A/N: Attention everyone! This is going to be a hot mess. Emotions + Jim and Pam + cheap wine + staying up all night = this fic. And it was proofread while I was all tipsy and happy. So... yeah. Don't judge too roughly.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
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I don't understand how she doesn't get how great she is. How she doesn't understand why I live for all the steps she takes and everything she does, whether she's making out the grocery list or fitting her hands into mine. I just don't get it. I feel like all I'm here to do is just.. just show her that.
She thinks she's "fat" and every time she says it, I can't help but smile. She's already been annoyed at me a few times for that, but I can't help it. The first time she couldn't fit into one of her shirts, I hugged her, pushed her back onto the bed and kissed her little stomach. It just looked puffy then.
She laughed and laughed that time, but after that, not so much. More like, hey, you're pretty much acknowledging how fat I am. She misses the point all the time. Not the brightest girl.
But she's perfect. She's so sweet and good and seeing her in that white dress is going to do me in for the rest of my life.
It's so weird, crazy weird, but good weird -- don't get me wrong -- that we're going to be together forever. Forever. It's just... After thinking you'll never have something for years, and then finally just having it...
Wait, no. You think you have it, until you get a whole lot more. I remember our first date. I mean, I knew for a fact I'd never been as happy as I was that day. And it was kind of a shitty day up until then. I've never enjoyed breaking up with anyone, and I'm not proud of how that particular part of my life played out, I should probably say that really quick.
But, our first date? It was perfect. It probably didn't look like it, but neither of us cared. I just ran home that day and threw on whatever I could find that was clean, kind of threw most of dirty clothes in the closet and made my bed, picked up here and there. Tried to find something to cook.
When she came over, she was wearing her work clothes, and that was perfect. It was a little awkward and we talked for way too long, I burned the dinner I attempted to impress her with, and we ended up at McDonald's. That was perfect.
It was all just great, and when you're just so happy with everything the way it is, and you take it however it comes, it's hard not to look your pretty bride in the face when her face is awash with tears and tell her that everything's great. Because she is just the way I imagined her today.
Her smile lights up the room, her skin is smooth, her hair is swept away like a goddess', and she's just making my life so much better. It's the way I've always wanted things. I don't understand how she doesn't get that.
But that's fine with me. I love reminding her of how much I love everything the way we have it. I love that my bride is five months pregnant and looks amazing today, and just the fact that the smallest part of our family that's not quite here yet gets to join us is actually pretty romantic. I'm a sap, but hey, it's my wedding day. I'm actually doing pretty well. I think Larisa had some bet going about when I'd start to cry, or when I'd cry the most or something like that. I'm a sentimental guy. Pam thinks it's sweet.
But, just look at her. She's a little weepy lately, even when it's not our wedding day (holy crap, I just got married), whether she's happy or sad, there are more tears now than before. And I feel terrible, but I smile each time. I know that's terrible, to smile when your wife is crying. But I can't help it. I just want to grab her hands and kiss her everywhere and tell her to stop but to just keep going because I love every damn thing about her. I want to tell her that I love that it took us so long to get here, because when she rests her head against mine and I have to squint because the mist from the water is in my eyes, I can breathe out because I finally have this girl. And I know it's only going to get better.
Because a couple of years ago, I thought I had a lot. Well, I did. When Pam and I finally got together and started getting things right, it was the best time of my life up until then. But, adding a day to the tally every time I wake up next to her, and looking back and realizing that, hey, now might be a good time to propose to this one.
Then you do and you're almost planning this day, and then you are, together and then she's having your baby and it's the best surprise of your life.
Now I'm going to be a mess, just watch.
Her head is against my shoulder and it's funny, because we're really good at just being the two of us. That sounds weird... Basically, I have a church full of family and friends and... others, waiting for us right now to go make it official in front of them. But at the same time, my wife is next to me and I'm not moving if she's not.
I love her. I love her and I love the baby she's bringing me, I love everything about this. Right now. I told you, I'm a huge sap. Don't care. Look at her.
