The Push Gift

Jim poured himself a glass of orange juice in the break room.  What he really wanted was a Grape Soda, but he was trying to be sensitive.  He and Pam had already had their allotted amount of caffeine for the day.  Or...she had.  He was just trying to be more...sensitive.  Sometimes sensitivity included cutting himself off.

Similarly, he filled her little green kettle with hot water from the water cooler and set about sifting through countless tea bags in the drawer next to the sink in the office...just another way to show he cared. 

What kind of tea had she been in the mood for lately, he thought as he thumbed through. Peppermint, Apple Chai, wait...no...Chamomile? He couldn't just go over to her desk and ask...Asking wasn't good.  Lately, asking was most certainly and without a doubt - Not. Good.

He shivered just thinking about the last time he'd had the audacity to ask...

"Seriously, Jim? Olives?"  Pam said closing the baby name book.

"You just...you usually like olives - I was just...um...Not sure," Jim said lowering the cordless phone.

"You're just not sure?" Pam asked him as he stuttered. "Jim, last week I hurled like an entire vine of olives -

Jim smiled. "Do olives grow on vines or -

"Really Jim? You want to correct my horticulture knowledge right now? Really?"

"Um...No.  Not correcting you - just um...trying to order a pizza...

"Oh haha...oh Jim you're so, so funny......hahaha, Jim's trying to be funny - Shocker."

"Oh...um...just pepperoni then? Got it."

Jim swallowed hard and felt actual beads of sweat bubble up on his forehead as he contemplated tea bags.  Shit...the tea fall-out probably wouldn't be that bad though right? Not in the office...

"You are so sweet," Kelly said, traipsing past him on her way out of the ladies room. "The way you make Pam's tea for her because she's too big to fit through the door anymore...that is so sweet, I wanna die."

"That's....she's not."

"It's probably really difficult for her to wobble around the office the way that she does...I'd totally stay home - or kill myself...but you're making it easier for her."

"Wow. That's not really very nice -

"...I bet you've already picked out a Push Gift too...I bet it's really expensive," Kelly said, ignoring him as she pulled an apple from the refrigerator and sat down with it.

Jim pulled in both of his lips as he settled upon the Chamomile and pulled the tea bag out of the package. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Brad got Angelina a four carat sapphire ring after the twins...God, he loves her so much, Jim.  I know Pam isn't Angelina, but you should get her something nice."

Jim shook his head as he dipped the bag into the water. "Kelly, I'm really not sure what you're -

"And whatever you do - don't do diamonds. Not diamonds, Jim.  It's so lame.  I mean not lame - but it's kind of lazy.  You got her a diamond for your engagement already.  You need to think of something better. I'll give you all my issues of In Style if you want...I got them from Viva La Nails."

Jim took a deep breath and tried to interrupt again. "Kelly...I really don't know what you're talking about."

Kelly frowned, hearing him for the very first time. "A push gift."

"A push what?  What's that?"

Kelly stared at him for a long moment.  "You don't know what a push gift is?"

Kelly's topics of conversation were comprised of 1/4 absolute fabrications and ¾ complete marshmallow fluff.  Even still, Jim's stomach began to fill with an all too familiar kind of dread.

He could not afford to get something wrong right now.

"Jim. It's only the most important gift you'll ever get Pam...until you have another kid...which you probably will - Pam looks like she's made to have babies."

"Ok, wait...go back -

"Jim. A push gift is a really expensive gift that you get your wife, girlfriend, or baby mama when she has your baby.  Are you seriously telling me you didn't know that?  Literally everyone knows that.  I bet even Ryan knows that."

"Well if Ryan knows it," Jim said, attempting to shrug it off.

Kelly sighed while completely unaware of the slight. "Jim, I'll send you some links to a few good websites.  Seriously, if you don't get Pam a good push gift...I mean - it's completely not cool...people get divorced over this."

People get...what? Was she serious?

Jim bit his bottom lip and nodded slowly as he took Pam's tea kettle and began to exit the break room. "Thanks...I'll be on the look out..."

She was crazy, that was all there was to it.  Just another crazy Kelly idea. He wasn't going to base any life decisions on something Brad and Angelina did or didn't do.

The afternoon wore on (with Pam barely touching her tea of course - it was "kinda cold") and the idea that maybe Kelly knew something he didn't about having babies, started to press in on him.  He'd been messing up right and left lately and the person he thought he knew so well didn't think he knew her at all.  He had to get something right.

If this "Push Gift" was a real thing - he had to do it and do it well.  The push gift needed to kick Pam's ass.

If it was a real thing.

Jim stood from his desk and shoved his hands into his pockets as he walked over to Meredith's desk. "Hey Meredith."

Meredith smiled in that way that sort of made his skin crawl. "Hey Jim."

"Um, hey..." he said lowering his voice. "You have a son...Do you...Um...when you had your son did your husband um...give you any sort of gift? Like...like a Push Gift?"

He sounded like such a moron. What a ridiculously stupid idea, he thought as he plastered a half-smile on.

Meredith's already suggestive leer grew worse. "Oh boy, did he ever..."

The sentence hung in the air as she nodded and bit her lip through a smile.

Jim felt his face go numb.  "Um...ok...talk to you later Meredith."

He hurried back to his desk and pulled up Google. Desperation caused his fingers to type faster than their slightly less than average speed.  PUSH GIFT

Holy shit.

Disgusting connotations or not, clearly this was something people knew about.  Maybe not the way Kelly and Meredith knew about it; as something either ridiculously expensive or something he didn't really want to hear anymore details about...but people knew nonetheless.

Jim waited only a second before entry after entry popped up on his screen. 

Push Present - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Push Gifts - A TO Z

Push Presents - She birthed your child - it's the least you can do!

