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Author's Chapter Notes:
No copyright infringement intended. I own nothing but a deep and abiding love for the show.

 

 

I felt ready to burst.  That's all I know. In this body that wasn't my own - taken over by...boy or girl? I didn't know, but I had an overwhelming sense of boy.   Heavy with him, I waddled to the car.  The dress I'd been shoehorned into, stretching taught across the bump that lead the way into the dark parking lot.  I tried to maneuver the box full of my mother's old china and a cake plate into the backseat, but my body wouldn't cooperate. I shifted this way and that, and finally - sighing and tired, glanced towards the warehouse.

 

The warehouse.  The party - who's party? Was in the warehouse.  I called out to Roy and he didn't come. I needed help.  I was going to drop all the stupid dishes...

 

"Roy!...Roy!..."

 

Figured.  He was probably still in there, accepting his congratulations and pats on the back.  For what?

 

I couldn't seem to grasp anything but the cold and the hard ground beneath my sandaled feet.  My toes couldn't bear being shoved into anything that would cover them.  They were like whale's feet...if whales decided to have feet one day.

 

In the warehouse. Back there. No more dishes. Ready to go, but can't because there Roy is across the dance floor having just ‘One more song, babe.'  Just one more song.  That's ok...it's fun here.  My friends are here.  There's Jim.  I catch his eye and smile but he just stares at me for a moment, blankly and then he looks down at his shoes...shaking his head.

 

He's angry with me and he's going away.  I know it.  I feel it.  Have experienced it before somewhere deep in my soul, but somehow the wound still feels fresh tonight. 

 

It makes me so sad. So sad that I can barely breathe.  The world starts to close around me.  The music gets louder and louder and Roy is there.  He standing next to me now, one hand on my belly, his fingers spread wide.  He looks up at me, "Babe...the guys are thinkin' Poor Richards after this yeah?  We can get there just in time for last call?"

 

He was doing that thing where he was telling me, but phrasing it like a question.  "Roy I can't drink so..." and I knew my words were coming out jumbled because I still couldn't breathe. The painful lump in my throat that wouldn't go away made me sound like I was underwater.

 

He just shook his head at me because he couldn't understand.  "Ok then," he said.  "You want Angela to take you home?"

 

Angela to take me home?  Angela wasn't here.  Angela...Where was Angela?

 

My brain felt like mush.  Maybe this was what pregnancy did to you.

 

Jim!

 

I spun around remembering...and he wasn't in the corner anymore.  Oh God...oh God...

 

"I want to go home....Please I want to go home."  I was crying. Just like that.  I couldn't control the flow of tears. I turned because Roy's hand was inside of mine, but he was pulling away.  Still grinning at me like I wasn't upset.  Like everything was fine.  Like the world wasn't sinking beneath my feet.  Oh my God, oh my God...

 

"Please. I just want to go home..." I felt myself beg the words and they felt so real.  They felt so huge as they tumbled out of my mouth...my face hot.  Oh my God I really can't breathe...

 

My hands on my stomach...gasping.

 

Then...like cool water...A hand on my face...

 

"Hey...hey...wake up...You're ok...Hey...it's a dream...that stupid dream."

 

Oh God it hurt...

 

"Hey...Pam open your eyes. You're ok.  You're home."  His knuckles brush my lips.

 

I listened to his voice, opened my eyes.  Jim staring at me, concern in his.

 

"Hey...Hey..." he said, his thumbs were smudging my tears away.  His voice slowly pulling me away from the clutches of the dream. The Dream.  "Wow," he whispered in my ear, holding me. "Same one?"

 

Same one. The one I hadn't told him every detail of because the details changed each time. But one major detail remained the same - every dream ended with Jim being gone.  Either physically or emotionally Jim decided he didn't want me anymore.  And just like all the other times, I reached down to my abdomen to check...yes - baby - still there. 

 

Still Jim's.  Still home. Still this life.

 

It was apparently a really common thing to start to panic at this stage or pregnancy and all my panic seemed to come to me between the hours of 4 and 6 in the morning.  During the day I was absolutely fine...but sleep was my enemy.

 

I finally nodded in response to his question, and he pulled me to him. My belly awkwardly angled at his hip, my head lying against his heart.  "You want to talk about it?"

 

"I don't know...no..."

 

He was quiet for a moment.  Then, "you're sure you don't want to talk about it?...It might help you fall back to sleep if you just get it off your chest..."

 

"You didn't want to be with me anymore."

 

"Whoa...Beesly..." his mouth pressed into my temple and I felt his lips continue to move against my hot skin. "That is really...Listen you should literally wake yourself up as soon as that happens because it's so obviously a dream."

 

I smiled tiredly. "Obviously."

 

"Obviously," he repeated, and I knew the smile had fallen out of his voice even without looking at him. He kissed my forehead. 

 

My eyes were heavy but I knew it would take me awhile to fall back to sleep.  He was right. I knew it was crazy, but these dreams were difficult to shake.  The lingering sense of sadness made me ache.

 

His voice was hesitant and vulnerable in the dark. "Is it...are the dreams always...that?"

 

I lied.  "No...just other weird pregnancy stuff most of the time."

 

He knew. "Oh...ok...because...if they were always that then...I'd say your subconscious really needs a reality check...because it'll never happen."

 

Jim's hand was on my belly, moving in slow, sweet circles.  The way he touched me lately was so achingly sweet.  Tears filled my eyes again...jeez.

 

"I don't know why I would ever go anywhere...ever."

 

I reached up, my fingers twining through the soft hair at the nape of his neck. "Yeah...me neither."

 

"Jeez...your dreams are dumb."

 

I laughed. "So dumb...I love you."

 

"I love you too."



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