I look over at Ken behind the camera, because he's watched us for years and he's talked to me for years. He knows, at least a little bit.
I get goosebumps, who knows if they're from the cold, but I figure she might be a little. I feel bad because my hands are probably freezing but I wrap her up in them and ask her if she's cold. She just shakes her head no and grabs my hand, puts it right on top of her belly, and puts her hand over mine.
I've thought too many times since we found about this little person, about how crazy it is that we're going from two people who found each other, to two people who made a third. I don't understand it all just yet, and sometimes I try not to think about it because it's just too big. I mean, I don't even fully get that we're going to have a baby. Okay, hold on, that sounds ridiculous.
I know the baby's coming. You should see what we found the other day at the mall. Or all the little Phillies outfits Pam keeps putting under my pillow to surprise me with when I work late and she's already asleep. Seriously, have I mentioned how awesome this girl is? But, I know the baby's coming. I do. I feel hardly ready for him or her, but I don't think I've ever been more excited in my life. But I can't imagine completely what it's going to be like, because when I do, all I think about is her and how she'll hold it, and kiss it, and talk to it. How this baby will look just like her, smile just like her, how in love this kid is going to be with my wife...
I realize that I couldn't have been married any other way. I couldn't have been married to her any sooner and I'm so glad we didn't wait until after the baby came. I knew I was going to marry her very early on, that much I truly did know. But, I can't imagine anymore what life is like with just Pam and me. There's a piece of me every night that goes to bed with her, that wakes up in the morning with her, and when it gets here in a few months, it's going to change my life a little more and... I can't imagine getting married without that little piece of us. I can't see being here, standing here looking at the Falls with her and not knowing this complete, whole, just all out love and feeling I have... somehow.
My wife is pregnant and I've never been happier.
She looks up at me, mostly because I think she can read my mind. She cups my cheek with her chilled hands and brings her lips to mine. It's my favorite kiss of the day so far, but that's what I keep thinking with each one we take as the day goes on.
"I'm glad we did it this way," she sighs, her lips inches from me, her eyes searching mine.
I just smile, look down and nod at our hands that find their way toward each other. I can't believe there's finally a ring on mine.
"Me, too," I say, my voice a little raw and I catch her smile at that.
"You're a sap," she says sweetly, poking me in the side. The woman knows me.
"Yeah, I know," I shrug, and squint into the sun before looking back down at her.
She watches me for a long time before she shifts and squeezes my hands. "They're all waiting for us. We're terrible."
I have to laugh a little at that. We put our ceremony on pause to jump on a boat. I love her to death, so that's why we do these crazy things, but I start to feel bad thinking about our families waiting. I just look at her and smirk, kind of, and she gets it.
"Well, we can't really do anything until we reach the shore," she says on a laugh, and hugs me tighter. "They're beautiful."
"You're beautiful."
"You're a sap!" she says again, and her laughter meshes with the roar of the Falls all around us and she has me in the palm of her hand.
"I know, I know," I say, shaking my head. I wrap my arms around her completely, and that's what it's like to really soak up a moment. She's right, we can't do anything until we reach the shore. So. I just sit here, holding onto her, smelling her damp hair and thinking of a million things. I'm half-anticipating something crazy due from our guests when we get back, but my mind drifts away from that quickly. I'm just thinking about life. How, simply put, odd it all is, how things sometimes work out in your favor. How I had to wait for so long, hurt for so long, hurt her for so long... We ended up here.
Life is so weird. One of my hands grips her waist, the other runs up and rests in her hair. I feel her sigh against me. It only keeps getting better. I love how we know each other, how boring we've become, but how completely uncharted and intriguing we are to each other at times.
She's amazing, she's amazing, she's going to be amazing forever, I already know it.
She leans back and looks up at me.
"What are you thinking about?" she says, looking over towards the scenery I hardly notice right now. "What are you thinking about right now?"
She owns me.
