When Holly awoke this morning, she felt a sense of abandonment—she felt cold. Of course AJ’s side of the bed was empty. Of course it was. She had become so used to waking up by his side everyday for the last ten years, and now, he was sleeping on the living room sofa. So of course she felt abandoned.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Holly had asked yesterday evening as they were driving home from the clinic. Why was she even asking him if he wanted to talk about it? He should be the one comforting her!
“No,” AJ grumbled. He pulled his hand away from Holly’s. “I don’t know what we should do, Holly…”
“We move past it,” said Holly, staring out of the passenger side window—trying to calm her breathing.
“It’s just…I don’t know,” AJ sighed. “I thought having a kid would fix things, and now you can’t have one.”
“I know you always wanted a kid, and so did I, but how would having a baby fix things?” asked Holly, feeling slightly stung.
“I always wanted one,” said AJ, his fingers tensing on the steering wheel. “And I waited for years so that you could get your career that you wanted for so long. Now you can’t have one.”
Quit saying that… thought Holly.
“You’re saying that I took too much time to get where I wanted, and that’s why I’m infertile?” asked Holly. She was trying really hard to keep her cool, but it was proving to be difficult.
“Maybe I am,” said AJ.
What the fuck kind of name was AJ for a grown man? What is he? Twelve?
“I want a divorce,” he said after a couple moments of silence. “It’s obvious that we’re not happy. At least I know that I’m not happy with you.”
Holly examined herself in the mirror. She wasn’t unattractive. In fact, for a thirty-eight year old woman, she wasn’t so bad. Sure, in the last couple of years, she had gotten some wrinkles here and there, but…she wasn’t bad. Her eyes were hazel, her hair blonde. She was fair skinned, and she liked to think that she had a kind smile. She works out, does yoga, and some low impact cardio routines. She’s fit for a woman of her age. So then why the fuck was she infertile?
“Screw it,” she grumbled, twisting her hair into a bun. Without meaning to, she slammed the bathroom door loudly.
“God damn it!” she heard AJ crying downstairs. “Keep it the fuck down!”
Holly bit the tip of her tongue in order to keep from shouting out a retort. She hurried across the hall into her bedroom. When she pulled open her closet, she looked into a mass of grey, black, white, taupe, and dark blue blouses and skirts. She had to wear neutral colors. She had to be in the background while her patients sobbed about their financial issues, divorces, and their prime years. Sighing, she decided to go with a grey blouse and a black skirt today.
“I’m going to stay at a motel till we get this shit figured out,” AJ said when Holly came downstairs. “Just thought I should let you know…”
“Fine,” Holly huffed.
She grabbed her coat out of the closet by the front door, and left the house before AJ could say another word.
*****
“Good morning, Holly!” a voice called from behind Holly in the elevator. Holly jumped up in surprise. She hadn’t noticed the child psychiatrist from her floor when she had walked in.
“Oh, morning, Dr. Scott,” said Holly, attempting a smile.
“I’ve asked you like a million times to call me Michael,” he grinned.
There was something about this man’s grin that reminded Holly of a child. Also, sometimes when he spoke, he sounded like a child. Perhaps that’s why he became a child psychiatrist. Holly didn’t know much about Michael other then that he was very good at his job. Or it seemed that way. Although his office was down the hall from Holly’s, she would always hear him making the children laugh.
“I’m sorry,” said Holly. “Good morning, Michael.”
“Rough night?” he asked. “You just look a little tired, so…”
“Yeah, I didn’t get much sleep,” replied Holly.
“I see…big date with AJ?”
“Um…no. It’s more like a big fight with AJ,” she blurted out. Michael suddenly looked concerned.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” he said quickly. Holly shook her head.
“It’s fine, really. Everyone goes through marital strains.”
“Well, uh…” Michael began digging through his briefcase. “Would you like a Mini Mounds Bar?”
Holly gave Michael a quizzical look.
“I usually give them to my patients,” he explained.