20 Ideas to Make Your Baby Mama Extremely Happy

When Push Comes to Shove - You Better Get Her a Push Gift or She Might Shove Your Ass Right Out the Door

Push Gifts - What Today's Savvy Woman Hints At (Remember You Deserve This)

Push Gifts - How to Make Him Pay

Push Gifts - Even Tiffany's is Not Enough, Fellas!

Jim rubbed his mouth back and forth.  Whoa...

Pam looked up from her monitor, catching his worried expression. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, me?  Um...Nothing."

It was real - that was all.  These gifts...this was something people did.

"You look like something's wrong," Pam said still staring at him.  

"Oh no...um one of my clients...something happened with their shipment, that's all."

"Oh...you should go talk to Darryl about it."

"Yeah...oh, totally. I'm going to...um...later."

"Can you two please shut up?" Dwight sighed as he looked up. "Pam just because you're pregnant that doesn't mean you can talk incessantly.  You can't slack off because you're growing a baby. No one cares...women do it everyday."

"Oh shut up, Dwight" Pam said rolling her eyes.

"Uh, you can't talk to me that way, Pam - I'm your superior, and I'll report you."

"Well consider her reported...and you can't talk to her that way...so shut up," Jim said.

Pam smiled at him and Jim took a deep breath before turning back to his monitor.  Maybe he could just kill Dwight for her.  Was that a good Push Gift? 

Shit...Maybe he had some emails from Kelly?  Oh God, was he actually counting on Kelly to help him through this?

Help came in the form of three emails all with the same subject line: PUSH GIFTS FOR DUMMIES! By Kelly Kupor

Jim opened the first, PUSH GIFTS FOR DUMMIES! By Kelly Kupor

"Oh..."

"Are you ok?" Pam said whispering when she looked up at him again. "Why don't you just go ask Daryl what happened?"

"Huh? Oh yeah...I will...I just need to read this um...email first."

Kelly's email was full of photos of varied gifts as well as their prices and what websites they could be found on.   Everything from Brad's $40,000 sapphire ring for Angelina, to what non-famous people bought the mother's of their children: eight hundred dollar rocking chairs from Pottery Barn.

This was bad.  Pam wasn't expecting this was she? There had to be something cheaper...

And now he was a douchebag. Not only had he not known about this, but now he wanted to get her something cheap.

Here his wife sat, slaving away next to him...tired, swollen, unable to sleep, itchy all over, and dealing with Dwight...and here he was contemplating cheaper gifts?

Wait, wait, wait...he wanted to get her something nice, but there had to be something other than jewelry or furniture or...flat screens? Really? People bought their wives' flat screens?  This was really...real?

‘Push present,' Jim read after clicking on Kelly's Wikipedia link. ‘Also known as Push Gift or Baby Bauble.'

A douchebag who used Wikipedia as a legitimate source of research...like Michael.

Alright, so it was true.  Apparently it was common for men to get their wives gifts for having a baby.  And Jim had seen the footage of real labor at Lamaze class - it wasn't like he didn't think Pam would absolutely deserve a freaking gift after that! 

‘One could be tempted to say that the baby alone is the best gift imaginable,' Jim thought. ‘But does that just make one cheap or realistic?...A romantic - it makes one an idealistic, romantic.

But would Pam see it that way?....Wait - hold on...maybe Pam had never even heard of a Push Gift.  

So because she's never heard of it, you can screw her out of a gift? He'd never heard of machine that turned all his old cassettes into MP3s -  but that hadn't stopped her from buying him one for his birthday.

That settled it - he was going to get her a Push Gift. Only he'd never, ever refer to it as such.  Also he wasn't going to spend $40,000.  They didn't even have that much to spend!  Pam would much rather have him put that kind of money towards something useful like their kid's college fund, anyway.

‘Alright...think.  What would be special enough...maybe not special monetarily but -

An instant message popped up from Kelly:

Fashionista21:  Have you decided?! Have you decided?! Have you decided?! OMG, HAVE YOU DECIDED?!

JHalpert: Not quite, but I think I've got a better idea.  Thanks Kelly.

Fashionista21: OMG! I can totally help you!  Here's what I'll do - I have the perfect plan! I'll come over there and ask Pam what she would want as a push gift! That way you don't have to!  See! Oh Jim this is so fun!  We should totally IM and email all the time!

JHalpert: No, you know what - actually I'd like to think about what would make a good pre -

Jim heard Kelly come barreling through the break room before he ever saw her.  Oh jeez...

"Hey Pam!" Kelly said breathlessly.

Pam turned around with a smile. "Oh, hey Kell, what's up?"

"Oh nothing...I was just at my desk reading Perez and I started thinking of you."

"Um...ok."

"Yeah because there's a rumor that Fergie is pregnant and I started wondering what Josh Duhamel would get her for a Push Present and then I thought about you and wondered what you were getting...You should totally start hinting so Jim doesn't get you anything lame."

Pam smiled incredulously at Jim before turning back to Kelly and shrugging.

"I don't know...that's...I mean I've heard of that...like celebrities...but I don't know anybody who's actually done that or gotten one or whatever...I mean I think when we have a little baby, finally," she said smoothing her hands over her massive belly and glancing at Jim with soft eyes. "That will be pretty nice...I don't think we really need anything else...I don't know - I think it's weird."

Kelly frowned. "Whatever. You can't get a four carat baby."

"That's...yeah...you're right," Pam said, nodding as Kelly walked away.

Pam smiled at Jim, and widened her eyes as if to ask ‘Can you believe that?'

He returned her smile and then leaned back in his chair.  This was going to be even harder than he thought. What did you get for a girl that was too good for just about everything you could think of?