Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Spoilers for “Phyllis’s Wedding” through “Negotiation” and “Company Picnic.”
1. The summer before college starts, Mrs. Beesly wants to take a family vacation so they plan a week down the Jersey shore. Pam packs the essentials: bathing suits, sundresses, her sketchpads and pastel crayons. Then she flips back in her Monet wall calendar to see if she needs to pack tampons. That’s when she realizes she’s late.
She lost her virginity to Roy on Prom night, but could count the times they have had sex since then on one hand. And each time they were careful and used protection. So she counts the days on the calendar again and again, but the result is always the same. She should have gotten her period six days ago.
She’s quiet on the drive to the shore, sitting in the back on her parent’s station wagon with her forehead pressed against the window. She watches the highway slip away, imagining her dreams slipping away as well. College. Travel. Becoming a world famous artist. She can’t do all that with a baby. She wonders how her parents will react and can’t help but picture her dad’s face marred with disappointment in her. She wonders how Roy will react. He says that he loves her but they are only eighteen - too young to know what love really means. Too young for babies and marriage and settling down. So when she uses the rest stop bathroom and sees the little red dot on her panties, she is more relieved than she has ever been before.
2. Pam adds the home pregnancy test into her shopping cart, trying to act nonchalant. She feels conspicuous having the little blue box tucked between the cereal and yogurt even though rationally she knows no one in the supermarket cares about the state of her uterus.
She has been engaged for almost two years with no wedding date in sight. She knows that Roy loves her. But she also knows that he’s comfortable with the way things are whereas she is growing increasingly antsy. She is ready to move to the next step. She wants a husband, a family. And she knows that Roy wants these things too. He just needs a little push. Pam thinks that a baby on the way might be just the thing Roy needs to make it official.
As expected, Roy is at Kenny’s watching the football game when she gets back from the store so she leaves the groceries on the kitchen table and takes the pregnancy test into the bathroom. She reads the instructions, pees on the stick and anxiously waits the three minutes. Hopefully, she checks the little stick and her face falls when she sees only one line. Negative. She’s not pregnant.
Disappointment settles heavily in the pit of her stomach. Today is not the day her life changes. Today is just another day, the same as any other.
So she takes a deep breath, buries the test in the wastebasket and goes back into the kitchen to put the groceries away.
3. A week after Phyllis’s wedding, Pam realizes that she and Roy haven’t been using protection. Pam had gone on the Pill when she was nineteen so neither of them gave birth control any thought when they got back together. But she isn’t on the Pill anymore, hasn’t been since she called off the wedding, thinking she wouldn’t be worrying about birth control for a while.
When she remembers to breathe again, she tries to think rationally. She’s not even late yet so it’s still early to be worried. Still, the question of “what if” weighs on her mind. If she’s pregnant, she wants things to work out with Roy. She wants, needs, a fresh start with him if they are going to have a family together. So she tells him the truth about Jim, about their kiss on Casino Night, but it doesn’t go well.
The sound of glass shattering follows her out of the bar and into her car, her hands shaking slightly as she drives back to her apartment. She feels startled and scared by Roy’s reaction. Moreover, she’s angry with herself for not foreseeing it, for getting back together with Roy to begin with and for foolishly getting herself in this predicament. She feels especially stupid for forgetting to use birth control. She feels even worse the next day when Roy attacks Jim and Jim rejects her apology, his cold shoulder hurting worse than Roy’s anger. But her period arrives on time so at least there’s that.
4. When they get home from the picnic, Jim insists that Pam sit down and put her feet up. Not only to rest her twisted ankle, but because he plans on pampering her completely for the next 9 months. So she sits at the kitchen table with a dreamy smile on her face, watching Jim cook her a celebratory dinner. Her hands rest affectionately over her stomach as she thinks about the little life growing inside her, the life that they made together, but her reverie is interrupted with the shrill ring of her cell phone.
She picks up the phone to hear the doctor who had treated her earlier. He’s extremely apologetic, muttering words about hormone levels and chemicals that she doesn’t quite understand, but she gets the gist. There was an error with her lab results. She’s not pregnant. Quietly, sadly, she thanks him and hangs up.
Jim is looking at her curiously and when she tells him the news, she is sure that his crestfallen expression matches her own.
At night, in bed, she tells him that maybe it’s for the best. They still have bills they are struggling to pay, the mortgage, the wedding, Pam’s student loans. They should wait until they are ready. He agrees and makes a joke - now she won’t have to worry about fitting into her wedding dress. She tries to laugh but it sounds forced and empty and even in the darkness Jim can tell her eyes are wet with tears.
5. Ten months, eleven days and eighteen hours after her wedding, Pam Halpert is not pregnant. She is not pregnant because fourteen hours earlier, she went into labor and three hours ago, she gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl. Ten perfect fingers and ten perfect toes and a wisp of wavy brown hair Pam suspects will become a mass of unruly curls much like her own.
Now, she is exhausted, yet can’t fall asleep. Even as her body aches, her mind stays alert, too exhilarated and filled with joy over her precious new baby. She wants to savor these moments.
Jim is sitting at her bedside, holding his sleeping daughter with a look of unadulterated adulation on his face. He has been just over the moon with happiness since they found out the sex of the baby, swearing to do anything and everything for his “two girls.” Pam doesn’t doubt his promise for a second, his devotion written plainly across his face, and she knows he is going to be a wonderful father. She just can’t stop looking at the two of them, her beautiful family.
Jim looks up at her then, catching her dreamy smile. He returns the grin, silently mouthing the words “I love you.” She repeats the gesture, suddenly struck by the thought that her life could have turned out completely different. A different time, a different man and a different child, but it wouldn’t have been right. Nothing could be more right than this moment.
Chapter End Notes:
Author’s Note: So I started writing this soon after “Company Picnic” when I tried to think of ways the writers would screw with us in the fall. After all, we never actually HEAR that Pam is pregnant, so it could be anything. However, I couldn’t think of any other plausible news that would bring Jim’s reaction so the original fic morphed into number 4. Things just grew from there, albeit slowly because I moved house and all things fandom were pretty much put on hold for a while. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it. Leave a review to let me know.
P.S. Jenna Fischer has since confirmed on her myspace blog that it’s a pregnancy storyline so the writers are not screwing with us.
standinginthedoorway is the author of 6 other stories.
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