Bro' Time
"Hey, do you think I'm gay?"
Dwight turned in his chair and stared at Andy, then his eyes narrowed. "Why?"
"No reason. I mean, it's not like I'm not into girls, so I can't be gay, right? Dressing well, and sometimes wearing pink doesn't make me gay?"
"It certainly doesn't make you manly."
Andy frowned. "I was a good boyfriend. I tried absolutely everything to make Angela happy."
"Maybe you were trying too hard." Now Dwight wasn't even looking at him, had his concentration focussed back on the paperwork in front of him.
"How can it be trying too hard to give her exactly what she wanted? What did you do that worked so well?" And failed at obviously.
Dwight pushed away the paper and looked at Andy. "I did what was best for her, even though she didn't know it. She's a woman; she'll say she wants one thing, then the exact opposite. You can't believe anything they say."
Leaning back in his chair, Andy bit the inside of his lip. It made sense. No woman he ever hooked up with (or tried to) had been consistent with him. They gave off signals of 'yes' then told him no. They let him buy them dinner, but then wouldn't even go back to his place. "See, this is what worries me. I don't get women. Maybe I am gay."
"Look, you went to a foreign country with Oscar and Michael. Did you ever find yourself aroused with them?"
Andy snorted. "No."
"Since Oscar is homosexual, and Michael is an alpha male, if you were gay, you would have gotten aroused. And probably attempted to seduce Oscar. Or Michael. Or both of them." Dwight nodded to himself.
"But I don't--"
With an annoyed sigh, Dwight stood. "Let's go."
"Go where?"
"Just follow me." Without waiting, Dwight walked purposefully from the office.
With just a moment of hesitation, and mostly really confused, Andy followed.
"Phyllis?"
"I have no idea, Jim. I try very hard to never hear anything they're saying."
"Now look at them."
The two men were at the top of the stairs, looking down at the warehouse. It was business as usual there, and nobody took notice of the visitors.
"What about them?"
"Are you attracted to any of them?"
"No."
Dwight pointed. "Not even that big one?"
Andy squinted. "No."
"Then I would say you are not gay. That is the type of man a homosexual would find appealing."
With one raised eyebrow, Andy looked at Dwight. "How would you know?"
"Because Michael had me do research on homosexuals before you transferred here. When we first discovered Oscar had deviant interests." Dwight was obviously quite proud of the whole thing.
But Andy snickered. "Deviant interests?"
"I do consider sex with another man a deviant interest." Once again, Dwight looked very closely at Andy. "Don't you?"
"Oh, well, yeah. Of course." He held one finger up. "But..."
"But?"
"What about a woman and... another woman?"
Dwight's answer was swift. "We shouldn't discuss that here." He shifted his weight from one foot to the other.
Andy looked everywhere except for the men working down on the floor, then shifted his weight too. "You're right. We shouldn't discuss that here."
"I like women," Andy whispered. "But no way would a woman ever do this. This is total bro time."
"It is up to the man to be the provider," Dwight whispered back. "The woman should be waiting patiently at home to gut and skin the kills we bring back, then cook up a hearty meal."
"Right."
"And after that, it's their duty to please us in whatever way we see fit."
Silence descended upon their hidden spot.
"We shouldn't talk about that here," Andy finally whispered, shifting from crouching on one knee to the other.
"Agreed." Dwight copied Andy's action.
"That totally looked like a deer!"
"It happens to the best hunters. People need to learn to not drive beige cars through heavily wooded areas. Besides, you didn't hit the tire; they easily drove away."
"Right. Still, would've been nice to bag a giant 10 point buck. A deer with a big ol'... rack. Yep, a giant rack." Andy leaned back in his chair, a far away look in his eyes.
"And when we brought it back we could mount it." Dwight had a glassy-eyed stare and was gripping his rifle tightly.
"Yeah, mount it..." Andy stood suddenly, his pupils very dilated and face very flushed. "I need to use the restroom."
Dwight didn't watch him leave. The hold on his rifle was white-knuckled.
"I like women, I just don't understand them. At all. Maybe in the future they can do something like put a guy's mind in a woman's body, so then you get all the benefits without the drawbacks. Or even better, just put the good parts on a guy." Andy smiled in triumph. "You can go out, do a little hunting, have your bro time, and then when you're back at home..."
The look of triumph faded to puzzlement. "That still doesn't sound right."
"This is the easiest way to tell if you're gay or not. Come upstairs."
Still looking puzzled, Andy followed Dwight upstairs and into the room at the end of the hall marked Private.
"Shut the door. Mose wouldn't understand; he gets easily confused."
As Andy turned and shut the door, Dwight loosened his tie and removed it. "What are you doing? I just said about a hundred times that I'm not gay!"
"I know," Dwight answered with a smug half-smile. "This will tell you for sure. I was almost the bait for Toby; men do find me desirable." His glasses were off and he was unbuttoning his shirt.