I rest one hand on her belly, I'm still getting to used to how round it is, seemingly overnight. I let my other hand snake up into her hair again, cradling her against me as I put my lips on hers. I kiss her like I need to, my heart's too full and my head's way too lazy to come up with the best words.
When we part, her eyes are closed and I wonder how long the tears have been sticking there on her face.
"Food," I say as I shrug, smiling teasingly. "I'm starving."
She just beams and throws her arms around my neck and kisses my cheek about ten times. I'm afraid to squeeze her and pick her up like I used to, so I just grip her waist again and remember everything about her that I fell in love with.
I'm a huge wuss. I really am, I think it's pretty obvious anymore. But this is my girl. I remember writing a paper in college about soulmates and fate and how it was all bullshit, how we're all just here and we're all just science and matter and biology. We become attracted to things and people and want them. How we don't need to be with another person for our entire lives, that it's just a tradition that people seem to think is essential. That it's just naive to think we "can't live" without someone else. I remember ending the paper with, "I'll get married one day, and I'll find someone I love, and it'll be beautiful. But I'll be aware of the world."
I was such a tool. What an idiot. So was the guy who gave me an A on that paper. My arms are wrapped around my entire life, I can see the shine of the sunlight from the ring on my finger, and if I really close my eyes and breathe and listen, I swear I can feel her heart beating against my chest. She owns me, she really does.
I don't understand how she doesn't get that. She looks up at me again and just smiles, because we're getting closer to the dock and we're not going to get this moment back. She gets that. I kiss her again, just simply press my lips against her, mumbling how much I love her against her mouth and making her laugh.
When we're rushing off the boat, I grab her hand, and the crowd surges on around us.
"I love you so much," I say, and there I go. Kind of choking up a little. Her lips part and barely curve into a smile at what I have to say. "I love you. This day couldn't have been any other way, you know that, right?"
Her eyes shine with tears, and she closes her eyes. Opens them, and nods as she grips my hands.
"In fact, you know there's a pretty big chance that there's something really bad planned for us when we get back, right?"
Her brow furrows, but she's still smiling. "What? Why, what do you know? Did you plan something?"
I scoff. "No. I planned this." I wave my hand toward the boat behind us. The crowd is getting less dense as the people make their way around us.
"You planned this?" she asks.
"I only planned it because I figured Michael would have something planned, I just..." I trail off, shaking my head and breathing in some cool air. It feels new and actually pretty good. "Let's just... We're just going to go. And get married. Again."
Her face lights up. She gets close to me. "I'm your wife." Her hands close into fists around my fingers and she shakes with delight.
I lean into kiss her again because how could I not? But she stops me as she tugs on my hands.
"Pick me up like you used to," she says, her face close to mine. God, her eyes are green today. "You know, when you hug me and pick me up and hold onto me."
"I'm not going to squish Rudy!"
She shakes her head and laughs. "We're not callling it Rudy! Jim! God, I don't even know where you got--"
I pick her up and kiss the hell out of her, which is actually kind of hard because her dress seems like a million layers and she's already damp and slippery in some places. I set her down carefully, my lips still molded to hers and when I lean back she follows me.
When we finally part, she is crying those happy tears that make me smile.
"You're the best husband, you know that?" she says, sliding her arms underneath my jacket. "I already know that. Based on the forty-five minutes of experience."
I grit my teeth as the crew gives us a glance that kindly tells us to move. I clutch her hand and start walking. "You've only been married to me in the afternoon. Wait until you see me in the early morning. Or at night."
Her head shoots up and she stares at me while we walk and it hits me.
"Oh my god," I laugh. "That sounded dirty! Oops."
"Sure," she teases, tugging on my hand.
I'm standing up at the altar the next time I think back to some of our mornings we've had lately. How I woke her up by kissing my way up her spine, feeling her curl into different shapes against me. I love her, I am completely gone without her. This girl, I can't live without this one.
I'll make sure she understands that. I think maybe she already does sometimes. I love her.
"Feel like marrying me again? Is twice overkill?" She'd said this right before we walked into the church again.
Oh, shut up. Hell yes. Again and again and again.
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