“Um…thank you,” smiled Holly, taking the candy.
“No problem. If you ever need to talk…I’m only a couple of doors away.”
“Thank you Dr. Sc—I mean Michael,” said Holly, walking to the reception desk. “Well, this is me, so…”
“Right-O!” Michael grinned. “Have a nice day.”
“You too,” said Holly, watching Michael swagger into his office. She turned to Phyllis, Holly’s receptionist. “Morning, Phyllis. Any messages?”
“No,” Phyllis replied. “You have a new patient waiting in your office.”
“Oh, shit,” said Holly, remembering that she had an early appointment today. “What time is it?”
“9:30. Mr. Flenderson has an appointment at 9:45.”
“Right,” said Holly. “Listen, Phyllis, when Mr. Flenderson comes in today, tell him that I’m out sick, and that I’m sorry. Tell him that I’ll see him tomorrow at 1:00, can you?”
“Yes, Dr. Flax,” smiled Phyllis.
“Also, when Mister…uh…”
“Halpert. James Halpert,” finished Phyllis.
“Yes, when Mr. Halpert called last week, did he say why he needed an appointment other than a meet and greet?”
“No, I just penciled him in…”
“Right,” said Holly. “Well, I should get going. Thank you Phyllis.”
Holly rushed into her office.
“Good morning, Mr. Halpert, I apologize—” she paused when she saw him. Her immediate thoughts were that he was a drug addict looking for uppers. He was dangerously thin and pale. His gigantic right hand was shaking severely. “…for my being late…”
“One moment, please,” said Jim, his eyes shut, breathing heavily.
“Mr. Halpert? Are you okay?”
“Yes, I just need a moment,” he replied shakily. “Okay, I’m sorry about that…”
“That’s fine,” said Holly, slightly confused. “Once again, I’m sorry that I’m late.”
“Not a problem…”
Holly walked behind her desk and sat. She gave Jim a tight lipped smile, and he smiled back crookedly. He was tall and had unruly brown hair. She noticed that he looked…dead behind the eyes. There was hardly any sign of emotion in them.
“My name is Dr. Holly Huebel,” said Holly. “Would you like to tell me why we’re here today?”
“A meet and greet…”
“Well, yes, but…”
“Aren’t you supposed to show off all of your fancy degrees and awards?” asked Jim. “And go on about how you know that you’ll be able to help me through my problems?”
Holly frowned. Today was the worst day for some smart ass, drug addict patient.
“I can’t promise you that I could help you through your problems if you don’t tell me what they are,” she said.
“What do you think my problem is?” Jim asked. “Judging by my looks. You know, if we were on a date, what would your first impression of me be?”
“I can’t say…that’s…”
“Because the first impression that you left me is that you used to be a fun loving girl,” said Jim. “And now, you’re married to your job. You’re probably sick of it. But you still bring your job home, and now you barely have a social life. Judging by your appearance, you go to the gym at the end of the day. Probably take some yoga classes. And…judging by the way you walk with your back straight, you want to show people that you’re independent. Yet you hunch your shoulders like you’re carrying the weight of the world. That probably means that you have something that you want to say, but you don’t because you’re proud. You also seem like the type of person who tries to keep distance from patients, all the while, lying through your teeth that you’re their friend…”
Holly stared at Jim, trying to hide the shocked look on her face. She didn’t know whether she was shocked or offended.
“You got all of that, within the first minute of meeting me?”
“I read people,” he smiled smugly. “It’s like a sixth sense. So let’s have it, Doctor, what’s your first impression of me?”
“Well…” said Holly, knowing that this was inappropriate on many levels.
“And be honest please.”
“Fine,” she said, scanning her new patient. She paused for a moment, and without even thinking she said, “Drug addict. I think that’s why you’re here to be honest. And to tell you the truth, normally, I wouldn’t be this forward. Normally, I would dance around this subject for a couple of appointments. But I don’t really care right now because I had a bad night. I think you’re a drug addict. Heroine, judging by your facial ticks and your constant hand twitches. You’re probably here for uppers, and I’m just going to say this to you now, because I am not in the mood for dealing with liars. I don’t prescribe medication. I am a psychologist, not a psychiatrist.”