"Fine, but I already know that I am not going to find you desirable."
"Just wait. Your feelings may be hidden deeper than even you can tell. Deviant behaviors often don't come to the surface until the moment they are least expected." Dwight's shirt was off, and he pulled off his undershirt.
Andy frowned, and shook his head. "No."
Also frowning, Dwight looked down at his podge. "I do put on a little weight in the winter; it's for insulation. You should see me in August. Here." He began to unbuckle his belt. "This will be the true test."
"Dude, I am not going to look at any guy naked."
"I'll just strip down to my underwear."
"Well OK then."
Dwight dropped his trousers. "Anything?"
Andy stared for a moment, a very long moment, then shook his head. "Nothing."
"Then I say with all certainty that you are not gay."
"All right!" The two men high-fived.
"But... you would find me desirable if you were, right?"
Andy's face screwed up into something between extreme skepticism and ridicule. "You don't... look anything like that guy in the warehouse."
"What? Maybe you shouldn't be so narrow-minded. Not everyone has the body of a hyper-sexed underwear model!"
"Oh come on! That is not sexy at all!" Andy snapped, pointing to Dwight's belly.
Dwight snorted. "Like you would know."
"I would!" And Andy began removing his shirt. "Check this out!" Shirtless, he went through the standard muscleman poses. At the second pose, Dwight was copying him move for move, grunt for grunt.
"Well," Andy said, panting after his last move, "any man's going to appreciate a nice pair of silk boxers." He dropped his pants to reveal a pair of crimson silk boxers.
Dwight twisted his lips to convey dismissal. "That is such a waste of money, and silk. Besides, these show off my thighs." He turned in a slow circle.
"But these really showcase my glutes." Andy turned and clenched his butt.
Here Dwight's eyebrows lifted, and he nodded in acknowledgment. "That's not bad. That color is really complimentary on you."
"Thanks. And that color blue really brings out your eyes."
"Thank you, Andy. So."
"So?"
"We have determined that you are definitely not gay."
"Yes!" Andy pumped his fist.
"And we can safely say that I am not gay."
"Right-o."
The volume of Dwight's voice lowered. "Let me ask you something else, propose a hypothetical situation if you will."
"I'm listening."
"Now that we've established that we are not homosexuals, do you know anything about the display of power in animals, especially by the alpha male."
"Nooooo."
Mose stood outside the door. He knocked once, but received no answer. The noises continued from inside, mostly grunting peppered with cursing, and some banging of furniture. He knocked again.
When a response still didn't come, he placed his hand on the doorknob. His cousin would kill him for this, but there was a lot of noise. What if another badger had snuck in?
Very slowly, silently, he turned the knob and pushed the door open. There was no badger. There was only his cousin and the other one he had seen before stripped down to their naughty wear, apparently waged in a battle for supremacy.
The light was on its side on the bed, throwing up strange shadows on the wall. They were on the floor, sweating heavily, and Cousin Dwight had the other man in a headlock. Both their faces were red with exertion.
"Dammit, Mose!"
Caught! Mose slammed the door shut as he hurried back to his room.
***
The two men settled into the chairs in the conference room. This was a familiar routine, though not so much with one another present.
Without being asked a question, Andy was the first to speak. "I know people have said things, you know, about me being gay, but I can say that is totally not true."
Dwight nodded.
"I just don't have good luck with the ladies. They don't appreciate a man of my many talents."
Dwight nodded again.
"Women don't understand the importance of bro time. Because no woman is worth breaking up this awesome partnership." He and Dwight very awkwardly bumped fists.
"It's very simple," Dwight added. "Andrew Bernard is not gay, has never been gay. Yes, he formed a gay alliance with Oscar, but he himself never actually became gay."
Andy was smiling proudly, and nodded. "Totally straight. And that gay alliance, I was just his gay wingman. Not his gay wingman, just his wingman who happens to be g--no, wingman to pick up guys. But not for me. For him. Oscar. Still into the ladies here."
Looking very serious, the exact opposite of Andy's prominent discomfort, Dwight looked directly into the camera. "It's a very simple explanation really. Andrew Bernard is not gay." He sat back and steepled his fingers. "He just went to Cornell."
end
Story Notes:
Extended maintenance and patch 3.1 brings this today. The quote that inspired this whole thing: "Andy isn't gay, he just went to Cornell." If you know where that came from, hey there, you dirty neckbeard! Sprouted from episode 'The Michael Scott Paper Company'.
Auto-Generated Disclaimer: Characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers, including NBC and Greg Daniels. No copyright infringement is intended.
Auto-Generated Disclaimer: Characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers, including NBC and Greg Daniels. No copyright infringement is intended.
Chapter End Notes:
I could see Dwight as bi-curious as a way to attempt to dominate other males. Though I guess that's not really bi-curious, just clueless.
Comments/criticism welcome (and appreciated).
Comments/criticism welcome (and appreciated).
