorry, I just – ”

            “No, don’t be.  It’s OK.  I mean, you had absolutely no obligation to tell me about it, right?”  For a moment she barely recognized his voice as his tone filled with an uncharacteristic bitterness.

            “That’s not it.”

            “Then why didn’t you tell me?”

            Pam tried to meet his eyes, but found that the emptiness and pain in them was too much for her to bear.  She hated herself for breaking him so badly, looking down and swallowing as silence stretched between them.

            “I’m sorry Pam.  I just can’t… I can’t do this anymore,” Jim said, his voice cracking.  He backed away from her slowly, his eyes cling to her, refusing to let go even as he furthered the distance between them. 

            “Jim, wait!” she cried desperately, feeling her heart catch in her throat.

            “I can’t wait anymore if there’s nothing for me to wait for,” he replied, finally turning away.    

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

            He had to get out of there now – he could feel the corners of his mind collapsing and he couldn’t be here surrounded by so many people. 

            Just seeing her face had undone all the progress he had made getting over her in the last five months.  If possible, hearing her voice had even made him fall a little bit more in love with her.

            These were just a few of the reasons that he couldn’t believe that he was actually walking away from her.

            When he had gotten back from Australia there had been six new messages on his machine and ten new emails in his inbox.  The first, surprisingly, was from Creed, who Jim hadn’t even expected to know that he was gone.

-_-

To: jhalpert@dundermifflin.com

From: cbratton@dundermifflin.com

Subject: (none)A

ngela’s not getting married.  Congrats, man.-_-

To: jhalpert@dundermifflin.com

From: plapin@dundermifflin.com

Subject: Wedding Off

Pam finally broke off the engagement!  I don’t know if you knew that already, but you should probably come and see her.  She says that she’s alright, but she looks pretty sad these days.  We miss you in Scranton! –Phyllis.

-_-

“Oh my God, Jim, it’s Kelly!  Pam just told us that she’s not marrying Roy and I know that you used to have this major thing for her, which I think is so cute by the way…”

            He had waited.  Waited and waited on tenterhooks for her email to show up, for her voice on his phone, for her to at least try to tell him.  He waited for weeks before finally accepting the fact that she wasn’t going to call.  Maybe he had been petty.  Maybe he should have called her, but he could never bring himself to.  He was tired of giving her his heart and having in bruised and broken when she turned him away.  If she wanted him then he was convinced that she would have to make the first move this time.

            She didn’t.

            And now here she was again, still looking guilty as she stood before him and still silent when he laid his soul out in front of her.  And he couldn’t be broken anymore because if he was there was a serious risk that he would never be fixed. 

            A small cool hand slipped into his as he pushed towards the door.  And there she was standing close behind him, finally meeting his eyes.  She looked so fragile and desperate and he was dismayed to find that he could never stop loving her.  He was at a loss for words, but she seemed to have plenty now.

            “Why do you love me?” she asked, tears budding in her eyes.

            “What?” he mumbled, caught completely off guard.

            “Why do you love me?” she repeated, swiping at her eyes.  “I’ve seen all the girls you date and they’re beautiful and confidant and graceful, and they always know exactly what to wear, and they haven’t hurt you – ”

            “Pam - ” he began, still barely daring to hope that his was actually happening. 

            “Why?” she demanded again, a tear escaping her fingers and running down her cheek.

            “You’re…” he said, trying to find the words that could explain to her all of the love that he had felt for her over four long years.  Trying to find the words that could tell her that he was dying to lean in and kiss her right now because she looked so vulnerable and beautiful and he didn’t even care that she hadn’t called anymore.  Trying to find the words that could give her the happiness that he was feeling because she was still holding his hand.

            “You’re you,” he said finally.  “You’re my best friend.”