“You are way off, lady,” laughed Jim, clearly not offended. It seemed as though to him, this was a game. “Actually, I have a brain tumor.”
Holly was taken aback. Firstly, she had not expected that, although she should have known. Secondly, Jim’s tone was so nonchalant, as if everyone gets a brain tumor in their lives. Thirdly, she felt terrible at her quick assumption that he was an addict.
“Oh,” she breathed. “I’m so sorry…”
“Naw…don’t be. It’s not everyday you meet a guy with a tumor,” said Jim, shrugging.
“No, really…I’ve just been in a funk this morning,” Holly admitted. “So you’re here for a psych evaluation?”
“No,” replied Jim. “The tumor doesn’t really affect my personality. I get headaches and some minor seizures, but it doesn’t cloud my judgment. Nausea, blurred visions…but at least I know who I am. No behavioral changes or anything. Actually, I’m here because my brother’s been begging me to see one of you people for about a year.”
“I see,” said Holly, grabbing a notepad. “Is your tumor inoperable?”
“No.”
“Bad health insurance?”
“No.”
“Do you even have health insurance?”
“Yes.”
Jim let out another laugh.
“I’ll make this easier for you,” he said. “I don’t want the operation, so of course, my brother’s freaking out. He thinks I might be suicidal. But if I was suicidal, you’d think that I would have killed myself a long time ago.”
“Oh,” said Holly, feeling slightly embarrassed. She was way off her game this morning. “Why don’t you want an operation?”
“That’s a long story,” replied Jim. “One that I’ll tell you once we get to know each other better. So the reason I decided to come here today, after getting nagged by my brother for a year, is because…”
For the first time, she saw that Jim’s eyes showed some emotion—sadness.
“Listen, to tell you the truth,” he started. “I miss talking to people. I miss talking about something that’s not tumor related. And I would try to make new friends, but like you said, I look like some junkie, so that doesn’t help. So I figured: I pay you two-hundred bucks an hour and we could just talk. It saves me getting arrested for talking to hookers.”
Jim smiled at his own joke. Holly let out a reluctant laugh.
“Truthfully, Mr. Halpert,” she sighed. “I don’t know what I could do for you…”
“Isn’t it your job to listen?”
“Well, yes, but-”
“And wouldn’t you actually like to make a new friend?” Jim smiled. “Talk about your own problems, and get paid for it at the same time? I’ve got the money…”
“It’s not about the money,” Holly said. “My job is to analyze people’s behavior. It’s not to make friends.”
“Aw, come on, Dr. Huebel. I’m actually very charming when you get to know me.”
“I’m sure you are,” said Holly, thinking that Jim was an arrogant ass. “But I could get into a lot of trouble.”
“What’s life without a bit of risk? Plus, just keep my files on the down low. My brother won’t bother you either. I’ll just show him my bills,” said Jim, suddenly pleading. “Please…I just…you don’t know how it is to be some charity case. It’s like I’m not even me anymore. To other people, I’m Jim—the tumor guy. I miss just talking about something that isn’t about my fucking tumor. Excuse my French…”
Something came over Holly. She didn’t know if it was pity, or anger, or recklessness. She felt that she understood what the guy was going through, even though she had endured nothing remotely close to his situation. What would it be like if all of a sudden, you’re just a charity case to your friends and family? If the only thing they wanted to talk to you about was your tumor. Then she put herself in Jim’s situation. Pretty soon, her friends, her parents, would find out that she was unable to conceive. They would bother her for years about that. She could already hear her friend Kelly saying, “You should adopt a baby from Africa or Asia! All the hipsters are doing it!” She shuddered at the thought of all the fake sympathy that she would receive.
