I don’t know, maybe it was the way he looked at me like that that still makes me think that I made the wrong decision, that what I’m living right now is wrong, that he’s out there, filling his space in the world and my shadow is trailing along behind him, trying to catch up, trying to fit into his neatly packaged life, trying to tell him the things I didn’t, trying to try harder, try for something I should have tried to want in the first place.
I don’t know, maybe it was the way I looked at his desk sometimes, during lulls in the afternoon when he would normally be standing over my desk, his smile and my smile all the same, because we’re just people, just laughing, just two people trying to make it through the day on the most basic of levels, without the twists and turns of any hint of romance or I want more than that’s because we’re just people who want nothing more, and it’s only sometimes when we do.
I don’t know, maybe it was how he told me he loved me that one time, the stars our witnesses and the moon the judge to say whether or not it was right of him to say any of those things, to change everything that there ever was between us, around us, in us, or maybe to judge if what I did was right or not, if maybe I shouldn’t have kissed him back, maybe I shouldn’t have created an eternal bond between us through one press of our lips because from that point on it has been the only thing that’s kept me wondering if me saying no and him leaving was the right thing for us.
I don’t know, maybe it was how hard I tried to forget him after he left, forget the impressions he made on me and this office, on the lives within each of us, how he tore down what could have been and drew a path from it, away from this place to somewhere new, to someone new, because maybe my path and everything I thought I was and he thought I was just wasn’t ever enough for him, because apparently, this town wasn’t enough for him either, or the nine voicemails I almost sent because I didn’t want him to go, couldn’t stand that, but also couldn’t stand the fact that if he had stayed, I couldn’t be what he wanted.
I don’t know, maybe it was the unsaid words between us, hovering between our lips awkwardly and unannounced that gave me the impression that he didn’t want this, that he didn’t think these things as he fell asleep or think about me in that way when he got bored or was talking to someone else, or that maybe I was over thinking things, that he was just being nice by coming up to my desk and talking to me during his free time because he was friendly, my friend, a really friendly guy who liked to make friends feel good, in that friendly way that just happens to make me think of him as a little bit more than that.
I don’t know, maybe it was how stupid I felt whenever I thought I did something wrong, if I said an extra word that shouldn’t have been said or if it bothered him, if me being myself bothered him, because I sometimes doubted the fact that he could ever possibly like me like that, in that forbidden way, in that way that skulked around like an unwelcome friend, someone who I didn’t know anymore, especially since it seemed as if the world was stacked against us, an inevitable failure, even if one of us were to change our minds and say something.
I don’t know, maybe it was how we did everything wrong, how we couldn’t understand what the other wanted to say, how we lost ourselves along the entire journey, if one could even call it that, because journeys are usually exciting, lively, full of smiles, and sure, ours was exciting, and I guess it was lively, it did keep me up at night, and it was full of smiles, but the weight of everything else took away from those things, so, no, it probably couldn’t be called a journey.
I don’t know, maybe it was how we stepped around the fact that we were irrevocably in love with one another, no matter how much we couldn’t believe it or wanted to.
And I don’t know, maybe it wasn’t love at all.
But I do know that that is a complete and total lie.
Story Notes:
Pam wonders about her relationship with Jim and what happened to the truth she once saw in it. Season 2.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Season 2, during any of the episodes while Jim is in Stamford. Angst, of course. My favorite.
Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine, but the words are.
Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine, but the words are.
Chapter End Notes:
As of now, this story is complete. Just something I had to write, something I had to get out of me. I may or may not write more to it, maybe from Jim's POV. We'll see! :)
Title and chapter title from Gary Go's "Open Arms." Great, great song.
Title and chapter title from Gary Go's "Open Arms." Great, great song.
