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Still Life

Cecelia is just shy of five months old when your brain finally makes the connection. It seemed reasonably normal that the baby weight wasn’t coming off as quickly as you had hoped, and the constant fatigue was expected as the mother of an infant. But when the exhaustion worsened, when nursing suddenly became painful, and when the nausea, smell-sensitivity, and occasional dizziness that you had with Cecelia returned, you knew.

After a few days of denial, it takes a few more before your brain can really wrap around the fact that your life is, once again, going to change very drastically. You buy two tests on a solo diaper run, and very early the following morning, your suspicion is twice confirmed: positive.

You should be happy—after all, the moment you found out that you were pregnant with Cecelia was one of the absolute happiest of your life—but instead, the first thoughts that run through your mind this time are, “What have we done?” and “How could this happen again?”

You aren’t ready.

It’s not fair to Cecelia. She has only just arrived, and she needs all the time, energy, attention, and love that you and Jim can give her. It was supposed to be a couple years of just the three of you learning to be a family. You wanted that time with her, and you had planned on it. A new baby will change everything.

And how will you afford it? It’s already a little bit of a stretch with Cece, but multiplying her expenses by two, you’re afraid. Sabre’s incentive programs have been great, but what if it isn’t enough? You have mortgage payments and car payments and insurance and credit cards, and then there’s utilities, food, and everything for Cecelia—diapers, clothes, daycare, doctor’s visits, and more. It’s a lot, and you aren’t sure how adding a fourth person to the mix will work out.

Then, there is also the fact that most couples try for months or even years to get pregnant, and yet, your two little ones were conceived within fourteen months of each other and entirely by accident. You should be grateful for having had no problems in creating a family, but instead, you’re actually jealous of the people who get to try for a baby. The idea of it always seemed so achingly romantic and beautiful, and after one surprise pregnancy, you had really wanted the experience of “trying” for you and your husband the next time around.

But this will be it. You and Jim agreed early on that two was the magic number, so this second surprise will also be your last, and you just aren’t ready for this part of your life to be over so soon.

Before you can go into full-on panic mode, though, Cecelia starts to whimper over the baby monitor, and for once, her pre-dawn interruption is more than welcome.

Walking out of the bathroom, you watch as Jim rolls over and throws his arm over to your side of the bed with his eyes still closed. “Mm… Pam? ‘s my turn.”

“I’ve got her,” you tell him softly as you approach his nightstand to grab the monitor. “It’s okay. I’m already up. Go back to sleep, babe.”

“Thanks,” he mumbles drowsily into the pillow when you kiss his cheek. “Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

He is such an amazing father. You knew he would be from the time you saw him with Kevin’s almost-stepdaughter on Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, but he has since exceeded your every hope and expectation. You had never seen a man so purely joyful and excited until the day you found out about Cecelia, and now that your little girl is here, the way he loves her, cares for her, and tries to make her laugh… seeing them together in their little father-daughter moments… it melts your heart. You and Cecelia are so lucky to have him. And this new baby will be lucky as well.

Stepping into the nursery, Cecelia’s cries reach a higher pitch, and you can see her flailing arms and legs through the bars of the crib as you approach.

“Hi, baby. Oh, what’s the matter, Miss Cecelia Marie?” You coo while lifting her squirming form to your chest where she immediately begins to root around. Thankfully, this isn’t one of those times where you have to guess why she is upset. “Are you hungry? Yeah, you are, aren’t you?”

Nursing has become particularly uncomfortable over the last week or so, and now you know why.

“Come on. I’m here. You’re okay, sweetie,” you assure her gently as you settle the two (three?) of you in the glider that sits in the corner of the room and begin to undo the buttons on the comfy old button-up shirt of Jim’s that has become your favorite item of clothing to wear to bed. Cecelia latches on quickly (no one would ever guess that she once had a problem with it) and immediately begins to fill her tummy. “There we go, Cece. All better.”

She is such a perfect little thing, and you love her so much that it sometimes takes your breath away and brings tears to your eyes. Every little breath, sound, facial expression, and laugh is amazing. And she looks so much like her daddy. Her unruly hair is his, her eyes are his, and her smile is his. Her slightly awkward ears are his, too, and even though Jim half-jokingly apologizes for that, you actually think they make her look even more adorable. She has the cutest little chubby cheeks, the tiniest little fingers and toes, the sweetest little baby laugh you have ever heard, and there is not one thing about her that you would change.

Looking down at her, you are suddenly very sad to think that this special closeness and bonding time might have to end soon. You will nurse her for as long as you can before her sibling arrives, but you are already worrying about whether your body can adequately nourish both of them.

Both of them. The little girl in your arms is already a big sister, and it’s so hard to imagine her as a big anything when she is still so very small. You were five when Penny was born and old enough to remember being absolutely enamored with her. She was like a living doll, and though you were no longer the only person at the center of your parents’ world, it was okay. You had five good years as an only child, and your transition to the oldest of two was a good one—you loved feeling like a big girl when your parents would let you hold Penny or feed her or pick out her clothes. You loved your baby sister (though she was the most annoying little thing when you were 13 and trying to be a super cool teenager), and now as adults, you and Penny still have a great relationship.

You can only hope that your children will grow up to love each other just as much, but you worry that Cecelia might feel slighted or forgotten because she will be too young to understand that her little brother or sister needs more attention.

Suddenly, her little fist clasps tightly around your finger, as if to say, Hi, Mommy. I’m still here, and you smile at her as you are brought out of your thoughts and back into the present.

“You’re going to be a big sister, Cece.”

You’ll worry more in the morning, but right now, this moment is just for her.

***


Chapter End Notes:
I can't decide if this is finished or not, but this is my first story here (and first attempt at Jim/Pam), so I'd love to hear what you think. Thanks for reading :)

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