And talking to this Jim Halpert guy wouldn’t be such a bad thing would it? Maybe he’d understand what she was going through…god, sometimes she thinks crazy things. But it really wasn’t going against the norm. She would listen to him top. Perhaps maybe even convince him to have this operation…she would almost be a hero. If that happened, maybe her job would have an actual meaning…maybe she’ll get the feeling of accomplishment.
“Fine,” she said after a moment. “If anyone finds out, like your family, then I’ll be really mad…”
Jim laughed, and Holly followed. She realized that that was the first time she joked in…gosh, about a month.
“Have you lived in Scranton your whole life?” Holly figured she’d start off with a basic question.
“No, I grew up in Portland. Oregon,” he added. “My wife and I moved here from Chicago because she got a job over at West Scranton High. She was an art teacher and choir instructor.”
“I see. So are things with your wife going well at least?”
“Well, the thing is,” said Jim, looking heartbroken. “She died. Not quite sure I know you well enough to share that story…”
“I understand,” said Holly. “Um...”
“Do you want to know how we got engaged?” asked Jim, squinting down at the wedding band on his finger. “I miss telling that story…”
“Sure,” smiled Holly, putting her notepad in her drawer.
*****
There was a small lake that wasn’t too far from my house. It was more like a private reservoir, actually, my neighborhood’s water supply. Sure, it was man-made, but…there was a certain beauty about it that I can’t explain. Pam and I would sneak in every Saturday night. We would get a thrill as I helped her climb over the fence. And every Saturday night, we would sit at the base, staring out into the black water that reflected the moonlight. We would usually sit in silence, drinking in the peacefulness of this lake. It was our spot.
On a particular Saturday evening sometime in December, the lake was frozen. We still sat at the edge, the cold win piercing the exposed flesh of our faces, listening to Hoppipolla by Sigur Ros from my iPod.
The moonlight reflected off of the snow on the ground, illuminating Pam’s creamy skin, and the pink blush of her cheeks. Her hazel eyes were closed as the wind gently blew about her auburn hair. The sweet smell pierced my nostrils pleasantly, as her body swayed gracefully with the music. I have never seen anything so beautiful…never experienced a moment as beautiful as this. I reached into my coat, my fingers searching for the velvet box that I had since the week after we started dating. I clutched the box tightly, hiding it in my hand. With my left hand, I took her right. My thumb brushed gently against her cold knuckles, and I yearned to warm them. She slowly opened her eyes, and they met mine. Her lips curved into the smile that I had fallen in love with so long ago.
“What?” she asked, beaming.
“I was just thinking about how beautiful you are,” I replied.
“Really? Even when I’m all red and blotchy from the cold, and have a runny nose?”
“Especially when you have a runny nose,” I laughed. “There’s nothing more sexy than a girl sniffling throughout a good song.”
“Shut up, you jerk,” laughed Pam, bumping her shoulder into me.
“Will you marry me, Pam?” I asked, bringing the velvet box out into the open for her to see. She looked down at the ring, then up at me; her eyes open wide in shock.
“Oh my god…” she breathed.
“So…?” My heart was pounding hard in anticipation. I began to wonder if Pam could hear it.
“Of course! Yes!” she cried happily.
*****
“…then we made out,” finished Jim, smiling.
Holly now saw that his cold, dead eyes from before had disappeared. Now they were warm…his happy memory bringing the life back into them. But something told her that as she eventually gets to know more about Jim, not every story that he will tell will have happy endings.
Story Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I've had this idea for awhile now, but I've always been afraid to post it. I swallowed my fear, and now here it is. I don't own The Office...it's sad, I know.
Chapter End Notes:
Well, you all know what to do. Let me know if you like it! Thank you for reading.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EyI4p0yjDQ
Hoppipola by Sigur Ros. Seriously one of the most beautiful songs out there...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EyI4p0yjDQ
Hoppipola by Sigur Ros. Seriously one of the most beautiful songs out there...
